Paper Mario: The Thousand-Minute Door

By Koopa Kid

Chapter 8: The Thousand-Minute Door

Mario: Here we are in the Palace of Shadow.

Lord Crump: What are we supposed to do now?

Mario: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I don't know, let's just randomly walk around or something.

They randomly walk around until they encounter Bullet Bill Blasters

Lord Crump: How are we supposed to dodge those?

Mario: Just jump over them.

Mario jumps over the Bullet Bill Blasters but one turns around and blasts him in midair with a Bullet Bill.

Mario: Mamamia!

Lord Crump: Mario!

Lord Crump gets out a Subspace potion and gets transported to where Mario fell.

Mario: Where are we?

Gloomtail: In my kitchen!

Lord Crump: No we're not!

Gloomtail: Yes we are!

Lord Crump: Whatever.

Mario: Hooktail! What are you doing here?!

Gloomtail: I'm not Hooktail! I'm Gloomtail, Hooktail's older brother!

Lord Crump: Did you know that Mario killed your younger sister?

Gloomtail: What?! You killed my little sister?! I will have vengeance!

Gloomtail uses his megabreath attack, which hits everything but Mario and Lord Crump.

Gloomtail: Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Gloomtail is now unconscious.

Mario: Let's get out of here!

They get out of the tower and go into a building across the river.

Lord Crump: Look at how long those stairs are!

Mario: Let's just go.

Ten hours later...

Mario: We'll get there any minute now.

Ten more hours later...

Mario: Any second now.

Ten more hours later...

Mario: We'll get there eventually.

Ten MORE hours later...

Mario: I can't take it much longer!

Mario uses his airplane ability to fly up to the top.

Lord Crump: What's this machine supposed to do?

Mario: Well let's find out!

Mario starts to whack the machine with his hammer.

Mario: Work, dang you!

Mario starts throwing the pedestals at the machine and then the machine starts working.

Lord Crump: That's more like it!

Meanwhile a door is opened outside.

Mario: Let's a go!

They go outside but the Shadow Sirens block their progress before they get to the door.

Beldam: Not so fast!

Mario: Beldam!

Beldam: That's right! I also brought my partners with me!

Marilyn and Frankly appear.

Mario: Frankly's not your partner!

Frankly: Oh contraire!

Purple mist surrounds Frankly and when it clears up Doopliss is in his place.

Lord Crump: Frankly was Doopliss in the last chapter!

Beldam: That's right!

Doopliss: You're going down, Slick!

Marilyn: Guh!

Lord Crump: I outrank you! You have to obey me!

Beldam: I see that you're teamed up with Mario!

Marilyn: Guh!

Doopliss: You know Grodus's policy! "If an evil rogue has joined the nemesis, lower ranked minions don't have to obey his/her's orders!"

Mario: How did you remember that?

Doopliss: Grodus told us to memorize it or else we would have to eat coleslaw for the rest of our lives.

Mario: That's very persuasive.

Beldam: Let's just get this over with, Freak-Sheet!

Doopliss: It's Doopliss!

Doopliss tackles Beldam and Mario and Lord Crump starts hitting her back and forth toward each other as if she was a volleyball.

Beldam: Eat this, traitor!

Beldam blows icy wind at Doopliss.

Doopliss: Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold!

Doopliss transforms into Fryguy.

Doopliss: This is more like it!

Doopliss uses his flamebreath on Beldam.

Beldam: Yowch!

Mario starts swinging Marilyn by her leg... uhhhhhh... tail... ugh... whatever it is and throws her at a Chain Chomp statue.

Marilyn: Guh!

Beldam's hat burst into flames and then her hair turns into ashes.

Beldam: Oh no!

Doopliss: Ha ha ha! You're bald!

Beldam: Shut up!

Doopliss transforms into Beldam.

Doopliss: Look at me! I'm bald!

Mario and Grodus: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Marilyn: Guh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh!

Beldam: I've got to escape the public humiliation!

Beldam drags Marilyn into the shadows.

Doopliss: Now that you saw what I did to Beldam, can I join you?

Mario: Sure! I bet you'll be really useful!

Lord Crump goes into Mario's pocket.

Lord Crump: Aw man! I just got here!

Doopliss: Let's go through that door!

They go through the door and Mario uses his airplane ability to go into the next door.

Dark Wizzerd: I must destroy puny lifeforms!

Doopliss transforms into an Elite Wizzerd.

Dark Wizzerd: Oh no! My older brother is gonna pound me again!

The Dark Wizzerd runs away and Mario and Doopliss go into the next room.

Mario: How are we supposed to get rid of those blocks?

Doopliss: Hop on top of me!

Mario hops on top of Doopliss, then Doopliss transforms into a Thwomp and smashes through the blocks.

Doopliss: That's a big gap!

Mario: I know how to get across!

Mario uses his airplane ability to get across the gap.

Mario: What are those stars on the wall supposed to do?!

Doopliss: Maybe we should memorize them.

Mario: Why would I want to memorize a couple of dumb stars on the freakin' wall?!

Doopliss: ...

Mario and Doopliss jump to the other side of the floor.

Chain Chomp: Bark! Bark!

Mario: Get out of my way, bozo.

The Chain Chomp becomes furious, frees himself from his peg, and gets Mario and Doopliss' legs tangled in his chain.

Mario and Doopliss: Help!

The Chain Chomp carries them into the next room, hops up the steps, and smashes through a block, which makes them fall into the hole.

Mario and Doopliss: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mario and Doopliss land with a thud on the ground.

Doopiss: That hurt.

Mario: Well at least we got away from the Chain Chomp.

They carefully go through the narrow walkway and into the next room.

Mario: Oh shoot.

Doopliss: What is it?

Mario: There's another long gap and I'm tired of using my paper airplane ability.

Doopliss: I know what to do!

Doopliss turns into a jetpack, attaches himself to Mario's back, and flies off to the door.

Grodus: Well, well, well. Look who's here!

Mario: Who are you?!

Grodus: I'm Grodus, leader of the X-Nauts!

Mario: Where's Peach?!

Grodus: Don't worry, she's safe.

Doopliss: Well you're not!

Doopliss body slams into Grodus and Mario whacks Grodus with his hammer.

Grodus: Yowch! You're tougher than I thought. I guess it's time to send out the Grodus Xs.

Doopliss: The what?

Grodus: Grodus Xs! Get over here!

The Grodus Xs surround Grodus and create a shield around him.

Mario: Hey! You cheated!

Grodus: That's right!

Grodus repeatedly strikes Mario and Doopliss with his lightning bolt attacks until they faint.

Grodus: My work here is done. Grodus Xs! Surround those fools!

The Grodus Xs surround Mario and Doopliss, creating a shield around them.

At Hatesong Tower...

Luigi: This is it!

Screamy: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Torque: Shut up!

Blooey starts squeezing Screamy with his tentacles.

Jerry: Stop trying to suffocate Screamy! We've got a misson here!

Jerry rams Blooey, making him let go of Screamy. They go into Hatesong Tower and encounter the Chestnut King.

Chestnut King: It's that little twerp and his friends again!

Luigi: That's right!

Before the battle even starts Bowser crashes through the ceiling with his Clown Copter.

Luigi: Bowser!

Bowser: That's right! This time it's me who's going to beat you up!

Chestnut King: Do you mind?!

Bowser: Shut up!

Bowser roasts the Chestnut King with his flame breath and defeats him.

Bowser: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

Luigi: Okay, everybody. You all find Princess Eclair and I'll fight Bowser.

They follow Luigi's orders and go over to where Princess Eclair is.

Kammy: Let's get ready to rumble!

Bowser tries to duck into his shell and hit Luigi but Luigi kicks Bowser's shell and sends him flying straight into the wall.

Bowser: This isn't over!

Bowser tries to roast Luigi with his flame breath but Luigi jumps into the air and onto his head.

Bowser: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Kammy!

Kammy zaps Bowser with her wand, making him grow to gigantic proportions.

Bowser: There's no way you can stop me now!

Luigi: The bigger they are...

Luigi punches Bowser in the gut, making him fall onto the ground and shrink back to his normal size.

Luigi: ...the harder they fall!

Bowser: I've been beaten!

Kammy: Let's scram and fight Mario at the Palace of Shadows!

Bowser: Okay!

Luigi: Mario?!

Bowser hops into his Clown Copter. Luigi grabs onto it, and they fly away.

At the Palace of Shadows...

Grodus: Now it's time to sacrifice Princess Peach to the Shadow Queen.

Grodus goes to the next room.

Mario: What? What are we doing in this shield and where's Grodus?

Bowser smashes through the ceiling and lands on the shield.

Bowser: Ouch! I might need to go on the treadmill more often.

Kammy: Your Chunkiness! Mario has some kind of Freak-Sheet with him!

Doopliss: It's Doopliss!

Kammy: Whatever.

Luigi: Mario!

Doopliss: Did you hear something?

Luigi lands on Kammy's head.

Bowser: It's you again!

Luigi: Who did you expect? Chuck Norris?

Mario: Luigi? What are you doing here?

Luigi: I'm here to help you kick Bowser's butt!

Kammy: Let's get ready to rumble!

Doopliss bodyslams into Kammy while Mario and Luigi are whacking Bowser with their hammers.

Bowser: I'm not going to be treated like a volleyball!

Bowser shoots fireballs at Mario, which makes him drop his hammer.

Mario: Mamamia!

Bowser starts slashing at Mario with his claws.

Luigi: Mario!

Luigi hits Bowser with his fists over and over again.

Doopliss: I'm going to defeat you, you crusty old hag!

Kammy: I'm not a hag!

Kammy waves her wand and starts shooting geometric shapes at Doopliss that he easily dodges.

Bowser: You're going down, Mario!

Mario: Not so fast!

Mario kicks Bowser in the gut, sending him flying into Kammy.

Bowser and Kammy: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

They crash through the ceiling.

Doopliss: That was short.

Mario: Aren't all of them short?

Luigi: Well I've got to be going.

Mario: Why?

Luigi: I have to check on Princess Eclair! Bye!

Luigi miraculously jumps into the sky and back to the Waffle Kingdom.

Doopliss: That was weird.

They go through the door and down a really long path of stairs.

Mario: Grodus!

Grodus: Who else do you think I am?!

All of the candles blow out and the room turns dark.

Grodus: Oh no! I'm afraid of the dark!

Doopliss: You're a sissy.

The candles illuminate and the chest opens, releasing the Shadow Queen!

Shadow Queen: I'm free! Now who released me?!

Grodus: I did!

Shadow Queen: You're lying! You must perish!

The Shadow Queen strikes Grodus with a lightning bolt, reducing him to a head.

Shadow Queen: Who's the real person who released me?!

Beldam and Marilyn rise out of the shadows.

Beldam: We did, Mistress.

Mario: Why did you call her mistress?

Beldam: She's called the Shadow Queen, isn't she?!

Shadow Queen: Very good, Beldam.

Doopliss: You know her?

Shadow Queen: No. She just looks like a Beldam to me.

Mario: Go figure.

Shadow Queen: Where is my vessel?!

Marilyn: Guh!

Shadow Queen: What did she say?

Beldam: I think she said the vessel’s right in front of you.

The Shadow Queen looks down and sees Peach on the ground.

Shadow Queen: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. There she is!

The Shadow Queen possesses Peach.

Shadow Queen: You dare oppose me?!

Mario: I didn't say anything!

Shadow Queen: Well just for that I will shroud the world in darkness!

She shrouds the world in darkness.

Everyone in the world: CURSE YOU!

Shadow Queen: You dare oppose me again?!

Mario: You're an idiot! You're all idiots!

While Mario is distracted the Shadow Queen strikes him with a lightning bolt.

Mario: Yowch!

Mario picks up Doopliss and tosses him at the Shadow Queen.

Shadow Queen: Ow! You threw a Freak-Sheet at me!

Doopliss: I'm a Duplighost and my name is Doopliss!

Shadow Queen: Whatever! You all seem more powerful than I thought...  I shall transform into my regular form!

She transforms into her regular form and turns invincible.

Shadow Queen: Ha! Now I'm invincible so none of your attacks work on me!

Mario: You cheated!

Shadow Queen: No I didn't!

Mario: Yes you did, cheater!

The Crystal Stars come out of Mario's pocket, surround the Shadow Queen, and use their powers to disable the Shadow Queen's invincibility.

Shadow Queen: Uh oh…...

Mario jumps up, smacks her in the face, and pushes her back so she is sucked into the coffin again.

Doopliss: You saved the world, but how do we get Peach back?

The box spits Peach out.

Peach: Mario! You saved me!

Mario: With the help of my friends, of course.

Peach: Who cares about them?! Let's go home!


All of Mario's partners jump out of Mario's pocket and run away.


Mario, Peach, and Luigi went back to Toad Town; Bowser and Kammy went back to their castle to grumble and think about their next plan to destroy the Mario Bros; and everyone else was doing things so stupid that I don't even want to bother mentioning it... Okay, if you really want to hear it, here's what they did: All of Mario's partners decided to team up with Luigi's partners to go in a play called Paper Mario and Beldam; Marilyn, Flavio, Pennington, Ghost Toad, and the Koopas at the gate decided to open an idiot club; and, well, that's pretty much everything that they did.

The End

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