Private Log # 11
I have decided that the best way to get to know the Koopalings is to live with them. I will go in order of age, and spend a full day with one. First on my list is Ludwig, the musical genius. I have walked out off my room, and walked down the hall. Bowser has picked the location of my room. It is next to Larry’s. That means that there were a lot of plants in here, but I cleared them out. Some tasted quite good. The room is lined with a sheet of gold metal I shaped. I also have a few toys, all lined with gold metal. And, instead of a bed, a have a nest, made of strands of gold and silver metal.
I went to the dining room, where the Koopa family was eating breakfast. The Koopalings stopped and stared, while Bowser continued and Clawdia waved hi.
“Morning,” said Larry, and I gave him a point for being friendly.
“I have decided to spend a day with each Koopaling,” I announced.
Everyone stopped at that. “Why?” said Roy.
“’Cause it’s the best way to get ta know ya,” I said back. “Luddy, I’m spending today with you.”
Ludwig turned white and started to choke. Everyone else made sorry sounds, except Bowser who said, “Good, maybe you’ll knock some sense into that kid. Ain’t been the same since Karma.”
Ludwig turned red at that, and replied to me, “Okay.”
I snapped my fingers, and made a large bowl of strawberries and three Yoshi Cookies on the table next to Ludwig and Bowser. I sat down and started to eat, refilling my bowl every so often. When Ludwig finished he left and I followed. Ludwig went to the kitchen first, and I followed, even though I knew what he was doing. Ludwig grabbed a plate of cereal from the chef, and proceeded to walk back to the dungeon. I followed. Ludwig stopped and turned around. “Are you going to do that all day?” he asked, very annoyed.
“Yes,” I replied with a slight smirk, and then continued, “and get used to it, Luddy, I’m living here for a lot longer than you are.” Ludwig snorted and continued to walk.
When we reached the dungeons, he walked to Karma’s cell, where Karma was lying down, asleep. After I had talked to Bowser, he went and put her in the dungeon for four weeks because he felt like it. “Karma,” said Ludwig, shaking the bars. “Karma, I have breakfast.”
Karma got up, shook the "sleepies" away, and walked up to Ludwig. “Thanks,” she said, kissing Ludwig, at which I sent a small fireball into Luddy’s hair. It burned really quick. He started to yell and dance and shout and jump, and Karma was trying to put out the fire with the blanket in the cell, and the guards were going to get water, and I was laughing. So were most of the prisoners. Kammy appeared right then, and sent a large gush of water from her wand onto Ludwig. His hair was dowsed, but he was shivering. “Did you have to use ice water?” he asked.
“No, but I think it works fastest against fire,” replied Kammy, trying not to laugh at Ludwig.
“Here,” said I, as I walked up to him. I started my internal heat going, and he was dry pretty quickly. But then I had a fireball in my mouth, so I shot it at Kammy. Her robe burned fast too. We all laughed as she tried to douse herself, but couldn’t get the spell right. Flowers and blocks were appearing out of nowhere, and then all of the cell locks disappeared. The prisoners laughed and cheered, and then laughed more when Kammy knocked herself out with a block, still aflame.
Kamek appeared then, and I respect Kamek. Don’t mess with Kamek. Kamek put Kammy out and made all the blocks disappear, put the locks back on, and left the flowers alone. “To brighten up your pitiful lives,” he said, smirking and trying not to laugh as he disappeared.
Ludwig smiled, then frowned and looked at me. “Why did you burn my hair?” he asked, annoyed.
“I felt like it,” I answered indifferently. “Now let’s go! Move your bootie! Move! Hup-two-three-four, Hup-two-three-four,” and I marched him to his room.
His room was something. In one corner, there was a piano and a saxophone and a bunch of music sheets. In the opposite corner was a desk, a computer, on and running, and a twirly chair. In the corner on the right side when you come in is his bed, and on the left is a bunch of tools and some scrap metal. It looked as though he was building a miniature Klown Kopter. I walked to the piano and played the song I heard when I was born, perfectly. He told me so. Then I walked to the computer and went online. I pulled a floppy disk out of the dimensional world I keep most of my stuff, and put it in. Then I sent my compiled story to Lemmy, for him to post. Then I ate his computer. Ludwig gaped. I walked to the miniature Klown Kopter and scrap metal, and tried to make this thing I’ve been thinking about. I think I’ll call it the gun. But, my claws tore through every piece of metal. I felt bad. For the first time in my life, I started to cry. It’s not a good feeling. I felt something touching my face, and I opened my eyes. Ludwig was collecting my tears on a paper, his face shocked. Happy shocked. I stopped crying. Then I found something cool. Ludwig said so anyways. My tears turn to solid, perfect diamond when they travel three inches away from my eyes. I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s a shiny rock. So what? The Ludwig said that there are people that buy these things at a high price. Stupid people. I suppose I should add that to my list of personal oddities.
I told him to take me to his lab. He refused. I burned his bed. He agreed. I followed him and memorized his entrance code. 45893Ludwigrocks01276. Then I gaped. It was huge and complex and all that. I walked up to the newest-looking invention, while Ludwig went and started to design a pipe system that would get water to fires inside of the castle. I ate the invention I was in front of, and started to eat his lab. He turned around in time to see the schematics for his new doomship go in my mouth. He fainted. I saw something right then. A few hunks of gold metal were on one of his work desks. That’s stuff I can work. Kamek found a bunch of it after I was born. I started to heat it up, thinking of what I would make. I started to work, knocking Ludwig out every so often. While working, I tested my mental limits. By the end of the day, I made a ball for Lemmy (two thin sheets of gold metal, separated by a bunch of bouncy stuff, so he can bounce on the ball and so the ball is not to heavy), two gloves designed to help me, and the handle of a gun. I also found that I can have 2,045 conscious thoughts. I am smart! But not necessarily intelligent. I am ignorant about a lot of things. But I can put puzzles together really quickly!
Then I let Ludwig get up. “Great job! I like you!” I said to him. He fumed and I knew he was close to attacking me. A walked out with my inventions and went to my room. Then I typed this.
Private Log #12
I suppose I should keep a list of what my gloves do. They are designed around my hands and claws, and are blunt, so I don’t cut anything. Also, I have made it that my gloves have little attachments on them, like a Swiss army knife. I just need to twitch the right way and presto!
My right glove has a knife, a blowtorch, a pen, a pencil, a zapper, a fly swatter, a miniature but working Bullet Bill cannon, three sharp blades of gold metal that pop out above my knuckles, a whistle, and a rope.
My left glove has a knife, a blowtorch, a miniature but working Bullet Bill cannon, three sharp blades of gold metal that pop out above my knuckles, a grappling hook, and a miniature computer. On my wrist is the keyboard, and it sends out the screen in a hologram above the keyboard.
Private Log #13
Today I will spend the day with Lemmy. I woke later than usual today, and I ran off, taking the gloves and Lemmy’s ball with me. I ran into his room as he was preparing to leave. I said hi and gave him the ball. He asked me what it was and I said that I was going to give each Koopaling a gift, and that I had given Ludwig some diamonds, and now I was giving him this ball. He jumped with relative ease from his favorite green ball onto the ball I had giving him. He told me he liked it. Then he told me that he was going to a meeting about Ice Land. Ludwig wanted cheaper oil, and this morning he had been even more desperate than usual. I laughed and told him that I had destroyed his lab, and that he would need more oil to fix it up. Lemmy laughed, and Larry, who was in Lemmy’s closet, laughed too. Larry walked out of the closet and Lemmy didn’t get mad but laughed all the harder. I was jubilant! These were people I could relate to. I asked Larry if he would find out were Ludwig’s stash of chocolate was. Lemmy said he doesn’t know. Larry said, “Ok.” He left and Lemmy rolled to his doomship. I followed. I asked why he didn’t just talk to Ludwig in the castle. He said that he didn’t have all of the charts and graphs and stuff, and that Ludwig had already left.
The doomship took off, and I was wondering about a few things. One: If you make the ship move faster, but not the unattached segments, why do the segments move faster too? Two: Does Lemmy realize that he is not on his green ball? Three: Will Ludwig hate me for all of eternity? Four: What is the best way to not go insane? Dad went insane because he was alive and conscious for more than half of Plit’s existence.
I came up with answers. One: The segments have a transmitter-type thing that regulates the speed of the segment to match that of the whole ship. Two: Yes, he rolled up and thanked me again. Three: Probably. Four: Make cunning plans that take years but get me what I want (kill Chocolate hogs, namely Ludwig) but don’t put me in the front. Or I could sleep a lot, but the plans thing seems more fun.
I slept for the rest of the trip. When we landed, Lemmy jumped on me to wake me up. I hurled him through the door of the cabin, and then I charged him. He was nowhere near a ball, and therefore he was trampled by me. I let him up, and told him never to do that again. He protested, saying that he had tried shaking and tickling me, to no avail. He was forced to jump! I said I was sorry, and that next time, to tickle me on my head, above the topmost scale. He said okay, and that he was sorry for jumping on me. He was sorry; I had made sure of that!
We walked, or rolled, off, and I looked at the place. It was a research facility, the large sign said, and by the looks of it, we were in Pipe Land. We walked up the corridor, burning the butts of everybody who walked by and melting every security camera. It was fun.
We walked into room 146, and saw Ludwig next to a bunch of papers and files. The room was circular, and there was a circular table in the middle. Lights were everywhere, and the lone security camera above Ludwig’s head was melted. Ludwig stared at me with extreme dislike and a slight bit of fear. He’s a good actor.
“So you’re going by eldest, are you?” he asked.
“True blue,” I answered.
Lemmy and Ludwig sat down and the debate started. Ludwig started by saying that he was Lemmy’s only older brother and that he was entitled to some special treatment. Lemmy countered by saying that Ludwig was already getting special treatment, and that Pipe Land’s oil from Ice Land was extremely cheap compared to the amount Roy had to pay.
Ludwig said that he needed the oil for special machines, at which Lemmy and I started to laugh. Ludwig turned red, and sat there until we stopped.
“So you know. How many others?” asked Ludwig.
“Larry and Karma and Bowser and Clawdia,” I said, and then asked if he had a flute or other instrument around. He pulled a clarinet out of his shell and I grabbed it. My gloves were on, so the instrument suffered no damage. Yet. I started to play Beethoven’s fifth on the clarinet and managed, though it was hard, to play an undertone of Mary Had a Little Lamb.
Ludwig started to look stupified, and then I lunged! I started talking to Ludwig about the price and the affordability of oil and then I started talking in what Latin I knew and I started talking in Yoshi and Koopaish and used a lot of old sayings and really big words (I memorized the dictionary), and then Ludwig signed the paper I was writing the whole time, his face contorted in an effort to understand what I was saying. Then I started to laugh.
The paper he signed said that he would pay twice as much as Roy did for oil from Ice Land.
Lemmy and I laughed the whole way to the doomship. We laughed during takeoff and every so often there would be a few giggles on the ride back.
Ludwig was stomping on the clarinet.
"Stupid clarinet!!! How come you can play Beethoven's Fifth for him?! How can you play Beethoven's Fifth on a clarinet?!"
Then Lemmy had school. We waited for his teacher. As the Koopa arrived, I asked him what the point of animal cruelty was and what his view on the subject was.
He said animal cruelty was needed for testing harmful medicines and that he hated the whole idea.
Then I asked if he was smart.
He huffed and said that if he wasn’t, would he be teaching “Master Lemmy”?
I said that to teach you just had to be intelligent, not smart.
“What?” he said.
“Intelligence is just the know-how. How clouds stay up and all that. Smarts, that’s something else. Smarts is knowing what to do with the clouds when you’re done figuring out how they fly,” I replied.
"How would someone test for smartness?" he asked.
“Answer this riddle… I conquer all things, Kings, Mountains, Oceans and Lakes, I conquer all things, not even Death is in my wake. What am I?”
“Um… uh… Life?” he asked.
“No, Time. Here; what is up, and below, right and left and what encloses you while on Plit?”
“Um… uh… wait… er… um… ooohhh… Air!” he shouted.
He was right and the rest of the “class” was like that. Lemmy answered riddles, I answered riddles (I got them all right, go 2,045 conscious thoughts at a time!), and here are the results.
Lemmy: Reasonably smart, 68%
Teacher: Smart, 49%
Doshi: Genius!!! 100%
Then the teacher left, and I decided to leave Lemmy as he said it was time for him to start messing with his website before he took a bath, and I went to Kamek.
Kamek and I are on good terms, though I am more powerful than him, he is more knowledgeable than I. We started chatting about how the world was going down the drains and the many problems with the world when the subject of Metbonds came up. He was interested in knowing if I could destroy them. I had no clue. He filled me in on what Met bonds are, and I started to think. I said that with the right amount of time, a Metbond could be destroyed. He said that he didn’t think it was possible. I told him that I would experiment with the idea and get back to him. Then I started an earnest discussion about how magic works with the brain. Kamek and I really get along well, and we are thinking of going on vacation together for awhile.
Private Log #14
Today is Roy’s day, and I have something special planned for him. There is a volcanic island in Water Land next to Pipe Land. The island’s main volcano extends into Sky Land. Not too much, but a little bit. I am going to convince Roy to attack Wendy and takeover the island. I have a great battle plan set out.
Private Log #15
I am typing this from inside of Roy’s personal cloud, like the one Lakitus use. My plan is going beautifully. Roy smacked Wendy on the side of the head with a large spiked glove, declaring war. Roy and I immediately took off for Roy’s largest military base, set over Grass Land. We stormed the volcano at 8:00 in the morning. We took the island at 8:30 in the morning. At 1:00, Wendy managed a counterstrike. We pushed it off easily. Roy was very happy and thanked me a lot. At 7:00 at night, Wendy made another attack. She had gathered her forces, and that was a huge battle. We won. We had been gathering Roy’s forces since 6:00 in the morning. We had another division attack Shell City. Wendy was devastated. I had put a poison in the gloves' spikes, so I think she has an excuse. But it doesn’t matter. We won. In one day, we have taken this volcano and seriously devastated Water Land’s economy. Wendy is trying one more attack, and the battle is going our way. I stocked a few Lakitus with Thwomps instead of spinies. This, along with my fire breath, Roy’s pure power, and the fact that the commander of Wendy’s army is already dead (compliments of me), means that we have dominance over the battle field. It is currently 3:00 in the morning. This puts Roy in perfect position to attack both Wendy and, most importantly, Ludwig. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Private Log #16
I slept for a day, and then I went to spend today with Iggy. It was beautiful! Not for Iggy, perhaps, but I had fun! First I ambushed Iggy as he came back from the bathroom. Then I pulled off his glasses and knocked him out. Finally, I hung him upside down in his closet. Then I experimented.
I took off my gloves and started to shake my bones loose. I fell down and I started to rearrange my bones to match Iggy’s skeleton. Then I changed my skin tones to match Iggy’s. I started to mess with my innards, making it possible for me to speak and see like Iggy. I then put on Iggy’s glasses. I looked in the mirror and I was jubilant!!! I looked just like Iggy!
Then I smelled something. Fear. Lots of it. Lots of fear. A whole bunch of it. I looked in the mirror. Larry was staring at me with, well, fear. I said, “Larry, you don’t tell anyone and I promise I won’t break your bones. I’ll even get Roy off your back.”
Larry jumped when I started talking, but nodded when I was done. He was happy as well. He should be. He has something over me. But I don’t mind. I just want it to be a secret for today. But I didn’t tell Larry that.
I ran to the front gates (we were in another of Bowser's many castles) and there was Ludwig, Lemmy, and Roy. They were going to burn a Goomba village for fun. Bowser approves of that. I begged to come along, slipping a note to Lemmy as I did so. Lemmy was shocked, but managed to hide it. He knew who I was. I begged Ludwig, and Lemmy told Roy.
I was allowed to come along. Ludwig was not happy, having to drag "Iggy" around. But Lemmy was my pal, and Roy knew his place.
“Look Iggy,” said Ludwig (he didn’t know), “stay away from the Goombas and you won’t get hurt.
“I could beat you up!” I yelled, and I punched him. Ludwig went flying. And then he landed on the Goomba village we were going to. We found him destroying everything. I went right to Ludwig and punched him back to the castle. Roy and Lemmy burned the rest of the village, and I ate the villagers up. Goombas taste a little bit like paste.
When we got home, Ludwig was furious. He wanted to know how "Iggy" could beat him up. I left him after kneeing him in the gut. I went to my room and turned back into myself. I am going to add this to my personal oddities list.
Private Log #15
Today is Wendy’s day. Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
I will torture her and give her diary to Roy.
Private Log #16
Today was fun! First I kicked Wendy out of the bathroom when she wasn’t done with her makeup. Then I scratched her cheeks. Then we went to the elder council with Roy to see what Roy gets for attacking Wendy and winning. He got the whole island and Wendy has to pay him to use the island fertile ground for growing crops. Hah! Then I stole her diary and gave it to Morton. He read it out to the whole castle. I laughed a lot today. I think I’ll go laugh some more.
Private Log #17
I spent today with Morton. First I made him take me to his castle in Desert Land. Then he and I talked. Yes, Morton does let others talk. I was patient, and he and I get along well. Morton is very smart actually, and my next log shall be about what he told me. I wonder if even Larry knows these things.
Private Log #18
Private Log #19
Today I spent the day with Larry. He and I are already friends, so the day was enjoyable. He and I spent the day spying on the other Koopalings, and we started a little club. The point of the club is to gather pointless information about everybody and thing so that we can use the information to our advantage. I am thinking about letting Morton and Lemmy join. Larry wants Ludwig too, but I say NO!
Private Log #20
Overall, I think my experiment with the Koopalings is a success.
Iggy: Um… okay not a complete success, but I’m gonna go with Enemy.
Chance of outright War: 67% at this
Chance of small squabbles: 99.9% at this moment
Morton; Commando (he is able to survive most attacks and carry a lot of weight)
Lemmy: Assassin (he has a Freeze Gun and he is very good at balancing)
Roy: Shock Troop (need I explain?)
Larry: Spy (must I explain? It’s the obvious choice!)
Ludwig: Brain, mastermind, the works
Wendy: Commando (see Morton)
Iggy: Pure SLAVE!!!
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