Scene I: The Show

(Larry, Iggy, and Wendy are sitting in front of a TV set, waiting for "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" to go on.

Wendy: (to Ludwig, who is playing hopscotch with Roy, Lemmy, and Morton) Hey, Ludwig, you guys better hurry up, or you're gonna miss "Hobgoblins" (new episode)!

Ludwig: Okay, everybody remember where you were, and let's go.

They all join around the TV.)

Larry: Wait! We need a tape still!

Lemmy: Hey, you're right! We'll just use-

Iggy: The last of Morton's baby home videos!

Morton starts to cry.

Ludwig: Well, some genius better go get that tape quick! We've only got one more commercial before we hear Mike Nelson's unbelievably talented voice sing the haunting season nine "love theme"!

Roy: (as he grabs Ludwig by the neck and holds him against the wall with one arm) Ludwig just told me that he wants to go get the tape, because he's a genius.

Ludwig: (struggling for air) Duh... that's because I'm a genius...

Roy lets go of Ludwig, who runs out of the room to find the tape.

Larry: Oh, no! We still need a VCR, remember? King Dad shoved the last one down Morton's big mouth last night when he wouldn't shut up about seeing a robin.

Iggy: I'm on it!

Iggy makes a VCR out of a shoe in ten seconds, while Ludwig comes back with the tape.

Everyone: Yay! Just in time!

The Koopa Kids suddenly are overcome with total confusion and fear as they notice that their favorite Saturday afternoon show has just been replaced with...

Everyone: AAAAUUHHH!!! SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!!!

Scene II: The Plan

In Ludwig's lab...

Iggy: (like in the comic book) What are we going to do about Daddy, Morton?

Morton: It's Father's Day, Iggy! We're going to get him a present, you idiot!

Ludwig: NO!!! We've got to get Sonic back for what he did to MST3K! We've got to go to Mobius, and deal with him there.

Larry: Ever since we saw the first five seconds of that show, before screaming and turning it off, I've been having violent, psychotic, waking nightmares about having to wear red and white striped Ponies and Winners!

Iggy: Hey, that happened to-

Lemmy: Us, too!

Wendy: I've had nightmares, too, only they're about losing my make-up bag!

Morton: Gee, that's a big coincidence, you guys, because ever since we made the huge, tremendous, remarkably big mistake of accidentally turning on Sonic the Hedgehog, I also haven't been able to get the horrible, disgusting, Sonicy thoughts out of my mind, either. As a matter of fact, just yesterday, I had a dream that Sonic and I were really, really old, and we were talking about when we were little kids and we had to go to school and it was five miles both ways, in fifteen feet of snow, and that was in the summer, and there were ninjas and stuff that popped out from behind every tree, and rock, and bush, and fat guy, and pipe, and lemonade stand, and would attack us, but we liked it, cause King Dad said we did, and then I realized that I didn't even go to school, and that Sonic was actually the Tooth Fairy in a really clever, but probably embarrassing-to-be-in disguise, and he had come to knock out all my teeth, and then I was trapped in a pet carrier, and everyone thought it was funny because I was wearing a dress and it was out of style, but it wasn't mine, it was Wario's, so I took out my wand, so I could zap the Sonic Fairy, and save myself from being in his horrible, scary, disgusting presence, but it turned out to be a remote control for my television in my room in Desert Land, so I-

(Roy kicks Morton in the face and pushes him out of Ludwig's window. Morton can be heard talking for several seconds until he lands on a conveniently placed mattress directly under him.

Everyone: Yay Roy!

Ludwig: (while drawing a map of Dark Land, the Mushroom Kingdom, and Knothole Village on a chalkboard) So... tomorrow morning we'll set out for the Mushroom World via Dinosaur Land, where we'll find this warp to right outside Sonic's house. And we'll figure out what to do from there.

Everyone Else: Um, okay.

Scene III: Mario and Luigi

The seven Koopa Kids left bright and early at 2:00 in the afternoon, the next day, after getting their travel games together, along with plenty of packing material. They were making "okay" time, considering that Wendy was with them, until they ran across a huge problem...

Koopa Kids: Oh man, it's Mario and his little brother, Luogio, or whatever!

Luigi: Hey, Mario, I'm-a Luogio from now on-a. Get it?

Mario: Yeah, whatever... All right-a, what's up with-a you Koopas... and can-a I have a fruit-a snack?

Ludwig: (while taking out a pack of fruit snacks for Mario) We'll only tell you if you let us through. Duh...

Mario: Sounds-a fair.

Lemmy: We're on our way to Mobius to-

Iggy: Beat Sonic senseless. He canceled MST3K!!! And then he put his-

Lemmy: Show on in its place!

Luigi: Why, that-a sick little-a blue-a freak... I knew-a that-a Sega solecism would try-a to resort to-a something as low as-a self-a-promotion.

Mario: You Koopa Kids have got to stop him! MST3K depends and is counting on you!

Larry: I don't know, guys, this is starting to sound kinda heroic... Maybe we don't want to go through with this, after all.

Wendy: Larry, you freak! This is MST3K we're talking about here!

Larry: It is? Since when? Here, I thought we were just going to McDonalds. Oops... okay, guys, you can count me back in.

Other Koopalings: (unenthusiastically) Great...

Mario takes his fruit snack from Ludwig and the Koopa Kids pass. The kids find the warp pipe pretty soon, thanks to Ludwig's superior map-drawing skills. They even have time to loot the princess' castle and transform The King into a sunflower on the way. They go through the pipe, but unfortunately Ludwig's calculations for their location were slightly off. They end up coming up through Sonic's toilet.

Everyone: AAUGHHHHHHHH!!! NO!!! WE'RE GONNA BE EMOTIONALLY SCARRED FOREVER, NOW!!! Hey, but that was a pretty good job on the map, though, Ludwig.

Ludwig: (grinning) Of course... that all comes naturally with being a GENIUS!

Just then, Principal (General) Galapagos walks in the door with a Dino Sport magazine, whistling.

Galapagos: What the... who are you? ... YOU?!

Koopa Kids: Ow, hey! What about corporal punishment laws, man?

Galapagos proceeds to batter them with the plunger, until Sonic walks in.

Sonic: Hey, who's the dino-dude gettin' all worked up and way UN-cool over some slow-mos in my toidy?

Galapagos screams and runs out, crying.

Ludwig: That's the most disturbing vernacular colloquialism I've ever heard!

Sonic: Must've been a bad chili-dog or something...

Roy: Eww! Stop talking like that! You're scaring the twins!

Lemmy: In all our years of-

Iggy: Training for an encounter with a formidable enemy such as-

Lemmy: Sonic, we've never expected to find anything this terrible!

Iggy: Early '90s, too!

The Koopalings pull out their magic wands and turn Sonic into a robotic chili dog. After that, Scratch and Grounder run in and run back out, with Sonic saying, "I've got the cake! I've got the cake!" Everyone on Mobius cheers for the seven evil Koopa Kids and begs to be conquered. The Koopa Kids are happy to comply, so the new leader (and master burglar) of Knothole Village, Bilbo Baggins, writes out a check to Bowser Koopa for one (1) Planet Mobius, plus shipping and handling.

Scene IV: King Koopa

Back at Castle Koopa...

King Koopa: You WHAT?!

Ludwig, We, ah, conquered the land of Mobius in your name, evil King Dad...

King Koopa: What would I, the GREAT King Bowser Koopa, want with a disgusting place like Mobius? I wouldn't even banish MARIO to Mobius!!! Have you ever seen the place?! It looks like Dr. Seuss spilled Baquacil all over the sky! You're all GROUNDED until I say OTHERWISE!!! Get out of here, NOW!!!

The Koopa kids exit the throne room.

Iggy: Hey, what about MST3K?

Comments, suggestions, stories, or story ideas? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy’s Fun Fiction.
Go back to my main page.