The Mario Olympics

By e2car

Previously, on the Mario Olympics...

Koopa Troopa and Luigi were fighting over a dollar bill - or more importantly, the last spot in the final six. Whoever caught the dollar would join Bowser, Yoshi, Lemmy, Geno, and Kirby.

The winner was just about to be revealed when suddenly a conveniently placed cloud of dust obscured the duo, allowing for an exciting cliffhanger, and a much (un)needed break for the director, e2car.

We'll continue from right the minute where we were last time...


e2car: ...aaaaaaand CUT! Now you two sit around not knowing who won for just a minute, I have to go use the bathroom.

Luigi: But-a I have-a the dollar-a!

e2car: You can't tell that!

Luigi: I can-a feel it-a in my hand-a!

K.T.: *shrug* Well, it's true. I don't have it.

e2car: ... Don't believe everything you hear.

He stomps off. 15 minutes later...

K.T.: Sooooo.. .y'think he'll be back anytime soon?

Luigi: Probably-a.

An hour later...

Luigi: Hmm-a... Maybe-a he needs a plumber-a to fix-a his-a toilet... This-a is a job-a for... SUPER-A LUIGI! NUMBER-A ONE!

K.T.: ... How about not? I've had enough of being stomped for about five lifetimes.

Five lifetimes later...

Luigi: How-a bout now-a?

K.T.: NO!

Forever and a half later...

K.T.: You ever stop to think that perhaps something else sidetracked the host?

Luigi: SUPER-A LUIGI! ... I'm-a sorry, sitting around-a so long makes-a my brain-a turn-a into Mario-a.

e2car finally comes back.

e2car: Sorry guys, it was... uh... a big one?

Lakitu: Oh dear, not the potty humor again.

e2car: No, actually my toilet turned out to be a warp hole into another dimension.

K.T.: ... Point?

e2car: It took a while to get out.

K.T.: ... Like?

e2car: Well, to me it was about a month over there... so in Earth years that'd be... *calculator explodes* Oh dear.

K.T.: Hey, anyone else want to contemplate why the universe hasn't exploded and why we haven't been turned into dust yet?

e2car: Well, if you want to...

K.T.: NO! WAIT! On second thought, let's just call it a very long pause and get it over with.

e2car: Right-o.

e2car bends over and hits the start button, unpausing the game.

e2car: So who has the dollar?

Luigi: Luigi, Luigi. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. *holds up air* Uh-a... It was right-a here-a... five-a lifetimes ago-a.

Lakitu: I think I know what happened. Clearly the almighty dollar obeys real life physics and crumbled into subatomic particles as it should have. I can explain in overly complex terms if you want.

e2car: No, that's ok. But who's the winner then? And where's Koopa Troopa?

At the National Mushroom Bank…

K.T.: Hello, I'd like to withdraw a dollar from my account please.

Bank Person: Sir, do you have a National Mushroom Bank account?

K.T.: Oh... I hadn't thought of that. Well, hold on, I'll be back in a sec.

Koopa Troopa leaves. A minute later, he rolls through the door holding a toy gun.

K.T.: THIS IS A STICK-UP! Give me all your money... nah, actually... give me a dollar or I'll shoot-

The toy gun goes off, shooting silly string all over the place.

K.T.: ... Er... I'll silly string the lot of you. Then you'll be all tangled and stuff and most definitely bad things will happen to you! Unless you pay! Now!

There is silence in the bank, then laughter.

Bank Person: That is the most outrageously hilarious, funny, laughable, nonsensical stunt to steal a paltry, tiny, useless, nonworthy amount of monetary currency of singular denomination I have ever viewed with the two eyes on the front of my head which is located on my neck which is attached to my body standing on the solid 90 percent concrete mixture-

Lakitu: Oh dear, not the cliche Morton again.

e2car: Oh come on, it's funny.

Whichever Koopaling Is Morton's Stalker Now (or maybe a new one): Morton?

Lots of little hearts spring from WKIMSN(omano) for no apparent reason.

Morton: Bother. I've been discovered.

K.T.: Hey, what happened to the whole run-on sentence thing?

Morton: *gasp* Oh drat consarn it bother expletive, I've been found, discovered, sniffed out, here little green-shelled round turtle, take this green paper currency valuable to the note of exactly no more and no less than 100 cents, that is to be one dollar, and RUN!

Morton flees. Koopa Troopa takes the dollar and walks back to the studio-ish area where e2car, Lakitu, and Luigi are.

Lakitu: Hey, weren't the contestants all sucked inside the WarioWare game earlier?

e2car: Well... They got better.

Shouts of "Burn her!" are heard in the background. Meanwhile, a completely random mob passes by to explain the reference.

K.T.: Oh, and I got the dollar.

e2car: Well then, Koopa Troopa WINS! And he will advance to the group of the last six. I'm sorry, Luigi... Luigi? Oh, he's out on another Super Luigi (number-a one!) adventure to prove that he exists and can do something useful.

Lakitu: So what's he out to do then?

e2car: Save Mario, I heard.

Lakitu: Mario got captured?!

e2car: No, from himself.

Lakitu: ... Riiiight. Anyway, let's move on to round whatever it is now. Oh, it's still 3.

e2car: Nah, let's call it four.

Lakitu: Five is right out.

e2car: You know we're making a scary amount of references now.


e2car: It begins now. Finally! I know you've all been waiting patiently for this moment!

Bowser: Try "waiting very angrily and plotting many different ways to tear the host's brains out for this moment".

e2car: Well, at least someone's still waiting. In completely unrelated news, I didn't have any brains in the first place. Oh, where are the rest of the contestants?

Yoshi is sitting in a corner with three eggs behind him.

Yoshi: ... Yoshi still hungry.

He cracks the eggs open, releasing the other contestants, before eating them again.

Yoshi: Not help!

e2car: I think “oh dear” is quickly becoming my new catchphrase. Now, while we cart Lemmy, Geno, and Kirby off to a psychiatrist, let's explain our next competition.

Lakitu: Well, it's a Mario Kart race once again. Because, since the last update there's been approximately thirty-nine and a half new incarnations of Mario Kart released. We figure we should put some of them to use.

e2car: Incidentally, how is Mario Kart Wii playing so far?

Lakitu: It's great! I love how they included-

Nintendo security carts off Lakitu.

(Disclaimer: Mario Kart Wii doesn't exist. Yet.)

e2car: Well, that's one less person to pay. Anyway, this competition appears to be a Mario Kart race - the first four people to complete three laps on the newly built Mario Stadium course. The two people who finish fifth and last at the end will be eliminated.

Oh, and for those who are keeping track, all six of the contestants are back in perfect form at the starting line. Well, almost perfect.

Lemmy: So... uh... where's our karts?

e2car: Hmm... oh, that's right! I was supposed to have Lakitu build them. Well, I'm sure you guys can take care of that. Your problem now.

e2car tosses the karts at the contestants, shouts GO!, and walks offstage.

Lemmy, Bowser, Geno, and Koopa Troopa immediately open their kart boxes. Yoshi and Kirby eat theirs. With a flash of light, Kirby transforms into Go-Kart Kirby, and drives off onto the course. Yoshi spits out first the box, then the rest of the go-kart parts. They magically fall assembled into a perfectly functioning - but a little slimy - go-kart. He drives off in second place.

Lemmy: ... No kidding, huh?

K.T.: Keep working, keep working...

Ten minutes pass, and while Kirby and Yoshi fight for first place, the rest of the group is still working on their karts.

Lemmy: Ten minutes already? And still no sign of Kirby and Yoshi... this must be a long course.

Geno: ...

Lemmy: I've always wondered how you say "dot dot dot". And why am I always the only one talking?

Lemmy looks up, and sees Koopa Troopa and Geno speeding off into the distance.

Lemmy: Oh. Guess it's just you and me, King Dad.

Bowser grunts. Lemmy sighs.

About three minutes later... Koopa Troopa and Geno speed by to complete the first lap in the lead!

Lemmy: Huh, that's odd.

Lemmy and Bowser continue working for a little bit.

Lemmy: Well, aren't you going to tell us what happened to Kirby and Yoshi? And... uh... Geno too.

e2car: Oh, right. You never asked. You have to state the blatantly obvious BEFORE we do a flashback.


Yoshi and Kirby are zooming around Mario Stadium, dueling for the lead, when suddenly...


Yoshi's go-kart spontaneously falls to pieces.

Yoshi: Well, Yoshi mouth no do good craftwork then.

Go-Kart Kirby makes a happy-sounding "Fiya" and continues driving when one of the nails, which used to be attached to Yoshi's kart, flies out and smacks Kirby, damaging him. He loses the Go-Kart ability also, and suddenly Yoshi and Kirby are stuck walking.

Kirby: (sad-sounding) Fiyaaaaaa...

Yoshi: Yoshi go build new kart.

Yoshi sits down on the track and begins rebuilding his kart while Kirby continues running.


Lemmy: Well, I guess that makes more sense. What makes less sense is how I finished my kart during the flashback... but I guess I won't complain.

Kirby runs by and eats Lemmy's go-kart, turning back into Go-Kart Kirby.

Lemmy: No, I think I will then.

Lemmy jumps on his ball and gives pursuit.

Meanwhile... Bowser is still building... something. It's not a Go-Kart, that's for sure.

The positions so far...
1st: Geno (completed about 1.5 laps)
2nd: Koopa Troopa (same as Geno)
3rd: Kirby (1 lap on foot, I suppose)
4th: Yoshi (somewhere out on the track in the first lap)
5th: Lemmy (just getting started)
Last: Bowser (doing something exciting with his pieces... but hasn't begun yet)

Out on the course, Yoshi is still assembling his go-kart very slowly.

Yoshi: This take Yoshi too long... Yoshi eat again.

Yoshi eats his pieces again and spits them up in the air. Geno comes driving up out of nowhere. The parts end up landing on his head, sending him crashing into a conveniently placed lake.

Geno: Dot. Dot. Dot.

Yoshi: Hey, doll talk! And Yoshi all wet.

K.T.: And I'm winning!

Bowser: And I'm finished!

Bowser stands up to admire his creation from the go-kart parts... a missile launcher?

Bowser: Let's put it to work... by destroying my rivals!

Bowser presses a button and the launcher explodes, sending him flying high in the air. Back on the track, Geno drags himself out of the water just as Kirby passes by. A shadow envelops the track and the two stop and look up to see Bowser falling out of the sky.

Geno: Oh, since when did I become a running joke?

Kirby: CHEESE! ... FIYA!

Gratuitous squishifying of Kirby and Geno ensues.

Bowser: Ugggggh... I guess that's a success?

Yoshi: Oh, now what Yoshi do?

Yoshi, stuck with a pile of now completely water-soaked go-kart parts, sits contemplating for a while, until Koopa Troopa comes by on his third lap.

K.T.: How's it going? I have a ridiculously large lead since no harm's come to me, although I'm entirely sure I've just jinxed myself.

Yoshi: ... Yoshi need go-kart.

K.T.: Hey, how about we be partners? You take the kart and I'll ride along in my shell.

Yoshi: Yoshi think deal.

Koopa Troopa curls up into a shell, and Yoshi takes him and commands the wheel.

Absolutely nothing exciting at all happens for the next half hour or so, as Koopa Troopa and Yoshi finish easily, Lemmy rolls home in third, and the other three sit around being flat.

Kirby: Fiyaaaaaa.

Bowser: Hmm. Maybe I should do something about the race.

Geno: Dot x 3.

e2car: Y'know, since you three are never going to make it around the course two more times, how bout I just shorten the race a bit? The first person to break the finish tape 100 yards away makes it into the final four. Sound good?

All three characters magically spring up and stampede past the host with relatively renewed energy.

e2car: In other news, now I'M the one who's flat.

Kirby gets an idea.

Kirby: (Fiyaaaa!)

Y'know, that doesn't help in revealing the plot to the audience at all.

Kirby: (Fiyaaaaa.)

Anyways, Kirby eats up the opposing rivals, and spits them out in the opposite direction of the goal with much force. Kirby then begins whistling and strolls toward the goal.

However, as luck would have it, once again the plot goes horribly, horribly backwards, and Bowser and Geno sail around the entire world and end up right on the other side of the tape. To make things nice and neat, Kirby is knocked out by the resulting aftershock caused by Bowser hitting the ground, and is thus out of the running. Unfortunately, so are Bowser and Geno.

e2car: Well, this could take another century or so. Guess I can take another break from updating.

E2car puts on beach hat and sunglasses and walks off. However... the earthquake causes the poles holding the finish tape to lose balance, and they snap in half. The finish tape falls and breaks itself on top of Bowser's spiky back.

e2car: NOOOOOOOOOOO! I mean, uh, WHAT AN EXCITING FINISH! Bowser is the last one in the final four along with Yoshi, Lemmy, and Koopa Troopa! We'll see you in round, uh, 5 next time on the Mario Olympics, where we'll be one step closer to the 1,000,000 coins!

To Be Continued...
Read the Trimming!

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