Chapter Three: Violence, Battles, GORY! I mean GLORY! It’s Glitzville!
After getting the second Crystal Star, Bowser and Flurrie head back to Rogueport Sewers and take the map to the door. After yet another boring lightshow they discover that the next Crystal Star is…
Bowser: Hovering in the sky?!
Flurrie: How are we supposed to get there?!
So they go to Frankly, who amazingly asks them-
Frankly: MAPS? Do you have any MAPS?!
Bowser: NO! How do we get there?
He points at the spot on the map.
Frankly: Ah! That’s Glitzville! In order to get there you must go on a blimp. But to get on the blimp you need tickets! And you can only get tickets from Don Pianta, and he lives on the far west side of Rogueport! MAPS! SPAM!
Bowser: What? Spam?
Frankly: It’s MAPS backward! It stands for Spicy Pork And Muffins!
Flurrie: No it doesn’t. It stands for So-
Frankly: SILENCE! Go to Don Pianta, complete your adventure, and bring me MAPS!
They leave and start heading to the west side. However they are stopped by a female Toad, who is searching the ground.
Zess T: DON’T MOVE! I dropped my contacts and I don’t want anyone to step on them!
Bowser takes a step forward anyways, and a small tinkling noise is heard.
Zess T: You… you…
Bowser: Come on! What were the chances of that?!
Zess T: You gave me an excuse to buy glasses, which are MUCH better! Thank you!
She runs off.
Flurrie: Okay…
Bowser and Flurrie continue to the west, which they discover is a much nicer place. Having no clue how to find the Don, they start asking around. Soon a pair of burly Piantas comes up to them.
Pianta: I hear ya’ lookin’ for de Don.
Bowser: Yeah, I need his help to-
The Piantas in front of Bowser nod. Bowser and Flurrie are smacked in the head from behind. The last thing Bowser sees is the two Piantas who were BEHIND him…and then he breathes his last. Well no, not really. Bowser and Flurrie wake up in a dark room in front of the desk of an orange Pianta.
Don Pianta: So yous want to speak wid ME?
Bowser: Uh... yeah. Ow. Why did you knock us out?!
Don Pianta: SILENCE! Unless yous wish to sleep wid de FISHIES?
Flurrie: Not particularly, no.
Don Pianta: Good. Now, what do yous want?
Bowser: I want tickets to Glitzville!
Don Pianta: Tickets, eh? Well, I scratch your back, yous scratch mine!
Bowser: But my back isn’t itchy.
Don Pianta: FOOL! Tis a sayin’! My daughter has run off wid one of my men, Frankie. I want yous to find dem! I hear they're somewhere around de docks, but I have no clue where they are!
Flurrie: Maybe they’re by the docks?
Don Pianta: YEAH?! Yous tink so? Well we’ll see! Boys, go to de docks!
Two Piantas leave. Bowser and Flurrie stand by uncomfortably while the Don makes origami out of napkins. A few minutes pass and the two Piantas come back with an unconscious female Pianta and an unconscious male Pianta.
Don Pianta: ACK! What did yous DO?!
Pianta: I knocked em’ out like I always do!
Don Pianta: NO! You’re fired! Take him out!
Pianta: NO! Not dat!
A second Pianta calmly and gently leads the first Pianta outside.
Pianta: Oh, de politeness! I can’t take it!
Don Pianta: Well, as thanks for your help I be givin’ you these here tickets! And now I am allowed to call on you for help whenever I want!
Bowser: What?! But we’re even!
Don Pianta: LEAVE!
They leave. They go to the blimp, where a Cheep Cheep is making sure people with tickets get on the ship.
Cheep Cheep: Tickets?
Bowser shows them.
Cheep Cheep: Okay, now I need you to sign yourself up as a slave for-
Bowser: Shut up.
Cheep Cheep: Dang! That usually works!
Bowser and Flurrie get on the blimp… and go to Glitzville!
Meanwhile, with Mario…
The Koopa has managed to chase Mario all the way to the Great Boggly Tree. Mario, tired of running, jumps on the Koopa and then shoves him in a bush. With thorns. The Punies, upon seeing this mighty creature, walk over to him.
Punio: Who are you?
Mario: It’s-a me-a, Mario!
Punita: AAAAHHHHHH! It talked!
Elder: Now see here, Mario-
Mario: Okeydokey!
Elder: HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME?! NOW I SHALL LECTURE YOU!
Everyone ignores her.
Puniper: Are you here for Bowser?
Mario: Let’s-a go!
Punio: But he left, and according to a recent news article he’s going to Glitzville, high in the sky!
Mario: Thank you very much!
Mario leaves.
Punio: There goes a great man.
Elder: HOW DARE HE BE GREAT?! NOW I SHALL LECTURE HIM!
Punio: Uh… he left.
Elder: HOW DARE HE LEAVE?! NOW I SHALL LECTURE HIM!
And so life for the Punies continues.
And back to Bowser…
Bowser and Flurrie reach Glitzville with almost no problems.
Blimp Captain: COME BACK WITH THAT SIGN!
Bowser: NO!
Bowser is holding a sign that says “Vote George for King of the Koopas! He promises that you will no longer be forced to join a losing military!” In small print it says “Warning: Promises will not be kept!”
Flurrie: Why are you doing this again?
Bowser: I must have NO competition!
Flurrie: Right.
Bowser slashes the ropes holding the blimp down. It starts to slowly float away.
Blimp Captain: I SHALL GET YOU!
Bowser: Gwa ha ha!
Bowser flames the sign, then takes a look around the place he is in. It is a brilliant, gaudy, tacky place with many interesting things: a Juice Bar, Item Shop, Hotdog Stand, and strangest of all… a phone booth. Center of everything is the massive Glitz Pit, a battling arena where people watch and bet on who is going to be a bloody broken loser, and then laugh as their beaten body is further tormented by being forced to repeat the process again and again, until either they die or... well, that’s about the only way out. A truly great place!
Bowser: I bet the Star is in the phone booth!
Flurrie: I’m sure it is.
Bowser walks over to the booth and goes inside. After ten minutes of intense searching of a place smaller than him Bowser realizes it’s not there.
Bowser: GRRRR!
He tears it out of the ground and throws it off the edge of Glitzville, sending it plummeting hundreds of feet below, to land right on a creepy person right behind Frankly’s house. An important looking Bob-omb walks over.
Goldbob: I say! I’m very rich and I disapprove of that!
Bowser: I don’t care! DIE!
He grabs Goldbob and tosses him over as well. He falls through the roof of the Rogueport Bar, landing on an annoying singing man named Flavio.
Flavio: OW!
Goldbob’s wife and son walk over.
Bub: DAD!
Sylvia: How could you do that?!
Bowser: Like THIS!
He picks both of them up and throws them over. They also land on Flavio, knocking him out.
Everyone in Bar: YAY!
Flurrie: Feeling better?
Bowser: Yes I am!
Flurrie: Good, because I believe the Star is in the-
Bowser: Hotdog Stand! Great idea!
Flurrie: *sigh*
Bowser walks over to the Hotdog Stand.
Hoggle: Yes?
Bowser: I want a Crystal Star!
Hoggle: Yes, yes… That will be 20 coins.
Bowser grabs a passerby and steals his money.
Passerby: HEY!
Bowser: RAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!
Passerby: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
He runs away. Bowser hands Hoggle the money. Hoggle hands Bowser two hotdogs.
Bowser: WHAT?! What is this?!
Hoggle: Hotdogs, like you asked.
Bowser: GRRRR!
He prepares to flame the stand when Flurrie comes over.
Flurrie: Bowser, I REALLY think the Star is in the Glitz Pit!
Bowser: Oh, okay. Why didn’t you just say so?
Flurrie: *sigh*
They enter the Glitz Pit… and see a massive room. The room has a few people in it and Bowser and Flurrie simply ignore them and enter the large doors in the center. Inside they see the beginning of a fight between a giant golden bird and a powerful Koopatrol. A blue Clubba lacking a club is announcing in the center.
Grubba: And now the championship match between Rawk Hawk, and the Koopinator!
Rawk Hawk: FEEL THE RAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWK!
Koopinator: I have RED eyes.
The Hawk suddenly leaps forward and jumps the Koopinator's SPIKED head.
Flurrie: What?! He’s spiked!
Bowser: SHHHH! This is cool! I should make my minions battle each other back home!
Flurrie: But it’s obviously rigged!
Bowser: SHUT UP!
The Koopinator does not get back up.
Grubba: And we have a winner!
Everyone cheers as Rawk holds up a belt… with a shining Crystal Star!
Bowser: GASP!
Flurrie: I know!
Bowser: He won!
Flurrie: Yeah, wait what?! He’s got the Crystal Star!
Bowser: He does!
Flurrie: So we’ll have to enter as fighters, battle our way to the top, and beat him to get the Star!
Bowser: Or I could beat him now!
Bowser starts forward but the stream of screaming fans prevents him from moving.
Bowser: MOVE!
He flames several of them, but they keep coming back burned and blackened to yell at a giant bird.
Flurrie: Want to try my idea now?
Bowser: Fine.
They head back to the main entrance and go to the left. There a security guard with no arms stands.
Guard: You can’t go back there!
Bowser: I want to be a fighter!
Guard: Oh, well that’s okay!
Flurrie: Why do you have no arms?
Guard: What?! I do! They’re really buff! They’re just... behind me! Yeah!
He turns around and goes through the door, revealing that he has no arms. He takes them backstage to an office. Inside Grubba is talking on the phone.
Grubba: Yes, I’d like to order five more fake spikes, oh, and how about some smokescreens so we can cover up anything on the ring, in case one of our fighters needs a… push. Okay, bye!
Flurrie: How did he get here?! He was just in the ring!
Grubba: Manager secret. So you want be a fighter?
Bowser: Yes, how’d you know?
Grubba: Manager secret. All right, well although you seem pretty scrawny, you MIGHT stand a chance.
Bowser and Flurrie stand in shock, as Bowser is twice the size of Grubba.
Grubba: All right. Let me show you around!
He takes them out of the office and to a room on the left. It is a large, cool room, with a nice bed and, well, everything!
Grubba: This is the Champion’s room! However, since you’re never going to reach it I shouldn’t get your hopes up. Let’s keep going!
Bowser: Grr! I’ll show him!
He lets loose a blast of flame just as Grubba goes out the door, thereby dodging it.
Bowser: Eh… Close enough.
He follows Grubba. He takes them to a nice locker room, which is pretty decent but nothing great.
Grubba: And this is the Major League room! Nothing great, I know, but still decent! Okay, so there is the part where the toilet will eat you… but it doesn’t happen often! Let’s go back to my office!
Flurrie: What about the Minor League room?
Grubba: Ah… well I don’t want to show you that as it is so lousy that it would make you not join.
Flurrie: That doesn’t sound good.
Bowser: Wow! Normally I’d be worried but I am blinded by the incredible Champion’s Room and then assume that the worst room is the Major Leagues, as that’s the only other one I’ve seen!
Grubba: Good… good.
They go back to the office.
Grubba: All right, now you need a fighting name.
Bowser: How about Bowser, KING of the Koopas!
Grubba: No.
Bowser: Okay, just KING of the Koopas then.
Grubba: No.
Bowser: Bowser?
Grubba: No. I want this name to be at least slightly accurate.
Bowser: But my name IS Bowser and I AM the KING of the Koopas!
Grubba: Sure. Do you have any idea how many people have pulled that trick on me? Oh, I am BOWSER! FEAR ME! Pshaw!
Bowser: Uh, how many have done that?
Grubba: Well, counting now? One.
Bowser: Oh.
Grubba: I know! You can be Mr. Muffin!
Bowser: WHAT?! That name stinks!
Grubba: ARE YOU CHALLENGING MY NAMING SKILLS?! GRUBBA, THE GREAT GLITZ PIT MANAGER!!!
Bowser: Uh… sorry?
Grubba: Okay! Please sign this contract!
He holds out a large piece of paper with tons of small type and a spot at the bottom that says “sign here”.
Bowser: Okay.
He signs it.
Flurrie: But Bowser, it said that you were stuck here until you died or had the life force drained out of you by some kind of Crystal Star-powered machine inside the-
Bowser: WHAT?!
Grubba: No it didn’t!
Bowser: Oh, okay. See Flurrie?
Flurrie: *sigh* Fine.
Grubba: Now I’ll have my assistant Jolene take you to your locker room.
A stern female toad with glasses and a lock of blond hair walks in.
Jolene: Follow me.
They follow her. She takes them to the Minor League locker room, which is run down and filthy. It has a Bandit, a yellow Koopa Troopa, a Hyper Bald Cleft, and a Bob-omb in it.
Bowser: AHHH! It’s so lousy!
Jolene: Silence. When you want to battle merely access this screen.
She gestures to a large, pink Gameboy Advance on the wall.
Jolene: All you need to do is walk up to it and Grubba will tell you who you are battling, and inform you of certain requirements and restrictions for your match.
Bowser: Like what?
Jolene: Like “Do a triple back-flip and meow in the match”.
Bowser: Ahh.
Flurrie: What if Grubba isn’t available?
Jolene looks her straight in the eye.
Jolene: Grubba is ALWAYS available…
She walks out.
Flurrie: Creepy…
The screen flickers on. Grubba’s face appears.
Grubba: Well hi, Mr. Muffin! Your first match is against the Goomba Bros! I want you to give a big SMILE to the audience before it’s done!
Bowser: All right.
Grubba: A guard shall escort you there.
After a few minutes the guard who was five feet away from the door comes in.
Guard: COME WITH ME!
Flurrie: Chill!
Guard: OKAY!
They follow him to the ring. They go up to the arena. They are surrounded by screaming fans.
Flurrie: Uh… Isn’t this the LOWEST ranked match?
Guard: THESE PEOPLE HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO!!!
Flurrie: Why do you keep yelling?!
Guard: BECAUSE I HAVE TROUBLE controlling the VOLUME OF MY voice!
Flurrie: Right…
Grubba walks on.
Grubba: And now the match most of you probably don’t care about, it’s Mr. Muffin!
Bowser gives the crowd a BIG smile.
Fans: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
They start to run.
Grubba: NO! Don’t worry, folks, he’s just smiling!
Fans: OH!
Grubba: And I present the mighty, the powerful… Goomba Bros!
Five normal Goombas walk onto the ring.
Bowser: HA HA HA! These guys?! I’ll KILL them!
Goomba: Don’t count on it!
He runs forward and headbutts Bowser. Bowser doesn’t even notice.
Grubba: And let the match BEGIN!
Bowser unleashes a blast of flame at the Goombas, crisping them all.
Grubba: Uh…
Fans: Uh…
Bowser: Gwa ha ha!
Grubba: Mr. Muffin wins!
Fans: YAY!
Bowser and Flurrie are escorted back to the locker room. Jolene walks in.
Jolene: Here is your prize money.
She gives them a single coin.
Bowser: … Wow.
Jolene walks away.
Flurrie: I know, pretty cheap-
Bowser: I’m getting PAID to cream people?! THIS ROCKS!
Flurrie: Okay…
The yellow Koopa walks over.
King K: Hey! I’m King K, how are you doing?
Bowser: I’m fine… but I don’t like your name… It implies that you are a king.
King K: Hey! It’s cool! Grubba calls me Yellow Thing! That’s the name he gave me, what did he give you?
Bowser: Uh… Mr. Muffin?
King K: Hey! That’s not bad! Let me introduce you to everyone!
He points at a Bandit in the corner.
King K: That’s Bandy Andy, or Bandy. Grubba calls him Maskalicious!
Bandy: STEAL!
Bowser: Interesting…
King K: That Bob-omb over there is called Master Crash, or just Crash. Grubba calls him Explosive Boomer Guy!
Crash: I BOOM hate my BOOM name.
Flurrie: Different.
King K: And that Cleft is called Cleftor, or Mr. Grumpypants.
Cleftor: I don’t like you.
King K: Yeah… so want to be friends?
Bowser: How about after I finish my adventure you join my army?
King K: Okay!
Grubba’s face appears on the screen.
Grubba: Mr. Muffin, you’re battling Yellow Thing. I want you to win in three turns or less.
Bowser: Turns?
Grubba: You know, turns!
Bowser: I’m confused.
Grubba: Just win fast!
King K: Wow! I guess it’s you versus me! Good luck!
Bowser and King K go to the arena. King K has another yellow Koopa and a yellow Paratroopa helping him. Needless to say, Bowser wins. They come back and Bowser gets some prize money. King K walks up to him.
King K: Wow! You sure are strong!
Bowser: I know.
He makes a ridiculous pose.
Flurrie: Right.
Bowser signs up for his next battle, the Pokey Triplets. After yet another brief battle Bowser wins again. He comes back.
King K: Wow! You’re whipping through these.
Suddenly Jolene walks in with Bandy Andy.
Jolene: Stop trying to steal my hair! It’s attached!
Bandy: I’m sorry!
Jolene walks back out.
King K: You know, Bandy, you really should stop stealing everything.
Bandy: Yeah, yeah. Bye!
He runs back out.
King K: I just don’t trust him.
Bowser: Yeah.
Bowser signs on for his next match, against the Dead Bones. He wins. He comes back.
King K: WOW! You’re awesome!
Suddenly they hear some voices from outside.
Voice: So this guy tripped and hit his head on…a pillow?
Voice 2: Yeah, weird, huh? I mean he’s a fighter, and he has to go to the hospital 'cause he hit a pillow? Makes you think.
Voice: We don’t get paid to think.
The voices trail off.
Bowser: Strange.
King K: Yeah, I...
Bowser ignores him and signs up for his next match, against the Spike Storm, two Lakitus and two Spinies. Bowser has no trouble. After he comes back King K walks over.
King K: Hey! There’s some kind of new hotdog at Hoggles! He’s using some kind of tropical egg and-
Bowser ignores him and walks over to the screen. The screen flashes a message that says “No fights until Mr. Muffin checks out the new hotdog.”
Bowser: Grr. I can take a hint!
He tries to sign up again. A new message pops up. It says “No, you can’t.” After a few more tries Bowser gives up and goes to the main room. The Rawk Hawk is in the center surrounded by screaming fans and reporters. Bowser blazes, literally, a trail through them. He gets outside and sees the pig-like owner of the Hotdog Stand, chasing a multicolored bouncing egg.
Hoggle: Silly egg! Come here so I can cook you!
Flurrie: Bowser! Let’s rescue that egg!
Bowser: Why?
Flurrie: Uh… So it can join your army?
Bowser: Sounds reasonable.
Bowser walks over and tries to grab the egg. He misses and the egg jumps to the top of the Hotdog Stand.
Hoggle: Shoot! How am I supposed to get it now?! It’s not like anyone here can fly!
Flurrie: Shoot!
Bowser: Uh… Flurrie? Can’t you fly?
Flurrie: Uh… That’s right!
She flies up and grabs the egg. She brings it back down.
Hoggle: Oh! That’s an egg?! I thought it was noodles.
Flurrie: But didn’t you call it an egg?
Hoggle: Okay! You can have it!
Flurrie: Cool! I bet the egg has bonded with us now and it won’t run away!
She lets the egg go. It tries to dash away but Bowser grabs it.
Bowser: STAY!
The egg shivers.
Bowser: NOW it won’t run away.
Bowser, Flurrie and the egg go back to the locker room.
Meanwhile, with Luigi…
Luigi and Blooey have managed to reach the Strudel Continent. (Technically it is a peninsula.) Blooey managed to catch a few fish and Luigi managed to resist eating him. When they got there they quickly got off the boat and found themselves in… Plumpbelly Village! They see many huts and people with plump bellies! The one with the plumpest belly introduces himself as the mayor.
Mayor: I am the mayor! You must help me!
Luigi: Help you what?
Mayor: A giant two-headed snake named Hizza is terrorizing our village! The only way to make him not kill us all is to sacrifice beautiful maidens! My daughter is up next!
He points to a BEAUTIFUL lady.
Luigi: Wow.
Mayor: What? No, not her! She’s just visiting! HER!
He points to a rather pudgy girl dancing around in a bikini.
Luigi: AAAAHHHHHHHH! My eyes!
Mayor: Yes, she is beautiful. If you can rescue us, then I shall hold a massive feast in my honor!
Luigi: What about me?
Mayor: Uh… We have little food and cannot give you any.
Luigi: But you’re all real fat!
Mayor: Uh… Well I MIGHT be able to spare some things.
Blooey: We’ll do it!
Mayor: Good! Jerry here will help you come up with a plan.
A small Bob-omb comes up.
Jerry: Hey. I have a plan.
Luigi: What?
Jerry: Well Hizza won’t come unless there’s a maiden… and well, I bet if we dressed you up…
Luigi: *sigh* Oh well.
So Jerry, Blooey and Luigi spend the better part of the day getting Luigi to look like a fat female. This is not only difficult as they are all guys, but Luigi is rather skinny so they have to stuff numerous pillows and styrofoam pellets down his dress in order for him to look the part.
Luigi: This idea stinks.
Jerry: Shut it! Don’t destroy my self esteem!
That night all the villagers hide in their huts while Luigi is put on a pedestal. Jerry and Blooey wait nearby.
Luigi: I don’t think he’s coming.
Jerry: Well you have to make some kind of feminine noise!
Luigi: Fine…
He clears his throat.
Luigi: I feel like a woman!
He starts belting out lyrics… and he sounds just like Britney Spears.
Jerry: Uh…
Blooey: Does Britney Spears even sing that song?
Luigi: Yes I do! I feel like a woman!
A low rumbling is heard.
Jerry: Well it appears to be working!
Luigi: Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?!
Jerry: He’s actually pretty good.
Luigi: Smelly cat, smelly cat! It’s not your fault!
Suddenly a massive, two-headed snake tears into the town, one head on its tail and the other on its… well, neck. Luigi stops singing and starts tearing out the pillows and throwing them at Hizza.
Hizza: Huh?
The pillows explode on contact! Blooey flies over and squirts him right in the eye. And Jerry explodes by his mouth!
Hizza: RAAAR!
He suddenly lunges forward and grabs one of the huts and tears its roof off… revealing the TRUE mayor’s daughter!
Hizza: RAAAAR!
Daughter: LA LA LA!
Hizza tries to eat her but her flabby body gets stuck in his throat and he chokes.
Hizza: ACK!
He coughs her up and then falls to the ground dead. A piece of the Marvelous Compass comes out of his mouth. Luigi picks it up and attaches it to his Compass. The creepy voice comes out of it again!
Voice: Now you must leave east for Circuit Break Island, immediately!
Luigi: But the feast-
Voice: NOOOOW!
Luigi: Okay!
Luigi and Blooey prepare to leave when Jerry walks over.
Jerry: Hey… Can I come with you?
Luigi: Sure… but why?
Jerry: Well because…You are so beautiful to me! You are so-
Luigi: Shut up.
Jerry: Fine.
Blooey: How’d you sing like that?
Luigi: The small radio in my shirt.
Blooey: Oh… For a second there I thought you had some talent.
Luigi: What’s that supposed to mean?!
Back to Glitzville…
Bowser and Flurrie reach their locker room with their new friend in tow. Bowser signs on for his next match, against the Hand-It-Overs, Bandy Andy’s group of two Bandits and a pair of Big Bandits. He leaves the egg in the locker room. The match is slightly difficult, at least until one of the Bandits slips through Bowser’s defense and steals a few coins. He flips out and creams them. After he comes back, King K comes up to him again.
King K: Hey, I hear there is some hot chick in the-
Bowser ignores him and enters for the next match, against the Mind Bogglers, a Pale Piranha, a Dark Puff, and a Pider. Before they leave Flurrie confronts King K.
Flurrie: Why do you keep trying to be nice to him?
King K: Foolish optimism, I suppose.
Flurrie: Whatever.
Bowser annihilates the fighters and comes back again. King K walks over.
King K: Hey Bowser, I’m retiring after my next match and I want to-
Bowser walks off to sign up for his next match.
Flurrie: I don’t think you can retire.
King K: Well then I’ll be the first! Unless that first champion, Prince Mush, retired.
Flurrie: Prince Mush?
King K: Yeah, he was the champion before Grubba and the Hawk! But he disappeared…
Flurrie: Really? Well I- BOWSER!
Bowser is heading toward the ring to take on the Punk Rocks, Cleftor’s group of three Hyper Bald Clefts. Again the battle is slightly difficult but Bowser manages to prevail. When they come back they notice King K is gone. Well at least Flurrie notices.
Flurrie: I guess King K retired!
Bowser: Who?
Flurrie: Never mind.
Bowser logs on for the final Minor League battle. If he wins this he’ll be at the top of the Minor League! The match is against Master Crash and three other Bob-ombs. Bowser attacks them, lighting up their fuses, and then sidesteps as they charge into the crowd and explode. Bowser wins! He comes back to the Minor League Locker Room, expecting that it is the last time he’ll ever see it…
Bowser: HEY! King K is gone!
Master Crash: He BOOM is?! Oh BOOM no!
Cleftor: Eh. He weak. Not good looking or smart-like.
Crash: HOW DARE BOOM YOU SAY SUCH BOOM THINGS?! BOOM DIE!
Crash charges at Cleftor, exploding over and over. Cleftor charges up and then unleashes an attack that sends Crash flying. Crash gets back up and charges again. Bowser ignores them and logs on for a fight against the Armored Harriers! The first Major Leaguers! They are two Iron Clefts! Just before Bowser leaves Jolene comes in escorting a Swooper by the name of Sir Swoop.
Jolene: Blah blah, I don’t get paid enough, don’t die, yeah.
Sir Swoop: …
Bowser and Flurrie leave to face their match… When they get there they see the normal screaming crowd. The Armored Harriers, which are rather large Clefts, come up.
Green Cleft: You can’t hurt us!
Red Cleft: Yeah! We’re armored!
Grubba: Start!
The two Clefts charge at Bowser and connect.
Bowser: OW! Grr… Flame Blast!
He shoots a large fire blast at one of the Clefts. The Cleft emerges unharmed.
Bowser: What?!
Flurrie: Perhaps we should flee!
Bowser: Well…
The two Clefts charge again!
Bowser: OKAY!
They both run away back to the locker room, forfeiting the match. Inside their locker room, they see that the egg they got hs hatched! Into a red Yoshi!
Bowser: Aw man! I was hoping for a demon of death!
Nameless Yoshi: Give me a name!
Bowser: Well… How about King, as you are the new minion of BOWSER, King of the Koopas!
King: Fine.
Voice: King has joined your party! He can eat things many times larger then himself and give enough attitude to make Goombella cry!
King: Yo, yo! Kickin’ with the homies, dude!
Flurrie: Don’t do that.
King: ‘Kay.
Bowser: Okay, Flurrie, disappear!
Flurrie disappears.
King: All right! Let’s beat those Iron Clefts you didn’t tell me about and I should have no knowledge of!
Bowser: Okay!
They leave for the arena. The Clefts are still there and everyone is acting like they never ran away.
Green Cleft: Prepare to die!
He charges. King eats him and then fired him back at his brother, knocking them out.
Grubba: AND MR. MUFFIN WINS! He moves on to the Major Leagues!
Jolene comes by and escorts Bowser and King to the Major League locker room. There is a Hammer Bro. named Hamma, the Dark Koopatrol known as Koopinator, and a few other guys who are just standing around ignoring each other. Bowser is about to sign up for the next fight when Rawk Hawk comes in.
Hawk: Are you Mr. Muffin?!
Bowser: Possibly. Are you some Girl Scouts selling cookies?
Hawk: Uh… no.
Bowser: Then give me your belt as compensation.
Hawk: Well… sounds reasonable.
He hands over the belt. Upon touching the Star Bowser's claws tear through the cheap styrofoam.
Hawk: Aw man! Now I need to make another one!
He runs off.
King: Well that’s weird. If he doesn’t have it… then who does?
Bowser: Eh… I’ll just keep killing these guys.
He prepares to sign on when Parakarry flies in carrying an SP.
Bowser: ACK! How’d you get here?!
Parakarry: Postmen can go anywhere! Now I have been told to tell you to keep this one.
Bowser: Fine.
Parakarry flies off. The SP starts making a loud, annoying sound.
Bowser: MUST DESTROY!
King: NO! It means you have a message!
Bowser: Oh.
He opens it and sees a message from someone called X. The message says “To FiNd ThE cRyStAl sTaR hEeD mY-oh! That’s how you write in lowercase only! Whoops! Okay, listen to my instructions when they come! Bye!”
Bowser: Strange. Oh well. A poorly typed message from someone I don’t know? Of COURSE I’ll listen to them!
Bowser signs up for his next match, against the Tiny Spinies, two Red Spike Tops. The battle is surprisingly easy though so Bowser and King soon came back. Bowser then signs up for his next match, against the Poker Faces, two Bristles. Bowser easily crushes them. They come back to the Major League locker room. Bowser gets another message from X. This one says “Go down to the watering hole.”
Bowser: What’s that?
King: I have no clue!
Another message from X showd up. “The Juice Bar, of course!”
Bowser: OHH!
They leave the locker room and start to head out when…
Ms. Mowz: Well hello! How’s my hunky dude doing?
Bowser: YOU AGAIN?! Don’t you ever DIE?!
Ms. Mowz: Nope! Kiss me!
Bowser: NO!
Ms. Mowz: I see… Well then I shall be off!
She dashes outside. Bowser and King follow. They watch her jump off the edge of Glitzville.
King: Aren’t we like hundreds of feet up?
Ms. Mowz: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
A SPLAT is heard.
Bowser: She’ll be back. Let’s go.
They head into the Juice Bar. The bartender walks over.
Bartender: Well hey! This is the Juice Bar that sells nothing! We make money taking bets from people on how we make money! I have something for you!
He hands Bowser a hammer. The world goes white and Toadette appears.
Toadette: Well hi! You got the Super Hammer! Although it’s pretty pointless for you, I could REALLY use it!
She grabs it and runs off. The world becomes normal
Bowser: Right…
Another message from X appears. This one tells Bowser to go back to the Minor League locker room and smash down a large yellow block.
Bowser: This X person is running us ragged!
They head to the Minor League locker room. The guard is set on not letting them in but Bowser easily knocks him out. They enter the locker room and ignore all their old comrades. Bowser walks over to a massive yellow block and smashes it open. He then enters a small room. Inside the room is a small computer and some kind of important document on a high shelf. Bowser reaches up and gets it down.
King: Well? What’s it say?
Bowser: Well, it says this is an IMPORTANT DOCUMENT, and wait… it looks like it’s talking about a Crystal Star…
Suddenly Jolene comes in.
Jolene: You are not allowed in these locker rooms! I shall confiscate that now!
Bowser: NO!
They engage in a mild tug of war which ends when Bowser flames the paper.
Bowser: HA!
Jolene: Go back to your locker room!
King: Wait… How did you know we were in here?
Jolene: Assistant Manager Secret.
King: Right…
They go back to the Major League locker room and Bowser signs up to face the 7th seed… the Shellshockers! They are a group of two Shady Koopas and a Shady Paratroopa! Considerably more powerful than Koopa Troopas, Bowser still defeats them easily. Just as he’s about to leave, the Iron Adonis Twins, the Iron Clefts, jump out and attack Bowser.
Green Cleft: You won’t beat us again!
Red Cleft: Yeah! We’re exactly the same!
They charge at Bowser. Bowser dodges Red’s charge and then grabs Green. After a bit of effort he lifts Green and drops him on Red’s head, getting him stuck on his spikes.
Red Cleft: Get off! Get off!
Green Cleft: Get me off! Get me off!
They run around wildly breaking through walls until they fall off the edge of Glitzville.
Clefts: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
A loud BAM sound is heard.
Bowser: I don’t think they’ll be back.
Bowser goes back to the locker room to log on for his next match. However he gets another Email before he can. This one isn’t from X, it says “Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong! You’ll never guess who I am! Sincerely Rawk Hawk.”
King: Man, that guy is dumb.
Bowser: Who?! How do you know who it is?!
King: He SIGNED it!
Bowser: Oh. So he did…
Bowser logs on for his next match, against the Magikoopa Masters, a green, red, and white Magikoopa team. They are slightly difficult but their spells are pathetic and Bowser manages to cream them. When he comes back he notices a large slice of cake in the room.
Koopinator: A fan sent you that.
Bowser: YUM!
Bowser runs over and tried to gobble it down, when Shellshock the Shady Koopa runs in front of him and eats it first!
Shellshock: YUM!
Bowser: Grrr! DIE!
Bowser flames him. He then signs up for his next match against the Fuzz, a Fuzzy, a Flower Fuzzy, and a Green Fuzzy. He enters the ring… and wins. Just as he was about to leave Mario jumps into the arena.
Mario: It’s-a me-a, Mario!
Bowser: YOU! How did YOU get here?!
Mario: Woohoo!
Bowser: What? You got free tickets to the blimp because you’re Mario?!
Mario: Okeydokey!
Bowser: I shall crush you!
Mario: Let’s-a go!
Bowser charges at Mario but Mario skillfully dodges. Mario jumps up and bounces on Bowser’s head, then smacks him with some kind of hammer he managed to grab.
Bowser: Ack! Take THIS!
He shoots a fireball at Mario. Mario bats it back with the hammer and it hit Bowser in the chest, knocking him over.
Mario: Woohoo!
Bowser: Grr!
He swipes at Mario as he gets close but Mario merely stomps his hand. Mario prepares to unleash the final swing when suddenly…
King: Hi-yaa!
King slams into Mario from the side.
Mario: Oh NOOOOOOOO!
Mario attempts to swing at King, but King slips under the hammer and punches Mario in the face!
Mario: Ooh!
Mario turns and quickly runs away. Bowser manages to pick himself up.
Bowser: Thanks, King.
King: Aw… It was nothing.
Bowser: You will definitely be one of my grunts!
King: Uh… thanks… I guess.
Bowser and King walk back to the locker room while fans scream at them. Bowser actually rests up before he signs up for his next match. When he does he discovers the match is pitting him against Craw-Daddy, a powerful Dark Craw. The battle is actually pretty tough but yet again Bowser emerges the victor. As Bowser returns to his locker room he gets another message from X, this time he wants Bowser to go to the telephone booth outside.
Bowser: Let’s go!
King: But wait, didn’t you-
Bowser runs out the door.
King: Oh well, he’ll remember soon enough.
Before they get outside, however, they are stopped by Rawk Hawk.
Hawk: I shall CRUSH you!
King: Sure. Shut up.
Hawk: OKAY!
Bowser: Move.
Hawk: I sent you that threatening message!
King: We know, you signed it.
Hawk: Yeah? Well… uh… prepare to be RAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWKED!
He jumps into the ceiling and then falls back to the floor unconscious.
King: Okay… how did HE become champion?
Bowser and King walk to where the phone booth used to be before Bowser threw it to the ground.
Bowser: WHAT?! Where is it?!
King: Uh… It was thrown to the ground.
Bowser: BY WHO?! I shall kill them! It was senseless vandalism!
King: Uh… You threw it down.
Bowser: So I did! And it was very clever of me! Hey! A key!
He picks up a key on the ground.
King: What happened to “senseless vandalism”?
Bowser: That feeling went away as soon as I found out it was my fault.
Another message from X appears. This one says to go to the storage room by the Champion’s room. They head over there and unlock it with the key. Ms. Mowz is inside! She is standing on a bunch of large boxes.
Bowser: WHAT?! You just fell off the edge of Glitzville!
Ms. Mowz: I know! But true love can keep you alive regardless!
Bowser: Go away!
Ms. Mowz: Fine! But you should go upstairs!
She jumps off the four-foot-high boxes.
Ms. Mowz: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
She makes a SPLAT sound upon hitting the floor and lays there unmoving.
King: Oh sure, she jumps out a fifty-foot window, leaps out of a three-story-high tree, falls off the edge of Glitzville, which is hundreds of feet up, and all she does is step off a small box and she dies?! That doesn’t make any sense!
Bowser: Oh shut up and help me destroy these metallic boxes!
They push and smash with all their might but the boxes don’t move. Or break.
King: Hey, what’s this?
He pulls off a light canvas tarp that was on the boxes, revealing them to be normal yellow blocks! They easily destroy them.
King: How did the tarp make them indestructible?
Bowser: I do not know!
Destroying the blocks reveals a staircase that they quickly climbed. They head up and find another staircase leading to the ceiling. Bowser and King go in there and stomp around very loudly until they find a vent over Grubba’s office. Jolene and Grubba are in there talking. Bowser listens, breathing very loudly.
Grubba: So King K is the fifth fighter to disappear this year?
Jolene: Yes. Do you hear something?
Grubba: Only the sound of YOU getting fired if you don’t find out what’s happening!
Jolene: Okay.
Grubba: Actually… don’t find out.
Jolene: What?
Grubba: Just don’t!
Jolene: Okay!
She turns to leave.
Grubba: By the way… What do you know about Crystal Stars?
Jolene: Uh… they’re shiny?
Grubba: You sure seem to know a lot…
Jolene: Okay.
Grubba: LEAVE!
She leaves. Bowser sneezes very loudly.
Grubba: AAAAHHHH! Who’s there?
Bowser: Uh… no one. It’s your imagination!
Grubba: Oh, okay.
Bowser and King get back to their locker room and sign up for their next match.
King: So what do you think about all those fighters disappearing?
Bowser: What? Who’s disappearing?
King: The fighters! Five have disappeared in the last year!
Bowser: How do you know so much?
King: I just heard about it!
Bowser: But you were with me!
King: Yes! We both heard about it!
Bowser: Sure…
The next match is against Hamma, Bamma, and Flare, a Hammer Bro, a Boomerang Bro, and a Fire Bro. The battle is surprisingly easy as all three had dodged out of Bowser’s services so in order to appease him they forfeit. Bowser still flames them. When he comes back he sees another cake from a “fan”. Bowser tries to eat it but Shellshock dashes in and gobbles it up first.
Bowser: Why you!
Shellshock: Yum! What? ACK!
He passes out clutching his stomach.
King: I guess the cake was poisoned!
Bowser: What cake?
Bowser signs up for his next match against Chomp Country, a pair of Red Chomps! He wins, amazingly enough! He comes back and sees Shellshock still passed out. Bowser ignores him and signs up to battle the Koopinator. The battle is tough, with both sides exchanging blows, when Bowser gets an idea!
Bowser: I’ll jump on his head!
King: NO! He’s spiked!
Bowser runs over and jumps… defeating Koopinator.
King: Okay…
Bowser: That’s how Rawk Hawk won!
King: Yeah… and it’s also impossible. Oh well.
Bowser and King go back to their locker room. Once there they get another message from X. This one says to tear off the Mr. Muffin posters on the second floor.
Bowser: Posters? There are posters of me?
King: I guess. Come on!
They go to the main lobby. Once there they see about four posters of Bowser… or Mr. Muffin.
Bowser: Wow! I have POSTERS!
King: Yeah, great. Let’s just take the top ones down.
Bowser: Fine.
They go to the second floor and tear the posters off, dropping them on a news person and a cameraman.
News Guy: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! STICKY! Are you getting this?!
Cameraman: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! STICKY! I’m not sure!
Behind one of the posters they find a key. Immediately after grabbing it they get another message from X telling them to use the key to open the locked door in the storage room.
Bowser: I hope we find what this person wants us to.
They go back to the second floor of the storage room and unlock the door. They go to the back of a room covered in boxes. When they reach the back they find Andy and King K… but something’s different…
King: They’re all balloony!
They look like they were pumped full of air and now they sort of look like those punching clown toys.
Andy: Energy… was sucked… Pumped with air… Used as toy…
King K: The… pain…
King: Who did this to you?!
Andy: It was… the… ACK!
Bowser punched Andy.
Bowser: Wow! These guys ARE fun!
King: Bowser! He was going to tell us something!
Bowser: Eh… It couldn’t have been very important.
They hear the door creak. Bowser and King spin around, catching a glimpse of Jolene before she closes the door and scurries away.
King: We should probably leave…
Bowser: Yeah.
They start to leave.
King K: What… about… us?
Bowser: Well…you look fine the way you are so just stay there!
Bowser and King go back to their locker room/
King K: Stupid… Mr. Muffin!
Bowser signs up for his final match. Grubba comes on.
Grubba: Okay… because this match is so special you MUST lose.
Bowser: WHAT?!
Grubba: Or at least pay me a lot of coins!
Bowser: Forget it! I’m going to win!
Grubba: Fine. I’d like to see you beat Rawk Hawk anyways…
While Bowser fumes a security guard comes by to escort them to their match. They start walking… and they walk right by the arena.
King: Hey… you’re going the wrong way!
Guard: No… this is a shortcut!
King: But we just walked right by the doors!
Guard: Your point is?
Bowser: Shut up, King! Obviously a special match requires a special path!
The guard opens a door. Bowser and King go inside… a Minor League locker room?!
Bowser: Hey… I think this is the wrong-
The guard closes the door. The sound of him locking it is audible.
Bowser: What the?!
King: Told ya it was wrong!
Bowser: Shut up!
Bowser jabs his claws into the door and tears it off its hinges, much to the surprise of the guard.
Guard: ACK! I’m surprised! You can’t do that!
Bowser: Watch me!
Bowser slams the guard with the door and then runs off to the arena. Upon reaching it he hears the screams of many fans. He bounds into the ring right by Rawk Hawk!
Hawk: ACK! How did you escape from the locker room I got the guard to put you in?!
Bowser: So it was YOU who did it, wasn’t it?
Hawk: Well yeah… I just said that.
Grubba is in the front of them, building up hype for the match.
Grubba: And now two friends, forced to battle each other in order to save a loved one… it's RAWK HAWK VS. MR. MUFFIN!!!
King: Uh… Almost none of what he just said was even remotely accurate.
Hawk: Prepare to feel the RAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWK!
Bowser: Prepare to feel the MISSSSSSSSSSSSTEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!
Hawk: Uh… no. Try again.
Bowser: All right… Prepare to feel the MUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIN!!!
Hawk: Eh… close enough. CHARGE!
Rawk Hawk dives forward. Bowser turns around and Hawk impales himself on Bowser’s spikes.
Hawk: OWWWWW!!!
Bowser: Gwa ha ha!
Hawk reaches down and grabs Bowser’s tail and starts pulling.
Bowser: OWWWWWWWW!!!
Hawk: Ha ha ha!
Bowser flips over, slamming the Hawk on the ground and impaling him even more, then starts spinning.
Hawk: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Bowser: Gwa ha ha!
The Hawk sticks his hands on the ground and PUSHES, sending him and Bowser flying in the air. He dislodges himself from the spikes, sending him and Bowser plummeting to the ground.
Hawk: HA HA!
Bowser: AAAAHHHHH!
They both land with minimal injuries. The Hawk turns his back to Bowser and waves to his fans. Bowser turns his back to his fans and sends a fireball at the Hawk.
Hawk: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Bowser: Gwa ha ha!
The Hawk runs around for a while until he slams into the big screen, knocking himself out.
Grubba: Uh… I guess we have a new champion!
The fans scream.
King: Are they screaming because they’re happy, or because they’re going to start a riot and kill us all?
Bowser: Eh… Who cares?
King: Well I did-
Bowser: I DON’T.
Grubba: Uh… Jolene shall escort you to your new room.
Jolene comes up and takes Bowser and King to the champion’s room. She then leaves. Bowser is prepared to chill, when he gets another message from X. This one says to “find the ghost in the champion’s room”.
Bowser: What? That doesn’t make any sense!
Another message appears. This one says “You idiot! Listen to the voice! Follow the voice!”
Bowser: Well fine…you jerk.
Bowser and King are quiet for a while until they hear a faint noise coming from the direction of the wall they share with Grubba’s office…
King: Hey look! A vent! I bet we could use it to-
Bowser starts walking through the wall.
King: That works too.
Bowser keeps walking, making a LOT of noise, while King follows close behind. Eventually they break through the wall to Grubba’s office, knocking over his trophy shelf. Amazingly Grubba doesn’t notice them at first.
Grubba: I have a Crystal Star! YAY!
Bowser GIVE US THE STAR!
Grubba: What?! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Grubba runs out the door.
Bowser: He must be up to no good! Get him!
King: Well actually what would you do if someone just walked through your wall, ruining your room, and then started screaming at you?
Bowser: Well I’d probably flame them…
King: Uh… Probably should have asked a SANE person that question.
Bowser: Then squish them and…
King: Uh… Bowser… let’s get him!
Bowser: Send them to a dungeon for a while and what? He’s gone! Get him!
King: Right.
They chase after Grubba. He leads them to the arena. When they get inside he is already in the ring and it looks like he hit some buttons on a remote or something.
Grubba: Now you shall see the awesome MIGHT of the Crystal Star!
Some kind of machine begins to rise up from the center of the ring. It is large and has a section in the center where someone apparently stands. On the top is a Crystal Star!
Grubba: I use this machine to suck out the fighters' energy… and then I add it to my own to keep myself eternally youthful!
Bowser: But Andy and King K were pumped up!
Grubba: Yes, well I was bored… and they were flat, so I used a bicycle pump to turn them into Punch-em’ clowns!
While Grubba and Bowser are talking King goes to the top of the machine and takes the Star off.
Grubba: Now I shall become… Macho Grubba!
He stands in it and turns it on. Something appears to be wrong.
Grubba: Something appears to be wrong! It’s acting as if the Star is gone… but that would make it explo-
The machine explodes. Grubba disappears in a blinding flash of light.
Grubba: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! I’m dying! Now I’m dead just in case you weren’t sure!
As the explosion dies down a Toad pops out of the remains of the machine.
Prince Mush: Well hi!
Bowser: Uh… hi?
Jolene: Brother!
Jolene runs in from the door and hugs Mush.
Mush: Hello! And who might you be?
Jolene: I’m your sister!
Mush: Heh heh… Sure you are. I bet you just want an autograph.
Jolene: Wha? Don’t you remember me?
She looks like she is on the verge of tears.
Mush: Hah ha! Got you! Man, you’re so gullible!
Jolene: Why did I like you again?
Bowser: What’s going on?
Jolene: Oh! Uh… Mr. Muffin, this is Prince Mush, the first champion… and my brother. You see, I was X and-
Bowser: I don’t really care anymore, this story sounds like it will be boring.
Jolene: But-
Bowser Bye!
King: Uh, Bowser, don’t you-
Bowser: I SAID BYE!!!
King: Sorry.
They leave.
Jolene: Want to get married?
Mush: Aren’t we related?
Jolene: Possibly… but I’ve just been saying that so people would think it’s cool that I’m the sister of a really strong guy…
Mush: So you’re not my sister?
Jolene: Well of course not!
Mush: Okay… well sure! Let’s get married!
Jolene: HA HA! Fooled you back!
Mush: Dang!
Meanwhile with Peach…
Peach is wondering yet again when TEC will let her out when the door opens.
Peach: This is getting to be a pretty regular occurrence now.
She walks to TEC. Right now he is in Detective mode.
TEC: The dame walked into my office, looked she had a case… but then most dames do.
I said DETECTIVE mode, not annoying third-person private eye mode!
Tec: Whoops. All these moods, it’s hard to keep 'em straight!
Peach: What do you want?
TEC: I wish for you to speak with Grodus, the evil mastermind behind your kidnapping. I have opened an elevator. All you have to do is go in it and go right until you find him!
Peach: Why?
TEC: Because… I want you to do it! 01010111110000000111101010100001011100001!
Peach: What was that?
TEC: The binary equivalent of RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!
Peach: Right… Shouldn’t I have a disguise?
TEC: No… Everyone here is an unobservant fool, they won’t notice. As long as you say “dude” a lot.
Peach: Okay…
She leaves and goes up the elevator. She goes to the right and passes an X-Naut.
X-naut: Hey dude! What’s up?
Peach: Uh… Nothing…
The X-Naut starts to look suspicious…
Peach: Dude!
X-Naut: Okay!
He walks away.
Peach: Whew!
She goes all the way to the right and enters the last room. It is large and Grodus is standing in the middle.
Peach walks over to him.
Grodus: What do you want?!
Peach: I uh… dude… want to know why we’re keeping the prisoner?
Grodus: BECAUSE! We’re not using her in some kind of ritual where she is possessed by the spirit of an evil demon!
Peach: Okay… dude.
Grodus: LEAVE!
Peach: Okay! Uh dude!
She starts to leave.
Grodus: Wait… Why are your clothes pink?
Peach: Uh… A dude… duded them?
Grodus: Okay!
Peach: Whew!
She goes back to TEC.
TEC: I’m depressed now. I don’t want to talk to you.
Peach: YOU SCUMBAG! I just did that for you and now… now you won’t even talk to me?! I hate you!
TEC: Okay. Go away.
Peach: You know what? I will! Just to spite you!
She storms off.
TEC: *sigh*
What will happen next? Well probably more of the same… But the question remains… how can a recently hatched Yoshi have COMPLETE mastery of the English language and fight like a pro? Makes you wonder what they do in those eggs…