Donkey Kong Adventure

By Lemmy's Campfire Tales

It is afternoon in the Mushroom Kingdom. The yearly Mario Kart Grand Prix is finished, and all that is left is the award ceremony.

At said ceremony, Peach is walking up to announce the winners. A certain Bowser Koopa edges over towards a light switch. As Peach opens the envelope announcing the fifth place winner, Bowser flicks the lights off, causing the room to go into panic. A minute later, the lights come back on, but two things are missing.

Luigi: Bowser is gone!

Mario: The princess is probably gone, too!

Peach: Actually, I'm right here.

Indeed, she is still there.

...

Bowser has gathered his eight children in the living room.

Bowser: That was a great idea, kidnapping Peach during the ceremony! Whose idea was that?

Larry: I believe it was-

Bowser: ME, of course! Let's let her out!

Dumping the contents of the bag reveals the captive, except it isn't the princess.

Ludwig: ... Dad, why did you kidnap Donkey Kong?

Bowser: I didn't kidnap Donkey Kong, you simpleton. I caught Peach, remember- *looks at DK* OH MY DAD! This is not Peach!

DK: Hey, buddy, how about letting me go free? My friends must be worried about me!

Bowser: Hah, what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah: NO!

Roy: Once a prisoner, always a prisoner!

Morton: Yeah, so you better get used to life in the cold, dark, damp, scary, freaky dungeon, where you'll eat nothing but gross, disgusting, slimy- MMPH!

The Koopas throw DK into a cage.

DK: Well... I'll stay prisoner, but if you don't give me bananas every five minutes of my time here, I may revert back to my primal instincts and break out.

Bowser: You're bluffing.

DK begins to revert to his primal instincts. In other words, he does everything he usually does.

Bowser: Yipe! He was telling the truth! Quick, get him bananas!

Lemmy: But he's not going to cause any destructio-

Bowser: NO TIME. GET BANANAS.

Bowser tosses the Koopalings out the window, one by one.

Iggy: Okay, Dad's not gonna let us back in until we get DK his bananas... Let's travel to each of the worlds where the unknown heroes are going to go to look for bananas. When the heroes meet us, we have to fight them and lose so DK will be rescued and we won't have to deal with-

Morton: SHUT UP, IGGY!

The other Koopalings stare blankly at this.

Roy: ... Well, despite the lack of overused stereotypes here, Iggy does have a point. Let's do this.

The Koopalings travel to different places where they think bananas exist.

Meanwhile, on DK Isle, Diddy is in DK's house watching the clock.

Diddy: DK should be home from the big race in one minute.

The clock changes to 4:00 PM.

Diddy: WELCOME HOME, DONKEY!

Nobody is there.

Diddy: Oh no! Donkey was supposed to be here at 4:00! Where is he?

The clock turns 4:01.

Diddy: This is terrible! He must have been kidnapped!

The clock changes to 4:02.

Diddy: I gotta warn the others!

Diddy runs over to Funky's house, where he is making repairs on the Funky Copter.

Funky: Yo, Diddy! What's up, ma man?

Diddy: It's terrible, Funky! DK hasn't come home yet!

Funky: Yikes! That is terrible news, dawg! How can I help you?

Diddy: I need you to tell everyone in the jungle to meet me at DK's house, ya hear?

Funky: O-ke-zay! But my services don't come cheap: 40 Banana Tokens.

Diddy reaches into his pockets and takes out 39 Banana Tokens.

Diddy: But I only got 39...

Funky: Sorry, man. As much as I care for the Donkey Dude, I need the moolah. I'm sure you have some spare change maxin' and relaxin' in your crib.

Diddy: But... but... Argh. Okay. Stay here.

Diddy runs right back to his jungle abode and searches all over the room for a spare Banana Token. He looks under the couch cushions, under the bed, in DK's banana bank (which is empty), and in many other places around the home. Not one token is found lying around the house.

Diddy: I can't find any change!

Diddy looks around at the mess he just made by searching for currency.

Diddy: And I just cleaned the place, too.

A pebble is tossed at Diddy's head. Diddy turns around to see a Kremling chuckling.

Diddy: Hey you! Get over here!

Kremling: Meep! Run away!

The Kremling runs away. Unfortunately, he falls down from the tree house, and lands flat on his face. Diddy runs over to him.

Diddy: Had enough already?

Kremling: Please spare me! If you do, I'll give you something cool!

Diddy: Like what? A bomb?

Kremling: Uh, no. A Banana Token!

Diddy: Okay.

The Kremling gives Diddy the Banana Token. Diddy runs back to Funky.

Diddy: Here are the Banana Tokens, now help me!

Funky: Oh, you don't need to pay me. I decided that as much as I like the money, DK's more important.

Diddy: ... If I wasn't concerned about rescuing DK, I'd kill you right now.

Two hours later, all the Kongs are in DK's tree house.

Diddy: Here's the deal... I was waiting for DK to come home from the big Mario Kart race. He said he'd be home at 4:00, but he wasn't there when it became that time. Then it turned 4:01, and then to 4:02. There's only one explanation... HE'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.

All the Kongs except Cranky gasp.

Cranky: Back in my day, we didn't have any of these fancy clocks! We went by sundials and we liked it!

Diddy: I have a plan to rescue him. First, Candy, Cranky, Swanky, and Funky have to go around to each of the worlds, build houses there, and teach us new moves, let us save our progress, or make us answer questions for extra lives.

Lanky: Why don't they just do that here for free? I mean, don't you think it would be smarter to-

Diddy: No.

Cranky: Bah, I don't have to do anything you kids tell me to do! I'm-

Swanky: We're on it.

Swanky, Candy, and Funky pick up Cranky and dash out the door.

Dixie: And what do the rest of us do?

Diddy: We have to go through the worlds and, um, look for Donkey.

Kiddy: Goo goo?

Chunky: He said "Will there be any meanies on this trip?"

Diddy: Yes. Every adventure we have has "meanies" in it.

Kiddy: Me smash meanies.

A Kremling comes in, the same one Diddy encountered.

Diddy: Hey, youíre that Kremling I encountered!

Tiny: What do you want?

Kremling: I just wanted to thank Diddy for sparing me.

Dixie: Diddy... you... spared him?!

Diddy: He was gonna give me a Banana Token!

Lanky: Uh huh...

Kremling: So now, I'm promising my services to you.

Chunky: Gee, thanks. But we don't even know your name.

Kremling: Oh, terribly sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I am Krocknus... It's a horrible name, I know.

Diddy: So... You're my minion now?

Krocknus: No, PSYCHE.

Krocknus runs away laughing.

Tiny: Shouldn't we chase him?

Diddy: No, I'm sure he's gonna be a reoccurring character. We'll see him later. Now, let's just go and try to find DK.

Meanwhile...

Bowser: Rawr! Where are those Koopalings? DK's on the verge of breaking out!

DK is in the cage, sleeping.

Back at DK Isle, the Kongs are about to leave the jungle when they meet...

Iggy: Oh, hi, have you seen any bananas? I need to find some so Dad will let me back in his castle and that big ape will shut up.

Dixie: Wait... Big ape?

Iggy: Some guy by the name of Dinky Kung or something. My dad, King Bowser, accidentally kidnapped him in place of Peach. Figures, doesn't it?

Diddy: You mean Donkey Kong? Yeah, we're the ones out to rescue him. I guess we have to fight you now.

Iggy: Actually, I'd rather you just rescue him so I can go back to the castle and live my normal life.

Kiddy: Ga ga.

Chunky: Kiddy says the official strategy guide says that we have to beat you to move on.

Iggy: What official strategy guide?

Kiddy throws a magazine with the words "Donkey Kong Adventure" in Iggy's face.

Iggy: Oh... Well you'll never defeat me, fools!

Tiny: We'll see about that!

Tiny gets inside a barrel that has her face on it. She gets out and appears to be smaller than usual.

Iggy: Hahahaha! This should make things easier.

Iggy tries to stomp on Tiny, but she goes into his shell and starts tickling him.

Dixie: Hang on, where did the barrel come from?

Barrel: Um... I don't exist.

The barrel poofs away.

Tiny: Wait, if it doesn't exist, then...

Tiny grows back to her normal size just as she hops out of the shell.

Iggy: Seriously, guys, I don't want to fight you. Let's just say you beat me and I join you.

Lanky: We'll say we beat you, but you don't join us.

Iggy: Oh, come on. Let me join you to get back your ape thing!

Diddy: All right, weíll vote on it.

They each write their votes on papers and put them in Diddy's hat. He begins to read off the votes.

Diddy: The first vote is for him not to join... Same with the second... And the third... and the fourth... The fifth one is for Krocknus?

Krocknus is seen running off laughing.

Diddy: The sixth vote is for him not to join, same with the seventh, and the eighth... Nope, ya can't come with us.

Iggy: Oh, darn it.

The Kongs buy their tickets for a boat to the Mushroom Kingdom. After a few hours, they get on it. Iggy sneaks into a barrel.

Iggy: They'll let me help them no matter what. I'll just stow away in here and-

Iggy's barrel is loaded into the boat's refrigerator.

Iggy: Ergh, on s-s-s-second t-t-t-thought, this w-w-w-was a bad idea.

Chunky: Do you hear something, Kiddy?

Kiddy: No.

Chunky: Okay, because I- AAAH! SWEET JUMPIN' JELLYBEANS! What is that?!

A large pirate ship is seen in the way.

Diddy: Who is piloting that thing?

Embers come out of the pirate ship, grab the Kongs, and take them aboard.

Lanky: Where are we?

A large skeleton appears in front of the group.

Cortez: Arharharhar! What do we have here? It be landlubbers!

Chunky: Wait a minute! The official strategy guide didn't say anything about this.

Diddy: (to Chunky) Forget about the stupid guide! (to Cortez) ...And who are you?

Cortez: I be Cortez, the most feared pirate in the Seven Seas!

Dixie: I thought you retired.

Cortez: You're not supposed to know that! Now, my mateys, I shall take you to my pirate island!

Diddy: Where is that?

Cortez: You'll find out soon enough...

Three days later...

Chunky: Is it soon enough yet?

Cortez: No. Just wait.

Three days later...

Lanky: Now?

Cortez: Not yet.

Three days later...

Cortez: Oops, I think we passed it.

The ship turns around. A few hours later...

Cortez: We're here!

All the Kongs are seen with fake white beards, including Dixie and Tiny.

Diddy: Well it's about time!

Cortez: Get yer lazy butts off this here ship. We be setting foot on Keelhaul Key.

Tiny: Keelhaul Key?

Pa-Patch runs up to the group.

Pa-Patch: Greetings, traveler. I am Pa-Patch, and I am the leader of this here non-pirates.

Kiddy: Non-pirates?!

Lanky: But I thought he was a pirate...

Pa-Patch: Naw, he retired and now just ferries people around.

Dixie: I knew it!

Pa-Patch: Hey, you're on a mission, right?

Diddy: Yeah...

Pa-Patch: A friend o' mine was kidnapped and taken in the caverns below the island. My friend is another Bob-omb, 'cept he has a white moustache, a captainís hat, and he's red. Can ya find 'im?

Diddy: Well...

Dixie: We'd love to!

Pa-Patch: Great! I'll show you the way!

Pa-Patch and the monkeys/apes leave. A barrel frozen solid washes up on shore, dumping a frozen Iggy out and rolling away. A Toad walks up to him.

Toad: Oh boy! I always wanted a frozen Iggy doll!

He picks up Iggy and walks away.

Tiny: Wait.

Everyone stops.

Tiny: I'm a ninja supporter! I refuse to work with pirates, even though they aren't pirates anymore.

Dixie: And I refuse to work with a ninja supporter!

Tiny: Ninjas are so much cooler than pirates. They have stealth.

Dixie: But pirates can leave curses on their treasure! Ninjas? They don't even HAVE treasure.

Everyone else sighs, and leaves Tiny and Dixie to their debate. They keep traveling to the caverns Pa-Patch was talking about.

They reach the cavern. Peaking inside, they see that the cave has been turned
into a mine.

Pa-Patch: What happened here?

A Koopa Troopa wearing a mining hat walks by. He sees the group.

Koopa Troopa: Hey, do you guys have any bananas? My boss Roy Koopa said we could stop working if we found some.

They shake their heads (except for Pa-Patch, who is physically incapable of performing said task).

Koopa Troopa: Darn. That Bob-omb he kidnapped isn't helping.

Pa-Patch: Did you say Bob-omb? What did he look like?

Koopa Troopa: Well, it was an old geezer with an obviously fake moustache, a wheel of a ship stuck on his back, and some cheap admiral hat you can find in gift shops. Oh, and he was sunburned.

Pa-Patch: ... You better not be referring to good ol' Bobbery...

Koopa: Oh, no, Bobbery was the other Bob-omb we kidnapped.

Everyone else: ...

Koopa: I just made a big mistake, didn't I?

Pa-Patch: I believe you just did. I suggest you let those kidnapees go or I'll be forced to blow your beak clear off your noggin.

Diddy: And while you're at it, you tell your boss to give back our imprisoned friend!

Koopa Troopa: Yeah right. You, a misshaped gang of Mushroomers and Bob-ombs, and some dang, dirty apes against over a thousand of us miners? Puh-leez.

Kiddy: Hey. Me change.

Toad #1: And I was born with this lazy eye. Deal with it.

Koopa Troopa: I don't care; we're still going to beat you!

The Koopa Troopa blows a whistle, summoning the rest of the miners. They start to approach the group.

Pa-Patch: Stand back.

The rest of the group does so as Pa-Patch lets loose a Bob-omb Blast.

...

A sky-blue Yoshi is happily sitting on the beach of Yoshi's Island. He is sniffing a flower, looking off at the ocean. Suddenly, the island shakes, a large explosion becomes visible, and a boom can be heard. The Yoshi runs away.

...

Needless to say, the cave explodes. All of the Koopa Troopas (including Roy) are blown away. The monkeys/apes and the others (including Bobbery) are also blown away, but in a different direction. The force of the explosion also carries the Toad with Iggy with Roy. A Kremling that we all know and love can also be noticed being blown away, but no one pays attention to him anyways.

Meanwhile, Funky, Candy, Cranky, and Swanky are building buildings.

Candy: How long does it take to build one of these in each world? They'll finish the adventure before we even build a single house!

Cranky: Bah! Back in my day, we had to build our own houses out of straw.

Wherever the mining Koopas land...

Roy: Ugh, where are we?

Iggy (no longer frozen): Where are the Kongs? I must help them!

Iggy runs off. The Toad that was carrying him starts chasing him.

Toad: Wait, I didn't mean what I said!

Roy: What is his problem?

The group all land on a deserted island. Well, not entirely deserted, if you count the Tribal Guys that hate monkeys. When the Tribal Guys see Diddy, Tiny, and Dixie, they run over and start to pummel the three up.

Chieftain: WE HATE YOU MONKEYS! GO AWAY!

Just then, Krocknus lands on the island. If there is one thing the Tribal Guys hate more than monkeys, it's crocodiles. So, naturally, they chase him.

Diddy: ... Okaaaaay...

Dixie: I think we should stay away from them.

Lanky: Where are we, anyway?

Tiny: I don't know. Maybe one of you could ask those Tribal Guys.

Kiddy Kong begins to crawl away. The others notice this and follow him to a passion fruit tree covered in fruit looking suspiciously like bananas, but that actually isnít. They know this because when they try them, they taste nasty.

Diddy: Blech! Well, this isn't gonna help.

The tree turns out to be a cannon in disguise. It swallows them and shoots them out.

Diddy: AARRGGHH! It was a trap!

Chunky: The Official Player's Guide says that we get blasted out of a cannon to the Mushroom Kingdom, where we face off against Morton Koopa.

Dixie: Way to ruin the plot, Chunky.

Chunky: Sorry.

The group lands somewhere within the Mushroom Kingdom with bruises and scrapes. Diddy dusts himself off from the landing and sees Pa-patch right beside him.

Diddy: Hey, there was something that bothered me. Wouldn't detonating yourself, you know, kill you?

Pa-patch: Of course we don't die.

Diddy: But you exploded back there! How can that be possible?

Pa-patch: Well, it's simple really. You see...

Suddenly, Krocknus pops up right out of nowhere and gives the rest of the Kongs a scare with a loud yell. It is successful.

Lanky: Ahh! What did you do that for?

Krocknus: Oh, I just felt like scaring you.

Dixie: Well, I didn't care, but I did notice you were being chased by rabid natives back at that island.

Krocknus: Um... No I wasn't.

Chunky: Well, that settles that.

Krocknus: Well, I'll see you Kongs later.

Krocknus takes out a gray, metallic ball and throws it upon the ground, making a big puff of smoke that engulfs the Kremling. The Kremling laughs with great power as the smoke clears, showing that he never left. When he ceases laughing, he realizes he forgot to leave and runs quickly.

Chunky: What a strange little reptile.

Pa-patch: ...And that's pretty much it.

Diddy: Wow, it was simpler than I thought. Hey, what about your kidnapped friend?

Pa-patch: I'm positive that he'll be with your kidnapped friend. Now, let's go.

Morton: Not so fast!

The Kongs turn around to see Morton.

Morton: I, the great, magnificent, amazing, outstanding, wonderful, majestic, superb, cool Morton am going to defeat you with my scary, fearful, destructive, powerful-

Kiddy stuffs a pillow into Morton's mouth. Morton takes the pillow out.

Morton: Um... I never really understood why people stuff things in my mouth to keep me from talking, because I can easily remove it, and it's not like I'm stupid enough to think I can't remove... I guess if you shoved it down my throat, it would make sense, but-

Kiddy shoves another pillow down Morton's throat, which makes him choke. The Kongs walk past Morton. They meet up with Iggy.

Iggy: PLEASE LET ME COME WITH YOU I PROMISE I WON'T WHINE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE.

All the Kongs: ALL RIGHT! JUST SHUT UP!

Iggy: Thank you! Thank you! Hey, uh, where's my brother? I heard he was guarding this area.

Morton runs by with a pillow lodged in his throat. He makes choking sounds as the pillow tickles and clogs his throat.

Iggy: About time someone found an effective way to shut him up. Now, let's continue. I know the way to my dad's castle.

Our heroes walk/crawl/handstand until they reach Toad Town.

Diddy: *huff, puff, huff* Let's stay at the inn... I'm getting tired.

Lanky: Yeah, I guess.

They buy rooms at the inn. In Diddy and Dixie's room...

Dixie: All right, state your case. DO YOU LIKE PIRATES OR NINJAS BETTER?

Diddy: Well...

Dixie: YOU HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE A NINJA SUPPORTER!

Diddy: No, I didn't mean-

Dixie slams Diddy with her pillow.

In Chunky and Kiddy's room...

Kiddy: Ga ga.

Chunky: Hey, you're right! The strategy guide says that the inn is only good for healing HP. We have no reason to be here.

In Tiny and Pa-Patch's room...

Tiny: State your-

Well, actually, it is pretty much the equivalent to Diddy and Dixie's.

On the bench outside the inn...

Iggy: Ugh... I can't believe they left me out here.

At that moment, a sound is heard outside.

Iggy: What's that noise?

Everyone rushes outside to see a big UFO that lands where the others are. Princess Shroob comes out.

Princess Shroob: #*%()#@&*#@$*(@*T@^

Diddy: What did she say?

Lanky: I dunno. I don't speak alien.

Chunky: The strategy guide says that we should bow before her or face her wrath.

Diddy: We need to find DK. Let's ignore her.

Diddy and the gang dash towards the left, but many Shroobs block their way.

Tiny: ... Um, lets go another way.

They realize that all the Shroobs have them cornered.

Iggy: Oh snap.

The Shroobs close in as they whip out their laser guns and Princess Shroob starts cackling like mad.

Dixie: This is no good at all.

At that moment, the Kongs and Iggy fall through a trap door. Pa-patch can't fit inside it. The Kongs/Iggy run down a hall to see Wendy text messaging someone. She notices them.

Wendy: Um, I'm certainly not text messaging an alien race to help me look for bananas and take you heroes out of existence.

English Shroob: HELP! This crazy woman is text messaging an alien race to help her look for bananas and take you heroes out of existence!

Chunky: ... Well that was convenient.

Diddy: Um, why are you looking for bananas?

Wendy: King Dad has to have them in order to calm down some big, hairy ape with a tie.

Tiny: DK! Give him back!

Wendy uses her text messenger to type out a message and presses send. Suddenly, Tiny's text messenger rings an annoying, beeping ringtone similar to the Starman theme. She checks her inbox and reads her message.

Tiny: lol ur kiddin rite?!1?/1

Lanky: Well, that was unnecessary.

Chunky analyzes the message.

Chunky: And poorly spelled. Everyone knows that "kiddin" has three d's.

Diddy: Right... Don't make us hurt you.

Wendy: Don't you dare lay a greasy, simian hand on my beautiful face!

Chunky: I was talking to him.

Wendy: Oh. Well, you still can't, so be glad you were forewarned!

The Kongs stare at each other for a few seconds. Then they run over and beat up Wendy.

Wendy: AUGH! STOP! YOU'RE MESSING EVERYTHING UP!

Diddy: We won't stop 'til you give us Donkey Kong back!

Wendy: All right, I was hoping I wasn't going to have to use this!

...

A group of charred Kongs fall onto Lavalava Island.

Diddy: Geez, where did she get that Super Scope?

Dixie: I don't care what it was, how in the world did it hurt so much?

As they get up, they see Funky's shack off in the distance.

Tiny: Funky!

They run over.

Funky: Well, hello, little dudes! I see ya made it all the way over here! Ooh, you look like you lost a fight! Tell ya what: if ya c'n get me a melon from the top of that giant tree, I'll give ya armor that'll protect ya from serious damage!

The Kongs (excluding Funky, of course), eager to get themselves armor, run off.

When they get to the tree, Diddy tries to get the melon first. He starts to climb up the tree that contains the giant melon (specifically, a watermelon). He is doing quite well and he approaches the melon when he is high enough. Just when he is going to grab it, he loses his grip on the tree and is going to fall but he whips his tail around the melon. He starts pulling on the melon as hard as possible. Its vine snaps, then Diddy and the melon tumble down.

Diddy: Woohoo! I got the melon!

He is so overjoyed that he forgets the fact of gravity. He smashes into the ground, then the melon falls out of his hands and rolls away deeper into the jungle.

Dixie: Get that melon!

Everyone but Diddy dashes off. They chase the watermelon into the volcano. Inside the volcano, a White Magikoopa riding his broom swoops down and grabs the melon before flying off.

Dixie: Lanky! Use your arms!

Lanky stretches his arms out to a ridiculous length before grabbing the fruit in the Magikoopa's clutches. The two play tug-of-war a little before the Magikoopa slips and lets go. Lanky goes to give the melon to Dixie, but his hands are sweaty, so it slips through. They begin chasing the melon more as it rolls deeper into Mt. Lavalava. The melon rolls and rolls until it stops in a nest of sleeping Piranha Plants. A Piranha Plant wakes up and promptly eats the melon.

Lanky: Now how are we going to get the melon?

Tiny: I could shrink...

Dixie: But you'd need a barrel to do that, wouldn't you?

Chunky: Or she could use this Mini Mushroom that I've conveniently had in my pocket for some time...

The other Kongs stare at him.

Chunky: What?

Tiny: Never mind that, just give it to me!

Chunky hands Tiny the Mini Mushroom, and she swallows it. She shrinks in size to about an inch tall. She hops into the carnivorous plant's mouth. Tiny slides down the Piranha Plant's throat. She lands in the Piranha Plant's stomach and sees the melon. With the almost-digested, heavy melon in her grasp, Tiny just realizes that she can't reach back up into the throat and that itís the only way out.

Tiny: Well, this is a pickle. What am I supposed to do?

Tiny concentrates on an escape route. If she doesn't find a way out fast, she'll be digested along with the melon. Suddenly, a conveniently-placed, lightweight rope is found drifting in the digestive juices.

Tiny: Thank you, plot holes!

Tiny uses the rope as a lasso and with all her strength, she throws it up and the rope gets caught in the uvula. Tiny pulls the rope to cause the Piranha Plant to gag. The Piranha Plant suddenly spews out the melon and her. The melon gets a little banged up from being upchucked, but it's in okay condition nonetheless. Tiny shakes off the disgusting nausea and jumps in the barrel. With the melon at hand, the Kongs sprint to Funky posthaste and give it right to him.

Funky: Feels slobbery. Well, you got the melon, so here you go.

Funky throws the armor to Diddy, who is knocked out and buried from the heaviness of the load.

Diddy: Ow...

Later...

A boat containing the Kongs arrives on shore just before it sinks. The Kongs, all dressed in ridiculously-heavy armor, walk onto land. They continue walking in a random direction before they find Wendy. She runs over.

Wendy: Oh, it's you again! And you're wearing armor this time. Well, that armor can't withstand the power of my Super Scope!

Wendy charges up a shot and fires it at Chunky Kong, who got his armor a bit muddy before leaving Lavalava Island. The fully-charged shot hits Chunky, but it hardly fazes him.

Wendy: Huh. That armor must be pretty tough. I'll take out the little monkey.

Wendy aim at Diddy Kong. She charges up her shot and fires it. Diddy's armor, in contrast with Chunky's, is very clean, so the shot reflects off the armor and hits Wendy, who manages a whimper before flying away. All of the Kongsí armor falls off comically.

Diddy: That worked.

They continue in the direction of Bowser's castle. And continue. And continue. And continue still. Everyone decides to rest and catch their breath.

Diddy: How long... have we been... walking?

Lanky: I think... about a mile... and a half.

Dixie: This is getting us nowhere. We need to find a faster way to get to the castle.

Tiny: Hey, look!

The other Kongs turn their heads around to see what Tiny is looking at, and see a bunch of motorcycles, enough for them all to be carried on.

Lanky: That's convenient.

They ran over to them, but as they got close, a Koopa Troopa with spiked yellow and blue hair slides in front of them, blocking them from them.

Koopa Troopa: Sorry, dudes, but I can't, like, give you these bikes.

Tiny: How come?

Koopa Troopa: 'Cause these awesome bikes are for the contest, dudes.

Diddy: Contest?

Koopa Troopa: Yeah, man! I'm holding a Rock and Roll competition, and the winning band get to keep the gnarly bikes.

Dixie: Well, that's too bad. I guess-

Chunky: WE'LL ENTER!

Diddy, Dixie, Kiddy, Tiny, and Lanky look at Chunky. The Koopa Troopa grins.

Koopa Troopa: Well, dudes, you're in now. If ya want more info, just call me. The name's Troopé. Later!

Troopé walks off.

Tiny: Hey, why'd you enter us?

Chunky: We have instruments, remember?

Lanky: Nah, we sold 'em.

Diddy: Well, we DO have these DK Bongos...

Chunky: Those are a disgrace to a certain company that shall not be named due to reasons that I shall not mention. We can't use those!

Diddy: Any other ideas?

Chunky: ... No.

Ludwig walks out of seemingly nowhere.

Ludwig: Ha! You'll NEVER beat me in the competition and rescue that big ape!

Iggy: Ludwig! Why do you need those bikes anyways?

Ludwig: Like I'd ever tell you, traitor, that I'm planning on using the parts from that bike to make a banana collecting machine!

Everyone Else: ...

Ludwig: Oh, um, THIS CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENENED.

Ludwig darts off.

Kiddy: Goo.

Chunky: Kiddy says that the strategy guide says Ludwig's a pushover in this part of the game. We'll have no trouble beating him.

Ludwig appears on a nearby stage where the contest is taking place. He plays his guitar VERY well. Dixie grabs the guide from Kiddy and tosses it away.

Troopé' (on intercom): It is now the Kongsí turn to play. Please come to the stage.

The Kongs do so, pull out their DK Bongos, and play horribly. They finish their song and wait a while for the other contestants to finish. The announcing of the awards begins.

Troopé': Here are the results: Ludwig von Koopa gets first place! He wins a toy truck!

Ludwig's jaw drops.

Troopé': For the last place consolation prize, the Kongs win a set of motorcycles!

Tiny: The DK Bongo's horribleness saved us!

Iggy: Woo!

The Kongs ride off on the bikes while Ludwig just stands there, speechless.

Troopé': And in second to last place is an unnamed Kremling who wins a spaceship!

A Kremling we all know and love snickers and blasts off in a rocket.

Dixie: Where to next?

The Kongs' motorcycles trip over rocks, making them roll down a hill and onto a sign.

Chunky: Well that was weird. Let's get to Bowser's Castle now!

They read the sign, and it says "Bowser's Castle - Dead ahead" on it.

Diddy: How convenient. Let's go!

They are then launched from a spring onto a doomship.

Bowser Jr: BAH! What are you doing on my ship?

A nearby Goomba rolls his eyes.

Goomba: If I remember, this is actually Larry's...

Bowser Jr: Shush!

Lanky: Well, we were randomly launched by spring onto the ship.

Bowser Jr: Hah! You fell for MY trap that I placed there!

Goomba: If I remember, a Hammer Brother set that up...

Bowser Jr: Shush! Now, let's see... What should I do with you?

Diddy: You could drop us in lava...

Bowser Jr: Hey, that's a good idea!

Dixie: Why'd you say that for?

Diddy: (whispering) You'll see.

Bowser Jr: No, better! I'll feed you to the Piranha Plants!

Diddy: How 'bout letting us go?

Bowser Jr: Hey, that's- WAIT, I'M NOT DUMB.

Diddy: Darn.

Meanwhile, inside the doomship, a Koopa is in the bathroom with a camera.

Koopa: Omigosh! I never get to go with Bowser Jr, but now I'm here! I'm so excited that I could just- Whoops!

The Koopa drops the camera into the toilet. It automatically flushes, and the toilet overflows.

Koopa: MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Weíre going down!

The doomship falls and crashes into Bowser's Castle. The emergency escape door pops open, and everyone walks out, very dizzy. Bowser Jr, the Goomba, and the Koopa fall to the floor. The Kongs shake off the dizziness and take a look at where they are.

Diddy: That was convenient...

The Kongs start running around. They continue to run. They run more. More running commences. And- you guessed it- they run more. Finally, they stop. They have absolutely no idea where they are.

Lanky: Okay, how do we get through?

Dixie: Kiddy, what does the strategy guide say?

Kiddy turns around and pouts.

Dixie: Oh, yeah, I threw it away. Darn.

Diddy: Well, now what?

Chunky: We could use that "YOU ARE HERE" map placed conveniently in front of us...

The other Kongs stare at Chunky.

Chunky: What?

Lanky: Never mind.

They open the door to see Bowser with Donkey Kong.

DK: Yo! Kongs, I knew you'd get here.

Diddy: DK! Give DK back, you bully.

Kiddy: Bully!

Bowser: Ha! You want him, come and get him!

The Kongs charge at him, only to be stopped by Lemmy, Roy, and Larry.

Roy: No one touches King Dad without getting through us!

Diddy: Let's fight!

Roy: I think they think they can beat us. Hahahaha.

Chunky punches Roy.

Roy: Ouch.

Larry starts to spin in his shell and goes toward Diddy while he's spinning in his shell.

Bowser: (to DK) Hey, how did they get back in here after I kicked them out?

DK: Magic?

Bowser: Yeah, I gotta take away their magic wands the next time I kick them out of the castle.

Diddy uses his jetpack to avoid Larry. Larry stops spinning in his shell.

Larry: How didn't I hit you?!

Diddy Kong jumps on Larry's head.

Larry: Ouch! I'm gonna beat you up!

Diddy: Are you sure about that?

Larry: Of course I'm sure!

Chunky Kong punches Roy.

Roy: What the...? How did you...? Well, it must've been a lucky shot. You can't hit me again.

Chunky hits Roy again.

Roy: Okay, I dropped my guard, but now you can't punch me!

Chunky punches Roy again.

Roy: Wha- but- how- GAH! This won't happen again!

Roy begins to punch Chunky without actually fazing him. Chunky winds up a punch and smacks Roy all the way into Larry. They both fall down.

Diddy: Nice one!

Chunky: Thanks.

Lemmy, hiding in the back, uses his magic wand and starts to attack Lanky.

Lemmy: Ha! Take this.

Lanky just stretches his arms out and smacks Lemmy. After Lemmy gets hit, the wand slips out of his hand. Lanky stretches his arm and grabs the wand.

Lanky: This could come in handy.

Lemmy: Oh no! Now what am I going to do?!

Lanky fires the wand everywhere, not hitting Lemmy.

Lemmy: ... Man, you have horrible wand skills.

DK: Uh oh. My instincts are coming on again...

DK goes crazy and does his usual stuff.

Bowser: Pipe down, monkey, and enjoy the show.

DK pounds the cage, making the bars break and destroying the cage. DK jumps out of the cage and roars.

Bowser: ... Ah crud.

DK engages Bowser in a cartoon cloud fight. At that moment, Iggy jumps in through a nearby window.

Iggy: Those stupid authors... Forgetting that I existed and leaving me behind.

Everyone Else, besides DK and Bowser: ... Go away.

Iggy: Make me!

Lanky shoots Iggy with a blast from the wand, and he is repelled back into the cartoony cloud fight.

Iggy: Ow... That smarts.

Bowser: Augh! Get this hairy beast off me!

Diddy: We'll save you, DK!

All of the Kongs jump into the cloud.

Roy: Oh no you don't!

The Koopalings follow the Kongs into the cloud. Nearby, a Hammer Bro. is watching.

Hammer Bro: Eh, why not?

He jumps into the cloud that is a fight. Finally, Lanky Kong accidentally freezes everyone else in the room. The cloud disappears.

Lanky: ... Right then.

Lanky drags the frozen Donkey Kong into another room to thaw. The two go back to get other Kongs, but by that time everyone else has thawed and the other Kongs have been shoved into a cage by Bowser.

Bowser: Ha! If you want the Kongs back, you'll have to follow me and climb up vines to get the key and push the key into the cages' locks similar to how Donkey Kong Jr. did in Donkey Kong Jr!

Everyone stares at Bowser.

Bowser: ... What?

Roy: Never mind, let's go!

DK: Hey! Isn't this the same cage I destroyed?

Bowser: Uh...

DK breaks the cage again and shoves Bowser, Roy, Lemmy, Larry, Iggy, and the Hammer Brother into another cage that is unbreakable.

DK: Come on, guys! Let's go home.

Diddy: This adventure is finally over.

The Kongs jump out the window and into the Funkychopper.

Tiny: Where'd the Funkychopper come from?

Funky: I got here, yo! I knew you'd get DK, so I brought the chopper over here. Funkylicious, eh?

Chunky: Oookay. Thanks for the help, Funky.

DK: C'mon, guys! Let's go back to the one place I love: DK Isle!

The Kongs fly off for DK Isle.

Bowser: This isn't over, monkeys! You better believe I'm coming for you again!

Iggy: King Dad?

Bowser: Silence!

Iggy: Errr...

Bowser: Now how are we going to get out of this cage?

Iggy: I don't know.

Roy: Beats me.

Lemmy: Go figure.

Larry: Wish I knew.

Hammer Bro: Dunno.

Bowser: Great.

And so the Kongs lived happily ever after. Cranky, Candy, and Swanky, who didnít get any airtime, were very upset about this (mostly Cranky), but they soon forgot about it and donít care anymore (well, actually, Cranky complained for a few weeks before he finally gave up). Krocknus was later found on the moon in the remnants of the X-Naut base by Shy Guy astronauts, who managed to coax him into using the teleporter to go to Rogueport, where he lives today. Bowser and the others were eventually freed by Bowser Jr, Wendy, Morton, and Ludwig. Bowser promptly forgot his threat about getting back at the Kongs and went back to scheming on how to get Peach again.

The End

Credit goes to Bear, Dylan, MJ, Pokemaniac Joe, Antwan, Neko the Shygal, Super Ice Climber, and Freezy Toad for writing, editing, suggesting, or in any way enhancing this story.

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