It is a stormy night. Mario is tossing and turning on his mattress. Then Luigi comes in.
Luigi: Hey, Brother! What’s-a wrong?!
Mario: I NEED TO GO TO THE POTTY!!!
Luigi: AAAAAAAAAUGH!!!
20 minutes later…
Luigi comes back in with a clean shirt.
Luigi: Hey, Brother, can’t sleep?
Mario: I’m-a Mario!
Luigi: Uh, well, there’s a cheese festival down the street. Wanna go?
Mario is unable to answer because he is already out the door.
Luigi: Huh? Hey, wait for MEEEEEEE!
At the cheese festival…
Luigi: How boring.
Mario: How cheesy!
Mario devours some cheese.
Luigi: Sheesh. Hey, look, it’s Vivian and her sisters!
Vivian: Leave me alone, Beldam!
Beldam: Not until you give me that box!
Marilyn: Duhhhh…
Mario: It’s-a them, the Shadow Sirens!
Vivian: Help! Somebody help!
Two security Toads start running towards Beldam.
Beldam: Yikes! C’mon, Marilyn, you oaf!
Marilyn: Duhhhhh…
The security Toad chases Marilyn and Beldam out of the festival.
Beldam: I’ll get that box, Vivian! Just you wait!
Marilyn: Duhhhhh…
The next night...
Mario was tossing and turning in his bed again. Luigi came in.
Luigi: Hey, Brother! There’s a party over at the festival of-
Mario: WHEN DOES IT START?!
Luigi is unable to answer because his ears were blown to somewhere in Antarctica.
20 minutes later…
Luigi: It started 20 minutes ago.
Mario: Let’s-a go!
Luigi: Huh? Wait up!
At the festival of soda pop…
Luigi: How boring.
Mario: How fizzy!
Mario downs a couple of soda pops.
Luigi: Ugh. Hey, it’s those three again!
Beldam: Gimme the @#$%^$$$ box!!!
Vivian: Never!
Marilyn: Duhhhhh…
Vivian: What do you want with the box?!
Beldam: To open it, of course! Gimme!
Vivian: O-open it?! You must NEVER open it! You realize what happened the last time “she” was released!
Beldam: Yes! Marilyn, get the box!
Marilyn: Okay. Duhhhh… Gimme, gimme!
Vivian: No!
Marilyn: GIMME! GIMMEEEEEE!
Vivian: You’ll never open this box!
Marilyn: GIIMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Marilyn morphs into a huge ugly beast.
Marilyn: GIMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Vivian: Eek! No! I’ll never give you the box!
Luigi: Looks like Vivian needs help!
Mario: Okey-dokey!
Mario starts kicking Vivian.
Vivian: Ow! Stop it, you psycho!
Luigi: On the other hand, Mario needs help. MENTAL HELP!
Mario jumps on Vivian.
Vivian: Ow! Hey, what’re you doing- AAAAAAAUGH!!!
Mario: Fire Flower!
Vivian’s screams can be heard by people in the next galaxy.
Luigi: That’s IT!
Luigi kicks Mario, who kicks Vivian, who kicks Marilyn, who kicks Beldam, who goes flying out of the festival.
Marilyn: Huh? WAAAIIIT FOOOOOOR MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Vivian: Yikes!
Marilyn grabs Vivian, who is still holding the box tight, in one hand and some soda in her other hand and rushes after her older sister.
Mario: Owowowowowow!
The next night…
Mario is tossing and turning in his bed. Luigi walks in with armor and earplugs.
Mario: You look-a funny.
Luigi: (As long as it protects me from you.) Hey, Mario, Vivian wants us.
Mario: You-a talk funny.
Luigi: C’mon, Mario.
Mario: You- OWOWOWOWOW!
Luigi grabs Mario by the ear and drags him to Vivian’s house.
At Vivian’s house…
Vivian: Thank goodness you’re here! You must protect the box!
Luigi: What’s in the box?
Vivian: The box is the prison of- OH NO, THEY’RE HERE!
Beldam and Marilyn jump into the room.
Beldam: Give us the box!
Luigi: Never!
Vivian: Guys…
Everyone: WHAT?!
Vivian: Where’s the box?
Everyone looks at Mario. He has a surprisingly large stomach.
Mario: It-a needed some salt, but I-a have no major-a complaints.
Everyone Else: OH NO!!!
Beldam: YOU IDIOT! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!
Vivian: SPIT IT OUT, MARIO! NOW!
Mario spits out a rubber ducky.
Luigi: So that’s where that went!
Mario spits out a bathtub.
Vivian: Hey! That was mine!
Mario spits out some clothes.
Marilyn: MIIIIIIIINE!
Mario spits out a cauldron.
Beldam: … Idiot…
FINALLY, Mario spits out the box.
Everyone: … GET IT!!!!
Everyone jumps to get the box, but Beldam gets to it first.
Beldam: Hahahaha! So long, suckers!
Beldam opens the box and a strong force starts pulling at everyone.
Mario: Woohoo!
He’s sucked in.
Vivian: AUGH!
She’s sucked in.
Luigi: EEEK!
He’s sucked in.
Marilyn: Duhhhh…
She’s sucked in.
Beldam: HAHAHAHA… OH NO!
She’s sucked in. Suddenly, the box slams shut.
Inside the box…
Luigi: What a creepy place!
Vivian: Stick close, guys! There’s no telling what’s going to happen!
Beldam: Stick close?! I’d rather-
Vivian glares at her sister.
Beldam: Er… Stick close…
Mario: Wooho-
Luigi: (putting away Poison Mushroom) You said this was a jail for someone, Vivian. Who?
Vivian: The… The Shadow Queen…
Luigi turns pale.
Vivian: That’s why we have to keep an eye on my sisters! They could-
Luigi turns very pale.
Luigi: Wh-where’d they go?
Vivian: A-And where’s Mario?
They hear a sinister cackle from far off.
Vivian: That sounds like Beldam! RUN!
Luigi and Vivian run towards the sound, and find Beldam, Marilyn, and Mario in front of ANOTHER box.
Luigi: A box inside a box. Can this possibly get any weirder?
Vivian: This box was on the Titanic, witnessed the Boston tea party, and CONVINCED BOWSER TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS!!!
Luigi: … I’ll take that as a yes.
Vivian: That box contains the Shadow Queen!
Luigi: I thought THIS box contains the Shadow Queen!
Vivian: It does…
Luigi: But… never mind…
Vivian: They CAN’T open it!
Luigi: That’s great!
Vivian: However…
Luigi: You don’t mean…
Vivian: Yup.
Beldam: Mario! That lock is made of cheese!
Mario: CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!
Mario devours the lock. The box opens.
Vivian and Luigi: NO!
Beldam: YES!
Marilyn: Duhhhhhhhhhhh…
Suddenly the box that Mario and his cohorts are in explodes. Everyone goes flying all over the Mushroom Kingdom.
Luigi and Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Vivian, Beldam, and Marilyn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!
Suddenly, the Mushroom Kingdom is consumed in darkness. Mushroomers come out of their houses, only to watch their houses twist into dragons and other creatures.
Vivian: Oh no… It has begun.
The sky turns a mix of red and black, the water starts boiling, the jails disappear, and the villains go on a rampage.
Cackletta: Eeyahaha!
Tatanga: Woahhohoho!
Bowser: Gwahahahaha!
Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAA! It’s her!
The Shadow Queen streaks across the sky, just as Princess Peach runs screaming, out of her castle-turned dragon.
Luigi: Look out, Peach!
But it’s too late. The Shadow Queen goes right into her, possessing her and turning her dark.
Beldam: Welcome to Plit, my queen.
Shadow Queen (Peach): Very nice… Now, the one who released me will be rewarded.
Vivian: *gasp* So that’s why Beldam released her… so that she could be rewarded.
Shadow Queen: So what do you desire?
Beldam: Well, I-
Shadow Queen: Not you! The one who released me!
Beldam: (puzzled) But-
Shadow Queen: So what do you desire, MARIO?
Everyone but Mario and the Shadow Queen fall over, anime-style.
Luigi: Mario? WISHES?! We’re doomed!
Vivian: Look on the bright side! Maybe he’ll wish for the Shadow Queen to go back in the box!
Beldam: Maybe…
Shadow Queen: So what do you desire?
Mario: I desire…
There is a VERY dramatic pause.
Mario: For me, Luigi, and the Shadow Sirens…
There is a VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY dramatic pause.
Mario: ...to be put to death! YAAAAAAY!!!
Luigi, Vivian, Beldam, and Marilyn: *groan* *groan* *groan* *groan*
Shadow Queen: Okay, you are an idiot. But, you will be put to death.
Luigi: AAARGH! MARIO, YOU-
THE FOLLOWING SCENES HAVE BEEN DELETED BECAUSE OF VIOLENCE AND SWEARING.
In no time at all, Mario, Luigi, Beldam, Vivian, and Marilyn are in the dungeon.
Shadow Queen: You will be put to death tomorrow. Enjoy your stay!
Luigi: MARIO! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!
Mario: I’m-a Mario!
Vivian: Wonderful answer.
Mario: Thank you.
Beldam: She was being sarcastic.
Mario: So?
Marilyn: Duhhhhhhhhh…
Luigi: This is going to be very fun.
Beldam: No kidding.
Luigi: There must be some way to get out of here!
Luigi kicks the wall.
Luigi: OW!
Mario: Looky!
Mario has his overalls and pants off.
Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAA! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!
Luigi faints.
Vivian: Calm down. And Mario, get dressed.
Mario: Okeydokey.
Mario puts his pants on his head.
Beldam: That lousy queen! I’ll never be loyal to her again!
Suddenly, the Shadow Queen (Peach) dissolves behind Beldam’s back.
Vivian: Uh, Beldam…
Beldam: I mean, what a loser! She’s ugly, she’s dorky, and she’s really, really...
Marilyn: (In a warbled, stupid voice) Uh oh.
Vivian: Oh no!
Beldam: ...stupid!
Shadow Queen: STUPID, EH?!
Beldam spins around, but she is too late. The Shadow Queen blasts her with a black lightning bolt, and Beldam explodes. Only a charred hat remains.
Shadow Queen: Let that be a lesson to you others who wish to defy me!
Vivian: (through tears) But we’re already being put to death anyway!
Marilyn: *sob* Muhhhh…
Shadow Queen: SILENCE!
The Shadow Queen blasts both Vivian and Marilyn with black lightning, and they explode. Their charred hats are all that is left of them. The Shadow Queen disappears.
Luigi: (coming to) Huh?
Luigi looks at the other cells. Three have charred, smoldering hats, and one has Mario, with pants on his head. Luigi faints again.
Mario: Chowdown!
Mario bites into the bars and breaks all his teeth.
Mario: Owowow!
Bars: YOWCH!!!
Mario faints. The bars on the cells all disappear and leave Doopliss standing in the middle of the dungeon.
Doopliss: Stupid Mario! Ooh, that hurts! I’m quitting this job!
Doopliss runs out of the dungeon to tell Shadow Queen he quit. Luigi wakes up and, finding no bars on the cell, steps out.
Luigi: Huh? Hey, I’m a genius! I did something totally amazing while I was unconscious and the bars disappeared!
Luigi does a little dance of victory, then grabs the unconscious Mario and drags him up a long staircase and out of the torture chamber.
Luigi: (whistling) Yeah, I’m the best, I am the best, when the bars see my face they start to scream and shiver and shake…
Mario wakes up and bites Luigi’s arm.
Luigi: OWCH!!!
Luigi and Mario tumble back down the staircase and into the middle of the dungeon.
Luigi: Owwie! Why, I oughtta… Hey, wait a sec!
Luigi spies the hats of the three Shadow Sirens.
Luigi: Woah, I thought it was a dream, but I guess not… They really are gone.
A moment of silence goes by.
Mario and Luigi: YAHOO!!!
The two Brothers start dancing around the dungeon, singing stupidly. Then Luigi realizes something.
Luigi: The Shadow Sirens are our only hope of defeating the Shadow Queen!
Mario is still dancing and singing “I Wish I Was An Oscar Meyer Wiener”. Luigi punches him in the gut, and Mario falls unconscious.
Luigi: There must be some way to get them back to life…
Mario: (while unconscious) Grodus’s magic cure shop…
Luigi: What?!
Mario: (now conscious) I’m-a Mario!
Luigi: Grodus has a magic cure shop?! Geez, how low can you go?
Mario: (mumbling) Low as you.
Luigi: What?
Mario: It’s-a me, Mario!
Luigi: Whatever. Let’s get out of here and get to Grodus’s shop. Uh, where is it?
Mario: La la la la la…
Luigi kicks Mario’s head and knocks him unconscious.
Mario: (while unconscious) Grodus’s magic cure shop is on Earth.
Luigi: EARTH?! How do we get there?!
Mario: (still unconscious) Bowser has a spaceship… Get him to lend it to you.
Luigi: Wonderful. We’re going to ask our worst enemy to help us ask our second worst enemy for help. It sounds like a perfect recipe for disaster.
Mario: (STILL unconscious) *shrug* The Force is with you, Luigi…
Mario wakes up.
Luigi: … Great. There is an ancient Star Wars spirit inside my idiotic brother.
Mario: I’m-a the Party Star!
Luigi: Let’s just go. The sooner we somehow negotiate with our worst enemies and get stupid Vivian and her even stupider sisters back to life, the better.
Mario: Okeydokey.
Luigi: I think I liked you better unconscious.
Mario: Okeydokey.
Mario punches himself in the head and falls unconscious. Luigi puts Mario over his shoulder and walks up the long flight of stairs. He takes this chance to talk with the spirit inside Mario.
Luigi: So how long have you been inside my brother?
Spirit: Almost forever. It’s just about unbearable.
Luigi: No offense, but I’m glad I’m not you.
Spirit: Whatever. Oh boy, he’s waking up.
Mario wakes up and whacks Luigi on the nose. Luigi picks up Mario and throws him down the stairs.
Mario: I’m-a Mariooooooooooooo…
And he is gone.
Luigi: I doubt I’ll be seeing HIM again! And I’m glad that Star Wars spirit is gone. It was such a bore.
Creepy Voice: Don’t think you’re rid of me yet, Luigi.
Luigi shivers and pushes open the large metal doors that lead out of the Shadow Queen's castle. He finds himself in the middle of a freak show. There are Toads running everywhere, most getting gobbled up by Hooktail, Gloomtail, and Bonetail. Toadsworth and Toadette are clinging to each other.
Toadette: Oh, please! Someone please save me and my father!
Luigi: I should have known.
Toadsworth: Master Luigi! Please save us! That huge thing is looking at us!
Luigi turns to see Bonetail staring hungrily at the frightened twosome.
Toadette: Please save us! Please, Luigi!
Luigi: I should let it eat you two.
Toadette: No! PLEASE don’t!
Luigi: You’ve never done anything for me!
Millions of gold coins land at Luigi’s feet.
Luigi: Nuh-uh! It’s too late for that now!
Toadsworth: IT’S COMING TOWARDS US!
Sure enough, Bonetail is now rushing towards Toadette and Toadsworth.
Toadette: Please, Luigi… Please…
Luigi: I must be out of my mind, but I can’t resist battles.
Luigi jumps at Bonetail and kicks it in the jaw. The Mushroomers clap. Hooktail, as a response, gobbles the cheerers up. Gloomtail snarls.
Luigi: C’mon! Bring it!
Bonetail brings his gigantic foot down on Luigi. He is squashed like a bug.
Luigi: He brought it…
Luigi faints.
Hooktail: YAAAAAAY!!! GO, BONY!
Gloomtail: YEAH! GREAT, BRO!
Mushroomers: BOOOO!
Hooktail: Shaddup!
Hooktail has a feast on the Mushroomers. Soon, none are left but Toad and Toadette.
Toadsworth: No… I’m afraid this is the end…
Toadette: NOT YET! STAND BACK, DAD!
Toadette takes a ray gun out of her pocket and begins shooting Bonetail with it. He falls to the ground, unconscious. Toadsworth looks at his daughter for a second, then faints. Luigi wakes up.
Luigi: Wuh? What happened?
He looks at the unconscious Bonetail, and the ray gun in Toadette’s hand. He faints again.
Later…
Luigi wakes up to find himself in Toadsworth Manor, the home of Toadette and Toadsworth. Toadette is standing in front of him along with a stunned Toadsworth, who keeps looking at his daughter with a confused look.
Toadette: You gave me quite a scare there, Luigi. I guess I should have told you and my dad about being an agent for the Mushroom FBI…
Toadsworth faints dead away.
Toadette: … Yeah… But now you know…
Luigi: What happened to those dragons, uh, Agent?
Toadette: Call me Toadette. Anyway, Hooktail and Gloomtail ran away… FAST. I couldn’t catch up with them.
Luigi: And Bonetail?
Toadette: I was going to kill him for good, but then I saw this weird box laying on the ground. I opened it, but then this strong force came out of it and pulled Bonetail right in!
Luigi: Box? OH! That’s the box that holds the Shadow Queen and her minions!
Toadette: Really? Good thing I kept it! I guess we’ll need it to capture the Shadow Queen and the others.
Luigi: We?
Toadette: Certainly. You don’t think I’d let you go alone, do you?
Luigi: It’s too dangerous!
Toadette: Oh, puh-leez. I’m an FBI agent, Luigi.
Luigi: Well, okay…
Toadette: So, what’s the story? What’s been going on?
Luigi tells Toadette everything from the stormy night when he and Mario went to the cheese festival to the time they escaped from the castle and found the kingdom becoming a horror movie.
Toadette: … Wow...
Luigi: But I guess the kingdom is back to normal now, eh?
Toadette: Nope. Look.
Luigi looks out the window to see the kingdom is still a freak show.
Toadette: Right after Bonetail was sucked into the box, the kingdom filled up with Koopas and Goombas and all sorts of evil!
Luigi: Not good.
Toadette: Right. It won’t be easy getting to Castle Koopa.
Luigi: (shuddering) Don’t remind me.
Toadette: Poor Vivian! And her poor sisters!
Luigi: POOR SISTERS?! They’re evil! And they’re dopes!
Toadette: Well… I always had a thing for Marilyn…
Luigi stares at Toadette.
Luigi: You’re freaky. Well, we’d better go.
Toadsworth wakes up, sees Toadette, and faints again.
Toadette: My poor father. I’ll leave a note.
She scribbles some words down on some paper, then tears out a little of her hair and tapes it onto the note.
Toadette: Just so he knows it’s me.
The two rush out the door and run into a Goomba.
Goomba: Where are ya goin’, dorkazoid and dorkyazoid?
Toadette: … Weirdo.
Goomba: GRR! Why, I outta-
Luigi kicks the Goomba. It smashes into a wall.
Toadette: What an idiot. Let’s go.
Suddenly, an army of about three hundred Koopas, Goombas, Fuzzies, Whomps, etc. surround Toadette and Luigi.
Random Koopa: You’ll pay for squashing Emperor Goomba.
Luigi: (all sweaty) Uh… She did it!
He points at Toadette. She kicks him.
Toadette: Die you freaky thingies!
Toadette zaps the ground with her ray gun. It causes an earthquake. All the Koopas, Goombas, Fuzzies, Whomps, etc. and Luigi go flying into the wall the “Emperor” Goomba flew into. All but Luigi are miserably squashed.
Toadette: Time to go home!
Toadette opens the box and all the enemies and the emperor get sucked into it. Luigi narrowly misses getting sucked in, and crashes into another wall. Toadette closes the box.
Luigi: Owwwww… You’re worse then Mario…
Toadette: Thank you. Well, the kingdom is safe now.
Suddenly, an army of gigantic Wigglers runs into the kingdom.
Luigi: Let’s get out of here!!!
Toadette and Luigi rush out of the kingdom. All the houses except Toadsworth Manor, which was built from a very resistant material, tumble to the ground. As soon as they escape the kingdom, a tree falls on Luigi.
Luigi: This is not my day.
Toadette: I hope my father got the note I left.
Meanwhile…
Toadsworth wakes up.
Toadsworth: Ohhh, my head…
Toadsworth spies the note. He reads it.
Toadsworth: "Dear Daddy… I am sorry that I never told you before that I was an FBI agent…" HUH?! I feel dizzy…
Toadsworth then sees the lock of Toadette’s hair. It has a little FBI sign imprinted on it. Toadsworth faints.
Back with our heroes…
Luigi: I’m positive he got your note. Let’s go.
So they set off again, not seeing any enemies until…
Weird Voice: Mumble mumble mumble.
Luigi: Huh?!
Weird Voice: AUGH! Found me he has! Destroyed I will be!
Luigi: Wha-?! Wait a minute… I know that voice… BOWYER!
Bowyer: EEK! Here Smithy is! Run I must!
Toadette: Who are you?
Bowyer: Huh? Oh, Smithy you are not. Worried I was for a sec.
Luigi: Bowyer, what’s going on? Why aren’t you destroying us?
Bowyer: Sick I am of working for Smithy. Defied him I did. Screamed at me he did. Hiding out here have I ever since. But this darkness… chilling it is.
Toadette: It’s the Shadow Queen! She’s back.
Bowyer: No! Told me about her my Flunkies did. Horrible she is! Stop her I must!
Luigi: Erm, well, Bowyer, maybe, um, you could, um, since we’re, um, sorta lookin’ for the same, um, thing… You could join us?
Bowyer: What?
Toadette: He wants you to join us on our quest.
Bowyer: Hmmm… Good idea that is… Brains I would be, brawn you would be… Accept the offer I do.
Luigi: Good. We could use someone with brains on this team.
Toadette zaps Luigi with her ray gun. He faints.
Bowyer: Quiet this forest is.
Toadette: Too quiet.
Toadette picks up Luigi and the three set off to Castle Koopa.