Author’s Note: WARNING, This chapter contains Legend of Zelda and mythology references. You have been warned!
Another Author’s Note: I may have been a little harsh when I said that Flame boo was the only one who reads this, there’s also You, Lemmy, and many more. (I wanted to include your names but they sounded real and I didn’t want to cause any problems.) Yup, all the worthless losers who aren’t important enough to wipe my shoes. Ha ha ha losers!
Original Author’s Note: That wasn’t nice Another Author’s Note.
Author's Note: Yeah! Original Author’s Note is right!
Shady: All three of you are useless!
AN, AAN, OAN: But…
Shady: You’re all fired!
AAN: But, I have a wife and three kids! Old Author’s Note, New Author’s Note and Law Suit!
Shady: I don’t care! I’ll do my own notes in the future.
The three authors notes leave.
Shady: That was pointless. Seriously, thank you if you’re a fan of this FF.
…
Shadow Mario: Last time we did a chapter based on the chapter in PMTTYD that no one cares about.
Bowser Jr: (cheering) Give me an L! Give me an A! Give me an M and an E! Lame! Lame! Gooooo, Lame!
Chapter 5, Sea Bombs of the Pacific.
After running away from an army of werewolves, the team heads back to the Thousand-Year Door, after doing the wand thing they head to Bowser’s base, only to find no one there.
No one: Hello.
Clefy: Where is everyone?
Max: I don’t care, let's steal stuff!
*Bowser Jr: Way ahead of you!
Shadow Mario: Isn’t this your dad’s stuff?
*Bowser Jr: Well he did say that when I’m king all this stuff’s mine.
Lion King music starts playing, you know… the one where they sing, I can’t wait to be king, one… that no one cared about.
No one: I’m sure getting a lot of free publicity.
Shadow Mario: Over my dead body!
No one: That can be arranged.
No one travels to the future and dances on Shadow Mario’s grave, but then a robot Mario wearing a Koopa shell knocks No one unconscious.}
Max: Hey! Randomness is my bit!
Yux: Look! It’s a note from Bowser Senior.
Note: Dear worthless son, I will be gone for awhile to ruin Mario’s 7th party, head to Keelhaul Key…
Yux: You owe me five coins!
Max: Shut up.
Note: …to check on Wendy. The Koopa ships out of order so find your own way there. Best dad on Plit, Bowser.
Shadow Mario: You heard the talking note, to Keelhaul Key, mindless slaves!
Max: Yes, master.
They head to the docks to find that the ghost ship to KK is no longer running for reasons that will obviously be revealed later in the chapter.
*Bowser Jr: Hey! Goomba!
Goomba: What do you need?
Clefy: A ship to KK.
Goomba: What’s KK?
Clefy: Keelhaul Key, stupid Goomba.
Goomba: There hasn’t been any ships heading down to KK since they found that pipe that leads to it under Rogueport, but now that’s plugged up because two fat Toads tried to get in at once.
Yux: How much do you want to bet he’ll say something that will be helpful?
Max: 10 coins says he doesn’t.
Goomba: There was a Bob-omb that had a huge ship who passed by a couple of days ago. I think he’s usually by the tavern.
Yux: : )
Max: : (
Clefy: Let's go to the inn! It’s been a while since I’ve had a drink of… water.
They enter.
*Bowser Jr: Hey! I heard there’s a Bob-omb here that has a ship! Where is he?!
Someone throws a shoe at him.
Beanie: Be quiet! To be helpful for no reason at all, there are actually two Bob-ombs here with ships, one’s the famous Bobbery…
*Bowser Jr blasts Bobbery with his golden mini Bullet Bill Blaster until he doesn’t exist.
Beanie: … Do you have issues or something?
*Bowser Jr: Yup.
Beanie: Where was I? Oh yeah, there is that one guy over there.
He points to a white Bob-omb in the corner with an eye patch and a rusty sword.
Yux: Thanks. You! Bob-omb! Do you have a ship?
Bob-omb: That depends ,stranger. What do you want one for?
Clefy: We’ve got to get to Keelhaul Key.
Bob-omb: Same here. I’ve got a ship but the anchor and the rudder got lost in a storm.
Max: An anchor and a rudder?
Bob-omb: Get those and you got yourself a ship.
Yux: We’ve got those things.
Shadow Mario: We do?
Bob-omb: Great! You five, meet me in five minutes by the dock.
He leaves.
*Bowser Jr: … Did he say five?
Max: Dan, dan, dan!!!
Clefy: Why’d you say Dan? Is he someone I should know about?
Yux: The last thirteen sentences were not funny at all.
Shadow Mario: The last five chapters were not funny at all.
Yux: Hey, Max. Want to bet that the ship won’t be there when we get there?
Max: I’m not falling for that one. I’ll bet on it not being there.
They head to the dock to find a white pirate ship waiting for them. Max slips Yux five coins.
*Bowser Jr: How did you get this ship here so fast?
Bob-omb: The power of Randomness?
Max: Again, that’s my bit.
Bob-omb: You have the stuff?
Yux makes a Mini-Yux and puts a shield around it. He uses his fire breath to weld it to the ship.
Yux: Who needs a rudder when you have a propeller?
Bob-omb: And the anchor?
Max attaches a chain to Clefy. Yux welds the other end to the ship, then pushes her into the water.
Shadow Mario: There you go, Bob-omb.
Bob-omb: Call me Rusty.
*Bowser Jr: The boy robot?!
Rusty: … No.
Clefy: …
Max: Dudes, I think she’s dead.
Shadow Mario: We knew it would happen eventually, after all, she was “Dead Wait”! Ha ha ha!
Crickets chirp.
Rusty: Whatever, hop on and let's go.
Yux: I know I shouldn’t ask, but does anyone care that Rusty’s fuse has been on fire since we first met him?
Rusty: Oh that? That’s my life line.
Max: Like Millionaire?
Rusty: Once again, no. It’s just a little family curse. It slowly grows bigger each year and sooner or later it will kill me and everyone near me.
They all take a step back.
Rusty: Just ignore it and get on.
Ten minutes later the team heads out of the dock toward Keelhaul Key.
Rusty: Hey you! Fire breath! Get away from the gun powder!
Yux: Sorry.
Max: Should we be doing something?
Rusty: Let me think. Ok, cloud boy…
Yux: It’s better to call him Random Boy.
Rusty: Why?
Yux: Stick with us and you’ll see.
Rusty: What are you guys doing anyways?
Max: Well, you see that ghost thing in the fetal position in the corner?
He points to Shadow Mario, who’s rocking back and forth.
Shadow Mario: Water! IT’S EVERYWERE AND NOWERE! But no matter where it is, it always BURNS!!!
Rusty: I wish I didn’t.
Max explains everything.
Max: That’s where babies come from!
… I meant about the story!
Max: Creepy voices in the sky are talking to me.
He explains the story for real.
Rusty: That sounds like the most retarded plot ever.
Yux and Max: We know.
Rusty: So why do you stick with him?
Yux: Health insurance.
Max: Health insurance and I’ll do anything to get away from Shady Parakoopa.
Rusty: (staring at the author’s name after the title) Sure. Anyways, I’m assigning you jobs. Max, you take care of the crows nest.
Max: This crow likes to fly.
He flies all around, looking in all directions.
Max: No sign of land or ships.
Rusty: Good, Yux will take care of weapon usage.
Yux: K, call me up when I’m needed.
He starts to float down stairs when *Bowser Jr runs up, tackles Yux, then puts a box down on the deck.
*Bowser Jr: If we’re going on a pirate ship, let's look the part!
Rusty: Hey, those are mine!
He rushes *Bowser Jr with his sword, though I don’t understand how he can because he doesn’t have any arms. Rusty slashes *Bowser Jr, but because of his thick skull, the blade shatters.
Rusty: Dang.
*Bowser Jr: Wise guy, ay? I’ll show you what we do to wise guys like you.
Rusty: This can’t be good.
Two minutes later...
Rusty has been forced to join the party:
In battle he can use his sword to slice
enemies in half! What? He lost his sword? Then he’s worthless.
Out of battle he can be the last man
talking in a group conversation.
Rusty: How did that work?
*Bowser Jr: Shut up. Now, everyone, take an item out of the box.
Two minutes later...
*Bowser Jr: Everyone got something?
Max pushes aside some of his cloud to show two peg legs over where his old legs used to be.
*Bowser Jr: And Yux?
Yux now has an eye patch where his old eye used to be.
*Bowser Jr: I took this bandana.
Rusty: Let's just get this over with, ok?
*Bowser Jr: You don’t understand. You’re with us for however long this FF lasts.
Rusty reaches for a match and tries to help his fuse burn faster.
Max: So how long until we see KK?
Rusty: About two days.
Max: Great.
Three hours later, *Bowser Jr is seen eating in the kitchen, Max is flying over the ocean to see if he can see land, Yux is in the only bedroom reading a book labeled "How to Read in Ten Easy Steps", and Rusty is navigating the ship. Oh yeah, and Shadow Mario is still in the fetal position, saying the same thing over and over again.
Rusty: (singing) We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine! We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine of my dreams!
Max appears in a cloud of smoke.
Rusty: Ahhh! I didn’t know you could do that.
Max: Me neither. I spotted a ship *points east* that way, and it’s coming right for us!
Rusty: What does it say on the side of the ship?
Max: The Argonauts.
Rusty: You mean the crew that went searching for the golden flees?
Max: Me no good at mythology.
Yux: I am, and yes, that’s the same ship. Hercules is also on that ship. I do believe we’re all going to die.
*Bowser Jr: I say we fire on them!
Rusty: But what if they’re peaceful?
*Bowser Jr: Just do it.
Rusty: Fine, fire the cannon!
Yux: Aye aye!
Yux fires a cannonball at the other ship.
Argonaut Crew Member: Ahhh! The ship we want to make peace with is firing at us!
The ship sinks, then the canonnball hits it while it’s underwater.
Max: Yeah!
Yux: Bet you we won’t find another pirate ship.
*Bowser Jr: What have I told you about using Max’s gambling problem?
Yux: I’m suppose to give you 50 percent?
*Bowser Jr: Exactly.
Max: Look! There’s a small, red boat!
Yux: Do you have to say everything you see?
Max: Look! A fat, blue, plumber-shaped ghost in the fetal position!
Shadow Mario: How much longer do I have to endure this ocean of fire?!
Rusty: Everyone on the boat looks dead.
They drop anchor and jump onto the boat. The boat has a lion head carving mounted on the bow, a tattered mass, and the skeleton of a midget in a green unitard and a green hat.
Yux: Looks like there won’t be a Windwaker 2.
Max: Let’s take the boat onboard. If we look enough maybe there will be some great stuff to steal.
*Bowser Jr: Good idea.
Rusty: Is the only thing you guys can do steal stuff?
Max: Yup.
Clefy: …
*Bowser Jr: We know, you’re dead.
They somehow get the boat onboard.
Max: Let’s see what we’ve got here. A blue sword…
Rusty: I’ll take that, thank you.
Max: A mirror shield…
Yux: What good is a shield if it can shatter easily?
*Bowser Jr: The bathroom needs a mirror.
Rusty: I don’t have a bathroom!
*Bowser Jr: Sure you do! You know, the room on the left.
Rusty: That’s my bedroom!
*Bowser Jr: You also need a fan in there.
Rusty: …
Max: A rusty hook…
Max touches the hook, it turns to dust.
Max: A bow with a broken string and without arrows…
As Max takes out the bow, a shriveled up leaf falls out.
*Bowser Jr: I wonder what this leaf is for?
Yux: I don’t know.
Max: Let me see.
Max holds the leaf, it suddenly grows green.
Max: Cool.
He holds both sides with his hands. Suddenly the wind kicks up, and Max is blown out of his cloud.
Max: Ahhhhhh!!! Weeeeeee!!! Ahhhhh!!!
Rusty: This thing's also got a few bombs.
Rusty notices a few ships nearby.
Rusty: How good are you at throwing?
*Bowser Jr: Pretty good.
Rusty: Yux, set these on fire.
He does so.
Rusty: Throw these at those two ships.
*Bowser Jr: Ok, I’ll… Ahhhhh!!!
Rusty: Don’t grab them by the burning fuss.
*Bowser Jr throws one of the two bombs at a ship.
…
Crump: Ok, my army…
Grodus: Ahem.
Crump: His army of elite warriors. A one, A two, and…
X-Nauts: (singing) WE ARE THE X-NAUTS! PROUD AND BRAVE WE AREN’T! WE ARE THE X-NAUTS!!! WE SAIL THE SEVEN SEAS SOMETIMES!!! WE ARE ABOUT TO GET HIT BY A BOMB!!!
Crump: That wasn’t part of the song.
BOOOMMM!!!
…
Yux: Cool.
Rusty: Throw another one!
…
Koopa: My army! There before you is a ship that we will conquer! As their blood…
Lemmy: Ahem.
Koopa: … Star Points, are spilled, I will give you our battle cry! Are you-
BOOOOMMM!!! Times two.
…
Max: Nice.
Yux: How did you get back here?
Max: Plot hole.
Rusty: Hey, I found a bottle of blue liquid!
Yux: Good for you.
*Bowser Jr: Give me that! There wasn’t anything to drink in the kitchen.
Rusty: (looking in to the kitchen) You ate all the food!
*Bowser Jr: Don’t care.
He takes a drink. His eyes turn tye-dyed, 1960’s music starts to play, and *Bowser Jr falls onto his back.
*Bowser Jr: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Max: What’s in that stuff?
Yux: I can read now! It contains, crack, coke, red goner, blue bombers, yellow submarines, MSG mock three, and trace amounts of lemonade.
Rusty: Cool.
Two days later...
Yux: So hungry!
Max: We heard you the first time!
Rusty: We’re going to need food pretty soon or we’re dead!
Clefy: …
Rusty: Shut up! You’ve been down there two days already, you’re dead, we know!
Yux: Wait, she’s been down there for two days? That means we haven’t moved for two days!
Max: But on the plus side I’ve learned how to do the thunder thing again and more!
Yux: Shut up, hat boy.
Max: Don’t be dissen the hat fool!
Max hits him with a thunder bolt, freezes him, melts him with fire, and makes pretty flowers in his brain.
Yux: … Ow.
*Bowser Jr: (still on his back and laughing) Ha ha ha… Phew, glad that’s over. Hey! Look over there!
He points to the Mario Party cruiseship, docked by Neon Heights.
Rusty: Let’s steal stuff!
*Bowser Jr: You have learned much.
They head for the ship. They pass a little island with two inhabitants.
Bowser: Hello! We need help here!
Koopa Kid: It seams like they didn’t hear you, sir.
Bowser: Shut up, Mini-Me.
…
Toadsworth: What's wrong, Sir Luigi?
Luigi: I’m just exhausted.
Toadsworth: From what?
Luigi: Well, you see…
He looks out the window to see the pirate ship.
Luigi: … You wouldn’t have a life boat handy, would you?
Toadsworth: Only the dance activated one.
Luigi: Perfect!
Luigi gets on the boat and shakes his groove thing until he’s far away.
Toadsworth: I wonder what that was about?
*Bowser Jr: Ok! All Koopas, Goombas, monkey things, and all other party members put your hands in the air!
Yux: And don’t just wave them in the air like you just don’t care!
*Bowser Jr: You two monkeys give us all the food onboard!
Toadsworth: Or you’ll do what?
*Bowser Jr: Sorry, the author forgot to put down that I had a firearm to your head.
Toadsworth: I thought that was some kind of wart.
After refueling, they burn down the ship and sail away.
Rusty: You should've taken the ship.
*Bowser Jr: Why? Our ship’s fine.
Max: Except for the huge hole that’s at the bottom of the ship.
Shadow Mario: THERE’S A HOLE?! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE OF THE SEA’s HORRIBLE BURNINGNESS!!!
Yux: We’re using Clefy’s dead body to block the hole for now, but we need to get to KK soon.
*Bowser Jr: Good thing I stole this map of a quicker way to KK!
Rusty: Where do we have to go?
*Bowser Jr: Through the river of styx.
Rusty: This can’t be good.
Two hours later...
Rusty: NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!
They are now sailing through the river styx, which is full of hippies.
Yux: Make it stop!
Max: Please!
Shadow Mario: THIS IS WORSE THAN THE SEA OF FIRE!!!
They finally make it out.
*Bowser Jr: Let's take the long way back.
Max: Yeah. Look! KK!
Rusty: Woohoo!
They stop and get off the ship and start swimming to shore.
Rusty: Now it’s time to do what I came here to do.
Whaka: Hello!
Rusty hits the Whaka with the dull side of his sword. A Whaka bun falls out.
Whaka: Hey! You knocked out my brain! I’ve only got nine of those!
Rusty: Ok, let's go home.
Max: Sorry, with your lifetime contract you have to help us find… Wendy!
Max points to Cortez’s ship, which is leaving port with a tied up Wendy onboard. The team jumps on.
*Bowser Jr: Give me back my sister!
Wendy: (with her mouth gagged) …
*Bowser Jr: But you can keep her gagged.
Cortez: Hey! I’m in the middle of me luck, Amigo.
Yux: Don’t care. Attack!
Rusty pulls out the master sword to attack Cortez. Cortez pulls out two sandwiches, a soft drink, and a napkin.
Cortez: Dang, that’s right. I traded my swords for lunch at Subway.
Rusty: Die! For no reason at all!
Rusty uses his sword to scatter the bone pile under Cortez. He collapses and falls into the sea.
*Bowser Jr: I saved the day!
Rusty: …
Wendy: I finally got that mouth gag off!
Shadow Mario: And I conquered my fear of water!
Shadow Mario takes control and uses his paintbrush to knock Wendy out.
*Shadow Mario: Hey! She doesn’t have her wand on her!
Cortez’s head floats out of the water.
Cortez: I also traded her wand to some green dude for donuts.
Max: Shut up!
He hits Cortez with a thunderbolt.
*Shadow Mario: You mean we sailed for two days in the longest chapter in the history of this FF to get nothing?!
Bowser Jr: At least we skipped this story’s two catchphrases.
A Koopa floats to the ship.
Koopa: Are… you… “the” Mario?
Yux: At least we skip-
Max: RANDOMIZE!!
He glows, then stops.
Rusty: Random what?
*Shadow Mario: Hit the deck!
They do.
Max: The good news is… Hey! I found a big red button under this table!
Max presses it.
Computer Voice: Light speed system will activate in five seconds.
Yux: Turn it off! Turn it off!!
Max presses the button repeatedly.
CV: Light speed aborted.
*Shadow Mario: Phew!
CV: Ludicrous speed activated.
The ship enters ludicrous speed, .1 seconds later the ship crashes into the docks in Rogueport.
*Shadow Mario: … Remind… me to... kill… you...
He once again passes out.
Yux: Can someone help me get unstuck from this wall?
Rusty: That’s my head! I think we lost Wendy back there.
*Bowser Jr: I didn’t like her that much anyways.
Max crawls out of the debris of the dock.
Max: We went so fast that my cloud turned into rain! Also, the bad news is…
Clefy: Somehow I survived!
Everyone: NOOOOOOO!!!
End of Chapter
Luigi’s Side 4
After shaking his groove thing until he can’t shake no more, Luigi stops at the Toad Town docks.
Luigi: Good thing I saw that pirate ship coming.
Frankly: WHERE WERE YOU?!
Luigi: AHHH! You scared two Mushrooms out of me!
Frankly: Where did you go last chapter?!
Luigi: What’s it matter to you?
Frankly: They’re going to take my arms!
Luigi: You don’t have arms.
Frankly: Oh yeah.
Luigi: Ok, two chapters ago I realized that this guy was heading the same way Mario did in PMTTYD. Knowing this, I went two chapters ahead to Keelhaul Key to find Wendy and claim this!
Luigi shows Frankly Wendy’s wand.
Frankly: Splendid! Only six more to go. So where are you off to next? The only Koopalings left are Morton and Lemmy.
Luigi: There is no way I’m going to Morton! I guess I’ll find Lemmy.
Frankly: Then take my jet and find him!
Luigi: How’d you get a jet?
Frankly: None of your business.
Luigi uses the jet to fly away.
Frankly: There’s no way he’s going to get all those rods. (on the phone) You heard me, change all of my bets on Luigi to the Bowser kid.
???: (on phone) Well, ok. It’s almost like you know when this kid fails and wins. Do you know this guy personally?
Frankly: No, not at all.
???: Whatever.
The man hangs up, then redials.
???: How are things going?
??? #2: Fine, I made it into the Bowser kid’s group.
???: Good! Stick to your lines so they will think you are who you say you are. When the time comes I’ll give you a signal to make your move.You remember what to do, right Doopliss?
Doopliss: Right! Pretend I’m their friend until they try to get Luigi’s wand, then I’ll tackle them and Luigi will get the wands. You’ll bet all your money on Luigi, who has a 1 percent chance of wining. After all this you’ll split half the profit with me, right, Wario?
Wario: Right, Wahahaha!
Shady: If you read this whole thing
and understood it then I thank you deeply from the bottom of my black heart.