Chapter 8: The Thousand-Minute Door
Mario: Here we are in the Palace of Shadow.
Lord Crump: What are we supposed to do now?
Mario: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I don't know, let's just randomly walk around or something.
They randomly walk around until they encounter Bullet Bill Blasters
Lord Crump: How are we supposed to dodge those?
Mario: Just jump over them.
Mario jumps over the Bullet Bill Blasters but one turns around and blasts him in midair with a Bullet Bill.
Mario: Mamamia!
Lord Crump: Mario!
Lord Crump gets out a Subspace potion and gets transported to where Mario fell.
Mario: Where are we?
Gloomtail: In my kitchen!
Lord Crump: No we're not!
Gloomtail: Yes we are!
Lord Crump: Whatever.
Mario: Hooktail! What are you doing here?!
Gloomtail: I'm not Hooktail! I'm Gloomtail, Hooktail's older brother!
Lord Crump: Did you know that Mario killed your younger sister?
Gloomtail: What?! You killed my little sister?! I will have vengeance!
Gloomtail uses his megabreath attack, which hits everything but Mario and Lord Crump.
Gloomtail: Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Gloomtail is now unconscious.
Mario: Let's get out of here!
They get out of the tower and go into a building across the river.
Lord Crump: Look at how long those stairs are!
Mario: Let's just go.
Ten hours later...
Mario: We'll get there any minute now.
Ten more hours later...
Mario: Any second now.
Ten more hours later...
Mario: We'll get there eventually.
Ten MORE hours later...
Mario: I can't take it much longer!
Mario uses his airplane ability to fly up to the top.
Lord Crump: What's this machine supposed to do?
Mario: Well let's find out!
Mario starts to whack the machine with his hammer.
Mario: Work, dang you!
Mario starts throwing the pedestals at the machine and then the machine starts working.
Lord Crump: That's more like it!
Meanwhile a door is opened outside.
Mario: Let's a go!
They go outside but the Shadow Sirens block their progress before they get to the door.
Beldam: Not so fast!
Mario: Beldam!
Beldam: That's right! I also brought my partners with me!
Marilyn and Frankly appear.
Mario: Frankly's not your partner!
Frankly: Oh contraire!
Purple mist surrounds Frankly and when it clears up Doopliss is in his place.
Lord Crump: Frankly was Doopliss in the last chapter!
Beldam: That's right!
Doopliss: You're going down, Slick!
Marilyn: Guh!
Lord Crump: I outrank you! You have to obey me!
Beldam: I see that you're teamed up with Mario!
Marilyn: Guh!
Doopliss: You know Grodus's policy! "If an evil rogue has joined the nemesis, lower ranked minions don't have to obey his/her's orders!"
Mario: How did you remember that?
Doopliss: Grodus told us to memorize it or else we would have to eat coleslaw for the rest of our lives.
Mario: That's very persuasive.
Beldam: Let's just get this over with, Freak-Sheet!
Doopliss: It's Doopliss!
Doopliss tackles Beldam and Mario and Lord Crump starts hitting her back and forth toward each other as if she was a volleyball.
Beldam: Eat this, traitor!
Beldam blows icy wind at Doopliss.
Doopliss: Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold!
Doopliss transforms into Fryguy.
Doopliss: This is more like it!
Doopliss uses his flamebreath on Beldam.
Beldam: Yowch!
Mario starts swinging Marilyn by her leg... uhhhhhh... tail... ugh... whatever it is and throws her at a Chain Chomp statue.
Marilyn: Guh!
Beldam's hat burst into flames and then her hair turns into ashes.
Beldam: Oh no!
Doopliss: Ha ha ha! You're bald!
Beldam: Shut up!
Doopliss transforms into Beldam.
Doopliss: Look at me! I'm bald!
Mario and Grodus: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Marilyn: Guh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh!
Beldam: I've got to escape the public humiliation!
Beldam drags Marilyn into the shadows.
Doopliss: Now that you saw what I did to Beldam, can I join you?
Mario: Sure! I bet you'll be really useful!
Lord Crump goes into Mario's pocket.
Lord Crump: Aw man! I just got here!
Doopliss: Let's go through that door!
They go through the door and Mario uses his airplane ability to go into the next door.
Dark Wizzerd: I must destroy puny lifeforms!
Doopliss transforms into an Elite Wizzerd.
Dark Wizzerd: Oh no! My older brother is gonna pound me again!
The Dark Wizzerd runs away and Mario and Doopliss go into the next room.
Mario: How are we supposed to get rid of those blocks?
Doopliss: Hop on top of me!
Mario hops on top of Doopliss, then Doopliss transforms into a Thwomp and smashes through the blocks.
Doopliss: That's a big gap!
Mario: I know how to get across!
Mario uses his airplane ability to get across the gap.
Mario: What are those stars on the wall supposed to do?!
Doopliss: Maybe we should memorize them.
Mario: Why would I want to memorize a couple of dumb stars on the freakin' wall?!
Doopliss: ...
Mario and Doopliss jump to the other side of the floor.
Chain Chomp: Bark! Bark!
Mario: Get out of my way, bozo.
The Chain Chomp becomes furious, frees himself from his peg, and gets Mario and Doopliss' legs tangled in his chain.
Mario and Doopliss: Help!
The Chain Chomp carries them into the next room, hops up the steps, and smashes through a block, which makes them fall into the hole.
Mario and Doopliss: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Mario and Doopliss land with a thud on the ground.
Doopiss: That hurt.
Mario: Well at least we got away from the Chain Chomp.
They carefully go through the narrow walkway and into the next room.
Mario: Oh shoot.
Doopliss: What is it?
Mario: There's another long gap and I'm tired of using my paper airplane ability.
Doopliss: I know what to do!
Doopliss turns into a jetpack, attaches himself to Mario's back, and flies off to the door.
Grodus: Well, well, well. Look who's here!
Mario: Who are you?!
Grodus: I'm Grodus, leader of the X-Nauts!
Mario: Where's Peach?!
Grodus: Don't worry, she's safe.
Doopliss: Well you're not!
Doopliss body slams into Grodus and Mario whacks Grodus with his hammer.
Grodus: Yowch! You're tougher than I thought. I guess it's time to send out the Grodus Xs.
Doopliss: The what?
Grodus: Grodus Xs! Get over here!
The Grodus Xs surround Grodus and create a shield around him.
Mario: Hey! You cheated!
Grodus: That's right!
Grodus repeatedly strikes Mario and Doopliss with his lightning bolt attacks until they faint.
Grodus: My work here is done. Grodus Xs! Surround those fools!
The Grodus Xs surround Mario and Doopliss, creating a shield around them.
At Hatesong Tower...
Luigi: This is it!
Screamy: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Torque: Shut up!
Blooey starts squeezing Screamy with his tentacles.
Jerry: Stop trying to suffocate Screamy! We've got a misson here!
Jerry rams Blooey, making him let go of Screamy. They go into Hatesong Tower and encounter the Chestnut King.
Chestnut King: It's that little twerp and his friends again!
Luigi: That's right!
Before the battle even starts Bowser crashes through the ceiling with his Clown Copter.
Luigi: Bowser!
Bowser: That's right! This time it's me who's going to beat you up!
Chestnut King: Do you mind?!
Bowser: Shut up!
Bowser roasts the Chestnut King with his flame breath and defeats him.
Bowser: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...
Luigi: Okay, everybody. You all find Princess Eclair and I'll fight Bowser.
They follow Luigi's orders and go over to where Princess Eclair is.
Kammy: Let's get ready to rumble!
Bowser tries to duck into his shell and hit Luigi but Luigi kicks Bowser's shell and sends him flying straight into the wall.
Bowser: This isn't over!
Bowser tries to roast Luigi with his flame breath but Luigi jumps into the air and onto his head.
Bowser: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Kammy!
Kammy zaps Bowser with her wand, making him grow to gigantic proportions.
Bowser: There's no way you can stop me now!
Luigi: The bigger they are...
Luigi punches Bowser in the gut, making him fall onto the ground and shrink back to his normal size.
Luigi: ...the harder they fall!
Bowser: I've been beaten!
Kammy: Let's scram and fight Mario at the Palace of Shadows!
Bowser: Okay!
Luigi: Mario?!
Bowser hops into his Clown Copter. Luigi grabs onto it, and they fly away.
At the Palace of Shadows...
Grodus: Now it's time to sacrifice Princess Peach to the Shadow Queen.
Grodus goes to the next room.
Mario: What? What are we doing in this shield and where's Grodus?
Bowser smashes through the ceiling and lands on the shield.
Bowser: Ouch! I might need to go on the treadmill more often.
Kammy: Your Chunkiness! Mario has some kind of Freak-Sheet with him!
Doopliss: It's Doopliss!
Kammy: Whatever.
Luigi: Mario!
Doopliss: Did you hear something?
Luigi lands on Kammy's head.
Bowser: It's you again!
Luigi: Who did you expect? Chuck Norris?
Mario: Luigi? What are you doing here?
Luigi: I'm here to help you kick Bowser's butt!
Kammy: Let's get ready to rumble!
Doopliss bodyslams into Kammy while Mario and Luigi are whacking Bowser with their hammers.
Bowser: I'm not going to be treated like a volleyball!
Bowser shoots fireballs at Mario, which makes him drop his hammer.
Mario: Mamamia!
Bowser starts slashing at Mario with his claws.
Luigi: Mario!
Luigi hits Bowser with his fists over and over again.
Doopliss: I'm going to defeat you, you crusty old hag!
Kammy: I'm not a hag!
Kammy waves her wand and starts shooting geometric shapes at Doopliss that he easily dodges.
Bowser: You're going down, Mario!
Mario: Not so fast!
Mario kicks Bowser in the gut, sending him flying into Kammy.
Bowser and Kammy: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
They crash through the ceiling.
Doopliss: That was short.
Mario: Aren't all of them short?
Luigi: Well I've got to be going.
Mario: Why?
Luigi: I have to check on Princess Eclair! Bye!
Luigi miraculously jumps into the sky and back to the Waffle Kingdom.
Doopliss: That was weird.
They go through the door and down a really long path of stairs.
Mario: Grodus!
Grodus: Who else do you think I am?!
All of the candles blow out and the room turns dark.
Grodus: Oh no! I'm afraid of the dark!
Doopliss: You're a sissy.
The candles illuminate and the chest opens, releasing the Shadow Queen!
Shadow Queen: I'm free! Now who released me?!
Grodus: I did!
Shadow Queen: You're lying! You must perish!
The Shadow Queen strikes Grodus with a lightning bolt, reducing him to a head.
Shadow Queen: Who's the real person who released me?!
Beldam and Marilyn rise out of the shadows.
Beldam: We did, Mistress.
Mario: Why did you call her mistress?
Beldam: She's called the Shadow Queen, isn't she?!
Shadow Queen: Very good, Beldam.
Doopliss: You know her?
Shadow Queen: No. She just looks like a Beldam to me.
Mario: Go figure.
Shadow Queen: Where is my vessel?!
Marilyn: Guh!
Shadow Queen: What did she say?
Beldam: I think she said the vessel’s right in front of you.
The Shadow Queen looks down and sees Peach on the ground.
Shadow Queen: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. There she is!
The Shadow Queen possesses Peach.
Shadow Queen: You dare oppose me?!
Mario: I didn't say anything!
Shadow Queen: Well just for that I will shroud the world in darkness!
She shrouds the world in darkness.
Everyone in the world: CURSE YOU!
Shadow Queen: You dare oppose me again?!
Mario: You're an idiot! You're all idiots!
While Mario is distracted the Shadow Queen strikes him with a lightning bolt.
Mario: Yowch!
Mario picks up Doopliss and tosses him at the Shadow Queen.
Shadow Queen: Ow! You threw a Freak-Sheet at me!
Doopliss: I'm a Duplighost and my name is Doopliss!
Shadow Queen: Whatever! You all seem more powerful than I thought... I shall transform into my regular form!
She transforms into her regular form and turns invincible.
Shadow Queen: Ha! Now I'm invincible so none of your attacks work on me!
Mario: You cheated!
Shadow Queen: No I didn't!
Mario: Yes you did, cheater!
The Crystal Stars come out of Mario's pocket, surround the Shadow Queen, and use their powers to disable the Shadow Queen's invincibility.
Shadow Queen: Uh oh…...
Mario jumps up, smacks her in the face, and pushes her back so she is sucked into the coffin again.
Doopliss: You saved the world, but how do we get Peach back?
The box spits Peach out.
Peach: Mario! You saved me!
Mario: With the help of my friends, of course.
Peach: Who cares about them?! Let's go home!
Mario: Okay! GET OUT OF MY POCKET!
All of Mario's
partners jump out of Mario's pocket and run away.
Epilogue
Mario, Peach, and Luigi went back to Toad Town; Bowser and Kammy went back to their castle to grumble and think about their next plan to destroy the Mario Bros; and everyone else was doing things so stupid that I don't even want to bother mentioning it... Okay, if you really want to hear it, here's what they did: All of Mario's partners decided to team up with Luigi's partners to go in a play called Paper Mario and Beldam; Marilyn, Flavio, Pennington, Ghost Toad, and the Koopas at the gate decided to open an idiot club; and, well, that's pretty much everything that they did.
The End
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