The Five Castles
An Epic Tale of Magic and Deceit

By Crispy

Bowser: Previously, on The Five Castles: An Epic Tale of Magic and Deceit...

Flashback to executive suite.

Lemmy: I need you to head that other project again- what was it, "The Five Castles"?

Crispy: Yeah, but I thought you canceled it.

Lemmy: I thought I did, too, until I found out that King Dad loved the idea.

Flashback to Studio 7A.

Wart: I, former king of the Sub-Conians, hereby declare war on Lemmyís Land!

Lakitu: Me too!

Crispy slaps his forehead.

Flashback to executive suite.

Lemmy: I can barely make out shapes right now. Whoís in your party?

Lakitu: Why do you care?

Lemmy: I just want to know who Iím not going to fire after the impending battle is over.

Bowser: And now, our story continues...

Lemmy leaps at Wart. The room mysteriously goes dark, and when the lights return everyone is standing in rows on opposite sides of the room.

Wart: Whatís this?

Lakitu: Looks like a bad parody of Super Mario RPG to me.

Crispy: (typing furiously into laptop keyboard) Hey, Iím trying over here!

Lemmy: I have the highest speed, so I go first. Ball Toss!

Lemmy picks up a beach ball and throws it at Clinton. 23 appears above his head.

Clinton: Ouch! Hey, what are these numbers doing floating above my head?

Luigi: Thatís the damage you took. According to the screen, you have about 130 hit points left.

Clinton: Hit points?

Wart: My turn! Fiery Breath!

Wart breathes flames at Lemmy, who takes 58 damage.

Lemmy: Oh no... I hate fire...

Lakitu: Spiny Bomb!

Lakitu tosses an exploding Spiny Egg at Lemmy, but Lemmy dodges.

Lemmy: Ha! Missed me!

Lakitu: Grumble...

Luigi: Power Stomp!

Luigi leaps high into air, but breaks through the roof.

Lemmy: Hey! Thatís gonna cost you!

Clinton: Is it my turn yet?

Crispy: Yeah. Just do something to hurt Lemmy.

Clinton: Okay... uh... Run Away?

Lakitu: No, you idiot! You canít run away! Now we lost a turn!

Crispy: I canít have this ridiculosity go on for the rest of the story. Iím finishing it now. Super Ultra Ray Beam!

Crispy knocks out Wart, Lakitu, and Clinton.

Lemmy: Yay! I win!

Luigi bursts through the doorway.

Luigi: No you haven't! Iím still here!

Lemmy: I can change that. Freeze Gun!

Luigi is frozen solid. Lemmy is declared the winner. He gets 50 experience points and 20 coins.

Lemmy: Sweet! Now back to work with all of you. Youíve got another week to get an episode done.

Others: Grumble...

A week later, everyone is frantically leaping around Studio 7A. Well, at least Crispy is.

Crispy: Come on, guys! Youíve had the whole rest of the week off! Letís get busy!

Wart: I refuse to work for a traitor. You could have made us win, but NO! Youíve got to have money to buy food for your family! Youíve got to get a promotion to keep your kids in school! Pathetic...

Lakitu: Even so, what are we going to do? You have a script for us, right?

Crispy: Not really...

Lakitu: Then what have you been doing all week?!

Crispy: Trying to get you guys to work.

Lakitu: Jeez...

Luigi: Crispy, could we improv again like last week?

Crispy: No, because last time that happened you ended up stuck with another ten episodes. Iím as tired of this thing as you guys are.

Luigi: (meekly) But I like having my own show...

Wart: Fine then. Weíll use last weekís script. Itís not like we used it, anyway.

Crispy: Good idea! Itís the one where you all have to go to the Koopahari Desert. You know, the one where Lakitu opens with, "According to the map..."

Bowser: What will Lakitu say?

Crispy: ...

Lakitu: Yeah, I remember that one. Letís nix that opening line and just get into the story. Weíve already filmed a good page and a half already.

Crispy: Okay. Ready, action!

The actors scramble to their places.

Luigi: Letís go to the Desert Land castle. I hear thereís a mystic crystal inside which can help us gain access to Master Goombaís lair.

Wart: Why else do you think weíre busting our (censor beep)-

Crispy: Wart! No potty talk! Weíre still Y-7 rated!

Clinton: I have to go potty...

Crispy: Hold it in. Continue!

Wart: To get through this... "bloody" desert.

Lakitu: Are you sure that punctuation is enough to insinuate that Wart is trying desperately not to curse?

Crispy: Itís fine.

Lakitu: Good. The fortress is about ten miles away. I can see it in the distance.

Wart: *sigh* Off we go...

Bowser: And so, the heroes travel through the desert, avoiding the rays of the Angry Sun, the vicious embers of the Fire Brothers, and the stinging bites of problematic Piranhas! Well, except for Wart. He got bitten.

Wart: Ouch! If only I had bought some of that Piran-away...

Lakitu: Well, the castleís still a long way away.

Clinton: Hey guys! I finally figured it out!

Wart: What?

Clinton: I found this nifty harmonica back in one of those ? Blocks in Grass Land! I couldnít play it at first, but now it sounds pretty cool!

Luigi: Is that a... Warp Whistle?

Lakitu: A WARP WHISTLE?! You mean to tell me that we could skipp this whole pointless story and go right to the last world?!

Crispy: Well, not really. It only takes you to the end-of-world castle. You can skip ahead to Master Goombaís castle if you play it.

Wart: Wonderful. Now what do you have to play to get it to work?

Lakitu: I donít remember how it goes...

Luigi: But if we use it, we wonít gain as much experience in the early levels...

Wart: Shut up. I remember it now!

Wart plays the Warp Whistle tune from SMB3.

Wart: Hey! It isnít working!

Crispy: Of course not. I changed the tune to the SMB theme. That other one was old and tired.

Clinton: Ooh! I like that song. Let me play it!

Clinton plays the first few notes of the SMB theme. A giant whirlwind forms, carrying the party to the castle in Water Land.

Lakitu: Yay. We just shortened our season by seven or so episodes.

Crispy: Not really. I planned for this the whole time.

Wart: Why didnít you tell us? That wouldíve saved us a big headache!

Crispy: Because I donít like you. Now go on ahead and step into the castle.

Wart: Grumble...

>>Commercial Break<<

Crispy: Weíre clear.

Lakitu: Woot...

Clinton: Iím tired of this. The showís not getting good ratings! I couldíve hosted SNL a few days ago, but noooooooooo. "Iím not available," I have to say. And then that loser Al Gore gets the spot.

The PA system turns on in the studio.

Lemmy (over PA): You guys have 15 minutes before I have to have this weekís episode. If you donít have it... well, I hope you like Studio 7A. *chuckle*

Crispy: Weíre finishing it up right as we speak!

Lemmy: Sure, sure. Whatever you say. Lemmy out.

The PA system turns off.

Luigi: Letís get to work!

Wart: ... Are you sure I canít kill him off?

Crispy: No, heís the hero. You canít kill off the hero.

Toad: But you CAN kill off a "minor" character, I presume?!

All turn toward the studioís entrance.

Crispy: Toad! I thought you were... dead...

Toad: A bit mangled, maybe, but NOT dead! Iím back, and Iíve got a few friends this time!

Enter Narrator, Lawyer, and Sheriff.

Narrator: Remember me? I said I would return!

Sheriff: Crispy?

Crispy: Yes?

Sheriff: Youíre being sued by Toad and Narrator for failure to comply with the Civil Guidelines for Job Safety and Security. Youíre going to have to come with me. Court begins in five minutes.

Enter Stagehand.

Stagehand: Rolling in five seconds! Four... three... two... one... Weíre on!

Crispy: Uh...

Lakitu grabs a camera and fishing rod.

Lakitu: Weíre taking this show on the road!

Crispy: Okay...

All leave for court.

Announcer: Today, on Koopa Court... Toad and Narrator are suing Crispy for failure to follow the CGJSS. They are requesting damages in the amount of five million coins. Judge Spiny is presiding.

Bailiff: All rise!

Enter Judge Spiny.

Spiny: Be seated.

Lawyer: Your honor, the plaintiffs request damages in the amount of five million coins for Crispyís failure to abide by the CGJSS.

Crispy: Objection! What is the C...G...J... thingy?

Spiny: You WILL shut up, you spineless Mushroom imbecile! Iíll have NONE of your outbursts in this courtroom! Now, as you were saying?

Lawyer: Ahem. Yes, he not only fired a tenured voiceover from working on the highly successful "Five Castles"-

Crispy: Objection! Your honor, our show is probably the least viewed Fun Fiction in production.

Spiny: BAILIFF!!! Duct tape this manís mouth... IMMEDIATELY!!!

Bailiff duct tapes Crispyís mouth.

Lawyer: But he also caused my other client, Toad, to leap off a cliff and into a pipe infested with Piranha Plants! As you know, we have already sued the Piran-away company for their involvement with that incident, and we also now have evidence that Crispy is an involved party.

Spiny: Letís see this evidence.

Lawyer: Here is the videotape.

Bailiff pops in a videotape and turns on the television.

Toad: Yay! Until now I had only a few lines this episode! Itís like Crispy forgot about-

Crispy: Toad, I forgot. Lemmy also told me to nix you from the show. After the episode begins, fall off a cliff somewhere.

Toad: (grumble) %&*$ @*($) !_~*@!!!

Crispy: No obscenities, either. We got a Y-7 by the ratings board. Okay, everyone! Action!

Lawyer: And thatís not all! Here is actual footage of the incident!

Toad: Hey! Does that mean I can be in the story again?!

Others: No.

Toad: Aww...

Toad jumps off "prop" cliff and lands in "prop" Piranha Plant.

Others: Eww...

Musical flourish, commercial break.

Lawyer: As you can see, the evidence clearly implicates the defendant in this horrid incident.

Spiny: ENOUGH!!! Crispy, you are hereby found GUILTY of violating the CGJSS-

Crispy: But I thought this was a civil trial!

Spiny: That matters not! You still have to pay five million coins in compensatory damages and ten million in punitive damages, as well as a fine of 500 coins for removing that duct tape without my permission! Case dismissed!

Later, outside...

Reporter 1: How does it feel to be convicted of violating the CGJSS?

Crispy: I wasnít convicted...

Reporter 2: 15,000,500 coins! How will you pay for all of it?

Crispy: My companyís insurance policy will take care of it, thank goodness.

The TV flashes off.

Lemmy: Yep. Thereís another 15 mil down the drain. Thanks a LOT, Crispy!

Crispy: But you were the one who told me to get rid of Toad!

Lemmy: Ah, yes. I suppose I did. But we canít afford to have something like this happen again. Iím canceling "The Five Castles".

Crispy: Well, I guess thatís not as bad as it seems...

Lemmy: I mean, this episode wasnít even funny! Not even King Dad laughed at this one!

Cut to Bowser, on the floor, asleep, while the credits for "The Five Castles" roll.

Crispy: Adding insult to injury...

Lemmy: Well, at least I can take down that stigma of "Not Completed" from this Fun Fiction, as well as remove it from the Trimmings list. Why donít you work some more with that Dr. Spore character? Those lectures you wrote got good reviews!

Crispy: Hmm... Iíll try something like that...

Lemmy: Good.

Crispy leaves Lemmy's office to meet Wart, Lakitu, Clinton, and Luigi. Sad "goodbye" music plays.

Crispy: YAY! Weíre free!

Wart: Then why is that sad "goodbye" music playing?

Luigi: Because my hopes at my own show and adventure are dashed...

Lakitu: Stinks to be you, I guess. But I checked the viewer mail recently, and you did get a good response. Someone named... Daisy, I think?

Luigi: Daisy?!

Lakitu: Hereís the letter. It smells kinda... fruity.

Luigi reads the letter.

Luigi: Woot! Iím outta here! See ya!

Luigi bounds away.

Clinton: Iím leaving, too. Hopefully I can still get my show on NBC...

Clinton sneaks away.

Wart: This show stunk. Whereís my cash?

Crispy: Eh... The lawsuit somewhat choked our salaries... we didnít get any money.

Wart: AGH! You know what, Crispy? As soon as I get back my rightful throne, Iím SO going to get all of Sub-con on your-

Lakitu: Wart, watch it: weíre still Y-7 rated.

Wart: ... on your... tail.

Wart stomps away, cursing.

Lakitu: Another odd job done. You know, I cameo in so many games and shows and stuff, youíd think Iíd get paid better. Ah, well.

Lakitu flies away.

Crispy: Phew. I finally finished this story. Now, where can I find inspiration for my next project...

Crispy walks away.




Crispy rushes back.

Crispy: Ooops! Forgot to turn off the camera!


The End

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