Morton: Did I see right? My name is mentioned in the title here? Wow! This story must be about ME! The most incredible, Koopariffic Koopaling, ME! I can't believe I'm finally getting a story about me. I must be the author's favorite Koopaling! I never thought I'd see the day when I was anyone's favorite Koopaling.

Golden Road: Actually, Morton, you are my SECOND favorite Koopaling. SECOND favorite.

Morton: You say second, I say first, you say tomato, I say tomato... and that really doesn't make much sense on paper since you can't tell who pronounced that word how, but at least you can see the spelling difference between the words second and first, so you know that those are two different-

Golden Road: And if Morton doesn't shut up THIS INSTANT, I may kill him off right here.

Morton: Ok, I'll shut up.

Golden Road: Good. Now let me continue with the story. Now,  Susan B. Koopa was-

Morton: Hey! I don't like her! Why do you need to put her in this story? Please take her out of it. Maybe you should just kill me right now, so I don't need to see her ugly mug here, and I hate how she keeps rambling on, never knowing when to shut up, doesn't she realize how that can get on some Koopas' nerves? The only Koopa who can talk on and on and on without getting
on anyone's nerves is me, and everyone knows that. I'm the only one who has that much interesting stuff to say to-

Golden Road: SHUT UP, Morton. Anyway, no, I'm not killing you, so TOUGH. Second, Susan B. Koopa WILL be in this story.

Susan: Can you please set me and Larry on a date, since I'm going to be in this story?

Golden Road: No  Larry hates your guts.

Susan: Oh, phooey!

Morton: Say one word about Pokemon and I'll kill you right here, before the story even starts.

Golden Road: Morton! If you kill her off right now, I won't be able to tell my story. And you won't get the starring role you've always wanted.

Morton: Fine, it's not worth it!

Morton shoots Susan with a laser beam, and she turns to dust. But then, at my will, the dust turns back into Susan, and she is as good as new.

Morton: Hey! You can't do that!

Golden Road: I can do anything I want. I'm the author, remember? And I'm not going to let you kill Susan before the story even starts.

Morton: Well please, start the story already! The sooner you start it, the sooner I can get this over with!

Golden Road: Well, stop interrupting me and I'll start it, ok?

Morton: Sorry.

Golden Road: Good, now where was I? Oh yes, with Susan B. Koopa.

***

Susan B. Koopa was skipping to Uncle Bowser's castle to visit her cousins. Uncle Bowser, of course, was delighted to see her, and had let her in.

Susan: Now let me see... if I remember right, Larry's room is right in here!

Susan opens the door, but it's not Larry's room, it's Ludwig's. But he doesn't even notice Susan walk in.

Ludwig: I'm almost finished with my invention! And this time, everyone will love my invention! It's so brilliant!

Ludwig calls Roy on the intercom.

Roy: This better be important!

Ludwig: Oh, it is, believe me. My Susan-B-Gone ray is perfect! Once I see Susan, one shot of this special ray will do her in permanently.

Roy: Can't you just use a stupid laser?

Ludwig: Yes, but this won't destroy anything EXCEPT her. So if I miss and accidentally hit something like a window, no damage.

Roy: Can you invent a ray to kill Larry?

Ludwig: Sure, I'll work on that- HEY! SUSAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! Nevermind, just stand still so I can shoot you.

Susan: EEK!

Susan rushes out the room and runs right into Lemmy's room.

Lemmy: GET OUT, YOU (censored)!

Susan: Please help me! Kooky's trying to kill me!

Lemmy: Oh, I'm sorry. LUDWIG! QUICK! SUSAN'S IN HERE!

Susan: EEEIII!!!

Susan rushes out the room and into Larry's room. What, you were expecting her to go from oldest to youngest? HA! Fooled you!)

Susan: Larry, my love!

Larry throws a tomato at Susan.

Larry: Haha! This is fun! If you let me beat you up, I won't call Ludwig in here.

Susan: Later!

Susan rushes out of Larry's room and hides in the auditorium.

Susan: I- I've never been in so much danger in Uncle Bowser's castle. Why do they all hate me so much? Why-

Susan quiets down when she hears some one walking into the auditorium.

Ludwig: Lemmy, you check the top floor.  Roy, you check the middle floor. I'll check down here. Shout if you see her!

Susan, hiding on the first floor, is a nervous wreck. Ludwig is drawing nearer and nearer, and he's about to check behind the box Susan is hiding behind when another Koopaling walks in.

Ludwig: Halt! Who enters the Koopa Auditorium?

Morton: Hello, hey, hi, howdy, and all those other useless greetings, Ludwig von Koopa, oldest of the great Bowser offspring, but not greater than moi. I just came in here do practice some of my speeches, all my speeches about things like why I want Larry dead, why I should inherit the throne after King Dad dies, trying to figure out why Ludwig has a big-time crush on Karma, who is a deformed Koopa wannabe, why-

Ludwig: HEY! I do NOT have a crush on her!

Morton: Well, you're in luck! I was going to practice that speech first!

Ludwig: Lemmy, Roy, let's leave! We'll find Susan later.

Lemmy: But I want her dead NOW!

Ludwig: Patience, Lemmy, patience. We can kill her later.

Roy: While I'm waiting, I'll go and beat up Larry. Maybe once he's dead, Susan will stop coming over here.

Lemmy: Why doesn't the author like Larry, anyway? Have you noticed that's the third time Larry's life has been threatened so far?

(Lemmy: Sorry, but I had to insert another of my infamous comments. It's clear the author isn't particularly fond of Larry, but if he really hated him, then he would have had him put on that date with Susan. Ok, I'm outta here for good.)

Roy: Who cares why? I would beat up you, except that the author will do something nasty to me if I do, since he likes you.  But since he doesn't like Larry, he won't care, and I can just happily do what I like doing.

Morton: I'll give you another minute to leave, and then I'm going to start my speech!

Ludwig: Ok, ok, I'm leaving!

The three Koopalings leave, leaving Morton and Susan in the auditorium.

Morton: I wish I had people who would listen when I give these speeches. It would help me deliver them much better if I could have an audience to give me a reaction, whether it be a positive or a negative reaction, so I could know how to improve my speeches, or if they're already perfect., or-

Susan: Hi Morton.

Morton: Better speech idea, Morton, why you hate Susan, and why she should be killed. In fact, why didn't someone kill you yet, anyway? I'm tired of you coming over here all the time, all you ever do is-

Susan: I want to hear one of your speeches!

Morton's jaw drops through the floor. He has never heard anyone ever say they WANTED to hear one of his speeches.

Morton: Um... um...

Susan: Don't worry. Just start your speech and I'll sit here and listen.

Morton: (to himself) I wish someone other than SUSAN would listen to me, but I guess I'll take whoever I can get. (out loud) Yes, of course, the speech, I will start right now.

Morton starts his speech about Ludwig and Karma's relationship, and Susan listens intently. After a couple of hours, Morton actually finishes. The speech will not be found here because A, I don't want to bore you, and B, because I can't think of two hours worth of material to write about Ludwig and Karma's relationship.

Morton: So... how was that, Susan? Did you like it? Or was it too long? Did you agree with it, or did you not think it was accurate?

Susan: I loved it! You know, I never understood why Ludwig can stand being around that half-Koopa, half-Yoshi, yet can't stand me.

Morton: You know, that's an idea for my next speech.

Susan: So, was it so bad having me around?

Morton: Yes! I mean, no! I mean... just don't tell anyone else that I let you hang around me today.

Susan: You're talking less than usual, Morton.

Morton: I am?

Susan: Yes, you are. You just gave a two-word sentence!

Morton: Wow! I mean, this is your fault. You made me forget how to talk or something! You put some sort of spell on me!  Get out! Oh, and I'm doing another speech tomorrow afternoon at 4 o' clock. Not that I want you there, but just in case you want to come and listen to it...

Susan: Sure.

Susan leaves Koopa Castle for the day. At the time, it's dinnertime, and all the Koopalings go to dinner.

Larry (who looks all black and beat up): Hamburgers? I hate hamburgers!

Roy jumps up and beats up Larry some more.

Bowser: Ah, that's my boy, Roy! Anyway, Morton, how come you're not eating your hamburgers? I thought you loved hamburgers.

Morton: Huh, what? Oh, sorry King Dad. I just had a lot going on in my mind.

Bowser: Well, would you mind telling us what's going on in your mind?

The other Koopalings complain until Bowser holds up a sign that says "DUNGEON".

Morton: No, not really.

Everyone else's jaws drop.

Ludwig: Morton! What's wrong with Morton! He never doesn't want to tell us what's on his mind!

Lemmy: I thought you were smart, Ludwig, but you just used a double negative.

Ludwig: Well, that's because I couldn't make my point without using a double negative.

Lemmy: Excuses, excuses.

Ludwig gets so mad he starts to beat up Larry.

LARRY: I... don't... think... this... au-thor... likes me...

Morton: I just don't feel like talking, that's all.

Wendy: I know what it must be. (singing) Morton has a girlfriend, Morton has a girlfriend, Morton-

Morton: Shut up, shut up, shut up! I do NOT have a girlfriend! I don't even like girls! Girls are disgusting creatures, they are all slimy, and they smell too, and I don't like any girls, I hate all girls, and I'd never want to see another girl again as long as I live, because that's how much I hate-

Wendy throws a plunger in Morton's face.

Roy: At least he finally shut up! Now I can go back to beating up Larry in peace.

Ludwig: Funny... he started talking again, but he won't tell us what he was thinking. Wendy, perhaps you were right in your conclusion.

Wendy: I was kidding, Kooky.

Ludwig: Well I'll ask Karma about it and see what she has to say.

Wendy (singing): Ludwig has a girlfriend, Ludwig has a girlfriend, Ludwig-

Morton pulls the plunger off his face and throws it in Wendy's face. Ludwig goes back to his room and questions Karma Koopa.

Ludwig: Where were you on the night of October 12, 1996?

Karma: I don't remember!

Ludwig: Don't know, or won't say?

Karma: What does this have to do with anything, Ludwig? I don't even know when October 12 was in Plit time!

Ludwig: Oh yeah, forget that question then. Have you noticed anything strange about Morton lately?

Karma: You already told me, he wouldn't tell you what was on his mind at dinner tonight. For him, that's very strange.

Ludwig: Wendy said he might have a crush on some one. What do you think?

Karma: I think that I don't know the situation well enough. I need to spy on him to check it out.

Ludwig: Ok, just don't ask for-

Karma: I need Larry's help.

Ludwig:  -For that.

Ludwig calls Roy on the intercom.

Ludwig: Roy?

Roy: Yes, Ludwig?

Ludwig: Karma needs to borrow Larry for a while to help her spy, so could you stop beating him up for a while?

Roy: Not unless I get to beat up on some one else.

Ludwig: Mr. Author, please give Roy someone else to beat up on, so Karma can use Larry.

Golden Road: Tell Roy to beat up Iggy.

Ludwig: Roy, the author said to beat up Iggy for a while.

Roy: Ok, I'll make do.

Roy goes to Iggy's room to beat him up. Meanwhile Larry walks into Ludwig's room. Ludwig punches him.

Larry: OW! What was that for?

Ludwig: I just felt like it. Anyway, I want you to help Karma spy on Morton. We think he has a crush on someone, and we want to know whom he has a crush on.

Larry: Whom? Do you have to say whom? Can't you say who like a normal Koopa?

Ludwig: But I want to appear smarter than the rest of you.

Larry and Karma spy on Morton through a hole Larry put into Morton's door. They can see him writing in a diary, but they can't tell what he's writing. They stay there until the next day, near 3 o'clock, when Morton finally wakes up and leaves the room for the Koopa Auditorium. Larry and Karma follow him.

Morton: And now, where is she?  I want her to get here so I can start my speech, and so she can listen to me giving my speech.

Karma (to Larry): She? Who is she?

Larry (to Karma): Hopefully we'll find out soon enough.

Meanwhile, Susan B. Koopa comes into Bowser's house again.  Bowser is wondering why she came two days in a row, but doesn't question it. She makes her way into the auditorium.)

Susan: Hey, Morton!

Morton: Susan, I was worried about... I mean, you're late! How dare you be late for one of my ultra-important practice speeches!

Karma: SUSAN?! (to Larry) Oops, did I say that aloud?

Larry: Uh, yeah.  Just pretend I'm not here.

Morton: Karma? Are you up there?

Karma: Yes, I'm here, but no one else is here. I just, uh, accidentally fell asleep here, but I will be leaving now, so don't worry about me. Tee hee.

Karma hurries out the auditorium.

Morton: Now where was I? Oh yes, my speech about why Larry should die! Here it goes, are you ready for it?

Susan: Yes, I sure am!

Larry: No!

Larry realizes he said that aloud, and then appears, sweating.

Larry: Uh, I was just, uh, hmm, gotta' go!

Larry zooms out of the room, and Morton starts his speech, with Susan listening. Meanwhile, back in Ludwig's room...

Karma: Ludwig, you are not going to believe this!

Ludwig: It's a guy? He has a crush on a guy?!

Karma: Worse!

Ludwig: Me? He has a crush on me?! I'll kill him!

Karma: No! He has a crush on Susan B. Koopa.

Ludwig: WHAT?!?!

Just then, Larry walks in.

Larry: Morton has a crush on Susan! We should kill him!

Ludwig: One problem... the author won't let that happen. We'll have to do something though...

Meanwhile, after Morton gives his three hour speech...

Morton: You know, Susan, for a repulsive, snotty, Koopa cousin, you're not half bad.

Susan: Thanks, I think.

Morton: I know you think Larry's all that, but you know, I'm better than he is, not that I want you to start liking me.

Susan: Ok, I won't. Even though you're the only one of Bowser's kids who will let me near them, I won't start liking you.

Moron: Good.

Susan: Good, but... I think the author just misspelled your name.

Morton: What?!  You stupid author! Why I oughta'!

Golden Road: You can't do anything to me. I'm the author, and I'm an unseen omniscient being.

Morton: Good point.

Golden Road: Morton has a girlfriend, Morton has a girlfriend, Morton has a girlfriend!

Morton: Not you too, author!

Golden Road: Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Anyway, at this time, Ludwig and Larry are coming up with a plan. Wait a minute- I'm through with Larry. Roy's beating up Larry again. Ludwig and LEMMY are coming up with a plan, I mean.

Ludwig: Remember though, Lemmy, Bowser must not find out about this. Not only does he like Susan, he would disapprove of us trying to separate Morton and her.

Karma: Ludwig, why not just let them be? I mean, I know it's Susan, but if they Met, then you might kill Morton by killing Susan.

Lemmy: Bonus! Sounds great to me!

Ludwig: I've made a second of these ray guns, one for me and one for Lemmy. To the auditorium!

Lemmy: To the auditorium!

Larry: To the auditorium!

Roy: HA! No way, Larry, I'm still beating you up!

Meanwhile... hey, you know, we've hardly seen Wendy in this story. You know, since she IS my favorite Koopaling, I think we should check up on her, just to give her a little more screen time.

Wendy:  I'll never be as pretty as Susan. SHE HAS HAIR!

Wendy is crying, holding the most beautiful picture of Susan Beautiful.

Meanwhile, Ludwig and Lemmy enter the auditorium, but it's empty.

Lemmy: Drat! Where can they be, Ludwig?

Ludwig: I don't know yet... but I can find out! Using this machine, I can locate anyone, anywhere on Plit! Just one press of the button, and- there's Morton!

Lemmy: Uh... if it can find anyone, why did it find Morton?

Ludwig: Ok, ok, I made this machine to track Morton so I could avoid wherever he was. That doesn't matter now, though, because we need to follow him so we can kill Susan B. Koopa. The B, of course, stands for a word I'm not going to say in case little kiddies are reading this.

Lemmy: You mean bi-

Ludwig: DON'T say it!

Meanwhile, Morton and Susan are walking around in the Mushroom Kingdom, talking to Toad.

Toad: @#@$!%&@!&3%@$!&%#@7!%$&!

Susan: Why is Toad cursing at us, Morton? Is it because we're Koopas?

Morton: Don't worry, he curses at everyone. And... uh, oh, it's Mario.

Mario: Hi Peach! Hi Luigi! I see you've decided to start cheating on me, Luigi, but that's ok, as long as Peach is happy.

Susan: What's wrong with Mario?

Morton: Oh, he's always been this stupid. Luigi is the one with the brains.

Luigi: MARIO! It's Morton and Susan! Don't just stand there, attack them!

Mario attacks Luigi, thinking he's Morton.

Luigi: You idiot! I'm not Morton, he's over there, and he's getting away!

Toad: You @#$&%3&@%! You $#@7%!

Mario: Aw, that's so sweet of you to say about me.

Susan: Do they always try to attack whenever you walk out here?

Morton: Pretty much, yes. Hey, ever been to McDonald's?

Susan: What's McDonald's?

Morton: It's this really great, terrific, Koopariffic- oops, sorry for talking so much.

Susan: It's ok Morton, I don't mind, really.

Morton: Anyway, it's a really good restaurant on earth.

Susan: Let's go!

Susan and Morton go down a warp pipe after changing to humans. Meanwhile, remember that tracking device that can locate Morton anywhere on Plit?

Ludwig: Agh! He left Plit!

Lemmy: Darn.  I guess we have to wait until he gets back. Let's go back and sleep-

Ludwig: No! I have the last place he was. We'll just wait there. There must be a warp pipe there that he used. We'll just wait there for him to come back. I'm a genius! Hehehehahaha!

Meanwhile, back at McDonald's...

Susan: Morton, this is the best fake chicken I've ever tasted!

Morton: And just wait until you try the apple pies! You'll never want one of Clawdia's homemade apple pies again, oh no!

Susan: And what are these oh-so-delicious strips of potatoes called?

Morton: French fries, and you know it's really interesting how they got their name because... oh wait, sorry, I'm doing it again.

Susan: I really don't mind it, Morton! Oh, what is that over there?

Morton: That's the ballpit. But we're too big to go in there. That sign says you have to be under four feet.

Susan: So? Let's go in anyway!

Morton: You are crazy! Let's go!

Morton and Susan are playing in the ballpit. When the manager tries to take them out, Susan bites him. When the police come, the Koopas shoot lasers at the police and the police turn to dust.

Morton: Oh, it's getting late, we'd better get back.

Susan: Ok, Martie!

Morton: What did you just call me?

Susan: Martie.

Morton: Don't ever call me that in front of my siblings, ok?

They smile at each other and they come back through a warp pipe. And Lemmy and Ludwig are still waiting.

Ludwig: Aha! They're back I see! Stop in the... WHAT?!

Lemmy: They came through a different warp pipe! Smart Ludwig! You didn't think they might do that?

Ludwig: Well, uh, nevermind, they're not far anyway. We must chase them!

Mario: Hi Ludwig! Hi Lemmy! How are you two doing today?

Luigi: Mario, you idiot! Those are the enemies! Prepare to die, you two!

Luigi attacks Ludwig, but Lemmy first conks him out with a ball filled with lead. He then throws it at Mario.

Ludwig: Any particular reason you threw the ball at Mario too?

Lemmy: Because he was there.

Ludwig: Good enough.

Soon, Ludwig and Lemmy catch up with Morton.

Ludwig: HALT!

Morton: Hey Ludwig, nice hair you have today. I'd love to stop and talk to you but-

Ludwig: Shut up!

Lemmy: Say goodbye to your girlfriend, Morton.

Morton: Her? My girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend! I hate girls. Girls are horrid creatures! Why I think-

Ludwig: SHUT UP! Prepare to die, Susan!

Susan: NO!

Ludwig shoots the Susan-B-Gone ray at Susan, but Morton jumps in the way, so it hits him instead.

Morton: I'm doomed! Doomed I say! I've never been more doomed in my life! I'm never going to... hey wait a minute. I feel fine! Ha! Your laser doesn't work, Kooky!

Ludwig: It's not made to hurt you, Morton. It's made to kill Susan and only Susan. But just in case, I also created a ray gun to kill you too. I'm sorry to have to do this Morton, but if you get in the way one more time, I will kill you too.

Morton: Well, at least we'll go down together Susan... not that I like you or anything, you know.

Susan: Yes, I know that.

Ludwig: And now, you are a goner! Hehehehahaha!

Just as Ludwig is about to shoot the ray gun at Susan, Luigi attacks him from behind, and Ludwig misses.

Luigi: I finally got the "jump" on you, Kooky!

Ludwig: You idiot! I was about to kill Susan!

Luigi: Oops... sorry.

Morton: Well now I have the gun, and I'm going to make sure that none of you ever get ahold of this gun again!

Luigi: That's all? Doesn't Morton usually have more to say than just that?

Ludwig: It's because of Susan.

Luigi: Ok, no need to say more.

Lemmy: But let's not forget I too have a Susan-B-Gone gun! So Morton, you have a choice. Either you give Ludwig his gun back, and we'll kill Susan, or you keep the gun, and we kill you both!

Morton: You aren't taking me alive!

Lemmy: Very well then!

Just as Lemmy is about to shoot, Mario jumps him and he drops his gun, and Morton picks it up.

Mario: I finally got you, Bowser!

Luigi: That's Lemmy!

Mario: Well, Lemmy's bad too, right?

Morton: Well now I'd like to see you kill Susan!

Ludwig: We still have out traditional lasers! These will kill you too, of course, but oh well. As long as we get rid of Susan!

Morton: RUN!

Morton and Susan run wildly, amazingly dodging the lasers. Eventually, miraculously, they make it to Bowser's castle.

Bowser: Ah, so peaceful out here on my front porch. So... AGH!

Morton and Susan run behind Bowser, and Lemmy and Ludwig stop right before him, panting.

Bowser: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!?!

Ludwig: Well, you see, uh, we were just playing laser tag! Yeah!

Ludwig bumps Lemmy.

Lemmy: Yeah, yeah.

Bowser: No laser tag in the castle! You all go back-

Morton: They were trying to kill us!

Bowser: What?

Susan (in her sweetest voice possible): Uncle Bowser, they were trying to kill me.

Bowser: Is that so?

Ludwig and Lemmy: Well, uh, you see--

Bowser: ENOUGH! If you want to kill someone, kill Mario, kill Luigi, even kill your own siblings. You NEVER, NEVER kill my sweet niece Susan though. GUARDS! Take these two to the dungeon! You are going in one day for trying to kill Morton, and one month for trying to kill Susan.

The guards take Ludwig and Lemmy away to the dungeon.

Bowser: Oh yes, take Larry to the dungeon too.

Guard: Any particular reason, your Koopaness?

Bowser: Because I don't like him. And throw some rocks at him too, will you?

Guard: Yes, your majesty.

Bowser: So... did you two, "Meet"?

Morton: No way!

Susan: Yuch!

Bowser: That's what I thought.

Morton: Anyway, we were going to go buy a wedding cake. You want some, King Dad?

Bowser: WHAT?! You two are getting married?!

Susan: No, silly Uncle Bowser! Morton just likes wedding cake a whole lot.

Bowser: (breathes a sigh of relief) Oh, ok, but you have to wait a few years to get married.

Morton: At least she's not a half-Yoshi!

Morton and Susan walk away, giggling.

Bowser: Wish I could say the same for Kooky's girlfriend. Oh well... I'm going to take a nap now.

Wendy: Wait! You can't end it yet! I was only in two small parts of this whole story! Author, I thought you liked me, so why did I only get two lousy parts in this whole things? I don't believe this and- HEY! Don't fade out! I still want that expensive dress! PLEASE get it for me! I'll throw a tantrum! WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

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