The Koopas were sitting around the Koopa Lounge. It was their daily Think Session. Every day the Koopas spent about 15 minutes thinking, and then they shared their thoughts. Supposedly this exercise helped them to know and understand themselves and their family better.

“Okay,” said Bowser, ending the first part of the session. Bowser usually shared first, so he continued speaking. “Here’s my thought for the day: Mario aggravates me.”

The Koopalings nodded their agreement. After a short discussion, they continued around the ring.

“I was wondering if some flowered wallpaper would look nice in here,” Clawdia said.

“No,” said Morton, Iggy, Roy, and Ludwig.

“Yes,” said Larry, Morton, Wendy, and Lemmy.

“Whatever you think, honey,” said Bowser.

“I was considering the most profitable immediate action I could take to improve Grass Land,” said Larry.

“Increase taxes.”

“Use fertilizer to grow more plants.”

“Bug Dad to raise your allowance.”

Morton spoke next. “I was pondering the mystery of who wrote Shakespeare’s plays."

“Shakespeare, of course.”

“Francis Bacon.”

“I did.”

“Who’s Shakespeare?”

Then it was Wendy’s turn. “Pass,” Wendy decided.

“I was reflecting on what a stud I am,” said Iggy.

“Dream on!”

“Pfft!”

Wendy fell to the floor, laughing.

“I was perfecting my plan on how to pound Morton,” Roy said.

“Help!”

“What a bully!”

“Go to the dungeon, Roy!”

Roy shrugged and walked down to his regular cell.

“I was thinking about quantum physics,” said Lemmy. “I’m learning it in school but I don’t understand it yet.”

Nobody understood what Lemmy was talking about... except Ludwig.

“Quantum physics are easy!” said Ludwig. “Come to my room later and I’ll show you. “I was thinking about my inventions,” he continued. “I have an idea, Dad! Why don’t we all build inventions and go beat up Mario?”

“Good idea!” Bowser agreed. “Koopalings, go build inventions. Meet here tomorrow at the regular time. The Koopaling with the best invention will get a chance to fight Mario.”

The Koopalings ran to their rooms to brainstorm inventions.

***

The next day the Koopalings entered the Koopa Lounge with bundles covered in sheets. Roy was still in the dungeon.

First Larry showed his invention. “It’s my Changem Changem Color PC,” he explained. “I can use it to change the laws of nature. I can make the sky green and the grass blue, I can rewrite the law of gravity, I can even say that Koopas always win! Of course, I’m not quite sure yet how to program it, but I’m sure I’ll learn.”

Next Morton displayed his invention. “This is my Melt Gun when I point it at someone and pull the trigger they melt into a little puddle and then you can jump in them and they splash all over and man is it fun to do that but to do it first you need to used my Melt Gun this is it when I point it at someone and pull the trigger...”

Bowser quickly moved on to Wendy. “I invented a not-yet-patented Super Deluxe Silence Creation Device, also known as my Shut Up Machine. I will now demonstrate.” Wendy produced a sock. She picked it up and showed it to everyone.

“Wow it’s a sock and Wendy says it’s a not-yet-patented Super Deluxe Silence Creation Device and I wonder what that means and what it does I hope Wendy shows us soon because I’m excited and I wonder if her invention is better than mine it probably isn’t because I invented a Melt Gun when I point it at someone and pull the trigger...”

Wendy held up her invention. Then she strode over and stuffed the sock in Morton’s mouth.

(muffled) “Splash all over and man is it fun to do that but to do it first you need...”

“Ta-da! My invention has created silence.” Wendy smiled. Then Bowser, Larry, Iggy, Lemmy, and Ludwig clapped. Wendy sat down.

Iggy showed his invention next. “This is the Invisible Gun that I invented recently,” he explained. “You can make yourself invisible and then do whatever you want without being seen. Well, duh you can’t be seen. But anyway, that’s what my invention does.”

“This is my Clone Making Invention,” said Lemmy. “The name kind of says it all. You set the gun to Scan and point it at the thing you want to clone. Then you set it to Replicate, pick a number with the dial, and pull the trigger. The gun then makes that number of clones of the thing you scanned.”

Ludwig was the last to show his invention. “My latest invention is an Uneducated Simpleton Ray Firearm.”

“A what?” asked Bowser.

Ludwig sighed. “Well, you fools can just call it a Stupid Idiot Ray Gun. When you pull the trigger, it shoots microscopic particles of encapsulated DNA at a target which hopefully has been carefully selected using my advanced target search and lock-on device, which is conveniently located onboard the firearm. If the firearm functions properly, the DNA capsules will discharge from the firearm at a high velocity. They will pierce the epidermis of the target and enter the bloodstream. They will then invade the brain and cause the target to become an uneducated simpleton. Depending on where the capsules collide with the target, they may take longer to have an effect.”

“Translation?” asked Bowser.

Ludwig sighed again. “Look. You pull the trigger. The gun fires small things at something. The small things hit the something. In a little while the something gets very stupid. Okay?”

“Okay,” Bowser smiled stupidly. “Um, Ludwig wins. Ludwig, meet me here in an hour with a battle plan and we’ll go attack Mario and Luigi.”

***

One hour later, Ludwig met Bowser in the Koopa Lounge. They boarded Bowser’s doomship and flew to Mario’s house. They got off and peeked through a window of the house.

Mario and Luigi were arguing. “Here’s the plan,” said Ludwig. “We advance sneakily on Mario and Luigi’s posterior sides. We activate the firearm’s target search and lock-on to Mario and Luigi. Then I pull the trigger. Mario and Luigi should not realize that they are under siege. We will wait for the DNA to take effect. Then we will reveal ourselves and easily defeat Mario and Luigi.”

Ludwig smiled. Bowser gave him a blank look.

“Sneak up behind Mario and Luigi. Shoot them. Wait until they get stupid and then attack normally.”

“Who first?” asked Bowser.

“My firearm has dual barrels that are capable of being adjusted separately to lock-on to multiple targets at the exact same instant. Um, you can shoot two guys at once, okay?” Ludwig explained.

“Okay,” said Bowser.

Ludwig activated the gun. He adjusted the gun’s barrels and stared intently at the target find screen. Finally Ludwig was locked on to Mario and Luigi. He held the gun steady and pulled the trigger.

“Direct hit!” Ludwig whispered. “The DNA should commence having an effect in approximately one minute.”

Bowser decided to settle for understanding that something good was happening.

One minute later, Ludwig gave the signal. Bowser and Ludwig charged at Mario and Luigi.

“Look-a Luigi!” yelled Mario. “It’s-a those naughty Koopas!”

“Save-a me, Mario!” screamed Luigi. “It’s-a Ludwig and Bowser, and they look-a mean!”

Ludwig tackled Luigi and Bowser tackled Mario. They rolled around the floor of the Marios' house, punching and kicking, pushing and yelling.

Finally Mario was able to say, “Look-a, Koopas! It’s-a Princess-a Toadstool!”

“Where?” Bowser asked excitedly, looking around.

“Quick, Mario!” ordered Ludwig. “Inform me of the current exact location of the princess!”

Bowser grabbed Ludwig. They squeezed through the door and looked excitedly up and down the road.

“I do not perceive any trace of Princess Toadstool in the immediate vicinity,” Ludwig pouted.

“I don’t see Princess Toadstool,” Bowser complained.

“Were your auditory organs not attuned to my speech?” asked Ludwig. “I very recently made that exact observation.”

Bowser turned to go back in the house and fight some more. While he and Ludwig had been arguing, Mario and Luigi had closed the door, locked it, barricaded it, and sat down to lunch.

Ludwig came over, and he and Bowser peered through a window.

“Mario and Luigi devised an unexpectedly clever plan,” he mused. “My firearm must have malfunctioned to some degree.”

Bowser and Ludwig took the gun and went home.

***

The next day, the Koopas met again for their Think Session. When Ludwig’s turn came, he said, using the simplest words he could think of, “I have come to a conclusion as to why my gun did not work against Mario and Luigi. My gun was designed to turn ordinary organisms into idiots. However, Mario and Luigi are already idiots. Therefore, my gun had no effect on their minds.”

“Well why didn’t you think of that before we attacked?” Bowser roared. “You made us look like idiots because Mario and Luigi were already idiots so you couldn’t turn them into idiots!”

“Scientific method, Dad,” Ludwig shrugged. “The experiment with the gun did not support my hypothesis. As you would say, back to the drawing board.”

“Yeah, well I hope your drawing board is portable,” said Bowser. “Because you’re going to be spending a very long time in the dungeon!”

Ludwig shrugged and walked down to his regular cell. “Hi, Roy,” he said.

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