Super Mario RPG: No Legend of the 7 Dumb Stars

By Crazy Koopa

September 30, 2006

Prologue: The Princess has been Kidnapped! Ö AGAIN!

The story starts with Princess Peach in the garden digging for something...

Princess: Iím digging to plant Flowers!

UhhÖ Ok... but then Bowser, the King of (you know what and if you donít know then you are an idiot) the Koopas swooped down out of the sky...

Bowser: Hey how am I supposed to swoop down? I canít fly!

Youíre using your Koopa Clown Car.

Bowser: Oh... right.

ANYWAYS... Bowser swooped down from the sky and kidnapped the princess.

Princess: HELP!

NO! Not that kind of kidnap. Than Mario heard the ruckus outside...

Mario: What is up with Bowser?! Every single stinking day he kidnaps the princess! Oh well... Iíd better save the princess... AGAIN!

Mario then runs to Bowserís Keep and runs into some Terrapins but they are really stupid.

Terrapin: Iím going to defeat you, Mario!

Mario: Iím not this Mario of which you speak.

Terrapin: Oh... Sorry for the mix-up.

Mario: (Moron.)

Than Mario runs across the bridge and after he runs across the second one, it falls down into the lava. Mario runs into the next room and notices something in there.

Mario: Why does Bowserís Keep have white walls?

No, you moron! Bowser and the princess are on the chandeliers!

Mario: Oh... uhh... I knew that.

... Mario jumsd up to the chandeliers and starts battling Bowser.

Mario: Iím gonna win!

Bowser: And what makes you think that?

Mario: Because, Iím the star of this Fun Fiction story!

Bowser: Crud, your right.

Mario uses his Jump attack and attacks the Kinklink Ďtil it lets go.

Kinklink: I canít hold on much longer.

Bowser: Hey! I told you if you talk, Iím docking your pay!

Kinklink lets go of the chandelier.


And finally Marioís Kinklink releases his chandelier, too, because he is too heavy.

Kinklink: *gasp* Too... heavy...


Bowser: Bwa ha ha ha ha! Iím going to send you to the bottom of this endless room!

Mario ignores him and jumps off Bowserís head back up to the Kinklink chain.

Bowser: Crud...

Princess: Can I get untied now? I have to use the bathroom!

Then an earthquake shakes all of Plit. Then by sheer coincidence (and mainly this story is about the same game) a sword named Exor falls out of the sky and crashes into the Keep, sending the Princess, Mario, and Bowser in random directions.

End of Prologue

Chapter 1: Mackís Attack! They Both Have the Word Ack!

Mario coincidently lands in his house and sees Toad outside. Mario falls through the pipe roof of his house and lands on a clothes hanger. Toad comes running in.

Toad: @#$%! Where is the $#%%@ princess?!

Mario: Well she flew out of Bowserís Keep and landed in Parts Unknown.

Toad: You mean that $%^% Bowser has her again?! @$@#!$@#%!

Mario: No, I said...

Toad: Then go to his @#$@# Keep and get the #$%$#$% princess back!

Mario: Fine...

Mario runs all the way back to Bowserís Keep again and notices something there.

Mario: Since when does Bowserís Keep have a bridge?

No, you moron! The sword in the Keep! You notice that!

Mario: Oh... I knew that.

Exor: This castle now belongs to the Smithy Gang. Outsiders be gone!

Exor causes an earthquake but the bridge doesnít collapse.


Mario manages to get to Vista Hill without realizing the bridge is still there. He then goes to his house and finds Toadette there.

Mario: Toadette?! What are you doing here?! And where is Toad?!

Toadette: He was fired for cursing too much.

Mario: So are you replacing Toad?

Toadette: Yup.

Mario: So... what do I do now?

Toadette: Tell me what happened at the Keep.

Mario: Oh, right. Well a sword caused an earthquake and made the bridge collapse.

Toadette: Well thatís bad. Weíd better tell the chancellor right away!

Mario: Lead on!

Toadette runs off and Mario attempts to follow, but Toadette comes running back and Mario moves out of the way and Toadette crashes into some bushes.

Toadette: Sorry. Oh, that bump on your head. It made you lose some HP.

Mario: I donít have a bump on my head.

Toadette: Here, take some of the Mushroom Kingdomís famous item.

Toadette gives Mario a Mushroom!

Toadette: Do you want me to tell you how to use items?

Mario: No, not really...

Toadette: Great! First open the menu. Then select items. Then pick the item you want to use on yourself. Finally use the item on yourself. Do you want me to repeat that?

Mario: NO!

Toadette: Great! First...

After about 37,563,973 repeated lessons, Toadette finally warns Mario about the monsters in Mushroom Way.

Toadette: Do you know how to use the Action Commands?

Mario: Yes.

Toadette: Oh... so let me teach you!

Mario: Ugh...

After 3,145,265,465,634 lessons, Mario and Toadette finally go to Mushroom Way. Mario notices something... uhh, instead Iíll say what he notices. Mario notices that Toadette has been kidnapped by a Goomba.

Toadette: Help!

Mario defeats the Goomba and Toadette gives Mario a Honey Syrup. In the next area, Mario notices that the enemies are all dizzy because they are addicted to spinning on the spinning flower. And he also notices that one Paratroopa is holding Toadette captive. Then Mario saves her and they continue until they see two Hammer Bros.

Mario: Can you move?

Hammer Bro: My Hammer and I donít like you.

Mario: Ok...

Mario attempts to walk by the Hammer Bro but gets stopped by him.

Hammer Bro: Now you got my hammer angry! You shouldnít have done that!

Mario: You know your Bro called your hammer ugly.

Hammer Bro: WHAT?!

The Hammer Bros. beat each other up until they both disappear.

Toadette: Great! Now we can continue! Huh? What is this hammer doing here? Oh well, you can use it as a weapon, Mario.

Mario obtains the hammer!

Toadette: Come on! The Mushroom Kingdom is this way!

Toadette runs off ahead and Mario equips the hammer, then follows Toadette. Mario is tired from walking so he jumps on Toadetteís head and jumps off when Toadette gets to the door and finds a hidden treasure chest with a Frog Coin. Than Mario enters the throne room and meets the chancellor.

Chancellor: Ah... Mario, where is the princess?

Mario: She flew off in a random direction.

Chancellor: Egads! Do you mean Bowser kidnapped her again?!

Mario explains what happened.

Chancellor: What?!

Mario: I know itís bad.

Chancellor: No, I have no idea what you just said. Here, Iíll give you this map for no reason and have the vault guard let you into our treasure chamber so you can steal our things.

Mario: ...

Mario than takes all three treasure boxes they had. When goes went outside to leave, he notices a white, fluffy, cloud-like person is chasing a crocodile.

Cloud Guy: Come back here!

Crocodile: Hahaha! Youíll never catch me!

Than the crocodile jumps onto the ledge so he can escape. The Cloud Guy then attempts to jump on the ledge as well but realizes he has no legs and canít jump that high.

Cloud Guy: NOOOOOOOOO!!! I lost him... WAAAAAH!

Then it starts to rain. Mario is quickly soaking wet and goes to the Cloud Guy to calm him down.

Cloud Guy: Oh, you look like youíre soaking wet.

Mario: Ya think?

Cloud Guy: Sorry, itís just that reptile. He just...

Mario: Did he steal something of value from you?

Cloud Guy: No. Weíre playing tag and Iím it.

Mario: ... So whatís your name?

Cloud Guy: My name is Mallow and Iím a frog from Tadpole Pond, but I canít jump for some reason.

Mario: Ok...

Random Toad Girl with No Life who Keeps Saying that Mario is Standing in Something: Hey Mario, letís see how you can handle Bowser.

Mario jumps to show how heíll handle Bowser.

RTGWNLWKSTMISIS: Wow, Bowser doesnít stand a chance!

Mallow: You mean youíre THE Mario?!

Mario: Yes. Have you heard of me?

Mallow: Nope. I just wanted to say that.

Mario: ... Ok.

Mallow: Will you help me catch that thief?

Mario: I thought you guys were playing tag.

Mallow: Donít question things you canít understand.

Mario: ...

Mallow: So will you help me?

Mario: Ok.

Mallow: Yay!

Mallow joins the party!

Mario: To some random place!

Now in Banditís WayÖ

Crocodile: Ha! You canít get me!

Then Mallow touches him.


Croco than disappears in a puff of smoke and leaves behind a wallet and Frog Coin.

Mallow: YES! I am not it anymore!

They go back to the Mushroom Kingdom only to find it overrun with Shy Guys on pogo dticks.

Mario: We were gone for like 30 seconds and these Shy Guys on pogo sticks take over the town!

Shy Guy on Pogo Stick: Weíre not called Shy Guys on pogo sticks! We are called Shysters!

Mario: What do you guys do for a living?

Shyster: BOUNCE!

Mario: I bet you canít bounce on all of your buddies.

Shyster: Just watch me!

The Shyster bounces on the other Shysters and the ones he didnít bounce on run away screaming like little girls.

Shyster: I told you so! Hey, theyíre gone!

Mario and Co. enter the castle only to find even more Shysters.

Mario: Hey you! I bet you canít bounce on all your buddies!

Shyster: Just watch me!

While he is bouncing, Mario and Co. enter the throne room.

Mallow: Why is it called Co. when itís just me and Mario?

Iím too lazy to type in Mallow.

Mallow: But youíre typing it right now.

Donít question things you canít understand.

Mallow: ...

Shysters in the front: Hey, I bet we can jump on his head!

They jump the other direction and miss completely.

Mack: Listen, gang! That mustached moron is going to stop our party! Are we happy about this?!

Bodyguards: NO!

Mario: Hey, I bet you canít jump on each others headís.

Bodyguards: Just watch us!

The bodyguards all attack each other until they defeat each other.

Mack: Grr... Youíre smart for an idiot. You beat all my bodyguards!

Mario: No, they beat...

Mack: Silence! I shall beat you myself!

Mack prepares to jump on Mario but jumps too high and gets stuck in the ceiling.

Mack: Curses! Iíve been defeated!

After Mack drops lots of coins, a Star Piece appears from behind the throne.

Mario: Iím going to take that.

Mario swipes the Star Piece and flies all the way to the Star Piece Menu.

Shysters in the front: This is not good. Weíd better tell the boss.

The Shysters crash into each other and die.

End of Chapter 1

What is the Star Piece Mario collected for? Why canít Mallow jump? Will the princess get to the bathroom since she was holding it from the Prologue? Why am I asking these questions? Where did the Princess and Bowser fall? What happened to Toad? What happened to Toadette? Find out in Chapter 2: Sewers with Giant Dog-like Creatures and an Old Frog with a Beard.

Read on!

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