Luigi Imposter
Bowser stood on the brink of insanity, getting ready to jump off his castle battlements after losing to Mario yet another time. He had attacked with a large Goomba force, but the stupid Goombas were led right into a Mushroom trap that Mario had set up. Bowser was especially mad because he had lost even though Luigi had been on vacation. “That was the final straw, Kamek,” Bowser said to his calm advisor. “I’m tired of losing.”
Kamek really hated to see his master like this, even though it was the fifth time it had happened that week. Kamek always came up with some kind of plan that eventually failed, and then the whole “I’m going to jump” thing ran its course again. This time Kamek was ready for the ordeal. He had come up with a plan that even he thought had a chance of beating Mario. “Sir, wait! I have a plan.”
Bowser stepped down. “A little later than usual, Kamek. I might have accidentally fallen off.” He wiped his head dry.
Kamek rolled his eyes. “This time I think it might work. You know how Luigi’s gone?”
Bowser nodded. “Yeah, so? We still can’t beat him.”
Kamek shook his head. “We can summon my Magikoopa friend, Changling. He can change into Luigi and destroy the Mushroom Kingdom Castle with the new super Bob-omb I’ve invented. It’s quite concealable.”
Bowser jumped up in excitement. “Excellent. Implement this plan immediately.”
***
Mario sat with Peach in the castle’s dining room hall. “I sure do miss Luigi. He always cooked so I wouldn’t have to come to the Mushroom Kingdom every morning,” he said as he twirled a strand of spaghetti on his fork.
Peach leaned across. “I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to be lonely. Besides, you like eating with me, don’t you?”
Mario looked up. “Sure I do. You’re a great cook. I just miss Luigi I guess.”
Before Peach could respond, the spitting image of Luigi came bursting through the door. “Mario, it’s-a me!”
The two brothers, if they were brothers, hugged warmly. “What are ya doing back so soon, brother? Was your Mushroom flight canceled?”
Changling waved away the question. “No, I just missed my dear old brother, er… Max.” Mario looked puzzled. “I… I mean Mario. I was just kidding you.”
Mario laughed, but Peach suspected something. She discussed it with Toad after the two plumbers went back to their house. “He didn’t act right. I think something’s up.”
Toad nodded. “Yeah. Luigi’s been looking forward to that vacation for weeks. And he paid a pretty penny for that flight.”
Peach nodded. “Keep an eye on him. I don’t want anything to happen at the Mushroom Banquet today.
***
Bowser watched Kamek’s crystal ball over his shoulder. “Are you sure he can handle the job?”
Kamek sighed. “Yes, sir. Please try to relax.”
Bowser sat on his throne, still nervous.
***
Changling tried to strike up a conversation with Mario. “So… uh… Mario, yeah. Um… has Bowser attacked any… heheh.”
Mario shook his head. “Nothing that I couldn’t take care of. Bowser’s basically a big coward.”
“How dare you… um… good job,” Changling corrected himself.
Mario nodded. “Well, I’m going out for a walk. You probably need some rest.” With that, Mario went out.
***
Toad reached Mario’s house an hour after talking with Peach. He stepped up to the door and walked in, knowing that Mario wouldn’t mind. “Helloooo.” He saw a Magikoopa preparing a Bob-omb. “I knew it. You tricked us, Changling. You vile…”
“That wasn’t very nice.” Changling put him under a sleeping spell and met Mario outside. They walked to the Mushroom Banquet together.
***
The Mushroom Banquet was in full swing. Peach stood up, wondering where Toad was. She was also keeping an eye on Mario and what seemed to be Luigi. “My dear friends…” She stopped when she saw Toad enter the room. “Wait a minute good people.” She stepped out in a hallway to talk with him.
“Luigi’s an imposter. It’s Changling.”
Peach nodded. “Don’t worry. I’ve got it under control.”
Inside, Peach continued. “I would like to honor Mario and Luigi.” They stepped up, acting surprised. “To Mario I will give this.” She handed him a Mid Mushroom. “To Changling…” Changling’s face went white. “I give this.” She whacked him over the head with a pan concealed in her pink dress. The Magikoopa changed back to his real form.
Mario said, “Well, I guess I’ll deliver this to Bowser.”
***
A Koopa Troopa crashed into Bowser’s throne room, surprising Kamek and Bowser. “Sir, guess what? Mario delivered Changling to us. He charged us for unpaid shipping too. I paid him. I didn’t want us to be in debt. Aren’t you proud of me?”
Bowser was furious. “You idiot.” The loud roar scared the Koopa away. “Kamek, I’m going to jump off the battlements. You know what to do.”
Kamek bowed his head. “Yes, sir. I do.”
Cross-Dressing Koopa
Bowser listened angrily to a briefing by one of his Koopa Troopas. “Eh… sir. It seems that even though we fought very bravely, we have lost. They recognized us as Koopas, and we didn’t get the ticket you wished for to the Mushroom Ball.”
Bowser leaned down to him. “You good-for-nothing idiot! All I wanted was a ticket. Those Mushroom people are prejudiced, that’s what it is.”
Kamek stepped forward. “May I make a suggestion, sire?”
Bowser rolled his eyes. “I have a feeling you’re going to do just that even if I say no.”
Kamek ignored him. “Maybe we could employ Changling’s help.”
Bowser’s turned around. “That goof. He’s worthless. He failed last time.”
Kamek brought up a finger. “Ah, but this time you’ll be on the mission. He’ll turn you into a lovely princess and-”
Bowser screamed, “What in the fungus?! I’m too brawny and handsome to be a princess. Even he couldn’t make me a dainty little princess.”
Kamek sighed and gave the nearby Changling a hand motion. In the blink of an eye, Bowser was turned into a duplicate of Peach, except for a velvety black dress and shiny black hair. Kamek gasped.
Bowser giggled with his new voice. “What an excellent job. I’m soooo pretty.” He twirled around. “And looky here. It’s velvet. Mario will be head-over-heels when he meets me. The unknowing fool will fall into my trap.” Bowser noticed the gasping Kamek. “You idiot. Stop staring. We’ve got to make it to the ball.”
The briefing guard stepped into the room again, laying his eyes on Bowser. He took his hand and kissed it. “And who is this? Might you go out with me?”
Bowser knocked him over the head, sending him flying through a wall. “Idiot. It’s me.” He spotted Kamek. “I’ll need a Mushroom slave. Changling, you know what to do.”
Kamek screamed, “No, sire. Please!”
***
Mario was still lonely since Luigi was gone. He sat in his pipe house, desperately wishing for someone to talk to. Then he heard people coming down the road.
Bowser turned to Kamek. “This dress is too tight. How does the princess stand this thing?” He spotted Kamek with his silly mushroom head. “Ha! Let me see that hat.” With a loud RIP!, it came off.
“OWWWWW! That wasn’t a hat.”
Bowser giggled. “Oops. Sorry. We’ll tape it back on.”
***
Mario gazed in wonder as a darker version of Peach and a Mushroom with tape around his bleeding head stepped in. “Well, I’m Princess… uh… Bowrina from far away. My slave and I have come to participate in your Mushroom Ball.” He threw his hand on his head. “Sadly, I haven’t a dancing partner.”
Mario smiled. “I’m sure Peach wouldn’t mind if I took you.” Mario took his hands.
“Watch where you’re putting those hands, you slimy little… OWW! I mean, how nice of you.” Kamek had kicked him in the knees.
Mario looked at the clock. “Well, let’s get going.”
Everyone was at the party. People from Moleville, Nimbus Land, and all over enjoyed the festivities. Kamek wasn’t enjoying himself though. A rather large female Mushroom scooped him up in her big arms. “Well, sweety, you’re gonna dance with me.”
Kamek squeaked as the larger Mushroom smothered him in kisses. “Help!”
Bowser was dancing with Mario. “My, you are an exquisite dancer. Ow! You clumsy oaf. That was my toe. I mean, heheh.”
Mario liked the weird princess, but he longed to dance with Peach, who was talking with some moles. Suddenly, the music turned into a faster song. Everybody started to rock.
Kamek’s partner swung him around her like a fan blade. “Please, somebody. Help!”
Bowser, during all the commotion, knew it was time to kill Mario. He brought out a knife. “Now, it’s over…”
Kamek’s partner accidentally let go and Kamek flew into Bowser, knocking them both out the second-story window and into a fire blazing below. Screams were heard as the strange pair dashed northward. Peach calmed everything down. “Not to worry. Everyone, continue dancing.” Mario and Peach danced the night away.
Back at the castle, Kamek and Bowser, now back to their true selves, treated their burns with water and aloe. “Eeew, I hate Mario.”
Suddenly, a Goomba rushed in. “Guess what? Changling changed me into a large female Mushroom and I won a first place ribbon. My partner ran away with some strange women. Aren’t you proud of me?”
The poor Goomba was chased through the
castle with a fire-breathing Bowser and a wand-zapping Kamek close behind
him.
Gourmet de Koopa
Kamek ducked out of the way as another flaming splatter of food landed where he had just been. Since Bowser had ordered a new cooking video off of the Internet, every day’s lesson had become increasingly dangerous. “Ah, pretty soon the entire castle will praise my gourmet cooking.”
Finally, Kamek missed a dodge. A food splatter, flaming hot, landed right on his hood. “Yeouch!” Kamek fell to the ground patting his head furiously with his hands. “Do you have to throw most of the ingredients at me, sir?”
Bowser turned to him while flinging food blindly. “Ya know, Kamek, you should have more respect for an artiste’ in the making.”
Kamek was overjoyed when the last installment of the lesson tapes ended. “Oh, this means you’re finished.”
Bowser swung around with the burning pan in his hand, belting poor Kamek. “Nope. Just means it’s time to serve my delicious delight.” He looked down at the twitching Kamek. “You idiot, get off the floor and ring the dinner bell.”
***
The dinner bell was ringing at the Mushroom Kingdom Castle too. It was the second Royal Banquet that year, the other one being a failure since Changling paid a visit. Peach stood up in front of the long dining room table, lavishly dressed with a magnificent teal tablecloth and colorful ornaments and silverware. All the Mushrooms of the good town and several visitors, including Mario the famous plumber, sat down at the well-set table. “Good people, enjoy this meal. Let it remind us of the unity of our cities.”
***
Bowser laid out the selected dishes before his starving troops. They hadn’t had anything to eat besides insects in the past week. Their tongues were literally hanging out. “Heh. Eat up.” Bowser watched with glee as the monsters ate up his dishes, ones that were carefully placed on his pink tablecloth. “Isn’t it beautiful, Kamek?”
Kamek was still rubbing his sore head. “Yes, sire.”
Bowser couldn’t believe his eyes when everyone suddenly spit out the food. “Yuck! I’d rather eat bugs.”
“Awful! Who made this crud?”
Bowser held back a tear as he roared, “You uncultured idiots. I made it. I’ll have you all beheaded. And then I’ll kill the lot of ya.”
The frightened eaters rushed out of the room.
Later, Bowser was further angered when he watched a recording of the Mushroom Banquet. He watched it through a series of cameras he had set up in the castle. Peach had found them, but she left them up just to humor Bowser. “Look, everybody loves her food. She’s even got a gorgeous teal tablecloth. It’s so pretty.”
“Yeah, if only we could use food for evil.”
Bowser threw back his hands, knocking Kamek down. “That’s it! We’ll have Mario and Peach over. My food, which we will poison, will be the main course. Mwahahaha!”
Kamek really didn’t think it had to be poisoned.
***
When Mario and Peach got the letter they suspected something was up. Nevertheless, they came for a few laughs. Once inside, they saw that the reptilian reject had set up quite a nice table. Shiny pink bows and a pretty dress completed Bowser’s ensemble. “Now, let’s eat.”
Bowser fluttered over to Mario. “Here, my special dish.” He wandered back to Kamek. “Watch this.”
Mario pushed it away. “Nah, I’m just thirsty. Do you want it?” He turned to a Goomba guard. The eager guard chomped down.
Bowser rushed over and threw the poor guard out a window before he showed signs of the poison. Bowser turned to Mario and giggled. “Heh, bad guard.”
Mario gulped as the Goomba’s scream diminished. “Yeah. I guess so.”
Bowser rushed over with four drinks on a silver tray. “Here.”
Mario smiled. “Ooooh. Watch this.” He spun the tray on his finger, causing Bowser to lose track of the poisoned ones.
“Give me that, you idiot.” Mario quietly sat down, taking a drink. Peach did the same.
Bowser and Kamek waited for them to drink. After nothing happened, Bowser ran over. “Switch drinks. You’ve got our favorite glasses.”
Bowser and Kamek giggled as they slowly sipped their poison drinks. The happy couple was the last thing Bowser saw before he and Kamek passed out.
The next morning, a Goomba walked in on the barely living pair. “It seems your dinner went great. Mario said he loved it. He especially liked the complimentary Antidote Pins I gave them. Aren’t you proud of me?”
Bowser and Kamek both yelled, “You idiot!”
Why Doth the Koopa Sing?
A searing bolt of lightning crackled through the sky and hit the tallest of towers on Koopa’s Keep. Then, as fast as the lightning, it retreated back up into the clouds it came from, frightened by a sound more hideous and terrifying then its own.
Bowser had just finished watching a series of videos that gave singing lessons, which he had bought after throwing the cooking lessons (see Gourmet de Koopa) in a fire, accidentally slinging in Kamek in with them. “Do Fa La So,” screeched Koopa.
Kamek reeled in the corner, his eyes nothing but spirals.
“Yes Kamek. I’ve finally found my talent. Look out the window. Tell me what yonder forest critters think of my heavenly voice.”
In the aftermath, Kamek looked out the window, seeing birds and squirrels, dead, littering the earthen floor. “You… you killed them,” muttered Kamek.
Bowser batted his eyelashes. “What? What do ye say?”
Kamek gulped. “Um… they're in heaven, sire.”
Bowser giggled (still reeling from Cross-Dressing Koopa). “Ah, yes. How it does please me to see my beautiful voice oh so loved. Do you wish to hear again? Good.”
Kamek shouted, “For fungi’s sake, NO!!!” But it was far too late.
Bowser peered over. “I will not disappoint my audience.” He started to sing into a microphone that was hooked up to several prodigious speakers.
Kamek screamed,“No!” The force of the blast shot poor Kamek out of the castle, the stone wall not bothering to stop him.
Upon hearing the noise, Bowser rushed over and looked down. There was Kamek with two blocks on him. Around him were the other blocks, obviously the cause of the death of the animals in Bowser’s head. “You idiot. Look what thy random feats of magic hath done to those there… I mean… yonder critters. Get up here and listen to me practice for my recital later.”
Kamek shook his hands. “Sir, we need those troops… I mean sure. Coming right up.”
***
Mario was still alone at his house awaiting Luigi’s return (Where is that freak anyway?) when Toad came up to his house. The average passerby would have accidentally mistaken the annoying little Mushroom for a bug and stepped on him, but after years of annoyance, Mario knew who he was. “What important, if not totally stupid, information do you bring me today?”
Toad stood with his tongue hanging out, drool dripping down his chin. “Duh, garsh. Where’d ya get that purty overall?”
Mario kindly patted the unfortunate creature on the head. “Toad, I’ve worn this everyday since you’ve known me.”
Suddenly, the real Toad walked up to Mario, not surprised to see him talking to Mushrooms again. “Mario, I’m over here.”
Mario jumped into the air, clapping his hands. “What are you doing here, Bubba?” Prepared for such an occasion, Toad belted Mario with a hammer. Mario shook his bleeding head. “Thanks, Toad. What is it?”
Toad shook his head. “It’s another one of Peach’s stupid, tax wasting banquets. I swear, this is the fifth one this week. That last one about the mental enjoyment of peaches was just stupid. Don’t you think so too?”
Mario quickly dumped the peach he was petting in his hands. “Uh… yeah. Let’s go.”
The two citizens walked towards Mushroom Kingdom, while Mario secretly missed the peach. Toad missed his too.
***
There Bowser stood, in front of the entire castle’s troops. “Now, ye underlings, feast your ears on this.” Kamek thought he could have made it to the door, but he wasn’t sure enough. He, instead, jumped out of the window. Unfortunately, the blast of Bowser’s singing caught Kamek in the behind and blew him through the two closest trees before carrying him some twenty meters away from the castle.
When he arrived back at the castle, he saw Bowser in a corner crying. “Half the troops are dead. The other half ran away with mortal wounds, and Peach is going to have another successful banquet.”
Kamek tried to console him. “Yes, but she has them all the time. In fact, she had five this week that were crazy.”
Bowser held up a peach in his hand. He then threw it away. “Yeah. I thought so too.”
Kamek brought up his finger.
“Kamek!”
Kamek brought up another finger. “Sorry, sir. Why don’t you sing at Peach’s banquet? You could ruin her fun and kill Mario.”
Bowser stood up, accidentally crushing Kamek beneath his weight. “Get out of there, Kamek. I’ve just had a wonderful idea.”
***
The 10000000000th annual/daily Mushroom banquet was about to take place. Peach, complete in her snazzy new biker outfit, accompanied Mario to the grandstand. “Citizens of Lemon Seed Valley-” Peach whacked Mario over the head. “Sorry, Mushroom Kingdom. Thank you for coming, especially after partying the night away last night. Our first singer is Bowseron. He says he is not related to Bowser even though he looks like him.”
Bowser bravely stepped on to the grandstand after saying to Kamek, “I got a new set of tapes so I wouldn’t be a total embarassment.”
Kamek patted him on the back, accidentally gouging his hand. “Yeah. Good for you.”
As soon as Bowser started singing, the air was filled with splendor. It was beautiful. Even Kamek thought so. “Lord Bowser, you’re supposed to sing badly.”
Bowser fought with Kamek, who was trying to take away his hidden synthesizer. In the struggle, they both fell into a huge pot of hot rock candy. The screams followed the pair all the way out of the castle.
That evening, a Goomba came in. “Bowser, did you like the synthesizer?”
Kamek yelled, “You idiot. I told you not to give that to him. He’s not smart enough to know what the real plan is.”
Bowser then yelled, “Both of you are idiots. Get over here.”
The Goomba shivered, “Uh oh. Boiling lava.”
Kamek said, “Fire breath?”
Bowser grinned. “Nope. You both have
to listen to me sing while eating my food. Bwahahahahahaha!”
Mustang Peachy
Kamek, growing tired of counting his numerous abrasions and wounds, destroyed the castle’s computer, hopefully eradicating any chances of Bowser ordering anything else. “There, that should do it.”
Bowser came bursting through the door, tears streaming down his face. “No! My beloved computer. It was my passage to fame.”
“Sire, it was for the best.”
“You thought I wouldn’t see through your devious plan. Well, the Goomba told me everything.”
Kamek secretly wondered why that trouble-making Goomba was still employed (note: reading other Mario Fan short stories might clear a few of your demented questions up). Kamek walked over and patted Bowser on the head, carefully dodging any spikes. “Now, sire, you mustn’t cry. Just look at the way your troops become misguided.
Bowser looked behind him, seeing two Koopas dancing wildly on a chandelier and two Goombas seeing how far they could throw themselves out the window. “So what? They always do that.”
Kamek shook his head. “No. Look over there.”
Bowser followed Kamek’s finger to a Goomba sewing chain-link balls on his pink dress. “What in the fungi? Stop that.”
“Sir, I thought you liked-”
“Thought. You thought.” Bowser threw the confused Goomba out of a window. “What misguided lunacy have I been going through to cause this horrendous damage to be done to my fancy laced dress? The flowers have been removed. We must buy more.”
“Sire, we are… short on funds… thanks to you buying tickets for Peach’s last two banquets.”
Bowser smiled. “Yes, well, we can buy a new computer and order lessons on money making.”
Kamek threw his hands in the air and danced madly. “For all that is good and just, no!”
Bowser calmed him down. “Ok, ok. We’ll just open up a car shop.”
“A car shop? I’m the only one that has any cars, and my priceless collection of hot rods is… off… limits… Sire, are you ok?”
“You know what I’m thinking. Troops, fetch Kamek’s hot rod collection, and if he resists, give him thirty lashes with a licorice stick. Bwahahahahaha!!!”
Kamek squealed, “No, sire. I hate licorice sticks!”
***
Peach was mad. She was throwing a tantrum. “I’m mad! The three-hundred banquets I’ve thrown have been nice, but I want more. How can I release all of this anger in one chaotic blast?”
Toad spoke in his annoying voice. “If I may suggest…”
Peach smiled. “I know.” She set him in front of a window and smashed him out of it with her metal pan. “Ahhh. The resounding clunk makes me feel much better.” She listened until the panicked screams stopped. “If only we could bottle it. But, alas, I still need more.”
Mario walked in. “Look. They are opening up a new automobile shop outside of Koopa’s rundown castle. It reads: 'Come on down to Bowser’s Ballistic Bargain Stand where the prices on hot rods are hot, hot, hot.' It also warns that slight burning may occur."
“Driving. Sounds fun.”
Toad brought his broken body up the steps to the throne room. “Princess, that requires lessons.”
She smashed him out of another window. “Not if you have a pan.”
Mario smiled. “Ahhh. The resounding clunk and those few simple words: 'Not if you have a pan.' You are so smart.”
***
While Kamek was being tortured with licorice sticks, Bowser anxiously looked down the road as Mario and Peach appeared. “Excellent. Our first customers. Remember, be spiffy, clean, and polite.” The fact that he was talking to a gasoline can didn’t help much.
When Mario and Peach arrived, they were greeted by Bowser, who had his hand in a puppet. He was speaking in a Toad voice. Mario held Peach’s hand from reaching her pan. “Hello there. Would you like to buy a car?”
Mario nodded and spoke slowly. “Yes, please. We will take the red one.”
That evening: “Now, Peach. You must first wear your safety belt. Ok, now start the car and gently push the gas peddle. Let’s hope your lessons have… HELPED!!!”
Mario was flung back against his seat as Peach slammed down the peddle. “This is so invigorating! Ahahahahahah! Burn rubber, burn!”
“Peach, the town is up ahead. Be careful of pedestrians.”
“Pedestrians! They should watch out. I’m gonna blast right through.”
Peach blew through the town, falling little Mushrooms left and right. “Ahahahaha! Can’t you feel the wind?” It was too late though. The sheer speed of the car broke Mario’s safety belt and sent him crashing into a building.
Toad was enjoying licorice sticks when he noticed Peach coming his way. “Mother of Pearl!” Peach bounced in her seat as the car jumped in the air. She heard the licorice slap against the hood of the car.
***
Back at Bowser’s castle, Kamek presented Bowser with a new computer. “There you go.”
“Good. I’ve now discovered eBay.”
Kamek held back a scream. At that time, Peach pulled up in her dented car. “Thanks, but I found a new love: the resounding smack of a licorice stick.”
Kamek screamed and no one knew why.
Casanova Koopa
The disco ball was spinning, the floor was flashing, the dancers were grooving, and the music was groovy in Koopa’s Kastle that Saturday morning. “Ew, ew, ew, ew, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive. You can tell by the way I walk I’m a… Kamek, join the party!” Bowser yelled across the room with his white jump suit on and platform shoes.
Kamek was in a pink dress. “Why do I have to wear this, sir? I don’t want to dance looking like a girl!”
Bowser put his hands on his hips and backhanded Kamek. “Hello! Anybody home? Think, Kamek, think. The Mushroom Kingdom Delightful Disco Dance is tonight, and I’m gonna’ shake my groove thing with Peach… so… I need you to dress like her so I’ll be prepared.”
Kamek stood up, but first straightened out his frilly dress. “Why don’t you two just tie the knot, huh? You’ve been courtin’ her since who knows when, and it’s time to think about the future.”
Bowser explained, “Well, my Peachy baby likes danger and daring, and it’s much more fun for her to lead Mario on. Besides, I like the deadly escapes from the glaring eyes of-”
“Whatever! It’s none of my business. Now, I don’t know how to dance, so- AGGH!” Bowser scooped Kamek up and started doing some disco groovin’ moves all over the dance floor.
***
Peach sat in her dressing room picking petals off a flower. “One, Bowser’s cool; two, Bowser rules; three, Bowser doesn’t drool.”
Mario walked in and saw her. “Uh… Princess? Um… I’ve blockaded all the doors with my super special action-packed custom patented moves of flashy cheesiness so only MK citizens can get in. Aren’t you proud of me?”
Peach immediately thought of Bowser not being able to get in. They wouldn’t get to dance at the disco. “You imbecile! I mean… thanks, Mario.”
“And I also hope you’ll be reservin’ a special dance for me tonight.”
She smiled through her teeth. “Yeah, sure.”
When he left, Toad came in. “Ma’am, I suppose you’ll be wantin’ me to undo the locks. Knock Mario over the head and put ’em in closet, huh?”
Peach nodded. “Plan Dump the Chump, you got it!”
Toad snuck out of the room and belted Mario over the head with a freshly caught mackeral. Dragging the obese body into a nearby closet was the work of a few more moments. He pitched the body into a closet and locked the door with a huge lock. “Dump the Chump is a success. Let in da Koopa!”
Bowser smiled as some Toad guards let him in. “It’s about time! Now, direct me to my one true love.”
“Darling slimeball, you’re looking absolutely deadly, ugly, and putrid. I love you!” Peach said, walking down the hall in a crimson dress.
Bowser smiled. “You too, snuggly bears. I trust Mario won’t get in our way this time, huh?”
Peach smiled and gave Toad a wink. “It’s all taken care of.”
***
Inside of the closet, Chef Torte woke up Mario. “Wake up, Mario! Zhis clozet iz getting stuffy! You need to get uz outta here!”
Mario slowly woke up and belted Chef Torte with a mackeral. “Take that you villain!”
“It iz I, Chef Torte! Not villain! I am everbody’z favorite chef. Don’t you recognize me!?”
Mario belted him over the head with a mackeral ten more times. “Die, Koopa, die! Oh, wait, that was Chef Torte… oh well. I have to save the princess. Toad musta had too much to drink or been hypnotized by Koopa Breath. Funny how that’s the fifth time this week.” Mario, with some cheesey special effects-
“Hello, I’m Bob from Cheesey Special FX Inc. I just wanted to tell all you readers what a pleasure it is for me to provide all your cheesey needs!”
Chef Torte comes up. “I like zhis cheeze! Go cheeze!”
“That’s right, Chefy. Now, we’ll-”
“Zat’s right, cheezemeister. You da big cheeze. No one’s as cheezy as you, Bob!”
Bob picks up a gun and pumps Chef Torte full of three rounds. “Now, back to your regularly scheduled program.”
Mario burst down the closet door with a mackeral. The fish disappeared. “Oh no, my mackeral energy is down! I’ll actually have to fight Bowser without it! I’ll need the help of…”
Ten minutes later...
Luigi was groaning all the way to the disco room. “I don’t see why you need me. I’m completely useless. You might as well just hurl me over something and watch me die. It’d be entertaining. Then again, don’t bother. I’ll just curl here in the fetal position and-"
Mario smacked Luigi over the head. “Shut up, bro! I hear something…”
“I hope Mario doesn’t disturb us. This is fun.”
“Don’t worry, Peachy. I’ll keep the fun going. Mario won’t bother us.”
“Yippe!”
Mario growled. “She’s in agony… we must save her.”
Luigi collapsed to the floor. “Well, you might as well use me to pick the lock; I’m not good for anything else. Then you can shoot me like Old Yeller. Just do it slow… don’t mind me. I’ll try not to bleed all over your rug. Just-”
Mario hoisted Luigi into the air and rammed the door down. Inside, Bowser was wearing dojo duds and Peach was wearing a parka. “This looks like evil to me! What have you done to my Peach… and why are ducks in here?”
Peach threw down a duck. “You’ve ruined our fun, Mario! Bowser, kill him!”
Mario smiled. “Thanks for rooting for me, honey.” Mario grabbed a screaming Toad and threw him at Bowser, causing them both to disappear in a flash of confetti, party favors, and candy. “Yay, candy!”
As Mario gobbled up the candy, Luigi was being beaten up by Peach. “Ew, I’m so angry and this punching bag hits the spot!”
***
Bowser appeared in his royal bathroom just as Kamek was stepping out of the shower. “AGGH!” Kamek pulled on a bath robe. “Hehe… back so soon?”
Bowser growled and picked up a mackeral. “You know these are my private chambers. Now you’re gonna get it!”
***
In the Mushroom Castle's closet...
“Hello, zhis iz Chef Torte. Vill somebody save me? Anybody? I can’t go on like zhis! Help me! Pleaze! AGGH!”
Finale
Kamek walked out onto the screen, his hands behind his back.
"Hello, and welcome to the finale of the world... well... Internet-renowned Plumber Predicaments and Koopa Katastrophes collection. For a few months now, we've been filling your head with meaningless garbage that wastes your time. Due to laws of physics, it's been deemed unhealthy by the John Deere commitee to continue grouping these pointless stories into a collection, because there might be an overload and then the garbage will fly everwhere... not literally, of course.
Toad raised his hand in the audience. "John Deere? What say-so do they have over- ACK!"
Kamek blast him with a wand zap and continued.
"Without further stuff that's not relevant to the plot, please enjoy the spectacular finale, and make sure to vote vote vote in Little Lemmy's Land!!!"
"That's cheap- Ow, my burnt skin."
***
Bowser ran through the halls of his castle, shouting, "The junk mail is here! The junk mail is here!"
Kamek rubbed the blur of sleep from his eyes, slipping off his Cutesey Wootsey bunny slippers. "Lord Bowser, it's 6 AM. Most of the troops are trying to-"
"The junk mail is here! The junk mail is here!" Bowser was doing his rendition of the River Dance.
Kamek grabbed the pile of letters in Bowser's hands. "What's so special about... Koopa Clearing House... View My Free Webcam... K-Mart's Please He lp Us Because Our Company Is Dying Sale... Free tickets to Jeopardy... all of this is... JEOPARDY!"
Bowser had tears in his eyes. "We've never gotten junk mail before. Finally, we ARE somebody. Good things are going to start happening to us now. People will wave on the street, our mailbox will be overloaded with useless letters begging for donations while insulting our intelligence, and best of all, we can use the extra paper to make oragami art. Oh, Kamek, I'm so happy!"
Kamek slapped Bowser. "Snap out of it! We've received two tickets to Jeopardy, the famous game show that originated on Earth. You got a panelist ticket, and I can come to sit in the audience. Bowser, we're going to be rich!"
Bowser searched his mind. "Oh, I watch that. I love Koopa Trebekk. He's such a genius. He knows all the answers."
Rim shot.
Kamek rolled his eyes. "Er... yeah, a real Albert Koopstein."
Bowser, puzzled, asked, "Koopstein? You just made that up, didn't you."
"Even if I did, it doesn't matter; to the Bat Cave!"
Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyan nyah BAT MAN!
Later, in the Bat Cave...
Michael Keaton rose up from his computer. "What are you weirdos doing here? This is the Bat Cave."
Bowser nodded. "I know, and it's also my secret base where Kamek and I plot evil stuff. See, Kamek's plotting something now..."
Camera on Kamek, rubbing his hands together... EVILLY!
"Yeeees... that's evil! Hehe... evil. Yeah, that's gonna be good... HEY!"
Camera off.
"See? This is my secret base, so get out!"
Michael stood up, much taller than Bowser. "Listen, this is the Bat Cave, right?"
"Er... yeah."
"So, it would make since that someone that had some trace of "bat" in their name would be here, correct?"
"Oh, yes, that makes perfect sense."
Michael smiled. "Excellent! So, my name is Batman. Doesn't it make sense that I should be here instead of you?"
Bowser thought for two hours. "Nope, I don't follow you."
Meanwhile, back In the Mushroom Kingdom...
Luigi was asking Mario what they should do that day. "Mario, what should we do today?"
Mario clapped his hands together. He knew exactly what he wanted to do! "Let's dig a tunnel to the center of the moon."
Luigi scratched his head. "Er... you can't build a tunnel to the center of the moon, Mario."
Mario yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. "YES I CAN! It will be a special tunnel, and it will go to the center of the MOON!"
Peach walked over, Toad at her side. "Er... let's go to the Jeopardy competition instead. Mario, you've been invited to be a panelist. Luigi can go with you. (Anything to get them outta my hair.)"
Back in the Bat Cave...
Mr. Keaton brought out a canvas and drew several childish picture. He brought up one of Bowser. "This is you. You are Bowser."
"I'm handsome."
Next, he put up a picture of himself. "This is me. As you can see, I'm dressed up like a bat. See?"
"I wish my name were Sally."
Finally, he brought up a picture of a bat, then a plus sign next to a drawing of the bat cave. "See?A bat goes in the bat cave. Which one of these," he held up a picture of himself and Bowser, "looks the most like a bat?"
Bowser giggled, "You, stupid-head. I don't look anything like a bat."
"That's right! So, you can see why I am the rightful inhabitant of the Bat Cave, right?"
Bowser looked up into the sky, a very hard thing to do since they were in a cave. "Er... no. It doesn't make a bit of sense."
Michael hit his head on his desk. "Let's try something else."
Michael disappeared behind a cardboard box, and then two sock puppets came up, one looking like him and one looking like Bowser.
The Bowser one said, "Gosh, this is the Bat Cave. I think this is my secret base."
The Batman one: "Well, it's not. You are a turtle; I am a bat. You don't belong in a BAT cave, do you?"
"Er... no, I guess I don't. That makes perfect sense."
"Excellent!"
Bowser clapped his hands, grinning. "I love puppet shows! The morals are so hard to figure out."
"Can't you just pretend you understand and leave anyway?"
"No can do."
On the Jeopardy set...
Koopa Trebekk, clad in a snazzy outfit, walked out. "Welcome, Koopas and Troopas, to the game with the fame with the host with the most, Jeopardy!"
Bowser rang his bell. "What is twenty-five?"
"Er... we haven't started yet."
"Oh, sorry."
"Anyway, let's meet our panelists. In the first box, we have the king of the Koopa Troop, Bowser! He likes bath toys, walking on beaches, and reading junk mail.
"In the second box, we have the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario Mario."
Mario rang his bell. "What is you said my name too many times?"
"No, Mario is also your last name, hence Mario Bros. Oh, and if you're asking a question, you don't have to put it in the... form... of... a... ques... tion... nevermind."
"What is ok?"
"In the third box, we have a large cardboard box, said to be used by the actual Batman to put on a puppet show! It likes laying around, doing nothing, and being devoid of any thoughts."
Mario rang his bell again. "What is why didn't you ask me what I wanted to do?"
"Shut up. Ok, on to the one and only round this game has, besides Final Jeopardy. The categories are: Ruling a Koopa Troop Army, Dressing up as a Princess, Cooking Bad Food, and Girl Scouts."
In the audience...
Luigi nudged Kamek. "Hey, looks like Bowser's got a pretty good chance."
Kamek sighed, placing his face in his hands. "Don't worry. He'll bomb before it's over."
On stage...
"Ok, the first pick goes to Bowser. Pick your category."
"I'll pick Dressing up as a Princess for 200, Bob."
"My name's... nevermind. Here's your answer."
"You mean question."
"No... we... just listen. This is the well-known king who was turned into a princess by the Magikoopa, Changling."
Bowser hesitated, and Mario picked up the turn. "Meat sauce!'
"I'm sorry; that's wrong. Mario, you can pick now."
"O-a-k. Me-sa pick... Ruling a Koopa Troop-a."
"Your clue is, 'Koopa Troops are mutant versions of this animal."
"Meat sauce!"
"No, I'm sorry... Bowser?"
"Oh, oh, what are turtles?"
"Good job, pick another category."
"How's about Cooking Bad Food for 500... BIG MONEY... DON"T HIT THE WHAMMY!"
"Whammy? Er... nevermind. This short story involved Bowser cooking bad food."
"Um, what is Gourment de Koopa?"
"CORRECT!"
Mario rang the bell. "What is I'd like to buy a vowel, Alex?"
"My name's Koopa."
"Sam."
"No, Koopa."
"Mary, what is can I spin again instead?"
"KOOPA!"
"I'd like to solve the puzzle!"
Twenty-eight minutes later...
Trebekk was lying his head over his podium, deeply depressed. "After so much time, the current standings are Bowser: 500, Mario: -1,585,858, and Box: 100. It's now time for Final Jeopardy. Place your bets."
Du du du du etc.
"Ok, the clue is, "What is pi taken out fifty times..."
In the audience...
"Kamek, why is Bowser looking so nervous? He's got it in the bag."
"What bag? Ohhhh... You would too if you bet everything you had and didn't know the answer."
On stage...
"Ok, Mario, you got it wrong, meaning you lose even more points. Box, you bet only ninty-nine points, so you still have a score of one, even though you got it wrong. Bowser, we'll need to see your answer."
"Er... why? It's obvious I've won."
Trebekk laughed. "Yes, it is, but we just have to make sure you didn't do something really stupid like bet all of your money." The entire audience laughed except Kamek.
"Er... I don' wanna."
Toad ran out and flipped it around. "Look! He's an idiot! Wahahahaha!" Toad jumped through a window.
"Eww... I'm sorry, looks like you bet everything, turning your score to zero. Well, that means the box wins!"
The box is carried out by a squadron of cheerleaders. "Well, I'm Koopa Trebekk saying, the smartest thing on Plit is a cardboard box!"
***
Kamek walked onscreen again.
Kamek: Wasn't that finale spectacular?
Toad: No, it was the pits. I hated it. It was very inconsistent. You never explained how Batman actually got you and Bowser out of the Bat Cave.
Kamek blast Toad again.
Bowser: Hey, what if I want my brain rotted, but there's no more new senseless short stories by Mario Fan?
Kamek: Good question! (wink, wink) All future short stories, just like the ones you've been reading, will be conveniently listed under Mario Fan in the Scribbles section.
Bowser: When do I get paid for saying that?
Kamek glared at Bowser.
Kamek: Anyway, make sure to vote for the Short Story Collection in Little Lemmy's Land! If you haven't voted yet, SHAME ON YOU. You don't think this kind of senseless writing comes easy, do you?
Toad, beat and battered: No, it looks like he just slops garbage onto the computer.And now, to show my disappreciation, I'm going to blow up you all!
Toad pulled out a thermal detonator and foamed at the mouth.
Toad: WAHAHAHA! DIE YOU MARXIST PLEBIANS!!!
Kamek: END TRANSMISSION... NOW!!!
BAM!!!Finale
Kamek walked out onto the screen, his hands behind his back.
"Hello, and welcome to the finale of the world... well... Internet-renowned Plumber Predicaments and Koopa Katastrophes collection. For a few months now, we've been filling your head with meaningless garbage that wastes your time. Due to laws of physics, it's been deemed unhealthy by the John Deere commitee to continue grouping these pointless stories into a collection, because there might be an overload and then the garbage will fly everwhere... not literally, of course.
Toad raised his hand in the audience. "John Deere? What say-so do they have over- ACK!"
Kamek blast him with a wand zap and continued.
"Without further stuff that's not relevant to the plot, please enjoy the spectacular finale!!!"
"Ow, my burnt skin."
***
Bowser ran through the halls of his castle, shouting, "The junk mail is here! The junk mail is here!"
Kamek rubbed the blur of sleep from his eyes, slipping off his Cutesey Wootsey bunny slippers. "Lord Bowser, it's 6 AM. Most of the troops are trying to-"
"The junk mail is here! The junk mail is here!" Bowser was doing his rendition of the River Dance.
Kamek grabbed the pile of letters in Bowser's hands. "What's so special about... Koopa Clearing House... View My Free Webcam... K-Mart's Please He lp Us Because Our Company Is Dying Sale... Free tickets to Jeopardy... all of this is... JEOPARDY!"
Bowser had tears in his eyes. "We've never gotten junk mail before. Finally, we ARE somebody. Good things are going to start happening to us now. People will wave on the street, our mailbox will be overloaded with useless letters begging for donations while insulting our intelligence, and best of all, we can use the extra paper to make oragami art. Oh, Kamek, I'm so happy!"
Kamek slapped Bowser. "Snap out of it! We've received two tickets to Jeopardy, the famous game show that originated on Earth. You got a panelist ticket, and I can come to sit in the audience. Bowser, we're going to be rich!"
Bowser searched his mind. "Oh, I watch that. I love Koopa Trebekk. He's such a genius. He knows all the answers."
Rim shot.
Kamek rolled his eyes. "Er... yeah, a real Albert Koopstein."
Bowser, puzzled, asked, "Koopstein? You just made that up, didn't you."
"Even if I did, it doesn't matter; to the Bat Cave!"
Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyan nyah BAT MAN!
Later, in the Bat Cave...
Michael Keaton rose up from his computer. "What are you weirdos doing here? This is the Bat Cave."
Bowser nodded. "I know, and it's also my secret base where Kamek and I plot evil stuff. See, Kamek's plotting something now..."
Camera on Kamek, rubbing his hands together... EVILLY!
"Yeeees... that's evil! Hehe... evil. Yeah, that's gonna be good... HEY!"
Camera off.
"See? This is my secret base, so get out!"
Michael stood up, much taller than Bowser. "Listen, this is the Bat Cave, right?"
"Er... yeah."
"So, it would make since that someone that had some trace of "bat" in their name would be here, correct?"
"Oh, yes, that makes perfect sense."
Michael smiled. "Excellent! So, my name is Batman. Doesn't it make sense that I should be here instead of you?"
Bowser thought for two hours. "Nope, I don't follow you."
Meanwhile, back In the Mushroom Kingdom...
Luigi was asking Mario what they should do that day. "Mario, what should we do today?"
Mario clapped his hands together. He knew exactly what he wanted to do! "Let's dig a tunnel to the center of the moon."
Luigi scratched his head. "Er... you can't build a tunnel to the center of the moon, Mario."
Mario yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. "YES I CAN! It will be a special tunnel, and it will go to the center of the MOON!"
Peach walked over, Toad at her side. "Er... let's go to the Jeopardy competition instead. Mario, you've been invited to be a panelist. Luigi can go with you. (Anything to get them outta my hair.)"
Back in the Bat Cave...
Mr. Keaton brought out a canvas and drew several childish picture. He brought up one of Bowser. "This is you. You are Bowser."
"I'm handsome."
Next, he put up a picture of himself. "This is me. As you can see, I'm dressed up like a bat. See?"
"I wish my name were Sally."
Finally, he brought up a picture of a bat, then a plus sign next to a drawing of the bat cave. "See?A bat goes in the bat cave. Which one of these," he held up a picture of himself and Bowser, "looks the most like a bat?"
Bowser giggled, "You, stupid-head. I don't look anything like a bat."
"That's right! So, you can see why I am the rightful inhabitant of the Bat Cave, right?"
Bowser looked up into the sky, a very hard thing to do since they were in a cave. "Er... no. It doesn't make a bit of sense."
Michael hit his head on his desk. "Let's try something else."
Michael disappeared behind a cardboard box, and then two sock puppets came up, one looking like him and one looking like Bowser.
The Bowser one said, "Gosh, this is the Bat Cave. I think this is my secret base."
The Batman one: "Well, it's not. You are a turtle; I am a bat. You don't belong in a BAT cave, do you?"
"Er... no, I guess I don't. That makes perfect sense."
"Excellent!"
Bowser clapped his hands, grinning. "I love puppet shows! The morals are so hard to figure out."
"Can't you just pretend you understand and leave anyway?"
"No can do."
On the Jeopardy set...
Koopa Trebekk, clad in a snazzy outfit, walked out. "Welcome, Koopas and Troopas, to the game with the fame with the host with the most, Jeopardy!"
Bowser rang his bell. "What is twenty-five?"
"Er... we haven't started yet."
"Oh, sorry."
"Anyway, let's meet our panelists. In the first box, we have the king of the Koopa Troop, Bowser! He likes bath toys, walking on beaches, and reading junk mail.
"In the second box, we have the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario Mario."
Mario rang his bell. "What is you said my name too many times?"
"No, Mario is also your last name, hence Mario Bros. Oh, and if you're asking a question, you don't have to put it in the... form... of... a... ques... tion... nevermind."
"What is ok?"
"In the third box, we have a large cardboard box, said to be used by the actual Batman to put on a puppet show! It likes laying around, doing nothing, and being devoid of any thoughts."
Mario rang his bell again. "What is why didn't you ask me what I wanted to do?"
"Shut up. Ok, on to the one and only round this game has, besides Final Jeopardy. The categories are: Ruling a Koopa Troop Army, Dressing up as a Princess, Cooking Bad Food, and Girl Scouts."
In the audience...
Luigi nudged Kamek. "Hey, looks like Bowser's got a pretty good chance."
Kamek sighed, placing his face in his hands. "Don't worry. He'll bomb before it's over."
On stage...
"Ok, the first pick goes to Bowser. Pick your category."
"I'll pick Dressing up as a Princess for 200, Bob."
"My name's... nevermind. Here's your answer."
"You mean question."
"No... we... just listen. This is the well-known king who was turned into a princess by the Magikoopa, Changling."
Bowser hesitated, and Mario picked up the turn. "Meat sauce!'
"I'm sorry; that's wrong. Mario, you can pick now."
"O-a-k. Me-sa pick... Ruling a Koopa Troop-a."
"Your clue is, 'Koopa Troops are mutant versions of this animal."
"Meat sauce!"
"No, I'm sorry... Bowser?"
"Oh, oh, what are turtles?"
"Good job, pick another category."
"How's about Cooking Bad Food for 500... BIG MONEY... DON"T HIT THE WHAMMY!"
"Whammy? Er... nevermind. This short story involved Bowser cooking bad food."
"Um, what is Gourment de Koopa?"
"CORRECT!"
Mario rang the bell. "What is I'd like to buy a vowel, Alex?"
"My name's Koopa."
"Sam."
"No, Koopa."
"Mary, what is can I spin again instead?"
"KOOPA!"
"I'd like to solve the puzzle!"
Twenty-eight minutes later...
Trebekk was lying his head over his podium, deeply depressed. "After so much time, the current standings are Bowser: 500, Mario: -1,585,858, and Box: 100. It's now time for Final Jeopardy. Place your bets."
Du du du du etc.
"Ok, the clue is, "What is pi taken out fifty times..."
In the audience...
"Kamek, why is Bowser looking so nervous? He's got it in the bag."
"What bag? Ohhhh... You would too if you bet everything you had and didn't know the answer."
On stage...
"Ok, Mario, you got it wrong, meaning you lose even more points. Box, you bet only ninty-nine points, so you still have a score of one, even though you got it wrong. Bowser, we'll need to see your answer."
"Er... why? It's obvious I've won."
Trebekk laughed. "Yes, it is, but we just have to make sure you didn't do something really stupid like bet all of your money." The entire audience laughed except Kamek.
"Er... I don' wanna."
Toad ran out and flipped it around. "Look! He's an idiot! Wahahahaha!" Toad jumped through a window.
"Eww... I'm sorry, looks like you bet everything, turning your score to zero. Well, that means the box wins!"
The box is carried out by a squadron of cheerleaders. "Well, I'm Koopa Trebekk saying, the smartest thing on Plit is a cardboard box!"
***
Kamek walked onscreen again.
Kamek: Wasn't that finale spectacular?
Toad: No, it was the pits. I hated it. It was very inconsistent. You never explained how Batman actually got you and Bowser out of the Bat Cave.
Kamek blast Toad again.
Bowser: Hey, what if I want my brain rotted, but there's no more new senseless short stories by Mario Fan?
Kamek: Good question! (wink, wink) All future short stories, just like the ones you've been reading, will be conveniently listed under Mario Fan in the Scribbles section.
Bowser: When do I get paid for saying that?
Kamek glared at Bowser.
Toad, beat and battered: This looks like you just slopped garbage onto the computer. And now, to show my disappreciation, I'm going to blow up you all!
Toad pulled out a thermal detonator and foamed at the mouth.
Toad: WAHAHAHA! DIE YOU MARXIST PLEBIANS!!!
Kamek: END TRANSMISSION... NOW!!!
BAM!!!
The End
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