Chapter Four
Koopa Castle
Just to explain here, Bowser and friends lost their coveted castle in the first GBT installment. Now, however, he’s used his new RENT A BADDIES to construct an elaborate lean-to with all the modern necessities. Having that in mind, let’s return to the increasingly complex plotline.
Stario and Luigi scuttled across the dirt floor, crossing the open passageway from one overhang to another. Luigi was breathing heavily, but Stario’s breathing was regulated. He was built for this. Stario stopped on the other side, pushing Luigi beside him. He peeked his head around the corner, looking both ways down the passageway. “No sign of them yet. They seem to be the only one’s here, Luigi. Where are the rest?”
Luigi looked around the room they were in. It was another bunkroom, like the five or so others they’d seen. “This makes way too many sleeping quarters for just a few Koopas. Do you suppose Bowser’s built up another army?”
Stario pulled back his head. “Another army? This quickly? Impossible.”
Luigi nodded. “Still, maybe some kind of cheap, humorous trick got him another army. That often happens in this story.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh, nothing…”
***
Kammy and Kamek came to a screeching halt in a new passage way. Kamek huffed, “Where… did they… go?”
“I… don’t know. They… are… fast for small ones.”
Kamek breathed deeply. “Let’s split up. There are only four passageways and the main hallways, which were locked before they escaped. I’ll take two, you take two.”
Kammy nodded and ran off towards the other passageways.
***
Stario helped his brother onto a dusty, dirty laundry-covered chest of drawers. Luigi held his nose. “PU! These Koopas sure are nasty.”
Ahead of them was a large lamp. Stario looked up to see that from the top of it, he would be able to fly them through the air vent. From there… even Stario didn’t know. With a running jump, he leapt onto the lamp, immediately being sent back off. When he hit the ground, Luigi helped him up. His gloves and jeans were slightly blackened.
“Well, that scratches that idea… unless… look!” Luigi pointed to a wire connected from the lamp to the chasm in-between the back of the chest of drawers and the wall. Stario nodded, pulling out his sword. With one good swing, the sword slid through the wire easily enough, plunging the room into darkness. Still, some light shone through from the passageway. “Excellent, my brother! Let’s get out of here before those creeps find us.”
Stario nodded with a smile and started to climb up the lamp. Luigi knew it was going to take some getting used to this more serious version of his brother. “Right behind ya, bro.”
Mushroom Village (Capital), Mushroom Kingdom
Peach stood, scantily dressed, with her wrists chained to the floor. For the fourth time, she disgustedly held a bowl of rotten mutton under Bowser’s drooling mouth as he scarfed the contents down. “Do you wish for more, Lord Koopa?” Peach managed to get out. If she could keep up the fake facade of willingness, she figured she might find a way to escape. Still, the sudden cowardice of the usually over-eager Toad confused her. Something wasn’t right.
“Why yes, my dear,” said Bowser, in his most dashing voice, one that sounded, at best, extremely cheesy. “You will learn to like me… in time.” He snapped his fingers and a glass of the finest Koopa wine was brought on a tray by a Goomba. Bowser lifted it, giving it to Peach. Trembling with fury, she couldn’t hold back. With a loud shriek of defiance, she slung the drink in his face, causing him to reel back in pain, holding his eyes. “You’ll pay for that! Take her to the dungeon. She gets no food for the next two days, only dingy water!”
Peach cried hot tears of anger as she was dragged off to the dungeon. Mario… please come back…
Isle of Soshi
Ryan-oshi squinted his eyes as his muscles ached. He’d been climbing the volcano on the Isle of Soshi, the place where Chef Torte and the rest had been found. After a few hours of strenuous climbing (he didn’t find Torte’s hidden base and the elevator within), he finally reached the very top, peering into the boiling magma. As he suspected, a ledge encircled the upper part of the volcano. Surprisingly enough, a small crack in the wall above the ledge was visible. Getting out his magic rope, given to him long ago, he rigged it up. As was its power, it extended automatically, stopping at his touch. He left it, unhitching himself.
After reaching the strange hole in the wall, he got to work on it with a chisel. It wasn’t long before the recently built cave started to crack and crumble. It was the work of two more hours to make a hole large enough for him to barely squeeze through. Gathering his wits, he entered.
On the other side, he was surprised to see a winding staircase, descending. He walked down it, keeping his head cautiously fixated on the corner just around him. After a long journey down, he came into a clearing. The smell of soda and buttery popcorn filled the air. A TV left on the I Love Lucy Channel (hey, a Yoshi can dream, can’t he?) blazed in the backdrop. It was obviously a laboratory of some sort, a very messy one. This must be that Genius Guy’s lab, he thought to himself.
Scattered about were broken novelty toys, several paddle balls, and bits and pieces of metal, some of which obviously belonged to the now out-of-commission Mecha Yoshi. This is, indeed, Chef Torte’s base. Now to find some evidence of recent habitation…
Stepping into the next room, he saw what he supposed to be the main hall. Cluttered pots and bans, spray cans, and other oddities littered the floor. Still, he smelt something… a very familiar smell. It was undoubtedly a Mushoomer!
“Eureka! They didn’t have a Mushroomer last time. It had to have been the chancellor. Still, where are they now? And furthermore, what proof do I have? None. I have to keep looking.”
The Torte Zeppelin, Plit Skies
Chef Torte watched maniacally as the unfortunate Whomp was tied to the back of the zeppelin and flung out. Now, he was carried along on a rope, hovering over the ground. “Er… sir, don’t you think that was a bit harsh? He was only trying to help. Besides, he’s so cute. I could pinch his little cheeky-weekys.” Chef Torte stared blankly at his apprentice. “Don’t you just want to give him a hug?”
Chef Torte smiled a smile more evil than the one before. “No, I zhink not, but I do haf a most vondervul idea, and it’s all zhanks to you, Apprentice.”
***
Chef Torte watched even more maniacally as two figures dangled from the back of the ship. “I love even numbers.”
Genius Guy tugged on the back of his apron. “Uh, do we have any paddleballs on this thing? I’m terribly bored.”
Chef Torte whirled around and smacked him hard with the PAN OF PAIN. He was sent careening to the side of the zeppelin. “Zhat vill teach you to speak badly of Maria.”
“Maria?” asked Changling with an eyebrow raised.
Chef Torte nodded, hearts in his eyes. “Yez, I haf alvays vanted, vhen I received my very own zeppelin, to name it… Maria. It ist zhe perfect name!”
Changling nodded in agreement, not wanting to get thrown out the back. “Yes, beautiful.”
Genius Guy tugged on his apron again. “So… is it ok if I just go back to doing what I was doing?”
Chef Torte sighed, rolling his eyes. “Yez, Genius Guy! Do vhateveir you vant, just don’t bozeir moi!”
“Who's Moi?”
“GET OUT! NOW!”
Genius Guy hurried off, his feet almost being left behind him. Changling receded to the cabin, going back to take the zeppelin off of autopilot.
Chef Torte sat down, running his hands down one of the cabin’s chairs. “Ahh, yes, Maria. You and me vill be best of friends foreveir. Ve vill neveir be parted. I vill neveir let anyvone damage you. If zhey try, I’ll stick my PAN OF PAIN up zhere you know vhatsiz. Zhat’ll show zhem!”
Genius Guy sat across from Torte, staring. “Er… maybe now isn’t the best time.”
Chef Torte jumped up. “Vhat are doing back? I zought I told you to go do vhateveir it vas zhat you vere doing to keep you occupied. Can you not zhee zhat I’m very busy right now? Hmmm?!”
Genius Guy nodded. “I know what you said, but I think maybe I should stop what I was doing. It seems dangerous. I’ll just be bored.”
“NO! I vill not haf you being bored. Zhere’s no telling vhat kind of trouble you can cook up in your spare time. Juzt go and do zhat zhing you vere doing…”
“But… it’s dangerous… but…”
“Uh uh. No more of zhis. Juzt go! NOW! If it ist bad, you von’t be blamed.”
“But… it’s…”
“GET OUT! I vill make you feel very bad if you don’t!”
Genius Guy ran out again.
Twenty minutes later...
Changling ran in, panic-stricken. “Boss! I have terrible news!”
Chef Torte jumped up, a snot bubble that was growing while he was asleep suddenly popping. “Vhat? I’m up, I’m up. Vhat iz it?”
“The gas is almost gone. It’s like we’ve sprung a leak!”
Chef Torte sighed, his face turning red. “GENIUS GUY! GET IN HERE NOW!”
Genius Guy ran in, gas covering his entire body. “Genius Guy, vas zhat zhing you vere doing poking zhe gas tank until it started to leak?”
Genius Guy, reeking of petroleum, said, “Um… no. I don’t believe so.”
“But you are coveired in gasoline. You smell of it all oveir.”
Genius Guy shook his head. “Er… um, maybe I did… but you said-”
BAM!
***
Genius Guy’s eyes twirled in a corner. “Changling quick, land Maria. Ve muzt save her on zhe ground!”
“But, we’re currently flying over-”
“I don’t care! Ve haf no choice!”
“Ok…” I was just going to say we’re currently flying over Yoshi’s Island.
Chapter Five
Space: Interminable Frontier
Space is nothing. It is a boundless, unending plain of sheer majesty… matchless knowledge. Scattered about this void are bubbles, tiny entrapments of existence. Suspended, the existences are planets, star, galaxies, black holes, and innumerable other objects of mystery. Among these, these thousands of bubbles, rests Plit. From Plit, things leave and come, but not often. Some venture far; some venture close by. Some go on for what seems forever. And then there are some that span the epoch of two stories and beyond.
The tiny bubble in question, a being attached to a rocket, zoomed through the gravity-less universe, screaming his head off. “AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!”
Up ahead of Lemmy, a swirling vortex made itself visible, shimmering like a mirage against the backdrop of a million twinkling stars and, possibly, planets. “Ooohhh, pretty lights. I wish I were a light, so I could… er… I hate my philosophical lines. I should just continue screaming.” So he did.
Koopa Overhang – Ventilation System
Stario and Luigi pumped their legs, quickly covering the distance down the seemingly eternal air vent. This one was obviously one of the longer stretches. Still, Luigi didn’t see how randomly running around in the ceiling of an overhang would help them, or why Bowser would even bother to put a ventilation system in a lean-to. “Mario, what’s the plan? Where are we going to come out?”
Stario stopped abruptly and turned around, his cape whooshing. “I’ve retraced our movements in my mind. We should come out right above the entrance light. I remember seeing a makeshift lightbulb stuck to the thatched roof near the entrance. We can push it down and shimmy down the wires.” Stario said nothing else, turning around and beginning to run again.
Luigi rested before trying to catch up with him. Just as he was closing in on Stario, the panel in between the brothers blew upwards, crashing against the top of the ventilation system and creating an ear-deafening clatter. It crashed through the hole where it had been, causing a scream, female. “Kamek! Watch where you blast that wand. Is it off? Good. Check up there for any smells or sights of our daring prisoners.”
Luigi, shivering, walked backwards, his eyes full of fear. Stario stood on the other side, beckoning for him to jump. In real size, the jump would have been easy for a Goomba to make, but in Luigi’s current size, it was a prodigious risk. Luigi anxiously shook his head, hearing the rustle of Kamek’s robe and the screeching of wood against linoleum as he scooted a chair in place to climb up for a peek.
Gulping and collecting his wits, he made a daring jump, only coming half way. Awaiting his death, he landed on Kamek’s hood with a soft sound, crushing the pointy tip. Surprised, adrenaline bade him to jump the rest of the way from his temporary platform. Stario grabbed a hold of his brother, and by summoning some of the last of his minimized power, he used created a super speed boost, letting them escape around a corner.
Kamek heard the small clinging of metal and twisted his hand around, seeing only darkness. “I heard something!”
“Is it them?”
“I… don’t know. If it was, they’ve rounded a corner to the left. They’re over the next room.” Kamek pulled his head out of the shaft, bumping his rump into Kammy. In a cacophony of wood, flooring, and scales, the room dropped into chaos.
Mushroom Kingdom Royal Castle Dungeon
Peach sat, still without her beautiful dress, in her dank, dripping cell. Polluted water clogged the room’s central drain and rat droppings filled the room. A “Missing: Mouser” poster rotted away on the wall. “Whatever happened to him?”
Thinking of the villain forgotten in the vault of Mario adventures past, she noticed a rat squeezing itself out of a hole where a brick used to be. She peered into it, seeing something on the other side. “Must be another cell… but then again...” The dungeon didn’t extend in that direction.
It was at that moment that she remembered a talk she had had with the Village’s old dungeon keeper. He had said that there was a hidden cell, for only the worst of the worst criminals, located behind one of the regular cells. Could this one be it?
Eagerly, she began to tug at the surrounding bricks, edging them out inch by inch. Seeing that they seemed to be weak, as if meant to be able to come out, she tugged all the harder. Finally, the first brick came out, and she could see the other side more clearly.
Exhausted, after three hours, she looked at a pile of ten bricks. They had been harder to get out as she went. She kept pulling, finally creating a hole sizable enough to go through. Holding her breath, she crawled forward. She might not find anything, but at least it was something to do.
E-PEANUT HQ
A large, round table was centered in a room, the outside corners shrouded in darkness and vending machine snacks. Positioned around the table were several chairs, seating none other than the members of the secret underground villainess society, or The Evil Plethora Excluding All Null Uber Turtles.
Sitting in these seats were: Smithy, Gruntilda, Dr. Eggman, Ganon, King Dedede, Wart, Andross, and Snifit 2. Ganon rose from the table in his human form. “Ah, yes, let’s go over the minutes of the last meeting. Secretary Snifit 2, if you will?”
The Snifit nodded, standing up with a paper in his hands. “We settled the evil cackle debate with a game of My Mama Told You. We didn’t decide on whether the funds would be better spent on a coffee machine or six bags of tea.”
“Grunty likes the decaf tea; I’ll pour your coffee in the sea!”
Wart started hopping around. “Java! Java! Java!”
“That stupid frog who likes the java; down your throat I’ll stuff a guava.”
Ganon nodded. “Very well, today the E-PEANUT will discuss matters of new members. Bowser? Smithy, what’s your take?”
“Burning… SEETHING!”
“O…k. Snifit 3?”
“I’m Snifit 2. Anyway, I thought this group excluded uber turtles.”
Andross’s floating head nodded. “Yes, it does. IF I DIE I’M TAKING YOU WITH ME!”
“Grunty hates the floating head; I’ll poke him good until he’s dead.”
“Everyone, calm down. Ok, the other member that applied was Chef Torte.”
After a long, knowing silence, the room exploded in laughter. After a few people vomited, everything was back to normal. “Ok, now that that’s over with, we have to teach this Chef Torte Bad Guy Wannabe a lesson. Dedede, your thoughts on the situation?”
“Quack!”
“I don’t think that would work… Eggman?”
“I say we trap all the furry animals and use their powers to make them an army of robots. THE HEDGEHOG WILL BE MINE!”
“Hedgehogs, bears, and stupid birds; down their throats I’ll stuff vinegar curds.”
Snifit 2 rose from the table, “I’ve ordered a group of our Paratroopas to spy on him at Yoshi’s Island. We could attack him there.”
Eggman leaned to and fro, making him look like a poorly animated freakshow. “Erherm… this makes things a WHOLE lot easier. We’ll simply invade the island military base, Shadow can lay the bomb packs, and Rouge can escape with the Chaos emeralds before anyone ever notices! It’s flawless!”
Snifit 2 stared blankly. “Er… maybe not. I suggest we send a small strike team. I’ll be willing to lead it.”
Ganon banged his fists on the table. “No, this Torte freak has cursed our good… er… bad names long enough. He’s even worse than that Bowser guy. We all have to converge on his position and crush him.”
King Dedede nodded. “Quack!”
Wart garbled, spit spewing everywhere from his undulating tongue. “SAY-GUHHHHH!”
“Grunty likes this plan of pain, full of hate, anger, and disdain.”
“Seething… BURNING!”
Eggman’s mustache twitched. “Very well, VERY well.”
“Will they have Arwings?”
Ganon sighed. “Enough! To the Death Egg!”
Yoshi’s Island Landing Strip
“I can’t believe ve are placing zhe very fabric of Maria, moi’s beloved, in zhe hands of zhose stupid Yoshis!” Chef Torte spazzed.
The apprentice tried to pacify his Torteliness’ wrath. “Please, boss, try to stay calm. Remember, the Yoshis’ minds are full of fruit and ginger snaps-”
“Whomp like ginger snaps!”
“And they don’t even remember us or that mecha disaster we had.”
“Vhat mecha disaster? I told you neveir to mention zhat again!”
Genius Guy was tearing off chunks of an apple. “I made a mecha Yoshi, you planned to destroy all the world’s fruit, and then it all backfired on us and two of our teammates are now dead… or… gone… or something. Gosh, we sure did mess that one up.”
Chef Torte gave him a face full of PAN OF PAIN before rushing outside. “I muzt check on Maria. Tell Changling to get out here!”
Changling rose from his resting place, sighed, and moved out.
Outside, Chef Torte ran around frantically as a squardron of Paratroopas landed on the airstrip, guns in hand. “AGGH! It’s an invasion! Changling, quick, turn me into zomezhing useful.”
Changling used his wand, and Torte was translated into a pebble. “Hey, vhat ist zhis? A PEBBLE?! Are you crazy?”
Changling hoisted Torte into the air and chucked him at one of the Paratroopas. Torte hit the intended target on the head. “Ow, moi’s noggin! Changling, change me back into zhe original form.”
“But that’s not useful.”
“NOW!”
Changling did so, and the spazzed out Torte grabbed the fallen Paratroopa’s weapon and started blasting. “Get out of heir, you pesky turtles. Leave Maria alone!”
About this time, Genius Guy, Whomp, and Embert rushed out, starting to pick up some of the fallen Troopas' weapons. “Zhat’s it!”
Genius Guy picked up a gun a lot bigger than himself and fell backwards, the gun firing. Chef Torte jumped up into the air, grabbing his hindquaters. “Fire on zhe poop deck! AGGH!”
Genius Guy’s gun clattered around, sending everyone fleeing in panic. “Genius Guy! Zhrow zhat gun away!”
Genius Guy threw the gun in a desperation shot… near the gas tanks. “No, Genius Guy, not zhere. Not zhere!” Everyone ran away, just as the volatile gun landing in the midst of the gas tanks.
BAM!
Chapter Six
Dinoland Skies
Ryan-oshi sat in his seat, trying to ignore the constant bumps of a plane ride. All around him were several books on various subjects: carbon dating, identifying, artifacts, and reconstruction. On his lap, several items that he had borrowed from Chef Torte’s lair were being examined. He found himself now, though, looking out of the window. The clouds were rolling effortlessly past him, really just an effect of riding in a plane. Still, it was very enchanting. Soon, though, he noticed the sky turning rapidly dark, a shadow falling over the sky and his vision. It’s nowhere near dark… why is it?
A bump greater than all the others rocked the ship, and he heard an explosion from the cockpit. His stomach left him as he felt his body being thrown forward. With a crash, he rocketed into the cabin, being smashed against the controls and bouncing out onto the nose of the plane, a very easy thing to accomplish since the cabin’s window had been blown out. He hung onto the outside of the plane tightly, feeling his body lift into the air.
He looked down to see the ground approaching quickly. In front of him, he could see a large egg-like flying ship moving forward. It had been their attacker, but now it was almost out of sight. In desperation, he let go his hands and shot his tongue into the cabin, pulling himself back in. He tried to shake the pilot awake, but he discovered a clean laser shot in his head, probably the reason the window was shattered. The plane’s engine was whining as they plummeted towards the ground.
Scaling the steep climb from cabin to the passenger part of the plane, he reached into his overhead compartment, pulling on a parachute. After that, he scaled the rest of the plane, kicked open the emergency hatch, and jumped out. Down he went.
After he was far enough from the doomed plane, he pulled the parachute’s cord. Thankfully, the cord worked and ensured his safety. He looked around to see a bright explosion cover the ground where the plane used to be. His head turned back around to see the egg ship approaching Yoshi’s Island. Oh no!
Soshi Airstrip
A mind-splitting explosion consumed the air, and Chef Torte, along with his Team of Terror, went flying through the air, more than a few feet. Hot gas, aflame, charred their clothes and skin, sending them crashing onto the pavement some thirty yards away.
The apprentice pulled his boss up, dusting off his apron. “Sir, hurry!”
Chef Torte nodded, and the suspense music started to play. “Oh no! Zhe zuspense music. Quick, aboard Maria!”
They all hopped aboard, except Genius Guy, who was grooving to the rocking suspense music. “You fool! Get aboard.”
Genius Guy frowned, and Changling lifted him into the zeppelin. “Good, good. Get us outta heir, Embeirt!”
Embert’s flames licked the controls like a master, and the zeppelin made its hasty retreat into the sky as the rest of the Paratroopa squadron regained their senses, at least the ones that weren’t consumed by the flames. “Quickly, Embeirt! Zhere gaining! Genius Guy, stop dancing!”
Embert shouted back, “Perhaps this isn’t the best time, sir, but a large egg-like battle cruiser seems to be intercepting us. Er… should I patch us to their intercom system?”
Chef Torte ran over, leaving the battling of attacking Paratroopas to Whomp and Changling. “Yes, yes, get zhem on zhe line. I’ll speak to zhem.”
A frazzled voice came over the line. “This is Ganon, leader of E-PEANUT. We order you to stay still so we can blast you!”
“Blast moi? How come? I zought I vas a membeir. I vas vondering vhy I didn’t get zhe newsletteir.”
The frustrated voice came back. “You’re making us real villains look bad. Now get off this line so I can obliterate you.”
The line cut off. Genius Guy smiled. “What a nice man.”
“Shut up, Genius Guy. Man zhe guns! Maria vill not go down vizout a fight!”
Genius Guy and Chef Torte rushed over to the guns while Changling and Whomp continued battling Paratroopas trying to hijack the ship. Chef Torte hopped in his gunner window; Genius Guy had installed two bulbous windows in which an operator could sit down and control a swivel cannon. “Ok, zough you zought you could juzt blazt moi out of zhe sky, eh? Vell, take zhis!”
Scatter fire shot into the egg, bouncing harmlessly off its hide. Genius Guy was having similar results. Ganon’s voice came over the com unit. “Haha, Eggman’s impenetrable steel plating makes it impossible for you to win. Just give up!”
“NEVEIR!” Chef Torte ran past the Paratroopa battle, grabbing his PAN OF PAIN and using it to shoot several cluster bombs. They exploded upon hitting the Death Egg, causing the metal to rip off. “Genius Guy, fire zhere!” Genius Guy did so and chunks of wiring and hull broke off. “Yez! It’s verking!”
Death Egg
Gruntilda was running towards the landing bay. She hopped on her broom. “Staying and watching, that’s no fun; time to go out and kick that chef’s buns!”
Andross’ floating head followed her out.
Maria
The Apprentice spazzed as the last Paratroopa was disposed of. “Sir, look! Two objects coming out of the Death Egg’s hatch.”
Chef Torte looked puzzled. “Deaz Egg? How many more contractual agreementz ist zhis story going to break?”
Genius Guy, abandoning his gunner pod, which was then subsequently blown to smithereens by laser fire, was dancing again. “Genius Guy, if you don’t… EMBEIRT! Watch for zhat vitch!”
Embert placed a fire arm to his mouth. “Um… I’m telling. You said a baaaaddddd woooorrrrdddd.”
Chef Torte hit him over the head with the PAN OF PAIN. “Juzt vatch zhem! Shoot zhem down if you can. I’ll concentrate more cluster bombs on zhe metal plating in zhe meantime.”
Embert nodded, concentrating his firepower on the floating head. “Hey, where’d that witch go?”
Gruntilda’s fat frame and broom shot through the blown-off gunner window, crashing into the cabin. “Grunty’s here to have some fun; I’ll prove to you you’re really dumb!”
Chef Torte threw his PAN OF PAIN from one hand to the other. “Bring it on, Grunty. I haf been vaiting yearz for zhis!”
Maria's engine started to whine under the extra weight from having two holes in the cabin, and it began to sway hectically. Chef Torte and all the others were thrown off balance, flying in random directions.
Dinoland Skies
A few meters away, Ryan-oshi’s parachute was leading him straight for the battle. What do you mean he could’ve never floated that far without first hitting the ground? Come on, work with me. Don’t you like the exciting air battle? “Um… this could hurt.” SMASH! Ryan-oshi hit the side of the Death Egg on a spot where the hull was blown off, sending him straight into it. He gathered his senses and looked left and right. He was in a hallway. “Hmm… time to get to the control room. Today’s just gotten really sour.”
On down the hall, a pair of Badniks (yay, more contractual mayhem!) and a few low-class Snifits awaited him. “Oh, great! Ok, who’s first?” They were upon him.
Death Egg Control Room
Ganon cursed as Eggman lifted his head from the control console. “The Chaos emeralds have been stolen. I hate Echidnas! Er… I mean, a Yoshi has breached the outer hull and is combating a reception party. What should we do?”
“Keep all energy on the forward shields and batteries.”
Wart blubbered. “Why would batteries need energy?”
Ganon rolled his eyes. “Gun batteries, you simpleton. Snifit 2! Status report!”
Snifit 2 ran up, a piece of paper in his hands. “We’re not being bombarded by those cluster bombs anymore since Grunty breached their cabin, but the main gun is still ripping through the exposed portions of our hull! Oh, and the Yoshi has just defeated that reception party. He’s approaching the main control room!”
Ganon slammed his fist on the view port, causing a small crack. “Blast! Quickly, send in the Iron Knuckles!”
“But that would increase our liability! We could be sued!”
“Do it now!”
Maria
Chef Torte pulled himself off the floor, just in time to dodge a blue energy blast from Gruntilda. He lifted up his PAN OF PAIN. “Ok, now zhe stakes are higher. Can you handle zhe blazt o’ fury, level four?!”
A chocolate-smelling energy blast shot out from the pan, belting Grunty good. She fell head over heels, smashing against the side of the cabin. Consequently, the entire zeppelin shifted to her side, pulling everyone along with it. Whomp smashed into Grunty AND the cabin, sending them both out of the zeppelin. Grunty’s screech was heard for a moment, but then dissipated. Chef Torte growled, scaling the length of the cabin to the cockpit. Inside, Genius Guy and Embert were dancing to the cool suspense music. “YOU FOOLS! Maria is failing, and you goof-ballz are slacking off. Get to verk! Our rumps need saving!”
Before he could say anything else, the image of Grunty, on her broom, chucking Whomp straight towards them, filled his mind.
Koopa Lean-To Ventilation System
Luigi stopped Stario at the next intersection. He sniffed. “No, wait, I’ve got an idea. Come this way!”
Stario nodded, hesitantly, and followed his brother down the shaft he, himself, wouldn’t have chosen. Halfway down, Luigi placed his nose to the metal flooring. “Ok, this is-a it. Do the Beak Bomb now!”
Stario scratched his head. “Don’t you mean the Ground Pound?”
“Oh… hehe… yeah.” They both used their rump and its collaboration with gravity to break the metal flooring, sending them crashing down into the room below. They landed in a cold liquid, water. “Good, the laboratory! Good thing we landed in Kammy’s beverage.” Luigi spotted a shelf marked “potions”. “Ok, let’s get over there!”
Stario grabbed a hold of Luigi and flew them both over to the bottom shelf. Luigi brushed himself off. “Ok, quick, find the bottle marked 'growth'; hopefully, there is one!”
Suddenly, Kamek and Kammy crashed into the room. “There they are! Kamek, blast them!”
The two brothers watched in horror as a stream of Magikoopa wand energy zoomed towards them. With a loud crash, the shelf exploded, sending magic potions everywhere. Luckily, the bottles were made of plastic, and they fell to the floor without breaking. “Good thing you’re so cheap, cousin,” Kammy grumbled and fell to her hands, searching for the mini-brothers.
Stario had already found the correct bottle and was attempting to smash it open. One final hit would’ve done it, but Kamek grasped him, pulling him up. “Ahh, not so tough when you’re small, eh Stario?”
Luigi ran from behind a potion bottle hiding place, giving the cracked growth bottle one final crane kick. As he crashed to the floor, a wave of purple liquid washed over his body, and he could feel himself growing taller, taller, taller…
Death Egg Inner Hall Way
Ryan-oshi, leaving a long trail of Badniks and Koopas behind, stopped abruptly, in terror, as a a pair of large, hulking Iron Knuckles stood in his path. They grunted unintelligibly, swinging their axes in unison. He took to the air, fluttering over their heads and landing behind them.
In another swift movement, he used his sticky tongue to try and grab one of their axes away, but the iron knuckle pulled with all its might back, lifting Ryan-oshi off the ground. He sailed through the air, landing right between the intimidating figures. “Er… I guess we can’t work this out, huh?” Their axes crashed down.
He turned himself into an egg, taking the full force of their blows. Rolling forward, he came out of his severely weakened shield, throwing a few eggs bomb at them. With minimal damage done to them, they both gave a grunt and approached slowly, their metal frames clinking ominously. These creeps just won’t give up!
Maria
Whomp tore through the cabin, forcing Chef Torte and Embert with him. Genius Guy, flailing, was sent flying upwards, a hair’s-width away from puncturing the balloon. Chef Torte grabbed his PAN OF PAIN and sent a few cluster bombs at Grunty. “Stupid chef, I’m losing power; Ganon pays me by the hour!”
Chef Torte, filled with fury at Maria’s injuries, jumped through the cockpit’s now-gone window, converging on Gruntilda. They collided with a mighty BANG, and they both plummeted towards the ground.
Another laser fire from the Death Egg sent Maria crashing towards the ground, and all chaos broke loose.
Death Egg Inner Hall Way
The Iron Knuckles’ next axe swings tore a hole in the adjacent hull, sucking all three of the combatants out into the wild blue yonder. Ryan-oshi tried to hang on but, eventually, he was pulled, flailing, into the sky’s boundless space.
A few yards away, Andross tore Chef Torte from Gruntilda, and they both headed back for the Death Egg. Chef Torte screamed as a flying Yoshi was headed right for him. “No, anyzhing but zhat!”
Southern Dinoland Sea
Maria, Ryan-oshi, and Chef Torte’s entire team plummeted to the ocean below. Swimming about, they all huddled close. “Chef Torte, I’ve been looking for you! Er… what was all that about?”
Chef Torte, trembling with fury, threw Whomp at him, but Ryan-oshi used his tongue to guide him elsewhere. “Did you kidnap the chancellor?”
Genius Guy was happy to oblige. “Oh, yes, we did! He got away though. Changling forgot to lock the Torte Copter’s doors.”
Chef Torte smashed him harder than ever over the head. “Yez, and zhen ve vere attacked by zhat vacko E-PEANUT organization. Zhey wouldn’t even let moi into zheir club!”
Ryan-oshi rolled his eyes at the wannabe villain. “Yeah, well, at least they think you’re dead. Yoshi’s Island is up ahead… so if you don’t mind…” Ryan-oshi took a quick picture of Chef Torte.
“AGGH! I’ve been blinded!”
Ryan-oshi swam back to shore.
Two hours later, Chef Torte and his Team of Terror were sitting atop Maria, her balloon still undamaged. Genius Guy got himself comfortable. “Changling, good thing you put that defense spell on it.”
Changling nodded. Chef Torte sniffled. “Oh, voe is me! Oh, sigh! Oh, boohoo! I hate moi’s life!”
The apprentice sniffled too. “Don’t say that, boss! I still love you!”
Chef Torte sent him reeling. “Yucko! Zhat reminds me. Yes! Zhe only zhing zhat Maria has had damaged vas her beautiful cabin. Ve can build anozeir one. In zhe meantime, all of you, tie a rope to yourselves and swim us to shore! I vill stay up here and supervise.”
Genius Guy tugged on his apron. “Can I help you su… supervise?” His face was smiling brightly and eagerly.
Chef Torte gave a wicked grin and pulled back his PAN OF PAIN for a final hit.
Mushroom Kingdom Royal Castle Dungeon
After a few moments of crawling, Peach came to a room full of bones and rotting flesh. Next, she heard a low whimper. She turned around to see her loyal servant, Toad, tied up! “Oh, Toad! I knew you wouldn’t betray us. That imposter! He’s ruined us for good!”
Toad thanked her after she untied him. “Don’t worry, Princess. Where is the rest of the army?”
Peach pointed to her cell. “In the other cells, but mine is blocked by bars, and they’re much stronger than really weak bricks.”
Toad nodded, pulling out his sword.
“Do you still have your frying pan? This might take awhile, but I think
it’ll work.”
Chapter Seven
Soshi Isle
Frenetic, Chef Torte whipped his LICORICE STICK OF PAIN in quantities that were unbelievable. A myriad of screams and sounds of displeasure came out of the mouths of his less-than-assiduous crew. “Put your backs into it! Maria must be done by tomorrow!”
Genius Guy’s voice came next, causing Chef Torte to jump in the air. “Yeah, hurry it up!”
Chef Torte whirled around to see Genius Guy dressed up in the same attire the enraged chef was in. He smiled up at Torte, looking for approval. Steam came out of Torte’s ears as he belted Genius Guy with a spatula. “GET BACK TO VERK!”
Genius Guy tumbled down a precipitous slope to the location of Maria’s rebuilding. After buying some really high-tech plans off of eBay, and making sure Genius Guy got nowhere near them, Maria was starting to look deadly. Two large missile launchers were located on either side. A swivel machine gun was attached underneath, and another one was on the aft side. Two chain guns were situated near the front. For protection, the cabin was made out of reinforced steel, painted to look like natural woodwork. The blimp itself was made flame retardant, and a special solution made by Magikoopas was also added, with the power to deflect multiple types of blasts.
Inside, an eclectic selection of luxuries was added. There were several televisions, along with a library of Oscar-winning favorites, and another library of cooking videos. The view port was protected with eight-inch thick glass, double what it was before. The control panel was outfitted with all the latest gadgetries, coffee holders, quick-touch panel, flip-over manual panel, and autopilot. Chef Torte smiled wickedly after it was all done. “No one vill eveir be able to stop us now. Zhey vill bow to zhe poweir of Maria, zhe Implacable!”
Koopa Kastle Overhang
Luigi, now normal size, cupped some of the growth potion in his hands and sprinkled it over his brother. Now, the plumbers were both finally back to normal. Kamek and Kammy jumped apart, fanning in for a fight. Stario fell into a battle stance, as did Luigi. In a split-second moment, Stario flew over the Magikoopas' heads, firing fireballs from behind, while Luigi fired them from the front. Kamek waved his wand in a circle, creating a temporary shield around himself. Kammy went on the offensive, firing a couple of blasts at Stario. Both of them went down.
Luigi rushed Kamek, but the shield, with a strong feeling of static shock, flung him backwards. Kamek laughed. Luigi knew, from experience, that the wizard couldn’t attack from inside his shield, but also, from experience, he noticed Kamek building up energy in one hand for when the shield dispelled. “Oh, that’s nice.”
Kamek laughed, and the shield dispelled. Luigi, knees already bent, dashed to the left. Kamek yelled, letting loose his blast. Luigi saw that the shot was going to miss him, but surprisingly, the blast split into three parts, and one of them got him.
Kamek smiled, one of his eyes raised in quizzical matter. “You actually thought that a regular blast that size would take me so long to build? A true hero would’ve known that it had to be something more.”
Kamek walked over, placing his hand over Luigi. “I must warn you; this is going to really hurt.”
Luigi closed his eyes helplessly, but he opened them after hearing a yelp of surprise and a crashing tumble. He first saw Stario standing up, rubbing his hands together. He looked around to see Kamek and Kammy tangled together, trying to recover. Luigi jumped up, dashing back to join Stario.
Luigi held up three fingers, and Stario nodded. It was one of their pre-set combo attacks. Stario spun around, his cape engendering a whirlwind. Luigi shot four fireballs, and they merged with the twister, spinning around it. The twister shot forward, picking up the two hapless Magikoopas. They screamed in pain as their cloaks were singed and they were hurled through the overhang’s complexities. The two brothers, carrying the battle, made a run for the exit.
Mushroom Kingdom Dungeon
Sparks flew for a final time, and a fourth bar was cut from Peach’s cell. Her pan was worn down, but it was still usable. “Good job, Toad! Let’s get out of here. We still have to sneak past the-”
“Help!”
Peach and Toad turned to see Crazykoopa in a cell. He was the only other one in that part of the dungeon. “Crazykoopa! I can’t believe they put you in here. Wait a minute. We’ll get you out.”
It was the work of another hour to get the innocent prisoner out. He stretched, understandably. “Thanks! It was getting lonely down here. What happened?”
Peach groaned. “Stario and Luigi are missing; Bowser did something with them. The Koopa Kids have now got these super powerful elemental wands. I bet that’s how they got the Mario Bros. We have to rescue the townspeople and escape.”
Crazykoopa looked around. “I’m not sure if that’s the best course of action. We could never sneak an entire town past the whole Koopa army. Besides, it’s dangerous.”
Peach reluctantly agreed. Toad looked for the exit. “That’s settled then. We’ll escape on our own, and we can probably actually do it. Once we get out, we go and find help. The nearest town with an army is Rose Town, but their's only consists of about fifty foot soldiers, and many of them are farmers that have barely been trained. What we need is the Mario Bros.”
Peach nodded. “Yes, but we’ll be of no help to them. They can take care of themselves, especially with most of Bowser’s army here. I don’t think he could’ve left that many back at the overhang.”
Toad headed for the stairs at the end of the hallway. “Enough chit-chat. Let’s get out of here! I know a secret passageway that can get us past the main hall. It leads straight to Kero Sewers.”
Yoshi’s Island, Dinoland
Ryan-oshi checked over his passport before handing it to the airport authorities. “Ryan-oshi, huh? You check out. There’s a plane boarding right now, so you’d better hurry up.”
Sitting on the plane, he checked over his photograph of Torte one last time, making sure he had the date set. It was unlikely they would believe it, but he had to get Crazykoopa out of jail. That’s when he remembered. He’d been so busy trying to solve the mystery of Crazykoopa’s imprisonment that he had forgotten about Stario and Luigi’s kidnapping. Bowser might have already attacked!
“Ryan-oshi, sir, we’d like you to come out and look at this.” A frazzled police Yoshi told him the news: the chancellor had landed at the helipad.
Ryan-oshi ran over, seeing the befuddled old Mushroomer answering some questions. He pushed them out of the way. “Chancellor! You’re ok!”
He let out a chuckle. “Of course I’m ok. It was no trouble to escape from that deranged chef and his two-bit Team of Te… Tourettes… or something.”
Ryan-oshi snapped his fingers. “So it was them!”
“What’re you talking about?”
“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you on the way to the Mushroom Kingdom.”
One of the police Yoshis tapped him on the shoulders. “Didn’t you hear? The Mushroom Kingdom’s been invaded. The entire town was enslaved.”
Ryan-oshi and the Chancellor ran for the plane. The Yoshi tried to keep up. “We just found out from some Parayoshis working for our delivery system. You don’t know how expensive those blue shells… er… sorry. Anyway, should I send them to Nimbus Land?”
“Yes, that’s a very good idea. The Mushroom Kingdom will need their help.”
The Chancellor stumbled, but Ryan-oshi steadied him. “Where are we going?”
Ryan-oshi grabbed the Mushroomer by the scruff of his neck, lifting him into the plane. “I’m taking you to a safe place. I’ve got work to do. The future of the Mushroom Kingdom is at stake!”
Mushroom Kingdom Royal Castle
Bowser nibbled lightly on his one-hundredth grape before throwing it down in disgust. The Mushroomer slave, trying to entertain the tyrannical despot with some juggling, fell back at the king’s displeasure. “This is boring! Send him back to the dungeon and bring back two of the toughest citizens you can find. It’s time we had a death-battle!”
All the people seated in the Grand Chamber erupted in applause and approving screams. He snapped his fingers and two guards hurried off to the dungeon. Now comes the real fun.
Mushroom Kingdom Dungeons
Toad, Crazykoopa, and Peach were rushing up the last set of stairs before they reached the movable wall, the secret exit. Coming down the opposite set of stairs, the ones that came down from the Grand Chamber, were two guards. They laughed menacingly, opening a cell. Roughly, they grabbed two strong Mushroomers by the arm and threw them out. “Get on your feet! You guys have to fight to the death!”
One of them coughed. “We are friends. We will never do that!”
One of the guards threw his head back and laughed. “That’s going to be fun too. Unwilling participants die by a much more horrible way.”
As they were prodded upstairs, Peach looked on in horror. Toad tried to calm her, but she wouldn’t have it. “No! We can’t let that happen. We have to save them!”
“Princess, even if we were to save them and get away with our lives, Bowser would kill twice as many just to spite us. Our only hope is to get more help.”
Peach sighed. “Let’s at least rescue some more strong Mushroomers and Koopas. We can afford to carry six more out, right?”
Toad nodded reluctantly. “Ok, fine.”
Soshi Isle
The entire Team of Terror, excepting Whomp, who was tied up outside, sat around a pentagonal table. “Ok, eveiryone, zhis ist official meeting. Vhat ist zhe next zhing ve are going to do?”
Genius Guy’s head barely stood above the table. The chairs didn’t help any. “Why is the table pentagonal? Can’t it be round? Oh, oh! No, how about triangular?”
Chef Torte flung his PAN OF PAIN at him, and he fell to the ground. “Anyvone else?”
Changling gulped. “Now that we have the newly outfitted zeppelin-”
Chef Torte ground his teeth. “Zhe name ist, Maria!”
“Yes, Maria. Now that it… she is fully stocked with the latest in zeppelin apparel, perhaps we should fly around the Mushroom Kingdom, giving towns little warning shots. You know, to show them our power.”
Embert whined. “But I don’t want to hurt anybody! That’s wrong!”
Chef Torte rolled his eyes. “Vell, zhen you can stay behind and watch zhe base.”
Changling leaned over. “If you don’t mind, sir, I advise against that. Remember what happened the last time we left Embert here by himself?”
“Speak no more of zhis! You dare challenge your leader’s decision? Moi’s plans alwvays verk.”
Genius Guy got back up. “I say we build a giant mechanized Yoshi, and devastate the world!”
Everyone stared at him blankly. “NO!”
“Zhat zettles it zhen. Ve vill attack zhe Mushroom Kingdom! Maria, zhe Implacable, she vill vin zhe day!”
About that time, Whomp came in, crashing the table. “Whomp done playing rope game. Tell Whomp secrets!”
“ZHAT'S IT! YOU”RE GOING TO GET IT ZHIS TIME!”
Chapter Eight
Mushroom Kingdom Skies, on route to Mushroom Village
The day’s events had moved too quickly for Ryan-oshi to comprehend. It was hard for him to imagine that it was only around 24 hours ago, during the night, that Bowser had supposedly finally succeeded in completely controlling the brilliant Mushroom Kingdom capital. He probably hadn’t completely controlled it, though. Judging by past experiences with the none-too-bright reptilian king, Bowser should’ve left several roads open, easily allowing for a counter-invasion. No matter what the situation, however, Ryan-oshi knew his current plan, fueled by emotions mostly, would never work.
He leaned out of his chair, yelling into the cockpit. “Change of plan. Land in Rose Town.”
The pilot waited and then called back. “You do know that there isn’t exactly an official airport in Rose Town, right, sir?”
“Yes, but you must also remember, Mr. Pilot, that this is royal business, and your payment will be matchless.” Ryan-oshi smiled when there was no reply.
The Chancellor tapped the anxious Yoshi on the shoulder. “Excuse me, mister… Ryan-oshi?”
Ryan-oshi sighed. Like most humanoids, the Chancellor pronounced his name as one would a human addressing another human named “Ryan”. “Actually, you would pronounce it, in human terms, more like ‘Ian-oshi’.”
“Yes, sorry… er… sir. Anyway, wouldn’t it be more wise to contact the princess first?”
“The princess and everyone else are probably locked away in the dungeon. I doubt that-”
“Something wrong, Master Ryan-oshi?”
“I just remembered, that means they’re with Crazykoopa. My entire venture was for not. I hate wasted time; still, it was unavoidable. Our only chance now is to meet up with any willing, combat-specialists that wish to help me rescue Stario and Luigi. Then, we can take care of those Koopalings and their dad. I should’ve gone for them in the first place. Omnipotence would make things a whole lot more efficient for me.”
The Chancellor’s mustache furled. “You must wonder. What if trying to rescue them is another lost cause? They’ve been known to get themselves out of trouble.”
Ryan-oshi didn’t say anything, as another air updraft jilted the plane, but the Chancellor’s last thought actually had some sense to it. “We’ll see. Things always have a way of working out.” He looked at the pendant, gold and closed, that he always wore around his neck. “They always do.”
An hour later, the overhead intercom crackled to life. “Chancellor, Master Ryan-oshi, we’re approaching a possible landing spot. You approve?”
Ryan-oshi looked out of his side, circular window, peering through the quickly diminishing clouds. Below, a long, flat stretch of farming grounds showed itself. Near the middle was an exceptionally wide dirt road. Perfect. “Yes, that’ll do nicely. Proceed.”
Ryan-oshi looked over to the Chancellor, feeling the engine whine under the strain of landing. His eyes widened when he saw the old Mushroomer wasn’t there. “Uh, Chancellor? Chancellor?”
The short being stepped out of a room in the back, the plane’s only restroom. “It’s nice to wet your… what?”
“Chancellor, please sit-”
The plane bounced. Once. Twice. Three times.
The Chancellor flew into the air, soaring across the cabin. Ryan-oshi followed him, sticking out his tongue and placing him back in the seat. He couldn’t believe this was the same Mushroomer that had just made sense a few moments ago. He recoiled his tongue. “All right?”
“Of course, Master Tongue Wielder. I’m one for adventure every now and then, too.”
Mushroom Royal Castle Throne Room
A violent, air-shattering roar vibrated and shook the entire castle. Almost every Koopa guard, except for a few whose hearing had been damaged in Bowser’s continuous military campaigns, threw themselves on the ground, cringing, their eyes shut. Near Bowser’s side, Kamek was still. “What do you mean the princess escaped? Was that all?”
The terrified messenger stood up. He gulped, audibly, and he could feel his undershorts dampening. “Well, she also took six Mushroomers with her. The other prisoners would not talk!”
Bowser smiled. It was even worse than the roar. “And who was the dungeon keeper at that hour?”
The messenger’s life flew before his eyes. He knew he was the keeper. He knew he was asleep at that time. He knew, by the look that was inevitably in his eyes, that Bowser knew it too. He knew he was going to die. Knowing all that, he ran.
Bowser growled, opening his mouth. A large stream of fire flew out, enveloping the fleeing Koopa. Everyone screamed, excepting Kamek, who watched placidly. When the fires receded, all that remained of the unfortunate soldier was a pile of ash. It was spreading across the wine-stained red carpet. “Kamek, get someone to clean that mess up. The carpet’s already dirty enough.”
Kamek nodded, signaling two soldiers over with his claw. “Consider it done, mi’lord. But what about a replacement?”
“Have we-”
“Yes, unfortunately, your free credit at Rent-A-Baddie has run out.”
“Remind me to switch to the platinum Koopa card.”
“You weren’t approved, sir.”
“Stupid fascists.”
The Death Egg, Location Unknown
“Don’t fear death, Snifit 2. In death, you’re far stronger than ever before.” Ganon smiled, his nose and eyes adding to the effect. Snifit 2, after delivering the message that some of Gruntilda’s flying monkeys (what?) had spotted a heavily-armed, heavily-defended, and heavily funked-out Maria traveling the skies once again, was now hanging by a steel-made rope, suspended over a boiling pool of acid. The clever trap, ironically designed by Snifit 2 himself, was in the middle of the bridge, used for quickly executing useless POWs as Ganon interrogated them.
The rest of E-PEANUT had been sent elsewhere. Only the two super-villains remained in the room. “Don’t pretend like I don’t know of your popularity around here. I know the other members adore you.”
Meanwhile…
Dr. Eggman had set up a viewing glass above the bridge, in Wart’s room. Fortunately, the super loyal frog was belted over the head with a lamp and then bound in a closet. Andross’ floating head reeled back in laughter. “Absolutely genius, Dr. Robotnik. How ever did you do this?”
“Because you told me so, Fox Boy. Now Sonic will die, and I have all seven Chaos emeralds.”
King Dedede leaned to Gruntilda. “Quack, quack, quack. Hahahaha!”
Gruntilda kicked him aside. “Stupid duck, your laugh is disturbing, do it again and you’ll suffer my burping.”
Smithy quieted them with his finger. “Quiet! All of you!” His voice lowered to a whisper. “They are approaching the Tyrannosaurus paddock.”
Andross narrowed his eyes. “I think the shows fixing to begin. I always hated that loser Snifit 2. Now the boss’ favorite is his… least favorite… thing… um… just watch, ok!”
Gruntilda cackled. “Yes, that annoying twit, my blood he’s churned, now I get to see him burn!”
Wart crashed through the closet, his tongue flailing madly, sending spittle everywhere. “JAVA!”
Back on the Bridge…
Snifit 2’s head rested a mere foot over the acid before he called out. “Wait, sir!”
Ganon, his back turned, grinned. He knew his right hand Snifit would not let him down. He turned, his eyes first pivoting around in an inquisitive fashion. The next word came out slowly. “Yes?”
Snifit 2 was breathing heavily. “I think I have a way to stop Chef Torte for good.”
Ganon nodded, stopping the rope, but he did not raise it any higher. “Continue.”
“Torte’s one weakness is his pride in his cooking abilities.”
Ganon laughed. “I can think of many others.”
“Yes, but his greatest one is culinary-related. If we can find some way to utilize that, I’ll bet we can-”
Ganon sighed. “Not good enough. I’m afraid we need an idea now.” He turned the lowering mechanism back on.
“I can find out! Please, sir, no!”
Ganon stopped it, raising it back to the top. Snifit 2 breathed out. “Quickly.”
“Yes, sir. Of course, sir.”
Suddenly, Wart crashed in, spittle covering everything. Eggman and Andross fell through the roof, and mass chaos ensued. Gruntilda was chasing Wart. “Stupid frog, your days are numbered, I’ll turn you into a rotten cucumber.”
Ganon groaned and walked swiftly to his personal quarters for some much needed rest as Snifit 2 tried to calm the others.
Kero Sewers
Peach led the way, her dress, fortunately given back to her before she was thrown into the dungeon, tucked up over her knees. Still, her entire ensemble was covered in grimy sewer water from top to bottom. Crazykoopa, Toad, and six other bulky, rough-looking Mushroomers kept up behind her, looking back to make sure no one was following them. She was thankful they had all made it this far without being noticed. There’s no telling what he did to that lazy dungeon keeper, she thought. It’s undoubtedly much worse than the “a day’s cut in pay” I reluctantly would’ve given. She knew she couldn’t worry about such matters now. They were the enemy, and that was all there was to it.
Crazykoopa called out. “Your Highness, it’s safe to take a break now. We are not being followed. He and Toad, followed by the other Mushroomers, sat down on a ledge lining the river of sewer water they had been splashing through.
Peach nodded, sitting down. “Thank goodness. It’s arduously difficult running in high heels.”
Toad’s eyes widened. “You’ve been running in…”
She nodded, smiling. “You get used to it, but it’s still no walk in the park.”
Peach noticed the other Mushroomers kept to themselves, whispering quietly. It made her feel bad that her kingdom had caused such a separation between classes. There shouldn’t be any classes; a parliamentary monarchy, with her, the acting “monarchy”, more of a diplomat, had always been the government choice of the Mushroom Kingdom. The only successful full-blown democracy she could think of was the far-away Tropacine Isles. Still, it was only in the past two hundred years or so that they had fully joined as one. She was pretty sure they had been a democracy in separate groups before then. She couldn’t help thinking that democracy was what had caused the initial split, but that was only her premature fear. That’s another discussion topic to think about next time I see Ryan-oshi. He’s always so hard to talk to.
She turned to the Koopa beside her. “Crazykoopa, I forgot to apologize for what happened. I should’ve done more. I still don’t even know who that imposter is. Probably someone like that Changling freak that used to work for Bowser.”
He waved it away. “No problem. It was… er… fun being locked up in a cold, damp, sometimes airless dungeon.”
Toad nodded, “Yeah, and I’m sorry for locking you up in the first place.”
They all laughed. “Seriously, though,” said Peach. “It bothers me that it was that easy for Bowser, or probably Kamek and Kammy, I should say, to pull off such a coup without too much trouble. We would have stood a much greater chance if we had identified that imposter, even though Stario and Luigi were gone.”
Toad considered that. “Still, those new wands the Koopalings have might’ve done us in. Perhaps it was destiny that we were captured and able to escape.”
Peach knew her loyal attendant was just trying to make her feel better, and possibly cover up a few of his own errs, but he still made quite a bit of sense.
Her ears wiggled when she heard the distinctive sound of… splashing water. Crazykoopa jumped up. “Did you hear…”
Crazykoopa nodded. “Yeah, let’s go.” He turned to the rest. “Break time's over. We have to get to the Midas River and fast. The amusement ride owner there is a friend of mine. He’ll lend us a boat so we can hide out at Tadpole Pond.”
They continued on, into the darkness.
Maria, on route to The Mushroom Village
Chef Torte stood proudly, his hands cupped in a military fashion. His eyes scanned the ground below him. The rolling plains and crops of fresh fruits and vegetables would soon be his. His cape furled, blowing back and forth, compliments of the giant, industrial-sized fan from Lowe’s he had Genius Guy set up for some nice power-effects. Suddenly, he felt the breeze turn into a wind storm and he blew forward, smacking into the several inch-thick viewport, slumping to the ground with his cape over his eyes. He lifted it up, seeing Genius Guy standing in front of him.
The over-eager servant of his had a tourist’s Hawaiian shirt on. His new hat was brown with several fishing bait items and hooks lined up in the band. A camera strap wrapped around his neck, and the actual camera was in his hands. “That’s perfect! Now say, WISHAPOW!”
Chef Torte hopped up, steam flowing from his ears. “Genius Guy, you are really going to get it zhis time!”
Genius Guy dropped the camera, and the flash went off. He had put nuclear-powered Super Batteries in them.
Chef Torte flew back, completely, and fortunately temporarily, blinded. “You stupid guy. Vonce I find you, ooh, ist going to be PAN OF PAIN time to zhe max.”
He heard Genius Guy laughing. “Not if you can’t find me!”
He felt himself being kicked in the stomach. “Haha, I win!”
“GENIUS GUY!”
The next voice he heard was Changling’s. “Sir, er… oh, yeah. Master Chef Torte, Our Supreme, Omnipotent Leader Slash Potentate, As Well As A Super And Just Darn-Right Groovylicious Guy, And Also The Master Of Evil and Culinary Arts, I… um… I…”
“Yes, vell, spit it out! I’m blind here!”
“Er… I forgot. Your title’s too long.”
“Zhen juzt don’t say it next time!”
“Oh, yeah, now I remember. We got a fax from the Death Egg saying, ‘Haha, we’re going to whoop up on you. Whoop, Den-nice, YEAH! Whoop, Den-nice, YEAH!’”
Chapter Nine
Maria, Mushroom Kingdom Skies
Chef Torte pumped his legs, racing into the cockpit. Inside, Whomp was tied up in the co-pilot’s chair, and Embert’s flames danced across the control board. “Hurry, Embert. Battle mode!”
Changling sighed. “Déjà vu.”
Chef Torte’s breath hissed through his teeth. “Yes! Transport all zhe auxiliary power to zhe frontal veapon batteries. Let’s blazt zhem!”
Embert suited the command into action, and a loud mechanical groan overtook the zeppelin. “Maria, she ist preparing! Listen to her poweir.”
Genius Guy tugged on Torte’s apron. “Er, I don’t hear anything. Should it sound like a duck quacking?”
“Shut up, Genius Guy.”
Changling jumped in the co-pilot’s chair. “Get Genius Guy to move Whomp wherever our balance starts to fail. It looks like they're going to use Maria’s reliance on wind against us!”
Chef Torte growled. “Did you hear zhat, Genius Guy?” Genius Guy was dancing. “Vhy do you feel zhe need to dance vhen danger knocks upon our door?”
The Juggernaut’s Bridge
The captain of the Juggernaut, the only other flying vessel in E-PEANUT’s army, was a diminutive Goomba, as small as they come. Bred to fight, Hya tensed himself when the infamous zeppelin made itself visible. “Steady the aft flank. Transport all power to forward shields. They’re going to strike.”
Hya watched the movements of the zeppelin, swaying back and forth. “Wait a minute, terminate that last order. Feed every last drop of the main power except that which is keeping us airborne to the back-up fans.”
“But, sir, those are if the propulsion units give out! What good will they do us?” asked an anxious officer.
“Make sure they’re facing the opposite direction. You’ll see soon enough.” He smiled as the mechanical whir of the fans’ realignment filled his senses.
Maria
Chef Torte looked on in confusion as the back-up fans of their attacker were revealed, and then turned backwards, meaning the direction of the wind would go towards them. “Zhey’ve abandoned all poweir and put out zhe back-up bladez? Vhat in zhe… oh, no.”
Embert didn’t even look up. “What?”
It was too late; the blades started up. A blast of raging wind caught the zeppelin, sending it up and back. Quickly. “Aggh!” Chef Torte screamed as he was thrown back into the cabin, hitting harshly against the very back window. “Good zhing I installed tough glass.” He looked up to see Embert and Changling correcting the change. Genius Guy had Whomp tied to a rope near the front, and then let him go. And he was falling. “Uh oh. Zhis von’t end vell.”
Whomp hit Torte head on, smashing the extra-thick glass behind him. Down Whomp went, plummeting towards the ground. Chef Torte’s right hand went up, catching the side of the window. Broken glass shards stuck into his hand, making him wince. “Zhese battle scenes neveir verk. Ist time for action!”
He swung back into the cabin, now leveling off. Genius Guy was panicking. “What about Whomp? He’s my best friend!”
Chef Torte picked the shards out of his hand. “Calm down. Vhomp ist invincible. I don’t zhink he can die. Now, no more of zhis. Get back to verk!”
Embert whined. “Sir, they’re sending out mini-fighters! Five of them.”
“Do ve haf any?”
Changling nodded. “Yeah, but only two.”
Chef Torte grabbed Genius Guy. “Come on. Ve’ve got to keep zhose fighters off Maria!”
Juggernaut
“Blast! Why did the wind stop? Where’s our power?” Hya was blazing mad. This wasn’t the time for technical difficulties to show their ugly head. “Where’s the head technician?”
Officers were running all over the bridge, slipping on the metal tiles and carrying armfuls of papers and status reports. “They’ve sent out counter-fighters. Get our power back online before they figure out that we’re as vulnerable as butter under a hail of boiling metal.”
Mushroom Kingdom Skies
Chef Torte wiggled his hindquarters, trying to get used to the small fighters cramped cockpit. He fiddled with the joystick. “Buddy-up, Genius Guy. Protect my rear. Moi’s going to attack zheir underside. Genius Guy? Vhere did he go?”
Ahead of Torte, three fighters zoomed in, guns ablaze. He fired a quick stutter blast, but they barreled to the left, right, and up. “Curses! Ok, you asked for it. I’m going to blow you out of zhe sky.”
He pulled the joystick up, feeling his stomach rise into his head. “Voa! Zhat’s intense.” Correcting his spin, he came out facing the backsides of his attackers. He thumbed the speed boost on and switched the communications unit back to the zeppelin. “Zhis ist Chef Torte. Vould you mind taking care of a few of zhese?”
The returned reply was someone snoring. “EMBEIRT! VAKE UP!”
Embert’s voice came back over, drowsy. “I’m up, I’m up. Chef Torte, what’re you… AGGH! We’re in a battle.”
Chef Torte slammed the control panel. “Juzt verk on zhose ozeir fighters. I’ll destroy a few, but zhen I haf to find zhat Genius Guy.”
“Affirmative.” The com clicked off.
Chef Torte growled and readied his index finger over the trigger button. He waited for the radar system to lock in on the first one and… BAM! The gunfire was followed by a bright, yellow explosion ripping across the sky. A warning light blinked, so he banked left, hard. “Zhat explosion veakened my shields. I’ve got to be more careful.”
He looked ahead to see that the other two fighters had split up, so he followed the left one, whose destination came closest to the battleship. “Zhink you can destroy Maria, eh? Vell, eat zhis!”
The gunfire tore through the shields, ripping into the hull. He rolled right as black, thick smoke filled his view port. Looking down, he saw the doomed craft spiraling out of control and then crashing into a hillside with a magnificent explosion. “Ok, time for zhe mozeirship!”
Changling’s voice crackled over the com unit. “Don’t attack the battleship! I repeat, do not attack.”
Chef Torte narrowed his eyes. “Vhy not? Ist zhis a joke?”
Maria
Changling blew through his teeth. “No, sir. Genius Guy has docked with them. He’s trying to hijack their ship. It’s a daring and clever plan.”
Chef Torte paused for a few moments. “Genius Guy? Clever? Daring? Vow, zhat’s cool. Um… I’ll coveir out heir. No, vait, betteir yet, I’ll dock and help him. Make sure zhose ozeir fighters don’t blast me.”
Changling smiled. “Will do.”
Mushroom Kingdom Skies
Chef Torte docked with the ship, easily maneuvering past the belly’s only gun turrent. Inside, he saw two other empty fighters, one obviously belonging to Genius Guy. He hopped out, hitting the ground with a click; running swiftly to the turbo lift, he slammed right into Genius Guy, who was dancing with a red Lucy wig on. Several Badniks lay deactivated around him. “Genius Guy! Vhat in zhe… oh, neveirmind. Follow me.”
Chef Torte chucked a whining Genius Guy into the turbo lift and hopped in as a blaze of laser fire caught the doors. “I hope zhose robot guards don’t take oveir our beautiful fighterz.”
Genius Guy had make-up running down his face. “Ricky, why can’t I be in the show?”
The turbo lift opened on the wrong floor. Ten Badniks, armed to the teeth with blades and guns, awaited them. “Oh, you vant to be in zhe show? Here!” Chef Torte threw him into the chaos, slamming the turbo lift door shut. “Ok, next floor.”
The turbo lift opened again, this time into an empty hallway. He ran out, racing past all the side doors, finally coming to one large one, and, not surprisingly, it was locked. “Zhat figures. Hmm, perhaps moi should knock?” He rapped on the door three times. “Oh, little baddies, let me in.”
Frightened voices came back. “Not by the hair on our chinny chin chins.”
Chef Torte jumped back. “Vhat? Now zhat’s odd. I vonder if zhere’s a chimney…” He looked outside on a window to the right. “Hmm…”
It was the work of five more minutes before the stupid, I mean brave, chef was climbing on top of the battleship, banging on the hull over where the bridge should’ve been. “Perhaps zhis vas a bad idea.”
Suddenly, Lemmy crashed down through the hull, opening a hole into the bridge. Chef Torte flew back, barely grabbing on to a metal escarpment. “Vow! Talk about coincidence.”
Embert’s voice came over his hand-held com unit. “What in the world was that?”
Chef Torte noticed his voice was more than a little shaky. “I might be mistaken, but I zhink it vas Lemmy. I’ll go check it out.” He holstered his com unit and jumped through the hole.
Inside, mass chaos was happening, despite the fact that a Koopaling had crashed through. Lemmy was, amazingly, still alive and walking around dizzedly. Chef Torte pushed a button on his PAN OF PAIN. The handle narrowed and lengthened into a sharp point, and the pan part closed around his left hand. “Zhere ve go. Zhe SWORD OF PAIN!”
Next, he spotted a Goomba shouting orders. “Ok, the power’s back on; fire… ack!”
Chef Torte had his sword point pressed against the Goomba’s head. “Ist oveir. Chef Torte vins zhe day. Poweir down she veaponry.”
“Hey, I’m taking this ship, not you!” Chef Torte grunted as Lemmy’s scaly body slammed into him, knocking all three of them to the ground in a ball of confusion. Chef Torte threw his arms this way and that, trying to land a hit, but it seemed like he got hit more times than he scored a punch. He finally got loose, coming up. Lemmy had the sword, and the Goomba and Torte were backed against a wall. “Hehehe, I win! Won’t King Dad be proud when I add a battleship to his collection!”
Chef Torte brought up one finger. “Er, Lemmy? Before you skewer us, vould you mind juzt telling moi… HOW DID YOU SURVIVE?!”
Suddenly, the lights dimmed, and a group of children dressed up in formalwear entered the room, with candles and bright, singing faces. Lemmy smiled, patting them on the heads. “That’s right. Gather around kiddies, as I impart onto you my tale of woe. You see, I was blown so high and so fast, the continuous burning oxygen from the rocket fueled my lungs. After I approached a speed faster than any living thing can go, sort of the opposite of absolute zero if speed were temperature, a bubble of life-giving stuff formed around me like an embryo.”
Chef Torte’s eyes narrowed. “Zhat’s a bunch of lies.” The kiddies pelted him with iron knuckles. “Ow, stop zhat you deranged youths!”
Lemmy continued. “Anyway, after that, I was sucked into a giant, totally random wormhole, and deposited here. It’s a miraculous story. Because of it, I’m going to become a traveling charismatic and convert millions of people to Lemmynism.”
One of the kid’s grinned. “Really?”
“Nah, not really.” Lemmy picked up the kids and tossed them out of the bridge. “Ok, Chef Torte… eh, where did he-”
Lemmy felt himself being lifted up and tossed through the view port. “Aggh!”
Chef Torte ran the Goomba captain through as he tried to escape, and then Genius Guy came in. Suddenly, the entire crew bowed. “Oh, it is a Shy Guy, our eternal master! We follow you anywhere.”
Chef Torte grinned. “Excellent. Genius Guy, get oveir heir. You’ve juzt become useful.”
And so it was that Chef Torte added another ship to his now small fleet, and gained competent crewmembers. Things are really looking up for him now. Don’t worry though. Things will, as always, come crashing back down near the end.