It all started on a bright and sunny morning. Lemmy had just gotten back from his morning walk- er... sorry, roll- and rolled into the castle.
Lemmy: Hey guys.
Lemmy's voice echoes throughout the castle's halls.
Lemmy: Hello? Anyone here?
There is no answer.
Lemmy: This isn't funny, guys-
Just then, Lemmy is grabbed by the shoulder.
Lemmy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Lemmy turns around only to see a giant
Hammer Brother-like creature. It is about 20 feet high, and has, instead
of a hammer, a sword. The "Sword Brother" picks Lemmy up and throws
him into the dungeon with
the rest of his family except for Bowser,
who is busy trying to defeat Mario and Luigi... again!
Lemmy: What the heck was that thing?
Ludwig: Another of my creations gone horribly wrong.
Lemmy: What?
Ludwig: I was trying to create something to make us all stronger, bigger, so that we could finally take over the Mushroom Kingdom.
Larry: He tested it on a pair of Hammer Brothers, but it made them grow much bigger and their hammers changed into swords. Oh, yes, it also made them evil.
Iggy: They were already evil!
Larry: Well, they became eviler.
Ludwig: Eviler is not a word!
Larry: Sorry, my bad.
Ludwig: The correct usage is "more evil".
Roy: Thanks for the grammar check, Kooky.
Ludwig: My name is Ludwig! Ludwig! It’s not Kooky!
Roy: Whatever you say, Kooky.
Larry: I told you, you should have tested it out on a Goomba. The worst a Goomba could do is maybe mess up our castle a little.
Lemmy: Did you make an antidote, Ludwig?
Ludwig: I made one in case the potion fell into enemy hands, but I can't get to it. It's in my lab.
Lemmy: Wendy, give me one of your hairpins.
Wendy: What for?
Lemmy: You'll see.
Wendy: No! I want to keep it!
Lemmy: Would you rather lose a hairpin
or stay here until the Sword Brothers come back and do whatever
they’re planning to do with us?
Wendy: When you put it that way, I’ll give it to you.
Wendy gives Lemmy one of her hairpins.
Morton: Oh I know what he’s going to
do it’s what they do every single time with hairpins or whatever they
use it to pick a lock which is pretty
corny if you ask me because they’re nothing like the keys and the locks
must be built pretty bad if it’s so
easy to break out of them so-
Lemmy: Do you, out of curiosity, have an antidote for loud mouths?
Ludwig: Not yet, but I’m working on it.
Lemmy: Okay, I’ll get us out of here.
Lemmy uses Wendy's hairpin to pick the lock of the cell that they are in.
Iggy: Now, let's get that antidote!
Ludwig nods.
Morton: But how will we get to the lab if there are Sword Brothers there and if they see us they'll chop us up into itty bitty, teeny tiny, bite-sized, miniscule pieces and we’ll all be killed because we’ll all be cut up-
Larry: Being a spy, I know about these kinds of things, so we'll need to be very quiet. That means, SHUT UP, MORTON!!!
The Koopalings quietly sneak out of the dungeon.
Roy: (whispering) Since this is really all your fault, I want to give you a warning. If we die, I'm going to kill you, Ludwig!
The Koopas are now on the first floor, moving toward Ludwig's lab.
Larry: (whispering) Now remember, be very, very, quiet.
Morton: (whispering) I'll be quiet, silent, not making a sound, keeping my mouth shut-
Roy: SHUT UP MORTON, OR I WILL PERSONALLY TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB, AND THEN, IF THERE IS ANYTHING LEFT OF YOU, I WILL DO THE SAME TO THOSE!!!
A Sword Brother hears the noise and comes to see what it is.
Larry: So much for being quiet...
Sword Brother: RARRRRRRRGH!!!
Larry: This cannot be good.
Morton: That’s because it isn’t good, it’s bad, it’s awful, it’s horrible, we might die, but we might not, but it’s still not good, just like you said, because it’s bad. Bad things aren’t good because bad is the opposite of good, and opposites are never the same, because-
Wendy: RUN!!!
The Koopas run as fast as they can up the stairs to get away from the Sword Brother.
Ludwig: Quickly! To my lab to get the antidote!
The Sword Brother's sword just narrowly misses hitting the Koopaling closest to him, Wendy.
Larry: Just keep moving and you'll be all right!
Ludwig: There's my lab, up ahead. We should be able to make it.
The Sword Brother misses hitting Ludwig by half a centimeter. The Koopas run into the lab, locking the door behind them.
Ludwig: Whew! That was close.
Bam! Bam! The door to the lab is being kicked by the Sword Brother.
Ludwig: There's the antidote!
Bam! Bam! The door is coming down!
Larry: Got it!
Bam! BAM!!! The door falls over.
Larry: I can't just hit him with this! I need a distraction!
Roy: Not me!
Wendy: Me neither!
Larry: How about Morton? You can tell him your speech about speeches.
Morton: No way!
Lemmy: Well, whoever is going to go
should really decide quickly, 'cause the Sword Brother is kinda right
there.
Wendy: Where?
Lemmy: There!
Wendy: Where is there?
Lemmy: There is there!
Wendy: Sorry, my mistake.
Larry: C'mon Morton. We need you to
tell the Sword Brother your speech about speeches to distract him
while we pour the antidote on!
Morton: No!
Roy: MORTON! WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER DO, BE KILLED BY THAT, OR GIVE IT YOUR SPEECH ABOUT SPEECHES?!
Morton: *sigh* Okay.
Morton turns to the Sword Brother and begins telling him his speech about speeches.
Morton: Now, speeches could only begin
once people could talk, but then they only said simple things like
"Hunt" or "Drink", which aren’t speeches.
They could only give great, grand, excellent speeches once there
were lots of words and lots of things
to talk about, which is when there were civilized people in civilized
cities with civilized, or sometimes
not so civilized languages, and they used the speeches to communicate
with other people, usually with lots
of people. I’ll give you an example. Some guy once said something about-
Sword Brother: Wraaaaaagh!!!
The Sword Brother puts his hands over his ears.
Ludwig: NOW!!!
Larry throws the antidote at the Sword Brother. The flask breaks open and soaks the Sword Brother in the antidote.
Sword Brother: Garrrrrrrragggggggh...
The Sword Brother's roar fades as it shrinks back down to an unconscious Hammer Bro.
Ludwig: That's the last of the antidote. I guess I made just enough.
Morton: Woohoo! We won! We are victorious! The Sword Brother is no more! Evil wins again against evil! Of course, we’re less evil than those guys, therefore whoever is more good wins against the people who are more evil... usually, anyway. Anyway, I’m just-
Lemmy: Wait... Ludwig, didn't you say that you experimented on a PAIR of Hammer Bros.?
A roar echoes throughout the castle.
Roy: Kooky, do you, by any chance, have another antidote?
Ludwig: Call me Ludwig! And as to the answer to your question... well... um... that is to say...
The roar comes closer and closer.
Larry: I think we’re in trouble.
Morton: Talk about stating the obvious! I mean, everyone knows that, so you don’t have to say that, because we all know that. There is absolutely no reason to tell everyone something they already know, because we don’t need to be reminded of something we know, unless it’s something that we forgot, but we didn’t forget this, because it’s happening right now!
Iggy: Okay, never mind all that. The real question is... What the heck do we do?
The Sword Brother finally shows up.
Sword Brother: RRRRRGGGHHH!!!
Just then, Lord Seth and his friend Vapor came walking by.
Lord Seth: I told you we should have taken a right! But did you listen? No... you just HAD to take that detour, and what you thought was there wasn’t there. Oh, here’s someone! Hello! Could you tell us where we are?
Sword Brother: AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
Vapor: It appears that we are in the Mario Universe, also known as PH-146.
Lord Seth: Well, now we can get out of here.
Zap! Both planeswalk away.
Morton: Why didn’t anyone say something
they wrote this story they could have gotten us out of this but no one
said anything I would have said something but you guys would have hit me
but I think we should have
at least asked them because I’m sure
they could have helped you know?
Iggy: May I give a suggestion?
Larry: What?
Iggy: RUN!
All seven of the Koopalings start running very quickly.
Wendy: How long did it take you to make that antidote, Ludwig?
Ludwig: About a week. I finished it just before I tested the other substance on the Hammer Brothers.
Iggy: Does anyone have any ideas on what we should do?
Everyone: No.
Sword Brother: RRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
Iggy: Does anyone have any ideas now? Anyone? Maybe? Please?
Lemmy: We have to destroy this enemy-
Roy: DUH!
Lemmy: - before King Dad gets back. I don’t think he’d be very happy about the current state of things.
Larry: Less talking, more running!
Lemmy: Well, I do have an idea.
Everyone: What?
Lemmy: I hate to have to do this, but how about Operation X?
Larry: That may be our only choice. But still...
What is Operation X? Will it defeat the Sword Brother? Why is everyone so nervous about it? Will we actually find out the answers to these questions?
Roy: Watch! I’ll cream that Sword Brother, and we won’t even need to use Operation X!
Roy tries to attack the Sword Brother, but nearly gets cut in half.
Roy: Okay... maybe we should use Operation X!
Ludwig: To think that we would have to stoop this low...
Lemmy: How about Operation Q?
Everyone Else: No.
Larry: There is no Operation Q.
Wendy: Then why is there an Operation X? If we skipped Q then why-
Iggy: Let me give a suggestion. RUN AWAY FIRST!
Everyone runs away. They get out of
the castle and continue running to some given point that we do not
know where it is yet. They take the
shortest path, which is a straight line, as the shortest distance
between two points is a straight line.
Roy: Huh?
Ludwig: If you had been observing the instructor in your geometry class you would have learned that, Roy.
Roy: Huh?
Iggy: He means that if you paid attention in class you might understand that!
Roy: Huh?
Ludwig: Give up. He’s hopeless.
Roy: Huh?
Iggy: Here, let me try.
Iggy conks Roy on the head, bringing his mind back to Plit.
Roy: You ******! You hit me! I’ll show you a real hit!
[THIS SCENE IS CENSORED by Comic Readers Against Pummeling]
Iggy: Ow.
Larry: Forget this, we have to get going.
Wendy: Aren’t we supposed to say what Operation X is?
Larry: No way! I get sick just thinking about it.
Wendy: Okay, whatever.
Our heroes, er, I mean villains, I mean,
oh, I don’t know what I mean. Our whatevers go to the Mushroom
Kingdom.
Lemmy: Not to the Mushroom Kingdom, you idiot narrator!
My bad. They went to Mario and Luigi’s
house. In case you are wondering, they already defeated Bowser
and returned home. Bowser was accidently
knocked into an alternate universe and is attempting to return.
But you know the distances between
universes... about 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 miles. Where are the taxis?
Lemmy: Who gets the "honor" of knocking on the door?
Ludwig: Roll a die!
Lemmy rolls one of those eight sided dice you see on Dungeons and Dragons. It lands on 4, Larry’s number.
Larry: No way! That dice is rigged. Try another.
This time it’s Roy.
Roy: This is as rigged as Survivor and the Koopaling votes!
While all of this is going on, Mario and Luigi hear this entire scene and come out.
Iggy: Uh oh.
Luigi: Are you here to kidnap the princess again?!
Roy: Yes we ar-
Everyone takes off the tape on Morton’s mouth and attatches it to Roy’s.
Morton: Yeah I can’t believe someone other than me has tape on their mouth I mean honestly I’m really happy so-
Wendy takes out her own tape and puts it on Morton’s mouth.
Mario: Well, you can’t! The princess isn’t here, so you can’t kidnap her. Hahahahahaha!!!
Mario laughs at his own logic.
Larry: Actually, we came here for a different reason. You see-
Luigi: Actually I can’t see. I always forget to pick up those glasses... but they make me look dorky!
Mario: Switch to contacts.
Luigi: I can’t switch because I don’t even have glasses.
All the Koopalings roll their eyes while Mario and Luigi continue arguing.
Larry: They argue even more than... oh, there’s no one who even comes close!
Just then, the Sword Brother (which had been following them) shows up.
Mario: Luigi! Behind you!
Luigi: Oh, I’m not an idiot. You’re
going to chant that "Made you look! Made you look! Now you’re in a
baby book!" song for the hundredth
time today! Well, after ninety-nine times I finally got the idea!
Mario: But it’s real this time!
Luigi: That’s what you said the last ninety-eight times!
Mario: No, really!
Luigi: And you said that the last ninety-seven times.
Later (MUCH later)...
The Sword Brother finally gets tired of all of this and tries to kill Luigi.
Luigi: AAAAAHHHHH!!!
Mario: I told you!
Mario and Luigi try in vain to destroy the Sword Brother.
Sword Brother: Stop that!
Wendy: You can actually TALK?
Sword Brother: Are you criticizing me?
Wendy: No I’m not.
Sword Brother: Phew! I mean... AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
Mario: This is one of the corniest stories I have ever read!
Suddenly, the Sword Brother is knocked
out temporarily. Unfortunately, a magic forcefield stops
everyone from reaching it.
Luigi: I know. It IS corny! I mean, the author’s buying us time to think of a plan!
Would you like me NOT to?
Luigi: I take that back!
Good.
Ludwig: Fine. Any ideas on how to beat the Sword Brothers?
Mario: Why should we care? You created
it and you’re evil and we’re good and therefore we shouldn’t try to
help you!
Wendy: Because if you don’t it will destroy the Mushroom Kingdom?
Luigi: Good point.
Ludwig: Still, anyone have any idea
on how to beat it? I kind of lost the formula for the antidote and can’t
remember it.
Mario: I know! I know! We simply somehow
make ourselves bigger and then try to destroy the Sword
Brother which will be easy because
I could always defeat a Hammer Brother, which will be what the Sword
Brother will be to us when we’re that
big.
Iggy: Interesting idea... but how do we make ourselves all big? Ask Ludwig to create somewhat?
Ludwig: Great idea!
Iggy: No! I didn’t mean that! It would just explode and then we’d probably be shrunken and-
Roy: Shut up and at least let Kooky try.
Morton: Yeah, because I’m sure that it couldn’t be worse, it would probably kill us anyway, so therefore we have to at least try this, we have nothing to lose except our lives, which we would probably lose anyway if we don’t try this, so therefore it’s better to gamble in this way than die for sure, and I believe that because of this we should-
Everyone Else: SHUT UP MORTON!!!
Luigi: Anyone have duct tape?
Larry: I knew there was something I forgot!
Ludwig: Silly me. I can just use the formula I used to make the Sword Brother so big. Hopefully it won’t make us all evil...
Mario: You are evil. Well, not that evil, but evil, but not to the extent of that Sword Brother, so that it’s not quite that evil, so we’ll help you just this once.
So everyone walks, well, runs back to Koopa Castle, hopefully before the Sword Brother wakes up. Also, for once, just once, Mario and Luigi actually team up with the Koopalings.
Ludwig: C'mon! We can make it if we hurry really fast!
Mario: As long as that Sword Brother doesn't wake up.
The Koopalings and Marios make it to the castle.
Ludwig: This way!
Lemmy: Are we-
Iggy: There yet?
Ludwig: Almost! I just need to open this door and.. Here we are!
Ludwig begins rushing around randomly, mixing this with that, and that with this.
Ludwig: I need just a few more thats. Ah! Here's one! Finished!
BBBOOOOOOM!
Ludwig: Then again, maybe not...
Larry: Now what?
Mario: We run around screaming like the morons we are?
Luigi: Sounds good to me!
Mario and Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Ludwig: Just shut up... All we need to do is find more thats. I just got the proportions wrong.
Wendy: What are "thats"?
Ludwig: Let's see... a coin, a Koopa Troopa shell, a Hot Foot fire, and some Chained Chomp chain links.
Roy: Great! Now all we have to do is run around fleeing the Sword Brother, and collect all that stuff!
Mario: Our idea was waaaaaaaaaay better.
Morton: Let's go, depart, exit, leave-
Larry: I'll get the tape.
The Koopalings, along with a tape-mouthed Morton, and the Mario Bros. leave to begin their search.
Mario: All right! A coin!
Wendy: Maybe this won't be so bad after all...
Morton: Mrph mmmrph mph mmmm.
Morton points to a lone Koopa Troopa.
Wendy: This IS easy!
Roy: Hey you stupid Koopa! Gimme your shell and I won't hurt you! C'mon! Gimme!
Roy begins jumping on the Koopa Troopa, sending its shell flying.
Mario: Can we try our plan now?
Mario and Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAH!
Morton: MPPPPPPH!
Morton jumps on the shell, stopping it.
Larry: Great! Put it in this bag!
Iggy: Only two more items to go! This is great! Wonderful! Superb!
Larry: ...
Iggy: What? Why is everyone staring at me?
Larry: You're starting to sound like Morton.
Iggy: Oh... Sorry about that.
Ludwig: Let's continue our progression.
Wendy: Let's go you morons!
Mario and Luigi stop running around screaming.
Mario: Oh. Okay.
Roy: We seem to be forgetting something...
Sword Brother: RRRROARRR!
Roy: Now I remember...
Ludwig: A Hot Foot! Quick! Put it in this lantern!
Larry: There! It's in. Let's get back to the-
Iggy: DUCK!
Larry: No! I meant let's get back to the lab! Not the-
The Sword Brother's sword cuts off most of Larry's hair.
Iggy: Ha ha! You look like a moron!
The Sword Brother cuts off all of Iggy's hair.
Roy: Ha! I don't have any hair for him to cut off!
The Sword Brother cuts Roy's sunglasses in two pieces with a nice, clean cut.
Morton: MMMMPH!
The Sword Brother cuts the tape off of Morton?s mouth.
Roy: D'OH!
Larry: Quick! To the lab!
Ludwig: Wait! We forgot the Chain Chomp chain links.
Morton: Hmmmmm. Say... if we took those
chain links then the Chain Chomp wouldn't exactly be chained
anymore, now would it? Then they wouldn't
be Chain Chomp links, now would they? And-
Luigi: No time to be philisophical! RUN!
Mario: And don't forget to scream!
Luigi and Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Wendy: Do those two morons ever give up?!
Larry: Less talking more running!
Then, a Chain Chomp just happens to cross their path.
Luigi: You were right, bro. This story IS corny! It "just happens" to cross our path, and it's CHAINED DOWN!
Fine. As they run, they just happen to FIND a Chain Chomp. Happy? HAPPY?!
Roy: The narrator is starting to crack...
NOT ME! THE OTHER NARRATOR!
Roy: What?
Uh... this story was written by two people. HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CHAINSAW? KEEP IT AWAY FROM-
Iggy: Two authors? Bad move.
Wendy: Just like your move in that chess game?
Iggy: Not THAT kind of move!
Well, anyway... the Koopalings take some Chain Chomp links, then begin running away from the Sword Brother.
Sword Brother: Prepare to die!
Wendy: Well, what if I don't want to?
Roy: That was the dumbest comeback I've ever heard!
Well, let's skip all this running around and fast-forward a bit.
ZZZZZZZZZIP!
The End
Aaaaaah! Too far! Go back!
ZZZZZZZZZIP!
Attack of the 20-Foot Sword Brothers
Too far back!
ZZZZZZZZZIP!
Aaaaaah. Much better. So anyway, at the castle, Ludwig begins mixing the potion.
Ludwig: Done! Any volunteers to try it out?
Everyone looks at Iggy.
Iggy: Man... Fine. Give it here.
Iggy gulps down his portion of the potion and begins to grow.
Iggy: Hmm... No strange bizarre mutations...
Roy: Yeah, your face is ugly enough as it is, Iggy!
Iggy: Need I remind you that I am now much bigger then you are, Roy?
Roy: Not for long! Gimme that, Kooky!
Roy grabs the potion from Ludwig and chugs his portion down. As Roy begins to grow, Ludwig passes the potion around to everyone else.
Mario: Wow! One of Ludwig's inventions actually worked!
Luigi: Yeah! This will be way too easy! All nine of us, and there's only one of him!
Morton: I haven't been this big, huge, gigantic, large since that "Sneaky Giant Lying Cheating Ninja Koopas" caper, except that in this case, I'm not a ninja.
Roy: Let's get him!
Mario: Yeah!
Everyone now faces a new problem: how to fit through the door.
Roy: Simple. Kick it down!
BOOM!
Roy: King Dad was going to fix that wall anyway.
Wendy: He was going to fix the SOUTH side. This is north.
Roy: D'OH!
Lemmy: Too bad I couldn't get my ball up to my size...
Morton: Look! There the Sword Brother is, stands-
Roy: What I wouldn't give for a giant piece of tape...
Lemmy: Let's get him! CHARGE!
Lemmy, because he has no ball, trips and falls, and Iggy trips over him blindly (he can't see without his non-giant glasses).
Sword Brother: DIE!
The Sword Brother slashes them and they shrink back to normal size.
Mario: This is SOOOOOOO cheesy! They didn't die?!
Luigi: Well, this IS only a Fun Fiction.
Mario: Wanna know what else is cheesy?
Luigi: What?
Mario: Our clothes grew!
Luigi: Well, this IS only rated PG...
Wendy: AAAAAAH!
Morton: What is the matter, problem, thing that you are so worried about-
Wendy: You know how the Hammer Brother's hammer mutated into a sword?
Larry: So?
Wendy: Look at my bow!
Wendy's bow has stripes instead of polka dots. Wendy begins throwing a tantrum. While she is doing so, the Sword Brother cuts her down to size. Literally!
Wendy (back to normal size): Yay! My bow's back to normal!
Roy: (sarcastically) Oh, wonderful.
BLAM! The Sword Brother hits Roy, too!
Roy: Wouldn't that be a "WHACK!" instead of a "BLAM!"?
Um... er... ah... forget that question!
Roy: What question?
Thanks!
The Sword Brother throws his sword around as if it were a boomerang. It hits everyone except for Morton.
Morton: Woohoo! I wasn't attacked, defeated, hit, thumped because I managed to duck out of the way in time, and-
Sword Brother: ARGH!
Roy: I never thought I'd say this, but keep it up, Morton!
Morton: Okay Roy, if you want to, whoa, I can't believe someone wants to hear me talk. Isn't that great, magnificent, cool? It's about time someone appreciates my talking, and more talking, and even more talking, which is why my nickname is Big Mouth, because I talk a lot, with my mouth, and the term for someone who uses their mouth a lot is a big mouth, but if someone is a tattle-tale, then they're also sometimes called a big mouth, which is-
While the Sword Brother is busy covering his ears so he doesn't have to hear Morton talk (why he didn't just whack Morton with the sword, I have no idea), his sword falls. A trampoline suddenly appears-
Mario: Even more corny!
Everyone jumps on it, then lands on the Sword Brother (like in Super Mario Bros). Their added weight is just enough to knock it back to a Hammer Brother. Morton then shrinks back to normal.
Morton: Hey! This formula of yours doesn't work right, because it turned me back to normal, my regular small self, which isn't quite fair because I wanted to stay big, so people wouldn't pick on me, and then I could force them to listen to my speeches!
Ludwig: It was made so that everyone would turn back to normal after the Sword Brother was defeated.
Larry: Well, it looks like we won't have to fight you anymore, Mario.
Mario: Woohoo!
Well, it seems that way, until the Koopalings and Mario Brothers get into an argument about how you spell gray/grey, and whether it's a real color. Mario and Luigi go into the castle to get their things when Bowser comes.
Bowser: Hey kids! Did anything interesting happen when I was gone?
All the Koopalings glance at each other.
Koopalings: Nope! Nothing.
Bowser: Good.
Bowser goes into the castle. He goes right through the ruined wall.
Bowser: How nice. When did we get a window?
Wendy: Er...
Mario runs into Bowser on his way out.
Mario: Actually, they knocked your wall down.
Bowser: WHAT?!
Luigi: Um, I think we'll be leaving now.
Mario and Luigi run away.
Bowser: You kids are going to rebuild this wall BRICK BY BRICK! Then when you're done, you'll also fix the south wall!
Iggy: And what will YOU be doing during all of this time?
Bowser: I'll be waiting for my Extra-Growth FormulaTM to arrive in the mail.
A few weeks later, when the walls are fixed...
Bowser: My Extra-Growth FormulaTM just arrived! Let's see if it works.
Bowser finds a Chain Chomp and feeds it the entire Extra-Growth FormulaTM. He then throws the jar away. Ludwig catches it and looks at the ingredients.
Ludwig: Hey! That's exactly the same as my growing formula! When I get a chance, I'm going to sue those idiots for stealing my idea.
Bowser: Whoa, Chain Chomp! What a growth spurt you're getting!
Lemmy: *sigh* Here we go again...
The End
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