Chapter 10: Kamek Kaught In Kontinuum
Artemendo: I will sing a song in the next chapter. W00t.
"Game Over" ~Try
losing all lives in a Mario game and you'll activate a cheat that will
show you a screen with these words. Neat, huh? I found it out all by myself!
Kamek: Thank Doomstar I got that map. Now how can I get back to Dark Land?
Suddenly his map began glowing and a Crystal Star appeared on it, in Shhwonk Fortress.
Kamek: Wuzzah? You! Map! You're not going to tell me I've got to collect all the Crystal Stars to make a ship to Dark Land appear, for no reason at all?
Map: Do you want me to put it in other words, then?
Kamek: Oh, clumsy Clubbas! Do I have to become paper?
Map: No, just get the Crystal Stars. They're all in slightly different positions so it couldn't be considered a total rip-off.
Kamek: WAH! A talking map!
Map: Can it.
Kamek: If only some person would guide me through the use of some convenient data transfer device!
All of a sudden, Charles Martinet yelled: "You've-a got an Email-a!"
It took Kamek two hours to find Inlook Impress, a mail client.
From: wendykoopa@royalkoopafamily.dl
(for Dark Land)
To: kamek@darklandonline.dl
Re: HA!!!
hello kamek, itsa me wendy. i overheard your little wizard-piece of paper conversation by using spies...
Kamek looked around. Unbeknownst to him, a whistling Doogan went by and hid under a stone. He continued reading.
...but i can help you when you promise not to perform your evil designs you planned in chapter 5.
Kamek: I promise.
good. now go to the underground and fight a blooper and go to petalburg and bribe the gate guard and go to shhwonk fortress and beat the gold fuzzy and get the first star.
Kamek: Hold your horses! That's easier said than done.
Kamek went to the Underground, fought a Blooper, went to Petalburg, bribed the gate guard, went to Shhwonk Fortress, beat the Gold Fuzzy, and got the Crystal Star.
Kamek: Shiny... Yes, I'm ignoring the fact that I should be smart. I think everyone has the right to alter their IQ.
Map: Way to go! The next one's in Flurrie's house.
eeeek! flurrie! well go get her some necklaces to trade for the star.
Kamek magically appeared in Flurrie's house with necklaces.
Flurrie: Necklaces!
Kamek: Star!
Map: Map!
whoa that was pointless. where's the next one?
Map: The next FOUR stars has Bonetail.
Kamek: D'oh!
Kamek ventured through the Pit of 100 Trials, made a stop at the EAT AT DAZZLE'S on the 94th floor, and faced Bonetail.
Bonetail: Hey, I actually get to say something! Woohoohoohoo!
Bonetail danced about the room in utter joy.
Kamek: Now meet your bony end, bonepile! Your bones will shiver when I perform that bone-chilling spell of mine! Bon Jour!
Kamek cast a Make-'Em-Less-Bony spell at Bonetail. She/he/it desintegrated.
Bonetail: Not again...
lets get this over with, buddies. where's the last star?
Map: How do you keep talking to us when it's one single Email?
errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Map: Okay... It's well hidden between the A and the O.
Kamek: Ha! It must be behind the RL on the Pianta Parlor sign!
Map: How did you know?
Kamek: Ima smard fella!!11!! all ur bases r b-long 2 me!!11!
After finally gathering all seven Crystal Stars, they went to the Thousand-Year Door, opened it, found out that the Shadow Queen was missing due to her being in Luigi's body together with Morton's soul, and stole Flavio's little spare boat, ruining the continuum. The ship, of course, was sucked into a gaping plothole.
What will happen to them? Find out in Chapter 15!
so now that you defeated the shadow queen im sure you will come back soon, of course only if you did everything right i mean i cant communicate with you since thats only an email. bye-bye. END OF CHAPTER!
Intermission...
INLOOK IMPRESS
- MAKES YOUR LIFE SQUEEZIER
Chapter 11: Raphael the Raven
Artemendo: A short self-insertion self-description song.
Now, it is my
turn to shine,
it's glorious
self-insertion time.
I'm a sinister
interpreter
and therefore
strange and odd a creature.
My color is purple
with a hint of gray,
my MIDI songs
will scare you away.
My residence
is free of location
and I detest
the Sony Corporation.
I write wacky
stories that will make you smirk
and I gave Dazzle
his current work.
However, about
500 years ago,
(really fast)
I summoned the Ancient Curse Thingy so that my death cancels itself
every time automatically
and that's basically it.
Oh, and I have an archnemesis, Notmyfriend-o. He likes Sonic (bleargh).
"Ze bride is LEAFING?"
~Chef "NOT FRENCH, NO, NOT FRENCH BUT GERMAN!" Torte. He's German! No "moi"
whatsoever!
Deep in the outer jungle of Yoshi's Island, in a great (but not boggly) tree, four Ravens were meeting. The first one was none other than Lord (Don) Raphael himself, King of Ravens and Guardian of the Heavens, or something like that. He was much fatter than at the time he lived on Lavalava Island though - if you can imagine him getting any fatter, you have a good imagination. Oh, and he moved to Yoshi's Island because it was bigger, better, and had higher mountains than Lavalava Island.
The other three figures were new - for you, that is. Known as "Raphael's Helpers", these three birds... helped Raphael. Pretty straightforward. Called Leonard, Michelange, and Donatel, they differed by the shade of their pitch black feathers.
Don Raphael began.
"I gathered you here because I sense evil approaching, y' know, guys? Kinda destructive and malevolent, and small and green and in a package of two."
Leonard shrugged. "We guard all entrances to Yoshi's Island except for the underground ones. We would have seen that. We're utterly cool and that stuff, we never fail."
"Yes, I mean, they'd have to use a warp pipe to get into the island's caverns and then come out and attack us!" added Michelange. "No one's THAT smart!"
"What do you think, Donatel?" Raphael asked.
The last Raven yawned. "It's like they said... no chance to fail... Hey, I remember a funny thing! Today I saw two young Koopas that arrived with a ship heading for this jungle! Come to think of it, they're green... and small... and two... just like you said! Funny, eh?"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"
***
Our small, green, funny duo entered World 3 Jungle, swiftly bypassing all obstacles with their stylish moves and raw intelligence.
Better keep with that, because the truth is terrifying and clumsy.
Lemmy's ball was bruised and full of patches, and Iggy's face looked more like Roy's (believe me, that's ugly). After getting some Band-Aids and drinking one Red Potion each, the Koopalings checked with their plan.
"Get boat out of nowhere, check," Lemmy mumbled. "Somehow get rid of Banjo and Kazooie, check. Go to Yoshi's Island, check. Drink Red Potion, check. Checking, check. Saying 'check' one more time 'cause it's WAY too cool, check. Pretty much everything. We just have to find that tree, kick Raphael out, and get that sacred map he's guarding. Piece of Shroom Cake."
Iggy agreed. "And then we'll be done with that Fun Fiction!"
"No, no, there'll still be the final Chapter 16: Got Map Or Not Map? for us, as well as for all the others," Lemmy explained.
"Let's move on then," Iggy sighed.
***
"Everybody to their positions! Enemies' attack awaited in less than one hour! MAKE YOURSELF READY! Get out your best feathers, polish your beaks, and file your talons! Don't forget your hi-tech bazookas and annihilation ray devices!"
The Raven HQ in the Great Tree was shaking as thousands of birds ran (yep, irony) around. Meanwhile, Leonard asked Michelange something important.
"Say Mike, I heard some strange rumors lately... The guys at pww.toadallystrangenewz.mk said the only thing to protect one from an annihilation ray is... you're gonna laugh... CRABBIE GRASS!"
Michelange and Leonard laughed like crazy for six minutes straight. Then Michelange wiped a tear off his eye and responded: "Whoo... Even if this is turning out to be right, how would two random Koopas have Crabbie Grass anyway? This is impossible."
***
Lemmy walked across some flowers, whistling the "Kim Possible" tune. Iggy followed, but unlike his older, cooler, shorter and more cross-eyed brother, he felt something bad.
Suddenly he stopped. Lemmy turned around. "What's now?"
"I just realized that Tetris Attack is just a clone of Panel du Pon! And that Pokemon Puzzle League's another cheap rip-off! AND I BOUGHT ALL THREE!"
***
"All right, troops! They're coming! Fire NOW!"
***
A shower of black and white rays came from above. Hip and Hop could duck, but it was very close.
Lemmy yelled, "So they knew we were coming! WELL THEN, LET'S ATTACK!"
Iggy yelled, "AGREED! By the way, these are annihilation rays! Deadly, lethal, and mortal."
Time for another action sequence!
---ACTION SEQUENCE--- presented to you by Kooper
Whew! What an intense battle start! Loads of death-bringing beams are shot at our heroes! But they cleverly use the trunks, bushes, and branches as a cover. However, they have to move fast, as with every ray, a part of it annihilates, leaving them open. Iggy charges a Make-'Em-Less-Futuristic spell, but a sudden impact with a fleeing Lemmy negates it. The next second, Lemmy drags Iggy out of another ray's target. HEY! The beams stopped? What's that supposed to mean? OH NO! THEY'RE LOADING THEIR BAZOOKAS!
Lemmy places himself in the middle of the charred battlefield and fires the Freeze Gun at the sniper Ravens. Most of them actually freeze! Lemmy stares at his weapon in amazement. Yes, we know that it never works, now LET'S GET ON WITH IT!
The Ravens are
plotting something... something evil... Three shadows jump out of a
window and land
before Iggy. They reveal themselves to be Leonard, Michelange, and Donatel.
Iggy gasps in fear as he sees the weapon in Donatel's hand: the SUPER ANNIHILATION
CIRCULAR BEAM DEVICE! Donatel raises the machine and laughs.
Donatel: You fools! You will be DISAMBIGUATED! Use your Crabbie Grass if you can! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lemmy: As a matter of fact, WE WILL USE IT!
Donatel gasps as he sees the Crabbie Grass in Hip's hands. He quickly tells Michelange and Leonard to trigger the buttons on the sides of the device. Lemmy quickly rips apart the plant and throws one half to Iggy.
The partial weed soars through the air...
Leonard presses the switch...
Iggy streches out his hand to catch it...
Michelange presses the switch...
HA! IMMEDIATE TRIGGERING SYSTEMS! DO NOT REQUIRE ANY LOADING TIME!
After a brief flash, Lemmy opens his eyes just to see that Iggy...
...no longer exists...
---
Unexpected plot twist, huh?
We twist, twist,
twist the plot,
we're doin' the
Plot Twist and we're playin' God
'cause plot twists
are kewl and we control people's fates,
grand adventures
and battles lie ahead of you, mate!
***
Lemmy stood at
the point where his "twin", his best friend, had ceased to exist. He
swallowed some
tears and turned towards Leonard and whatstheirnames.
They stumbled back.
"You," he began slowly. "Annihilated. My. Favorite. Brother. Now. You're. Gonna. Pay."
Lemmy jumped at them and cast a Rage-Powered Make-'Em-Less-Mobile-Forever spell. "You shall be immobilized for the rest of your life," he explained gloomily. "It's like 30.587 Stopwatches upon you, plus 475.970 Time Outs."
Don Raphael threw a box out of the window. "T-t-take this map... D-d-don't hurt me..." the coward stuttered.
Lemmy took the box and used a Fire Flower on the Great Tree (his fire breath was still somewhat weak).
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
***
What happened
to Iggy?
Is he really
dead?
And where are
Kamek and the Map?
Does anyone know?
Echoing Voice: I am in no way affiliated with Foreman Spike... END OF CHAPTER...
Intermission...
DO NOT USE ANNIHILATION RAY DEVICES. THEY CAN TURN BROTHERS MAD.
To Be Continued...
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