"Surrender or die!" Ludwig commanded, flanked by soldiers on either side as he pursued Iggy down the sterile corridor of his starship.
"Never!" Iggy cried over his shoulder, ducking to evade a laser blast.
"I command your entire starship and I've got most of your troops hostage back on your homeworld. You have nothing left, Iggy," his older brother stated reasonably. "Don't make me have to destroy you."
"Destroy me?! HA! That'll be the day!" the wirey Koopaling taunted as he slammed into a ladder and began to wildly climb it. He had one chance left... if he could just get to the hatch up above...
Iggy cried out and ducked as a bullet twanged off of one of the ladder rungs before clambering up the last couple of rungs and wildly twisting open a valve, opening a door that led into a small closet-sized space in the ceiling. As he ducked inside, he immediately heard footsteps on the ladder below him and before long, Ludwig was in the hidden room with him as well.
"What is this?! I didn't see this on your ship's layout!" Ludwig growled, outraged.
"That's because it's not ON my layout!" Iggy replied, hurrying across the room and placing both hands on a large red button. Ludwig's eyes widened as he recognized it as the ship's self-destruct mechanism.
"You can't do that! You'll destroy your entire ship!" Ludwig choked.
"Yeah, with you and your whole army
on it! REMEMBER THE ALAMO!!!" he shrieked, slamming both fists down on
the button. "I WIN!!! AHAHAHAA!!! I WIN!!!" he cried as the ship blew apart
into thousands of pieces of flaming destruction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ludwig threw down his controller and glared at his younger brother, who was raptly watching the scores tally up on the TV screen in front of them. When they had finished, Iggy's team had come up as clearly the victor.
"YESSS!!! I completely own your people, AND Loserworld!" he taunted, doing a little dance of jubilation on the couch.
"It's not Loserworld, it's PipeWorld," Ludwig sighed, picking up his can of soda.
"And SUCH a creative name," Iggy taunted. "Please... even I came up with Greater Bertha instead of something lame like GiantWorld."
"Last I checked," the eldest Koopaling countered, "this was a war strategy game. I purposely didn't agonize over my planet's name because it didn't matter."
"And you still lost," Iggy pointed out. Ludwig said nothing and tilted his soda can back, taking a drink.
Iggy and Ludwig were both eating sandwiches made with some expired turkey slices they had found in the back of the fridge when they had gone to make lunch and found the available foodstuffs to be limited. It was part of a game that the male Koopalings had come up with awhile ago known as Expiration Date, and the object was to see who could successfully eat and keep down the occupants of the fridge that were furthest past their final day of freshness. Being that neither Bowser or Clawdia went shopping very often, it was one of the most effective ways to keep themselves fed, although it had its drawbacks. Two months ago, a spoiled container of ricotta cheese had nearly killed Lemmy.
"Anyway, it doesn't matter if you destroyed my army or not," Ludwig muttered off-handedly, setting the can aside. "My planet's atmosphere is poisonous to your inhabiting crew," Iggy nearly choked on the bite of sandwich he had been in the process of swallowing.
"What?!" he squeaked. "No it's not!"
"Check the stats," Ludwig suggested, a glint of impishness in his eyes. Iggy frantically hit a few buttons on the controller to bring up the atmospheric data on PipeWorld. It was true! The air was made of poisonous gas and Iggy's entire crew had ten minutes left to live!
"That's not fair!" Iggy protested.
"Take it up with the management," Ludwig suggested, grinning. Suddenly, and without warning, he lunged at his younger brother, catching him easily in a headlock and digging his knuckles into the younger Koopaling's scalp.
"Oww! Cut it out!" Iggy growled, trying to get away as he was noogied.
"Say it," Ludwig replied. "Say I'm better at Intergalactic Warfare than you are."
"NEVER!" he wailed, twisting in Ludwig's grip and wrestling with his older sibling. As Ludwig tried to regain his hold on Iggy, he kicked out with one foot, upsetting his soda can and sending it clattering to the floor in a puddle of fizzing liquid.
"Now look what you did!" Ludwig cried.
"I did?" Iggy demanded. "You're the stupidnik that kicked it over!"
"You made me give you noogies," he shot back. "This wouldn't have happened otherwise."
"Oh yeah?!" Iggy snarled, getting to his feet and leering.
"Correct," Ludwig stated, standing up as well and assuming a fighting stance. As the two brothers began to circle one another, ready to fight, they were suddenly interrupted by a shrill scream from the hallway.
"That sounded like Wendy!" Iggy stated, eyes flying wide and his anger completely forgotten.
"Probably broke a nail," Ludwig sighed as they both broke into a brisk trot toward the sound of the cry.
"AUUGHH!! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!!!" the voice wailed. Yes, definitely Wendy. As they both skidded to a halt in front of the bathroom, Ludwig's jaw dropped. The bathroom was in utter shambles. Wads of wet toilet paper clung to the ceiling and walls, the towels were rumpled and on the floor, toothpaste covered the mirror, and the sink was a catastrophe of spilled mouthwash, obliterated cosmetics, and uncapped deodorant sticks that had been used to draw on the basin. Amidst the carnage was Wendy, armed with a can of aerosol disinfectant spray and wildly spritzing at the various messes, looking like she didn't know where to begin.
"... Holy mother of Plit...." Ludwig managed, his eyes looking like they were about to bug out of his head.
"Looks nice, huh?" Iggy asked, looking proud of himself. Upon hearing this, Wendy whirled on her heel and glared at her brother.
"I can't BELIEVE you would just leave the bathroom like this!" she bellowed, aiming the can of air freshener at him.
"Whoa! Watch it! You'll put somebody's eye out with that!" Iggy giggled, dodging a cloud of lemon-smelling spray. Wendy stood rigidly, shaking all over.
"This is unforgiveable, you pig! You didn't even put the seat down!"
"Well, dear sister, the way I see it... why should I have to put the seat down for you when you won't even consider putting it back up for the other seven guys that live here?" Iggy inquired innocently before turning to Ludwig. "Figures. They wanna be completely independant, but they still expect men to hold doors open for 'em."
"Come off it, Iggy, when's the last time you held a door open for anybody?" Ludwig sighed, rolling his eyes. "If memory serves, Karma's still holding a grudge about the time you slammed one on her tail."
"HAH! That was great!" Iggy laughed, recalling when he'd tried to close the door to the rec room in the Yoshikoopa's face, but had been a moment too late and had gotten her tail instead. Karma had refused to speak to him since and that had been the best part of all.
"Wendy, why don't you just use the bathroom in the basement?" Ludwig questioned, ignoring Iggy's laughter.
"Because there's no shower in that one, brainiac!" she shot back.
"No... it's because she's afraid of the dark," Iggy grinned. "And she can't go down there without somebody holding her hand. She's afwaid of da big scawy spiders," he added, his voice taking on a babyish tone.
"I've still got to get a shower, put on my makeup, and get to an important appointment at the mall, and thanks to you I'm GONNA BE LATE!!!" Wendy screeched, throwing the can of cleaner to the ground and storming out past her brothers, giving both of them a shove as she went. "I'm telling King Dad, you four-eyed weasel!" she added over her shoulder as she left.
Once she was gone, Iggy rushed into the bathroom and leapt with cat-like grace onto the closed lid of the toilet. "ALL HAIL THE KING OF THE BATHROOM!!!" he declared.
"I'd calm down if I were you," Ludwig advised, crossing his arms over his chest critically. "Wendy seemed pretty upset."
"She's jealous, that's all," Iggy smirked victoriously. "She knows her pathetic cleaning powers can't compete with a true mess-maker! I AM... THE MASTER!!!" As he delivered the last line, Iggy leapt into the air and came down hard on the toilet lid for emphasis. What transpired next happened so fast that neither Ludwig or Iggy fully saw it. There was a tremendous crack and the next thing Iggy knew, he was sliding across the bathroom floor and had clunked his head against the base of the tub.
"Ow..." the bespectacled Koopaling remarked, rubbing his forehead. "What happened?"
"You idiot! You just broke the toilet!" Ludwig gasped, pointing. As Iggy followed his brother's gaze, he felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. The toilet wasn't only broken, it was tilting at a weird angle and water was pouring from a large crack in the bowl, covering the floor.
"Oh, snap!" Iggy cursed, leaping to his feet. "What do we do?!"
"Hrrmm... I think I have a roll of waterproof tape in my laboratory..." Ludwig said thoughtfully, watching the water flow across the tiles, forming a small lake in the bathroom.
"Great! Go get it!" Iggy cried, grabbing the towels and trying in vain to sop up some of the water with them.
"First you have to say something," Ludwig smirked.
"Fine, anything!"
"Who's the master of Intergalactic Warfare?"
"I am. Now go get the tape!"
"Who's the master?" Ludwig repeated, not budging and watching idly as the water easily soaked both towels and was still coming. Iggy, realizing he was in a bind, sighed.
"Fine. You're the master of Intergalactic Warfare. You're the best starship captain this galaxy has ever seen. NOW GO GET THE FRIGGIN' TAPE!" Ludwig, seeming satisfied with this answer, turned and disappeared, closing the door behind him. Master of Intergalactic Warfare... hmph, that was a laugh, Iggy thought bitterly as he opened the under-sink cabinet and began showering the floor in washclothes and towels. When he ran out of those, he began to throw rolls of toilet paper on the floor.
As it got wet, Iggy realized that it looked kind of like skin and picked up a few pieces, placing them on his face and looking at himself in the mirror. "Rarrrr... you have disturbed the mummy's tomb. Now you must suffer my curse!" he growled at his reflection. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
"Iggy?! What're you doing in there? Let me in!" Wendy's voice commanded. "I left my lipstick on the sink!"
"Wendy! No! Don't come in here, I'm... uh... I'm sick!" he called back, quickly trying to improvise some sound effects to go with it. "Bleeahhhh... blaauughh!"
"Sick? You weren't sick a few minutes ago... except in the head, but that's an ongoing condition."
"I dunno... ugghhh... I think it was the turkey..." he wheezed.
"I told you morons you shouldn't eat the junk you found in the fridge," she lectured. Iggy continued making sick noises, hoping to play on her sympathy. Or could it be that Wendy, his own flesh and blood, was completely heartless? "Do you want me to get you something?" she relented at last.
"No... I sent Ludwig to go get some stomach medicine from Doctor Korai in the west wing," he lied.
"Are you sure you don't need any help?"
"Bleeahhhh... no... no, it's really gross in here right now. Thanks anyway..." There was a slight hesitation from outside the door as Iggy held his breath, hoping she'd bought it.
"Okay... well... I have to leave and get to the mall. Feel better!" Wendy called. He listened, with much relief, to the sound of retreating footsteps. Once he was sure she was gone, he looked in the sink cabinets again, seeing if he had missed anything. He found a package of colored square things that had been shrink-wrapped in plastic and, deciding that at this point anything would help, he tore it open and scattered them over the floor. Almost instantly, the colored objects began to grow and expand as though they were alive.
"AAUUGHHH!!!" Iggy cried, backing away from the alien monstrosities on the floor. At that moment, the bathroom door opened and Ludwig stepped in, giving his younger brother a perplexed look.
"Why are you yelling at the sponges?" Ludwig inquired.
"Oh! THOSE are sponges!" Iggy sighed with relief. "I always wondered what those looked like. Did you get the tape?"
Ludwig nodded, holding up a roll of white tape in one hand. "I passed Wendy on the way down the hall. She said you were sick," he remarked.
"Yeah I am... sick of waiting for your ugly mug," Iggy snorted, snatching the roll of tape away from his brother.
"Watch it..." Ludwig growled.
As Iggy sat the toilet back into its rightful position and worked on fixing the crack in the bowl, Ludwig helped mop up the water on the floor and clean up the mess that had been there prior to Iggy's damage to the toilet. When all was said and done, it looked as though nothing had happened. The tape was the same color as the toilet and the crack it covered was near the back, so unless you were looking for it, it was hard to see.
"Thanks, bro," Iggy sighed with relief, high-fiving Ludwig.
"You aren't going to get all mushy on me, are you?" Ludwig taunted, smirking.
Before Iggy could answer, the door to the bathroom banged open, revealing a very sleepy-looking Bowser. "What's going on in here?" he asked, eyeing his two sons skeptically.
"Oh... um... Ludwig was just helping me clean up." Iggy smiled a bit too widely.
"You? Cleaning?" Bowser snorted, putting a hand to Iggy's forehead. "You must be sick, boy."
"No... just feel like I should start helping out a little more, that's all," Iggy stated, doing his best to keep a straight face.
"Hmm... well, whatever you did it for, thanks. Now both of you vamoose, I need to get a shower." Ludwig and Iggy exchanged an awkward look, but obediently left the bathroom. As the door shut, both Koopalings stood outside and listened. The shower faucet came on with a gush and Ludwig breathed a noticable sigh of relief. Maybe they'd get away with this after all.
Suddenly there was the sound of a toilet flushing and a loud crash. Water immediately began to pour out from under the bathroom door. The hallway carpet, really, was doing a great job of soaking it all up.
"IGGY!!!" Bowser bellowed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, King Koopa, I hate to say it, but it looks to me like you'll need to replace this sanitary unit entirely," the repair Troopa that had been sent over to assess the damage remarked, taking a final look at the broken pipes and shattered tank.
"What's a sanitary unit?" Larry asked from where he, along with the other Koopalings, was watching from the doorway.
"That's what we in the business call'em," the Troopa smiled. "It sounds better than calling them toilets all the time."
"Iggy, how in the world could you have done this much damage to a toilet of all things?" Clawdia asked, flabbergasted.
"I... was jumping on it," he admitted, wincing as his siblings chuckled.
"What?!" Bowser barked.
"Only a little!" the Koopaling said defensively.
"Heh... you must've been doing a flat-out Virginia Reel to damage a sturdy old unit like this," the repairman remarked. Iggy wrinkled his nose in confusion. Forget the sanitary unit, what was a Virginia Reel?
"And how much would it cost to replace, do you think?" Bowser sighed, his angry glare never leaving his son.
"Well, they vary in cost... but I'd say that the top-of-the-line model would run you about five thousand gold coins."
"Five thousand?!" the Koopa King repeated, his eyes flying wide.
"That's the best, as I said. They certainly come cheaper," he reminded Bowser quickly.
"You know how long it would take to pay that off with your allowance?" King Koopa growled at Iggy.
"About a bazillion years..." the Koopaling sighed.
"More or less," Bowser stated. "Did Ludwig have anything to do with this?" he asked, turning his gaze on his eldest son and making him squirm a bit.
"Nah... just me," Iggy said after a moment of hesitation. No point in BOTH of them getting in trouble, he guessed. He'd just use it as leverage to make Ludwig take back making him call him the master of Intergalactic Warfare once this had all blown over.
"Well, I'd better get out of here and let you folks decide what you're going to do," the Troopa smiled awkwardly with a tip of the baseball cap he wore, sensing the tension in the room. "Just give me a call when you've got everything squared away and I'll get your new sanitary unit installed for ya!" Grabbing up his toolbox, he bustled out of the bathroom.
"So... what now?" Clawdia asked, favoring her husband with an exasperated look.
"What else? Tomorrow I'll head out with Iggy and we'll find a new one," he sighed. Iggy gave a cry of indignation. Tomorrow?! Tomorrow was Saturday and he already had a full schedule planned! Sleeping til noon, eating a whole bag of cheese curls, watching TV until his brain curled up and died. Shop for toilets? No way... he'd rather have BEEN a toilet.
"Dad, I probably shouldn't go. I mean, I'd just get in the way!" he protested hurriedly.
"Nonsense. You knew enough about them to break one, you could certainly help shop for a new one... that or else you could help pay for it out of your allowance for the next bazillion years," he added sourly. Iggy shut his mouth with a snap, realizing he was over a barrel. "Good! Then it's settled... tomorrow we'll go out and come home with a new toilet. For tonight, everybody can just use the one in the basement."
"Thanks a lot, moron," Roy growled, slapping Iggy across the back of the head sharply before turning and storming away.
"Yeah... way to go," Wendy snapped.
Iggy rubbed the back of his head, watching his siblings disperse. He didn't
understand what THEY were so angry about. It's not like everybody couldn't
use a little extra exercise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Blorknik's Appliances? What's a Blorknik?" Iggy asked, staring at the sign on the slightly run-down building he and Bowser stood outside of the following day.
"Maybe it's foreign." Bowser shrugged, looking exasperated. There were surprisingly few places in the Mushroom Kingdom that sold bathroom fixtures and the previous two had closed and locked their doors as soon as they had seen King Koopa and his son coming in their direction.
Iggy noted the sign on the door, on which someone had scratched out the "R" in "drinks", making it read "NO FOOD OR DINKS ALLOWED". Heh... good thing Roy hadn't come along, then.
"I'm going to see if they're open, I guess. You wait here," Bowser instructed his son, moving to try the door. Iggy, relieved that he hadn't been asked to follow his dad inside, leaned against the brick wall. There were lots of geeky things he'd been caught doing in the past, but if you were caught shopping for toilets... man, there was just no way possible to save face.
Growing bored waiting outside, Iggy walked around the perimeter of the store and toward the back. He was surprised to find that, sitting amongst several trash cans, was a large vehicle that looked like some sort of motorhome with lots of satellite dishes. Blinking in surprise, he went to move further.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing back here?!" a voice demanded suddenly, making Iggy whirl in time to see something large and green rising out of the trash can nearest to him.
"O-Oscar...?" Iggy stammered.
"Oh! Hello, Ignatious!" Kamek greeted. The Koopaling blinked, puzzled at the sorcerer's appearance. He was not wearing his usual blue robes and was, instead, decked out in an ugly green sweater and a pair of frumpy pants. Kamek was known to do odd things from time to time, but this definitely won the prize. He was also the only person Iggy freely allowed to call him Ignatious. Anybody else who did so received, at the very least, a kick in the shins.
"Kamek? What are you doing in the trash?" Iggy asked when he had recovered from the shock.
"When you get to be my age, you'll do anything for a thrill." The Magikoopa chuckled, straightening his glasses. "What brings you out here on your own, child?"
"I'm not on my own," the Koopa replied. "King Dad's inside and-"
"Oh is he?" Kamek interrupted, seeming all-too-eager. "Well, why don't we head in and say hello?" he suggested, clambering out of the can and seizing Iggy by the arm before he could protest. Puzzled, he allowed himself to be led back to the front of the store and inside where Bowser was critically looking over a lineup of toilets. As they entered, he looked up at them.
"What're you doing here?" the Koopa King demanded to know, shooting a suspicious look at Kamek.
"I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop and greet you," Kamek smiled. "Hadn't expected to run into you, sire."
"Kamek was hiding in a trash ca-" Iggy began and was cut off as the Magikoopa kicked his ankle to silence him.
"Well... fine. Hello," Bowser relented. "Now if you'll excuse me, I don't really need help with this. I'm just waiting for the salesclerk." As he said so, one of the toilets got up and started walking toward them, making Iggy do a double-take. He breathed a sigh of relief as he realized that it wasn't a toilet... just a short fat man dressed all in white.
"Good afternoon, sirs, can I help you with something?" the stranger asked in a voice that sounded high and squeaky. Iggy wondered if this guy was Mister Blorknik as he studied him. His teeth were crooked and his skin looked stretched and white. All in all, very creepy and Iggy supposed he sort of looked like a Blorknik. Bowser patiently explained the situation as the man listened, nodding sympathetically, before leading him to the back of the store.
"I think we have just what you're looking for," the salesman smiled, pointing at one of the sanitary units. "It's one of our newer models, very quiet, and water conservative."
"How much?" Bowser asked suspiciously.
"Well, being that these are newer models and haven't been tested in many homes yet, I'd be willing to let it go for two hundred."
"Two hundred thousand?!" the Koopa King demanded, looking outraged.
"No no, I believe I said two hundred!" the man chuckled. "Two hundred gold coins, that's all."
"Seriously?" Bowser asked, looking pleased.
"Sire, with all due respect, I think you should shop elsewhere," Kamek interjected, glaring at the salesman knowingly.
"Kamek, you shriveled old fool, why would I do that? I need a toilet, this guy's going to sell me one at a reasonable price, and I really don't think there's any other stores in the kingdom left to try!"
"Couldn't you look?" Kamek pleaded. "Think about it, what sort of name is Blorknik anyway?"
"Blorknik is, actually, a very common name where I come from, Polaris," the salesman interjected with a large false smile.
"Polaris? You mean the North Star in the Real World?" Iggy asked, confused.
"Polaris is a small city named for said star and located in Grass Land," he explained, seeming put out. "Though I suppose it would entertain some to think I was from another world..." he chuckled, his laugh sounding like nails on a chalkboard.
"There... happy now?" Bowser sighed,
shooting a tired glare at the sorcerer. Kamek's eyes clearly said that
he was anything but happy, but he remained silent, allowing Bowser
to finalize his purchase.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That evening, the repairman returned to install the new unit. After he had been paid and thanked, he left, leaving the Koopa family to examine it more closely.
"It's so clean!" Wendy grinned, looking at it as though it was a baby about to speak its first word.
"It's just a toilet, for crying out loud..." Karma remarked, shaking her head in utter disbelief at the female Koopaling's reaction to the new appliance.
"Well... thank goodness THAT'S over with. C'mon Lemmy, c'mon Ludwig, let's go fire up some videogames and-" Iggy began.
"Not so fast," Bowser interrupted, seizing his son by the back of his shell. "You and I are going to have a little talk."
"Aww Dad, what now?" Iggy whined, struggling. He had already demeaned himself by going toilet-shopping, what more did Bowser want?
"Your mother and I discussed this last night. We don't want a repeated performance of what happened yesterday."
"Sure Dad, don't jump on the new toilet, gotcha," Iggy nodded.
"You've also been upsetting people with the messes you've been purposely making," Clawdia cut in.
"What can I say? Some people don't appreciate fine art." He smirked.
"And so we've come to the decision that, unless you need to shower, the upstairs bathroom is off limits," Bowser stated. "From now on, the bathroom in the basement belongs to you kids."
The immediate reaction was a bad one. Larry, who had been taking a drink of orange juice, suddenly arched his back and spat it all over the hallway carpet, gagging. Clawdia turned and sharply patted Larry on the back, thinking he was choking. Iggy, however, knew better. Larry wasn't choking, he was hurling! Awesome! "NO! You can't be serious!" Larry managed, when he'd gotten himself under control. "Iggy'll ransack it the first night we have it!"
"Not to mention it's a much further walk," Ludwig pointed out.
"Why should we have to suffer just cuz that little troll keeps messin' stuff up?" Roy growled.
"It's dark in the basement!" Wendy protested, stomping a foot irately and looking as though she was contemplating a tantrum.
"It's hard to find your way in the dark and not to mention all the stairs you have to navigate and the corners and the ends of rugs to trip on and the..." Morton launched into an immediate tirade.
"What if the Boos try to be cute and lock the door when one of us needs to use it?" Lemmy fretted.
"We'd be better off just keeping a coffee can in the hallway," Karma put in, slapping her forehead.
Bowser and Clawdia exchanged an irritated look as the onslaught of complaints was issued. "Alright. ALRIGHT!!!" Bowser roared, silencing everybody. "Fine... since the rest of you weren't involved in yesterday's fiasco, you can keep using the upstairs bathroom. Iggy will use the one in the basement." Iggy's eyes brightened. THIS was his punishment? His very own bathroom?
"Really?!" Wendy cheered. "Mom, Daddykins, that's so cool of you!" she declared, clasping her hands together. "No more messes!"
"Yeah, if that's what it takes to make you happy," Iggy announced with exaggerated sadness. "If my siblings really can't stand to be around me, I'll banish myself to the basement with the cobwebs and moss..."
"Knock it off, Iggy..." Ludwig sighed, rolling his eyes at the absolute melodrama.
"No, no, don't worry about me..." Iggy lamented. "And if, twenty years from now, you go down into the basement to find the old Christmas decorations and see some dingy Koopaling who's gone blind in the darkness, that's just me."
"... Iggy dear, you're nearly thirteen. In twenty years, you'll be thirty-three. That's hardly Koopaling-aged," Clawdia pointed out.
"Your point being?" Iggy asked curiously.
Clawdia sighed and threw her claws in the air. "I give up!" she declared.
"And don't think this means you're entitled to do whatever you want down there," Bowser growled. "You still have to keep it clean."
"Can do, Pop!" Iggy assured him with a false salute.
"Alright... everybody's dismissed," Bowser informed his family as they all gladly dispersed. Iggy scuttled down the hallway, ignoring his siblings as he disappeared into his and Lemmy's room for a minute, rummaging through the piles of toys, papers, and various junk on his side before finding what he was looking for: a rolled-up poster of Reptillo-Man he'd gotten as a free bonus for going to see the movie its opening week. He was out of space on his bedroom wall to hang it, but figured the basement bathroom would be perfect.
He would have to make other modifications
too, of course. The handsoap in there would have to be replaced with the
green bath foam he'd been saving and the toilet down there just might look
a little more interesting with some fizzy tablets in it. Oh yeah... this
was definitely going to be fun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That night, Iggy had a strange dream. He dreamt that he was standing in the hallway outside of the bathroom as green light spilled from beneath the closed door. Inside, he could hear his father muttering to himself, though he could only make out small snatches of conversation.
"They'll put up no resistance... yes, I'll prepare everything... no worries... smooth operation..."
The light began to intensify, making him squint behind his glasses, and suddenly the door burst open, revealing the new toilet standing there, looking about as threatening as a toilet could. Under normal circumstances, he would have laughed, but then it started coming right at him, its lid snapping hungrily up and down!
Just as it backed him up against the wall, Iggy jolted awake, finding himself safely in his room, everything dark and quiet just as it should be, save for Lemmy's deep and even breathing from the bed nearby. Calming himself again, Iggy laid back down and tried to sleep, but found that he couldn't get his mind off of the dream he had just had. At length he decided, to put his mind at ease, he'd get up and look for himself.
The Koopaling slipped out of bed and padded down the hallway, stopping in front of the bathroom. No weird green lights coming out from under the door, THAT was good at least. No muttering either and that was even better. He waited a minute and then opened the door and flicked on the light.
Suddenly, Iggy screamed in terror!
Pink! There were pink cosmetics and accessories stacked neatly all over the sink as though Wendy had taken Iggy's expulsion from the upstairs bathroom as an open invitation to make it completely her own. When he had recovered from the horrible sight that the sink had become, he approached the toilet and stared at it. It sat there, basically just being a toilet.
Deciding his dream had been silly, he reached out, touching the handle and pressing down. Nothing happened. Iggy tried again and again, still nothing. Great! The new toilet hadn't even been in the house for one night and he'd broken it already! Behind him, the door to the bathroom banged open, startling him horribly.
"What are you doing in here, Iggs?" Bowser asked.
"Dad! Um... listen, I was just sleepwalking and you know how dangerous it is to wake up a sleepwalker so I'll just walk myself back to bed and... um... sleep! Yeah!" Iggy faltered, backing away from the toilet. "I didn't break the new toilet or anything, honest! I just touched it!"
"Break the new toilet?" Bowser repeated, looking amused. "No, of course you didn't." Saying so, he sauntered into the bathroom and lifted the lid of the tank, reaching inside and fiddling with something. When he had finished, he closed it again and pressed the handle.
FLUSH!
Iggy blinked in dumbfoundment as the bowl refilled with a gurgle.
"You see? It is one-hundred percent intact, Iggs." Bowser smiled.
"Er... yeah..." Iggy muttered, shifting his weight uncomfortably. Bowser hadn't called him Iggs since he was very little. And he was positive he had never heard Bowser casually use the word "intact" before. "A-anyway.. I'm just gonna head back to bed. Since the toilet isn't broken or anything..." he added, beginning to sidle toward the door.
"Yes... get some rest. And don't worry about the toilet," Bowser assured him. "It is completely-"
"Don't say it..." Iggy thought queasily.
"-intact. As we all are."
"Yeeeaahhhh... Well, nice seeing ya, Dad! G'nite!" Iggy smiled, waving feverishly before hurrying back down the hallway to his bedroom and closing the door. Lemmy was still sleeping soundly and for a minute, Iggy debated on waking him up and telling him about their dad's odd behavior. In the end, he decided against it. All Lemmy would do was make fun of him for being a scaredy-cat and get cranky about being woken up.
So instead, Iggy laid awake in bed and
tried to sleep. When sleep refused to come, he tried telling himself a
little bedtime story. "Once upon a time, there was a weird family... and
then they started to get weirder!"
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Iggy woke up late the next morning and came down for breakfast, finding that the only people still at the table were Ludwig, Karma, Wendy, and Clawdia. Everyone else, apparently, had finished. Wendy was busily mopping the table with a wet rag as she ate her bowl of peanut-butter puffs with her free hand. Karma, looking bored stiff as Ludwig read her passages from his latest Scientific Quarterly magazine just in case she was interested, had turned her attention on Wendy and dipped her spoon into her near-empty bowl of Sugar Missiles before pretending to sneeze and dribbling a small fan of milk and soggy cereal bits across the newly-wiped table. "Oops," she remarked, smirking lopsidedly. Wendy glared at her and stuck her tongue out before hurriedly wiping up the mess.
"Hey Mom, where's King Dad?" Iggy asked, hopping into his respective chair where a clean empty bowl and untouched spoon still sat before reaching for a box of cereal and the pitcher of milk.
"Your father said he had something he needed to tend to in the laboratory this morning," Clawdia replied from where she stood at the kitchen sink, washing the breakfast dishes.
"The laboratory?" Ludwig asked, stopping in mid-sentence in his article about flatworms to regard his mother with wide eyes. "MY laboratory?!"
"I know you're the one who uses it most often, son, but its not your laboratory," Clawdia gently corrected. "And I think that if he's found himself a hobby, we should humor it. What's the worst that could happen?"
"But I have to check the results of last night's experiment!" he protested. "And I was almost on the verge of-"
"Kooky..." Karma sighed, interrupting Ludwig's tirade. "You want some cheese to go with that whine? Or should I just call a waahmbulance for you?"
"If it had been the recreation room that he was monopolizing, I somehow think you'd be the one in need of a 'waahmbulance'," he shot back, slashing the air with his claws to make invisible quotes. "I conduct important business in that lab! Things that could very possibly make or break our race!"
"Well, you're not going to be making or breaking anything today, I'm afraid," Clawdia informed her eldest, opening the cupboards and looking for a new bottle of dish soap. She knitted her brow when she didn't see one and then quietly left the kitchen and headed for the basement to retrieve some from the storeroom.
"It's not THAT big of a deal..." Karma appealed to Ludwig. "I mean, look on the bright side... now you have time to comb your hair!" Iggy chuckled loudly and Karma jolted and winced as Ludwig kicked her ankle under the table.
"AAIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" A wail rang up from the basement.
"Mom!" Iggy and Ludwig cried, jumping up from where they were sitting and running for the basement stairs.
"Mother!" Wendy announced, running after them and making Iggy pause and glare at her.
"Since when do you call her 'Mother'?" he demanded to know.
"Duh! You're supposed to be formal when someone's in trouble!" Wendy shot back as the three of them hurried down the stairs. Clawdia was unhurt, but was standing at the door of the basement bathroom, her mouth hanging agape.
"HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THIS IN JUST ONE NIGHT?!" she cried, turning to Iggy and gesturing at the impossible mess the bathroom had become. The toilet paper had all been unrolled and strung festively around the mirror like streamers, held up with generous globs of toothpaste.
"Well, it wasn't easy," Iggy admitted proudly.
"Oh GROSS!!!" Wendy gagged, turning from the chaos and looking ill as Ludwig blinked owlishly, taken offguard yet again by his brother's ability to create mind-blowing messes.
"This is inexcuseable." Clawdia sighed. "Go upstairs, finish your breakfast, and then I want this mess cleaned. Do you understand?"
"Cleaned? But it looks great!" Iggy
reasoned. "Do you have any idea how long it took me to get the toilet paper
way up there?" he added, pointing at an enormous cocoon-like blob that
hung pendulously from the ceiling that Clawdia hadn't yet noticed. His
mother, apparently having had quite enough, stormed back up the stairs,
followed by Wendy and Ludwig. Geez... Iggy had never known that bathrooms
were such a big deal in this house until just recently.
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