Lemmy's Land: The Screenplay

By Lord Seth

             INT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY

               Smithy Jr. sits on the throne. The room is completely
               wrecked. Mario, Peach, Toad, and Bowser are all in front
               of him in chains.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Ha! With Luigi and the Koopalings
                         captured in my dungeon, and you
                         guys captured here, no one can stop
                         me from ruling this world!

                                   PEACH
                         You'll never get away with this!

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Oh, yes I will.

                                   MARIO
                         Well, at least he didn't use that
                         overused "Ah, but I already have"
                         line.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Well, I can't take the risk of you
                         guys foiling my plans. So, I'm
                         going to make sure to kill you off
                         tomorrow to ensure you won't be a
                         threat.

                                   BOWSER
                         Wouldn't it make more sense to kill
                         us earlier? I mean, it seems that
                         whenever the villain puts off an
                         execution, the good guys are
                         rescued in the meantime.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Who would rescue you?

                                   BOWSER
                         Good point.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         But you're probably right. It's
                         better to play it safe and kill you
                         sooner.

                                   MARIO
                         Bowser?

                                   BOWSER
                         Yes, Mario?

                                   MARIO
                         You're an idiot.

                                   BOWSER
                         I could have told you that.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Then your execution shall take
                         place... immediately! SEND THEM TO
                         THE GUILLOTINES!

                                   BOWSER
                         Why don't you just kill us right
                         now, right here?

                                   TOAD
                         And isn't the guillotine a bit
                         violent?

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         It's more fun to do it publicly,
                         and I can get guillotines for a
                         really big discount. I'd be silly
                         to not buy them at the prices I can
                         get. So I figure, why buy them if I
                         won't use them?
                             (claps hands)
                         GUARDS! TAKE THEM TO THE
                         GUILLOTINES AND EXECUTIVE THEM!

               Some Goombas, Koopas, and Mushroomers come in and drag
               Bowser, Mario, Peach, and Toad out.
 

               EXT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - COURTYARD - DAY

               In an open area inside the castle, a guillotine is set

               up. Various minions of Smithy Jr. are there. Mario,
               Peach, Toad, and Bowser are all chained.

                                   MARIO
                         I always thought I'd die, I don't
                         know, fighting some evil bad guy or
                         something. A guillotine? It just
                         seems... crude.

                                   TOAD
                         Well, I'd prefer not to die at all!

                                   MARIO
                         Yeah, but if I'm going to die, I at
                         least want to go out with glory,
                         preferably taking down some really
                         strong enemy in the process. Not
                         just being killed off like this.

               A Goomba goes up to the four.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Uh, we kinda forgot how to work a
                         guillotine. We were hoping that you
                         guys would be willing to tell us.

                                   BOWSER
                         Oh, it's simple. You just-

                                   MARIO
                         -take it apart! That's the first
                         step!

                                   GOOMBA
                         Ooh, good idea!
                             (to other minions)
                         Hey! Guys! We have to take the
                         guillotine apart before we can use
                         it!

                                   TOAD
                         Yeah! And then
                         you... um... completely destroy the
                         sharp blade part of it. A
                         guillotine will never work with it.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Wow! You guys are really smart!

                                   TOAD
                         We try.

               The Goomba leaves and starts helping the others
               disassemble the guillotine.

                                   MARIO
                         Wow. Everyone is acting really
                         stupid.

                                   BOWSER
                         I know. Everyone knows that a
                         guillotine requires a remote
                         control to work.

                                   TOAD
                         Bowser?

                                   BOWSER
                         Yes?

                                   TOAD
                         Shut up.

                                   BOWSER
                         I refuse to shut up! I hate
                         shutting up!
                             (pause)
                         No, wait. I love to shut up! I'm
                         shutting up right now!

               Bowser hangs his mouth open, then pushes his lower jaw
               upward, closing his mouth. He tries to say something,
               but it's muffled because his mouth is closed.

                                   MARIO
                         I suppose that is one way of
                         shutting up.
 

               EXT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - DAY

               Luigi and the Koopalings go up to the entrance. There
               are many guards.

                                   GOOMBA GUARD
                         Halt! Who goes there?

                                   LUIGI
                         Um... uh...
                             (waves hand)
                         You don't need to see our
                         identification.

                                   GOOMBA GUARD
                             (as if in a trance)
                         I don't need to see your
                         identification.

                                   LUIGI
                             (waves hand)
                         You'll let us through.

                                   GOOMBA GUARD
                             (as if in a trance)
                         I'll let you through. Okay, let
                         them through!

               The guards let Luigi and the Koopalings enter.
 

               EXT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - COURTYARD - DAY

               The guillotine has been completely disassembled. The
               sharp part of it has been removed also.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Okay, so what now? We need to get
                         the execution underway. We've taken
                         the guillotine apart and gotten rid
                         of the sharp part of it. What's the
                         next step in executing someone with
                         a guillotine?

                                   MARIO
                         You let us go.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Really? That's what you do?

                                   MARIO
                         Yes.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Wow! You're smart! Hey, guys! Come
                         here and get these guys out of the
                         chains!

               Some Sledge Brothers come over and break Mario, Toad,
               Peach, and Bowser out of their chains.

                                   BOWSER
                         Just for the record, I could have
                         broken out of those chains myself
                         at any time.

                                   MARIO
                         Then why didn't you?!

                                   BOWSER
                         Uh... I don't know.

                                   PEACH
                         Bowser, you're acting dumber than
                         usual.

                                   TOAD
                         I bet he's affected by whatever
                         made everyone else so stupid.

                                   MARIO
                         Whatever! Let's get out of here
                         before Smithy Jr. shows up!

               The four run out.
 

               INT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - CORRIDOR - DAY

               Mario, Bowser, Toad, and Peach are running down the
               corridor in one direction. Luigi and the Koopalings are
               running down it in the opposite direction. The two
               groups collide and fall down.

                                   LUIGI
                         Mario!

                                   MARIO
                         Luigi!

                                   BOWSER
                         Whoever you seven are!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Um, we're your kids?

                                   BOWSER
                         I have kids?

                                   WENDY
                         Of course you do! What's with you?

                                   MARIO
                         I don't know. He's just acting
                         really stupid. I mean, usually he
                         lacks a little common sense, but
                         this is just amazingly stupid.

                                   IGGY
                         Huh? I thought only generic
                         characters were affected.

                                   MARIO
                         Affected by what?

                                   LUIGI
                         Long story. I'll fill you in when
                         we get out of here.

               They all dash out in the direction that Mario's group
               Was originally running.
 

               INT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - COURTYARD - DAY

               Smithy Jr. comes into the courtyard and sees the
               Guillotine has been disassembled.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         What happened?!

                                   GOOMBA
                         Why, we executed them, sir! We
                         destroyed the guillotine and let
                         them go!

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         And that is executing them HOW?!

                                   GOOMBA
                         Huh. When you put it that way, it
                         does sound like we did something
                         really stupid.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Argh! I shouldn't have fired all of
                         my original henchmen, who wouldn't
                         be made stupid by this formula!

                                   GOOMBA
                         Huh?

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         You know... Yaridovich, Mack,
                         Bowyer... those guys. THEY'RE not
                         generic characters. But they wanted
                         more pay than I wanted to give
                         them, so I fired them all. Darn it!
                         THEY wouldn't be affected by this.
                         I can't believe I actually made a
                         mistake.

                                   GOOMBA
                         This is all beyond my limited
                         understanding. Can I go do
                         something else?

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Yeah, sure, go ahead.

               The Goomba leaves.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         I've got to contact the front
                         guards and tell them not to let
                         those guys through! And get all the
                         other minions there to make sure
                         those guys don't overpower the
                         guards!
 

               EXT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - DAY

               Mario and the others try to leave the palace, but are
               stopped by a great number of guards.

                                   MARIO
                         Uh oh.

                                   GUARD
                         You're not following us this time,
                         Luigi!

                                   MARIO
                         I'm Mario. And don't you mean
                         "you're not FOOLING us this time"?

                                   GUARD
                         Oh, right. Well, you're still not
                         fooling us! We're going to capture
                         you guys and not let you through!

                                   PEACH
                         Not even if we say "please"?

                                   GUARD
                         No! What do you think we are,
                         stupid?

                                   WENDY
                         Yes.

                                   GUARD
                         Well, we're stupid, but we also can
                         follow orders. So you're not
                         getting through. Not even you guys
                         can beat all of us.

                                   MARIO
                         Only one thing to do...

                                   TOAD
                         What?

                                   MARIO
                         We have some people distract them
                         while the others get away.

                                   LUIGI
                         Okay! Who can be cut out of the
                         story without losing much?

                                   MARIO
                         Got it! Morton, Lemmy, and Wendy,
                         you guys all distract them while
                         the rest of us escape.

                                   WENDY
                         Hey! No fair! Why is it only us
                         Koopalings who have to do that?

                                   MARIO
                         Okay, Toad and Peach also! Now,
                         here's the plan. You guys try to
                         run past them and distract them.
                         Then we'll get past them, and when
                         they run after us, you guys can get
                         away.

                                   LEMMY
                         What are we supposed to do after
                         that?

                                   MARIO
                         Our two groups will meet up, okay?

                                   GUARD
                         Uh, we're standing right here. We
                         can hear everything you're saying.

                                   MARIO
                         I know. Okay, go!

               Toad, Morton, Lemmy, Peach, and Wendy all try to rush

               out, but the guards grab them. However, they manage to
               break free of the guards, so more guards have to grab
               them. In the meantime, the everyone else is able to get
               past the few guards that aren't attacking Toad's group.

                                   GUARD
                         Hey! They're getting away! Get
                         them!

               The guards try to chase down Mario's group, but this
               Allows the other group to dash off in another direction
               and escape.
 

               INT. FORTRESS - DUNGEON - DAY

               Lord Seth enters the dungeon and looks around.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Hello? Lemmy? Are you here?
                             (pause)
                         Darn it! I bet he left!

                                   GOOMBA
                         Uh...hello?

               Lord Seth looks in one of the cells. The Goomba he put
               there previously is still there, wearing the bad Luigi
               disguise.

                                   GOOMBA
                         You think you could let me out?

                                   LORD SETH
                         And why should I do that, Luigi?

                                   GOOMBA
                         I'm not Luigi!

                                   LORD SETH
                         Wrong answer! The REAL Luigi
                         would've told me I should let him
                         out as it is the right thing to do.

                                   GOOMBA
                         I just told you I wasn't Luigi.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Exactly!

               Lord Seth leaves.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Okay. He's officially insane.

               Lord Seth walks back in.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Four out of five doctors agree with
                         you!

                                   GOOMBA
                         What about the fifth?

                                   LORD SETH
                         Oh, that's Dr. Physics.

               Lord Seth leaves.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Is that some kind of in-joke that
                         I'm supposed to get? Because if so,
                         I'm not getting it.
 

               EXT. WOODS - DAY

               Mario, Luigi, Ludwig, Roy, Iggy, and Larry are all
               running through the woods, then stop.

                                   MARIO
                         Okay, I think we lost them.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Then let's get some water and
                         analyze it so I can concoct an
                         antidote.

               Some running is heard.

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh oh! I hope it isn't those guards
                         again!

               Lord Seth runs up to the group.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Oh, come on. Lemmy isn't with you
                         either?!

                                   IGGY
                         Um, no.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Argh!

               Lord Seth runs off.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Wait! Come back!

               Lord Seth comes back.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Yes?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Do you happen to know of a
                         laboratory we could use? I can't
                         use mine to analyze the water
                         because it was destroyed.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Hey, don't ask me. I'm just here as
                         a silly running gag. LEMMY! I WILL
                         FIND YOU!

               Lord Seth runs off.

                                   IGGY
                         Okay. Who do we know who has a
                         laboratory?

                                   MARIO
                         I'm sure we must have run into
                         SOMEONE who had a laboratory during
                         one of our adventures...

                                   LUIGI
                         Weren't there some in Woohoo
                         Hooniversity?

                                   MARIO
                         We don't have time to go all the
                         way to the Beanbean Kingdom. If we
                         don't get the antidote into the
                         water supply in time, we'll be too
                         late!

                                   LUIGI
                         Well, in case whatever plan we come
                         up with fails, we should at least
                         try that as a back-up.

               Lemmy's group arrives.

                                   LEMMY
                         We're here.

                                   LUIGI
                         Hey, that gives me an idea! You
                         guys go over to the Beanbean
                         Kingdom and see if the guys at
                         Woohoo Hooniversity can find an
                         antidote. We probably don't have
                         enough time for that, but it's
                         worth a shot. You have a sample of
                         the water, right?

                                   TOAD
                         We can get some from a stream or
                         river we pass.

                                   MARIO
                         Okay, then! You guys go over there
                         while we try to find a lab nearby!

               Lemmy's group leaves.

                                   IGGY
                         We still have no idea as to where
                         we can get a laboratory to use!

                                   ROY
                         Oh! I know! That Dr. Physics guy
                         had a lab somewhere!

                                   MARIO
                         Isn't that Ludwig's lab?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Huh? No, Dr. Physics and I are
                         different people. But he lets me
                         use parts of his lab sometimes. I'm
                         sure he wouldn't object to us using
                         it in order to stop Smithy Jr.

                                   ROY
                             (whispering to Mario)
                         He's been having an identity
                         crisis.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Huh? What was that? My hearing
                         still isn't that great, even after
                         that incident with... uh... it was
                         with that giant pipe organ, right?

                                   ROY
                         Never mind what I said! Do you know
                         where the laboratory is?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Uh... no.

               Ludwig runs off, then comes back wearing a doctor's
               outfit.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Hi, everyone! I'm Dr. Physics! I
                         bet you want to know where my
                         laboratory is, right?

                                   LUIGI
                         You're Ludwig, not Dr. Physics!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Don't be silly. I'm not Ludwig. I'm
                         Dr. Physics.

                                   LUIGI
                         Ludwig, stop with this Dr. Physics
                         nonsense! It's really annoying!

                                   LUDWIG
                         How many times must I tell you? I'm
                         Dr. Physics, not Ludwig!

                                   IGGY
                         Trust me. It's best to play along.

                                   LUDWIG
                         And now, to take you to my
                         laboratory!

               Ludwig walks a few steps, then grabs two trees at once.
               He pushes them both in opposite directions, and suddenly
               a small hole in the ground appears.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Okay! Let's climb down!

               They all climb down the hole.
 

               INT. LABORATORY - DAY

               They all enter a laboratory. It looks very high-tech.

                                   MARIO
                         This looks like it'll work.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Unfortunately, I don't know much
                         about chemistry. Just physics.
                         Hence my name. I'll go get Ludwig.
                         He knows more about chemistry.

               Ludwig climbs back up the ladder. He then climbs down,
               no longer wearing the doctor's outfit.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Okay everyone, I'm here! Let's find
                         that antidote!

               Ludwig takes a beaker of water and examines it under a
               microscope.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Interesting... interesting.

                                   LARRY
                         What's so interesting?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Nothing. I just like to say the
                         word "interesting" several times
                         when I'm looking through a
                         microscope. Like this.
                         Interesting... interesting.

                                   ROY
                         Just find the stupid cure so we can
                         defeat the stupid Smithy Jr!

                                   LUDWIG
                         You can't rush genius. Be quiet and
                         let me work.

                                   LARRY
                         Well, what do you want us to do in
                         the meantime?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Just stay out of my way! Oh, and I
                         need to get some of Bowser's blood.

                                   BOWSER
                         Oh no you don't. You're not going
                         to turn me into a vampire!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Well, he's been affected by the
                         water for some reason... though I'm
                         not quite sure why, as he's not a
                         generic character. ANYWAY, if I can
                         see how it's affecting him, it
                         would be easier to make the
                         antidote.

                                   BOWSER
                         No! No! You're not drawing blood
                         from me! I'm afraid of needles!

                                   LUDWIG
                         I could make a cut on your hand and
                         collect the blood in a cup or
                         bucket, if you'd prefer.

                                   BOWSER
                         Woohoo! Let's do that!

                                   LUDWIG
                         No, we're sticking with the drawing
                         of blood with a needle.

                                   BOWSER
                         Aw... I like buckets of blood.
 

               INT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY

               Smithy Jr. still sits on the throne.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Darn it! ALL of them escaped! But I
                         suppose it doesn't matter. A mere
                         sixty hours until the situation
                         becomes irreversible!

               Smithy Jr. laughs evilly.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Of course, since anything they
                         could do to break the "spell" would
                         require forty-eight hours, they've
                         only got twelve left! But best not
                         to take chances. Better send some
                         guards out to find them... no,
                         they're incompetent. I'LL go find
                         them.

               Smithy Jr. leaves.
 

               INT. LABORATORY - DAY

               In what is clearly later, Ludwig holds up a beaker of a
               fluid.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Finally! I think I've got it! And
                         you guys had BETTER appreciate how
                         hard I worked on this!

                                   BOWSER
                         I still have a boo-boo from when
                         you took my blood. It hurts! I
                         don't appreciate that! I don't like
                         boo-boos! Especially boo-boos that
                         hurt!

                                   MARIO
                         Oh, stop being such a baby.

                                   LARRY
                         Now the question is, can we mass
                         produce this antidote?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Sure! Just give me thirteen hours!

                                   LUIGI
                         We don't have thirteen hours. We
                         have six!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Well, there's only one person who
                         can get this done quickly enough...

                                   LARRY
                             (rolls eyes)
                         Right. Dr. Physics.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Absolutely! I'll go get him!

               Ludwig climbs back up to the surface, then comes down
               wearing the doctor's outfit.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Okay! Dr. Physics is ready to do
                         this! And he's also ready to stop
                         referring to himself in the third
                         person, too!

               Ludwig goes up to what looks like a vending machine. He
               presses a button and a mountain of soda cans roll out.

                                   LUDWIG
                         These contain the antidote. Okay,
                         my job is done!

                                   MARIO
                         All you had to do was press a
                         button? Why couldn't you do that as
                         Ludwig?

                                   LUDWIG
                         I'm not Ludwig! I'm Dr. Physics!

                                   MARIO
                         Okay, why couldn't LUDWIG do that?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Well, this is my lab. So some of
                         the buttons only accept the
                         thumbprint of me. Since I'm Dr.
                         Physics, and Ludwig isn't me, we
                         have different thumbprints. So
                         Ludwig couldn't activate that
                         machine because his thumbprint is
                         different than mine. Okay, I'd
                         better go get Ludwig.

               Ludwig again climbs up to the surface, then comes back
               down not wearing the doctor's outfit.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Okay! Let's grab these and pour
                         them into as many streams as
                         possible! Hurry! We've only got
                         five hours!

                                   LUIGI
                         Okay! Larry, you go to-

                                   LARRY
                         Hang on a minute! You're the one
                         who's been calling the shots all
                         day! Let me!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Hang on a minute. I'm the oldest,
                         so I should decide these things.

                                   ROY
                         But I'm the strongest!

                                   LARRY
                         I'm the most sneaky, AND I've been
                         the most influential in this
                         adventure!

               The three start fighting.

                                   BOWSER
                         Uh, maybe it's just the idiocy in
                         me speaking, but I think I have an
                         idea. Why don't we all get as many
                         of those as we can carry and decide
                         ourselves where to put them?

               The three stop fighting.

                                   LUDWIG
                         That was actually intelligent.

                                   ROY
                         Could someone at least tell me why
                         Bowser was affected by the water?
                         He's not generic.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Oh, I did figure that out. And
                         although we're supposed to be in a
                         hurry and not have time for this, I
                         suppose I have enough time to
                         explain it. See, Bowser has been
                         drinking a great deal of coffee
                         lately.

                                   BOWSER
                         Coffee is nice. I like coffee. I
                         sometimes even accidentally say
                         coffee when I should be saying
                         something else. I coffee I'm coffee
                         a coffee addict!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Um... yeah. Anyway, this water
                         somehow interacted with all the
                         coffee in him so that it DID affect
                         him.

                                   LUIGI
                         But he doesn't seem to be under
                         Smithy Jr's hypnosis. He's just
                         acting like an idiot.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Well, only that part affected him.
                         I could explain it, but it would
                         require a great deal of complicated
                         science stuff that no one but
                         someone who graduated from a
                         prestigious college would
                         understand.

                                   MARIO
                         You didn't graduate from a
                         prestigious college.

                                   LUDWIG
                         I never said I understood it
                         myself! It's-

                                   ROY
                             (rolls eyes)
                         Dr. Physics?

                                   LUDWIG
                         How did you know?

                                   ROY
                         I thought you said "Dr. Physics"
                         wasn't good at chemistry. How would
                         he know this stuff if you're better
                         at it than him?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Explaining that would require even
                         more complicated science terms. The
                         bottom line is that Bowser's recent
                         coffee obsession has caused him to
                         succumb to the part of the mixture
                         that makes people act really
                         stupid.

                                   BOWSER
                         I coffee the coffee here coffee
                         that coffee too coffee coffee
                         coffee bad coffee someone coffee a
                         coffee control coffee in coffee
                         water coffee drink.

                                   MARIO
                         Stop saying coffee every other
                         word!

                                   BOWSER
                         Sorry. What I was saying was, I
                         think the moral here is that
                         drinking too much coffee is bad if
                         someone puts a mind control thingy
                         in the water you drink.

                                   LARRY
                         Good enough for me! Now let's go!

                                   LUIGI
                         Um... I just realized something.

                                   MARIO
                         What?

                                   LUIGI
                         We can't climb out of here if we're
                         holding all of those!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Oh, don't worry. There's actually
                         an elevator in here.

                                   ROY
                         Then why weren't you using it
                         before?

                                   LUDWIG
                         It only goes up, unfortunately. It
                         can't take you down.

                                   IGGY
                         Then how does the elevator car get
                         back down so you can take it up?

                                   LUDWIG
                         It doesn't. You have to destroy it
                         and then make a new one down here.
                         I know this because Dr. Physics
                         told me. Okay, let's go! Grab the
                         stuff and go!

               Ludwig presses a button and an elevator door opens.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Good thing it doesn't require Dr.
                         Physic's thumbprint to active the
                         elevator.

               Everyone grabs as many of the cans as they can carry and
               enter the elevator. The elevator door closes.

Read on!

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