Larry: Oh no! Does anyone have a calculator?
Susan: Try Ludwig. He’s a LIVING calculator.
Ludwig: I resent that remark!
Roy: What’s that mean, Kooky?
Ludwig: LUDWIG!
Roy: My bad Kooky.
Ludwig: Grrr...
Larry: Um, see, my plants can only live without water for four days. Can they hold out to where we are now?
Ludwig: Well, it’s only Day 3.
Larry: And so?
Ludwig: Well, you forgot the day we spent getting here.
Larry: OH NO!!!
Larry runs out.
LARRY IS DISQUALIFIED
Outside...
Wendy is still waiting for the car. Lemmy is working on his computer.
Lord Seth: Don’t blame me! I didn’t even make the decision! Is it my fault that Mario was sent to give us the car?
Wendy: Yes.
Larry comes out.
Lord Seth: Ah, another person! So, why did YOU leave, Larry?
Larry: I need to go to Kastle Koopa and water my plants!
Lord Seth: That’s Castle Koopa. You forget this isn’t Donkey Kong.
Larry: Well, can I go there?
Lord Seth: Well, the problem is that no cars are arriving, and no one wants to go through those woods... so, I guess not.
Larry: WAH!
Lord Seth: Relax. I’ll just tell Bowser about it.
Lord Seth picks up his portable ultra-5000-expandable-collapsing-amazing-bargain-auto programmed-great long distance rates-radio controlled-tracking device-cell phone!
Lord Seth (on the phone): Hello Bowser? Oh yes. I’m using my ultra-5000-expandable-collapsing- amazing-bargain-auto programmed-great long distance rates-radio controlled-tracking device-cell phone to call you. Larry says someone has to water his plants? Oh, you will? Great!
Lord Seth puts down his ultra-5000-expandable- oh, nevermind.
Lord Seth: It’s fine.
Meanwhile, inside...
Susan: I can’t stand life without my love!
Susan runs out.
SUSAN IS DISQUALIFIED
Back outside...
Lord Seth, Paranormal Expert: Who will come out next? Will you ever remember to stop writing my occuption? Will-
Susan comes out.
Lord Seth: Well, another person came out! That leaves... Morton, Iggy, Roy, and Ludwig. Each will receive $250,000 if no one else comes out. This will be interesting. By the way, why’d you leave, Susan?
Susan: I wanted to be with Larry.
Larry: AAAHHH!!!
Lord Seth, Paranormal Expert: Man! I thought more people would leave because of ghosts than silly matters like these. And stop... oh, nevermind.
Inside, again...
Morton: Oh yeah both Susan and Larry left this place we’ll all get lots of money I’m happy about this it will be let’s see that a million divided by four what’s left I think it’s-
Ludwig: It’s $250,000.
Morton: That’s what I was about to say you don’t need to correct me when I haven’t even said my answer so at least let me say that because then you wouldn’t have to say anything and I could still-
Ludwig: You are using incorrect grammar! That is a run-on sentence!
Roy: As long as he talks less, I don’t care about his grammer.
Iggy: Uh huh. Who’s going to cook now?
There is another silence.
Silence: Hey everyone! As long as no one says anything I’m here, so don’t talk. Oh no! I’m talking.
The silence is broken.
Silence: This hurts!
Ludwig: I tried, but it kept exploding.
Roy: Just like I thought it would, Kooky.
Ludwig: I hate you.
Iggy: It’s getting late again! The zombies might be back. Let’s go back to our bedrooms.
Everyone: Okay.
Fortunately, nothing weird shows up, except for a Lil’ Boo, a Boo Diddley, the Big Boo, a Goomba Ghost, a Dry Bones, a Throw Bones, and Boney Beetle, a Fishin’ Boo, a Goomba Zombie, and a Skeleton Goonie. Like before, they disappear at midnight.
Day 4
Our heroes... I mean friends... I mean... our contestants are all downstairs.
Iggy: Hmm. I didn’t see any zombies tonight.
Roy: Are you ever going to fix the television Kooky?
Ludwig: Stop calling me Kooky and I’ll tell you!
Roy: Okay Kooky, did you fix the television?
Ludwig: *sigh* Yes, but it can only pick up one channel now.
Iggy: AAAAHHH!!!
Morton: I can’t believe it we only have one channel I mean we only have two or was it three channels before so it’s only one or two less and they were pretty bad channels but it’s still annoying maybe there was something good on them it’s so annoying to not be able to-
Roy kicks Morton.
Morton: Ow that hurt you know it isn’t nice to hit me because it hurts me although it does make me talk less although that isn’t saying much because I always talk a lot so-
Roy clobbers Morton.
Iggy: SHUT UP MORTON!!!
Ludwig: I suggest that we limit his verbal abilities!
Roy: Say what?
Iggy: He means tie him up and gag him.
Roy: Sure!
They all tie up and gag Morton so he can’t talk.
Morton: MPHMPHMPH!!! MPHMPHMPHMPH!!!
Roy: How about we push him down into the basement again?
Iggy: Remember all the problems we had last time?
Roy: Good point.
Meanwhile, in a hidden room of the house...
The Hidden Figure: Ha ha ha. Ha Ha Ha. Ha Ha Ha! HA HA HA! HA HA HA!!! I have finally finished creating these voodoo dolls. I shall force the foreign defilers out of this house. Bwahahahaha!!! Wahahahaha!!! Mwahahahaha!!! Wait a minute... why am I laughing? Aren’t I supposed to be sad?
The Hidden Figure takes a pin and stabs the Iggy doll.
Where the Koopalings are...
Iggy: Ow!
Roy: You’re such a %#^*! He thinks he’s hurt even though nothing hit him. I mean, honestly...
Iggy: Ow! It feels like pins are stabbing me. It hurts!
Ludwig: Be reasonable, Iggy. There is not a pin in this room, and therefore it is improbable that one could cause you pain in any function.
Iggy: Ow! It happened again.
Ludwig: Hmm. Then what could be going on?
Iggy: If it goes on much more, I’m leaving!
Suddenly, Iggy’s arm starts moving on its own.
Iggy: What the?
Ludwig: I’ve got it! You must be suffering
from a voodoo curse. Someone must be close by, because
voodoo magic cannot be used from long
distances away. Let’s see... how do you prevent voodoo magic?
Iggy: Roy! You’re doing this.
Roy: Actually, I’m not.
Iggy: Ow! It happened again.
Morton: Mmph mmmpphhmph!
Ludwig: I suggest that we allow him to converse. Perhaps he has the solution.
Iggy: It’s worth an ow! try.
Morton: Oh thank you I’m so happy I can talk again and-
Ludwig: JUST TELL US HOW TO CURE VOODOO CURSES!
Morton: Okay first to make a voodoo curse you need to have some article of that person whether it’s clothing or hair or toenails and then you make a good doll that looks like the person you’re trying to do it to. Now, to counteract the curse, you sprinkle salt on the person being affected by that.
Everyone sprinkles salt on Iggy.
Iggy: Achoo! Ow!
Roy: That didn’t work! Not that I really care...
Morton: Oh wait I remember you sprinkle the salt on the voodoo doll silly me that’s the easiest way but we don’t know where the doll is so you have to do something else which is-
Suddenly Morton’s mouth is covered with tape.
Roy: Whoever is doing the voodoo stuff must have gotten him, too. Can you help us, Kooky?
Ludwig: I give up!
Roy: You won’t help us?
Ludwig: No, I mean that I give up trying to convince you to call me by my rightful and correct name, Ludwig! If only I had my laboratory in here...
Suddenly, Ludwig’s laboratory appears!
Roy: What the?
Ludwig: Now is not the time to converse on the situation.
Ludwig quickly works on devising a cure for voodoo curses.
A few hours later...
Ludwig: I’ve got it! Just drink this!
Iggy drinks it and so does Morton (they managed to peel the tape off his mouth). The only problem is, the explosions in their stomachs give them indigestion.
Iggy: LUDWIG!!!
Ludwig: Sorry, my mistake. But at least the pins aren’t affecting you.
Back in the hidden room of the house...
The Hidden Figure: Drats. They now have the cure. I must find another means to rid of them.
The Hidden Figure looks around the room for something. He picks it up. Unfortunately, we cannot see what it is.
The Hidden Figure: Yes! I’ve got it!
Meanwhile...
Morton: Oh boy what did you put in that Ludwig you know the thing that stopped the voodoo curses what did you do with it I mean what chemicals were in it because-
Ludwig: Potassium Nioxide.
Morton: Oh that’s almost correct but you should have one less hydrogen atom in the molecules because then there wouldn’t have been the explosions but you still did it pretty good I’m impressed because it took you less time than I thought it would.
Ludwig: Could you keep your compliments shorter next time?
Iggy: I’m bored. Could we watch TV?
Roy: There’s only one $^$( channel, idiot!
Iggy: Well, it’s better than this! What is the only channel we do get anyway, Ludwig?
Ludwig: Fox.
Everyone: AAAAAHHHH!!!
Roy: You’re not very good at fixing things, are you, Kooky?
Ghost: BOO!
Everyone but Roy: AAAAAHHHH!!!
Roy: Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just a Fake Ghost, you know those enemies on Yoshi’s Island? It’s really just a Shy Guy.
Roy hits the Fake Ghost and it becomes a Shy Guy.
Shy Guy: Uh oh.
Roy pounds, smashes, pulverizes, demolishes, hits, kicks, splatters, massacures, annihilates, destroys, traumatizes, devastates, hurts, clonks, whacks, and bonks the Shy Guy, then repeats the process.
Shy Guy: Is... there... a... doctor... in... the... house?
Everyone: No.
Shy Guy: Aw man!
Shy Guy collapses.
Roy: And let that be a lession to any other Fake Ghosts! I, Roy Koopa, shall destroy them all!
Morton: Oh man that was excellent and superb Roy that really had to hurt I mean honestly I never could have done that because I’m not as strong as you but-
Roy: Thanks for the compliment.
Morton: Oh you're welcome I’m happy that you destroyed that I mean it wasn’t destroyed just really hurt and I’m-
Roy: SHUT UP MORTON OR I SHALL DO THE SAME TO YOU AS I DID TO THAT SHY GUY!!!
Morton: Okay. Hey, even I know when to shut up.
Iggy: You do?
Morton: Oh yeah even I know I mean listen if I talked any more than Roy would attack me but hey I am talking and-
Roy: You started Morton talking again?!
Roy does almost all the things he did to the Shy Guy to Iggy.
Iggy: Ow... that hurt.
Roy: I know. That was the point.
Ludwig: I believe most of us could have deduced that using the appropriate evidence.
Roy: You get on my nerves Kooky.
Iggy: It’s dark. Let’s go to bed.
Roy: It’s not night you idiot! Can’t you tell it’s a blackout?
Ludwig: Hmm. After fifty years their warranty must have expired.
Morton: Ludwig’s right I mean electricity runs out after a while like it does now it’s kind of annoying we can’t watch television but it only has one channel which is Fox and that’s a bad channel but even more importantly the lights are out that makes for a spooky scenery of course it’s actually night but it looks darker because of the blackout. Let’s just go to bed.
For once, just once, everyone takes
Morton’s advice and go to sleep. Fortunately, no zombies or ghosts
appear this time. But eerie sounds
like clickity clankities are heard.
Day 5
Roy: You blew up breakfast again, Kooky?
Ludwig: That’s it! I can’t take it anymore!
Ludwig runs out screaming (rather undignified, I must say).
LUDWIG IS DISQUALIFIED
Outside...
Lord Seth: Only two more days of this and then I can-
Ludwig comes out screaming.
Lord Seth: Finally! Someone leaves because of ghosts!
Ludwig: Actually, I just couldn’t tolerate how Roy kept calling me Kooky.
Lord Seth: You guys leave for the strangest reasons. Well, that only leaves Iggy, Roy, and Morton. So... each will get $333,333.33!
Inside...
Morton: Yes now we’ll all get more money
but uh oh who is going to cook now I mean Ludwig’s cooking kept
blowing up but at least we could eat
some of what’s left of his food. Who is going to eat now I mean really
I’m hungry and when you’re hungry you have to eat of course everyone knows
that because everyone has had that experience at least once in life so-
BONK!
Roy bonks Morton on the head.
Iggy: Woohoo! Now I’ll get $333,333.33! Oh yeah! Want me to try to cook?
Roy: If it isn’t good, I’m going to pound you!
Iggy tries to make food. It’s much better than Lemmy’s and Ludwig’s but still isn’t the best.
Morton: This food is bad it isn’t the worst but it’s still pretty bad because it wasn’t as bad as the earlier food we had to eat so I suppose it’s better than nothing and therefore I conclude-
BONK! CLONK!
Roy bonks Morton for talking and clonks Iggy for the food he thought was bad.
CLONK! BONK! CLONK! BONK! CLONK! BONK!
Roy continues to bonk Morton and to
clonk Iggy for the simple reason that he’s bored and can’t think of
anything else to do.
After a few hundred bonks and clonks...
Roy: I’m bored.
Meanwhile, in the hidden room of the house...
The Hidden Figure: Yes! I have constructed a voodoo house of this house.
The Hidden Figure makes some of the rooms cave in. The wall begins to fall on him.
The Hidden Figure: Oops.
Where Roy and our semi-friends are...
Iggy: Uh oh! The walls are caving in. RUN!
Everyone runs upstairs.
Morton: So what should we do now? The walls are caving in, and the house might actually collapse, killing us all! How do you suggest that we somehow stop this catastrophe, disaster, real mess from happening?
Iggy: I have no idea. Roy, maybe if you had called Ludwig ‘Kooky’ one less time, he might still be here and able to help us out here!
Roy: Emphasis on MIGHT. I’m mighty! Hahahaha!
Morton: He’s gone crazy, is not playing
with a full deck, has lost his marbles, has been hit in the head
too many times, is-
Roy hits Morton.
Morton: It’s a miracle I haven’t been
hit in the head too many times, because I’m always being hit in the head
because people are annoyed that I talk so much, but if they had paid more
attention to me when I was
younger I wouldn’t have talked so much,
so they only have themselves to blame.
Iggy: Morton, you ARE crazy already!
Roy: Is it just me, or is it getting dark early?
Iggy: It is.
Roy: Do you mean it’s just me, or that it’s getting dark?
Iggy: Both.
Roy: I’m confused.
Morton: I am too.
Iggy: You actually said a short sentence!
Morton: Oh yes I just wanted to see if you would notice that. You see, lots of people wouldn’t notice that but you guys did why is that because I’m sure that we-
Roy: You’re related to us, Morton. You live with us. Of course we’d notice.
Morton: Oh, I see, view, notice, witness,
spy, spot that because of course you would know that like I know
you would because-
Dry Bones: RRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Iggy: Not another Dry Bones zombie.
Roy: Dry Bones are always zombies you
idiot! They’re all Koopa Troopas that have died but have some
unfulfilled purpose in life they never
got to finish! Haven’t you been paying attention in Science?
Morton: I’m amazed you pay attention
Roy because your grades are always really bad the exact opposite of
Ludwig’s I mean weren’t you held back
a grade because-
Roy: NO I WAS NOT!!!
Iggy: Um, you guys?
Roy and Morton: What?
Iggy: While you two are arguing, that Dry Bones zombie is getting closer and closer to us.
Roy hits the Dry Bones zombie.
Roy: See? Nothing to it!
The Dry Bones zombie comes back.
Roy: What the?
Iggy: You idiot! They always keep coming
back unless you use a cape to destroy them like Mario did in Super
Mario World!
Roy: DID YOU JUST CALL ME AN IDIOT?!
Roy mauls Iggy.
Morton: But what are we going to do
about that zombie that’s getting closer and closer to us every passing
second? Should we run? Hide? Fight?
I would kind of like ideas from you guys if you would stop fighting.
Iggy: This isn’t a fight because Roy’s too strong for me to fight back.
Roy: I’m actually feleing kind of tired
(hey, even extremely powerful guys like me need their sleep!) so
should we just go to *yawn* bed?
Iggy and Morton: Okay.
That night...
Another Hidden Figure: Heh heh heh. Those fools have no idea what’s coming next to them. I, the [CENSORED FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT], shall make them wish they never set foot... I mean claw in this house! Wahahahaha!!!
Day 6
Iggy: I hope no zombies show up today!
We only have two more days to go, counting this one. I’ve already
decided how I’m going to spend the
third of a million dollars. Let’s see... first I’ll sign up for some
self-defense courses, then buy that-
Roy comes in.
Roy: What’re you mumbling about now, Iggy?
Iggy: Nothing!
Morton: Actually I heard the whole thing
Iggy wanted to use the money to sign up for some self-defense
classes so he could stop you from attacking
him I mean not like that would help no amount of self-defense
could stop Roy okay maybe it could
stop him a little but not so much that you wouldn’t feel too much. Now
if I win that much money then I’ll
buy a what do you call it you know oh yes I think it’s called a megaphone
even though it’s not a phone wow I haven’t been able to talk this long
for quite a while you know because either someone attacks me or someone
puts tape on my mouth and then with the money left over I’ll go and buy
a video game which one should I choose I mean there’s always-
Iggy puts tape on Morton’s mouth, and Roy attacks him.
Luigi: Hey! What am I doing here?
Iggy: You must have accidently gone into a warp from Luigi’s Mansion and come here.
Luigi: That’s what I thought. I’ll go outside and see if someone can help me.
Luigi goes outside.
Outside...
The door opens.
Lord Seth: Oh yes! Another Koopaling comes out!
Luigi comes out.
Lord Seth: What are YOU doing here?
Luigi: Well I was fighting some ghosts but opened a door that said Do Not Open and here I am.
Lord Seth: Well, let me try this.
Lord Seth waves his hands and a portal opens.
Lord Seth: Hop in.
Luigi hops in and it closes.
Wendy, Lemmy, Larry, Susan, and Ludwig: What?! Why couldn’t you open a portal to Koopa Castle?
Lord Seth: Because that’s a No Portal zone. Do you want me to get arrested?
Everyone: Yes.
Lord Seth sighs.
Inside...
Iggy: I wonder where that portal is.
Roy: WHY?! If we leave we lose!
Iggy: I never said we should go through it! I just said that I wondered where it was! I can’t believe you haven’t attacked me yet!
Roy: Good point.
Roy attacks Iggy.
Iggy: Ow! Me and my big mouth.
Morton: Mmphat’s mmphe! (That’s me!)
A bunch of zombies and ghosts came and surround the three Koopalings.
Will the Koopalings escape? Will the
zombies and ghosts win? Is winning all the money actually worth
this escapade? What kind of a name
is Lord Seth? Will-
Lord Seth: HEY! Is that an insult?
Um, no.
Lord Seth: Good.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Will this story
ever end? Does it go on and on my friends? Some people started
writing it without knowing what it
was, and now they are still writing it together just because this is the
story that never ends! Yes it goes
on and on, my friends! Some people-
Everyone (and I mean everyone): SHUT UP!!!
Er, sorry. I just got a little carried away there. But the numero uno question is: Why are you even reading this?
Iggy: What are we going to do?
Roy: Whack them to pieces?
Roy pounds, smashes, pulverizes, demolishes, hits, kicks, splatters,massacares, annihilates, destroys, traumatizes, devastates, hurts,clonks, whacks, and bonks the zombies, then repeats the process.
Roy: Now for the ghosts!
Roy pounds, smashes, pulverizes, demolishes, hits, kicks, splatters,massacares, annihilates, destroys, traumatizes, devastates, hurts,clonks, whacks, and bonks the ghosts, then repeats the process.
Roy: For whatever’s left...
Roy pounds, smashes... oh, you know.
Iggy: Amazing, Roy! You might actually be good for something!
Roy: Is that a compliment or a criticism?
Iggy: Criticism.
Roy: Good.
Morton: He’s only saying that because he doesn’t want to get whacked by you you know because being whacked hurts so that’s why he says that which-
Roy starts whacking Morton.
Morton: Ow... let’s see, what’s another word for ow? Hmm... OW! Ow’s another word for ow!
Iggy: For once he’s not beating up me. Phew!
Morton: That’s great for you because
you’re not getting hurt but bad for me because I am getting hurt which
is annoying because I don’t think it’s nice for you to be all happy when
I’m not which is because Roy is
pounding me and I don’t think I can
be happy when he’s doing that although you can. OW!
Roy: I’ll say this nicely. Who wants to leave?
Iggy and Morton: Not me.
Morton: Because I don’t want to leave because I want thatmoney so I can buy that-
Roy: ONE OF YOU WILL LEAVE TODAY OR I SHALL CLONK AND BONK YOU BOTH ALL DAY LONG!!!
Iggy: When you put it that way... no, I still won’t leave.
Morton: I won’t either because like I was saying before I’d really like some money so I-
Roy: Fine.
Roy starts clonking and bonking Iggy and Morton.
Iggy: The things I do for money!
After a few hours...
Roy: This is boring. I’m going to bed.
Iggy and Morton would both agree, except that they were knocked out about an hour ago. When they wake up, they are face to face (to face) with zombies.
Morton: I’m really annoyed about this I mean what’s with all these zombies I mean let’s RUN!!! If we run they might not be able to get us because we’ll be out of their reach.
Iggy: It might be easier to just tell them your speech about speeches, you know.
Iggy and Morton run upstairs to their temporary bedrooms and lock the doors.
Day 7
Iggy: Finally... only one more day! Then I’ll get all of that money. This madness will finally be over.
Suddenly the zombies show up again. You think they would have learned their lesson after Roy massacared them, but then again, their brains rotted away quite a long time ago (several hundred years, to be exact).
Iggy: AAAAAHHHH!!! I give up! I’m leaving! None of this is worth getting even $333,333.33! Not even the million dollars is worth all of this!
Iggy runs out.
IGGY IS DISQUALIFIED
Iggy: Oh, shut up.
Don’t tell me to shut up! Do you want me to shut you up? I’m the writer, and therefore I have almost complete control over the story, including you!
Iggy: Okay, I’ll stop.
Good.
Outside...
Iggy runs out.
Lord Seth: Why’d you leave?
Iggy: Because of the ghosts and zombies.
Lord Seth: Finally someone leaves because of ghosts, zombies, or whatever you choose to call them. This’ll boost our ratings.
Iggy: It’s better to live than get a million dollars. If you’re dead, where the heck are you suppposed to spend it?
Lord Seth: That’s a good question! Remind me to answer it sometime later.
Susan: I’m reminding you right now.
Lord Seth: Huh?
Larry: Technically it is later...
Lord Seth: I mean in a week or two!
Ludwig: Oh.
Lord Seth: Finally, it’s almost all over. I am getting paid a lot of money for this job. (privately to the camera) Actually, the grand sum is over a million dollars. That’s so funny, I’m automatically getting more money than the rest of them, even if only one person wins this darn contest!
Back inside...
Morton: Oh yeah now I’ll get half a million dollars that’s a lot I can’t wait because I want all that money this is even easier than Survivor drat I just realized I won’t get all that money stupid taxes I mean honestly-
CLONK! BONK! CONK!
Roy clonks, bonks, and conks Morton.
Morton: Well after the clonk, bonk,
and conk I think the reader figured that out. I mean, seriously, of course
they’re going to know someone is clonking, bonking, and conking someone
else. Now who could it be? Only
Roy and Morton are here, and only Roy’s
strong enough to conk someone. Does anyone see my logic here? Wait, I don’t
have to pay the taxes because King Dad’s the leader and therefore I don’t
have to because he
takes the taxes and hopefully he’ll
be nice and not make me pay them if I could only be quiet for a while and
butter him up. Hey! The zombies are still here.
Roy: I forgot about them. I wanna beat ‘em up.
Roy beats up the zombies.
Zombies: Ow.
Meanwhile, in a hidden room...
A Hidden Figure: Curses! I must seek another way to drive them out.
You know, they’ll be leaving at the end of today, so why do you honestly really actually care?
A Hidden Figure: I want them out!
Well, sorry if I intruded upon your private sanctum or whatever you call the room that you’re inside.
A Hidden Figure: Where was I? Oh, yes. I shall confront them myself! They shall finally witness my true power!
Sorry, you can’t do that!
A Hidden Figure: Grr... what should I do? Oh, I’ll just set the Super Koopas loose!
The Super Koopas are weak, ineffective bad guys that will only give you feathers, you know.
A Hidden Figure: Not that kind of Super Koopa, you idiot! I summon the... Super Koopas of Lemmy’s Land!
Smash, Sandslash, The Mario Surfer, Blackbelt, Crazy Packers Fan, Golden Road, Rachelle, Mewd, Dave Phaneuf, Ludwig 222, Lardlad, K-Dude, Wario, Jon, Rainbow Koopa, Specter, Lakitu 2000, Hip, Matthew, Lil Cheep Cheep, Jazzman von Koopa, Toddy Koopa, Aleth, Latisha Banks, Axem Leader, Mary Beyer, John, Misty Koopa, The Three Stooges, Wendy O. Koopa, Twinrova, Lord Seth, King Bowser, Pikachu, Alex, Vicious Grrl, Koopa T. Quick, Winx, Black, Yoshi, Dinogirl, Yoshiki, Husky/Washu, Starwind Koopa, Elana, Karma Koopa, Larry Koopa, Kooky, Missy, Foshi, Sanchez, Leo, Cammi, Celestial, Biribiri X, and Metroid 713 come in out of nowhere.
A Hidden Figure: Attack the Koopalings!!!
All the Super Koopas: Why?
Crazy Packers Fan: You made me miss the ending of the Packers game for this?!
Blackbelt: And you interrupted me when I was just about to destroy Mario once and for all?!
Rachelle: You stopped me from finishing the next part of Survivor II: The Forever Forest?!
Lord Seth: And most importantly, you dragged me all the way in here when I was outside playing Luigi’s Mansion?!
All of the Super Koopas are extremely angry at A Hidden Figure for something or other.
A Hidden Figure: Uh oh...
Smash, Sandslash, The Mario Surfer, Blackbelt, Crazy Packers Fan, Golden Road, Rachelle, Mewd, Dave Phaneuf, Ludwig 222, Lardlad, K-Dude, Wario, Jon, Rainbow Koopa, Specter, Lakitu 2000, Hip, Matthew, Lil Cheep Cheep, Jazzman von Koopa, Toddy Koopa, Aleth, Latisha Banks, Axem Leader, Mary Beyer, John, Misty Koopa, The Three Stooges, Wendy O. Koopa, Twinrova, Lord Seth, King Bowser, Pikachu, Alex, Vicious Grrl, Koopa T. Quick, Winx, Black, Yoshi, Dinogirl, Yoshiki, Husky/Washu, Starwind Koopa, Elana, Karma Koopa, Larry Koopa, Kooky, Missy, Foshi, Sanchez, Leo, Cammi, Celestial, Biribiri X, and Metroid 713 pummel The Hidden Figure into oblivion.
A Hidden Figure: Please, please, please remind me to think a little harder before I do anything.
Smash: This isn’t a reminder enough?
All the Super Koopas pummel The Hidden Figure for a few more hours, then decide they’re bored and leave.
Back to where our contestants are...
Morton: Now that the zombies are gone how about we watch television or play a game or something because I’m bored I mean aren’t you?
Roy: Yeah, I’m bored. How about we play Lock Morton In The Basement For A While And Then Make Everyone Forget About Him And Win All The Money?
Morton: Oh great that sounds fun I want to try it I mean Lock Morton In The Basement For A While And Then Make Everyone Forget About Him And Win All The Money that sounds great and... HEY! Wait a minute!
Roy tries to lock Morton in the basement, but Morton grabs Roy and they both fall down the steps.
Roy: Great. Now we’re both locked in the basement. If you were the only one locked down here, I could have let you out. But now NEITHER OF US CAN!
Morton: Hmm... there must be another way out of here what do you think I think there has to be at least one additional way out of this basement or else this would be boring.
Roy: For once I think you’re right Morton.
Roy and Morton look around for an exit. It’s a bit hard to, though, because it’s pitch black and neither has a flashlight.
Pitcher: Hello everyone! Watch me throw this blackball!
NOT THAT KIND OF PITCH BLACK YOU MORON!
Pitcher: Sorry, my mistake.
Roy: ...
Note that for a limited time only, Morton will actually use smaller sentences, because otherwise this story would get pretty boring pretty quick. This will cost you $1 for the first minute, and $2 for each additional minute.
Morton: There’s a door!
Roy: There?
Morton: No, there!
Roy: Oh, there!
Roy walks towards the door and tries to open it, only to find out that it was a closet. Lots of things topple down on top of him.
Roy: MORTON!!!
Morton: Uh oh. Stupid narrator, limiting my verbal abilities... I can’t talk as much as I want to!
Roy manages to get out from under all the stuff on top of him. Note I say stuff because we’re not sure what it is because it’s so dark.
Monster: Groooooaaaaaa!!!
Roy: Some stupid monster...
The monster tries to whack Roy, but Roy is too fast for him because Roy is strong although the monster is strong Roy is stronger and hey! That’s where all of Morton’s talkativeness went. Must drive it out! Must get rid of it!
Morton: Oh, shut up.
Roy: Do you know how often you hear that each day Morton?
Morton: No.
Roy: Whatever. Let’s see... that’s a ghost!
Morton: Uh oh.
Roy: Just look at the ghost. As long as you don’t look in the opposite direction it won’t come and follow you.
Morton: How’d you know that?
Roy: I noticed Mario doing it all the time.
Morton: Mario actually helped us!
Roy: Yeah, but having to stay here so
long kind of annoys me. I wish I had that stupid thing that Luigi
used in Luigi’s Mansion, you know that vacuum? That way I could suck up
the ghosts and... hey! Now Morton’s
talkativeness got to me!
Oops, sorry. When I cast it out it must have accidently hit you by mistake. I’d like to say I’m sorry; but I’m not.
Roy manages to expel Morton’s talkativeness. Unfortunately, it goes straight back into Morton, who promptly starts talking again. Oh, well. At least things are normal again.
Roy: This is normal? If this is normal, I’d hate to see abnormal! Wait... or is that paranormal Or was it supernatural? Oh... I hate all these big words!
Morton: There’s got to be some way to get out of here. Let’s see...can you pound, smash, bash down the door so we can escape, leave, exit the basement?
Roy: I can try.
Roy pounds, smashes, and bashes down the door. He and Morton go upstairs.
Morton: Oh man I mean I thought we would be locked down there for dramatic effect but were we no we weren’t I mean honestly you brok it down so quickly I mean I’m happy about that but what about the reader?
Roy: Thanks for the compliment, I hope the reader think’s it funny, and SHUT UP MORTON!!!
Roy tapes Morton’s mouth shut and proceeds to watch The Simpsons.
Homer (on the TV): D’oh!
Roy: Man, it’s boring only being with one person.
Morton: Mmmph mmph!
Roy: Oh, shut up.
The rest of the day proceeds without
incident, unless you count hundreds of ghosts and zombies showing up, Roy
whacking Morton, and Morton actually giving the first three sentences of
his Speech about
Speeches. His exact words were:
Morton: Speeches only began when people
could talk and even then it wasn’t speeches because there were only grunts
and moans and gestures and that’s no way you can have a speech a speech
means talking and
that’s certainly not talking do you
think that’s talking? No, that’s not talking because they’re not saying
words now where was I oh yes so then when people could talk enough that
is they knew or invented or created enough words to converse properly with
some person created something called speeches which are long, drawn out
things like what I’m doing now. There were some famous speeches, like when
that one what was
his name oh I forgot but he said “Friends,
Romans, Countryman, lend me your ears” and then he did a speech now he
didn’t really mean lend me your ears he meant listen to me which is what
no one does for me which I hate I mean honestly why can’t I talk as much
as he did and anyway after that famous line he gave a speech. However,
I’m getting ahead, I need to explain-
Those were his three "sentences". They are certainly run-on sentences, but they are technically sentences, you know.
Roy: SHUT UP!!!
Roy starts bonking and clonking Morton again.
Morton: Ow! I can’t understand why everyone is mad at me I mean I can’t talk that much do I? I wish that I wasn’t so neglected when I was younger because then-
Roy starts bonking and clonking Morton even faster, and also begins conking him, causing intense pain. He finally stops when a sports game comes on the television.
Roy: Finally, something that’s actually worth watching!
Finally, the day ends.
Roy: Oh boy the day ended! Now I can finally leave this stupid place and get that half a million dollars I wanted. Yes!
Morton: Of course I get half a million
dollars also that’s cool I know you get some in addition but I’m just happy
that I got some too because now I can spend it on lots of megaphones so
I can talk to more people at
once although I don’t think that they’d
be too happy about that because-
Roy slaps tape on Morton’s mouth. Remember people, whenever you’re with Morton, always carry tape, preferably the kind from Tapes ‘R’ Us.
Roy and Morton go outside, after Roy conks, bonks, and clonks Morton a few more times just for good measure. Everyone else is waiting for them (because now they can finally go home!).
ROY AND MORTON WIN!!!!
Lord Seth: Congratulations! You two have won this gameshow! Well, it’s not really a gameshow, but I think it’s close enough. You receive $500,000 each. What do you plan to do with that money?
Roy: Buy more weight-training materials.
Morton: Buy loudspeakers so more people can hear me and also so I can shout without straining my voice because straining my voice really hurts I mean do you want to yell for a long time of course you don’t!
Lord Seth (talking to the camera): And, by the way, the fact that I’m using my Koopaling votes for Morton and Roy is completely coincidential to the fact they won. The story you have just witnessed is completely true. Because of its graphic and terrifying nature, parental guidance is suggested... which is something I probably should have warned you about earlier, sorry.
Everyone starts to go home. Morton, however, is pulled back inside the house by a strange force.
Morton: AAAAHHHH!!! Hheeeeeelllllppppp!!! I require assistance because I am being dragged back into the Haunted House, which I do not wish to do, because it’s scary and there are zombies and ghosts and I don’t think that-
Morton is cut off as the door slams when he is fully inside the house.
A Hidden Figure: Hahahaha!!! Hahahaha!!! Ow! I forgot that laughing severely increases my internal bleeding. But still... hahahahaha!!! OW!
Excuse me. You kept trying to get the Koopalings out. Why are you dragging Morton back in?
A Hidden Figure: Er... um... ah... SHUT UP!!!
I will not shut up! I refuse to keep my mouth shut. The lies are out there! And therefore, I refuse to... oh, nevermind.
Weird Advertisement Guy: Tune in next time at this time, this station, for the new television series The Y-Files, starring some people you’ve never heard of in your entire life!
A few minutes later, all the people realize Morton’s missing and backtrack. You'd think they would have noticed earlier because of the silence. Anyway, they all try to open the Haunted House, but it’s locked. Actually, it’s been sealed, but locked sounds better.
Lord Seth: I’ve seen cases like this. It’s called... um, well, forget what it’s called! Whatever it’s called, you probably won’t be able to open it (and get whoever’s inside it) for a month or two, average, unless you somehow manage to get someone super-strong to open the door. Of course, at this time of the year, that’s really, really, hard, so he might be trapped in there for quite a long time.
Roy: Does this mean I get the entire million dollars?
Lord Seth: No.
The End
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