Chapter 4: Jazzafrazz Razzamatazz, or...
Paper Luigi: The Marvelous Musical!
In the last chapter of Paper Luigi...
...
Luigi: I know that voice...
...
Jerry: Who is this freak?
...
Rawk Hawk: YES!
...
King K: Yo, G-dog, you be trippin'
all over this joint, a'ight?
...
Bathroom: OCCUPIED!
...
Millenium Star: Ha ha ha!
...
And now, for this chapter!
***
Jerry: Who's this guy?
Luigi: This is my new partner, Torque!
Torque waves.
Jerry: He looks kinda...
Blooey: Useless.
Torque: No I'm not! I can throw wrenches!
Jerry: ... And?
Torque: Well, um... I can throw wrenches!
Jerry: Let's face it, Luigi. He's useless.
Luigi: Well, he's not leaving, that's for sure!
Jerry: But why?
Luigi: He's essential to the party.
Blooey: And how is he essential to the party?
Luigi: Well, I haven't figured that out yet. But I know he will be!
Jerry: No he won't.
Meanwhile, with Mario and the gang...
Flavio: It's a boom bassa boom... HOLIDAAAAAY!
Mario: Will somebody please shut him up?
Flavio:You can't *hic* you can't *hic* you can't control Flavio! *hic*
Mario: Oh, he's drunk, ain't he?
Bean: Yeah, he's pretty much always drunk.
Flavio: Flavio *hic* hates you.
Back with Luigi...
Luigi: Why don't we get going? I mean, we've still got four more Shards to go!
Jerry: Yeah!
Blooey: Agreed!
Torque: Indeed!
Jerry, Blooey, and Luigi look at Torque.
Torque: ... What?
Luigi: Nobody told you to talk.
Torque: Okay... then...
Luigi and company head back to the dock, where Captain Kooplet is waiting.
Kooplet: Ay, what took ya?
Luigi: Long story.
Kooplet: Whatever. All aboard!
Luigi and company board the boat. Kooplet blows a whistle and they set off back to the Waffle Kingdom.
Meanwhile, with the Mario crew...
Flavio: *hic* D'ya *hic* d'ya *hic* d'ya got any twenties?
Mario: There is no twenty card in Go Fish, Flavio.
Flavio: You're *hic* cheating, aren't *hic* you?
Mario: No, there really isn't a card with a twenty on it.
Flavio: Then explain *hic* this!
Flavio holds up an ace.
Mario: ... That's an ace, Flavio. That's only worth one.
Flavio: Twenty, one, what's the *hic* difference?
Mario: Nineteen.
Flavio: Quit *hic* contradictin' me, *hic* 'Stache boy!
Back at the Waffle Kingdom...
Crepe: So glad to have you all back in one piece!
Luigi: What, were you expecting something else?
Crepe: Well, I thought you may have died.
Luigi: Just 'cause the author was on hiatus doesn't mean we're dead!
Jerry: Yeah!
Crepe: Okay, okay, enough blathering like idiots. Let's look for the next Shard.
Luigi takes out the compass and looks at the map. A secluded island to the south has a star over it.
Crepe: Jazzafrazz Island, I presume.
Blooey: Hey, how do you know about all these things, like what the name of a place is, or what we need to do?
Crepe: If I told you, that would be making a plothole.
Blooey: Oh. Okay.
Crepe: Well, you'll need to take Kooplet's boat again, I'm afraid.
Luigi: Why? We have Mobee, right?
Crepe: Well, the thing is...
Kooplet: We made him into tuna salad!
Luigi: ... YOU MONSTERS!
Crepe: What can we say?
Luigi: YOU KILLED MOBEE!
???: Not quite!
All: Eh?
A floating sandwich appears from the sky.
Sandwich: It is I, Mobee!
Luigi: How? Why?
Mobee: I'm an immortal tuna!
Luigi: That still doesn't explain why you're floating in midair. And talking.
Mobee: Psychokinetic power. I'm not talking, I'm telepathically communicating with everybody in the immediate vicinity. And have you ever heard of telekinesis? Neat stuff.
Luigi: This is going too far! First it was a giant, walking statue. Then it was a two-headed snake. Now a psychic, immortal tuna fish sandwich? I can't believe this!
Jerry: Neither can I.
Torque: Nor can I.
Blooey: Mm. Tuna.
Kooplet: Are ya gonna stand around all day and talk to a sammich or come with me to Jazzafrazz Island?
Luigi: I'll go with the latter.
Luigi and friends board the boat and go sailing.
Let's check in with Mario, shall we?
Bobbery: Young man... as my... dying wish... I ask for... a bottle of... Chuckola Cola...
Bobbery passes out.
Mario: Nooo! Bobbery's dead!
Goombella: C'mon, back to camp!
Back at camp...
Mario: Flavio! Gimme the Chuckola Cola!
Flavio: Too late, me boy! *hic, hic, hic*
Mario: Why?
Flavio: Me dun *hic* go an drinks it! *hic*
Mario: Oh, @#$%.
Back with Luigi...
Kooplet: Here we are, boys! Jazzafrazz Island!
The area surrounding them is a vast field of flowers, with a happy-faced sun in the background. Crazee Dayzees are dancing in the flowers, singing their merry songs.
Blooey: I hate this place!
Jerry: Shut it!
Luigi: Yeah, let's find that Shard!
???: Not so fast, green!
Luigi: Oh, god, not you again.
Popple: Yes, it is I, Popple, the-
Luigi: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it.
Popple: What, are ya tired of me?
Luigi: As a matter of fact, we are. Stop trying to steal our Shards!
Popple: Oh, my dear, dear boy. I'm not trying to steal the Compass now!
Luigi: Really?
Popple: Oh, no! I'm trying to steal YOUR LIFE!
...
Luigi: What are you, stupid?
Popple: No, why?
Jerry: You don't seem to have your little Rookie with you!
Popple: Oh, don't I?
Suddenly, Atomic Boo materializes beside Popple.
Atomic Boo: Boo!
Luigi wets himself.
Luigi: Waah! Not again!
Popple: Think you can take this guy?
Jerry: Yeah we do! We're the best! Right, Luigi?
Luigi is in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, sucking his thumb.
Jerry: What the-?
Blooey: Long story.
Flashback to Luigi's Mansion...
Luigi: Mario? MARIO! Mario! Mariooooo! MARIO?
Luigi stubs his toe on a mop. The mop falls over and a switch is revealed.
Luigi: Ooh, button! Pushy pushy!
Luigi pushes the button and millions of Boos are released. King Boo comes out last and floats right up to Luigi.
King Boo: Oh, Luiiiiiigiiii...
Luigi: Y-yeah?
King Boo: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Luigi: YAAAAAAAAH!
Back to reality...
Luigi: Ehh... eeehh... AAAH!
Blooey: Yeah, he's afraid of ghosts. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a heart attack.
Jerry: Well, we'll take care of you freaks later. C'mon, Luigi.
Luigi: Eeeeeeeh...
Jerry, Torque, and Blooey drag Luigi to the nearest inn. Luigi sleeps for hours on end before he finally wakes up.
Luigi: Eh... Blooey? Jerry? Torque?
Jerry: You were asleep forever!
Torque: Yeah!
Luigi: Sorry, guys. Luigi's Mansion scarred me for life.
Blooey: I wouldn't blame you. The game was horrible!
Then why did I buy it, hm?
Luigi: Because you like me?
Yep. Carry on!
Jerry: I hate breaking the fourth wall.
Meanwhile, with the Mario Gang...
Curse Chest: YOU FOOLS! You actually thought I was going to let you go without a curse? MUAHAHAHA!
Mario: Just get it over with so I can get the next Crystal Star.
Curse Chest: Fi-ine! Take your new paper boat power thing.
Mario: Thanks!
Back with Luigi...
Luigi: Man, this island is great! There's nothing scary here!
Luigi looks down.
Luigi: Except for that smiling flower. That's just creepy.
???: Hi! Can I help you?
Luigi looks back up. He sees a green Crazee Dayzee.
Luigi: Yes, you can. Have you seen a Platinum Shard around here?
Crazee Dayzee: Yep! It's the prize for the play competition!
Luigi: Play... competition?
Crazee Dayzee: Yep! Every year on Jazzafrazz Island, we have a play competition. Whoever makes the better play wins the grand prize! This year, the prize is a Platinum Shard thing!
Luigi: Excuse me, sir...
Luigi turns to his partners.
Luigi: Did you hear that? The prize for that play competition is the next piece of the Compass!
Jerry: Well, gee, we didn't see that coming.
Luigi: Have you been reading the script?
Jerry: Why, yes... yes I have.
Luigi: I really hate when you do that.
Jerry: Too bad!
Luigi: Whatever. Listen, guys. We have to create the best play ever! We need a script-
Blooey: I'll do that!
Luigi: -costumes-
Jerry: Leave that to me!
Luigi: -props-
Torque: Got it!
Luigi: -and actors.
The party is silent.
Jerry: Where do we get actors?
Luigi: I don't know.
Crazee Dayzee: I do!
Luigi: Really?
Crazee Dayzee: Yep! I'm the head of the theater! I can hook you guys up with all sorts of great actors!
Luigi: Sweet! Thanks... uh, what's your name?
Crazee Dayzee: Hayzee... Hayzee Dayzee!
Luigi: Yeah! Thanks, Hayzee!
Hayzee joined your party!
Luigi: What? I didn't-
I said... Hayzee joined your party!
Luigi: Well, jeez! You don't have to yell!
I wasn't yelling! I was speaking in italics!
Luigi: So? What's the difference?
While Luigi is babbling to the author, Jerry, Blooey, Hayzee and Torque are getting the play ready.
While we're at it, let's see what Mario's doing!
Cortez: ph33r m3!
Mario: Eh?
Cortez: ph33r my l33t 4ct10n sk1llz0rz! 1 w1ll 0wnz0rz u!!1!!11! T3hr3 1s n0 3sc4p3!
Mario's brain implodes from the ch4tsp33k. I mean chatspeak.
Cortez: s33? 1 pwnz0rz j00!
Ugh. Let's get back to what Luigi's doing.
Blooey: Luigi? How do you spell “floccinaucinihilipilification”?
Luigi: Why do you need to know?
Blooey: It's part of the script!
Luigi: Ugh...
Jerry: Luigi! LUIGI!
Luigi: What?
Jerry: What looks better on me; pink, or black with skulls on it?
Luigi: I don't know! Just... go with the pink one!
Torque: LUIGI!
Luigi: WHAT?
Torque: Can I use the bathroom?
Luigi: SURE! WHATEVER!
Hayzee: Hey, Luigi!
Luigi: ... WHAT?
Hayzee: I've got your lead actor right here!
Luigi: Oh, good! Wait... is that... WARIO?
Wario: Yep! I'm playin' the part of... YOU!
Luigi: WHAT?
Blooey: Yeah! This chapter is a sort of recap, so we figured we'd make a play about the story so far!
Luigi: HOW UNCREATIVE CAN YOU IDIOTS GET?
Blooey: Since when were we uncreative?
Meanwhile, on the Pudding Continent...
Bill Cosby: Oh, boy! I think I wet myself!
Back with Luigi...
Luigi: It was just once!
Blooey: Yeah... right.
Luigi: I digress. Why is Wario playing my part?
Hayzee: Let's see... Mario's too busy, Waluigi's too scared, Sorry-O doesn't exist, and... well, Doopliss won't bother to copy you.
Luigi: ARE YOU KIDDING? Doopliss would've been perfect!
Hayzee: Sorry. But we did get some popular characters to play the roles of your partners!
Bombette: I'm playing Jerry!
Gooper Blooper: I'm Blooey!
Spike Top: I'm Torque!
Amazee Dayzee: And I'm Hayzee!
Luigi: No. No no no no.
Hayzee: Oh, that's not all! I hired some others to play bosses you've met!
Kent C. Koopa: I'm Rumblebumpa!
Fawful: Popple is me!
Petey Piranha, Triclyde, and Mouser: We're Popple's rookies!
Double Dragon: I'm Hizza!
Buzzy Beetles: We're the Buzzy Beetle racers!
Hayzee: Like them?
Luigi: Whatever. Blooey, you done with the script?
Blooey: Yep! Read it!
Luigi starts to read it. He's halfway through the script before he looks up at Blooey.
Luigi: Blooey?
Blooey: Yeah?
Luigi: WHY THE #$%@ DID YOU MAKE THIS A RAP SONG?
Blooey: Teenagers love rap!
Luigi: Oh, whatever. Let's just go with what we have.
On the day... of the play!
Amazee Dayzee: Welcome, one and all to the 69th annual Jazzafrazz Play-Off! The first competitor in the Play-Off is a group of five from the Waffle Kingdom. Give it up for Blooey, Jerry, Torque, Hayzee, and Melissa!
Luigi (Wario): IT'S LUIGI!
Amazee Dayzee: Yeah. Whatever. And now, their play... Rappin' Up The Journey!
Blooey (Gooper Blooper) starts making boombox noises.
Luigi:
Yo, yo check it out
Luigi's in the house
I'll tell ya 'bout my journey
and... uh, mouse?
Jerry (Bombette): You stink at rapping.
Luigi: Shut up!
Blooey:
My name is Blooey
It ain't not Louie
I'm wit' Luigi
and I'm his very best friend!
Luigi: No, you're not!
Blooey: Quiet!
Luigi and Blooey:
We was in a big volcano
and it was getting kinda hot
when this statue came to life
and we kicked the snot!
Out of it!
Rumblebumpa (Kent C. Koopa): RAAR! I am Rumblebumpa, giant statue!
Luigi and Blooey:
We beat him up real good
and we got the first Shard
then we headed to the next place
where the journey would get hard!
Fawful (Popple):
I am Popple!
The Shadow Thief!
I've been beaten a lot
And I got no relief!
With my new rookie,
We'll beat them good
'Cause my friend Mouser's
In the hood!
Backstage...
Luigi: This rap makes no sense at all.
Blooey: It's hard being a writer!
On the stage...
Mouser:
Have some bombs!
That's all I can say,
But I'll beat Luigi
Any day!
Luigi and Blooey:
We got the first Shard
And we headed to the city
Then we swam through the sea
To get to Isle Plumpbelly!
Backstage...
Luigi: We'll never win with this rap!
Blooey: Oh, yeah we will. Just you wait.
Onstage...
Jerry:
My name is Jerry!
I look like a cherry!
My father's name is Barry
And I love to-
KA-SMAAAASH!
Luigi looks on the stage and sees Popple and Atomic Boo.
Popple: All right, you dumb flowers! I want that trophy, see?
Hayzee: You can't have it!
Popple: Oh, yeah? Show 'em the ropes, Atomic Boo!
Atomic Boo floats up to the stage.
Atomic Boo: HELLO!
COMMENCE BOSS BATTLE!
Luigi: 20/20
Attack: Boomerang
Atomic Boo takes 5 damage!
Atomic Boo takes 5 damage!
Jerry: Why'd that hit twice?
Luigi: It's a boomerang!
Hayzee: 15/15
Attack: Petal Breeze
Atomic Boo takes 4 damage!
Atomic Boo: 56/70
Attack: Lickzorz
Luigi is poisoned!
Luigi takes 1 damage!
Luigi: 19/20 (POISONED)
Attack: Boomerang
Atomic Boo takes 5 damage!
Atomic Boo takes 5 damage!
Luigi is poisoned for 1 damage!
Hayzee: 15/15
Attack: Sleepy Song
Hayzee sings a beautiful rendition
of the Super Mario Bros. Overworld!
Atomic Boo takes 4 damage!
Atomic Boo fell asleep!
Atomic Boo: 42/70 (SLEEP)
Atomic Boo is asleep.
Luigi: 18/20 (POISONED)
Tactic: Switch
Luigi switches Hayzee with Torque!
Luigi is poisoned for 1 damage!
Torque: 20/20
Attack: Wrench It
Torque throws a wrench!
Atomic Boo takes 5 damage!
Atomic Boo: 37/70 (SLEEP)
Atomic Boo is asleep.
Atomic Boo wakes up!
Luigi: 17/20 (POISONED)
Attack: Boomerang
Atomic Boo takes 5 damage!
Atomic Boo takes 5 damage!
Luigi is relieved of the poison!
Torque: 20/20
Attack: Plothole
A nuclear bomb appears!
Atomic Boo takes 50000000sd0svdaddv
damage!
Atomic Boo is defeated!
END BOSS BATTLE!
Luigi: ... How did you do that?
Torque: It's a Buzzy Beetle thang.
Luigi: Whatever. Let's just continue the play.
Hayzee: Nah, I don't think you need to finish it.
Hayzee holds up a trophy with the Platinum Shard on it.
Hayzee: This is for you, for saving us!
Luigi: Sweet.
Luigi got the Platinum Shard! Only three more to go!
Hayzee: And, I'll power up your partners because I can!
Torque learned Fixinate!
Torque: Awesome!
Hayzee learned Annoying Dance!
Hayzee dances. A Goomba in the vicinity dies.
Hayzee: Whee!
Meanwhile, with Mario...
Cortez: j00 d1d g00d. i g1ve j00 cr1st4l st4rr n0w.
Mario got the Sapphire Crystal Star!
Mario: Thank you very much!
Cortez: n0w i us3 mi g0dm0dd1ng p0w3rz t0 s3nd u h0me.
Cortez creates a plothole, which Mario falls in.
Cortez: s33 j00 n3xt t1m3!
As Chapter 4 comes to an end, Luigi and Mario got what they wanted, Cortez let Mario use his ship, Torque found out he had l33t godmodding skillz, and Hayzee killed a Goomba. What will happen next? Didn't Mario forget to get the first Crystal Star? Will Luigi get the next Shard? Will Hayzee kill more innocent passers-by? Find out next time!
To Be Continued In
Chapter 5: I Scream, You Scream!
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