Morning. The annoyingly chipper birds are well into their irritatingly cheerful song, which is most likely the reason that absolutely none of them are within eyesight. The Paper Pack has gathered around their fire pit, and Goombario is attempting to light a fire. After a few failed attempts, a pitiful little flame has sparked, which gradually grows with some intense blowing. Parakarry turns around, apparently irritated with the cameraman.
Parakarry, Mailman: Why are you here again? Go away.
Goombario: Why is the camera guy here so early?
Parakarry: Beats me. He won’t go away.
Bow: That’s why it’s called a reality show, stupid! If there wasn’t at least one camera watching our every move at all times then the show couldn’t air!
Watt: Oh. Let’s have breakfast!
So they do. After another brief session of shell-to-can bashing (Kooper’s), they open another can to find…
Kooper: Canned potatoes? I didn’t know they could do that!
Goombario: Well, they can.
Watt: Who can?
Goombario: Uh, er, I am not at liberty to say…
Bombette: Sure.
Parakarry: Do these things need to be cooked?
Kooper: Who cares? I’m hungry!
Acting, for some reason, on Kooper’s advice, they eat the potatoes uncooked, never mind that they’ve just spent a good thirty minutes attempting to get a fire going. They make good use of the can by turning it into another cup, seeming to forget that they already have more than enough of them.
Goombario: You know that Wiggler that chased us the other day?
Bow: If you must mention that disgusting creature, don’t do it in front of me!
Bombette: It was cute!
Watt: Yeah, ‘til it turned all red and evil-looking.
Bow: Grr…
Goombario: Yeah, well. Disgusting or not, that thing ate a good third of our rice!
Watt: I don’t like rice anyway.
Goombario: So you’d rather starve, then.
Watt: Um, I dunno. Does starving hurt?
Bow: I wouldn’t know. I don’t need to eat, mwahahahaaa!
Sushie: Maybe we should be more careful with our food.
Bow: It probably doesn’t matter.
Bow, Boo Princess: If they all starve to death, then I’ll win! Oh, wait… That wouldn’t work.
Watt: Can we play a game?
Kooper: What kind of game?
Watt: I dunno, like maybe tag or something.
Bow: That’s boring. Let’s play truth or dare!
Watt: I don’t like that game.
Bow: Well, maybe we could- Hey, what’s Kooper doing?
The pack turns to look at Kooper, who is busily etching words in the dirt with a stick. He appears deep in thought.
Watt: It looks like he’s drawing in the sand.
Bow: Duh. I mean, what’s he writing?
Sushie: Maybe the heat’s getting to him.
Parakarry: It’s not especially hot. Maybe he’s keeping a diary.
Goombario: It’s not going to be very private then, is it?
Bombette: Especially when the letters are that big.
Kooper, Curling Stone: I hate it when they talk as if I’m not here.
Mismatch Mass
Back at camp Mismatch, all is well beneath the artificial light and soothing air-conditioning of the Dome. Spiny and Iggy are in a heated Smash Bros. battle. Dino Torch is watching. The others are all somewhere else in the Dome.
Spiny: HA! I win!
Iggy: Do not! I was Link, remember?
Spiny: Nooo, I was Link. You were Kirby.
Iggy: Dino Torch, I was Link, right?
Dino Torch: Dino Torch isn’t here right now…
Iggy: Er, see? He agrees with me.
Spiny: But, but… Aw…
Iggy: Hahaha! Who’s laughing now?
Spiny: Um… Dino Torch?
Dino Torch: I’m not Dino Torch!
Iggy: Right, and I’m not a Koopaling.
Dino Torch: Eeheheee…
Spiny: I don’t like that look he’s got…
Iggy: Fine. Who are you, then?
Dino Torch: This is Harvey. Dino Torch is busy.
Spiny: Ludwiiiiiiiiiig! Dino Torch is scaring meeee!
Ludwig (from the next room): Vot is it?
Spiny: Dino Torch is looking at me funny and he says he’s Harvey!
Dino Torch: I told you already, Dino Torch is not here!
Ludwig and Cobrat enter, followed by Pidgit. They wait a few seconds for Cheep Cheep, who flops out momentarily, shovelling some kind of food in her face.
Cheep Cheep, Athletic Swimmer: What? I was hungry! I shouldn’t think that’s being unreasonable seeing as we just spent the last six days in the forest!
Cobrat, Marksman: We’re still in the forest, ya dolt.
Ludwig: Vot is the problem?
Spiny: Stop the funny accent! Dino Torch is acting funny.
Ludwig: It isn’t a funny accent! It is dignified.
Spiny: Whatever you call it.
Dino Torch: How many times do I have to @#$%@# tell you, I’m Harvey!
Iggy: … That’s not like him.
Ludwig: Perhaps Dino Torch is suffering from MPD?
Cobrat: What’s that?
Ludwig: Multiple Personality Disorder. It is when someone appears to have more than one personality, possibly each with a different name.
Dino Torch, Pyromaniac: Why don’t they just listen? I’m Harvey!
Cheep Cheep: You need to sleep. Why don’t you just go upstairs and lie-
Dino Torch: Noooooo!
This continues for a while. Dino Torch continues to argue that his new name is Harvey while the others try to convince him that he’s gone nuts. After a little while, he begins to get violent, after which Cheep Cheep conks him over the head for fear of the beautiful Dome decor getting scorched.
Dino Torch: Y’know, I suddenly feel really tired… Zzz…
Cobrat: That was easy.
Iggy: So Dino Torch is a schitzo?
Ludwig: No, he probably has MPD. A schizophrenic is someone who hears voices.
Pidgit, Airline Pilot: I hate this show.
Paper Pack
Kooper: See? I’m writing a message in the sand so that if anyone is flying by they’ll notice it.
Goombario: Why would you want that?
Kooper: So they can rescue me from you guys.
Bombette: Aww, we’re not that bad.
Bow, Boo Princess: But I am! MWAhahahahahahahahaha *hack, cough* … ha.
Kooper: I need some help here. How do you spell “inhumane torture”?
Goombario: I-n-h-u… Hey! What are you talking about?
Kooper: Well, it’s what you guys are.
Bow: Ooh, burn!
Sushie: He meant you too, stupid.
Watt: This is boring.
Parakarry: You know, you’re really getting annoying. Every day all I hear is “This is boring!” or “Let’s do something fun!” from you. Guess what? It’s boring here. GET USED TO IT!
Bow: Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Watt: Wahhhh! You’re both so mean!
Bombette: That wasn’t very nice, you two!
Bow: Well it’s true.
Watt, Electrician: *sniff* It is not! I don’t say that every day… Bow’s only on his side cuz they’re in some sort of alliance thingy. What’s an alliance?
Sushie: Maybe we should find some food or something.
Watt: That’s all we ever do!
Bow: See? What’d I tell you?
Watt: … But that’s ok with me because I like checking the mail!
Sushie: Is anyone else coming?
Bombette: I will!
Sushie, Watt, and Bombette leave.
Parakarry: Maybe I was too hard on Watt. I didn’t mean to yell, I just sort of snapped.
Bow: No, no, she deserved it.
Parakarry: I dunno… Maybe I should apologize.
Kooper: How do you spell-
Goombario: Maybe we should discuss who we’re voting off if we lose. This is a good time, what with the other three away.
Parakarry: Well, Watt was being a little bit-
Bow: Watt.
Kooper: Bombette’s annoying me.
Goombario: I was thinking that maybe Sushie won’t be as strong in challenges.
Bow: Why not?
Goombario: Well, she’s got sort of a soft spot…
Bow: Nonsense. Watt’s a whining brat.
Goombario: Are you kidding? She only whined maybe… twice, and you’re getting mad. It’s not her fault she gets bored easy.
Bow: Who’s side are you on?
Kooper: Maybe your behavior could possibly persuade a certain group of people to unexpectedly change their votes.
Bow: Well, I, er…
Watt: We’re baaa-aack!
Bombette: There wasn’t any mail.
Sushie: But we found some nice sticks! I thought maybe we could add them to our hut or something.
Bow, Boo Princess: Ooh, if only I wasn’t on public television…
Mismatch Mass
It’s getting dark, but the mass is playing outside anyhow. Dino Torch is still "sleeping" inside. Pidgit is trying to find “those annoying crickets” with little success, though he’s managed to discover a few nice rocks.
Pidgit: Ahh, where are they?! That chirping is driving me nuts!
Spiny: Whee, volleyball is fun!
Cobrat: But where’d the volleyball and net come from?
Iggy: Your guess is as good as ours. They’ll probably be gone by tomorrow.
Ludwig: We should head towards the Waterproof, Aerodynamic, Self-air-conditioning, Independent Multi-level Indoor Complex ©.
Spiny: That’s too hard. Can’t we just call it our Dome?
Ludwig: If it is more convenient. But as I was saying, we should acquire some rest.
Cheep Cheep: You can if you want. I want to watch TV when we go back in!
Ludwig: I’m afraid that is not impossible until tomorrow. The Dome’s electricity is solar powered, and can therefore not successfully generate the needed electrical power between the hours of 20:00 and 07:00 hours in our current time zone.
Spiny: Huh?
Ludwig: It can work only during the day.
Spiny: Aww… Well, do we have to go inside? I’m sure volleyball is just as much fun in the dark.
Pidgit: Aughhhh! Where are those crickets?!
Ludwig: I do not trust this place. There could possibly be unfriendly natives.
Cobrat: I guess he’s right. Let’s go inside. You too, Pidgit.
Pidgit: But those crickets will keep me awake all night!
Spiny: Nah, they’re too stupid to do anything besides chirp.
Pidgit: I rest my case.
Spiny: What case?
Pidgit: Never mind.
After a few minutes of trying to find the front door (it’s gotten quite dark in the last few minutes), the Paper Pack enters their Dome. Unfortunately, it’s just about as dark inside as out, if not darker.
Cheep Cheep: How are we supposed to find our way upstairs? I can’t even see you guys, let alone the staircase.
Pidgit: Oww!
Cobrat: What’s wrong?
Pidgit: I think I just flew in to the wall.
Ludwig: Are you all right?
Pidgit: Yeah. I landed on something soft.
Cheep Cheep: Yeah, me!
Spiny: Ha ha! *bonk* Ow! Pidgit, that wasn’t nice!
Pidgit: What are you talking about? I’m over here.
Spiny: Then who just hit me?
???: BOO!
Spiny: EEEEK! Who’s there?
???: Hahahahaha! I wish I could have seen the look on your face!
Cobrat: I just wish I could see. Is that you, Dino Torch?
Dino Torch: NO! This is Harvey.
Pidgit: Er, yeah. Think you can help us find our way upstairs?
Dino Torch: Yeah! I can see in the dark!
Iggy: Good. Take us upstairs!
Day 8
Paper Pack
Kooper, Curling Stone: Ah, just another picture-perfect day here is the general area of absolutely nowhere somehow positioned smack dab in the middle of the Forever Forest! I love it here! The sun, the trees, the rabies-infested rodents scurrying around, all topped off with a great big smile! Yes, I love the world! Do you need a hug?
Cameraman: No, I do not.
Kooper, Curling Stone: Well that’s ok, because everything is hunky dory and I am HAPPY! Aww, hello there!
Kooper crouches down as if to talk to something.
Kooper: You look like you’re enjoying the sun! Are you one vacation? Really? Me too!
Bow: Kooper, why are you hugging a pinecone?
Kooper: Shh! Don’t listen to that over-toned Boo. There is nothing wrong with you, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
Bow: Eh?
Parakarry: What’s with him?
Watt: Whatcha got there, Kooper?
Kooper: You wouldn’t understand.
Watt: Ooh, pretty pinecone. Can I see?
Kooper: Hm… I guess. Here. Treat it with the utmost respect.
Watt: Yup. Hey, do you think there’s any nutritional value in these things?
Kooper: (snatching away the pinecone) How DARE you?
Goombario: Yo!
Kooper: HEY! Don’t you “yo” me. That’s never going to make up for what you did!
All stare suspiciously at Goombario.
Watt: Goombario?
Goombario: I have no idea what he’s talking about.
Kooper: Don’t lie to me! *sob* I know what your Great-Great-Great Cousin’s Aunt’s Niece’s Brother’s Aunt did last winter!
Bombette: (trying to pry the pinecone away from Kooper) Maybe we should… just… take… the pinecone…
Kooper: Nooo! Never!
Eventually, Bombette manages to wrench the pinecone from Kooper’s grasp. He begins to sob uncontrollably for a few minutes over the loss before standing up.
Kooper: You, you may have taken away my pride and joy-
Parakarry: It was a pinecone, Kooper.
Kooper: - but you will never steal the sunshine that even now so selflessly parades across the sky in an everyday celebration of happiness and LIGHT!
Sushie: It’s raining, you dolt. Come on inside.
Kooper: No! You’ve taken the sun away too! Have you no shame? No ounce of pity in your barbaric bodies?!
Bow: (muttering to Bombette) I think this place is getting to him.
Bombette: Uh huh.
Kooper: I heard that! You all hate me and for that you shall paaaaaay!
With a vacant look of psychotic intent about him, Kooper springs up and attempts to punch his fellow team members, literally foaming at the mouth. He misses. He looks around, confused, and lunges at the next thing he sees: the camera. The screen goes fuzzy, though sound can still be heard (of course, since you couldn’t see anything to begin with, you’ll just have to imagine a fuzzy screen, ok?).
Kooper: I want my pinecone BAAAAAACK!
THUD
Bombette: Oww… Here, take your stupid pinecone.
Kooper: *sniffle* Looks what you’ve done to it!
Bombette: What are you talking about?
Kooper: LOOK, DARN YOU!
Bombette: Kooper, if you’d kindly remove that pinecone from my face…
Kooper: Thou shalt pay for thy sins, mortal!
Watt: Huh?
Sushie: Hey, cameraman? We need some help here!
Cameraman: Still trying to fix the picture…
SMACK
Kooper: AUGH! By dose! Dat hurt, stubid Boo! Owie…
Bow: Hmph.
Cameraman: Hey, it’s working again!
Sure enough, the screen flickers back into focus. Most of the mass is staring at Kooper, who is now sitting down, rubbing his nose. Goombario is failingly trying to contain his amusement and Parakarry is rolling on the ground in a fit of laughter. Bow is bearing her fan threateningly, as if daring Kooper to complain.
Watt, Electrician: Our mass is a weird one. Stupid pinecone.
Mismatch Mass
As the camera pans over the funny-looking black dome, scenes suddenly change to the interior. The entire group is sprawled out on the steps, asleep; it would seem that Dino Torch’s night vision was not as great as he had claimed.
Cobrat: *Yawwwwwn*
Dino Torch: See? Told you I could see in the dark.
Iggy, Paperweight: Apparently, a certain dinosaur needs to get his eyes checked.
Pidgit: I can’t feel my neck…
Cobrat: Huh?
Pidgit: I think I slept on it funny.
Ludwig: Zzz…
Spiny: Now what?
Cheep Cheep: What do you mean?
Spiny: We’re halfway up the stairs. Do we finish going up, or just go back down?
Iggy: What’s so hard about that?
Spiny: Well, if we decided to go back downstairs, then all of last night’s efforts would be totally wasted, but we’d get breakfast. On the other hand, if we continued going up, then we’d all feel the fulfillment of finishing what we set out to do, and I think I left my teddy bear up there too.
Iggy: Oh. Darn you, I forget where I was going to go now!
Cobrat: The washroom is upstairs…
Cheep Cheep: But both the kitchen and the N64 are downstairs.
Ludwig: Zzz…
Dino Torch: Harvey’s hungry! He wants to go downstairs!
Cheep Cheep, Athletic Swimmer: Oh great. Just great. Now he’s speaking in third person.
Dino Torch: I heard that! Harvey is only doing it so that you can get his name through your thick skulls!
Cobrat: Will you stop if we call you Harvey?
Dino Torch: Maybe.
Pidgit: Good, good. Now STOP IT. It’s already really annoying and you’ve only been doing it for a few minutes.
Spiny: Which way do we goooooo?
Cobrat opens his mouth to answer, but stops. Deep in thought, everyone (except Ludwig, who is still sleeping) waits for a long time, but no answers make themselves known. Realizing that no one knows the answer to this all-important question, he makes a decision.
Cobrat: Someone wake up Ludwig, we need an expert’s opinion.
Iggy, being the closest to his sleeping brother, proceeds to shake him violently while screaming “WAKE UP!” in his ears. Ludwig jolts awake, looking dazed.
Ludwig: Iggy? What was that for? And why are there three of you?
Iggy slaps Ludwig.
Ludwig: Ah. This is much more satisfactory. For what reason was I so rudely awakened?
Spiny: We can’t decide which way to go!
Cobrat: The washroom is upstairs, but the kitchen in downstairs.
Ludwig, Genius: I feel the sudden urge to tear a certain Koopa Kid to pieces.
Ludwig: You woke me for that?!
Pidgit: Er, yes.
Ludwig: Do any of you have to go to the washroom?
The whole mass shakes their head no.
Ludwig: And are any of you hungry?
All besides Ludwig nod their heads.
Ludwig: So, what does this information suggest?
Spiny: That Meow Mix tastes good?
Ludwig: NOOOO! That you should take the downwards course simply because no one here has any legitimate reason to proceed upwards!
All besides Ludwig: Ohhhhh.
Dino Torch: Then let’s go!
The group stampedes down the stairs. Spiny hesitates before doing the same, whereas Ludwig trails behind, shaking his head sadly.
Ludwig, Genius: Elapsed decision-making time, one hour and sixteen minutes.
Paper Pack
All is normal again, or at least as normal as it ever gets around here. Kooper seems fine again, though he still guards the pinecone viciously. Intermittently, he keeps asking it what it thinks of the food he’s given it.
Kooper: Really, it’s too cold? I think that’s just an excuse not to eat it.
Pinecone: …
Kooper: C’mon, I know you like cherries!
Pinecone: …
Bombette, Demolitions Expert: He gave it a cherry about an hour ago, and he keeps waiting for something to happen. I say he’s gone off the deep end.
Kooper, Curling Stone: I heard that! You should be more considerate of others’ feelings!
Bombette, Demolitions Expert: Oh, sorry-
Kooper, Curling Stone: Not me, stupid! The pinecone!
Bombette: *sigh*
Bow: Can’t we have an intelligent conversation, just this once? I mean, good grief.
Watt: What’s that mean?
Bow: Never mind.
Sushie: Maybe I should check the mail. Anyone coming?
Watt: Me!
Sushie and Watt leave, but the camera follows them. A few minutes of walking/flopping/floating is cut out, making them appear to arrive within mere seconds. Watt rummages around in the letter sack before pulling out something excitedly.
Watt: We have mail! We have mail!
Sushie: Uh, Watt?
Watt: Yes?
Sushie: That’s a pine needle.
Watt: Oh. I knew that.
Dropping the pine needle Watt returns to the letter sack and pulls out…
Watt: Ooh, a… book?
Sushie: Open it!
Watt: Hey, it’s stuck!
Sushie: Here, let me try.
Watt hands the book, which is plastered with the “Survivor II” logo, to Sushie. She tries and tries, but it just won’t open. The two try together, but this also accomplishes zilch. Confused, they return to camp.
Goombario: You’re sure it won’t open?
Sushie: Well, we couldn’t open it.
Kooper: Of course not, you need real muscle for that sort of thing!
Bow: Then why are you even wasting your time, Kooper?
Kooper: Ha! I’ll show you!
Smirking confidently, Kooper takes the book and pries at the cover with all his might. Unfortunately, “all his might” could be more accurately measured to that of an insect.
Kooper: I’ve decided I don’t feel like opening it any more. You can do it I’m sure.
Much pulling, prying, pushing, pulling and other such exhausting words from everybody, but the book stays shut.
Goombario, Journalist: I just know we’re missing something here… but what?
Mismatch Mass
Not much has happened since you last checked. Most of the mass is outside, amusing themselves with what little entertainment the forest has to offer. Namely, drawing in the sand and throwing sticks around. Ludwig is inside the Dome, presumably on the computer. Pidgit is high above the tree line, scouting for anything of interest. Dino Torch is bounding after something, breath ablaze, whilst Iggy stands off to the side talking.
Iggy: Uh, Harvey?
Dino Torch: Who is this “Harvey” you speak of?
Iggy: But, I thought, uh…
Dino Torch: Nah, that game’s over now.
Iggy: That… game…
Cobrat: What are you doing?
Dino Torch: Roasting butterflies. Want some? They’re really good!
Cobrat: Ugh, no thanks. I’m not that hungry yet.
Spiny: I want some! I want some! Me, me, me!
Dino Torch: Just a sec…
A few more minutes of running in circles, and Dino Torch manages to nab another butterfly. He presents it to Spiny proudly.
Spiny: Mmm, good! *munch munch* Crispy, yet chewy at the same time!
Cobrat: I think I’ve lost my appetite… Not that I had one to begin with, but I feel nauseous now.
Cheep Cheep: Spiny! Fetch the stick!
Cheep Cheep hurls a stick into the bushes. Spiny drops his half-eaten butterfly and bounces off, happily chanting “Ooh! Stickstickstickstick!” Pidgit suddenly drops from the sky, closely followed by his carpet.
Pidgit: Owie…
Cheep Cheep: What happened to you?
Pidgit: Ugh. I got distracted, lost my concentration…
Cobrat: You all right?
Dino Torch: Want a butterfly?
Pidgit: No to both.
Dino Torch: Oh.
Cheep Cheep: Let’s go inside! First one to the N64 gets to choose the game!
Cheep Cheep, Dino Torch, and Iggy dash off. Cobrat stays only long enough to help Pidgit back on to his carpet before doing the same. Pidgit grumbles, but follow them inside.
Spiny: It’s my turn for the first controller!
Cheep Cheep: But I won the race!
Dino Torch: Only because you cheated!
Iggy: Maybe there’s a better way to settle this…
Cobrat: Yeah, with a bullet!
All stare at Cobrat.
Cobrat: What? … I was just kidding! Really!
Suddenly, Ludwig bursts into the room excitedly, holding a sheet of paper.
Ludwig: We have received an Email!
Pidgit: Read it!
Ludwig: I shall. In… Abase… Er…
Cheep Cheep: Don’t tell me you can’t read it.
Ludwig: Certainly not! The light quality is insufficient for reading.
Iggy: Outside, then!
The gang stampedes outdoors. It’s noticeably lighter than it was indoors, obviously.
Spiny: Uh, what’s that?
Cobrat: It looks like a crayon drawing of a bell.
Ludwig: I agree. The poem itself appears rather short as well, but I suppose it cannot be helped. Ahem:
In case of fire, ring this bell,
Drop this book, and run like-
Pidgit: Uh, L-L-Ludwig?
Ludwig: What?
Pidgit: L-Look behind you…
Pidgit need not have warned however, because the subtle vibrating soon becomes as loud as an earthquake. Turning around, the group gasps to discover Triclyde, rampaging towards them at breakneck speed. A fiery ball emits from its left head’s mouth, sending them running for cover. Triclyde laughs heartily.
Dino Torch, Pyromaniac: Huh? Why is everyone running? I don’t see what the problem-
Unfortunately, he doesn’t finish, for it is at that moment that he is trampled under the huge, three-headed snake for his ignorance. Triclyde laughs again, proceeding to chase the entire mass out into the distance. Dino Torch climbs out of the indent in the ground and scrambles to catch up.
Reward Challenge
The members of the Mismatch Mass have all collapsed in a heap at the exact spot that Triclyde stopped chasing them, puffing and panting for breath. This spot is, most likely intentionally, only meters away from Lemmy, who is waiting to start the challenge. The Paper Pack appears to have gotten the message as well; Bowser is standing beside Triclyde, staring at the winded Paper Pack with a smug look on his face. Triclyde’s right head is doing the same, though his left and middle heads are arguing with each other.
Left: It was all thanks to me, of course. Without my stunning intellect, you two would still be back there trying to figure out which way was North!
Triclyde: At least I didn’t forget how to breathe fire.
Left: Shaddup!
Triclyde: You shut up!
Left: No, you!
Triclyde: You!
Left: Why, I oughta…
Right: You guys are so immature.
Lemmy: Could we PLEASE get started?
Right: Be my guest.
Left: No, I’m not finis- MMMPH!
Triclyde: Thank you.
Triclyde’s right head has just clamped his jaws around Left’s mussel, rendering Left quiet. This unfortunately leaves Right unable to speak as well, but it’s a drawback we’ll just have to live with for now.
Bowser: Hurry it up, will ya?
Lemmy: I’m getting to that. Losers, I trust you all enjoyed the last few days?
Loud groans and other such negative feedback come from the masses.
Lemmy: Heh heh, I thought so. But, in today’s reward challenge, you will be competing for something very valuable. This something will allow you to obtain your own food, meat, if you will.
Cheep Cheep: What is it?
Pidgit: Yeah, what?
Lemmy: Ah ah ah, I can’t tell you yet. Whichever mass wins will find out when they receive their prize. However, you can be sure that this is something worth winning.
Kooper: Aww, poot.
Pinecone: …
Kooper: It’s all right, we’ll find out what we’re getting, cuz we’re gonna win!
Pinecone: …
Lemmy: This task will not be an easy one. If you look to your left, you will see a line of duct tape stuck to the ground. This is the starting line for both teams. When I give the word, you may make a break for the other end of the field.
Lemmy indicates a small field over to the left. Two stretches of grass are set up like a footrace might be, except for the fact that the only two starting points are spread far apart and are large enough to fit a mass each. At the end of either stretch is one of two previously mentioned bosses, who have somehow managed to travel from one end of the field to the other without any logical means: Triclyde for the Paper Pack, Bowser for the Mismatch Mass.
Lemmy: You will be given a fire hose to douse the flames, but are otherwise unarmed. The first mass to successfully overthrow the opponent wins.
Cobrat: But, but…
Bow: You’re not telling me we have to-
Lemmy: Losers ready?
Despite the panicked “No!”s that come from both masses, Lemmy presents each mass with a fire hose and gestures for them to go. Nervous but determined, the masses set off towards the end of the field, jogging at a moderate pace. The fire hoses unravel as needed, apparently attached to some sort of pump off screen.
Parakarry: You guys have any idea of what to do?
Sushie: Nope.
Bombette: I could explode on ‘im!
Bow: I’ll smack some sense into the snake.
Goombario: Let’s just figure it out when we get there, ok?
Kooper: This hose is heavy!
Watt: Lemme help!
Meanwhile, the Mismatch Mass seems to have gotten the general idea. They have picked up the pace and are soon approaching Bowser. Bowser begins to spew fireballs once they get close enough, and the mass begins to execute some fancy footwork in attempt to avoid them. Dino Torch looks puzzled.
Spiny: Hot, hot, hot!
Iggy: And a one, and a two… Ouch!
Dino Torch: Why are you guys all dancing?
Cheep Cheep: We’re not dancing… (pauses here to duck another fireball) we’re trying to stay undercooked!
Dino Torch: Huh?
Ludwig: (muttering) Steaming fireball advancing from a ninety-three degree angle. Could be most easily avoided by taking the direct path to the-
He stops abruptly as the said fireball whizzes past. Another actually hits Dino Torch, who still can’t understand what all the fuss is about. Spiny takes refuge behind Dino Torch, running behind him so as to stay clear of the fire that is now raining down upon them.
The Paper Pack has gotten closer to Triclyde, and is now performing a very similar dance-like charge in order to progress any farther. The whole scene is actually somewhat comical. Kooper attempts to help by turning on the hose, but the pressure sends him swinging about in all directions. Bow, Watt, Bombette, and Goombario stop, but the hose’s water keeps splattering in their faces before they can get close enough to help. In the confusion, Goombario is hit by another fireball, courtesy of Triclyde’s middle head.
Triclyde: Oh yeah! Who hit him? Who hit the little Goomba?
Left: (mumbling) … You did.
Right: Knock it off, you two! We have to be careful.
Left: Yeah right! Ahahahaha!
Meanwhile, a few meters away…
Goombario: Oh, owowowoww! The pain…
Kooper: Are you all right?
Goombario: Well gee, I’m writhing on the ground in mortal agony. Let me think. NO, I’M NOT ALL RIGHT!
Kooper: Well excuse me for trying to be considerate.
Bow: Throw your pinecone at Triclyde! Maybe it’ll make him stop.
Kooper: NOOOOO!
Bow begins to wrestle with Kooper in attempt to gain possession of the pinecone. As the Paper Pack struggles to remain calm, the Mismatch Mass has already made it to Bowser.
Bowser: Jeez, there are a lot of you. Hold still so I can roast you!
Ludwig: King Dad, I would like to discuss the mutual benefits to both causes that would ensue as a result of your letting us defeat you easily. For one-
Bowser: What? Ludwig, what are you doing here? And Iggy? You mark my words, this will not go unpunished!
Iggy: But King Dad, we’re on this show and-
Bowser: No excuses!
As Bowser prepares to deliver a dungeon sentence to his confused kids, Dino Torch’s eyes seem to have gotten large and watery. He stares at Bowser with a look that can only be described as total admiration, zipping in front of the tyrant hastily.
Dino Torch: King Bowser, sir! How great it is to finally meet you!
Bowser: Eh? What is he talking about?
Dino Torch: You are my mentor! The way to roast your opponents to a perfect crisp is nothing less than awe-inspiring!
Pidgit: Dino Torch, what are you doing?
Dino Torch: Really, sir, it’s been a life-long dream of mine to meet you! Can I… Can I have your autograph?
Left speechless by this odd request, Cobrat uses the opportunity to wriggle around Bowser’s legs. Startled, Bowser claws at Cobrat, but it’s too late; he’s already teetering back and forth precariously. An enraged roar signals a victory for the Mismatch Mass, whilst moans of pain emit from the Paper Pack: Triclyde still hasn’t stopped breathing fire.
Left: *FOOM* Ha ha! This is fun!
Right: Uh, Left, I think maybe you should stop.
Left: Huh? Why?
Right: Because the other team won.
Triclyde: Really? Cool, we outlasted Bowser!
Left: Pay up, pal!
Triclyde: *sigh* Here’s your five coins back…
Left: Are you kidding? I bet double!
Triclyde sighs again as he shells out another five coins for Left. Left grins happily, while Right shakes his head at the immaturity of it all.
Lemmy: Mismatch Mass is the winner!
Spiny: Yay!
The Paper Pack leaves, grumbling as they carry Goombario away.
Lemmy: And now, you get to see your prize!
He pulls out a small, veiled object and begins to slowly pull away the covering. The tension gives way to utter confusion as the prize is revealed.
Lemmy: Be awed and amazed, losers!
Ludwig: But the meaning of awed and amazed are identical, being that-
Lemmy: Shh!
Cobrat: … A net?
Iggy: There aren’t any fish around here.
Cheep Cheep: I think I’m going to be sick…
Spiny: Ooooo, pretty mesh!
Dino Torch: It’s not a fishing net!
Dino Torch’s eyes are riveted to the net, and remain mesmerized as he takes it, holding it above his head triumphantly.
Dino Torch: Can’t you see? It’s a butterfly net!
Pidgit: We went through all that… for a butterfly net?!
Dino Torch: Isn’t it beautiful? Look at the wooden frame. The excellent craftsmanship that must have been put into this fine piece of art! I could almost cry…
Pidgit: Let’s just go.
The mass begins to leave, grumbling and complaining under their breath. Spiny tags alongside Dino Torch, wanting to get a better look at this “fine piece of art”.
Dino Torch: They just don’t appreciate the finer things in life.
Spiny: Wow. I believe you, Dino Torch.
Bowser: You kids are in big trouble when you get home!
Hearing this, Ludwig and Iggy pick up the pace. The other losers struggle to catch up as the two Koopa Kids hastily lead the way back to camp at breakneck speed.
Day 9
Paper Pack
The Paper Pack is, as always, back in their little hut. An aura of depression seems to have settled around the camp like fog.
Bombette, Demolitions Expert: We lost another challenge last night. At least it was only the reward challenge.
Parakarry: I wonder what the Mismatch Match won, anyway?
Kooper: Probably something really neat.
Bow: Like what? A cruise?
Goombario: No, that sort of thing won’t happen until the merge.
Watt: Maybe they won some pillows!
Goombario: I get the feeling it would be something more useful…
Watt: Pillows are useful! They’re comfy and warm!
Kooper: What do you think?
Sushie: Well, I-
Kooper: Not you.
Pinecone: ...
Kooper: Really? Possibly…
Pinecone: …
Kooper: No, I don’t think so. WHAT?
Pinecone: …
Kooper: Shut up!
Pinecone: …
Off to the side…
Bow: Is he arguing with that… pinecone?
Parakarry: I think so. Pretty sad, isn’t it?
Goombario: Maybe we should discuss who we’re voting off?
Parakarry: So, you’re already assuming that we’re going to lose? That’s not being very optimistic.
Bow: That’s because he’s being realistic! We should always expect the worst!
Goombario: Er, yeah…
Trying their best to appear absolutely inconspicuous (and failing miserably), Goombario and Parakarry grab Kooper and drag him over to the side. Kooper is still holding his pinecone, but has a nasty scowl on his face.
Kooper: Can you BELIEVE this guy? Really, you’d think I’d done a better-
Bow: Just shut it, ok? This is serious.
Kooper: Oh, and like this isn’t?
Parakarry: Er… That’s not the point. The point is, we still don’t know who we’re going to vote off if we lose tonight’s immunity challenge.
Goombario: This could be really important…
Kooper: Aw, who cares? We’ll deal with it when and if the time comes.
Parakarry: But, but-
Goombario: But this alliance was supposed to be for planning things strategically!
Kooper: Ok, you guys be strategic. Tell me when you’re finished.
Kooper returns to Bombette and Sushie, who eye him suspiciously. Watt looks oblivious to anything different.
Bow, Boo Princess: There goes one weird Koopa.
Mismatch Mass
It’s a beautiful day outside, and the losers are taking full advantage of it by… staying inside and playing N64. Dino Torch is outside however, trying to catch butterflies with the new butterfly net. He already has a large pile of them, and is still happily chasing them to his heart’s content.
Dino Torch: Wow, *swipe* that last *swipe* challenge was really *swipe, swipe* something! Not only *swipe* did I meet my fire-setting *swipe, swipe, swipe* mentor, but we also *swipe, swipe* won this! It’s a wonder that no one else wants to *swipe* use it!
Back inside…
Spiny jumps up and down on the spot, waving hyperly to the camera.
Spiny, Obstacle: Bamboo!
Iggy: Aww, all we won yesterday was a stupid net!
Ludwig: Perhaps we could use it as some sort of fuel?
Cobrat: Firewood, maybe. HEY, that was so my turn!
Pidgit: Was not! Anyways, how can you play without hands?
Cobrat: I use my nose.
Pidgit: But how? Never mind.
Cobrat: That’s right, it would be far too complicated for the likes of you lot to understand.
Ludwig: Except for I.
Spiny: Huh? Who’s I? I don’t see anyone named I here… Did I miss something?
Cheep Cheep: Can we play a different game now? I’m getting tired of watching you guys play Super Smash Bros.
(All stare at Cheep Cheep.)
Cheep Cheep: What? You have been playing it for the last four hours.
Spiny: Hey! You cheated!
Ludwig: I did not. It is almost impossible to cheat in a video game without utilizing a specific game modifier, making it logically-
Spiny: But you’re not logical!
Ludwig: I resent that.
As the battle grows more intense, all talking stops as their eyes stay glued to the screen.
Pidgit: Ah, no!
Cheep Cheep: He beat you good, Pidgit.
Pidgit: Hmph.
A few more minutes pass.
Spiny: NOOOOO!
Cobrat: Ha HA! Gotcha!
Spiny: But… but… I was so close!
Ludwig: Not close enough.
A few more minutes pass. Dino Torch bursts through the front door.
Dino Torch: Helloooooo! Lookie what I caught!
Though a few heads turn to see what Dino Torch has got, Cobrat and Ludwig remain deeply focused. Cobrat seems just about to defeat Ludwig, when suddenly, Spiny races across Cobrat’s tail on his way to see Dino Torch. Cobrat yells at Spiny, who takes no notice and skids to a stop beside Dino Torch. Cobrat returns his attention to the screen, only to discover that he’s left it a second too long…
Ludwig: YES!
Cobrat: AUGH! No fair! You saw what happened, I demand a rematch!
Ludwig: Nope, I win.
Spiny: Hey everyone, lookit the butterflies Dino Torch caught! Here’s a pretty blue one, and a funny brown one… Ooh, this shiny one’s nice.
Cobrat: I lost the most important game of my life for a few lousy butterflies?!
Cheep Cheep: Cheer up. There will be another time.
Dino Torch: These are not just lousy butterflies! Aside from being pretty and fun to catch, they make a delicious snack when roasted!
Pidgit: Um, maybe we’ll take care of them later…
Ludwig: And look! It’s time for the next challenge!
Immunity Challenge
Both masses have gathered at the site for the next immunity challenge. Most of the losers look confused. Spiny looks as clueless as ever, while Dino Torch appears ticked off.
Lemmy: Well, it looks like you’ve all come out of the-
Dino Torch: Why didn’t we get a poem? Why wasn’t there a funny guy to say it out loud?
Lemmy: Well, uh, we were a bit short on time, and, er…
Dino Torch: Short on time, my foot! This episode’s been the longest one coming so far. WHERE’S OUR POEM?
Lemmy: Maybe we can-
Dino Torch: I want a poem!
Lemmy: Sorry, I don’t think I can-
Dino Torch: If I don’t get one now, I refuse to participate!
Lemmy: Did I ever tell you that I’m psychic? I predict that a certain whiny dinosaur’s name may just happen to appear on EACH and EVERY one of the ballots, after his mass LOSES…
Dino Torch: Meep! I’ll stop.
Lemmy: Good. This challenge is fairly straightforward. There’s a big pile of rocks over there, along with a whole lot of paint. Everybody grab a rock, and paint it. The best rock’s owner wins the challenge for their team.
Spiny: We get to make a mess? Cool!
Lemmy: No, you’re going to paint rocks.
Spiny: Paint rocks, make a mess, same thing.
Lemmy: Ok. Losers ready? Go!
The Paper Pack and the Mismatch Mass separate and each find themselves a nice rock. Grabbing a few containers of paint, they look around, seeming to be searching for something…
Bow: Where are the paintbrushes?
Cobrat: We’re not using paintbrushes, duh.
Bow: Then what’s the point of painting if we’re going to get DIRTY?
Pidgit: Ha ha, the Boo’s afraid of a little-
SMACK
Pidgit: Ouch… *twitch*
Iggy: I can’t carry my rock!
Ludwig: Then I suggest you select one with a miniscule weight property.
Iggy: Huh?
Cobrat: He means pick a smaller one.
Iggy: Ah…
Dino Torch: I’ll think I’ll paint a fire!
Spiny: I’m not sure what I’ll do yet…
Cheep Cheep: What? There are only eight shades of blue? What kind of ramshackle show are you running here, Lemmy?
Lemmy: Hey, I don’t make this stuff up.
Kooper: So, what do you think of it so far?
Parakarry: Not ba-
Kooper: Not you!
Bombette: He’s talking to that pinecone again.
Sushie: He’s been acting really weird lately…
Bow: How can you tell? I don’t see a difference.
Goombario: Nice rock, there.
Watt: Why, thank you! I’m going for an abstract kind of approach.
Goombario: So I see. What is it?
Watt: I just told you, it’s abstract!
Around an hour later, everyone’s rocks are finished. Lemmy comes around to choose the best one.
Dino Torch: Do you like it? I call it, “Venting Anger on a Rock”!
Lemmy: It’s pitch black.
Dino Torch: That’s cuz I barbecued it!
Lemmy: NEXT!
Watt: This is my abstract rock! See? That’s a funny twirly thing, there’s a lightning bolt, and there’s a squiggle that looks almost like a dust bunny right there!
Lemmy: This looks like it was done by a five-year-old!
Watt: Not true! I’m six and a half!
After looking at many different and unique rocks, including marshmallows, candy, bamboo, cartoon snails, unintelligible messes, dragons, and other just as random themes, Lemmy finally finds one that leaves him speechless.
Lemmy: Wow… What is it?
Spiny: It’s my view on world issues, including but not limited to poverty, religion, and world hunger!
Lemmy: That’s beautiful! Victory to the Mismatch Mass!
Spiny: Yay!
Parakarry: Uh, Lemmy? In case you haven’t noticed, there’s nothing on that rock. We all spent an hour slaving our paintings, while he did absolutely nothing!
Lemmy: But I’ll bet that‘s all he ever does see… emptiness.
Bow: Only because he’s too stupid to open his eyes!
Ignoring the Paper Pack’s complaints, Lemmy hands Spiny the immunity idol, after which his team’s cheers stop. They tackle him and take it away before he has a chance to do it any unwitting harm.
Watt: But that’s not faaaaaaair!
Mass Massacre
The Paper Pack has hiked to Mass Massacre. Unwillingly perhaps, but they’ve shown up all the same.
Lemmy: Well, Paper Pack! We meet again.
Bow: And boy, does your breath stink! Ever heard of brushing?
Lemmy: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.
Bow: And what is with your hair? It’s called a comb, buddy!
Lemmy: Hey, being a host takes up a lot of my personal time, you know! What would happen if I just decided not to show up?
Goombario: Then we’d all be better off?
Lemmy: Ah, forget it! Kooper! Voting booth!
Kooper: Aww, what’d I ever do to-
Lemmy: NOW!
Kooper goes to vote. Vibrant, happy music begins to play. It stops once Lemmy smashes a small tape player behind him to bits, leaving no music at all.
Lemmy: Oops.
Bombette goes to vote. We see her standing very close to the camera, tapping the lens.
Bombette: Hello? Can you hear me? … Are you in there?
Cameraman: Hey, stop that!
Bombette: Aww… Oh, and my vote goes to Kooper, because he’s acting all funny.
Parakarry goes to vote.
Goombario goes to vote.
Watt goes to vote.
Watt: I vote for Bow, because she’s annoying me!
Sushie goes to vote.
Bow goes to vote.
Bow: I vote for Watt, because she’s a whiny brat!
Kooper goes to vote.
Kooper: I vote for-
Lemmy: HEY! You’re only allowed to vote once!
Kooper: Drat.
Lemmy: I’ll go tally the votes.
Lemmy does so, making for the vote bucket in as slow a fashion as he can possibly accomplish. After a few more nerve-racking minutes, he returns.
Lemmy: Once the votes are counted, the loser with the most votes will be asked to-
Parakarry: Aww, skip it. We know the rest!
Lemmy: The first vote goes to Bow. The next vote goes to Watt. The third vote, Bow. Fourth, Kooper. Fifth, Bow. Sixth, (drum roll, please) Bow.
Bow: Stop saying my name!
Lemmy: Congratulations, Bow!
Bow: Cool! What’d I win?
Lemmy: An inclusive, all-expenses paid trip outta here, courtesy of our oversized cannon!
Bow: NOOO! You guys can’t do this to me! We had an alliance!
Lemmy: It looks like they just did. Please retrieve your staff.
Bow: Grr…
Lemmy: All right, now you have to opportunity to crack that thing over the head of whomever you feel was responsible for your being voted off.
The losers all gulp simultaneously. An evil grin replaces Bow’s grimace as she bends her staff in half. Throwing it much like a boomerang, she somehow manages to hit every one of her mass’s members over the head at once. She then willingly floats into the cannon, enjoying the moans of pain from behind her.
Lemmy: Any last words?
Bow: I hate you all!
The cannon shoots her into the distance. The camera keeps focused until she can no longer been seen. The credits roll.
Who voted for who?
Kooper: Bow (breaking his alliance in
favor of backstabbing Bow, the alliance never made a group decision)
Bombette: Kooper (acting funny)
Parakarry: Bow (backstabbing Bow)
Goombario: Bow (feels that she’s lowering
the team spirit, not voting with group)
Watt: Kooper (is annoying)
Sushie: Bow (she’s stuck up)
Bow: Watt (she’s a whiny brat)
Bow, Boo Princess, on being voted off: Kooper, Parakarry, Goombario! You backstabbing freaks! I could just… But no. You just wait until you get back, oh yes. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! Mwahahahaha!
Day 10, Coming Soon...
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