Bombette Squad

By Golden Road

Artwork by Fried Rooster

It was a peaceful day in the Mushroom Kingdom... gah, how boring that gets. How many stories start like that? Anyway, it was, and Mario was taking a stroll with Peach through the kingdom.

Mario: Isn't it-a so beautiful, the Mushroom-a Kingdom?

Random Mushroom Person: Die, you evil Princess! We're going to fight you!

Peach snaps her fingers, and two large guards carry the Mushroom person off, and we can hear hacking and screaming going on offscreen.

Peach: Well, it takes talent. I mean, it's not easy keeping such a loving kingdom.

Another Mushroom person jumps in front of Peach with a gun, and shoots it. One of Peach's guards jumps in front of her so the bullet doesn't hit her, and throws an axe at the Mushroom person, chopping her head off.

Peach: I mean, if Bowser ever took over this place, it'd be in chaos.

Mystery Voice: Hi Mario!

Mario: Uh oh... I-a recognize that voice.

Mario and Peach turn around and see Bombette hurrying up to them.

Bombette: I figured you probably missed me since our adventure we had, what, a few months ago? I thought you might like to see me again!

Peach: Uh, boy... you know, I think you and Mario might want some time alone.

Mario: NO! Uh... I-a mean, I'm-a sure you can-a stay, Peach!

Bombette: It almost seems like Peach doesn't want me around.

Mario: Nonono! Peach loves you! I love you!

Bombette: Have you gotten any of the letters I sent? I keep waiting for you to write back, but I guess they don't get delivered... *sigh*

Peach: Can I go?

Mario: Well, uh... oh, of course! They-a never get delivered. You know how lazy Mushroom postal-a workers are.

Bombette: I guess... it just seems like everyone's always avoiding me. I can't imagine why.

Luigi comes running by.

Luigi: Mario, Bowser is-a coming this way to try to take over the- oh is this the bothersome Bob-omb that's been bothering you, Mario? Don't-a worry, I'll-a defuse her!

Bombette: WHAT?!

Mario: Ixnay the efuseday...

Luigi: Time to get rid of-


Mario, Luigi, and Peach are all charred.

Peach: Luigi, you are an idiot!

Bombette: How can you all treat me like this? After all I've done for you? I thought we were friends.

Mario: Ha, that's a joke! We were just using you.

Bombette: WHAT?!


Mario, Luigi, and Peach are completely black.

Peach: Won't you both just SHUT UP?!

Bombette: I can't believe you're treating me like this. *cries*

Bombette runs off over the horizon.

Mario: I-a hope we-a never have to see her-a ugly mug again.

Luigi: We won't. It's time I defused her for good.

Meanwhile, Bombette had been wandering around aimlessly. Depressed that the Mario gang wanted nothing to do with her, she sat on a bench and cried her little eyes out.

Bombette: No one likes me. I try to be good, help the good guys beat Bowser, and what does it get me? Nothing! I'm just... just completely unliked now.

While Bombette is crying her eyes out, violent things are happening at Koopa Castle.

Susan: (out of breath) Stop... trying... to kill me!

Ludwig: (chasing Susan with a laser around the castle) I'll stop trying to kill you when you stop coming over here! Be glad my Susan-B-Gone ray needs a recharge!

Susan: Well some people like having me around!

Larry: Are you kidding? I hate having you around!

Susan: You say the silliest things Larry... wish you could help get rid of Ludwig though.

Larry: Ludwig, can't you hurry up and kill her already?

Ludwig: Don't you think I'm TRYING?! Bad guys have bad aim! That's a known fact!

Larry: But right now you're playing the good guy, saving us all from the evil Susan!

Ludwig: Don't get into specifics, Larry, I don't know how exactly these things work.

Susan: Well, it's good for me anyway, I don't want to- *GULP*!

Roy: (holding Susan's neck) Well, well, well, looks like you should watch where you're running, little girl.

Roy throws Susan out a nearby window, with glass shards making her bleed.

Ludwig: Roy, you shouldn't have thrown her out that window!

Roy: Why not? You should thank me, I got rid of her!

Ludwig: Well, you could have held her so I could come right up to her and shoot her with my laser.

Roy: Oh... yeah. Well geez, sorry! See if I ever help out around here again!

Ludwig: (looking out the broken window) Well, looks like Susan left.

Larry: NO! That means she'll come back again!

Ludwig: Maybe... just MAYBE after this visit, she won't bother us again.

Larry: You keep thinking that...

Susan, all bloody, has walked far from Koopa Castle. She finds a bush and goes behind it to cry.

Susan: (crying) They just don't like me. They don't care what happens to me. No matter what I do- even saving them from a crazy grey Goomba, they don't care.

A figure walks up to Susan and gives her a Kleenex, and Susan blows her nose.

Susan: Thanks for that.

Susan looks up and sees Bombette, though Susan sees that Bombette also looks rather unhappy.

Susan: You... are you all right?

Bombette: Well... no, not really. You don't really want to hear about it though.

Susan: Sure I do.

Bombette: Well, a while back, Mario and I, and a few others, went on an adventure to stop yet another plan of the evil King Bowser Koopa.

Susan: That's my uncle!

Bombette: Um, well...

Susan: Don't worry. Sorry for sounding so offensive. I suppose there's no denying we Koopas aren't exactly a "good" species.

Bombette: Well, Mario, Luigi, and Peach all hate me. They were just using me to help them. They don't care about me.

Susan: I'm so sorry, Bombette.

Bombette: I almost... almost want revenge. I couldn't really do that to them though... they do seem to be good rulers for the Mushroom people.

Susan: Revenge... sounds pretty good to me, really. My cousins were trying to kill me earlier today.

Bombette: You don't get along with any of them?

Susan: Well, except Morton, but he's on a three-month vacation right now.

Bombette: Yeah... no one's any good... the world's just out to get us, I suppose?

Susan: Let's get back to the "revenge" idea... I like it!

Bombette: I don't know if I have it in me though.

Susan: It should be easy for you though... you are a bomb, after all.

Bombette: But... hey, you know, you're right! I don't have to put up with them!

Susan: So teach them a lesson!

Bombette: Yes! I'll go teach them a lesson.

Susan: Let's cackle!

Bombette: How do you cackle, exactly?

Susan: Well, it's like a sort of maniacal evil laugh- oh never mind. That's not important. Just would've been a nice effect.

Bombette: So let's go to Peach's castle!

Susan: Er... why don't we go to Koopa Castle first?

Bombette: Urgh... ok, ok, to Koopa Castle we go.

Susan and Bombette walk to Koopa Castle. When they finally arrive, Bombette hides behind Susan.

Bombette: Won't they see me standing right behind you?

Susan: Trust me, they're all stupid.

Susan knocks on the door, and Ludwig answers.

Ludwig: Take-

Susan: Hold it!

Ludwig: But I have a perfect shot at you now! Ok, ok, what are your last words? Make them quick!

Susan: (grabbing Bombette and throwing her to Ludwig) SURPRISE!

Susan runs fast away, and Ludwig is holding Bombette.

Ludwig: A Bob-omb? Well, they're on our side. These guys are loyal to us, they would never-


Ludwig: Uh... I think that was a defective- wha?

Bombette: Hi!


Ludwig: How- how many of those things are there now?

Bombette: Just me.

Ludwig: That's goo- ANOTHER ONE?! AAUUGGHH!!!

Ludwig starts to run, but Bombette blows up before he can move.


Ludwig: Bomb- exploding- remaining intact-


Ludwig: STOP IT!

Ludwig zooms off while Bombette starts running after him. Ludwig runs into Bowser's room.


Bowser: This better be impor- why are you completely black?

Ludwig: There's a pink Bob-omb that keeps blowing me up.

Bowser: KEEPS blowing you up?

Ludwig: It remains intact after explosion!

Bowser: And-

Bombette: (entering Bowser's room) Hi!

Bowser: You little-



Ludwig: Why?

Bowser: You brought her back here, now my bedroom's destroyed!

Ludwig: Well I won't.

Bowser: WHA-


Bombette leaves the room, heads outside the castle, and blows the whole castle up.


Bowser: Ok, ok! We surrender! What do you want?!

Bombette: Don't worry, it's not much.

Bowser: What is it?! I'll do ANYTHING!

Bombette: Susan just wants to play with her cousins.

Ludwig: NO! Not THAT!

Bowser: Sure, sure! Ludwig! Play with Susan, while I find the rest of my scummy offspring!

Ludwig: Sure, I'd like to KILL-

Bowser: You kill her, I'll kill YOU!

Ludwig gulps.

Ludwig: So, uh... Susan?

Susan walks up to the destroyed castle, where Ludwig stands.

Susan: Yes, Ludwig?

Ludwig: So... uh, what do you want to play?

Susan: How about pony ride?

Ludwig: Oh boy... this is going to be a looooong day.

Susan: A long forever actually.

Ludwig: WHAT?! FOREVER?!

Susan: Well, yeah, I want to play with you forever.

Ludwig: I'll NEV-

Bowser suddenly appears right before Ludwig with a vicious look on his face.

Ludwig: Uh, never get bored of playing with my favorite cousin!

Bowser: This mess is coming out of all of you kids' allowances.

Ludwig: Figures, with my luck today.

Bombette: When do you think we can go to Peach's castle?

Susan: Right after this pony ride, I promise!

Ludwig: Thank... goodness.

Bombette: You could just ride Ludwig over to Peach's castle.

Ludwig: NO WAY!

Susan: That is a great idea! You're so smart, Bombette.

Ludwig: I will NOT-

Before Ludwig can continue, Bowser picks him up by the neck, squeezing tight, giving him a one-eyed glare.

Ludwig:  (in squeaky voice) -delay in giving you a pony ride to Peach's castle.

Susan boards Ludwig and they travel with Bombette to Peach's castle.

Ludwig: Care to lose some weight?

Susan gives Ludwig a good mallet whack.

Ludwig: EEEEIIIIIII!!! Where DID that mallet come from?

Bombette: Never mind that, we're at Peach's castle.

Ludwig: Can I go NOW?

Susan: No, silly. I need you to act as our Koopa shield.

Ludwig: No way! Bowser's not here, and-

Suddenly, we see a large green arm come speeding at Ludwig, sending him straight up in the sky.

Bowser: You DON'T CALL ME BOWSER! And you do whatever Susan wants!

Ludwig: Yes King Dad.

Ludwig finally hits the ground and acts as an accordian temporarily. Susan takes Ludwig and holds him in front of her.


Peach: Never, #(*&#@#!

Bombette: Must be where Toad gets it from.

Susan: Well, Bombette, just blow up the door.

Bombette: Right!


We see no door where the door to Peach's castle once was.

Susan: I have my laser, and I'm going in.

Bombette: You must be strong, being able to hold Ludwig in front of you with only one hand.

Susan: I can beat Roy in- wait, chit chat later, gotta' do business now!

(A Note from Roy: I can beat wimpy Susan at anything, any time, any day!)

(A Note from Susan: No you can't! [gives Roy the raspberry])

Susan: Peachie, come out, come out!

Mario: I hear Koopas! I'd better go out and find them!

Bombette: Don't worry. I laid a piece of cheese on a large mousetrap. That should get him.

Susan: Uh, it didn't work- he just passed it right up.

Mario: When-a will you all learn? I have no-a cheese obsession!

Susan: I know what to do!

Susan throws a bowl of pasta into a large pit in the castle, and Mario jumps in after it.

Mario: Arf! Arf!

Bombette: Um... why-

Susan: Better not ask.

Toad: Hi Bombette. Hi Susan.

Susan: Prepare to-

Bombette: We can leave him alone. At least we're friends.

Toad: Yes, she's my FAVORITE bomb!

Toad walks away.

Toad: Suckers!

Susan: I heard that!

Susan shoots Toad with a laser, and he turns to dust.

Bombette: You know, you didn't really have to do that. He was just happy I gave him some lollipops just now.

Susan: Well... I'm pretty sure that wasn't really Toad.

Toad: You're right, #*(&#@(#%$! I'm the real #*(@&(% Toad! That was my remote control robot you just destroyed! I'm get-

Toad turns to dust upon getting shot by a laser.

Susan: Who says bad guys have bad aim?

Bombette: Just be happy Golden Road hasn't read all the rules.

Peach comes running down the stairs, holding a white flag.

Peach: Please! I surrender! I surrender! Just don't shoot me!

Bombette: Usually she doesn't give up so easily without a fight.

Susan: Well, my aim's considerably better today.

Peach: I noticed- DON'T HURT ME!

Bombette: I don't want to hurt you Peach...

Bombette attaches a device to Peach's leg.

Bombette: You cannot take that off. I can blow it up any time I wish, along with you. But I won't as long as you keep in touch with me.

Peach: That's... that's ALL I have to do?

Bombette: Just write me twice a month, ok? I really miss having friends.

Peach: Uh... ok. Yeah...

Ludwig: I'm just glad no one decided to-

Suddenly, ten Mushroom guards appear, and all shoot at Susan, though all the shots hit Ludwig.

Ludwig: I'm... feeling... a bit... dead.

Mushroom Guard: We're all out of bullets, Princess.

Peach: Cheapskates... can't even buy more than three bullets per gun!

Bombette: Can't wait to hear all the nice things you have to say about me when you write!

Susan: Ludwig, I'm ready for a pony ride home!

Ludwig: I'm almost DEAD! Don't you care in the-

Bowser appears and punches Ludwig into the roof.

Ludwig: Yes.

Susan and Ludwig head back to Koopa Castle.

Bombette: Well, Peachie, I'll be waiting to hear from you!

Bombette leaves Peach's castle and goes on her way back home.

Peach: This cannot be. I cannot let that #*(&@ win! LUIGI! GET IN HERE NOW!

Luigi rushes in.

Luigi: Ah, whad'ya want now?

Peach: Bombette is on her way home, eliminate her!

Luigi: Uh, I don't know where she lives, so I don't think I can quite do that.

Peach: Well, go out and FIND her! Morons...

Luigi: And if I-

Peach: GUARDS! Arrest this man!

Luigi: Ok, I'm going, I'm going!

So, we find Luigi wandering around aimlessly, hoping to bump into Bombette, because he doesn't want to go to the royal prison.

Luigi: Like I'm going to find her... I'll just be walking around here all day before- wait- I think I see her... yes!

Bombette walks closer to Luigi, then explodes.

Luigi: Eeh... eeh... that- I'm going to kill you, you little freak!

Bombette: EEP!

Bombette runs for dear life away from Luigi, who's chasing her with a pair of wire cutters.

Bombette: I can't let him cut my wires... he does that, I won't be able to explode any longer, and then... *gulps*... I don't want to think about what Peach is going to do to me then.

Luigi pounces ahead to catch Bombette.

Luigi: Hahaha, your life ends now!


Luigi: (appearing burnt) You only extend your life ever so slightly by doing that. All I have to do is cut the... uh, Bombette, mind telling me which wire to cut?

Bombette: The green wire.

Luigi: Your life ends NOW!

Luigi cuts the green wire, and-


Luigi: Don't do that! Really, which wire? Tell me the truth this time please.

Bombette: Nah.

Luigi: Well, I'll just cut the red wire. It's always the red wire that works. I've seen enough cartoons to know-

Luigi cuts the red wire, and a large boxing glove punches Luigi far, far away from Bombette.

Bombette: Whew... I've watched enough cartoons to change what wire does what, thank goodness!

Luigi: Uh... Princess isn't going to like this.

Peach: You BET I'm not going to like this!

We see Peach is standing right in front of Luigi.

Luigi: YIKES! What are you doing here?!

Peach: Guards! Take him to the royal prison!

Luigi: Just wait til I get out, Peach!

Peach: When you're executed, I suppose we'll let you free.

Luigi gulps as he is dragged off by two large Mushroom guards.

Peach: If you want something done right, you have to do it-

Ludwig pops up from behind a rock.

Ludwig: HELP! Save me Peach! Stop, ACK!

Ludwig runs off, with Susan chasing him right behind.

Susan: Wait up, Ludwig! We're not finished playing doctor yet, and I still need to insert a new lung into your body!

Peach: Wait just a cotton-pickin' minute! That's the same Koopaling that helped Bombette torture me earlier! GET BACK HERE! I'm gonna' KILL YOU!

Susan: Wait- someone else wanting to kill me?

Ludwig: This might be useful...

Susan and Ludwig turn around, and both see Peach coming at Susan with a large mallet.

Susan: EEP!

Susan runs away, with Peach chasing her, and Ludwig chases too, getting out his laser.

Ludwig: Thank goodness for Peach's help!

Susan: Ludwi- EEP! Uncle Bowser's going to KILL you when he finds out you've been trying to ki- EEP!

Ludwig: Not if I hide the evidence!

Bombette: Not if I can help it!

Ludwig: Ah no! Not you again!

Peach: I thought you were going home.

Bombette: Trouble is, I don't know which way my home is!

Susan: You can stay at my place!

Bombette: Really?

Susan: Sure... could use a friend like you, not always trying to kill me... but blow up now anyway!

Bombette: But won't you get hurt too?

Susan: Yes, just blow up!

Bombette: OK!


We see a burnt Susan, Peach, and Ludwig on the ground.

Bombette: Let me carry you home.

Bombette runs to Susan's castle, while Ludwig and Peach are too injured to move.

Peach: Someone... call... ambulance.

Ludwig: I HATE Susan! And that stupid bomb!

An ambulance comes about, and two Mushroom people come out with a stretcher, taking Peach to the hospital.

Ludwig: But what... about me?

As the ambulance drives away, we see a VERY angry-looking Bowser with fire in his eyes looking at Ludwig.

Ludwig: Um... hi? King Dad?


Ludwig: Uh, playing?

Bowser: I'm going to give you a punishment that you'll NEVER forget!

Ludwig: PLEASE don't send me to the dungeon for life!

Bowser: DUNGEON?! With what I'm going to do with you, you're going to WISH I'd let you go to the dungeon!

Ludwig gulps, looking very worried.


A month later, we now find Ludwig at the Mushroom Kingdom airport, where we find none other than Morton being picked up for a ride home.

Morton: You know, I had a wonderful vacation, but it's time for me to be back home, and King Dad told me about your punishment, Kooky, and I must say, I think it's the best for us both, for I think it's an excellent idea for the next year you being required to listen to all my speeches, and practice speeches, and anything like that, and you'll learn to appreciate it, I know you will, and blah blah blah...

Ludwig: This is going to be a LOOOOOOONG year. Why me?

The End

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