Duel to the Death

By Lemmy Koopa

(In Response to the second Lemmyís Land Poll)

Little Lemmy's Land Qualifier

It was a dark and stormy night over Neon Castle. Of course, no one was surprised, far the infamous Koopalings were nearby. Inside the castle, an argument raged even stronger than the storm.

The seven Koopa Kids were assembled in the throne room, waiting for Bowserís instructions. Bowser had called a meeting immediately after receiving a letter from his arch enemies, Mario and Luigi. The letter read:

"We, a Mario Mario and a Luigi Mario, are outraged at your a most recent poll. We are a invincible, and a will never be defeated by a the likes of you. To a prove our point, we a challenge you to a duel at dawn a on October 21 right a outside your castle. If you do not a show up, we will a kill every member of a your family! -Mario Mario and Luigi Mario"

Bowser had almost turned white with fear when he realized that he didnít know who the letter was addressed to. He decided to make one of his children the recipient of the letter, and he had called the meeting to determine which one.

"So you see," concluded Bowser after he finished reading the letter aloud, "I need a volunteer to fight those pesky Marios! Can I get a volunteer?"

6 Koopalings, who had been talking amongst themselves while Bowser read the letter, immediately stopped talking so as not to draw attention to themselves. Bowser was expecting to hear crickets chirping, when he noticed that one Koopaling was still talking, although much quieter than before. Bowser rolled his eyes upon hearing mumblings of cheese, being the weakest, and Jupiter, and then decided to continue.

"Surely one of you are brave enough to face Mario!" insisted Bowser. Then backing down a bit, he said, "Iíll give 100 gold coins to any Koopa who takes the challenge."

6 Koopalings again refused to speak, not even to state the obvious. Bowser was about to continue again when he noticed that the 7th Koopaling was still talking, slightly louder than before. The Koopaling was mumbling about algebra, money not helping the dead, and Koopopoly (TM). Bowser stomped his foot and continued.

"Havenít you learned anything from your father?" asked Bowser. "Youíre supposed to want to cream those plumbers!"

Again, only one Koopaling spoke, this time about the Industrial Revolution, Bowser being stupid, and trees being green. Just before Bowser was about to continue, another Koopaling, in a voice that was just barely audible, said, "How about Morton?"

"Who said that?" asked Bowser.

No Koopa admitted to it. "Yeah, who said that?" said Morton, still talking. "I really want to know who doesnít like it because Iím nice and interesting but also Iím weak and wouldnít Roy be a better choice and-"

"Hey!" snapped Roy. "Nobody asked your opinion! But I second the motion."

"Honorable Ruler of the Monarchy," started Ludwig, "I presume that you are of the assumption that whichever of us should take the challenge with the pretense of success will most surely reach a state of going over the brink of mortality and being removed from our state of existence. Therefore, it is my hypothesis that it should be the most fragile and dispensible of us that goes."

"What?" asked Bowser. "How dare you curse me!"

Ludwig rolled his eyes. "The Koopaling who goes will die. Therefore, we should choose the worst of us."

"Good idea," said Bowser.

Morton shook his head. "I disagree it should be the strongest he might win and anyone else would surely lose and then weíll all die or at least maybe we should fight together or-"

"No!" shouted Wendy, afraid of ruining her nails. "I think my honorable father is right. The worst of us should go."

"Hey!" snapped Ludwig. "I was the individual who quite recently perceived of that congruent observation!"

"Whatever," sighed Wendy.

"Well, Iím certainly not the weakest," said Iggy, as he flexed his muscles, which, of course, were fake.

"You are a weakling," said Bowser, "but you often do have good plans. You will not fight the Marios."

Iggy sighed and flexed his fake muscles.

"If you keep Iggy, you must certainly keep me," said Lemmy. "We often make our plans together, and I keep you entertained. And I have the freeze gun."

"True," concluded Bowser. "You are quite valuable to our morale. You will not fight the Marios."

Lemmy jumped up and down on his ball.

"You must keep me!" insisted Wendy. Iím your only daughter, and you might never have another. And Iím also pretty."

"I donít know about you being pretty," said Bowser, "but you are my only daughter. You will not fight the Marios."

Wendy giggled and started to put on some makeup.

"You must refrain from disposing of one with the caliber of myself," explained Ludwig. "I am the most inventive and intuitive and I will have the greatest possible odds of obtaining success in future battles."

"I donít understand a work you just said," said Bowser, "but it sounded impressive. You will not fight the Marios."

Ludwig inflated his portable chalk board and went back to making calculations.

"I am the strongest," said Roy. "I will certainly be useful for you in a future raid. It is a wonder Iíve not won already."

"That is true," said Bowser, "and losing you would be a damper in my plans. You will not fight the Marios."

Roy proceeded to punch a bean bag.

That left Larry and Morton without an explanation. Larry thought quickly and then said, "I am weak, but I am useful as a spy. You can use me to find out Marioís plans. Also, the plants I produce will help make us stronger so we can eventually win."

"Your plants are disgusting," said Bowser, "but you are a very good spy, and I will want you later. You will not fight the Marios."

Larry went back to tending to his plants.

"That leaves you, Morton," said Bowser. "What is your explanation."

"I am good at reporting news and I can do it the fastest and I am the strongest smartest most handsome and Kooptacular Koopa and also I can annoy Mario and he hates me and you like me a lot right yes you do and also I have the best plans and-"

All of the other Koopalings suddenly pointed at Morton and yelled, "SEND HIM!!!"

"Wait Iíve not even finished my explanation you will wait I should not fight and-"

"Enough!" snapped Bowser. "I have made my decision. Morton will fight the Marios!"

Morton gasped and then ran up to his room to cry for the rest of the night.

The next morning, Bowser woke up Morton and escorted him out of the castle, where Mario and Luigi were waiting.

"Well a well, look a what we a have here," Mario laughed.

"Wait a minute," said Luigi. "This isnít a Lemmy."

"Thatís a true," Mario concluded. "But Morton will a do."

"You will never defeat me I am the strongest and the bravest and I will win so leave now and donít come back and run away and faster I am the best and-"

"Sure, whatever," laughed Mario.

"You a take him," said Luigi. "Iím a gonna sit down and watch."

"Good!" said Mario.

Luigi sat down on some grass nearby, and Mario pulled out a Mushroom and became Super Mario. Morton looked around quickly for a magic wand, but found none. Then he looked around for a wall, but couldnít find that either. Suddenly-

"Ouch!" screamed Morton. Mario had jumped on his head. Morton yelled back a in unintelligible language, and then was jumped on again. Still yelling, he began to wave his arms wildly, but Mario snuck up from behind and jumped him again. Morton fell onto the ground, and apparently dead.

Mario smiled and walked past Morton to where Luigi was sitting. The two exchanged high fives, and then Mario proceeded towards the castle to tell Bowser of their victory. Just as they were about to pass Morton, he jumped up and shouted, "None shall pass!"

"Excuse me?" asked Mario.

"None shall pass!" Morton repeated.

"Listen Morton," snapped Mario. "I defeated you, and I have let you live. Get out of my way, or I will have to kill you. I must get through!"

"Then you shall die," said Morton, menacingly.

"So be it!" Mario yelled. "Now we will fight with swords." He pulled one out of his pocket (?) and Morton magiced one up.

The two fought well, and Morton parried all of Marioís aggressive strikes. For a while, Morton had Mario retreating. Suddenly, Mario rushed forward and, with a mighty chop, cut off Mortonís defense arm. It fell to the ground and green ooze squirted out of Mortonís wound.

Mario bent down and kissed his sword, only to find his shield struck by another strike from Morton. "What are you doing?" he asked, amazed. "I just cut your arm off!"

Morton inspected his wound, and said, "Merely a flesh wound."

Mario stared at him and said, "Look! Your armís lying on the ground!"

Morton looked down and said, "No it isnít! Now have at you!"

Mario stood up and continued fighting. This time, Mario was even more aggressive, and he quickly cut off Mortonís other arm. Mario sat down again, only to find himself being kicked.

"What are you doing?" he asked, stunned. "You havenít got no arms left!"

Morton inspected his wounds and said, "Yes I have!"

Mario shook his head and said, "Look! You donít! How are you going to fight me?" He was answered by another kick. Mario promptly stood up and chopped off one of Mortonís legs.

Mario turned and walked away, only to be bounced into.

"Chicken!" laughed Morton.

"I defeated you!" insisted Mario. "Youíve only got one leg left!"

"Iím in fine shape!" said Morton. "It is you who is losing."

Mario frowned, turned around, and chopped off Mortonís remaining leg. Morton fell to the ground, now only a body and a head.

"Have at you!" he snapped.

"You havenít got no limbs left!" Mario screamed.

"I do so," insisted Morton. "And anyway, I can bite."

Mario proceeded to chop off Mortonís head. He left him for dead in front of the castle. Just before he reached the castleís doors, a large green head appeared in front of him. It was the ghost of Morton!

"How dare you kill me!" it said. "Now I will haunt you forever!"

"No!" said Mario, shaking. "Donít do that! It was an accident!"

The ghost chased Mario from the castle, and they were never seen again.

The End

No wait, itís not the end yet. I couldnít really kill my brother, now, could I? Hereís the rest.

Lemmy was riding his ball throughout his apartment, glad that his poll hadnít caused him to have to fight Mario and Luigi. Suddenly, the ghost of Morton appeared in the middle of the room. "Lemmy!" it wailed. "Now I will have to haunt you forever!"

"No!" gasped Lemmy. "It wasnít my fault. Iím sorry!" He rolled quickly from the room and spent the rest of the day looking for a potion to bring Morton back to life.

From the laboratory area of his apartment, Morton was laughing hysterically. "I finally got back at him!" he said. "Maybe now he will put me in his stories more often, and portray me as I really am."

"Wait a minute!" said Larry, who had snuck into the room. "If youíre in here, than who did Mario kill?"

Morton turned white, and then the two Koopas stared out the window, wondering which Koopa had had their final fate.

The End (For Real)

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