Prologue
A house alarm starts going off
Mario: What the? Who’s breaking in? Where’s Luigi? Hello?!
Mario quickly runs down the stairs.
Mario: Luigi! Where are you?!
Luigi: Mario! Help!
A car door slams.
Mario: Luigi! Where are you?!
Mario runs outside and sees Luigi being shoved in a car and taken away.
Mario: (in a crying voice) Luigi!!! No!!!
Mario walks inside only to find a note. The note reads,
Dear Mario,
We are taking Luigi to the 7000-Year Paper Shredder because you keep using an axe to break down a bridge and destroy our boss.
Mario: 7000-Year Paper Shredder? I’ve heard there is a way you can stop it.
Mario runs to his computer and types in "7000-Year Paper Shredder. He finds a site on how to jam it.
Mario: There are seven paperclips, one for every thousand years. The first one is on Mount Everlast. (Oh crud, that’s the highest mountain on Plit.) Located in direct center of the mountain. The center is exactly two hundred feet in and two thousand feet high.
Mario saves the site to his favorites and goes out to the garage.
Mario: What should I bring with me?
He looks at the wall and sees three 1-Up Mushrooms, two mini Bullet Bill Blasters, and one Mario kart.
Mario: I’ll take them all.
Mario runs and writes a letter to the ruler of Pllt that says,
Dear Mr. Ruler Guy,
I am writing to tell you I will not be available for a while because I am going to save my brother.
Signed, Mario
Mario: I have to get to the post office quick.
Mario jumps in his kart and rides to the post office.
Mario: Will you send this to the ruler?
Post Office Guy: No! I want to fight!
RPG time.
Announcer: People, we have tricked Mario to come to a battle arena.
Mario: But I have to save my brother!
Announcer: Exactly, we are trying to stop you! You will have to stay for five battles, you will not be able to leave because there are electric fences around here. And your name is going to be El Sherlock.
Mario: Why Sherlock?
Announcer: Because we felt like it, gosh!
Mario: Do I have to sleep in a cruddy locker room like the last time?
Announcer: Yes!
Mario: Aw!
Announcer: Cry cry cry!
Mario: Shut up! I brought my DS.
Announcer: Aw!
Mario heads to his locker room when his cell phone starts ringing.
Mario: Hello?
Luigi: Hi!
Mario: When? Where? How? Who?
Luigi: Calm down, Mario! You have a month to come and get me. Uh oh! The guy who stole me is coming.
Mario: Who...
The phone line goes dead.
Mario: Oh no!
Rogueport Pirate (RPP): What’s wrong?
Mario: My brother’s been kidnapped...
RPP: So has mine.
The whole locker room: And mine, and mine, and mine.
Mario: Where have yours been taken?
The whole locker room: The 7000-Year Paper Shredder.
Mario: Why have all our brothers been captured?
RPP: I don’t know, but let's make a deal right now, whoever wins the fights will have to rescue them.
The whole locker room: Ok!
Mario: Hold on a minute. Who’s a good spy?
RPP: I am!
Mario: Go find out why they sent our brothers there.
RPP: I’m on it!
Mario: Now whoever wins needs to know this: There are seven paperclips, one for every thousand years. The first is located in the direct center of Mount Everlast. The center is exactly two hundred feet in and two thousand feet high.
The whole crowd: Oh crud!
The announcer walks in.
Announcer: Tonight’s first battle is Mario vs Metal Mario.
Mario: Oh crud!
They walk out into the arena.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight’s battle is Mario vs Metal Mario!
Audience: Yeah!
Mario: Please call me PM, it stands for Paper Mario.
Announcer: Ok!
The starting bell rings.
MM: I’m going to beat you.
Then Metal Mario charges at full speed. PM lays on his back and lets MM fall into a pit of lava.
PM: Yeah!
Announcer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep bragging.
PM: Do you mean like this? (smart alec voice) I have a DS and you don’t.
Announcer: Aw.
PM starts walking back to his locker room when he is pulled into an office.
PM: Who are you?
???: I won’t say, all I’ll say is, use your hammer in the next battle.
PM is pushed out of the room.
PM: I wonder what that was about.
He walks back in his locker room.
Everybody: Yay!!!
PM: I did it. Excuse me, I am going to sleep.
PM walks over to the bed and goes to sleep. Meanwhile, the Rogueport Pirate is crawling through a vent to find out why all the brothers have been captured.
Pirate: If only I could find the main office...
RPP hears a voice in the distance. He crawls toward it and listens to a guard on a cell phone.
Guard: Yeah, I’m in the main office... Ok, see you then.
The guard turns off his phone and walks out of the main office.
RPP: (talking into a recording machine) I am now entering the main office.
RPP jumps out of the vent and into the main office. He walks over and logs onto the computer.
RPP: It should be under there... Hey, they’ve got Lemmy’s Land on here... But no time for that now, I have to find out why they stole our brothers.
RPP then goes to the secret files and finds out that the heroes' brothers have been taken to the shredder so that the heroes that they have sent to fight in the arena will get sad and lonely, and ultimately give up to a pair of a scissors. If the heroes don't, then they still will have to fight Rawk Hawk at the 7000-Year Paper Shredder.
RPP: I have to tell PM this.
RPP goes back to the locker room and tells PM everything. Then the announcer walks in.
Announcer: The next fight is RPP vs Glass Man!
PM: Go RPP!
Every contestant goes out into the audience to watch.
Announcer: Tonight’s matchup is RPP vs Glass Man. 3... 2... 1... FIGHT!
RPP charges at Glass Man, but as fast as the fight started, Glass Man shatters and cuts a hole in the bottom of the arena for RPP to fall through.
Announcer: Did Glass Man win?
The announcer looks through the hole only to see pure sky.
Announcer: Glass Man wins.
PM runs up to the hole.
PM: Why does this keep happening to me?
The whole audience takes a giant step back.
PM: What?
PM goes back to the locker room when thoughts start going through his head.
PM: (Hammer, Glass Man.)
PM: I get it now.
PM walks into the locker room. Three hours later...
Announcer: Next battle is Glass Man vs PM!
PM: Ha ha, you haven’t called me Sherlock.
Announcer: So?
They walk out into the arena.
Announcer: Our next battle is PM vs Glass Man. 3... 2... 1... Fight!
Neither PM nor Glass Man (GM) move an inch.
Announcer: Uh, start, begin, fight?
PM: We know.
Finally GM charges but then PM pulls out his hammer and smashes GM into bits.
PM: That’s for RPP and CHEESE!!!
Whoohoo! He said it!
Audience: Yeah! Go PM.
Stupid Guy: Yeah, because AM isn’t good.
PM: (confused) Uh-huh.
PM walks back to the locker room.
Locker room people: Yay!
PM: Three more battles!
Announcer: Next battle is PM vs Metal Yoshi (MY).
PM: But I haven’t had any time to rest.
Announcer: So? I have my PSP.
PM: What does that have to do with anything?
Announcer: I don’t know. Just fight.
They walk out into the arena.
Announcer: Our next fight is PM vs MY. 3... 2... 1... Fight!
MY immediately starts charging PM, but PM jumps, then MY copies. PM punches and so does MY. PM hammers and so does MY. After a little bit PM catches on. PM then jumps through the hole in the arena but luckily it gets windy so PM can hold onto a metal bar. MY jumps out too but drops like a load of bricks. PM then starts to grab the other bars like monkey bars until he is right by the hole. When he is at the hole he grabs onto the edge of it and climbs back into the arena.
Audience: Yeah! Woohoo! Yay PM!
Announcer: You win again.
PM starts walking back to his locker room.
PM: I wish RPP was here.
RPP: I am.
PM: RPP! Where have you been?
RPP: When I fell out of the arena I luckily landed on a train full of pillows.
PM: Oh. Guess what, I’m undefeated.
RPP: I know, but you have to go back to your locker room. You only have one hour to rest.
PM goes back to his locker room and rests for an hour.
Person #1: PM, wake up! Our stadium's falling out of the sky!
Announcer: He’s joking. That was a good wake up call, though.
PM: Who do I fight?
Announcer: Rawk Hawk.
PM: Crud.
Announcer: Jr! You are fighting Rawk Hawk Jr.
PM: Oh, Jr. Crud.
They walk out to the arena.
Announcer: Our second to last battle is RHjr. vs PM! 3... 2... 1... Fight!
RHjr. charges PM right away, but PM dodges to the left. PM then charges RHjr with a fireball in his hands. PM throws it. RHjr. falls and starts to melt.
RHjr: I’m melting!
Audience: Yay!
PM walks back to the locker room
Locker room people: Good job!
PM: Now to take down Rawk Hawk.
Announcer: No, you have to fight a pair of Waluigi scissors.
PM: I thought I was fighting Rawk Hawk.
Announcer: That’s if you get to the Paper Shredder. You have to fight the scissors now with no rest.
PM: Bring it on.
They start walking out to the arena when PM finds a Transforming Mushroom.
PM: Hey, this can transform me into any Nintendo character.
Then they arrive at the arena.
Announcer: Our last fight is PM vs Waluigi Scissors (WS) 3... 2... 1... Fight!
Within two seconds, PM is snipped in half. He reappears behind WS’s back and then uses his Transforming Mushroom to turn into a Boo. Then he taps WS on the back. When WS sees PM he jumps through the hole in the arena.
Announcer: How did you do that?
PM: I had a 1-Up Mushroom too.
The boss of all the workers walks out.
Boss: Good job. I will give you one thing that you want.
PM: I want all the people in this arena to be free.
Boss: Ok. (yelling) LET EVERYBODY GO!
PM: Thanks. Oh, and one more thing, could you mail this letter?
Boss: Yes.
PM then walks out of the arena.
To Be Continued...
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