The Map of Plit

By Artemendo

Chapter 12: Shadow Mortuigi Jr. Tries to Takeover the World

Artemendo: The long-awaited sequel to The Purpleizer Plan! Enjoy, will you.

"Princess Toadstool, I know you're frightened. If you knew just why you're here, your fear would just be heightened." ~Ignorance is Bliss (Does ANYONE know this? If YOU know, you're a very obsessed Mario freak like me. Congrats!)

[Hooray! The final Morton chapter! After switching souls with Luigi, finding out that Vivian is male in the French version of PM:TTYD, and being possessed by the Shadow Queen, I finally get to finish my mission! But first, I have to turn the world purple.]

Mario: Hey, Luigi, how about mimicking Charles Martinet and talking on an idiotic Italian accent?

Me: Uh... Ok.

Mario: Hello-a, look-a at-a me-a, I'm-a Charles-a Martinet-a, and-a I'm-a dumb-a!

Me: You just... Forget it.

Mario: That's "forget-a it-a". You're a bad Martinet impersonator! I'm gonna get Toadsworth for this.

[Moron. Now, where were we? The Shadow Queen wanted to turn the world purple, correct? So here we go...]

Me (in spooky purple-backgrounded voice):
World, turn purple, turn you well,
so purple that even a colorblind could tell:
"Hey, the world is looking purple today!"
All these things for, I do pray.

[Ooooooooohish. Now what about the world?]

A Random Purple Yoshi: Hey! I'm purple!

Some Flower Salesman: I think this violet's looking slightly purple...

Wendy: My favourite color is purple! Not pink, PURPLE! *evil laugh*

Raz: Hey Raini, doesn't Star Hill look a bit purple to you today?

Waluigi: It'd be pointless to say.

[Astonishing, Shadow Queen. Really marvelous. So much purple in such a short time.]

Me (Shadow Queen): Shut up.

Me (Mortuigi Jr): Your plans do nothing but fail, you're out of shape!

Me: Well, show YOUR shape then!

Me: You bet I will!


Luigi (in MY voice!): This is getting boring... When do you plan to end this madness?

King Dad: I technically could finish you...

Luigi: Do this! Kill Morton! Set me free!

King Dad: Drat! I knew there was some kind of hook to it!

Luigi: I have the sudden urge to impersonate Charles Martinet... "Aeee paisanos, itseemeee Charles Amartinet!"

King Dad: You're lousy.

[Back to me...]

Me: 3... 2... 1...

[The world turns yellow for a nanosecond, then reverts back to normal.]

Me (Shadow Queen): I've come to the conclusion that we are both losers. I'll leave you now... I have to look for Bonetail.

[Yes! I'm no longer possessed!]

Me: Now quickly perform the events to finish off my storyline! And I'll be the first to do it! I'M SPECIAL!

[I take the map, scan it into the computer, send it to King Dad, and call a Warp Star with my cell phone to bring me to the Rainbow Shrine... from where I take a warp pipe to Dark Land.]



Bowser stood up from his throne. "You are the first one to complete your mission," he said to Morton proudly.

"As a token of my gratitude and appreciation, you may talk up to 8 MB of information per day now." Bowser plugged his ears as he took the map from Morton's hands and placed it on a big table. "Start now!"

Morton just remained unmoved, with tears in his eyes. "I lack words.. This is so great...


Kamek wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to Bowser. He read it.

"You were SO dumb to do this. No offence, you were just stupid. END OF CHAPTER!"



Chapter 13: Outwit, Outsmart, Outclever

Artemendo: Last Dazzle+Larry chapter. Awwwwww.

"A released game can technically be good. I mean, if it's from Nintendo, it's great anyway. If it's from Sony, it's a bunch of waste. No really, when I say waste, I mean it. But a game in progress can become worse. Not a Nintendo game, of course. A Sony game. What I mean is that Nintendo will rule the world. No, let me put it differently. Nintendo will crush Sony and THEN rule the world. Nintendo PWNZ and Sony is a n00b!!!!111!!!" ~I share your feelings too, Shigeru.

"This is cameraman Dazzle Glitterstein, this time from the vast jungle surrounding the legendary Golden Pyramid. Rumor was it that the Golden Diva hid the map of Kitchen Island here - apparently for no reason. This is why King Koopa ordered us to go and find it. Why us? Why Kitchen Island? Why this story? Nobody knows. Ah, and here is Prince Larry Koopa. How are you today?"

"Thanks, just fine. I was working on a plan to get to the Map Shrine in the pyramid easily..."

"What's the deal with those people? Map vaults, map stores, map shrines... And STILL no one has got the idea to produce a world map of Plit! THIS IS SICK!"

"Do not interrupt me. Well, since the door to the In-Pyramid Pyramid opens with the beating of all four Passage Bosses... well, actually five... we'll have to beat them in order to proceed."

"I so detest bosses."

"Hey! I'M A BOSS IN APPROXIMATELY FIVE GAMES! A minor one, but still a boss."

"Yes, yes... Where's Shatro, by the way?"

"I thought his name was Ashtray... Anyway, I ordered him to fly to Diamond City and map it."

"Do you trust him? Don't you remember his magnificent Empty Space chart from Chapter 8?"

"I told him that I will get him back into Wendy's army if he fails."



Tôrchéz (very hastily): Must make map! Wendy bad! Not want Wendy army be more! Must inscribe properties of landscape on paper! Or else WENDY! NOOOOOOOO!


"This, again, is cameraman Dazzle Glitterstein with a live report from the insides of the Entry Passage. Where is that Spoiled Rotten, Lord Larry?"

"Well, I didn't want to spoil you, but it's in a place with a rotten smell... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAwhooooooooHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"This is just so bad. It's even worse than that Chef Torte knock knock joke I heard yesterday."

"Tell me!"

"Ok, then here goes... Knock Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Chef Torte."

"Chef Torte who?"

"I vill ask ze questions!"

"You're right. It's deeply bad."

"WATCH OUT! Spoiled Rotten is just behind you!"

"Hee hee hee! I am Li'l Eggplant, aka Spoiled Rotten! You must know, I've been training a lot recently, and managed to defeat Cractus, Aerodent, Catbat, and Cuckoo Condor! Now I'm the boss of this place!"

"And this means we only have to fight against YOU? Good news, that."

"Ho ho! Arrogant a bit today, aren't we? You will never stand a chance against me!"

"We will! But before the grand brawl, I'd like to announce that as a little favor to our customers, EAT AT DAZZLE'S temporarily moved our chain store out of Death Mountain due to slight complaints about burnt food. EAT AT DAZZLE'S is now in the Forsaken Fortress, floor 2. We also opened a new one in Hazy Maze Cave. First customer to come non-poisoned gets free access to ELITE AT DAZZLE'S, Sacred Winkle Realm. GET ON, PALS, IT'S A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME CHANCE! BE IN, BE COOL, BE GUH-ROOVAY, AND EAT AT EAT AT DAZZLE'S!"

"Come on, let's fight! I will defeat you in a game of Vs. Dr. Mario!"


Musical number to the tune of Dr. Mario, Fever.

Larry: Tirdim tim tim tirdim tim tim tirdim timtimtim!

Dazzle: Huh!

Larry: Tirdim tim tim tirdim tim tim tirdim timtimtim tim-

Spoiled Rotten: Tirdim tim tim tim-

Dazzle: Huh!

Spoiled Rotten: Tirdim tim tim tim-

Dazzle: Hahuh!

Everybody: Tirdim tirdim tim tim tirdim TIM TIM TIM tadaloo!



Tôrchéz: Finally... The map of Diamond City... Complete... And it took a mere five days... I'm exhausted. Who's that over there?

9-Volt: Am I mistaken, or did you classical Super Mario World baddie just draw a map of fair Diamond City? You dumbnut! You could've bought Wario Ware, Inc. instead, as it has the map built-in! Hahahaahaaaaaa!

Tôrchéz: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH! Shot in the oven!


"We defeated you, Spoiled Rotten! It was pretty close, but that 4-stack combo Lord Larry pulled through..."

"... Yes, man."

"...gave us a slight advantage so we could VITAMINIZE those Viruses. VITAMINIZE, I say! Now that was a sight to behold. Well, give us the Map Shrine key."

"Why should I? I'm stronger than you. I will bully you."

"Now you're asking for it..."

"Dazzle! Don't do that! It's too powerful! It could..."

"Destroy the whole place, I know. I've got enough of those stupid, low-budget movie clichés. But this is our only chance to prevent the world from being ruled by gigantical amounts of evil! We will take the power we need from the thoughts and hopes of our friends, who will always be with us no matter where we go! It is our destiny to save the ones we love by doing a lot of cool poses and blasting away the baddies with stylish moves that have incredibly long names and long forewords that usually end up in stupidly prolonged run-on sentences that the heroes say while looking to the heavens, their eyes full of vigor and such stuff! But now is not the time to talk! Let me unleash my powers upon you so I can rid Plit of you forever to ensure peace and bring glory to my kind! Here we go! Super Hyper Ultra Mega Dazzle Ray of Ultimate Destruction and Supreme Power over Everything and Anything and KAMEHAME-HA!!!"

"Errrrr... Nothing's happening."

"Of course, you low-intellectual eggplant! While I was talking piles of rubbish, Larry, the thief that he is, managed to steal the key from your pocket! And while I am explaining this, he opens the Map Shrine and gets the map! And while I will pronounce the next few words, he will be back again and we will escape! Well thought out, heh? Ah, here you are, Prince. Sayonara, Spoiled Rotten! As a last gift, I will set this time bomb that will explode in 10... 9... 8..."

"Uh oh."


"And that's it, fellow listeners to Dazzle Glitterstein's Map Quest report, starring..."

"Prince Larry Koopa..."


"...and me! Tune in again in the seq-"




To Be Continued...

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