A Note from Smash: This story is based upon "Blackadder: Back and Forth", which has been shown at the Millennium Dome in Britain. Please don't sue me.
It is 25 December 2001, a wonderful winter’s evening in the mighty Pipe Land castle. The name on the gates is revealed, Ludwig Hall. Inside, all seven of the Koopalings are seated at a huge table in the great hall. A giant Christmas tree takes up the entire room except for the space taken up by the presents each Koopaling has given himself, leaving the seven crammed in a tiny corner in the door next to the kitchen.
Lemmy: Well, isn’t this just great and wonderful? Christmas 2001!
Iggy: Let’s give a big slurpy toast to peace and understanding around the planet.
Morton: Bravo, great, and so on. After all, if history teaches anything at all, it’s that what the world needs is love, love, love, love, love-
Ludwig: What total idiocy. If history has taught us anything, it’s that the history of the world has been one big round of death and torture and killing people just because they have a wart. Sorry about the food, by the way. My cook got invited to the big party over at the Mushroom Kingdom and I couldn’t get the traps out fast enough. So I had to hire the first person I saw, who, unfortunately, is the person who cleans out our septic tanks.
Luigi enters in a ridiculously tiny maid’s uniform.
Luigi: Sir?
Ludwig: DAD save us…
Luigi: I trust that you are all enjoying your food?
Ludwig: Well, not really. What is this we’re eating?
Larry: It tastes like someone with a bad chest cold took two pills to loosen the snot and coughed all over the artichoke…
Luigi: Well, *cough* funny you should say that because…
Ludwig: Yes, yes, thank you, go away now. (conspiratorially) I believe you have some other chores to attend to.
Luigi: Oh yeah. See you later, everybody.
He leaves. It is revealed that he is not wearing anything except the maid’s uniform. Everyone stares in horror as Ludwig desperately tries to recover the situation.
Ludwig: Okay, okay, where were we?
Lemmy: We were toasting the future.
Ludwig: Ah, yes. And I suppose it might also be a perfect time to look to the past.
Wendy: What the heck? How are we supposed to do that? You can’t see something after it’s already happened!
Roy: Unless you’re in the bathroom.
Larry: Good point.
Ludwig: Yes, unless one’s got a time machine.
Everyone laughs.
Iggy: And how likely is that?
Ludwig: Well, very much so, actually, because I’ve just built one.
The laughter stops dead. You can actually hear the crickets chirping over in Grass Land.
Morton: Stuff, nonsense, garbage, gobbledygook, gibberish, and hot air! I’ve heard some dumb things in my time, every time I open my mouth, in fact, but this takes the cake!
Ludwig: You’re wrong…
In the time machine room…
Ludwig: In my castle, I have discovered blueprints by the famous Kamek on how to build a time machine. I’ve followed them down to the last rusty bolt.
Ludwig yanks a rope and a huge covered bathtub comes out of the floor with a bunch of nifty junk in it.
Larry: It can’t be. A practical joke, surely?
Ludwig: Of course not! When was the last time I played a practical joke?
Lemmy: Well, there was the time you said you were dying of kidney failure so I donated one of mine, but you said it was all a joke and we had to throw my kidney away.
Everyone laughs except Lemmy.
Ludwig: Served you right. Well, anyway, this is a real time machine. And to prove it, I will bring back any items you want from the past.
Larry: Okay, I’ll believe you if you bring back a genuine Hammer Brother’s helmet from the first Plit war!
Ludwig: Very well, a genuine Hammer Brother’s helmet!
Ludwig is shouting into a huge microphone inches over everyone’s head. In the basement, Luigi is rooting around in a back room. The words "Hammer Brother’s helmet" come through an intercom system. Luigi finds a helmet.
Lemmy: A helmet? That’s nothing. How about the pair of arm bracelets worn by King Dad on the day he stole the Star Rod from Star Haven?
Ludwig: Very well. The pair of arm bracelets worn on King Dad’s wrists when he stole the Star Rod form Star Haven!
Luigi finds a pair of spiked bracelets in an old box.
Iggy: Too easy. Ah ha, here’s one. Get me a pair of two hundred-year-old underpants! Eighteenth century skivvies, that’s it!
Luigi is relieved. No searching for this one. He checks inside his overalls to make sure that everything is in order, then hurries upstairs.
Roy: Ya know, this is so stupid of you, my brother. Know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna bet you 1000 coins that you can’t do it.
Larry: And me!
Iggy: And me!
All the Koopalings agree, forcing Ludwig to bet them all 1000 coins.
Roy: Dis is gonna be so sweet.
Ludwig: Says you…
He marches into a door that opens into the machine.
In the time machine…
Ludwig meets Luigi in the machine. Luigi is carrying a bag of stuff, which Ludwig roots through.
Ludwig: Let’s see, you’ve brought the helmet and the boots. Good. But what about the underwear?
Luigi: Oh no problem.
He begins to pull off his pants.
Luigi: They’re my best pair. And, coincidentally, also my worst.
Ludwig: So these are in fact your only pair of underpants.
Luigi holds out the garment for inspection. Ludwig nearly dies from the smell.
Ludwig: Aaagh! Just-just put them in the bag!
Luigi tosses them in the bag and Ludwig closes it like it’s holding hazardous material.
Ludwig: Okay now, all we have to do is make this look realistic and I get 6000 coins.
Luigi: Don’t worry, I followed Kamek’s instructions to the letter.
Ludwig: Despite the fact you can’t read.
Luigi: Well, I have repaired lots of pipes in my time.
Ludwig: Well, let’s get started. All we have to do is shake it around a bit.
They jump around awhile, but Luigi trips and hits a button on the side of the machine.
Ludwig: Okay, that’s good. Now let’s leave and get me my money.
The door reopens and they are not in the room they left. Staring through the door is a huge dinosaur!
Ludwig: Oops.
T. Rex: Um, what’smylineagain? Err, oh, yeah. GROOOOOOAGH!
Ludwig: Ahhh! Quick Luigi! Do something!
Luigi: Aieeeeee!
Ludwig: Something useful! Oh, here, let me!
He grabs one of the arm bracelets and throws it at the dinosaur.
Ludwig: Go on, shoo! Bloody dinosaur!
He throws the helmet and the other bracelet.
Ludwig: Quick Luigi! Try the pants! Use the underwear!
Luigi grabs his underwear and places them on the end of a broom Ludwig grabbed from somewhere. Luigi takes the broom and shoves it in the T. Rex’s face.
Luigi: Sniff my skids!
Then the T. Rex makes the biggest mistake of its life. It sniffs. At the impact of the evil smell, it reels back and screams at an incredibly high pitch. Then it collapses with smoke pouring from its nostrils.
Ludwig: Well, that solves one of the great mysteries of time. Your pants killed the dinosaurs.
Luigi: I’m so proud of myself!
Ludwig: Let’s get back home. You’ve managed to throw away our winning items, but after this, 6000 coins will be a small price to pay.
They climb into the machine.
Ludwig: Well, Luigi, you have actually managed to create a working time machine, and are therefore the greatest genius who has ever lived.
Luigi: Thank you, my lord.
Ludwig: So how do we get back?
Luigi: Well, the year dial is over there. I meant to write the numbers on with marker, but I never got around to it.
The dial spins. It is actually a slot machine.
Ludwig: So the year we’re heading to is two lemons and a bunch of cherries?
Luigi: Yes, my lord.
Ludwig: A rather spectacular return to form from the genius moment. But it seems to me that all we have to do is set the dials and levers to where they were before we came. Okay, this one was about here. And this one was here, and here… okay, there.
The machine shakes a bit. Ludwig opens the door to reveal the deserted time machine room.
Ludwig: We’re back. Hmm. I suppose the others got bored and went off to get some pudding.
Ludwig walks into the main room of his castle.
Ludwig: You won’t believe what’s happened to me. You see-
He stops just as he enters the room. It is radically changed. Inside, Queenie Wendy sits on a huge throne in the center with make-up an inch thick on her face and wearing a dress no one could afford in the present. Around her are Susan, acting as her nurse, Larry, and several other retainers.
Queenie: Hello Lord Ludwig.
Ludwig: Wendy… the First…
Queenie: Well, of course it’s me. How have you been Ludwig? You’re looking much uglier and fatter than usual.
Ludwig: Is that right?
Queenie: Of course it’s right. I’m always right.
Susan: She’s always right.
Larry: She’s always right.
Queenie: Larry, Ludwig is being very cheeky. Should I laugh at him or just chop his ugly head off?
Larry: Well, not to be rude, but I do believe a bit of choppy-choppy is in order.
Queenie: Very well, kill him. (as the guards move forward) Unless, of course, you’ve got a present for me?
Ludwig: Um, yes. Err…
Ludwig roots through his shell. Wallet, doomship keys, spare change…
Queenie: Quickly, getting bored now.
Ludwig: Ah, here we are.
He pulls out a mall "points" card.
Ludwig: Now, this may not look like much-
Queenie: It doesn’t.
Ludwig: Well, anyway. Imagine there was a place you could buy absolutely anything.
Larry: We already have those, Ludwig, and they’re called markets.
Ludwig: Well, yes, um, well imagine a market, only twenty times bigger and in a place surrounded with an armory and some other places. They’re called malls. Now every time you go there, you show this to the man and he gives you points. If you collect enough of these points, you can, once a month, buy a can of baked beans, at half the original price.
Queenie: Kill him.
As the guards come forward to remove our hero, he desperately roots throughout his shell. A packet of his best mint chocolate falls out and bounces in front of Queenie.
Queenie: What… is that?
Ludwig: Well, it’s just a sweet, a minty thing.
Queenie: I want it!
Susan grabs it and gives it to Wendy. She bites it. It’s a taste explosion.
Queenie: Oh! Oh Ludwig, you are so impish. Here, Larry, you try one.
Larry does. He reacts the same as Wendy.
Larry: Well, um, quite a taste, Ludwig.
Queenie: You know what, Larry? You know what your breath is normally like, smelling as if you’ve had an entire rotten Goomba for breakfast?
Larry: Well, I know I’ve got a less than approved mouth odor…
Queenie: Well, it’s changed. You smell absolutely yummy now and not at all like a toilet.
She whips off her crown and gives it to Ludwig.
Queenie: Here, take this, you saucy flirt. Now go and get me more sweet things or I shall come after you and crush your skull like an egg.
Ludwig: Um, yes, Your Majesty.
He beats a hasty retreat.
Back in the time machine…
Ludwig: Well, that was fun. Now let’s get home. Oh, and Luigi…
Luigi: Yes, my lord?
Ludwig: Remind me to kill you, would you?
Luigi: Oh, all right my lord.
Ludwig: (looking at a lever) This was down when we were at the dinosaurs and here now, so if we push it up a bit more…
The machine shudders.
Outside…
The time machine is floating in deep space. Suddenly, five huge and powerful spaceships fly past!
Ludwig: Oops, a little too far forward. Back, back, back…
We are in a very green forest. A sign in the center of a clearing proclaims "Sherwood Forest". Suddenly the time machine appears out of midair and crushes the sign into splinters.
Ludwig: Oh, DAD, where are we now?
Luigi: Oh, dear, do you think it’s safe?
Ludwig: (sarcastically) Oh, I don’t know. Does this look like a dangerous place to you? This empty wood?
Suddenly lots of Koopas appear out of every bush and tree, pointing bows and arrows at them. Ludwig and Luigi are captured by a net they have stepped on and are hoisted up into the air. Lemmy Hood appears at ground level, surrounded by a huge supportive band of merry men. He is a miniature, merry show-off, with an ego the size of Dark Land.
Lemmy: Look lads, we’ve captured Lord Ludwig!
All: Yay!
Ludwig: Wait a minute, are you Lemmy Hood?
Lemmy: Am I Lemmy Hood? Is Iggy Scarlet a poof in tights?
Cut to Iggy, who is dressed in a very old-fashioned outfit with tights on.
Lemmy: Is Friar Morton a tub of lard with a ridiculous haircut?
Morton: Hey-
Morton is muffled by three of the merry men flinging themselves across his mouth.
Lemmy: Is Maid Karma an excitable little sweetie with a face like two halves of a melon?
Karma: Yes, I am!
Lemmy: Woof!
Karma: Woof!
He leans over and kisses her. The men cheer. Ludwig barely manages to forestall a jealous explosion.
Lemmy: Woof!
Men: Woof!
Ludwig: Well, it’s nice to meet you at last, because there’s one question I always wanted to ask you.
Lemmy: Fire away. One final question before I impale you and have a very cheap funeral.
Ludwig: What puzzles me is this. You rob from the rich?
Men: Yes!
Lemmy: That’s right, yeah.
Ludwig: And then, when you’ve robbed the rich, you give all the money to the poor?
Men: Yes!
Lemmy: I love giving to the poor! Woof!
Men: Woof!
Ludwig: Now comes the bit I don’t understand. You risk your lives in combat?
All: Yes!
Ludwig: You risk certain death when you’re caught?
All: (less enthusiastic) Yeeeees…
Ludwig: And yet, you give every single penny to these so-called poor who just sit on their backsides all day…
Lemmy: All right, shut up now…
Ludwig: Sitting and laughing at you, saying, “Oh, no need to work today, Lemmy Hood and his merry men will be along in a minute with a big pile of cash…”
Lemmy: I said, shut up.
Ludwig: I’m surprised they don’t call you "Lemmy Hood and his bunch of complete lunatics".
Lemmy: Right, that’s it! Shoot him now! I’m great and he’s not!
Ludwig: Lemmy Hood and his band of merry morons!
Lemmy: Ready, aim, fire!
They all aim at Ludwig, but then turn and shoot Lemmy. He is pinned to a tree like a bright green dying hedgehog on a miraculously unpopped ball. Then, a second later, a bright green dead hedgehog on a miraculously unpopped ball, which Ludwig takes.
Ludwig: Can I say I think you made the right choice?
Karma: So do I, gorgeous.
Ludwig: Ding… dong…
The next morning…
Ludwig and Luigi are sitting in the time machine, very tired and haggard, but full of happy memories from the night before. Ludwig has kiss marks all over his body.
Ludwig: Well, Maid Karma was very friendly.
Luigi: As you showed us several times during the dancing.
Ludwig: Now let’s get out of here. We’ve already killed the dinosaurs and Lemmy Hood, so let’s get back to our time before we mess up any more.
The time machine does its familiar shake thingy.
In Bowser’s Castle…
Bowser and Kammy are taking about the upcoming attack on Star Haven.
Kammy: Sir, we are almost ready for the attack.
Bowser: Excellent. I have a plan that will undoubtedly result in the utter defeat of those cursed Stars.
Kammy: What is it?
Bowser: Well, we first teleport in using your magic. Now this is the most genius part. I really do amaze myself sometimes. It is so great that I can’t believe I never thought of it before.
Kammy: Yes?
Bowser: Then we-
Suddenly Ludwig’s time machine appears in mid air, falling on Bowser and crushing him to whatever dead is deader than stone dead. Only his arms are sticking out on one side.
Kammy: Oh no! King Bowser is dead! Without his plan… and his leadership… the day… and the Koopa Empire… is lost!
Ludwig peeks out from the time machine.
Ludwig: Oops.
He goes to Bowser’s arms and pulls off his father’s bracelets.
Ludwig: Oh, excuse me. Thanks. (to himself) Might as well try to win that cash anyway.
Kammy stares in shock as the time machine disappears again.
Ludwig: We haven’t pressed this button before.
He pushes it and a Mario toy springs out of a hole in the wall and hits Ludwig in the head.
Ludwig: Well, fingers crossed…
The time machine shakes again.
Luigi looks out the door.
Ludwig: What do you see?
Luigi: Koopas in very short skirts.
Ludwig: Ah, we landed in the 1960s. Not exactly on time, but it’ll do.
Luigi: Not women, men.
Ludwig stares at Luigi like he had just grown a second head.
Outside…
There is a three foot tall wall covering miles of countryside in Grass Land. On the wall are many Koopas dressed like Roman soldiers.
Ludwig: We’re at the first Koopa war. Drat! Still centuries off. Well, I may as well try to steal a helmet while I’m here.
They move up to the wall. On it are two centurions looking exactly like Luigi and Ludwig, wearing fairly short skirts.
Luigi: What the heck is my ancestor doing there?
Ludwig: Shut up! I’m trying to listen.
Ludwigcus looks out over the barren countryside. He is angry.
Ludwigcus: Great. Just great.
Luigicus: What is it?
Ludwigcus: Here we are facing maniacs dressed in huge dome-shaped heads that have wild birds nesting in them. In other words, the Mushrooms. And what does our inspired leader do about this? He builds a three foot wall around them. Almost as frightening as a little Goomba with the word "boo" painted on its forehead.
Luigicus is actually scared by this. Commander Mortoncus appears, wearing a ridiculously short skirt.
Ludwig: Apparently, the importance of the person is judged solely by the shortness of his skirt.
Mortoncus: What are you talking about, Ludwigcus? This wall is the most excellent, good, amazing thing that could be built. (he casually hops over it) Surely you’re not suggesting that a well organized army of Mushrooms can get the better of a rabble of Koopish soldiers?
General Roycus appears in a chariot. His skirt is actually above his waist.
Mortoncus: Welcome, General!
Ludwig: Apparently, that Koopa and his underwear are the most important Koopa and the most important underwear in the world.
General Roycus: Ha ha! Always good to see you practicing your English, Mortoncus.
He then launches into an incredibly long stream of gibberish that would leave the readers dizzy on the floor if the author’s mate did not take a week to translate it.
English subtitles: However, grave news. Dark Land is being attacked from all sides and the emperor’s only reaction now is to poison his wife and marry his horse. So the commanders of the army have decided to pull troops out of Grass Land to defend Castle Koopa.
Ludwigcus: Did you hear that, Weege?
Luigicus: I certainly did, oh centurion.
Ludwigcus: Back to Castle Koopa at last!
General Roycus: Bahhhh-us!
Subtitles: Bahhhh!
Mortoncus: I say, this is fascinating. There seems to be a huge speckled bush heading towards us.
Ludwigcus: Err, that’s not a bush. That’s the Mushrooms.
They all turn to see a mass of dome-headed maniacs charging at them. The Mushrooms are invading. Unlike the Mushrooms we are so used to, they are seven feet tall and wield swords bigger than they are.
General Roycus: Carry on.
Luigi: Shall we run, my lord?
Ludwig: Yes.
Ludwig scoops up a helmet lying on the wall. They run. It’s a high action moment. They’re actually running towards the charging army.
Ludwig: Last one there gets killed by Peach’s great great grandfather.
They make it by mere inches, getting into the machine just as spears begin to get poked into it. They desperately push a button and are gone.
Ludwig: Let’s get home, Luigi.
Luigi: But we don’t know where home is! We’re doomed to float through time for all eternity! Oh woe is me!
Ludwig: Shut up Luigi. There is one final button to push which may save us… or not, because it is, in fact, a lollipop.
Luigi: Cherry flavored, my lord.
Ludwig: Oh, great. I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a bathtub with two toilets and the stupidest man in the world.
Luigi: Wait, do not despair, for I have a clever plan.
Ludwig: Can I say I’m not confident about this?
Luigi: To be quite frank, neither am I. I never have been much good at plans.
Ludwig: So what’s the plan?
Luigi: Well, you know how when people drown, their whole life flashes in front of them…
Ludwig: Yes…
Luigi: Well, if you stuck your head in a bucket of water and didn’t bring it out again, then your whole life would flash before your eyes and you’d see where all the knobs and levers were when we first left and then if you pulled your head out before you drowned, you could guide us home.
Ludwig: Luigi.
Luigi: Yes?
Ludwig: Good plan. Just one change.
Luigi: Hmm?
Ludwig punches him.
Later…
Ludwig is casually drowning Luigi in one of the toilets while holding his feet. Luigi is in serious trouble. Ludwig yawns and taps his fingers. Finally, he pulls Luigi back up.
Ludwig: How’s it going?
Luigi: I’m eighteen. I just left nursery school.
Ludwig: Okey-dokey.
Luigi goes back in again and then is plucked out again.
Luigi: I’m twenty-five. I’m back in nursery school.
And back in he goes. Scenes from the recent past pass before Luigi’s eyes. He goes limp. Ludwig pulls him up. Then…
Luigi: Got it!
Ludwig: Very good.
Luigi: Though I wish I’d flushed the toilet first.
Ludwig checks the contents of the aforementioned toilet.
Ludwig: Oh yes…
As our heroes relax on the trip home…
Luigi: As we finish up this nutso journey, my lord, what do you think we’ve learned?
Ludwig: Good question. I suppose I’ve learned that I’ve got to give my siblings stronger mouthwash for Christmas this year. How about you?
Luigi: Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I’ve learned that we’ve always been the same. Some nice, some nasty, some stupid, some really stupid. There’s always a Ludwig and always a Luigi.
Ludwig: Yes, very profound.
Luigi: Also…
Ludwig: Oh, great, there’s not more, is there?
Luigi: If you’re in the right place at the right time, then every person has the power to change the world for the better.
Ludwig: Jeez, you really are as thick as clotted cream that has been left out by some clot until the clots are so clotted up you couldn’t unclot them with a nuclear powered declotter. Real change comes from big economical things that we puny mortals have no effect on.
Luigi: Unless you’re king or something.
Ludwig: Well, yes, I suppose. But for the rest of us, all there is is to make some cash.
There’s a shudder. The bathtub has landed.
Ludwig: … Which is precisely what I intend to do right now.
They emerge into the hall. It is indeed the present.
Morton: Oh my DAD! What happened? Everything went squiggly for a while and then you disappeared for a few minutes and then we were really worried and-
Ludwig socks Morton in the face.
Ludwig: I have, in fact, returned from the past.
Roy: Ya surely don’t expect us to believe that. It was just some dumb trick.
Ludwig: You’ll see.
He tosses the bag on the table.
Larry: Well, bravo with bells on!
Ludwig: And, as a little bonus, the crown of Queen Wendy the First.
Wendy: Ooh, fun!
She tries it on.
Wendy: It fits!
Morton: Well done, Ludwig! But tell me, all this stuff about changing history with time travel. You must’ve had to be very careful.
Ludwig: Oh yes, I was. Very careful.
Iggy: So, tell us. Did you hang out with any, you know, big timers?
Ludwig: Well, actually, yes. This is none other than the ball of Lemmy Hood.
He bounces Lemmy’s star ball. Everyone is confused.
Iggy: Who?
Ludwig: Lemmy Hood. You know, the guy our brother is named after.
Lemmy: What’re you talking about? My name’s not Lemmy, it’s Constantine.
Ludwig: So you’ve never heard of Lemmy Hood?
They all shake their heads.
Ludwig: Okay, so I might’ve had an effect on one or two things, but nothing important.
Constantine: Well, never mind. You’ve certainly won your bet. So here are your 10,000 coins.
Constantine throws a big bag of coins at Ludwig. It bursts open and Ludwig is showered with coins.
Ludwig: What the heck?
All the coins are stamped with an imprint of Mario’s face.
Ludwig: What’s Mario’s face doing on these coins? Where’s Bowser?
Iggy: Bowser? We haven’t used his face ever since he died in the attack on Star Haven and Mario conquered the Koopa Empire. That reminds me, King Mario will be broadcasting a Merry Christmas from Peach’s Castle any minute now. Are you coming?
Ludwig: Err, no. I might just go one last trip.
Wendy: Oh no, don’t go, you haven’t had a taste of the delicious garlic pudding.
Roy: After which we are going to perform the Nutcracker.
He reveals the pink tights under his shell. They all begin to sing a rowdy remix of the Nutcracker march.
Ludwig: Right, that’s it.
He grabs the bag and runs back into the time machine, running over Luigi, who has just put numbers on the slot machine dial.
Ludwig: C’mon, Luigi, we’ve got to save the Empire.
Luigi: Why? I like garlic pudding.
Ludwig: But your brother’s the king and has married Peach.
Luigi: WHAT?!
Luigi throws a switch.
***
Bowser and Kammy are standing together. The time machine is parked next to them. Ludwig shakes the unharmed Koopa King’s hand and gives him a thumbs-up.
Ludwig: I thought I’d just drop in to wish you good luck. You can’t lose.
***
Ludwig has his arm around his big pal Lemmy Hood.
Ludwig: There’s one question I’ve always wanted to ask you.
Lemmy: Yeah?
Ludwig: How come you’re so great?
Lemmy: Well, because I’m me.
They both laugh.
***
Ludwig steps out of the time machine again. His siblings are back to their old selves. He tosses the items on the table again.
Iggy: Look! The ball of Lemmy Hood!
All: Oh my DAD!
Ludwig: (ultra smug) That’s better.
Morton: Well done, Ludwig! But tell me, all this stuff about changing history with time travel. You must’ve had to be very careful.
Ludwig: Oh, I was. Very, very careful.
Larry: Interesting thought though, isn’t it? The smallest thing can change history. If our father died, we’d all be Mushroom citizens.
Lemmy: Or if someone hadn’t invented bathing, we’d all be smelly.
Iggy: The tiniest thing can change history. Think of what havoc a person could cause.
Ludwig: Yes… Could you excuse me for just five seconds?
Larry: Sure.
Ludwig: Why don’t you go back and watch TV? I’ll be back very, very soon.
In the time machine…
Ludwig: Luigi, I have a very cunning plan.
Luigi: Is it as cunning as a fox who used to be professor of cunning at Mushroom University but has moved on and is now working for Koopa Intelligence as High Cunning Officer?
Ludwig: Yes.
Luigi: Ooh, that’s cunning.
***
The Koopalings are all gathered around one tiny TV in the center of the room.
Lemmy: Right. Here goes.
He turns it on. The voice of a Koopa announcer sounds at a big party in Peach’s Castle.
Announcer: And now excitement mounts as the final guests of honor arrive as the great doomship comes into view. Here, at last, is the King himself, Ludwig the Great, universally loved, 99.9992 percent approval rating across the planet. And with him, his gorgeous new bride, Queen Karma, the planet’s most famous beauty, beloved by all.
The two exit. Luigi rushes up to meet them.
And here to great them is the current ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom. Unmarried, of course, but now entering his fifth year of rule. The relationship between Ludwig and the King has been quite close, especially since the two kingdoms merged two years ago. And what a great partnership the two have become, leading Plit magnificently into a prosperous and triumphant future.
King Ludwig von Koopa and King Luigi Mario shake hands. They turn to the camera and smile… and wink.
The End
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