Maguskoopa: Welcome, one and all, to this amazing tournament event! I bring you the astonishing, hilarious, original competition, Once and For All! Our seven teams, led by Koopalings, will try to beat each other for the grand prize of total ownership of the Koopa Kingdom when Bowser leaves the throne, along with 987,654,321 coins! Here’s why.
FLASH!
About a month earlier…
Bowser: After that “Paper Incident” a couple of days ago, I think I’d like to choose who will be my heir.
Ludwig: Father, I thought I was your heir!
Bowser: Well, actually, it’s an ancient ritual of the Koopa Clan to select a king’s (or queen’s) heir through intense competition!
All Koopalings: O_O
Roy: I’ll POUND anyone in my way!
Iggy: I know a book about the dark arts…
Lemmy: Everyone will be frozen in suspense!
Ludwig: AAAAAAAAAGHHH!!! THAT BANTER! NONE OF YOU ARE FIT TO BE KING!!!
Wendy: Right. Maybe we should have a queen for a change.
Larry: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Morton: IthinkitwillbemebecauseIhateweddingcakeIlikecheesecakebutthatstubidTECstoleallmy
cheesecakeblahblahblah…
Bowser: QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!
Total silence.
Bowser: I’ve arranged a competition organizer to host a tournament. He says you’ll be part of a “team”…
All Koopalings: PLEASE DON’T TELL US IT’S CRAZY PACKERS FAN!!
Bowser: Naaaaah, he was booked. I got Maguskoopa instead!
BACK!
Maguskoopa: So, that’s the story! Let’s look at our teams! Each team is led by a Koopaling, and consists of one enemy from an RPG, one Portrait Ghost from Luigi’s Mansion, and one boss that could NOT be a final boss.
Roy: That’s a stupid rule!
Maguskoopa: Let’s see our teams…
TEAM LARRY
Captain: Larry
RPG: Crazee Dayzee
Ghost: Jarvis
Boss: Sunnycide
TEAM MORTON
Captain: Morton
RPG: Pokey
Ghost: Mr. Luggs
Boss: Tutankoopa
TEAM WENDY
Captain: Wendy
RPG: Starkiss
Ghost: Miss Petunia
Boss: Hermie III
TEAM IGGY
Captain: Iggy
RPG: Duplighost (normal kind)
Ghost: Madame Clairvoya
Boss: Manta Storm
TEAM ROY
Captain: Roy
RPG: Iron Cleft
Ghost: Biff Atlas
Boss: Rawk Hawk
TEAM LEMMY
Captain: Lemmy
RPG: Glurp
Ghost: Sir Weston
Boss: Crystal King
TEAM LUDWIG
Captain: Ludwig
RPG: Dr. Shroob
Ghost: Melody
Boss: Fawful
Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY! FAWFUL! AND POKEY!
Maguskoopa: Yeeeah. Okay! Let’s get on with this first event! The event is…
Everyone: GASP!
Maguskoopa: Robot battling! The teams will be split up into groups of two. One group will design and construct the robot. The other two will power it and control it so it destroys the rest! Oh yeah, these robots are like something you’d see in Custom Robo and Power Rangers… They should be huge, not remote-controlled! Let’s start the construction phase!
TEAM LARRY
Larry: I think that Jarvis and I should construct the robot.
Sunnycide: RRRAAAAAAAAARRRR!!!
Crazee Dayzee: Sounds good, man! Peace out!
Jarvis: Okay, I think the best bet is a solid defense. Since Roy will probably go all out on offense, we should probably defend ourselves against him!
TEAM ROY
Roy: So, Iron Cleft and Rawk Hawk will construct the robot, and me and Biff will pilot it?
Everyone on Team Roy: AYE!
Rawk Hawk: I know! Let’s build a RAWWWWWWWWWWKIN powerful machine that’ll RAWK everyone else!
Iron Cleft: Isn’t that kind of…
Rawk Hawk: Great! I’m glad you agree.
Iron Cleft: Predictable?
TEAM LEMMY
Lemmy: Glurp and Sir Weston will construct the machine. Crystal King and I will pilot it. Okay?
Sir Weston: Jolly good!
Glurp: Glurp. Glurp glurp, glurpy glurp glurp!
Crystal King: Do you know what he just said?
Lemmy: Roughly translated, Glurp is asking about 128-bit encoding hack specifications.
Glurp: Gluuuuuuuuurp!!!
Lemmy: My bad. He meant 356-bit.
TEAM IGGY
Iggy: Oy… Roy will crush me… I’m going to con-
Madame Clairvoya: Duplighost and I will construct it.
Iggy: WHY ME?!
TEAM LUDWIG
Ludwig: Maguskoopa said to “power” the machine… I think that means we need a power source… I KNOW! Melody and Fawful will pilot the machine.
Fawful: The french fries of mystery have the ketchup of your genius on them!
Melody: Huh? What’d he say?
Ludwig: You’ll get used to it.
TEAM WENDY
Starkiss: Wendy and I will construct the robot. Hermie and Miss Petunia, show them the power of our hearts!
Hermie: THANTA CLAUTH!
TEAM MORTON
Morton: AndthatiswhyIthinkthatmrluggsandtutankoopashouldpilothemachineandwhyIhatewedding
cakeandblahblahblah…
Tutankoopa: ALL RIGHT! UNCLE! UNCLE!
Three hours later…
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNK!
Maguskoopa: End the generation phase!
Everyone gets positioned in their robots.
Maguskoopa: Let’s review our robots!
TEAM LARRY
Powered by: Crazee Dayzee blowing bubbles
Controlled by: Sunnycide
Weaponry: Spinning blades, a giant
mechanical Piranha Plant head, “Yoshi” tongue
TEAM MORTON
Powered by: Mr. Luggs blowing fire
Controlled by: Tutankoopa
Weaponry: Fire blasts, missiles, Chain
Chomps
TEAM WENDY
Powered by: Miss Petunia shooting water
Controlled by: Hermie III
Weaponry: Acid bubbles, hydro cannon,
land mines
TEAM IGGY
Powered by: Manta Storm powering a
turbine
Controlled by: A reluctant Iggy
Weaponry: Various missiles, giant vacuum,
“Boo-a-lyzing” device
TEAM ROY
Powered by: Biff Atlas punching a force-powered
generator
Controlled by: Roy
Weaponry: Eye beams, brass knuckles,
huge machine gun
TEAM LEMMY
Powered by: Crystal King spinning his
Crystal Bits around in a centrifugal generator
Controlled by: Lemmy
Weaponry: Freeze ray, giant boomerang,
ice shield
TEAM LUDWIG
Powered by: Melody playing a steam
organ
Controlled by: Fawful
Weaponry: Humongous laser, homing missiles,
Shroob-omb (last resort)
Maguskoopa: I’m sure you’re all bored by now right? Well, it’s time to unveil all of our competitors!
The giant robots come out of seven hatches in the arena and arrange themselves in a circle.
Maguskoopa: Nice. The battles will be free-for-alls with all seven Koopaling teams against each other. In the first round, the match will end when three robots have been defeated.
Heckler: HA! That’s incredibly stupid!
The heckler is flattened by a convenient Thwomp.
Maguskoopa: Now, then… LET’S GET READY TO… BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE*wheeze*!
Roy: Prepare for a pounding, wimp!
Iggy: ACK!
WHAM! WHAM! WHAMWHAMWHAMAWAMWAM!
Iggy: Dang it! Hey…
Iggy’s robot suddenly turns transparent and Roy’s punches go right through it.
Roy: What?!
In the stands…
Madame Clairvoya: I predicted this would happen. That’s why I installed the Boo-a-Lyzer!
Roy: DANG IT! WHY CAN’T I HIT YOU?!
Iggy: HAHA! I’M FINALLY FREE!
Suddenly, the robot reverts back to normal.
Duplighost: Did you remember to tell him that the Boo-a-Lyzer lasts only ten seconds before recharging?
Madame Clairvoya: I put a PSP battery in it. I’m sure Iggy figured it out.
Iggy: GAH! PLAYSTATION STRIKES AGAIN! Wait. What the…?
The camera zooms out to reveal that both of Roy’s robot’s arms had punched Iggy’s robot the instant before it reverted to normal, causing them to stick in Iggy’s robot.
Iggy: It’s called “karma”, Roy. And you’re getting a ton of it right back atcha!
Roy: Uh oh… Activate eye beams!
FZOW! The eye beams cause a small amount of damage to Iggy’s robot.
Iggy: Nice try… wimp. Activate missles!!!
KA-BOOOMBOOOMBOOMBOMBOMBOMBOMBOMBOMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Roy’s robot explodes into millions of tiny pieces due to Iggy's missiles, sending Roy into the stands.
Maguskoopa: Roy is defeated!
Iggy: I… beat… Roy?!
Maguskoopa: What did I just say? Are you deaf?!
Iggy: I BEAT ROY! YAHOOO!!! I’M INVINCEEBLE!!!
Iggy’s victory dance is cut short by Ludwig’s humongous laser beam. The robot appears to be destroyed, but, in fact, the Boo-A-Lyzer had just been recharged.
Madame Clairvoya: Hehehe! I love prophecy!
Meanwhile…
Morton: HAHAHA! Your robot looks like a jar!
Larry: Well, it isn’t MY fault. Take this!
Larry’s jar extends a sticky “tongue” and drags Morton’s robot in. Razor blades start slashing at the bot.
Jarvis: What do you mean, “fault”?! The jar is the perfect shape!
Tutankoopa: Hey! That’s unfair. Grr…
Morton’s robot starts shooting fire at Larry’s robotic jar. It seems like an even match until…
Crystal King: Lemmy! Pull TEH SWITCHZORZ!
Lemmy pulls the lever marked “SWITCHZORZ”, and…
Tutankoopa: Time to fry! Wait… An incoming message?
Message: Iiiiiiiit’s a small world, after all, iiiiiiiit’s a small world…
Tutankoopa: AAAAAAGGHHHHH!!! PULL TEH SOCKZORZ!
Tutankoopa pulls a sock marked “TEH SOCKZORZ: self destruct. Have a nice day!”
Larry: YOU IDIOT! YOU’RE TOO CLOSE! YOU’RE GONNA BLOW US BOTH-
BOOM!
Maguskoopa: Morton’s team and Larry’s team are both out! Wendy’s, Iggy’s, Lemmy’s, and Ludwig’s team move on to the semi-finals! But first, let’s have an intermission so I can call an ambulance for the losers.
WE WILL NOW HAVE A WHOPPINGLY LONG INTERMISSION.
Maguskoopa: Welcome back! I’d like to explain how the point system works in this contest. Points are awarded every round like this:
Seventh place: 1 point
Sixth place: 2 points
Fifth place: 3 points
Fourth place: 4 points
Third place: 5 points
Second place: 6 points
First place: 7 points
Maguskoopa: The points are totaled up after each round, and at the end of the contest, the player with the most points wins! Now, let’s start the semi-finals! Again, all four robots will fight a battle royale until two are elimanated, not three, because then only one would be left. Let’s start the battle!
BATTLE BEGIN
Hermie III: I gueth I’ll jutht stay out of the way again. Thith way, I’ll get out of the way until the finalth!
Iggy: Not this time, hombre! Activate vacuum!
A huge vacuum comes out of Iggy’s robot’s head and starts inhaling Wendy’s robot, but Roy charges onto the field.
Roy: I’m not getting out of dodge until I avenge what happened to me! MACH TORNADO PUNCH!
FWOOOOOOOOO… KA-POW! Roy punches a hole in Iggy’s robot, but unfortunately hits the power tank.
Manta Storm: …!
A tiny manta breaks off from Manta Storm and sticks to Roy’s tongue.
Roy: BLAGIDIBLAGIDIBLAGIDIBLAAAAAAAAG! I thought it was-BLAGIDI-funny when it-BLAGIDI-happened to King-BLAGIDI-Boo!
Roy runs around the field, screaming with pain, and smashes into Lemmy’s robot. The power system is irreparibly damaged, and the robot is unable to continue.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Maguskoopa: Okay, okay!
KABOOM! Lemmy’s robot explodes for no reason, propelling Lemmy, Crystal King, Roy, and pieces of pie (?!) into the audience. An ambulance appears out of thin air and picks up Lemmy and Roy. Crystal King heals himself.
Hermie III: Well, if I can’t run, then I’ll hide!
Iggy: Hey, that’s the first sentence I’ve heard from you that didn’t have a lisp in it!
Hermie III: DON’T MAKE FUN OF MY LITHHHHHHHHHP! ACTIVATE THE LAND MINETH!
TCHOO! TCHOO! TCHOO! Wendy’s robot shoots land mines around Iggy’s robot.
Iggy: Dang! The Boo-A-Lyzer isn’t done recharging. I’ll have to wait.
Fawful: Not on my watch! I HAVE FURY!
VREEEeeee… FZOW! Fawful shoots a gigantic laser that knocks Iggy’s robot face-forward into the land mines. The robot explodes, but Iggy and Manta Storm are protected by a titanium capsule.
Madam Clairvoya: Ha! I knew this would happen!
Smorg: SMORG! SMORG! SMORG!!!
Madam Clairvoya: No, it was not your idea!
Maguskoopa: The semi-finals have ended! Ludwig’s team and Wendy’s team are moving on to the finals.
Ludwig: Wendy, although neither of us are competing, I wish you the best of luck.
Wendy: Huh! More for me!
Maguskoopa: But first, the pilot of each team’s robot will choose one special item. The item will latch on to the robot and may come in handy during the final round. While the contestants do this, let’s take a short break.
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Emerald Nuts? Don’t like ‘em? Try Ruby
Cashews!
Chargin' Chuck: FOR THE SWARM!
OH SWEET DAIRY QUEEN!
======================================================
Maguskoopa: Let the final round… COMMENCE!
Fawful: Witness with marinaded buttery awe as I, Fawful, spread the jam of defeat over the English muffin of your team! I HAVE FURY!
Fawful hits a button that says “Extra Crispy”. In Wendy’s robot…
Hermie III: ACKKTHTHHHHHH! THE HEATING THYTHTEM’TH BEEN HACKED INTO!
The temperature within the robot escalates to 132.040404 degrees Celcius. Hermie begins looking a little cooked.
Hermie: Not apprethiated! Wait…
Wendy’s robot suddenly shoots a huge water blast, which cleverly reflects off of Ludwig’s robot for some reason and cools down Hermie.
Hermie: HA!
Fawful: No… how could I, Fawful, master of the crunchy onion rings of explosives, drop my plate upon the floor? FINK-RAT! I WOULD HAVE SPARED YOUR LIFE, BUT THE TARTAR SAUCE OF YOUR INSOLENCE HAS BEEN PLACED ON THE FISH OF MY FURY! FEEL MY FINAL FURY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
CHUNK!
Audience: O-o
Maguskoopa: Oh sweet dairy queen.
Wendy: SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB-OMMMMMMMB!
KABOOM!
Fawful is shot over the horizon. Melody stays in the same place because she’s a ghost. As for Wendy’s robot...
Hermie III: HA! They all laughed when I perthithtently thaid that I wanted a Boo-A-Lyther, but WHO’TH LAUGHING NOW?!
The camera cuts to Maguskoopa, who is hiding under a desk with the rest of the audience. The desk is the only thing of the ENTIRE stadium that isn’t a smoking mess.
Maguskoopa: Team Wendy wins! Congratulations! Let’s show everyone the standings after Round 1!
Standings:
1: Team Wendy
2: Team Ludwig
3: Team Iggy
4: Team Lemmy
5: Team Larry
6: Team Morton
7: Team Roy
Maguskoopa: So, the point totals are:
1. Team Wendy-7 points
2. Team Ludwig- 6 points
3. Team Iggy- 5 points
4. Team Lemmy- 4 points
5. Team Larry- 3 points
6. Team Morton- 2 points
7. Team Roy- 1 point
Maguskoopa: Join us next time for the next round of…
ONCE AND FOR ALL!