Note: To all those who are curious as to the origin of this story, play Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door. Throughout the game, Luigi will give you accounts of his own tales in vague detail. This is his story. Or at least my version of his story.
Chapter 1: Over Sea, Under City
The camera zooms in on the Mario house. A Paratroopa with a mailbag flies in.
Paratroopa: Mail Call!
(Luigi walks out to get the mail, takes a letter out of the mailbox, and returns to the house. Mario enters the plot.)
Luigi: Hey Bro! Check it out! A letter from Princess Peach arrived for you! I'll just read it to you, how's that sound? Ahem! Now, let's see here...
Hello there, Mario!
I am now on holiday, traveling in the Mushroom Kingdom. In my travels, I came into possession of a mystical map.. .a treasure map, actually. I thought you could help me hunt for it! You will, of course, won't you? I'll meet you at Rogueport. (That means you MUST come!)
-Peach
Luigi: What do you know? It's true! There's a weathered old map in here with this letter. Check it out!
Mario rushes out of the house with the map.
Luigi: Wait! Why does my brother have to have such a short attention span? There's still another letter here. Well, I may as well read this.
Sirs! My name is Crepe. I am a cabinet minister in the far-off Waffle Kingdom. Our land has been attacked by the Chestnut King, who took our Princess Eclair. I ask, nay, BEG for your assistance! The Waffle Kingdom needs your skills. I humbly request your prompt response, sirs.
Sincerely, Crepe
Luigi: This is it! The chance I've been waiting for! I'll show the world what the Superstar Luigi can do! ... But first, I'll leave a note here to remind myself what I'm cooking. Now, onward I depart, to brave all foes that stand in my way, showing no fear, conquering the pitiful fools that... er... hm. That, um, uh, well, stand in front of me... or something. Hm. Better leave another note to remind myself to come up with a better catchphrase... thing. Um, catchphrase, battle cry? Well, I'll just write another note to remind myself to read a dictionary and find out what that thing I just said was. Wait, wait, I don't have a dictionary. Better write another post-it to remind myself to buy one. Of course, that means...
Three hours and five-hundred thirty-six post-its later...
Luigi: There, that ought to do it!
The floor and walls of the room are completely covered in post-it notes.
Luigi: Now, I take along my trusted hammer, and away I go!
Cool intro music plays, and for some reason, the words "Press Start" appear beneath where Luigi stands, striking a cool pose, surrounded by friends and foes he will undoubtedly encounter upon his ventures. A curtain closes, then opens again, revealing Luigi on a boat.
Luigi: (singing out of tune) To the Waffle Kingdom I will go, I rescue Princess Eclair, High-ho-the-dairyo, I can't think of a rhyme.
Koopa steering the ship: Waffle Kingdom, ho! And not a minute to soon, I can't take another minute of this guy's singi-
Luigi: High-ho-the-dairyo, I can't think of a ryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-
Koopa: AHHHHHHHHH!
As Luigi attempts to sing, the Koopa kicks him onto shore, then sails off as fast as possible.
Luigi: -yyyyyyyhme! Woah, I'm here. Well, time to no doubt encounter numerous enemies before I finally reach the Waffle Kingdom, gain numerous Star Points, gain a few levels, and-
Luigi glances across the street, and sees a kingdom directly across it.
Luigi: Well, there's a chance that that's not the WAFFLE Kingdom, and just some other kingdom that I must pass through and is infested with enemies, and I can still gain gold and Star Points from them-
There is a sign above the gate leading to the kingdom that reads "Welcome to the Waffle Kingdom, NOT some other kingdom that is infested with enemies from whom one may gain gold coins and Star Points.
Luigi: Well... maybe the sign is lying!
There is a sign next to that sign that says "No, that sign isn't lying. Stop with the annoying stalling already, Luigi."
Luigi: Oh, stupid adventure!
Luigi enters the gate, and is greeted by two spear-holding creatures who look like Toad, except with waffles on their heads instead of mushrooms.
Waffle Guard 1: Halt! None may enter!
Luigi: Why not?
Waffle Guard 2: By order of Crepe, our cabinet minister.
Luigi: But I got this letter from him, and I need to get in to-
Waffle Guard 1: NONE MAY ENTER!
Suddenly, Luigi formulates a brilliant plan.
Luigi: I can beat the living daylights out of the guards and take their experience points
I said a BRILLIANT plan.
Luigi: Fine! I'll just crawl through the sewers like any normal, not superstar person!
Waffle Guard 1: (whispering) Who's he talking to?
Waffle Guard 2: No clue.
Luigi, whistling innocently, casually lifts the cover off a manhole directly in front of the guards, then slowly begins to lower himself into the manhole, then accidentally falls down it, landing in the murk at the bottom.
Waffle Guard 1: Does he really think we didn't notice that?
Waffle Guard 2: Who cares? The thing that lives in the sewers will probably kill him anyway.
Meanwhile, in the sewers...
Luigi: Ew, it smells like Mario's socks down here! Well, no use worrying about it. (singing again) A-wading I will go, through the sewers here down low, high-ho-the-dairyo, I still can't think of a rhyme.
Luigi trudges on until he spots a Cheep Cheep gasping for breath in the foul sludge that is the Waffle King sewers.
Cheep Cheep: *gasp* Please, sir, if you could transport me to a clean lake or river, then I will grant you three wish-
Luigi: Wah! Talking fish! Kill!
Luigi beats on the Cheep Cheep repeatedly with his hammer until it stops breathing.
Luigi: Woohoo! My first battle. I get gold and Star Points!
Luigi continues on, still happy over his first "victory.", not noticing that 1) The Cheep Cheep isn't quite defeated yet and 2) As such, he didn't get any experience. Soon, he comes across a giant Blooper.
Blooper: Who dares to disturb my lair?
Luigi: Yay! Boss fight! Boss fight! Er, I mean, I am Luigi, superstar extraordinaire! I have slain your minion! Now surrender thy Star Points, lest thou resemblest a, um, flat, giant Blooper!
Blooper: ... Okay...
Luigi: I see you now shaking in fear! Prepare yourself!
Blooper: ... I don't even have any minio- Ak!
Luigi: Ha! How does my hammer taste, fiend?
Blooper: Grr... So, it's a fight you want, is it?
Luigi: Yesyesyesyesyesyesohyes!
Blooper: Then take this! Ink Blast!
Luigi: Ow! That hurt! Hyah!
The two wage battle against each other, Luigi smacking the Blooper with his hammer and jumping on him, the Blooper attacking Luigi with ink and smacking him with his tentacles.
Luigi: *pant, pant* Only one thing to do. Look! Your favorite food and/or drink!
Blooper: Do you really think that I'll fall for that?
Luigi: I was sort of hoping so, yes.
Blooper: So while I was looking for my favorite food and/or drink, you could sneak up behind me, and whack me with your hammer?
Luigi: More or less.
Blooper: I would never fall for a trick that stupid! Seriously, who do you think I am? A fool?! A-
While the Blooper is rambling on, Luigi walks up to one of his tentacles and gives it a good hard whack with his hammer.
Blooper: Ow! Pain! It burns, it-
While the Blooper is hopping about in pain, Luigi repeats this procedure on the Blooper's other tentacle.
Blooper: Ow! I can't feel my tentacles! Why you-
Luigi jumps on top of the Blooper's head, and raises his hammer.
Blooper: Oooh, this is gonna hurt.
CRACK! Poor Blooper. If he had any bones, they would be broken from the force of Luigi's blow.
Luigi: Well, that wasn't too bad. And now I can get into the Waffle Kingdom!
Luigi continues his journey through the sewer, with no other incidents. Luigi emerges from a manhole in the Waffle Kingdom. For some reason, no one notices that he suddenly pops out of the sewers.
Luigi: Where is everyone? Huh. Well, I guess that I had better find that Crepe guy. And there's the castle up ahead. How anti-climatic. In I go!
Luigi enters the castle, and finds himself inside a humungous hallway, across from which is a throne. Standing next to the throne is an old Waffle citizen.
Waffle Citizen: Ah, Luigi! Welcome! I am Crepe. I apologize for the guards, but I believed that, were you the Legendary Luigi, you would have no trouble entering our humble city. I trust the journey was not to perilous?
Luigi: No, I just had to kill a giant freak of nature. Now then, what's the trouble?
Crepe: It is indeed a sad time for our kingdom. Our fair princess, Eclair, has been captured by the horrible Chestnut King. I have sent our citizens out to track him down, but to no avail. They are still searching, which is why the kingdom is empty. This is where you come in.
Luigi: Yes?
Crepe: Here is the base to the Magnificent Compass, a fabled artifact from our land, spoken of in Waffler fables. It is said that, when placed in the hands of a true hero, it will point to the next piece of it. You see, an ancient curse split the compass into seven pieces, which were then scattered across the land. As one of the pieces is embedded in the princess' tiara, the compass will eventually point to where she is. Here, take the base.
The second Luigi touches the base, it lights up, and a map of the world appears. An image of a small piece of the compass is illuminated on the southern part of the map.
Crepe: Ah, Rumblebump Volcano, on the Pudding Continent. Sail there from Rogueport. That is all that I know. Should you recover our princess, I will cover you in riches.
Luigi: Thank you, but we heroes require no rewards.
Crepe: You are indeed noble. Go now. Your journey begins here, Luigi.
END CHAPTER 1
And so, Luigi sailed back to Rogueport, desperate to find the princess, hoping that despite the fact that he turned down the reward, Crepe would force him to take it anyway. Thus began the quest for the Magnificent Compass and to save Princess Eclair.
To Be Continued...
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