Chapter Four: I don’t like museums, they smell like old kitties!
The Multiple Mario Bros. arrive in the castle, in the present. As usual they head for E. Gadd. They see him playing some kind of strange dancing game.
E. Gadd: Yes! Left, right, UP! JUMP!
He dashes from arrow to arrow while retro music plays from his “scientific” equipment.
Luigi: Uh… E. Gadd?
He jumps and quickly turns his machine off.
E. Gadd: Ah! Oh… it’s you. What do you want? I’m very busy!
Luigi: Yes… I can… see that. Well, we got the Shards back-
E. Gadd: So you’re where you would be if you never lost them in the first place?
Luigi: Uh… yes.
E. Gadd: Good show!
Luigi: Yeah…
Mario: WHEE!
Mario pulls out the poorly drawn picture that Toadbert made. E. Gadd takes a good, long, quick look at it.
E. Gadd: I have no clue what this is supposed to be a drawing of, but it must be important so hold on to it!
Luigi: Why is it important?
E. Gadd: I don’t know. QUICKLY! To the Toadsworths!
Luigi: What? Why?
E. Gadd: GO!
Mario: Okeydokey!
Mario grabs Luigi and drags him and the babies to the front of the castle. There they see Youthful Toadsworth and Toadsworth trying to entertain the princess. They curl around each other, grabbing the other's feet, and then rapidly roll around. Although impossible, the princess seems to enjoy it. After hitting a wall they let go of each other.
Luigi: Wow… uh… That’s like… impossible.
Youthful Toadsworth: And it is important to your quest that you do it!
Luigi: How?
Baby Mario nods his head, as if in agreement with Luigi.
Toadsworth: It makes it easier to go up stairs real fast!
Luigi: How? Wouldn’t that make it HARDER to go up stairs?
Youthful Toadsworth: What do you mean?
Luigi: Well, if you are in a circular form, then you roll. And rolling objects quickly lose momentum when traveling up.
Toadsworth: Uh…
The princess starts crying.
Youthful Toadsworth: ACK! The logic frightens her! Make them go away!
Toadsworth: LEAVE! You awful, awful people!
Luigi: What? What’d I do?
Mario and Baby Luigi glare at Luigi.
Luigi: Whatever.
They go back inside the castle. They wander a bit until they see a cloaked figure descend through a hidden door in the floor.
Luigi: Who was that?!
Luigi takes a step forward but Mario holds him back. Baby Luigi grabs Baby Mario and throws him off Mario. Baby Luigi then jumps off, and practically carries Baby Mario through the small trapdoor.
Luigi: What are you, crazy
Mario: Okeydokey!
Baby Luigi drags Baby Mario through an intricate system of sewers underneath the castle. After a little bit of traveling they come to what seems to be a shop… and running it is… Fawful?!
Fawful: Welcome to my beany layer, Micro Red and Green!
Baby Mario: Eh?
Fawful: Ah! You want to know why I calls it that JAM? Well... This is where the MUSTARDY Fawful sells mystical sandwiches… Fawful means badges in exchange for ordinary Beans!
Baby Luigi: Oooh...
Fawful: Yes… Complete waste of badges but… well they ARE Beans!
Baby Mario: Eh?
Fawful: Ah! You want to hear my life story?!
Baby Luigi: Keydoke!
Fawful: Well… Many uh… days and/or weeks ago… Jammy Fawful worked with… a thing… person. CHEESE! And Fawful… failed in blasting naughty bros of RED and GREEN! Oh the Gerbil-Hamsters! Wait… Micro babies… RED and GREEN you wear… Could you have… shopped at the same store?!
Baby Luigi shake his head no.
Fawful: Oh… Micro babies… leave.
He dejectedly falls into a jar of Beans and shoves them in his ears. The Babies cautiously edge away before running like… well babies. They reach their older selves. Mario is pinning Luigi onto the ground and slapping Luigi with his own hat. Upon seeing the babies he stops and lets Luigi up. The babies get on their respective rides and the Bros. head off, with Luigi grumbling about being abused. Eventually they find a tall tower. Seeing locked doors at the top, a floating block, and several stairs leading there, Luigi comes to the obvious conclusion.
Luigi: How does that block float?!
Okay… obvious but not a conclusion.
Luigi: Well… according to the INSANE logic used in our adventures, hitting that block will cause a timer to start and open the doors. We would then have to run like super fast to reach it before it closed. Well too bad-
Mario: OKEYDOKEY!
Mario hits the switch and runs off. Luigi walks slowly behind.
Luigi: I don’t want to run.
Mario quickly reaches the top. 45.7864 seconds later Luigi reaches the top, with Baby Luigi having smacked him the whole way. Together they go through the door and the timer goes off shortly after, closing it behind them.
Luigi: That was strangely convenient how it didn’t close until right AFTER I went through the door.
Mario: Okeydokey!
They head into the next area and see the classic Time Hole. Seeing nothing else to do, they just jump on in. They pop out somewhere in a desert. After taking a minute to collect their bearings (which Mario dropped all over the place) they walk forward to explore the area that they’ve never seen before… Soon they come across a huge building. Luigi is about to go in when Mario grabshis hand and carries him deeper into the desert.
Luigi: But I think we’re supposed to go into the building-
Kylie Koopa pops out of the sand like… uh… a poppy sand… kitty… yeah.
Kylie: HI!
Luigi: Wha?! Where’d you come from?
Kylie: From underground, silly! Weren’t you paying attention?
Luigi: Well duh, from underground… How long were you under there?
Kylie: 26!
Luigi: 26 what? Hours… minutes… days?
Kylie: Yes!
Luigi: Yes to which one?
Kylie: The one you said!
Luigi: But I said three- Oh forget it. What do you want?
Kylie: To tell you that the Shroobs have taken over the Koopaseum!
Luigi: What’s that?
Kylie: *sigh* It’s that BIG building you guys just ran past.
Luigi: Oh… How come I never heard of it… and HEY! How’d you know we just ran past it? You were under the ground!
Kylie: Journalist instincts.
Luigi: That doesn’t answer my question.
Kylie: It answers mine!
Luigi: You didn’t ask a question!
Kylie: Maybe not to you…
Luigi: Fine! You
are a crazy journalist and the big, bad Shroobs have taken over the Koopaseum
which I
have NEVER heard
of before… Anything else?
Kylie: Oh… well both Princess Shroob and Princess Peach are there as well.
Luigi: WHAT?
Kylie: Bye now!
She tunnels away somehow.
Luigi: Great. Now we have to infiltrate the-
Mario charges for the front doors and breaks in.
Luigi: Or we could rush blindly in. Whatever makes YOU happy.
Baby Luigi: AH!
Baby Luigi kicks Luigi.
Luigi: Fine! I’m going! Sheesh.
Luigi goes inside the museum. Mario has already dispatched the four Shroobs inside, with the aid of Baby Mario as a thrown projectile. Mario scoops up the bruised baby and prepares to go into the next area when Luigi catches up.
Luigi: Jerk, using a baby as a weapon.
Mario: Woohoo!
Luigi: Whatever, let’s just grab the princess and beat the… uh… other princess.
Before they can go on, however, three… interesting characters burst in from the open door to the desert: a strange, green Shroob in diving clothes (a Shrooba-Diver), a Bob-omb, and a Pokey.
Luigi: What?
Shrooba-Diver: *%*^%*&^$%@$*T%!
Bob-omb: What my Shrooba-Diving friend here is trying to say is that you cannot continue.
Luigi: Aren’t we in a desert?
Bob-omb: Yes…
Luigi: So what? Does he dive in the sand? Is that even physically possible?
Bob-omb: Uh… The LOGIC HURTS MY BRAIN! EXPLOSION!
Shrooba-Diver: *^&%^(^^*%*(^*%^*(^*(%!
The Bob-omb runs over and explodes on the Shroob. They both disappear.
Luigi: Wow.
The Pokey freaks out and starts sending spiky needles all over the place. One grazes Luigi, before he and Mario dash inside the next room and close the door.
Luigi: Well at least there was one enemy that didn’t kill itself.
Mario: OKEYDOKEY!
They walk a bit through the extraordinarily poorly guarded Shroob-occupied museum. They see a series of locked doors with small windows in them. The Bros. walk up and look in the windows.
Luigi: WOAH!
There is a humongous arena fully filled with hundreds of Shroobs all surrounding a central platform. On that platform with four Shroobs is a taller Shroob in a regal garb.
Luigi: That must be Princess Shroob!
Apparently hearing Luigi, the Shroobs near the doors on the other side open them.
Shroob: *&^(^^(^*^(%(^%(&?
The alien fiend is apparently asking the Mario Bros. a question.
Luigi: Crud… I’ll have to wing it. Of course I have tickets! How could I miss the uh… whatever this is?
Shroob: **^&&^(^(^^(*&(&.
It appears to accept that and lets them through.
Luigi: Wow… uh… not to bright, are they?
Mario: OH NOOOOOOO!
They start heading down the small aisle leading to the center stage. Meanwhile Princess Shroob is giving some kind of speech.
Princess Shroob: *^*&^%&%&(%&^*%*^*!
Luigi: What kind of stuff does this museum… uh… have? I haven’t seen anything even remotely like a museum.
Princess Shroob: *^*&^*%(^$(^T*%^(^^!
She waves her hands around wildly and a bound and gagged Princess Peach dangles from the ceiling by a rope.
Luigi: Agh! The princess! This could be it! Our adventure could be over RIGHT here. We just rescue the princess and beat up the uh… other [rincess and we can go on home!
The Mario Bros. hurry through the tightly packed aisle… as in their excitement Shroobs have started crowding in that area. Princess Shroob claps her hands and suddenly burying up into the center platform as it was sand and NOT well uh… maybe that stuff is sand… well anyways Petey Piranha pops up.
Luigi: What’s HE doing here?!
The rope that holds Peach is cut and she falls right into Petey’s mouth. He snaps his mouth closed and burrows back under the sand.
Luigi: SHOOT! Oh well… According to the logic of our adventures she’s probably unharmed and we just need to go rescue her.
Princess Shroob: *&^*^*&%%*%?
Apparently the princess has noticed the Mario Bros. She calls for the Shroobs to let them through. They open up a path and they quickly reach the center platform by jumping up onto it.
Luigi: Give us the princess!
Princess Shroob: *eerie alien laugh*
The other Shroobs join in with her disturbingly high-pitched laugh with equally creepy chortles, cackles, and yes, some maniacal giggling as well.
Luigi: Please? I really want to go-
Mario shoots off several fireballs into the crowd. Several Shroobs catch on fire. Immediately all the Shroobs stop laughing and some try to put out their flaming brethren. The princess makes several strange hand motions and a large, blue Shroob creature with puffed up lips drops from the ceiling. (It’s a Shrooboid Brat.)
Luigi: Where do all these ceiling things come from?!
Princess Shroob gestures at the Mario Bros. and then she and her entourage back off. The Shrooboid Brat advances menacingly.
Luigi: Why is there always fighting?!
It pulls out several large lollipops from its mouth.
Luigi: What the?
he Shrooboid Brat then faces the crowd and raises its tiny arms. The Shroobs in the crowd hold up several signs. Some are red and have an M, while others are green and have an L. There are considerably more L’s then M’s.
Luigi: What is this? Some kind of twisted popularity contest? I guess I’m more popular then you, Mario! Probably the looks… You are a little pudgy-
Mario smacks Luigi. The Shrooboid then turns and throws all three lollipops at Luigi. He barely dodges the first two but the third one hits him right in the face, causing him to fall over.
Luigi: Ow… Taken out by a lollipop… kind of embarrassing.
Baby Luigi scrambles out from under himself… older self… something. He then waddle-dashes very quickly at the Shrooboid Brat and… bites its foot.
Shrooboid Brat: &^*&(*&%^*(^(&^!
It squeals and kicks Baby Luigi off. Fortunately he lands safely on Luigi’s stomach.
Luigi: OUCH!
Mario looks about ready to attack too, when several Mushrooms and fireballs fall from the ceiling. The Brat eats them and then spits them at the Bros. By some kind of interesting luck the Mushrooms go to Mario, while the fireballs hit Luigi. He quickly pops up while screaming like a little girl.
Luigi: ACK! FIRE!
He runs around quickly while the Brat laughs until something ELSE falls from the ceiling. The Pokey! It landed on Luigi and bounces off… somehow putting out the fire.
Luigi: Is anything else up there? I mean honestly-
A Poison Mushroom falls from the ceiling and hits Luigi.
Luigi: BLECH! Those are BAD! Reminder to self: Don’t ask rhetorical questions. The Irony Gods take them literally.
Mario: Eh?
While Luigi babbles about fate and unpleasantness the Pokey and the Shrooboid face off. The Brat tosses several lollipops at it, but the Pokey skillfully doesn’t move and they all miss because the Brat has bad aim. In anger the Pokey shoots several needles at the Brat. Most miss but one penetrates the creature’s puffy lips, shooting out large quantities of air and causing the creature to go flying in a most cartoony way. The Pokey celebrates for a second before one of the Shroobs vaporizes it with its ray gun. Several Shroobs then surround the Bros.
Luigi: Uh… This doesn’t look good.
The princess walks back onto the stage and appears to be about to deliver the order to execute the Bros. when suddenly Kylie Koopa falls from the ceiling and hits one of the Shroobs and bounces off and hits several more, knocking them out.
Luigi: NO MORE THINGS FROM THE CEILING! PLEASE!
Kylie: I’m here to get a story! Anything interesting happen?
Luigi: Besides Princess Peach being eaten by a giant plant, a Pokey battling an alien creature that fights with lollipops, and that this entire museum is populated with hundreds… if not thousands of Shroobs? No, nothing interesting happened.
Kylie; Aw… I was really looking forward to a story. Bye!
She dashes away.
Luigi: Now what?
Princess Shroob: *^*&%^(*(^*%)%(^)(^%%)^()^@!
Suddenly the floor drops away and the Bros. fall into the underground caverns beneath the desert known as Gritzy Caves. The Shroobs resume their vile cackling.
Luigi: Great. We’re underground. What now, Mario?
Mario: Whee!
He starts running through the tunnels.
Luigi: HEY! Wait!
The travel speedily through the tunnels, traversing many a dangerous path until they come face-to-face with three dangerous baddies.
Luigi: Great. Enemies.
A blue Shy Guy with a large cannon strapped to his head (Elite Boom Guy), a floating Egyptian-style sarcophagus with a Snifit face on it Snifaro, and a dark purple Dark Boo face them.
Luigi: I gotta tell you… these enemies are getting weirder and weirder.
The Elite Boom Guy prepares to fire off an Elite Boom Blast… but becomes unsteady due to the weight of the cannon and falls over. The Snifaro shoots off some rocket jets attached to it and flies overhead, while the Dark Boo becomes fearful of opening its eyes so it closes them. However, closing its eyes also causes it to be afraid so trapped in this terrible conundrum, it explodes.
Luigi: Weird.
The Snifaro flies around shooting poorly aimed black pellets, until it is shot down by the Elite Boom Guy who figures if he can’t hit the Bros. he might as well hit something.
Luigi: Strange.
They continue their journey through the caves. Soon they come to a large, cavernous room with no exit. They walk towards the end, but seeing no way out, they stop.
Luigi: Dang! How are we supposed to get out now-
A loud rumbling is heard.
Luigi: Uh… oh...
Suddenly bursting from the ground in the center of the room, Petey Piranha pops up!
Luigi: It’s never simple.
Petey spit sa block at the Bros. Mario grabs Luigi and used his head to block it.
Luigi: OW! Stop using me as a shield!
Mario: OH NOOOO!
Luigi stomps on Mario’s foot.
Mario: ACK!
His grip loosens and Luigi manages to get away.
Luigi: Ha! Didn’t see that coming, did you-
Baby Luigi: Ha!
Baby Luigi slams Luigi in the head with his hammer.
Luigi: OW! Not you too!
Petey Piranha: GAH HA HA!
Petey bodyslams the ground, causing boulders to fall around the Bros. They dash quickly through the maelstrom of rock, only to be hit with a Mini-Piranha Plant dangling from the ceiling.
Mario and Luigi: OW!
Petey then dives underground, somehow causing seed-like rocks to come flying at the Bros, but they quickly jumpe over those.
Luigi: How exactly does he breathe underground? Won’t he suffocate?
As if on cue Petey pops out of the ground, gasping and very tired. He tries to stay conscious but is unable too. And like everyone who is important, he explodes into pink dust, opening a door at the edge of the room and revealing another Cobalt Star Shard.
Luigi: YAY! Now to rescue the princess and get out of here!
Mario grabs the third Cobalt Star Shard and combines it with the others. The Mario Bros. then go into the next room where “Peach” is waiting for them. However… something seems off…
Luigi: She’s got a purple Mushroom strapped to her face.
Peach nods emphatically.
Luigi: Eh… I don’t care… as long as we can leave-
They all vanish.
What happened to the Mario Bros. and “Peach”?! Why is there a purple Mushroom on her head?! Why did Petey Piranha have a shiny shard and can Kylie be any more unintelligent?! All this and less shall be revealed in the next not really exciting chapter of Mario and Luigi: Partners in Paradoxes!