Round 6 (Top Two)
Crazy Packers Fan: This is it, the final
battle of Mario Madness! We’ve seen 62 other competitors all get knocked
out trying to win Mario Madness, and only these two have survived to the
final! This final
match-up is... SMW Minions Champion
Chargin’ Chuck vs SMB3 Minions Champion Fiery! This will be a seven-part
match. We all know that the first six games are pretty pointless, as the
two will be tied 3-3 after them due to the fact that it must always happen
to give the match excitement and suspense, but we have to play them out
nevertheless. We’re here at Wario Stadium, in case you didn’t know. Here
for the analysis are Roy and Larry!
Roy: In this battle, there is no possible
way I can overlook Fiery’s skills, and how he has got here,
making his way past some of the best.
Plus, he’s matched up against an overrated opponent who only got here by
extreme luck and a little bit of paying off some officials here to give
him the victory, who, with fair refereeing, would have not gotten the win,
and furthermore-
Larry: Chargin’ Chuck will win!
Crazy Packers Fan: One of our favorite, most innocent characters is also here, Mr. Game & Watch!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep!
Roy: I don’t like your attitude today!
Crazy Packers Fan: I don’t know why Mr. Game & Watch is here, maybe just to give comic relief, or perhaps decide the winner in case it’s a judgment battle and Roy and Larry are against each other. In any case, I think we may be ready for the battle, but probably we aren’t.
Larry: Huh?
Roy: Why not?
Crazy Packers Fan: Maybe because the competitors haven’t arrived yet.
All of a sudden, two turtles, already tackling one another, plop out of a warp pipe.
Crazy Packers Fan: Now we’re ready! If I was in a thinking mood, I would give the seven different games certain significance, but since I’m not in that kind of mood, they’ll just be randomly picked games I came up with because I had used up all my other ideas for games.
Larry: This sounds good already.
Crazy Packers Fan: The first match has to do with Mario Golf!
Fiery: Rats!
Chargin’ Chuck: I guess that’s a sport... and I’m good at sports... but golf?
Crazy Packers Fan: Take your club first.
Fiery and Chargin’ Chuck each take a club.
Crazy Packers Fan: Now, whack as many Goombas as you can in thirty seconds!
Fiery: That’s golfing?
Crazy Packers Fan: Go!
Chargin’ Chuck: Where are the Goombas?
Crazy Packers Fan: Oops, I forgot them. Well, just whack anyone else you want!
Roy: That wasn’t a smart idea...
WHACK!!!
Roy: I’ll get you back for that, Chuck!
Chargin’ Chuck: It’s Chargin’ Chuck, not Chuck!
Roy: How many name-sensitive people are there?
Fiery: I don’t like this already, but here goes...
Whump.
Fiery: That should make a louder sound than that!
Larry: You hit Mr. Game & Watch! Since he was standing perpendicular to your club, it didn’t hit him much!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep.
Fiery: I’ll keep on trying, then!
Fiery runs toward Crazy Packers Fan.
Crazy Packers Fan: Uh oh, uh, time’s up!
Fiery: Aw...
Larry: No, it’s not!
Roy: Don’t say that-
WHACK!!!
Roy: -you moron! Ouch, by the way.
Fiery: So I can still whack someone?
Crazy Packers Fan: Who do you want to whack?
Fiery: You!
Crazy Packers Fan: No, I think time’s up by now!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep, beep!
Crazy Packers Fan: What did he say?
Larry: Two seconds to go!
WHACK!!!
Crazy Packers Fan: I ought to throw you out of Mario Madness just for that, Fiery!
Fiery: I didn’t hit you!
Crazy Packers Fan: Then I’ll throw Chargin’ Chuck out!
Chargin’ Chuck: I didn’t do it either!
Crazy Packers Fan: That wasn’t a funny joke, Roy!
Roy: How did you know I did it?
Crazy Packers Fan: How come you’re the only one who has a golf club in your hands?
Roy: Fiery gave it to me!
Crazy Packers Fan: How come Fiery’s still holding his club, and Chargin’ Chuck seems to be lying on the ground, with a black eye and without his golf club?
Roy: Uh... coincidence?
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep! Beep!
Larry: Time’s up, now!
Crazy Packers Fan: I know. Anyway, let’s count up. Two hits for Chargin’ Chuck, one for Fiery, and a big MINUS ONE FOR ROY!!!
Roy: Okay, okay!
Crazy Packers Fan: Chargin’ Chuck wins Game One, giving him a 1-0 lead!
Chargin’ Chuck: Oh boy! Now I’ll lose three out of the next five games!
Crazy Packers Fan: Quiet! We need some drama! After swiftly taking a highly-disputed and much-anticipated Game One, Chargin’ Chuck is now up one game to zero! It is now time for Game Two, which will be reminiscent of another Nintendo 64 favorite...
Fiery: Or least favorite.
Crazy Packers Fan: Come on, everyone likes Mario Kart 64!
Chargin’ Chuck: Maybe everyone YOU know.
Crazy Packers Fan: What is it, everyone’s in a grumpy mood today? This is the biggest sporting event since... since... well, since last week, I guess.
Fiery: Come on, get going!
Crazy Packers Fan: Oh yes. First, you
go steal go-karts off the Mario Brothers. Then, the first one
back here wins!
Chargin’ Chuck: Do we walk or run back?
Crazy Packers Fan: You drive back on the go-kart you steal, you nincompoop!
Roy: That’s high-class vocabulary there! Wow!
Larry: Is it over yet?
Chargin’ Chuck: I’m getting tired of this.
Fiery: Me too. Can we just call it a tie?
Chargin’ Chuck: No! I’m winning!
Crazy Packers Fan: Then play it out! Ready, set, go!
Chargin’ Chuck and Fiery both run together,
then start to jog, then walk, then crawl, then take taxis.
Finally, they find Mario and Luigi
tuning up their go-karts.
Chargin’ Chuck: By order of Crazy Packers Fan, we must take your go-karts.
Luigi: I-a don’t-a think that’s-a what he-a said!
Fiery: Cut out the accent and give me your kart.
Luigi: Green-a doesn’t go with you-a, it goes-a with that-a stupid-looking-a turtle. He-a gets my kart-a.
Fiery: I’ll take Mario’s then.
Mario shakes his head, like he can only
do in his role-playing adventures. Whether he shook it yes or
no, no one can see, because the camera
is at a bad angle. Meanwhile, each turtle grabs a go-kart and starts to
race home.
Chargin’ Chuck: That was some hard work. Those two artificially intelligent guys wouldn’t hand them over to us. What should I say now? How about... I’m going to win!
Fiery: You can’t win!
Chargin’ Chuck: Oh, but I will!
Fiery: I don’t even know why we’re saying this. After all, it doesn’t matter until Game Seven!
Chargin’ Chuck: Very true, of course.
Fiery takes the lead, as you may have
expected. Chargin’ Chuck falls behind, but tries to come back. I
guess anyone would try to come back,
so there’s no reason for me saying that. Anyway, Fiery has a slight edge
coming to the finish line...
Crazy Packers Fan: Fiery wins!
Roy: What a surprise.
Larry: Any more drama, this will turn into Survivor!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep beep.
Crazy Packers Fan: What now, little black flat man?
Roy: He says that Larry’s joke doesn’t make sense. I agree!
Crazy Packers Fan: Who cares? We’re tied up at 1-1! Now, time for Game Three! It’s related to Mario Tennis!
Fiery: Not another sport!
Crazy Packers Fan: Both of you take turns whacking these tennis balls at each other. Whoever gets hit three times loses.
Fiery: What happens to the other one?
Crazy Packers Fan: They win!
Chargin’ Chuck: It’s not “they”, it’s “he”.
Fiery: But then it would be “he win”, so it has to be “he wins”...
Crazy Packers Fan: Shut up about my grammar! Just get it over with!
Fiery: Does that count as a “go”?
Crazy Packers Fan: GO!!!
Fiery picks up a tennis racquet, throws a tennis ball into the air, then badly misses it.
Chargin’ Chuck: Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha-
Fiery throws the tennis ball at Chargin’ Chuck, hitting him right between the eyes.
Chargin’ Chuck: I’ll get you for that one!
Soon enough, the air is filled with tennis balls being thrown by each turtle. Eventually, Roy gets hit with a tennis ball thrown by Chargin’ Chuck and joins in the melee. He tackles Chargin’ Chuck, turning the contest into a fiasco.
Crazy Packers Fan: The worst part is, none of these hits even count!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep?
Larry: He says, “Why not?”.
Crazy Packers Fan: Because they didn’t hit the balls with their racquets, that’s why, you nitwit!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep.
Larry: Hey, you hurt Mr. Game & Watch’s feelings!
Crazy Packers Fan: Do two-dimensional people have feelings?
Larry: I guess they do.
Crazy Packers Fan: Okay, I’m sorry, Mr. Game & Watch.
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep!
Larry: He wants you to make it up to him!
Crazy Packers Fan: I’ll let you help out in Game Seven. Here’s the job...
Crazy Packers Fan whispers some stuff to Mr. Game & Watch.
Mr. Game & Watch: BEEP! BEEP!
Larry: He’s happy.
Crazy Packers Fan: So am I! I can’t wait for that last battle. Okay guys, break it up!
Roy and Fiery have ganged, or gung, or whatever the past participle of gang is, up on Chargin’ Chuck. They are pelting him with soft tennis balls, thinking they are hurting him while they are all harmlessly bouncing off his shell.
Chargin’ Chuck: Bring it on!
Roy: I’ll go get my Sky Land army again!
Chargin’ Chuck: You call that an army? I call it a hockey team!
Roy: Army and hockey team are the same thing, you numbskull! I think you’re the Dr. of Stupidity!
Chargin’ Chuck: How long will it be until you hurt me?
Fiery: Will fireballs help?
Crazy Packers Fan: BREAK IT UP, YOU LOSERS!!!
Fiery: Okay! In one minute!
Crazy Packers Fan: NOW!!!
Fiery: What’s with him today? Come on, we’ll finish this job later.
Roy: Yeah, while he’s enjoying his SILVER TROPHY!!! You won’t win! You can’t beat Fiery!
Chargin’ Chuck: I beat you! I guess Fiery’s better than you, then!
Roy: Ouch.
Crazy Packers Fan: I’m going to have to disqualify some contestants here in a moment!
Chargin’ Chuck: We’re on our way!
Crazy Packers Fan: Could I just award the Mario Madness Cup to someone else?
Sandslash: How about me?
Crazy Packers Fan: Sandslash! How good to see you!
Sandslash: It won’t be too pleasant for you if you don’t keep up with your payments!
Crazy Packers Fan: Here’s your 10,000 coins!
Sandslash: Maybe you ought to let me win the thing, too!
Crazy Packers Fan: What thing?
Sandslash: The Mario Madness Cup, you moron!
Larry: Is this getting out of hand or what?
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep.
Larry: Don’t say that too loud! Crazy
Packers Fan doesn’t want everyone to know he’s just stalling to
make this story nice and looonnng.
Crazy Packers Fan: Since Fiery got some help he’s not allowed to have, he automatically loses Game Three, which goes to Chargin’ Chuck! Chargin’ Chuck’s up 2-1!
Chargin’ Chuck: Yippee! I think...
Crazy Packers Fan: Now, on to Game Four! This will be based on... uh, Luigi’s Mansion, maybe?
Fiery: Not that game!
Crazy Packers Fan: Relax. It’s only remotely related. Catch a Boo Ball from this machine here, then race over and put it in your pipe. Whoever gets in in his or her pipe first wins!
Fiery: What does that have to do with Luigi’s Mansion?
Crazy Packers Fan: Everything!
Chargin’ Chuck: Just ignore him and let’s keep going. Hit the button and shoot out the Boo Balls! Hey, what did you mean by his or HER? IS THAT AN INSULT?! IS THAT A-
Crazy Packers Fan: GO!
Mr. Game & Watch hits the button on his machine and two Boo Balls shoot out of it. Fiery catches one, and Chargin’ Chuck the other. Each race over to the same pipe.
Chargin’ Chuck: Hey, whose pipe is this?
Crazy Packers Fan: It’s yours, I think.
Chargin’ Chuck drops his ball in the pipe while Fiery races over to the other pipe.
Crazy Packers Fan: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s Fiery’s pipe.
Chargin’ Chuck reaches into the pipe for the ball but gets sucked into the pipe. Meanwhile, Fiery has to run over to the other pipe. He then tosses the ball in and wins Game Four!
Crazy Packers Fan: Fiery wins!
Chargin’ Chuck (from the stadium roof): Get me down from here!
Crazy Packers Fan: I’ll send Roy up!
Chargin’ Chuck: No, I can make it down myself!
Chargin’ Chuck comes crashing towards the ground.
Crazy Packers Fan: I hope he’s all right to play the next two or three games...
Fiery: Don’t worry about him! Let’s move on.
Crazy Packers Fan: Right. Although the last four games have been, well, I don’t know the best way to say it, uh-
Fiery: Retarded?
Crazy Packers Fan: Maybe. Anyway, now we’re going to kick it up another notch for these last three games. The fifth game is an all-out food fight.
Fiery: It sounds stupid as well.
Crazy Packers Fan: But it’s a different kind of food fight. Each of you will have twelve vegetables, and you’ll try to take out as many Sub-conians as you can on your trip through a Sub-con cave in a mine car. Whoever takes out more wins!
Chargin’ Chuck: At least that means I won’t have to walk...
Crazy Packers Fan: Jump in the warp pipe, and you’ll find everything you need in the mine car!
Fiery: THE mine car?
Crazy Packers Fan: Yeah, there’s enough for both of you in one mine car!
Chargin’ Chuck: I’m not letting him
take more than he’s allowed... Look out, Fiery, I’m trying to beat
some Fire Brother to a warp pipe...
and you’re the Fire Brother!
Both jump in the warp pipe.
Crazy Packers Fan: GO!!!
Roy: Do we get to watch them on the screen?
Crazy Packers Fan: Yes.
Larry: This is must-see TV!
Roy: Not in my expert opinion.
Larry: You’re an expert, now?
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep BEEP!!!
Larry: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Roy: Shut up, Mr. Game & Watch, that wasn’t funny!
Larry: Yeah, it was! Of course, it may have been indecent, but-
Crazy Packers Fan: I’ve heard enough. As for the race, let’s take a look at it.
Fiery and Chargin’ Chuck are wrestling each other.
Roy: Let’s go, Fiery!
Larry: Why are they doing that?
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep BEEP!
Larry: You’re right, they seemed to have spilled out the vegetables, so they’re trying to use each other to hit the Sub-conians!
Fiery: I’ve had it with you!
Chargin’ Chuck: We need some scoring, or we’ll look like morons!
Fiery: Hey, wait, here’s one last vegetable!
Fiery tosses it at a nearby Shy Guy.
Fiery: I win!
Chargin’ Chuck: Not if I toss you off the train...
Before Chargin’ Chuck can do anything,
the mine car goes flying into a warp pipe, warping the two
still-bickering turtles into Wario
Stadium.
Crazy Packers Fan: Fiery wins Game Five and is now up three games to two! On to Game Six, which should be a good one. This one is a race through a Super Mario Bros. 3 level, like we saw before! It’s World 8-2!
Chargin’ Chuck: Not that one!
Fiery: Oh no!
Crazy Packers Fan: Just jump into the warp pipe and go!
The two turtles jump into the pipe,
then come out in World 8-2. They start walking slowly through the
level, then Fiery steps into some quicksand.
Fiery: Help! Help!
Chargin’ Chuck: You actually think I’d give you a hand?
Fiery: I don’t want to die!
Chargin’ Chuck: You’ll probably come out near a warp pipe that brings you back to Wario Stadium, where you’ll see me win! So long!
Fiery slowly slips through the quicksand, then comes out in a room with two warp pipes.
Fiery: Two of ‘em? What if one of ‘em leads to death? Oh well, might as well just try one.
Fiery enters the pipe on the right, then finds himself in a room full of one hundred coins.
Fiery: I must have died and went to heaven! Woohoo!
Fiery falls through the coins, able to collect twenty-five as he goes down. Then he jumps up for five more.
Fiery: Hey, why is there a pipe here? Oh well, might as well just try it.
Fiery comes out in a pipe with two Venus Fire Traps firing fireballs at him, an Angry Sun trying to set on his head, and Chargin’ Chuck pushing him over.
Fiery: Uh oh... I don’t like where I
ended up. Why didn’t I just stay in that coin room? Now I’m stuck
here forever!
Chargin’ Chuck: Hey, out of kindness from me to you, you’d better run this way, the way I’m going!
Fiery: Why?
Chargin’ Chuck: This is where I ended
up by not following your path! Now I’ve got this Angry Sun
trying to set on my head!
Fiery: I took a shortcut! Boy, I thought I was living out a dream, and then a nightmare!
Fiery follows Chargin’ Chuck to the card, jumping across Jump Blocks over a pit and a Paratroopa while ducking and dodging the Angry Sun, but Chargin’ Chuck snags the card first.
Chargin’ Chuck: I win! I think...
Both turtles jump into a nearby warp pipe.
Crazy Packers Fan: Congratulations, Chargin’ Chuck, you’ve won Game Six, and as we expected, it’s now tied up 3-3! It’s finally time for the seventh and final game of Mario Madness, which will end this crazy tournament and finally decide who’s the real Mario Madness Champion!
Fiery: Why couldn’t we have done this in the first place?!
Crazy Packers Fan: We needed the added drama and I needed to fill up space. Now, it’s time for Game Seven, which will be a fight. Whoever knocks down the opponent wins! You’ll both be fighting the same opponent, who is-
A large, black shadow suddenly comes over Wario Stadium.
Crazy Packers Fan: A gigantic Mr. Game & Watch!!!
Mr. Game & Watch: BEEP!!!
Fiery: I quit.
Chargin’ Chuck: Then I win!
Crazy Packers Fan: No, no one can quit now. Get going with your fighting!
Fiery and Chargin’ Chuck both start throwing and tossing items at Mr. Game & Watch. Fiery even spits his own fireballs at him. They do no good, as the same Mr. Game & Watch we all know and love is too big to be beaten like that.
Roy: How did he get so big?
Crazy Packers Fan: I used a shrinking machine.
Larry: A shrinking machine?!
Crazy Packers Fan: Ludwig built it.
Roy and Larry: OH!!!
Chargin’ Chuck (overhearing the discussion): You’re only big by accident! You’re actually really small, for real!
Fiery: Yeah, I guess so!
Chargin’ Chuck: Why don’t you shrink back to normal size?
Mr. Game & Watch: BEEP!!!
Mr. Game & Watch uses Vermin (pounding with two hammers), flattening Chargin’ Chuck.
Fiery: Those hammers are too big for
me! I ought to- hey, wait a minute! I thought I was a fan favorite
here! I’m going to win! I have to!
I have to!
Chargin’ Chuck reinflates, then kicks a football at one of Mr. Game & Watch’s feet.
Chargin’ Chuck: I’ve had it with you! I’ve had it with this Mario Madness, too!
The ball makes Mr. Game & Watch slip as he was about to celebrate using his Alarm bell. He slips, trips, and falls.
Crazy Packers Fan: Chargin’ Chuck wins Game Seven, taking the match four games to three, and with it, a million coins, and moreover, Chargin’ Chuck is Mario Madness Champion!!!
The crowd erupts into cheer. Roy erupts too, but not exactly into cheer. Larry stares off into space, Mr. Game & Watch suddenly shrinks, Fiery shakes his head, and Crazy Packers Fan yawns.
Crazy Packers Fan: Ah, finally it's
all over. Here’s your silver trophy, Fiery, and a big 100,000 coins to
go with it.
Fiery: I guess second isn’t so bad.
Crazy Packers Fan: And now, here’s your one million coins, Chargin’ Chuck, and the Mario Madness Cup!
Chargin’ Chuck: YEAH!!!
Chargin’ Chuck holds up his golden trophy, getting a loud and crazy response from the crowd.
Roy: That’s it, Chargin’ Chuck, it’s over for you!
Chargin’ Chuck: Wow! Roy’s trying to kill me!
Roy shoots a Missile Bill out of a cannon,
right at Chargin’ Chuck. Unfortunately for Roy, the Missile
Bill is angry for being awakened out
of a sound sleep, so it turns around and goes back in its cannon to sleep
some more.
Roy: I’m getting you, Chuck, if it’s the last thing I do!
Chargin’ Chuck: You wouldn’t dare mess with me! After all, you’ll always have your “friends” turn on you!
Roy: WHAT?! Wait a minute, yeah, you’re right. But you won’t see me hugging you anytime soon, if ever!
Crazy Packers Fan: Those two are really good friends, Larry.
Larry: Yeah, sure, whatever, um, what did you say?
Crazy Packers Fan: Anyway, Chargin’ Chuck wins Mario Madness, for the record. I guess that’s all here for Mario Madness, which was really fun while it lasted. Until the next crazy, long-and-drawn-out contest, I’m Crazy Packers Fan, saying-
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep beep!!!
The End
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