Chapter Five: So… who feels up for a cheerful romp around a BUBBLING VOLCANO?!
The Mario Bros. and Peach appear in the castle courtyard. Toadsworth immediately sees them and after babbling about some kind of bed thing, he literally drags her away, presumably to her room on the second floor.
Luigi: Okay… How did that happen?! How did we get teleported like that?
Mario: Okeydokey!
Luigi: Whatever, it probably has something to do with the Cobalt Star. Has anyone noticed how the castle seems to change radically every adventure?
Youthful Toadsworth has also caught notice of the Bros. and wanders over.
Youthful Toadsworth: What do you mean?
Luigi: Well, there was that time when Bowser had this castle and there were all these weird Power Star things, it was HUGE; and then there was that time when Peach had that party and Bowser captured the whole castle. I mean each time the castle layout has been completely different!
Youthful Toadsworth: I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.
Luigi: Oh… yeah, you haven’t existed in those times yet. But still! Isn’t the castle here and now different from the one you’re used to?
Youthful Toadsworth: Well… I don’t know… It might very well be, but I haven’t left the courtyard since I came here.
Luigi: You’re kidding.
Youthful Toadsworth: No, really! Baby Peach is quite a handful!
Luigi: Fine. I guess my point shall remain unproven.
Toadsworth came back.
Toadsworth: Oh I do so love putting princesses to bed!
Luigi: Wha? Freakin’ weirdo!
Toadsworth: I most definitely am!
Luigi: Whatever. I wonder where we must go now, we have three Cobalt Star Shards and I think we need six… so…?
Youthful Toadsworth: Let’s teach you some new moves!
Luigi: Let’s not and say we didn’t!
Toadsworth: Oh… but I want to teach-
Luigi: NO.
Youthful Toadsworth: Fine. Jerk.
Before they can continue to argue, a loud rumbling is heard from inside the castle.
Toadsworth: That came from the princess' room!
Luigi: What? How can you tell?!
Toadsworth: Who cares? Just go rescue her or something.
Mario: Woohoo!
Baby Mario: No!
Luigi: Great, more rescuing.
Baby Luigi: Woo!
The Mario Bros. dash up to Princess Peach’s room, dodging the panicking Toads.
Luigi: What purpose exactly do the Toads serve? All they do is panic.
Getting no response from the Toads, Luigi shrugs and speeds up. Soon they reach Peach’s room and they burst in. She is standing in the center of the room, and between her and the Mario Bros. is…
Luigi: Bowser!
Yes, the giant turtle that so far has been missing in this adventure… unless you count Baby Bowser who IS technically Bowser but not really… Oh this is confusing! On with the story!
Bowser: Gwa ha ha! You’re mine Peach!
Peach: …
A purple cloud shoots out of the Mushroom still attached to her face. It causes Bowser and the Mario Bros. to cough. Bowser appears the least affected, so he grabs the Princess and runs out, slamming into the Bros. After a second the cloud dissipates and they run out as well.
Luigi: Am I the only one who thinks that was weird?
Mario: Okeydokey!
Luigi: Fine.
Bowser stops at one of the bridges randomly placed in the castle.
Bowser: Uh… I don’t think this will hold me…
Luigi: How exactly did he get here? He probably just walked right past the useless Toads.
Bowser turns around and sees the Mario Bros. standing behind him.
Bowser: Oh shoot… I'd better make a run for it-
Stuffwell pops up.
Stuffwell: *yawn...* I was asleep… what’d I miss?
Luigi: You’re a suitcase! Suitcases don’t sleep!
Stuffwell: In case you forgot, I’m a special suitcase. I can do whatever I want!
Mario: Mamamia!
Mario grabs Stuffwell.
Stuffwell: What are you doing?!
Bowser starts to run onto the bridge when Mario chucks Stuffwell at him, hitting him in the back of the head and causing him to fall off the bridge and into a conveniently placed Time Hole. He gets sucked into it… him… and the princess. Stuffwell bounces back to the Bros.
Stuffwell: I am many things… but a projectile is not one of them!
Luigi: I don’t know… You seem to be pretty good in that department…
Stuffwell: Eek! I escape!
He disappears again.
Luigi: Great… Bowser lands in a Time Hole… and I assume we have to follow him?
Mario emphatically nods his head.
Luigi: Great. Well… let’s go!
The Mario Bros. jump off the bridge as well and land in the Time Hole. They are transported to a different time and place… although if it takes them to a different PLACE it can’t really be called a TIME Hole… more like a Temporal Displacement Transporter… thing. Yeah. Back to the story! Mario and Luigi arrive in a mountainous region…
Luigi: Looks interesting… and kind of… green.
The entire mountain area is green, save for the wooden bridges strewn about. Apparently making up the mountain are large, angry, green blocks, similar to Thwomps.
Luigi: Where are we?
A Toad wandering around on the mountain dashes up to the Mario Bros.
Toad: You’re on Thwomp Volcano!
Luigi: A VOLCANO?!
Toad: Don’t worry, the totally rad eruption of the volcano only occurs… today!
Luigi: You’re not comforting!
Toad: Hey man… chill!
Luigi: Fine. What are you doing on this mountain?
Toad: I and my awesome friends are attempting to climb this massive mountain!
Luigi: “Attempting”? There’s stairs all over the place! It looks easy!
Toad: Oh… it is, but see, we’re doing it with our EYES closed!
Luigi: Right… Did you see a big turtle thing run by here?
Toad: Oh yeah… He jumped into the mountain!
Luigi: Why?
Toad: Something about putting a new fortress in or something. See you, dude!
He closes his eyes and runs… right off the mountain.
Toad: So totally awesome!
Luigi: It seems even in the past Toads are useless.
Mario: WHEE!
Luigi: Well… I guess we must go up the mountain. Fun.
They start hiking up the mountain. They don’t get far before they find six blocks in front of them, three red, three green.
Luigi: Why are there BLOCKS in the center of this path-
The blocks sprout eyes and a mouth (they are Thwacks) and float up into the air.
Luigi: Oh… I don’t like this.
Suddenly the green ones dash for Luigi and the red ones fly at Mario. Luigi ducks and they miss, impacting the ground and exploding while Mario rolls to the side. The three red ones stopp before they hit the ground and then start hopping up and down.
Luigi: What are they doing? Looks like some weird kind of dance- ACK!
Three more Thwacks fall from above!
Luigi: Great… more.
Mario: Woohoo!
Two Thwacks go for Luigi while the other four attack Mario. Baby Luigi takes out his hammer and swings it at one of them. It shatters but the other hits Luigi.
Luigi: Ow…
He turns and sees Mario in combat with the other four. Mario jumps on one repeatedly, causing the Thwack to break, but the other three back off. Luigi is about to help when they turn gold.
Luigi: Uh… gold?
Suddenly they explode, shooting rock chunks at both Bros. Luigi dives to the ground and they go over his head while Mario jumps over them. When the dust disappears Luigi gets up and walks over to Mario.
Luigi: Well… uh… I hope the rest of this is a wee bit easier.
Mario: Okeydokey!
Luigi: For once… enemies that fought back successfully… and they STILL kill themselves.
The Mario Bros. continue with their journey up the mountain. They come upon a Red Coconutter, similar to the ones on Yoshi’s Island… but red. The creature, lacking eyeballs, continuously walks into a wall.
Luigi: How do those things survive?!
They keep going, avoiding the strange thing until they see a large, gold coin with a strange symbol on it. Mario, upon seeing, it dashes forward to try to grab it. It quickly turns into a Thwomp and tries to squish him, but he rolls out of the way.
Luigi: Why does that Thwomp have a tail… and why was it a coin?!
True. The Thwomp does have a small, raccoon-like tail. It falls back to the ground and becomes a Tanoomba, a Goomba crossed with a Tanooki suit. It has a leaf on its head and a raccoon tail. Very strange.
Luigi: What is that- AGH!
It turns into a spiky turtle shell and starts rapidly moving for the Mario Bros. it still maintains the tail, making it look rather weird. The Bros. hop over the creature and it changes back.
Luigi: I don’t like-
Mario: RAR!
Mario dashes for the Tanoomba. It jumps over his wild swing and turns into a balloon. It slowly floats down.
Luigi: I think this will be one thing I’LL take care of.
He walks over and pokes it. It flies around wildly before careening off the mountain.
Luigi: Who’s the hero NOW, Mario?
Mario punches Luigi.
Luigi: OW! Jerk!
After he recovers from the pain of being brutally assaulted by his own brother (it didn’t take him long as it happens several times a day), they continue to the top of the mountain. At the crater entrance Luigi spots something shiny.
Luigi: Something shiny!
He dashes forward and picks it up.
Luigi: I believe it is… Princess Peach’s tiara! She MUST be in the volcano-
Mario runs to Luigi and grabs the tiara.
Luigi: Hey! If you want it just-
Mario eats the tiara. Baby Luigi gurgles in twisted joy while Baby Mario winces in confusion.
Luigi: You’re insane.
Mario: YAY!
Luigi: Just so you know. Well… let’s go inside the volcano-
The volcano explodes in a large, flamy, lava-filled explosion of doom and destruction.
Luigi: I’m getting really sick of being interrupted-
Mario: Babies!
Mario grabs Luigi and takes him down an alternate path in order to escape from the violent volcanic explosion. After much running they reach a small building in the shape of E. Gadd’s head.
Luigi: This is probably where E. Gadd worked however many years ago this is… Perhaps he could help us?
They go inside to see a much younger E. Gadd hard at work... in doodling.
Luigi: Uh… Professor?
He jerks up guiltily, then, seeing as they are probably not scientists, he calms down.
Elvin: Sorry… Thought you were the board… come to do their weekly interrogation,
Luigi: Uh… E. Gadd… that’s great and all but could you help us?
Elvin: Oh, just call me Elvin! Everybody does! Wouldn’t want to be E. Gadd unless I was old- YOU ARE FROM THE FUTURE!
Luigi: Yes… um… how’d you know?
Elvin: I didn’t, just thought it would be an excellent conversation starter! So you really ARE from the future?
Luigi: Yes.
Elvin: Okay.
Suddenly several flaming Thwomps burst in from the ceiling, shattering Elvin’s things. They quickly fizzle out, except for a massive one that looks like it is going to explode.
Elvin: Oh! Use that water hose in the corner to put out that Thwomp!
Luigi: Why do you have a water hose in your laboratory?
Elvin: Uh… Scientific experiments?
Luigi: Whatever.
He grabs the hose and, using its amazing water powers, extinguishes the flaming Thwomp.
Elvin: Oh… Seeing you use that hose… gives me an idea!
He walks into a corner, twitching and mumbling to himself.
Luigi: What’s up with him?
After a minute they walk out of the laboratory seeing as Elvin will be of no further use, when Stuffwell pops up.
Stuffwell: I have a Time Message from E. Gadd! YAY!
He opens up, revealing a screen. E. Gadd’s face appears.
E. Gadd: Hi!
Luigi: Uh… hi. What do you want?
E. Gadd: Well, my past self, upon seeing you use that hose, came up with an idea and I created a big water pumping machine thing!
Luigi: In what… the five minutes since we did that… oh wait. Time differences and-
E. Gadd: Yep! In the five minutes since then! I hooked it up to the Time Hole and I shall use it to put out the volcano! Bye!
His image flickers out.
Luigi: This probably violates so many rules of time and creates a bunch of paradoxes… but whatever.
A HUMONGOUS blast of water shoots up in full view of the Bros. and assaults the volcano flames. Soon, the volcano is put out and the wave of water disappears. This causes the universe to end. NO! Just kidding! Ha! Anyways the Mario Bros. walk back up to the crater. However at the entrance are two large Thwomps, a classic male one, rectangular and pointy, and a female who looks like a big, round boulder with massive eyebrows.
Luigi: Uh… hello?
Mrs. Thwomp: So YOU are the horrible people who put out the volcano that my husband and I love to jump in!
Luigi: No we’re not, the-
Mrs. Thwomp: SILENCE! I challenge you to a ferocious battle!
Luigi: I don’t want to- ACK!
She rolls at the Bros. and they roll away. She then spits several large boulders at them. Mario grabs Baby Mario’s hammer and bats them back at her.
Mrs. Thwomp: Grrr! You are tough… but can you survive y shockwave attack?!
She jumps in the air and comes crashing down, sending three shockwaves at the Bros. They easily and skillfully hop over them.
Mrs. Thwomp: Wha? How?
Luigi: That attack is SO old school. Don’t you have anything new?
Mrs. Thwomp: Oh yeah?! Take THIS!
She splits into four smaller Thwomps.
Luigi: Uh… yeah, seen that before too.
Mrs. Thwomps: JUST DIE! AAAAAGHHH!
All four roll for the Bros. They sidestep and they go right off the mountain.
Luigi: Well… that solves that problem-
He sees Mr. Thwomp looking at them.
Luigi: Uh… sorry?
Mr. Thwomp: You. You caused wife to roll off cliff.
Luigi: Yes.
Mr. Thwomp: Thank you very much. She is… annoying. I take you inside volcano as thanks.
Luigi: That’s very… kind of you.
Mr. Thwomp: Hop on.
They get on him and he takes them inside Thwomp Volcano.
Meanwhile deep inside the volcano…
Bowser trudges along in the very depths of the volcano carrying Peach, who STILL has that purple Mushroom on her face. He takes a step forward when suddenly Baby Bowser jumps in front of him.
Baby Bowser: Heym back off! This is my future fortress!
Bowser: No way, pipsqueak! It’s MINE!
Baby Bowser: You think you are so great just 'cause you’re big!
Bowser: Actually… yeah.
Baby Bowser: What’s your name, Grampa?
Bowser: I’m Bowser, you little runt!
Baby Bowser: No way! I’m Bowser too!
They stare at each other in shock for a bit. Maybe they’ll realize that they are the past and future selves of one another and team up to destroy the Mario Bros. once and for all!
Bowser: Name thief!
Baby Bowser: Nuh uh! You’re the name thief!
Bowser: Want to join forces to stop the Mario Bros?
Baby Bowser: Sure.
Well… at least I was half right.
Back to the Bros…
Mr. Thwomp comes down into the volcano but stops when he hits a platform. The Bros. get off him and figure that in order to get to Bowser, they’ll have to find another ride. So they start exploring through the surprisingly not hot, non-lava-filled volcano with nice, obvious pathways.
Luigi: Weird place, but then again no weirder than half of the other places we’ve been too- AGH!
He falls back when something invisible hits him. When he scrambles to his feet he sees a Gold Koopeleon become temporarily visible before it shoots its tongue at Mario and become unseeable again. Mario dodges and jumps on the creature once. It freaks and runs away like a little girl.
Luigi: That was strange. Oh well, let’s keep going.
They continue their strange journey until four Thwacks jump in front of them.
Luigi: Great. More of these guys.
However, they don’t charge. The Thwacks merely stack on top of each other, with the bottom one gaining legs and the top one getting arms, until the resulting creature is twice the size of the Bros.
Luigi: Uh… This can’t be good.
Suddenly flames erupt from the creature (Thwack Totem) like a rocket and it flies into the air. It comes crashing down, creating a shockwave which the Brothers easily hop over.
Luigi: Again with the shockwave? Can’t the monsters come up with something new?
The Thwack Totem then shiots off its four segments, which then fly at a rapid speed. Mario manages to avoid one but the second clips his leg, causing him to fall. Luigi is clocked in the chest by the firs,t also causing him to fall, which makes the second one miss. They reform and start to stagger over to Mario. It appears as if the Thwack Totem plans on falling on Mario and squishing him. It stands right over him while Luigi struggles to get up (Baby Luigi isn’t helping as he keeps hitting Luigi) Mario strikes out and kicks the Totem on one of its feet. It tilts wildly and then falls over, AWAY from Mario. It struggles to get up but fails. Mario and Luigi get to their feet.
Luigi: Well… that was strangely anticlimactic.
Mario: Woohoo!
Luigi: Let’s keep going-
Before they can take another step, though, a Blazing Shroob runs at them from behind a wall… platform… thing. It is a red Shroob and its head is on fire! It immediately throws several fireballs at them.
Luigi: Ack! I’m getting really sick of this! OW!
One hits him in the face, causing him to fall over, while Mario deflects the rest with the hammer he took. The creature screeches and a Shroob Saucer flues in. (Yes, flew in. In a volcano. Don’t ask.) It sticks out a long tube and sucks up some of the Blazing Shroob’s fire. It then uses that energy to shoot out powered up flaming rockets. The Bros. dodge and the Saucer lets up on its attack.
Luigi: Great! Rocket-shooting saucers powered by a burning alien. Obviously an advanced society, these Shroobs.
The saucer sticks out the tube again However, its suction is apparently too much and the Shroob flies up and gets caught in the tube. After a second in which both the Blazing Shroob and the pilot of the saucer freaked out, they both explode.
Luigi: Right… that was weird. Let’s keep going, Mario.
Mario: Okeydokey!
And so they continue! Soon they come to a large Thwomp.
Thwomp: Hello.
Luigi: Hi… uh, we need-
Thwomp: I’m an ELEVATOR!
Luigi: Really? That’s great!
Thwomp: Hop on! I take you to… bottom of volcano!
Luigi: Thanks!
They hop on and start traveling down the volcano when the Thwomp abruptly stops.
Thwomp: There is block in way. Can’t continue.
Luigi: How about you just move forward a couple of feet… and then go down?
Thwomp: Crazy! But… just might work!
He does so and they continue down. Soon they reach the bottom unhindered.
Luigi: Thank-
The Thwomp shoots back up the volcano.
Luigi: You know… those Thwomps completely defy gravity.
Mario: Whee!
Luigi: Great. Let’s just find Bowser, beat him up, and rescue the princess.
They walk into the next room, which is a large chamber thing. At the other end stands Peach.
Luigi: Yes! Now where is-
Bowser drops from the ceiling and laughs. This was expected. But unexpectedly on his back is…
Luigi: Baby Bowser?!
Baby Bowser: I’m not a baby! Me and my big friend here are going to cause you severe physical harm!
Bowser: GWA HA HA! Yeah! And we’re going to beat you up, too!
Luigi: Why is Baby Bowser smarter then adult Bowser?
Mario: Woohoo!
Mario jumps on Bowser’s head.
Bowser: Agh! Jerk!
He shoots a blast of flame at Mario, who skillfully dodges it. He then hammers Bowser.
Bowser: UNFAIR! SUPREME SHOCKWAVE STRIKE!
Bowser jumps into the air and comes slamming down… creating yet ANOTHER clichéd shockwave attack that both Mario and Luigi dodge easily.
Luigi: I’m really getting bored of enemies doing that.
Bowser: Have you seen THIS before?!
He tosses Baby Bowser into the air. Baby Bowser spins several times before coming back down on Bowser’s back, causing him to shoot two speedy fireballs at Mario and Luigi. Luigi gets hit, and quickly tries to put out the flame as Mario hits hits fireball back, hitting Bowser.
Bowser: I’m starting to get tired… but now we shall use our very best attack! Shell Shot!
He curls into his shell and Baby Bowser jumps off and pulls out a hammer.
Luigi: Where’d you get that?
Baby Bowser: Found it in my pocket!
Luigi: You don’t HAVE pockets- AGH!
Baby Bowser smacks the shell at Luigi. Luigi dives to the right and it passes him, hitting a wall. Bowser flies back as if on a rubber band and he slams into Baby Bowser.
Bowser: Okay… Maybe we should have practiced that before saying it was our best.
Suddenly the room starts to shake.
Luigi: What’s that?!
The Thwomp that Bowser and Baby Bowser were standing on was embedded in the ground. However. the shaking caused it to become angry and it fies up, carrying both of them with it!
Baby Bowser: AGH!
Bowser: Don’t worry! We’ll survive and someday you’ll be almost as handsome as I am!
Baby Bowser: Oh I hope not! You’re ugly!
Bowser: Brat!
He shoves baby Bowser off the Thwomp. By this time they are out of the volcano and Baby Bowser falls a long ways before crashlanding on something smooth… Meanwhile, Bowser keeps going.
Bowser: Now what? I’m kind of stuck on this-
The Thwomp explodes. Bowser plummets to the ground.
Bowser: That was unexpected!
He lands back in the Time Hole and is warped away. Meanwhile the shaking continues for the Bros.
Luigi: What’s going on?!
Mario: Mamamia!
Luigi: We should get out of here!
Suddenly the side of the volcano blows in and a vacuum-like thing snakes its way inside and sucks up the Bros. and the princess!
What shall happen to the heroes?! Why is anything happening? How can Thwomps defy gravity like that? Does it make physicists angry? Maybe one of these questions will be answered… next time! YAY questions!