Chapter 4: The Oinks of Defeat
LAST TIME, ON THIS STUPID FUN FIC…
Mario: Let’s go to Glitzville!
...
Chuck: I’m a Chuckster!
...
Close up of Grubba’s nostril.
...
Wallace is hurled into a vat of
Blue Fireball Extract.
..
Close up of Grubba’s other nostril.
...
Bowser: I HAVE THE CRYSTAL STAR!
...
The party parachutes off of Glitzville.
In Professor Frankly’s library…
Frankly: BOWSER TOOK THE CRYSTAL STAR?!
Mario: I couldn’t help it! He said NI a total of more than 229 times! With four exclamation points! IN THREE SECONDS!
Koops: Really? I thought it was four seconds.
Frankly: This is terrible. How will we know where to get the next Crystal Star?
Goombella: Well, sir…
Frankly: Yes?
Goombella: I have an Internet guide. It says to go to Twilight Town to get the Ruby Star, which is located in Creepy Steeply- uh, Steeple. Yeah.
Mario: Then let’s go there!
Frankly: I believe the entrance to Twilight Town is under West Rogueport.
Koops: Uh…
Frankly: What now?
Koops: Mario destroyed West Rogueport last chapter.
Frankly: The Great Zamboni is putting it together.
In West Rogueport…
Great Zamboni: Ha ha! Ho ho!
Mario: Hey, Great Zamboni! Why didn’t you appear in the last two chapters?
Great Zamboni: In Chapter 2 I was still killing the evil one who copyrighted my name, and in Chapter 3 I was busy putting this together.
Goombella: RUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
Doopliss: Why?
Doopliss does a dance, because he finally got a speaking role.
Goombella: GIANT CHICKEEEN!
Doopliss: Oh, smooth. Now you call me a-
Giant Chicken: BOK BOK BOK-KAAAW!
Doopliss: AAAAAAAAAAAH!
The entire party runs and trips, falling into the sewers.
Everyone: Oof!
Mario is the first to get up, and looks at a door.
Mario: Hey, it says “Twilight Town”!
Goombella: Let’s go into it!
Doopliss: I wonder why Twilight Town is underneath Rogueport…
In the room that the door leads to, there is an orange pipe.
Koops: Sa-weeet! We should have that Crystal Star in no time!
The party jumps into the pipe.
Pipe: *vree* Enter password.
Mario: Uh, let’s try “gloom”.
Pipe: Incorrect password. Prepare to be shot back out like a cork out of a champagne bottle.
The pipe shoots the party out like a cork out of a champagne bottle.
Goombella: Huh? But I don’t know what the password is!
45,235,729,387,592,835,792,835,729,387,529,835,729,835,729 tries later…
Pipe: Incorrect password. Prepare to be shot… *bonk* *bink* *vreeoooo*
BOOOM! The pipe’s security system overloads and spontaneously combusts, blasting the party out into Twilight Town like a cork out of a…
Mario: Haven’t you used that “champagne bottle” line enough? I mean, this is the 45,235,729,387,592,835,792,835,729,387,529,835,729,835,730th time you’ve said it.
Maguskoopa: Hm. Good point.
A church bell rings. The mayor comes up to the party.
Mayor: Leave now.
Doopliss: I will NOT leave!
Mayor: Please, it’s for your own good. If you don’t leave…
The bell rings, and the mayor is turned into a pig.
Koops: I assume we’ll be turned into pigs?
Goombella: That’s a mighty fine assumption.
Mario: Doopliss, what do you have to…
Doopliss: Not now, I’m reading. Ooh! I’ve got an idea!
Doopliss goes over to a pig.
Pig: Ernk!
Doopliss: Let’s see… Ah! Some Koopa Tea!
Doopliss pours the tea onto the pig. The pig turns into a… um… thing that lives in Twilight Town, who’s named Bob.
Bob: Hey! I didn’t know I could do that!
Doopliss: I knew it!
Mario: Uh… let’s go to the Steeple, which is through the woods.
Goombella: Sounds good to me, I guess.
The party tries to go out of Twilight Town, but Doopliss keeps pouring hot water on every pig in the village. The pigs turn into villagers.
Mario: STOP POURING WATER ON PIGS!
Doopliss: Aw man.
The party is then blocked by a stump.
Mario: Hmmm… I know what this calls for!
Koops: You do?
Mario: Yeah! Some Pringles!
Mario eats Pringles really fast.
Goombella: This is NOT the time to be eating potato chips!
Goombella stuffs Mario into the Pringles can. Mario rolls under the log because the can can go in smaller spaces than Mario usually can. Wow, I used the word “can” in this dialogue five times!
Doopliss: Pringles for everyone!
Everyone except for Mario eats Pringles, stuffs themselves into the can, and rolls under the log. Unfortunately, the party can’t figure out how to get the *&(*&$@&^@!&^#%^%#!#!$)!))!))$)!)$!^#%!%^#!%$#$@ out of the can.
Maguskoopa: Now, I will laugh at them. XD
The party rolls into the Dark Wood, then figures out how to get the *&(*&$@&^@!&^#%^%#!#!$)!))!))$)!)$!^#%!%^#!%$#$@ out of the can. This they now do.
In the Dark Wood…
Koops: What’s so scary about this place?
Hyper Cleft: Grack!
Maguskoopa: MUST KILL CLEFT!
BOOM!
Pile of Smoking Ashes Formerly Known as Hyper Cleft: Ow.
Crazee Dayzee: La la la, what a nice night.
Mario: AAAAAAH! IT’S A CRAZEE DAYZEE!
Mario drop-kicks the Dayzee into Flower Fields.
Other Crazee Dayzee: Hey! You meanie!
Goombella: I think now is a good time to…
Doopliss: RUUUUUUUUUUUN!
This they now do. At Creepy Steeple…
Koops: *wheeze* Who knew that *puff* rocks could hurt so much?
Koops faints from exhaustion and a buzzard completely fails to fly down onto Koops’s body.
Buzzard: Hey, I’m full! And I know he’s only fainted!
Maguskoopa: How could you know he isn’t dead?
The buzzard holds up a laptop.
Maguskoopa: Oh.
After Koops recovers, the intrepid explorers get into the Pringles can and roll under the Pringles-can-shaped hole in the wall. Strange how that happens, isn’t it? Every hole is shaped just right.
Goombella: Now, let’s go into Creepy Steeple!
Inside Creepy Steeple…
Doopliss: Wow. It sure is spooky in here!
Mario: I bet there are oodles of puzzles inside this chapel!
Egg: Oodle doodle.
Koops: Where did that egg come from?
Maguskoopa: The break room.
Mario: Hmm… I see a key and a locked door… and a non-Pringles-can-shaped hole in the wall, thanks to the author’s VERY BIG MOUTH!
Maguskoopa: DOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!
Goombella: However, the door and key are up very high.
Mario: So, based on this evidence… I will…
Doopliss: Eat more Pringles?
Mario: Nahh. I’m gonna use the grappling hook, which I just upgraded to a Hookshot!
Mario uses the Hookshot to grab the key, then grapples the party over to the locked door, which opens.
Koops: It isn’t supposed to be that easy, you know…
The party is assaulted by exactly 5,092,976.2 Crazee Dayzees.
Doopliss: How can there be one-fifth of a Crazee Dayzee?
The .2 Crazee Dayzee instantly disappears.
Goombella: Hey, I think I see a pattern here! Okay… You know, we’re supposed to have the Crystal Star by now.
Maguskoopa: Nice try, but only the author’s big mouth can alter the world. You have to say something about something NOT in the real game.
Mario: Ooooooh! So… These Crazee Dayzees shouldn’t be here, you know.
The Crazee Dayzees turn into Jigglypuffs, which are just as annoying. Mario and Co. run up the spiral stairs in this room and into…
Koops: OW!
Goombella: What? A wall?! There should be a door here!
A door completely fails to appear.
Doopliss: Hmm… Based on the mega gamma-flourons found in the wall that differentiate from this particular patch, I’d say the the neo-molecular makeup of this patch is different, suggesting a hollow space exactly five meters wide and five meters high. This space could suggest a particular opening suggested by Ding Dingadong in 1907 for the Archduke of Vicerio.
Rest of the party: …
Doopliss: I can’t help it if I can’t dumb things down for the layman. Okay, how’s this? There door.
Mario: Ohhhhh! You mean that there’s a false wall?
Doopliss: Exactly!
Koops: But we don’t have Flurrie with us!
Goombella: I have an idea! Let’s use the gigantic quarter I have in my Hat of Holding!
Three hours later…
Goombella: Wow, that took a while!
Doopliss: But at last, the door is open!
Inside the door… there is… A GHOST IN A SHEET WEARING A PARTY HAT! AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH!
Ghost: Yuk yuk yuk.
Doopliss: AHA! That laugh insinuates that the neo-gamma flourons–
BONK!
Doopliss: Ow.
Ghost: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAAA!!! This is almost as funny as cursing that dumb village of killjoys!
Mario: Wait… You were the one who made everyone turn into pigs?
Ghost: Yep!
Mario: Get him, DooPliss! Huh? Where’s the small P? I can’t say the name DooPliss!
Ghost: Just a safety measure. Now, watch this!
The ghost turns into a silouette of Mario.
Mario: Heh. How pathetic!
BONKA-BONKA-BONKA-BONK!
Silouette: Owww.
The silouette collapses, dropping the Crystal Star.
Mario?: I GOT THE CRYSTAL STAR!
Several hours later, the sillouhette wakes up. For those of you who are utterly confused, the shost in a sheet stole Mario’s name and body (but not his eyes) and ran off with the Crystal Star. Mario is the silouette.
Mario: Uhhh… Ow, my head. Huh? What?!
Why is my hand purple? OH MY DAD I TURNED INTO A SHADOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Mario runs around wildly.
Fairy: I’m here to help! Looking at your inventory could solve your problem!
BOOOOOOOOOM!
Mario: Phew… I guess I’ll head over to Twilight Town and catch that evil ghost.
Mario parachutes out the window, then realizes the “parachute” is really an anvil.
Mario: I’m gonna sue ACME as soon as I caaannn ttaaaaaaaaaalkkkkkk aaaaggaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnwhooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH–
WHAMMO! The anvil lands on a Cleft, squishifying it. Then Mario bounces off of the anvil and lands on the Wigglytuff (GASP!) from Chapter 1.
Wigglytuff: Wiggly!
Mario: BeZeRkEr!
Five minutes later…
Mario: And Viking heritage triumphs once again over the puffballs!
Later…
Mario: I hate forests.
Mario crawls out of the pipe leading to the woods, covered in flower petals, tree branches, green pebbles, and… uh… hair gel?
Mario: AAAAAAAAAAH! IT BURNS!
Maguskoopa: Just kidding, it’s a slug.
Mario: -_- I’m gonna rest up.
Mario goes back toward the village, but then DooPliss (the ghost) punches through the cheap paper cutout of a moon and confronts Mario. D'OH!
Ghost: Hahahaaa! Hey there, imposter. I’ll let you through if you can guess my name.
Mario: Okay, how’s about Rumplestilsken?
Ghost: Nope. Prepare to laugh! Yuk yuk yuk yuk!
Mario: RUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!
Mario runs through the cheap paper barrier, arriving in Twilight Town. Meanwhile…
Beldam: Vivian! You lost the Superbombomb that I was carrying! NOW GO AND FIND IT OR YOU WILL BE PUNISHED!
Vivian: Aaaaw…
Marilyn: GUH!
Marilyn blasts the nearest pig, turning it into fried bacon. Beldam then grabs Marilyn and the bacon, sinking into the ground.
Mario: AAAAAAAAAH! IT’S A SHADOW SIREN!
Vivan: *sigh* I’ll join you if you can find the Superbombomb.
Mario: You mean the grenade I just tripped over and accidentally ignited? Uhh, I threw it in the pumpkin patch…
BADA-BADA-BLADA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Vivan: Uh, I guess I’ll join you.
Later, Mario and Vivan run over the ghost.
DooPliss (the ghost): Aw man, that’s no fun!
Mario: Why are we going this way?
Vivian: To find the letter “P”.
Mario: You just said it.
Vivan: No, I mean the small “P”.
Mario: Oooooohhhh, you mean “p”?
Vivian: Yeah! But how come we can say it but not in DooPliss’ name?
Mario: Maybe the Namealyzer is malfunctioning.
Suddenly, the duo realizes they’re in the forest.
Mario: AAAAAAARGH!
Five hours later…
Crazee Dayzee: Welcome to this week’s episode of Storage Jars.
Vivian: Do you have a coal fireplace?
Crazee Dayzee: Yup.
Vivian: YOU KILLER!
Crayzee Dayzee: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I’M A FLORICIDAL MANIAC! NOW I HAVE TO GO AND TAKE A ROLE IN A NEW HORROR MOVIE!!! Wait, I never used the fireplace. Yay!
Mario: Yes! We finally made it to Creepy Steeple!
Vivan: Hmm… I think we should go down the well.
Mario: Why?
Vivian: Because there are THOUSANDS OF GHOSTS IN THE STEEPLE!!!
Luigi: Did someone say “ghosts”?
Mario: What are you doing here, Luigi?
Luigi: Who you gonna call?
Chorus: LUIGI!
Luigi: I am now a licensed Ghost Exterminator.
Vivian: Who gave you the license?
Luigi: Game Boo Advance.
Mario: Uhh… You got a license to hunt ghosts by a GHOST?!
Luigi: What’s your point?
Cue animé faint. Meanwhile…
DooPliss (the ghost): YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK!
Koops: Mario, what are we doing up here in Creepy Steeple?
DooPliss (the ghost): Uh… Just for a snack run…
Goombella: Oh. Hey, let’s watch the Stream of Consciousness Song!
Koops: WHAT?!
Goombella: The llama song, idiot.
DooPliss: HAHAHAAAAA!
Goombella: Hey, your eyes are different!
Flashback…
Goombella, DooPliss the Yoshi, and Koops are running down the stairs. Suddenly…
Mario’s voice: OH MY DAD I TURNED INTO A SHADOW!
End flashback.
Goombella: You must be the ghost!
DooPliss: Uh… um… er… o_____________o
Koops: Pfft!
DooPliss (Yoshi): XD
Smiley Army: IO IO IO IO IO IO IO (brainwashed smiley)
Back with Mario and Vivian…
Buzzy Beetles: Grrr…
Mario: Yeah, there ARE no ghosts here.
Vivian: How could I know that a colony of Buzzy Beetles had moved in?
Mario: *sigh* Guess I’ll have to use my porta-hole.
The Buzzy Beetles attack the porta-hole and fall in, landing in the center of the earth.
Vivian: Now I’ll use this big stone fist to smash down this odd wall. We’ll then come into a chamber with a parrot.
This happens.
Parrot: Pretty bird! Pretty bird!
Mario: Hey, a box.
Mario opens the box, and takes out the Holy Grail.
Mario: Just a cup.
Vivian then takes out…
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Boring Guy: Are you 80 years old and about to die? Buy our life insurance. Here are five half-hour long examples of dead people who used our insurance…
Maguskoopa: End commercial… NOW!
The commercial ends, for Maguskoopa said “End commercial… NOW!”
END COMMERCIAL
...The Letter “p”.
Everyone: YAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAY!!
Vivian: Mario, hold on to my hat.
Mario does this. Vivian sinks into the shadows, moving through the forest and back to the place where DooPliss (ghost) appears. DooPliss (ghost) rips through the moon and confronts Mario.
DooPliss (ghost): I’ll give you one more chance to guess my name, imposter!
Mario: Okay. D…o…o…p…l…i…s.
Doopliss (ghost): HAAAA! WRONG!
Mario: Oh, right! s.
Doopliss reverts back to his original form.
Doopliss (ghost): Uh…oh…
Mario: DIE, IMPOSTER!
Mario uses his Eclipse Cannon keychain to blast the moon, which falls down. Unfortunately, it completely misses Doopliss (ghost), falling into the forest. The good news is that the forest is now squishified. Also, the ghost’s name is now Duplighost, for copywright reasons.
Doopliss: Yay! I won my case!
Duplighost: NOOooOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOOOOOO!!!
VREEE!
Luigi: Luigi to the rescue!
Luigi pulls the sheet off Duplighost with the Poltergust, to reveal…
Party: EEEEEW EEEEWWW EWWWWW!
Ludwig Von Tokkentaker.
Ludwig Von Koopa: DIE, EVIL COPYRIGHTER!
BOOOOOOOOOM!
Tokkentaker: OH MY DAD I’M GONNA DIIIiiiieeeeee…
FOOM! Vivian causes a flaming meteor from outer space to incinerate Tokkentaker, just as Ludwig launches his special Freaky Clown-Seeking Missile. Tokkentaker perishes in a fiery inferno. WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Ludwig: High five, Vivian!
Goombella: Wait… Where’d the Crystal Star go off to?
Luigi: Uh… you mean this large red sparkly pointy star?
Mario: THE CRYSTAL STAR!
Mario grabs THE CRYSTAL STAR.
Koops: We have it! Yes!
Goombella: All right!
Doopliss: I got my name back!
Vivian: Sweet!
Luigi: Uh… yay?
Mario: YEAH! MARIO’S GOT THE CRYSTAL STAR!!!
END OF CHAPTER. NOW FOR THE EXTRANEOUS STORYLINE.
In the X-Naut base…
TEC: Peach, I called you here for a reason.
Peach: There’s always a reason.
TEC: Yes, but my Quiz Circuit went into overdrive. I need to give you a quiz now, or I’ll explode.
Peach: GIVE THE QUIZ ALREADY!!!
TEC: All right already. First question… What is the plot?
A. One and a half.
B. Grodus wants to enter the 999-Year
Window to resurrect an evil demoness, so he can take over the WORLD!!!
C. Grodus will use a death ray to blow
up the WORLD!!!
D. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
E. All of the above
F. BLAETH:O$IYGO$I*Y
G. Goosy Goosy!
H. JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
I. ANSWER ALREADY!
Peach: Hmmm… This is just a guess… But…. I think it’s H.
TEC: H?!
Peach: Uh, I meant F.
TEC: F?!
Peach: B?
TEC: Correct.
Peach: YAY! Wait. Uh oh… AAAAAaaaAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHH!! DEMONESS!!!
TEC: o_______o
Meanwhile, in Boggly Woods…
Iggy: What a neat place! I bet Roy would never find me in here!
Cleft: GRACK!
Iggy: AAAAAAAH! DIE, EVIL CLEFT!
ZOOOOOWWWIIIIP!
Iggy reverses the Cleft’s personal gravity, causing it to sail into space.
Iggy: Say… I already read Chapter 2! Mario already has it! So… why am I here? Hmmm…
Roy: Where are you, wimpy wimpus?
Iggy: O_O
Larry: O_O
Susan: Oh, Larry!
The author steps in, touching Larry just as Susan does.
Maguskoopa: I challenge you to a Koopaling Showdown!
One Koopaling Showdown later…
Maguskoopa: Yay! I get Larry and Wendy!
Susan: @#()%*&#@(*%&@)(*%&#)(%*&@#)(%*&#@)(%@#)(*#@)&#@*%@%_@(#*&%#@(*&%)#*%&)#*&%
)@(*#%&)#(*%&#)(*%&#)(*%&#)(*%&#)(%*&#)(%*#&%)*(@#&%)#(*%&#)(*%&#)(*%&#)(*%&#)%(*#&(%*#&%