Paper Mario 1.5: The Eight Rods of Nib

By Lemmy's Campfire Tales

Chapter 8: United We Stand

The group had stopped to rest on Mario's island before going to Bowser's castle. By this time the group is already at Vista Hill.

Goombario: How do we know he'll be in this castle this time?

Hammer: He spends the weekends here.

Kamoosh: That he does.

Soon, Mario and his party encounter his castle.

Boomus: Here we are!

Columbus: That we are! By the way, Mario, I just wanted to say you have a lovely castle!

Mario: Thank you.

So, the group walks into Bowser's Keep. Inside, they see a lone Podoboo.

Podoboo: Get... back...

Kamoosh: This looks like our easiest fight yet!

Kamoosh draws his wand. Suddenly, thousands of Podoboos appear. They spin around until they're combined into the Czar Dragon.

Hammer: This is easy!

Hammer begins throwing hammers made of ice at the creature. The creature roars in pain, but doesn't falter. He releases hundreds of Helios that fly in random directions.

Mario: Hit the deck!

Goombario: The ice isn't working! We need water!

Boomus: Now where are we gonna find that?

Columbus: AHEM!

Boomus: Good Idea! Columbus, you keep him busy with Goombario, while we look for an even BIGGER source of water!

So, as Columbus uses water attacks while Goombario stays at his side using the Water Rod, the rest of the party looks around for a lake, a sprinkler system, or anything else that could douse the beasts in a second's haste. They find a vent and some toothpaste.

Kamoosh: That was pointless.

Goombario: Wait a minute... that's it!

Goombario runs over and sticks the Water Rod in the vent. The whole room fills up with water, causing the Czar Dragon to disappear. All of the heroes swim to a warp pipe that is beyond where the vent was before all of the water destroys the wall.

Mario: Darn paper-thin walls.

Columbus: But what will you do with the toothpaste?

Goombario: It keeps my teeth nice and shiny!

Mario: Oh crud! I-a just remebered something!

Kamoosh: What?

Mario: Last time I beat the Czar Dragon it came back, as a-

Thud! ... Thud! ... Thud! ... Thud!

Mario: ... Zombone.

Zombone: GRUAHH!

Boomus: I suggest we now run for our lives.

Suddenly, Mario notices something. The Zombone is wearing something/ It's... a leash? Mario looks at the leash some more, and then he sees who is holding the other end of the leash.

Mario: LUIGI?!

Luigi: Yes, Mario, I have come once more to be a part of the party! But this time, I am no hero! Nay, for I am the villain!

Mario: Nay? What's a "nay"?

Luigi: Never mind that. Listen, you have three choices. Accept me, die, or run like cowards. This time, I shant fail!

Mario: Shant? Wha-

Luigi: Forget the old language! Zombone, KILL!

Zombone: Yes... Master.

So, Mario and companions run for their lives.

Boomus: Mario, maybe we should accept him!

Mario: No way! He's going to kill us, for goodness sake! Why would I want to accept someone who would kill me just for a spot on the roster?

Kamoosh: Good point!

And so, a chase sequence occurs.

Hammer: Wait, Boomus. Light your fuse.

Boomus does. Hammer throws the Bob-omb at Zombone, making it turn to dust. Luigi falls and turns into a Duplighost.

Duplighost: I was so close too!

Mario: Hey! That's the Duplighost that impersonated Peach the first time! You're Dooplie!

Dooplie: Yes, that's me. And I bet you can't beat me.

Goombario: What are the authors thinking? So many fights so often. Man.

Colmbus: I know, but c'mon, it's an RPG.

Suddenly, the Duplighost from the last chapter appears.

Doopliss: Hyuck hyuck hyuck! Well, if it isn't Slick, that guy who found my parrot! Listen, you're not going to beat up my star pupil without a-

Goombario: Brawl, battle, fight, etc. We get the point.

Doopliss: That's it! Time to change!

Doopliss suddenly turns into Mario. Mario, because of this, is now Shadow Mario. Dooplie changes into one of Mario's partners, but because he's not as skilled, doesn't steal their name or body.

Shadow Mario: Ack! I'm-a black as a shadow, which-a I am!

Goombario: GASP! That Dooplie looks just like me! Let's get them, Mar- Oh, sorry. Let's get them, SHADOW Mario!

Shadow Mario and Goombario get beaten badly for a while. Just when Doopliss is about to land the finishing blow, Kamoosh uses his magic to lift the two Duplighosts into the air and throw them off into the distance. Shadow Mario turns back to normal.

Kamoosh: Let's get on with things, shall we?

The group continues and gets to a room with four boxes: one red, one black, one yellow, and one green. Each one has the word Koopa on it.

Mario: Oh, great-a. What do we do now?

Goombario: Play Neopets?

Mario: Okay.

They leave the story and play Neopets for an hour. Then they come back.

Mario: NOW what do we do?

Goombario: They must contain some freaks known as the Koopa Bros!

Mario: Nah, they have already popped the bubble wrap.

Goombario: SHUSH! Don't say that again!

The Koopa Bros. walk in and take their boxes.

Green Ninjakoopa: So that's where my green clay went!

Then the four brothers notice Mario.

Red: This is the end of the line, Mario! Be amazed at our great new skills!

The four leap at Mario and his party. Then they fall and are knocked unconscious.

Mario: That-a was easy.

Bobby: Must you put the "a" at the end of most of your words?

Mario: Where'd you come from?

Bobby: Um... plothole?

Then Bobby pulls out a plothole, plops it onto the ground, and jumps through it, leading out of the story. The hole disappears afterwards. The group continues, reaching a big red door. They go inside, and Bowser stands, Rod poised.

Bowser: What?! You're alive?! Well, either way, you won't be for long!

Bowser shoots a ball of fire at Mario from his Rod. Mario pulls out the Water Rod and fires a blast back, but the energy is weaker than Bowser's blast. The fireball passes right through Mario's shot and blasts the Rod out of his hand. The Rod bounces off a wall, off the ceiling, and into Bowser's grasp!

Bowser: That's two so far, just six more to go!

Mario quickly pulls off an ancient defense maneuver, known to most as running away in panic. The others, defenseless, follow Mario as Bowser gives chase. Mario and the others somehow make their way to an arena, where Bowser has them trapped.

Bowser: Today, Mario, you shall be defeated on this Koopa holiday!

Mario: But today isn't a Koopa holiday!

Bowser: Any day you die will be a Koopa holiday! Now, FIGHT!

And as such, a fight commences. Bowser points his Rod at himself and tranforms into Giga Bowser.

Giga Bowser: Hahahahahaha! Prepare to PERISH!

Giga Bowser leaps at the group.

Mario: Goombario! Catch!

Mario tosses the Power Rod to Goombario, who grabs it in his teeth.

Goombario: Mph muh muh mph muuh! (Taste my ultimate headbonk attack!)

Goombario leaps at Bowser and clonks him in the head, making the little birds fly around his head.

Giga Bowser: Ooh, pretty birdies.

Goombario tries again, but Bowser uses the Water Rod to send Goombario flying. Giga grabs the Power Rod.

Giga Bowser: I wonder what would happen if I did this. Mwahahaha!

Giga Bowser slams his foot on the ground, and the immense power causes an earthquake, knocking the Speed Rod out of Hammer's hands.

Kamoosh: I've had enough of this! I bet you won't be so tough when you're a baby!

Kamoosh uses the Body Modification Rod on Giga Bowser to turn him into Baby Bowser.

Mario: Aw... Look how cute!

Baby Bowser: You dink you all dat, huh? Well I'll teach youse!

Baby Bowser smiles evilly and uses the Speed Rod to knock Kamoosh over, grabbing the Body Modification Rod and reforming.

Boomus: How many Rods do we have left?

Mario: Let's see... The Plant Rod... and the Ice Rod.

Kammosh: If Bowser gets them all, there's no telling what he could do!

Giga Bowser: Oh, no? Well, let's find out.

Hammer: Oh, we also still have the Fire Rod.

Kamoosh: Well, he's currently got five of the eight rods... There's only one thing we can do...

Mario: Right!

All of the heroes begin running around in circles and screaming. Giga Bowser then uses the Water Rod to flood the room, causing Mario and the rest of his party except for Colombus to begin drowning. Colombus, being the only one who can actually breathe, uses the Fire Rod to turn the water into steam, saving his friends. But, as it is difficult to see in steam, Giga Bowser grabs the Fire Rod out of Colombus's tentacles.

Colombus: Hey! Give that back!

Giga Bowser fries Colombus with the Fire Rod.

Colombus: Then again, what's the rush? Have it for as long as you want, just come back before ten o'clock weekdays, or eleven o'clock weekends. Buy two, get one half-price! Goodnight, folks!

Colombus faints, as if you didn't see THAT coming.

Hammer: Let's see you beat this!

Hammer grabs the Plant Rod and makes a giant vine that wraps around Giga Bowser and begins squeezing the oxygen out of him.

Giga Bowser: RAWR!

Giga Bowser rips the vines off, and grabs the Plant Rod.

Hammer: Gentlemen, I believe this is a good sign that we should give up.

Fice T: Hold on! We shouldn't give up yet! I still have the Ice Rod!

Fice T. pulls out the Ice Rod, but ends up freezing himself. Giga Bowser pulls the Rod out from his frozen little hands.

Hammer: Okay, now THIS is a good sign to give up.

Everyone but Columbus and Fice T. runs away. Columbus picks up the immobile, frozen Fice T. and soon catches up to the rest of the party.

Kamoosh: Wait a minute! I know a spell that should give us a quick advantage!

Kamoosh waves his wand. The group hears a loud crash and runs back to where Giga Bowser is. He's fallen and can't get up.

Kamoosh: I knew that gravitation spell would someday save me. Unfortunatly it's only temporary, so we'll probably just have time to take one Rod...

Hammer: Allow me!

Hammer grabs the Unication Rod.

Giga Bowser: RAWR!

Giga Bowser jumps back up.

Hammer: I know what'll work good! I'll cut this guy down to size!

Hammer turns Giga Bowser into Baby Bowser, then shoots a fireball at him and grabs the Rods, tossing one to each party member and keeping the Speed one. But then, as Mario steps closer to Baby Bowser to finish him off, the tile under Mario's foot sinks lower and makes a "click" sound. Nozzles pop out of the floor around the room and start spraying purple smoke.

Mario: Ack! *cough* I activated a *gasp* trap! *hack*

Baby Bowser: *cough, hack* Vision... ugh... getting... blurry...

Hammer: (breathing heavily) Must... stay... conscious...gah.

Everyone passes out.




Hammer wakes up and finds himself in a circular room.

Hammer: Oooohhh... That smoke was really unhealthy for my own good.

Hammer then notices a small mushroom-like thing staring at his eyes right in front of him.

Hammer: Hey, you are one of those little Bulborbs from Pikmin! You are so small, even a Goomba would beat you up! Hahahahahahaaaaa!!!

The Bulborb then gets an angry expression. It screams a weird cry and a light beam shoots from the ceiling at the Bulborb. It grows very big and makes Hammer look like a Pikmin.

Hammer: Can I take that back?

Meanwhile with Mario...

Mario has been shrunken down to the size of a needle.

Mario: How?

Ezlo (the hat from The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap): Um... bye!

Ezlo hurriedly hops away. Mario, on the other hand, sees a character in the corner eating Pikpik Carrots. It's Louie.


Mario tackles Louie to the ground, but Louie puts up a fight.

Mario: Okay, we'll share. Hey, how did you get here in the first place? And what's with that bird-hat Ezlo thing anyway?

Louie: Well... One of Bowser's top magicians has put a spell on long enough to finish you all off. I'm not even here. All you need to do is find and knock out the representation of Kamek and the spell will be broken.

Mario: Representation-a?

Louie: Yes. You see, you're all asleep. Knocking out the representation will knock out Kamek, as it's his conciousness, if you will.

Meanwhile with Columbus...

Columbus: Well, this is weird.

Columbus is in the middle of a maze made of mirrors and glass walls. Suddenly, Columbus sees the image of Ezlo in one of the mirrors. Columbus manages to follow Ezlo's reflections until Ezlo is trapped.

Ezlo: Why me?

Ezlo suddenly changes into a very annoying green hornbill and flies away. In the sky, it is suddenly blown up by Princess Peach, who has wings instead of arms. Princess Peach suddenly implodes.

Columbus: Okay, what was that all about? If I didn't know better, I'd say this is all just one Magikoopa spell gone wrong.

Popple suddenly appears in a puff of smoke.

Popple: Actually, this was supposed to happen. I myself like this dirty trick, but if you don't like it, just find Kamek's consciousness, or whatever it's called, and beat him up!

Popple then turns into an X-Naut, and about 100 more different X-Nauts appear behind him.


A bowling ball appears out of nowhere, squashes them flat, and then fades into nothing.

Columbus: Okay, now things are getting creepy.

Columbus then tries to navigate the maze of mirrors. Meanwhile Fice T. is in the Chaosrealm of Mortal Kombat. He's standing and talking to Havik.

Fice T: What's going on?

Havik: You are in a dream-like state at the hands of Kamek.

Fice T: Well, how am I supposed to get out of it?

Havik: You must defeat Kamek's representation.

Havik leaps back a few fight.

Havik: However, I will not allow you to do so.

Fice T: Why?

Havik: This dream-like state you are all in is bringing much Chaos, and as a cleric of Chaos it is my duty to protect disorder!

Havik jumps at Fice T. Meanwhile, Goombario is standing on a platform over a bottomless pit across from a door. Raphael the Raven is standing next to him.

Raphael: Goombario, only the brave ones can walk over this pit and to the door where a Magikoopa is waiting for you.

Goombario: Uh... err... okay!

Goombario walks over the edge of platform and doesn't fall. Then he realizes it's just a painting on the floor.

Goombario: Now that was easy.

Then Goombario gets to the Magikoopa. Is it Kamek? Or Kammy? Well, actually it's Kamoosh.

Kamoosh: Where are we?

Goombario: I don't know.

Soon, Mario finally finds the one room he had been looking for in the first place.

Mario: Phew, the bathroom! I really had to go!

Oops, wrong room.

Back to Columbus...

Columbus: Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe, Jack, Benny, Harold, Rosebud! North it is!

Columbus walks north, straight into a mirror, for the 36th time.

Columbus: Darn! I guess I'll try that again. Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Ezlo... EZLO?!

Columbus, aggrivated by Ezlo, starts beating him up in a cartoon cloud.

Ezlo: Note to self; never book a cameo in a game unless you know what you're doing!

While they are fighting, a trapdoor opens up underneath them. Meanwhile, Havik is beating Fice T. within an inch of his life, and grabs Fice T's leg, signifying his Fatality. Just as he's about to rip off Fice T's leg...

Columbus and Ezlo: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

The two land directly on top of Havik, knocking the Cleric of Chaos out cold. Columbus beats up Ezlo after they land.

Ezlo: Someone please get me back in The Minish Cap!

Meanwhile again...

Mario: Just a sec.

Narrator: I can't believe, of all times...

Mario opens the bathroom door and hears a thud.

Mario: Um... oops?

Kamek: Augh! My nose!

Mario: Oh, sorry 'bout that.

Kamek: That's quite alright, now move, I have to go.

Narrator: Mario! You have to beat him to get out of this virtual reality!

Mario: Okie dokie.

Mario throws Kamek at the narrator. They both fall to the ground and the narrator turns into Kammy.

Kammy: Darn it! Darn it all!

Kamek: Hey, I don't have to go to the bathroom anymore.

Kammy: Get off me!

Kammy runs off screaming.

Kamek: What? I just had to get a paper towel.

Mario stomps on Kamek's head. Just as Kamek is about to strike back, the ceiling begins crumbling.

Kamek: Huh?

The Bulborb and Hammer fall through the ceiling, landing on Kamek. All of the heroes wake up and see Bowser and Kamek.

Kamoosh: Finally we're out of that spell thing.

Kamek: Indeed you are. Prepare to die!

Kamek fires a spell at Kamoosh and Bowser attacks the others. Bowser breathes a fireball at Mario, who easily jumps over it. Goombario headbonks Bowser, stunning him and allowing Columbus to slap Bowser two times. Mario and his partners decide to use the Rods... but then, they realize that they don't have any Rods!

Mario: Oh no! Bowser and Kamek have-a obviously stolen our Rods while we were-a sleeping!

Bowser: But me and Kamek also don't have the Rods!

Kamoosh: Then WHO has them?!

???: Maybe you idiots could look up here?

Everyone looks up and sees Iggy on a small balcony with all the Rods.

Bowser: Iggy! Be a bad boy and drop the Rods to your father!

Iggy: Sorry, Father, but I need these for my personal plan.

Bowser: Plan? What plan?

Iggy: You shall all see now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Iggy jumps down and uses the Body Modification Rod to shrink all of the others. He then uses it to become twice his size and become... Giga Iggy!

Columbus: That's just unoriginal.

Goombario uses Tattle on Giga Iggy.

Goombario: That's Giga Iggy. Max HP is 250, attack power is 12, and defense power... 9999?! He can use all the Rods against us. This fight is so unfair!

Giga Iggy shoots a fireball at Kamek and Bowser, sending both flying into the distance.


Chapter 9: How Will We Win This?

Goombario: We're not going down without a fight! Right?

Mario: Right!

Kamoosh: Right!

Boomus: Right!

Fice T: What?!


Fice T: Um... R-r-r-right!

Columbus: Right, whatever, you're goin down!

Giga Iggy: You're kidding me, right? There is no way you can win! And I'll show you in this starter battle that will have no effect on the second, more important battle!

Mario: ...

Giga Iggy jumps down with a crash, the Power Rods in between his claws. Giga Iggy slams down, throwing the group into the air. They land on top of each other, with the lightest on the bottom (of course).

Columbus: I think you broke my tentacles...

Giga Iggy blasts a fireball toward the group, which barely misses.

Mario: We've got to find the amulet thing Goombario mentioned a long time ago!

The party procedes to run through the castle away from Giga Iggy- futiley, because he has all the Rods and therefore the Speed Rod. So they begin hiding instead. Giga Iggy repeatedly destroys the places they're hiding in, forcing them to run for their lives. Eventually they reach the amulet and are about to grab it, but Giga Iggy grabs it first. He removes the powers from the Rods and as the powers are coming to the amulet, he jumps in the way.

Giga Iggy: GWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I am invincible!

The heroes commence a turn-based battle that won't even matter in the end because it'll just restart anyway after a while. Mario and his partners battle for a while, but can't damage Giga Iggy because of his high defense. After an hour, all of Mario's partners are knocked out and Mario is barely standing on his feet.

Giga Iggy: As you can see, with the powers of the rods, I am the most powerful being in the universe! Also, I have a question for you.

Mario: (weakly) W-what...?

Giga Iggy: If you will become my personal slave, I will spare your life. If not, you will die!

Mario: Heroes... never... give... up... ugh...

Giga Iggy: Fine then. You shall die right now.

Giga Iggy begins to charge up a blast that will wipe out Mario and his partners. But then, there is a bright flash of light. Suddenly, a spirit appears in the air.


Fice T. runs off and hides.

Spirit: I am the ghost of the survivor of the battle for the Rods. And there is something you can still yet do; if the amulet is broken then the powers of the Rods will no longer exist, causing Iggy to become vulnerable, though he will stay as Giga Iggy until he is beaten.

Mario: Break-a the amulet!

Goombario: Do you even know where the amulet is?

Mario: Uh... no!

Others: *groan*

Mario: No worries! I have-a this!

Mario holds up a book.

Columbus: Yay. A book. We're saved. Praise be.

Boomus: That ain't no regular book!

Kamoosh: That's-

Giga Iggy: A players guide! NOOOOO!!! You cheater!!!

Mario: Tell it-a to the writers.

Kamoosh: Wow, a player's guide. The plot thins...

Ghost: The amulet is in his HAND, REMEMBER?!

Mario: Oh-a. Right.

Mario jumps on the amulet, destroying it.

Mario: For the record, I knew that.

Giga Iggy: Noooo!!! No matter, you still can't beat me!

Mario jumps onto Giga Iggy's head, then Kamoosh hops onto Hammer's shoulders and Hammer jumps, slamming both down onto Giga Iggy, hard.

Giga Iggy: OW!!!!This isn't fair!

Mario: Is so!

Giga Iggy: Is not!

Mario: So!

Giga Iggy: Not!

Mario: So!

Giga Iggy: Not!

Mario: So!

Giga Iggy: Not!

Mario: So!

Giga Iggy: Not!

Kamoosh: KNOCK IT OFF!

Kamoosh jumps into the air and grabs Hammer, then throws him at Giga Iggy. Hammer slams a hammer down hard on Giga Iggy's head, and then Fice T, Goombario, and Columbus all jump up and tackle Giga Iggy. Then the rest of the heroes strike Iggy's legs, knocking him to the ground. Giga Iggy hits with a thud and transforms back into regular Iggy. Mario and his partners begin celebrating wildly.

Epilouge: Celebration

Everyone is having a party. Punch, cookies, cake, and all sorts of sweets are being served.

Mario: Where's the bathroom? I need to wash my hands.

Kamoosh: It's right over-

He sees that Mario has just dripped pizza sauce on the ground.


Mario: Uh oh.

Kamoosh proceeds to chase Mario around the party. The two run past Mario and his Koopalings, who are also present as party-crashers.

Bowser: Ludwig, poke your brother with this stick.

Ludwig: Okay, King Dad.

Ludwig proceeds with poking Iggy, who is in a cage, with a stick.

The End

Credit goes to Martin, Miles "Thumbs" Power, Waluigi's Twin, Bobby, and Huge Iggy fan for writing, editing, suggesting, or in any way enhancing this story.

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