You're Doomed to Repeat Your Mistakes

By Lemmy Koopa

"If life is a mistake, may I never be right."

Lemmy looks up from his writing.

Lemmy: Who said that?

There is no answer.

Lemmy: … Guess that's my Thought of the Day.


Castle Koopa hadn't been a very pleasant place to be since the Paper Mario episode…

Bowser: GET OUT!!!

Wendy: But-

Bowser: ROAR!!!

Bowser threw Wendy out of his throne room, then returned to throwing darts at Kammy Koopa.

Kammy: Please sire! I- ow! Nice shot. I have an even better plan!

Bowser: Save it! From now on no one thinks up plans but me!

Outside the throne room from whence Wendy had been thrown, Iggy Koopa was hurrying through the halls, but his progress was hindered by the one throwing a tantrum.

Wendy: How dare he treat me that way?! WAH!

Iggy: Gah! What's the matter Wendy?

Wendy: *sniff* Daddykins is so caught up in getting those plumbers that he doesn't even have time for me! How is that possible?

Iggy: Well, he does have a huge family…

Wendy: GRR…

Iggy: But it's not a problem!

Wendy: … Hello?! How can I sponge money off him if he won't listen to me?

Iggy: Ok, so it's a little problem. But once he uses the plan I just made up, he'll have more time for you than ever!

Wendy: You have a plan? Hahahahaha!

Iggy: Don't laugh! It's not like any of your plans ever worked.

Wendy: It's not my fault! It was… uh… stupid minions.

Iggy: Ah, and so there is your mistake!

Wendy: What?

Iggy: Never mind, I don't want to give my idea away before everyone sees it.

Wendy: Everyone? Everyone who?

Iggy: Why, Bowser and all the other Koopalings, of course. We'll all assemble just like usual.

Wendy: Hello, Plit to Iggy! I don't know what dimension you're in, but it's not like the whole castle is going to be available whenever you want to show off your flop.

Iggy: Well of course they are! If I pop into the Lounge I'm sure they'll all be there.

Wendy: I wouldn't count on it. I know that Ludwig is off on his doomship somewhere.

Iggy: Oh well, I don't need him anyway.

Wendy: Don't you get it? Everyone's busy!

Iggy: Oh. Well, then just you, Bowser, and Roy.

Wendy: Roy? Where the **** is he?

Roy: Ahm right here!

Wendy: (turns) Roy! How come I didn't see you before?

Roy: Ah blend into this machine ahm holdin'.

Wendy: Wow, that's a big machine! What does it do?

Roy: Ah dunno, it's Iggy's anyhow.

Wendy: Iggy's? How'd he get you to carry it for him?

Roy: Ah needed a quick workout.

Iggy: C'mon, I can't wait to show King Dad!

Roy: Nah hurry. Ah can hold this thing fer at least another hour.

Wendy: I'll have to pass. I'm gonna sulk in my room until Bowser apologizes.

Iggy: … Well njeh to you! Come on Roy!

Iggy and Roy enter the throne room.

Kammy: Look! Guests!

Bowser: Grr… GET OUT!!!

Roy: Fair enough.

Roy leaves.

Iggy: Roy! Put my invention down! … Oh!

Ten minutes later…

Iggy: King *pant* Dad, look! *pant pant*

Bowser: I said GET OUT!!!

Kammy: You should give the kid a chance, sire.

Iggy: Yeah, give the kid a chance!

Bowser: Oh all right! My throwing arm's getting tired, plus I could use a good excuse to kill you anyway. Be quick because I want to spill some blood!

Iggy: Of course King Dad! Um… ok, so I made this invention-

Bowser: You mean, you stole this invention from Ludwig.

Iggy: No! I made it myself!

Bowser: Off with your head!

Iggy: Gah! How come no one ever remembers that I'm an inventor too?

Kammy: Ludwig makes so many inventions that we can't hype more than one person.

Bowser: Shut your mouth back there, or I'll fasten it with darts!

Iggy: But my inventions actually work!

Bowser: Ah, whatever. Doesn't matter to me whether you stole it or not. Go ahead.

Iggy: Ok, so you know about the phrase history repeats?

Bowser: No.

Iggy: … Ok, that's when-

Bowser: I don't care what it means!

Iggy: GLAH! Um, well then, uh, this machine will fix the mistakes of the past.

Bowser: So then it won't do me any good.

Iggy: Which means- what?

Bowser: Since I'm perfect, there's nothing it can correct.

Iggy: Oh, well… heh heh… maybe the Student of Time will find some minor details.

Bowser: I don’t trust anyone named Student of Time.

Iggy: That's the name of the machine!

Bowser: That's a name?

Iggy: Yes. Now look, all you have to do is put something you did into the machine, and it will tell you the mistakes you made while doing it and propose that it fix what it considers to be the largest mistake. If you agree then it will fix it. History will adjust itself for the correction of the mistake, and everything will appear in the present as the new history will have it.

Bowser: English please! I don't need two Ludwigs using big words.

Iggy: I… didn't use any big words.

Bowser: What?

Iggy: Look, it's very simple. Just tell me something you want to correct.

Bowser: … I'm perfect. And I'm getting real impatient with you! So off with-

Iggy: AH, how about we try to fix the Paper Mario failures?

Bowser: Yeah, ok. I would love to be invincible again.

Iggy: Great!

Iggy pushes some buttons on the Student of Time machine. He receives a read-out and looks it over.

Iggy: Hm… according to my machine the biggest mistake you made is that when you had the Star Rod you didn't just wish Mario dead.

Bowser slaps his head.

Bowser: Of course! It's so obvious! (to Kammy) Why didn't you tell me to do that?

Kammy: Well, um… my yellow blocks almost stopped him!

Bowser: Now that was a mistake. (to Iggy) Well? Fix it!

Iggy: Right away King Dad!

Iggy presses more random buttons.

Student of Time: Mistake will be fixed in five… four… three… two… one…



Bowser: You idiot! Nothing happened!

Iggy, Bowser, and Kammy are in the same place they had been before. Nothing seems different.

Iggy: Wait, I can-

Bowser: Off with your head!

Iggy: WAIT! It’s not a time traveler, it just changes the past. We have to find out if you are the ruler of this altered world.

Bowser: And how do you suppose we do that?!

Kammy: Sire, we could ask one of your kids… they should know.

Bowser: Oh sure, I bet one is gonna wander on in right now and-

Just then, Morton wanders into the room.

Morton: Hi, hello, greetings, salutations, how are you doing, what’s going on, is everything good, how’s the weather, what is the air speed velocity of an unlaiden swallow, are you-

Iggy: MORTON! *sigh* Can you please tell us if Bowser is the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom?

Bowser: And I’d better be, or else!

Morton: What? Of course not, no way, never happened, what are you talking about, is this some kind of joke, do you take me for a fool, or-

Bowser: ROAR!!!

Morton: And that’s why I came with an idea to help you take over, become the ruler, steal power, take command, become numero uno, be the best, topple the…

Iggy: Help me…

Kammy: Erum, Morton, perhaps you could tell us how King Koopa was… uh, bested in Paper Mario.

Bowser: Yes Morton, tell us!

Morton: Well of course I’ll tell you, though I think you should know yourself, but it doesn’t matter, it makes no difference, whatever, who cares, what’s the-

Iggy: Morton!

Morton: Sorry. Um, now let me see… oh yes! Luigi defeated you, jousted you out of power, took your throne, stole your glory, made you look like a-

Iggy: Hero! Heh heh.

Morton: What?

Bowser: (very red in the face) And… would you mind telling me how that lamebrain Luigi managed to defeat me while I was holding the Star Rod?

Morton: Oh, well that’s just the thing, my point exactly, you read my mind, for you see when you wished for Mario to die, to be deceased, and to be no more, such a large blast came from your Rod that you lost your grip and it was blasted away, knocked out of your hand, and-


Bowser: Oh Iggy! Are you prepared to die today?

Iggy: No, I can fix this!

Bowser: Yeah? How!

Iggy: I’ll just tell my machine to fix the next biggest mistake, since you must have made one in order to allow Luigi to defeat you.


Iggy: Uh, well of course I knew that, but… let’s see what the Student of Time says.

Iggy presses a whole slew of random buttons on his machine and rips off the print-out.

Iggy: According to this, the biggest mistake is that Kammy didn’t put a yellow block on the pipe to Mario’s house, allowing Luigi to leave and start on his quest.

Bowser: KAMMY! I knew I should have killed you!

Kammy: Aw… I suppose you are right.

Iggy: Let the Student of Time fix it!

Bowser: Well, alright… but you still are going to get punished because I lost the Star Rod.

Iggy: But you’ll have gained the Mushroom Kingdom!

Bowser: Yeah, well tough!

Iggy presses every button.

Student of Time: Mistake will be fixed in five… four… three… two… one…



Bowser, Iggy, Kammy, and Morton are in the same place they had been before. Morton looks startled, having never been told about Iggy’s machine.

Morton: … WEDDING CAKE!!!

Morton runs off.

Kammy: That was random.

Bowser: Forget him! Now we have to somehow find another Koopaling!

Just then, Larry wanders in.

Larry: King Dad, I have the sneakiest idea for how you can take over the Mushroom Kingdom!

Bowser: You mean I’m not already in charge of the Mushroom Kingdom?!

Larry: Uh… um, not exactly.

Bowser: KILL HIM!!!

Iggy: Oh boy… Larry, can you tell us how King Dad lost in Paper Mario?

Kammy: Please, before he explodes.

Larry: Sure, I guess. Uh, Luigi outsmarted him.

Iggy: Do you know how Luigi got past Kammy’s yellow block?

Kammy: Yeah, I really want to know how he did that!

Larry: I think Luigi hitched a ride out on the mailman, Parakarry.

Bowser slaps his face.

Bowser: Any last words Iggy?

Iggy: One more try! Give me one more try!

Bowser: Ok, but only because I need time to think of the best way to kill you.

Iggy gets a read-out without pressing any buttons.

Iggy: According to the Student of Time, you shouldn’t have left the garage of your castle open… um, the big Bowser face should have had its mouth closed.

Larry: What machine is this that I somehow don’t know about?

Iggy: Uh…

Bowser: Well? Get to it! I want to rule!

Iggy: Of course King Dad!

Iggy kicks the machine.

Student of Time: Mistake will be fixed in five… four… three… two… one…



Bowser, Iggy, Kammy, and Larry are in the same place they had been before.

Larry: Hm… amusing! I’ll remember this!

Larry runs off.

Bowser: I hate my kids. Now how are we going to find another to force answers out of?

Just then, Lemmy rolls into the room.

Lemmy: Your problems are solved!

Bowser: What problems?

Lemmy: Why, your you-need-to-take-over-the-Mushroom-Kingdom problem.

Bowser: You mean, I STILL don’t control the Mushroom Kingdom?!

Kammy: B- Bowser… please, I’ve never seen that shade of red before.

Lemmy: Haha! No, of course not! Man, it was funny when Luigi flew straight up to Peach’s castle and caught you with your shell down!

Bowser: Iggy… do you… have any kind of explanation… BEFORE I KILL YOU?!

Iggy: (speaking quickly) Uh, well yes, you see my machine worked fine, but, uh, gee Dad, you look great, and uh, there were just so many mistakes, all of them little of course, that, um, you know, the Student of Time couldn’t fix them all, but, uh, if you gave me time to fix each mistake, I’m sure I could, uh, fix them all eventually, and, uh, there was a conspiracy, yeah, in order for there to be so many mistakes, yeah, a conspiracy against bad guys, and um, yeah.

Bowser: …

Kammy: …

Lemmy: …

Iggy: …


Iggy: Aw man!

The End

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