Chapter 8: The End!!!
LAST TIME, ON THIS STUPID FF:
Frankly: You need to kill Clefts, and yadda yadda yadda.
Vivian: Mffmffmfff! MFFF!
Cut to the cannon being fired.
Mario: NOT ANOTHER ELECTRIC TILE MAZE!
Crump is blown away, and you see Goombario.
Goombario: I’m the Great Zamboni!
Mario: NOOOO! WE DIDN’T GET THE CRYSTAL
STAR!
The party is at the 999-Year Window.
Doopliss: Great. I could imagine one Star being missed, but TWO?!
Koops: Yeah, now what are we going to do?
Mario: Well, we could go on an exciting sidequest with dancing bear cubs…
Vivian: Umm… No.
Mario: Or we can just do this.
SMASH! Mario throws a huge boulder through the window.
Goombella: Umm… Mario… Just a little question…
Mario: Yeah?
Goombella: WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THAT BEFORE?!
Mario: I just noticed the boulder was in my pocket.
Animé faint. The party then climbs through the window and lands in a big hall.
Koops: Fine, let’s go through!
Three hours later…
Koops: Stupid… #(*%@&#($*#@&$(*@#… @#(*$&@#(*$&@(… #*(@… maze…
Koops faints.
Vivian: Hey, I just noticed something…
Doopliss: Yeah?
Vivian: The torches on the wall. Only one of them is alight!
Mario: HA! That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard!
Seven hours later, the party, through an act of faith, finally gets out into a… rather plain-looking hallway.
Koops: Okay! This should be easy! Let’s go and get to the other OW! OW! OWOWOWOWOWWWWW!!!
Metal spikes come up from the floor and spear Koops repeatedly. He gets to the other side, but is wounded badly.
Koops: I don’t advise you do that.
Goombella: Hey, Mario, I have an idea.
Mario: What?
Goombella: It’ll get us over to the other side, but we’ll need a Podoboo, a catapult, the entire supply of pistachio ice cream of Wisconsin, and a bear named Chester.
Doopliss: Oooooohhh… button. Must push…
Doopliss pushes the button and all the spikes come up at the same time, showing a clear path for the rest of the party.
Koops: OOOOOOHHHHHH!!! DISCRIMINATION!!
A pile of coins falls on Koops.
Koops: Sweet.
In the next room, there is a bone pile. And a blue Dry Bones.
Vivian: Déjà vu!
Mario: How? You came in later!
Vivian: Uhhhh… The Internet?
Timmy Turner: HEY! THAT’S MY LINE!
Maguskoopa: Yes, I do watch too much Nickelodeon.
Goombella touches the blue Dry Bones, which shakes and comes to life.
Dark Bones: MY NAAAAAAAME IS DAAAAAAARRK BOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNESSSSSSSS!
Mario: Yeah. So?
Dark Bones: You must beat me at a Mario Party minigame to go through!
Doopliss: Which one?
Dark Bones: The best one EVER– Daft Rafts!
Doopliss: Which?
Doopliss falls off of a waterfall that suddenly appears.
Dark Bones: Platform Peril on water.
Vivian: You think THAT’S the best minigame ever?
Dark Bones: Come on, I’m undead and I thrive on pain.
Vivian: I see. Would you care to tell me more?
Dark Bones: Certainly. I died on a dark and stormy night, when a huge bolt of lightning– Wait a… AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!
SPLOOSH! Dark Bones stays too long on his raft and falls of the waterfall.
Vivian: Works every time.
Koops: Every time LIVE, that is!
Innocent Toad: Don’t question things you can’t explain.
…
…
…
Maguskoopa: Are you sure you’re in the right script?
Innocent Toad: Oops. See ya!
Innocent Toad walks away.
Mario: Onwards!
In the next room, five golden Bullet Bill launchers shoot Missile Bills at the party. To make matters worse, a Swoopula suddenly attacks and spouts cheesy horror movie lines.
Swoopula: I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!
Doopliss throws an egg at the Swoopula.
Doopliss: HA! You’ll have to contend with some yolk first.
Doopliss is then nailed with a Missile Bill.
Missile Bill: But what does this REALLY mean?
Goombella: OH NO! A Philosopher Bill!
Missile Bill 2: All bullies are insecure.
Goombella: OH NO! It’s a Bullyproofing Bill!
Suddenly, for no apparent reason, all the launchers explode and send Rice Krispies across the room.
Mario: Huh?
Vivian: I had an Infininte Improbability Drive in my pocket.
Mario: Riiiiiiiiiight.
The next “room” is really a courtyard, with Chain Chomps on stakes jumping around, and a huge tower in the back of the room.
Chain Chomp: BARK BARK BARK!
Goombella: Hmm. I have an idea to get across to that tower…
Mario: Really?
Goombella: But it’s gonna need a popsicle, some duct tape–
Mario: Enough, MacGyver. We already did that.
Doopliss: Yeah, think of all the readers who are bored with this already!
Koops: Did you hear a wall break?
The tower crumbles into pieces because the Fourth Wall under it was a load-bearing wall. Beldam, Marilyn, and Duplighost are seen falling into the water and dissolving.
Vivian: YAY! NO MORE HAVING TO MAKE PANCAKES!
Also, a door on the other side opens up.
Mario: Hey, let’s go in there!
Inside is one of the most dangerous creatures alive…
Doopliss: OH NO! AN OVERWORKED GEOPHYSICYST!
OG: I’m just overworked.
Suddenly, all of the papers, laptops, paper clips, PDAs, and cell phones belonging to the OG form into the evil OFFICE SUPPLY DRAGON!
OSD: RAAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!
Random Goomba: *girly scream*
The OSD breathes paper clips, dangerously wounding Vivian, but accidentally coughs up a button. Vivian presses the button, the dragon explodes in a stream of work, and Vivian is instantly healed… somehow…
Goombella: Hey, a passage! Let’s go downstairs!
Downstairs, the party finds a huge room full of mechanics. After getting through it…
Heckler: HEY! MORE DETAILS!
A bolt of lighting flies from the glowing wand of the author, incinerating the heckler for five seconds in a glowing red color…
Pile of Ashes Formerly Known as Heckler: Why are you so touchy?
KAZAP!
Pile of Quantum Energy Formerly Known as Pile of Ashes blah blah blah: Zipping lips.
ANYWAYS, the party winds up in a room.
Doopliss: A room? Puh-leez! We need more DETAILS-
Doopliss falls off of the tiny sliver of platform Mario’s standing on, then jumps back on, in considerable pain.
Doopliss: S-s-spike r-r-room…
Mario: Time to use my Hookshot!
Mario grapples over to the next room, the final room, the ONE! THE ONLY! THRONNNNNE ROOOOOOOOOOOM!
Mario: Okay! What awful boss will we be fighting next?
Peach appears at the other end of the throne room in a green bubble.
Koops: Princess Peach?!
Grodus smashes through the wall.
Grodus: Prepare to die!
Grodus knocks Peach behind the throne, then starts launching lighting at the party.
Goombella: Quick, Vivian- BLAGIDI! Hook -BLAGIDI- this to -BLAGIDI- his head!
Grodus incinerates the thingy.
Mouse: The thingy? WHICH thingy?
Other Mouse: Er, the thingy, er, the thingy, er, the thingy…
First Mouse: Maybe it’s this big SNAP argh argh argh…
The other mouse faints, and the first mouse drags her back into a mousehole.
Grodus: Fool! You cannot defeat me! I have Norton Anti-Virus!
Doopliss: Oh yeah? Well, I have Morton Anti-Anti-Virus!
Doopliss holds up a video recording of Morton performing his Speech About Speeches (volumes 1 through 35 uncut), and the Norton Anti-Virus overloads.
Grodus: Ha! I’m still invincible!
Mario: I wouldn’t say that.
Grodus: Why not?
A Thwomp falls on Grodus, but shatters into millions of tiny pieces.
Maguskoopa: Hmmmm…
A horde of Clefts are picked up and thrown at Grodus. They shatter into more tiny pieces.
Maguskoopa: YAY! This is fun!
Grodus: I was saying, why not?
Vivian: Because I know your weakness!
Grodus: PAH! I don’t have one!
Mario plugs a scanner into the handy USB port on Grodus’s head. Grodus’s head and staff turn opaque blue, and he explodes, sending his battered body and the bubble containing Princess Peach into a hole behind the throne.
Vivian: Yes you do.
Koops: How…?
Vivian: It’s simple. He uses the Windows operating system. He just got the Blue Screen of Death because I plugged a scanner in his head while he was still operational.
Goombella: Maybe we should get going…
Then!
Mario: ACK!
Lemmy bursts in through the wall.
Lemmy: WHERE IS THAT DEMON?!
Mario: What are you talking about?
Lemmy: There’s supposed to be a demon around here that will endanger us all!
Mario: I believe you mean “demoness”.
Lemmy: Oh, the Shadow Queen? No, someone else who will endanger the whole of Nintendo! He… is… Wait. WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?! RUN AWAY!
Lemmy runs away through the hole that Grodus and Peach created. When the party goes in, they find Grodus offering Princess Peach up to a big, dark… thingy… Yeah…
Big Dark Thingy: HEY! MY NAME’S THE SHADOW QUEEN!!
The Shadow Queen incinerates Grodus and punts his head into deep space, rolls Peach back out of the room, and comes right toward… ACK! STAY AWAY FROM ME!
DSLOIGEHRLIUGHERLIUGHERITRHEKGHERU!!!
HA! I’ve posessed the author!
Mario: Eat this Cleft!
Cleft: GRACK! KILL THE AUTHOR!
OH NO!!!
WHAMMMO!
Shadow Queen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo*unpossess*
Maguskoopa: YAY! I’m back in my own body! Oh yeah, before I forget…
A big guy with a scythe spears the Cleft and it dies.
Shadow Queen: I still have full access to all of my powers! Now, try THIS!
The Shadow Queen performs all sorts of cool poses, but then Luigi comes and vacuums her up. She turns out to have 1 HP and can’t move.
Luigi: That ghost was easier than a mouse!
If any of you have played Luigi’s Mansion, you know what I mean. As for the rest… NA NA NA NA NA!
RUMBLE!
Mario: Did you hear something?
RUMBLERUMBLE!
Doopliss: What the cheese?
RUMBLERUMBLERUMBLEKABLAMMMO!! A huge spaceship appears from under the floor and carries the entire party and Lemmy into deep space. Luigi falls into the hole, lands on a trampoline, and winds up back in Rogueport.
Luigi: It’s sweet being the author’s favorite hero.
In deep space…
Goombella: OH NO! THERE’S NO OXYGEN ON THE MOON! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Koops: Wow. Déjà vu all over again.
The actual final villain of this story comes out… The most vile creature in the history of Nintendo…
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! BILL GATES!!!
Bill Gates: HAHA! It is I, the ruler of Microsoft! My mighty Halo soldiers and I will conquer the world! But first I need to get you meddlers out of the way!
WAIT!
Maguskoopa: Ahem. Since this is the final battle between the forces of Good (not counting Lemmy) and Microsoft, this battle will be decided in proper RPG format (PM style). Thank you.
BATTLE BEGIN
Mario
HP: 45
FP: 30
Goombella
HP: 30
FP: 40
Lemmy
HP: 50
FP: 300
Mario: Three hundred?!
Maguskoopa: Oops, extra zero there.
Lemmy
HP: 50
FP: 30
Lemmy: Awwwww…
VERSUS
Bill Gates and Big Bag of Money
Bill Gates
HP: 120
FP: N/A
Big Bag of Money
HP: 50
FP: N/A
Bill Gates goes first!
Bill Gates uses Dollar Slap!
Mario: YEOWCH!
Mario HP: 43
Big Bag of Money just sits there.
Goombella switches to Doopliss.
Doopliss: Time to end this, amigo!
Doopliss uses Stampede!
Big Bag of Money HP: 40
Bill Gates is protected by his billions
of dollars.
Doopliss: WHAT?!
Mario: OH NO! He has an unfair advantage!
Lemmy: Leave this to me!
Lemmy uses Freeze Gun!
Mario: How is that supposed to work?
Lemmy rewrites the attack.
Lemmy uses Freeze Account!
KASHINK!
Big Bag of Money HP: .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001
Big Bag of Money is frozen!
Bill Gates: Since when can you do that?
Lemmy: I rewrote the attack by ursurping the computer for a few seconds.
Mario uses Hammer Tap and does
.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 damage!
Big Bag of Money is defeated!
Bill Gates: THIS ISN’T THE END!
Bill Gates summons two Halo Soldiers
and an Xbox!
Halo Soldiers HP: 70
Xbox HP: 15
Halo Soldiers use Missile Launcher!
KABLAM!
Doopliss: NOOOOO!
Doopliss HP: 0
Doopliss faints!
Xbox countdown is 2.
Doopliss switches to Vivian!
Vivian: Heheh…
Vivian uses Fiery Jinx!
FOOSH! FOOSH! FOOSH!
Bill Gates HP: 105
Halo Soldiers HP: 65
Xbox HP: 9
Mario uses Throw Cleft!
Cleft: GRACK!
Maguskoopa: MUST KILL CLEFT!
Halo Soldiers: WAIT! YOU’RE AIMING
AT US!
KABLAMMO!
Cleft HP: 0
Cleft is defeated!
Halo Soldiers HP: 30
Lemmy uses Freeze Gun!
KASHINK!
Halo Soldiers HP: 15
Halo Soldiers are frozen!
Halo Soldiers are frozen and cannot move!
Bill Gates uses ESRB attack!
Mario: NO! NOT THAT!
RATED AO!!!
Mario HP: 1
Vivian HP: 1
Lemmy HP: 1
Xbox countdown is 1.
Vivian: *huff* This is tough.
Vivian uses Cheap Healing Attack!
Mario HP: 10
Vivian HP: 10
Lemmy HP: 15
Lemmy: Hee hee. I stole the effects.
Lemmy uses Delete!
Bill Gates is a boss and cannot be
defeated so easily!
Xbox HP: 1
Lemmy: Curse you, whoever thought of that!
Mario: Two can play at the “fight dirty”
game!
Mario uses Ipod Laser!
KAAAaaaaaaa…FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
Bill Gates: NO! MY WEAKNESS!
Bill Gates HP: 20
Bill Gates is MP3d!
Xbox is fiercely protected by a fanboy!
Bill Gates is MP3d! He is too busy fighting off lawyers and music pirates to attack!
Xbox is finished charging!
Lemmy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THAT!
NOT THE–
Xbox uses Super Xbox Live Modem Attack!
KA-BOoooooOOOOOoooOOOOOooooOOOOoooOOOOOoooOOOOOoooOOOOOoooMMM!
ZZZAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!
Mario is defeated!
Vivian is defeated!
Lemmy is defeated!
Xbox self-destructs!
GAME OV–
The word “game” lands on Bill Gates, causing the single 1-Up he was carrying to land on Lemmy!
Bill Gates isn’t MP3d anymore for plot advancement!
Bill Gates HP: 2
Lemmy HP: 50
Lemmy: It seems we’re finally done.
Bill Gates: WAIT! I have Wendy onboard the ship! If you defeat me, the ship self-destructs and–
Both Lemmy and Bill Gates see Wendy in an escape pod flying back to Plit.
Bill Gates: Um… You wouldn’t be willing to reconsider?
Lemmy: THIS IS FOR NINTENDO!!!
Lemmy summons Shigeru Miyamoto!
Shigeru Miyamoto uses Japanese Fanbase
Attack!
Bill Gates is defeated!!!
Bill Gates: JUST WAIT 'TIL NEXT TIME!!!
A Plitian police spaceship arrests Bill Gates.
Lemmy: YEAHHHH!!!
The next day, at Peach’s Castle Courthouse…
Judge: I find Bill Gates and his two Halo Soldiers guilty of destroying universes, vandalism (destroying the Palace of Shadow), and MP3 piracy!
Bill Gates: I keep telling you I didn’t do the MP3 thing!
Judge: Overruled! I hereby sentence the two Halo Soldiers for either eight hours in maple syrup, or twice that amount in tomato soup! Which do you choose?
Halo Soldier 1: Uh, tomato soup!
Halo Soldier 2: Oh right, just because your armor is RED–
Chuckster: I’M A CHUCKSTER!
Halo Soldiers: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
KERPLUNK! The two Halo Soldiers are thrown into a swimming pool of tomato soup and thrash about.
Judge: As for Bill Gates, my sliding scale of justice sentences you… to… 999 years inside the now-ruined Palace of Shadow!
Chuckster: I’M A CHUCKSTER!
Bill Gates: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
WHAM! Bill Gates is thrown into the Palace of Shadow and is sealed away by the newly-repaired 999-Year Window.
Judge: As for Mario and his party, I award them the entire profits of Microsoft! For that is the treasure in the Palace of Shadow!
Lemmy runs away before the two Policetoads in front of the entrance can catch him.
Judge: Dang. How did he know? As for Shigeru Miyamoto, he will be sent back to Earth and take control of the programmers of Microsoft Industries!
Miyamoto: YEAH! THE MONSTER HAS BEEN VANQUISHED!
Shigeru Miyamoto starts doing a jig while he is sent back.
Mario: Sweet! We get billions of dollars and defeated Microsoft!! What more can one ask for?
Koops: Tomato soup?
Mario: Be quiet.
THE END!!!
What happened to everyone later?
Goombella: Became a top scholar, went to Earth, and trapped 334 symbologists in a single cubicle, causing many students to dance in glee.
Koops: Went back to his hometown and became a top breakdancer.
Doopliss: Returned to the Glitz Pit, where he started running his own hotdog stand.
Vivian: Made 23,984,729,382,743,982,743,947 pancakes for various reasons, went insane, and is now living in Dry Dry Desert, constantly making more pancakes.
Halo Soldiers: Never recovered from their 16 hours in tomato soup and eventually sold their pictographic rights to National Geographic.
Bill Gates: Is still trapped in the Palace of Shadow.
Mario: Went home. Yeah. Oh, and built a mansion.
Luigi: Is now living in Mario’s mansion, and jumps in fear from sight of a painting.
The Koopalings: Find out in my next FF, Once and For All!
| If you would like to send some feedback
to the author of this submission, please complete this form.
What's your name?
What's your Email address?
How do you rate this submission?
Does this submission belong in Little
Lemmy's Land?
Would you like to see more from this author? Comments and suggestions:
|
