The Map of Plit

By Artemendo

Chapter 6: Illusions and Delusions, Draw A Conclusion

Artemendo: Hello folks! I'm gonna give ya another silly quote! *shakes his head* The virus of unintelligent speech is everywhere...

"Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus" ~Harrius Potterus bookus, J.K. Rowling

"Our next destination shall be the Forest of Illusions," Iggy exclaimed after he and Lemmy removed the last metallic plate from the port of Chocolate Island. The harbor regained its beatiful brown color again.

Lemmy took a bite out of a nearby house and asked, "Hey, Iggy, why did we have to take away those iron thingies? Normally all unnatural changes in the landscape caused by villains' evil deeds fade away magically between the chapters after the respective villain's defeat."

Iggy turned towards the sky angrily. "All Artemendo's blame. He wanted the story to look more 'realistic', that idiot! How can a stupid Scribble-like story like this be realistic anyway? Look at yourself, Lemmy! You bit a house!"

Lemmy spat out the brown stone and muttered, "No need to be insulting."

The Koopalings got ready for the journey. It would be a long way to the Forest of Illusions, and only the strong and wise could make it through the labyrinth-like woods and reach the "Mansion That Haunted Is" deep in the heart of the scary sea of trees. The old mansion had a library where our young heroes hoped to find a map of the other parts of Dinosaur Land. But rumor was that a horrible monster inhabited the building - a second major boss of a Mario roleplaying game that was never released in Germany. Intelligent Mario-obsessed readers should know who I mean.


"Erm... Banjo?"


"Don't you have that strange feeling that the plant guy who told us to sit here and do something we both forgot has gone long ago?"

"Indeed I have! I propose to go, too."

"Ok! By the way, where did you put the money?"

"Me? I thought you had the money!"

"That fiendish fauna thingy has tricked us!"

"Flora, Kazooie, flora."

"Ah, shut up."


"Know what I think?" Iggy asked as the dumb duo climbed a hill on their way to the Forest of Illusions.

Lemmy turned around and replied, "Think? You? Major system error, incompatible words in one sentence."

Iggy ignored (cue tired laughter) the insult and answered, "Since we have to own a full map of Plit at the end of this adventure, I would suggest we get some Tingle-like guy to draw some complementary maps. Can you remember someone who could do that?"

Lemmy stopped and tried to concentrate. "Hmmmm... Well, Beldam can make high-quality maps, a shame she's evil and the maps don't show anything without collecting Crystal Stars. The guys at Nintendo are good too. Oh, and the ancient Hyrule sages that created the awesome Labyrinth Maps! HEY! Let's just look at the map we got from Waluigi! The author must have demanded credit and there are for sure some copyright notices!"

Iggy nodded and took out the map from his backpack. "Let's-a look... Map by Dino Torch 45H7, sector 9, Army of Wendy Ocean Koopa." He folded it up and stuffed it back again. "Can never be found again, ya know. Sister Wendy isn't the best general; the Dino Torch is probably lost in the papers."

As the Koopalings proceeded towards the gloomy forest, Lemmy wondered how a living being could be lost in the papers, but then came to the conclusion that nothing was too crazy for his sister. Then he had that brilliant idea like "Kaboom! Swoosh! Pupupuff!" in his head, and screamed, "MISTER NINTH LETTER OF THE ALPHABET!"

Iggy understood his brother. "Exactly! This is it! Mr. I carved those wall maps in the Hazy Maze Cave with his laser! ... He has no arms, he can't draw."

A trombone played A-F-D-lower D.

Iggy looked into the air and said, "I don't think we find someone who can draw maps."

For the next two hours, Lemmy was out of brilliant ideas, and he had already used up his Thought of the Day on "If good would be evil, would evil be good?" So the two siblings went on until they came to a ruined castle. It looked like it was destroyed many millenia ago, but they both knew it was Roy's castle that was BUILT six years ago.

Iggy climbed over some broken walls and shouted, "Hey Lemmy! Look what I found! It's Crabbie Grass!"

Lemmy replied, confused. "According to fairytales, this weed could only be found in the Guffawha Ruins..."

After storing the Crabbie Grass (that of course will play an important part in this story since the writer isn't very descriptive and everything is either a gag or a crucial part of the plot) and somehow getting across a giant bottomless pit-

(Iggy: How about getting an airplane?)
(Lemmy: Or we could just jump over, it's 1.5 meters.)
(Iggy: You forget I'm a wimp extraordinaire.)

-the Koopalings yelled at Artemendo for overusage of parenthesis and entered the woods.

Lemmy started worrying about his brilliant ideas. "What if I don't get any? What if I will never get any? What if I become dumber than... than... MARIO?" He screamed in sheer terror. Iggy ran over and began asking whether he could help. Lemmy iggnored Iggy (more tired laughter) and the fact that this story doesn't make sense and continued crying.

His cries were so loud that...


"Somebody's crying out there!"

"Oh, really, Banjo?! I wouldn't have noticed that if it wasn't for you!!!"

"Can your corny irony. We must help them!"

"If it's required."

"A bit more motivation! We're heroes, after all!"



Iggy took out a little package with "ANTI-MORTON. Use in emergencies only." on it, opened it, and taped Lemmy's mouth shut with the "ANTI-MORTON TAPE" that was inside. Then he whispered, "Someone's coming. Let's hide," and pulled Lemmy behind a large tree.



"Yes, bear boy?"

"First, I noticed it's silent again. Second, I'd really like to have a normal narrative perspective rather than a dialogue. Third, I saw two strange figures hiding behind that tree."

"Well, let's look."


Artemendo: Sorry readers, but I had to include Banjo and Kazooie in this story, regardless of how much you may hate them, or how often you felt the urge to do something bad to everybody who even mentions them.

To make a long story longer, B-K found the hiding Koopalings and they recognized each other. Luckily Banjo had played SMB3 long ago and Lemmy remembered having some Banjo-Kazooie Reviews in his Land. Banjo and Kazooie always liked the Koopas more than the Marios, and vice versa. The question on how and why the bear-bird pair got to Plit came up early; Banjo had sold his chimney (but kept the house) to afford a ticket to Plit at STANLEYplotholes, an interdimensional travel agency founded by Stanley the Former Bugman. They borrowed some money from Wario long ago, so he was very upset off and wanted to sue them. They couldn't transfer money between dimensions (the employees of the First Dimensional Bank were on strike) and that was the reason why they went to the Mushroom Kingdom to give back the 40 coins. (cue falling from your chair)

Banjo and Kazooie joined your party!
Their abilities are: Everything except being interesting, smart, funny, and well-developed official Mario characters.

Bacause this chapter is already too long, we'll skip the very exciting trip through the Forest of Illusions (thus rendering the title pointless) and go directly to the point where our four heroes saw the "Mansion That Haunted Is".

Iggy shivered. Lemmy was filled with fear. And Banjo and Kazooie were just a bit afraid. They looked at the scary building, its empty windows, the suspicious gray color, and other haunting properties of the mansion. Then they entered it through the open door.

Inside it was very dark. It was the darkest dark imaginable, darker that most of the darkest darknesses you may have seen, and sure darker than all of the lighter darknesses. Or simply put, it was slightly gloomy. Lemmy checked his radar detector and found out that there was only one being in this house. The group was very relieved until Iggy pointed out that the dot was coming towards them. Any relief was cancelled. Four voices started to scream things like: "I want to go home!", "Mysterious being, don't eat us!" and "Lemmy, I CHOOSE YOU! As sacrifice!"

A loud and very frightening laugh was heard. "Nyahhahahahaha! Mwanyahhahboohahmoohahahboowawawanyah!"

"Oh my DAD!" Iggy cried.


"AAAAAAAAAH!" Lemmy and B-K screamed.

"HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN... Oh sorry, Artemendo's laugh this is. NYAHAHAHAHABOOWAWAWANYAH!"

Kazooie stopped whining and asked, "Now come on, show yourself already!"

"Like wish you do. It-a me is, Bowyer!"

A bow-like creature stepped out of the shadows.

Iggy quickly pulled out his Mario Character Information Pocket Device and aimed it at Bowyer.

The little thing spoke: "Bowyer, second Star Guardian from Super Mario RPG, Species: Machine/Bow, attacks with Flunkies, his arrows, and some strange Button Block attack. This one appears to be at a high level. Catch 'em all!"

Bowyer laughed again. "You for map came, know I do. From Artemendo. But this map to me belongs! You have it cannot! I going to sell it was! To highest bidder! And if have it you want still to, you battle I must! Speak like Mingella and Blobbelda I do."

Kazooie went mad. "Don't mention them! We're gonna defeat you! Time for a fight!"

Iggy and Lemmy both stuttered something like, "We agree."

The bow took out three blue plates. "Think you might that an RPG battle we will have... BUT WRONG YOU ARE! Never came I to being an action boss, but now I will! Prepare to die!"

---ACTION SEQUENCE--- presented to you by Kooper

Aaaaand... the battle starts. Bowyer opens with a triple arrow shot. Ouch! One of the arrows hits Lemmy's ball. It's rapidly losing air! Iggy gets an idea and begins charging up his Make-'Em-Less-Deflated spell, but Bowyer is sly and uses his Button Block! He hits the blue plate with Y on it! Iggy loses the ability to use his wand! Oh, this doesn't look good for the good! Meanwhile, Banjo and Kazooie are trying to hit the bow from behind by using their famous Egg Shot! A shame for them that the eggs fly right between Bowyer's body and string! It seems Lemmy's ball is completely out of air now, and Lemmy tries to walk! Ow! Ow! Ow! He tripped on an arrow that was lying around and fell down the stairs into the cellar! The fight's over for him! In the meantime Iggy tried to break the force of the Button Block, but failed! Oh, it looks like he's got an idea! He runs towards Bowser as if he's going to ram him! Bowyer fell for the trick and blocked the A button to nullify Iggy's physical attack, thus unblocking the Y button! The Koopaling takes his wand and casts a quick Make-'Em-Less-Fast spell at Bowyer! Banjo and Kazooie use the situation and fire a big egg at Bowyer... a Clockwork Kazooie Egg! A little robotic bird hops out and into Bowyer's mouth! Uh oh... It will explode after 20 seconds! Iggy shouts to Banjo that he's going to fetch Lemmy from the cellar! COME ON, IGGY, DON'T LOSE TIME! Only 15 seconds left! Iggy rushes down the stairs and immediately sees Lemmy. He tries to pull him, but... he's too heavy!!! Actually, he's pretty much a lightweight, but Iggy's a complete wuss! COME ON!!! Only 10 seconds left! B-K escaped already! Iggy casts a Make-'Em-Less-Heavy spell on Lemmy's unconcious body so he weighs around 2 kg now! He grabs him and climbs the stairs... ONLY 5 SECONDS LEFT!!! Iggy gathers all of his little power and runs towards the open door... there are only a few meters! NO!!! ONLY 2 SECONDS! Iggy throws Lemmy out of the door and does a last jump...



The building exploded into tiny pieces. Iggy was hit by a brick rather than caught in the explosion, but luckily he fell into a nearby pond (the Lake of Illusions) and survived with little damage. Banjo managed to catch Lemmy before the explosion. Them and Kazooie hid under a rock and survived too. And the funniest thing, as soon as they saw each other again after the explosion, was a small box landed on Lemmy's head, knocking him out again. Iggy opened the box and saw...


They all laughed and threw instant noodles. Afterwards, Iggy did a little dance and yelled, "END OF CHAPTER!"

Kazooie looked at the map and said, "Did you guys know I can draw maps?"



Chapter 7: The Purpleizer Plan

Artemendo: The last chapter sure was long... but don't worry, this one isn't! And I have a funny quote again!

"954 - Of all the even numbers, this is probably the oddest." ~Of Digits And Numbers, I can't remember the author

[Rejoice! It's a Morton chapter with ME, the Mortonest Morton in the history of Mortonness!]

Me: The last time, I was searching for a sacred map of the Mushroom Kingdom. For this reason, I have taken the form of Luigi Mario and asked the inhabitants. Pitifully it turned out that all of them are as brainless as a brainless being. This time, I will travel north to find what I seek.

Mario: What he said!

Me: Shut up. Hey! I finally got to say that! Normally they say that to me, you know?

Mario: Absolutely.

Me: Really?

Mario: No.

[Ok, off I go!]

Me: I feel like singing a random song while I climb this huge icy mountain. Ahem!

"Who lives in a castle in Dark Land for free? MORTON BIG MOUTH!
Annoying, talkative, and stupid is he! MORTON BIG MOUTH!
If death from annoyance is something you wish, MORTON BIG MOUTH,
then listen to him and sleep with the fish! MORTON BIG MOUTH!

Who you gonna call? Me, Morton!

Morton, meet the Morton, for a speech that lasts at least three daaaaaays!
Morton, meet the Morton, to annoy yourself in many waaaaaays!

Who you gonna call? Me, Morton!

Morton-Man, Morton-Man, friendly neighbourhood Morton-Man!
Wanna talk? Call him on! And we'll chat about Pokemon!

Who you gonny call? Me, Morton!"

[That was awkward... I finally reached the mountaintop!]

Me: I heard some old'n'wise guy lives here. Hello? Anybody at home?

Old'n'wise Guy: Yes, I'm here! Welcome to the place of Disturbing Knowledge, I am Old'n'wise Guy, a Shy Guy!

Me: Cool! Why "disturbing?"

Old'n'wise Guy: Listen and you'll find out! Did you know Vivian is MALE in the French version of Paper Mario: TTYD?

Me: MALE?!

Old'n'wise Guy: Yes! Just get a PAL copy of it and choose French as the language. They say Vivian (Viviane in French) is a boy, but his sisters make him wear that hair and look like a girl! ISN'T IT DISTURBING?!



Artemendo: I emphasizee this because I THINK IT IS THE MOST DISTURBING THING EVER!!! Think about it... ugh!

Me: Woah... But in reality, she's female, all right?

Old'n'wise Guy: Yes, but the fact that the French translators did this is disturbing.

Artemendo: I'm an interpreter and thus a translator. These guys bring shame over my profession! Now let's finish this.

Me: Ok... Do you know something about the sacred map of Mushroom Kingdom?

Old'n'wise Guy: The Shadow Queen must have a copy.

[Oh no...]

Me: I, Morton as Luigi, must go to the Sewers of Rogueport and find the Shadow Queen!


Me: Can I please have your map, Your Purpleness?

Shadow Queen: Purple is the word! I will give it to you if you give me the possibility to possess you for a week to turn the world purple!

Me: Ok, but will it help you conquer it?

Shadow Queen: Not at all, but I like the color. And Artemendo likes it too. If I do this, he'll use me in one of his stories. And if you need a more logical explanation, let's just say that when the world stays purple for a year or so, the people will beg me to make it normal again. I will do this but demand the power over the whole world. How about that?

Me: Your plan is cool, but if you possess me, I'll be a Koopaling in the body of a plumber which is possessed by an evil shadow...

Shadow Queen: Exactly.

Me: Deal. Gimme the map.

[Yahoo! I got the map! But I'm also possessed... I can control what I say, but not what I do...]

Me: To find out how my story goes on, wait until the next Morton chapter!

Mario: Hey, you look so different today...




Read on!

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