Apple Kid: We're here, the last Chapter. Bowser is waiting for our heroes, Mario is ready for battle, and Goombario still won't die.
Goombario: I HEARD THAT!
Apple Kid: Anyway, sit back, relax, and enjoy this, the final Chapter of Cardboard Mario.
Mario: Wow. Bowser's sure got a nice pad.
Mario: Why not call it a pad?
Lakilester: Dude, that's so uncool.
Bombette: I don't know why, but I have a feeling we're forgetting something...
Mario: Now, what could we have forgotten?
Bombette: Oh, I know! We forgot to thank all our readers who've stuck with this fic from the very beginning!
Stunned silence follows.
Mario: Moving on...
They progress through the castle until they reach a large door with Bowser's head carved in it.
Door: HAHAHA! We knew you'd make it!
Door: Umm... who cares?!
Innocent Toad: I care!
Mario: I thought you were gone for good.
Innocent Toad: Nope! I'm still here! What would the last Chapter be without me?
Innocent Toad: Don't be smart with me, young lady, or else.
Watt: Or else what?
Kolorado: I say, old chap, this appears to be a sticky wicket.
Mario grabs Kolorado and throws him out a window.
Innocent Toad: What?
Mario: Nobody likes Kolorado, anyway.
Innocent Toad: True. Well, I'll pop in at a later time, anyway.
Door: Well, back to me. Anyway, I won't open unless you can dodge my clever trap!
Mario: Which is?
A trap door opens directly in front of Mario.
Door: I need to work on my aim.
Goombario: Okay, we dodged the trap. Let us through.
Door: *grumble* Fine.
They continue to the second door.
Door: Bwahahaha! You'll never get past me! You need to play my quiz game to proceed.
Mario: Fair enough.
Door: Okay. If you get three questions correct, you win. First question: What, is your name?
Door: Question two: What, is your quest?
Mario: To rescue the princess and still get home in time to watch "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?".
Door: And now, for all the marbles. Question three: What is the average air speed velocity of an unlaiden female swallow?
Mario: What do you mean? An African swallow, or a European swallow?
Door: Well, uh, I don't know that!
The door is cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
Audience Member: There's a Gorge of Eternal Peril in Bowser's Keep?
Apple Kid: Apparently.
Watt: Well, that's too bad for the door.
They continue to the third door.
Door: You may have gotten past the other two, but you'll never get past me!
The Koopa Bros. walk in. Red has a broken arm, Yellow has a cast on his leg, Black is in a wheelchair, and Yellow is in a full body cast.
Red: We're super cool!
Yellow: We're nobody's fool!
Green: We swim in the pool!
Black: We sit on a stool!
Koopa Bros.: The Super Mondo Ultra Delux Koopa Brothers!
Red: And now, Mario, we challenge you to a fight to the death!
Mario: Um... how about we play Monopoly instead?
Red: I think not.
Jr. Troopa: IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Jr. Troopa dashes into the room, runs into Red, and falls over.
Jr. Troopa: That's not how it's supposed to work!!!
Red: Why not? We're the...
Koopa Bros.: Super Mando Ultra Delux Koopa Brothers!
Jr. Troopa: Well, bring it on, stupid!
The Koopa Bros. jump Jr. Troopa and hog-tie him.
Red: Where were we?
Mario: I, uh, well, we, uh, um...
Goombario: You know, Black said you were fat.
He turns and begins to throttle Black.
Yellow: Hey! I like Black!
Yellow tackles Red.
Green: I'll save you, boss!
Green jumps into the fray.
Watt: Wow. Goombario did something good for once.
Goombario: It was nothing.
The smoke clears, and all four Koopa Bros. are dead.
Door: Fine, fine, get up there.
Jr. Troopa: But, but, WHAT ABOUT ME?!
On their way through the door, Mario and his friends each kick Jr. Troopa. They then run all the way through Peach's Castle until they find Bowser waiting for them.
Bowser: Well, you took your dear sweet time, didn't you?
Mario: WHAT?! WE'RE HERE LESS THAN 24 HOURS AFTER YOU KIDNAPPED PEACH!
Bowser: Good point. Well, it's the end of the line.
Innocent Toad: Yes! Soon, Mario will trounce Bowser, rescue Peach, and live happily ever after!
Bowser: Who're you?
Innocent Toad: I'm the Innocent Toad, a random character the author likes to pick on.
A boulder falls from the sky and lands on Innocent Toad.
Innocent Toad: See?
Bowser: Um... okay.
Mario: Woohoo! I'm-a going-a to-a kick-a your-a butt-a!
Lakilester: Don't do the accent, please!
Mario: Oh, fine.
Bowser charges at Mario and body slams him.
Mario retaliates by grabbing Bowser's tongue and tieing it around Bowser's neck.
Bowser: AH! I un! I un urs! el! el e!
He runs up the stairs and across a bridge to a large floating platform.
Bowser: HAHAHA! Since you've been my rival so long, I've arranged a little arena for your defeat!
Goombario: How'd you get here before us? And how did you untie your tongue?
Innocent Toad runs up.
Innocent Toad: Don't question things you can't explain.
Everyone look up reverently. Innocent Toad waves goodbye then jumps off the edge.
Kammy: Yes, my master will be fully powered with the use of my machine, and he will truly be invincible, thanks to my wisdom.
She activates the machine, and Bowser shrinks.
Kammy: Oops. Wrong switch.
Bowser: Oh great.
Mario steps on Bowser, squishing him like a bug.
Kammy: Oh great.
She hops on her broomstick and flies away.
Peach: Oh Luigi!
Mario: I'm not Lui-
Luigi runs by Mario and embraces Peach.
Mario: Fine. Be that way!
The Star Spirits appear.
Eldstar: Where's the Star Rod?
Mario bends down over the remains of Bowser and picks up a tiny stick bent in various places and hands it to Eldstar.
Mario: Mission accomplished.
Eldstar: ... Whatever.
The Star Spirits fly away.
Innocent Toad: Ah, Mario. All you have left to do is get home for your TV.show.
Mario: How'd you get back here?
Innocent Toad: I don't know.
Mario: Speaking of which, what time is it?
Innocent Toad: Um... 11:57.
Mario: HOLY MOTHER THERESA! I ONLY HAVE THREE MINUTES!
Mario jumps off the edge and falls towards the earth below.
Goombario: So, what do we do now?
Bombette glances at Watt, who glances at Lakilester, who glances at Innocent Toad.
The following scene has been edited out, due to graphic content. But, in Toad Town...
Kooper: I spent this entire story trying to get back at Mario. But do I? NO! That stupid, lazy, no-good author had to make me fail miserably every single time! If Mario we're here right now, I'd...
Mario lands on Kooper, then gets up and sprints toward his house.
Jr. Troopa: Where's Mario?! I'll kill the little *#&%!
Kooper: You hate Mario too?
Jr. Troopa: He's been humiliating me this entire story!
Kooper: Me too!
Jr. Troopa: Hey, want to go to my place and talk about it?
They walk a little ways.
Kooper: You know, I like flower arrangements.
Jr. Troopa: ...
At Mario's house.
Mario: Almost there...
He dashes into the house and glances at the clock. He has five seconds!
He grabs the remote. Four seconds. He grabs a snack in the kitchen. Two seconds left! He rushes to the recliner and sits down. One second left! He hits power on the remote.
TV: It's time for "Who Want's to be a Millionaire?"! Here's you host, Regis Philbin!
Mario: YES! I MADE IT! I MADE IT!
Regis: Yes, and thank you for tunning into this very special episode. On today's episode, we'll-
Announcer: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for a word from out president.
Apple Kid: And that concludes my rendition of Paper Mario. If you liked it, please say so. If you didn't like it, well, I don't really care. Thank you for reading, and have a nice day.
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