Leg 10, Part 4
Team Head - Peach's Castle
Iggy: Aw man! Wario got to Peach's Castle! We're too late!
Larry: WAIT! What's this note?
Larry and Iggy start reading the note as Wario fails to bite the lock off of the castle door.
Team Head: YEAH! WE'RE STILL IN THIS, BABY! WHOOOOOOO!!!
Iggy: Wait, what's this?
PS. Some rabbit stole the key to the castle, so if you wanna get in, CATCH THAT RABBIT!
Larry: All right, let's catch some rabbits!
Iggy: Wait, why don't we just break into the castle?
PSS. Breaking into the castle will get you shot at by a very large laser.
Iggy: Oh...
As Waluigi fearfully runs away from the rabbit, Iggy and Larry try to catch it. However, as most people know, the rabbits are HARD to catch. Eventually, the rabbit trips over Waluigi's foot and drops the key.
Waluigi: WAAAHHHH!!! THE KEY IS SO SCARY! IT COULD UNLOCK THE DOOR TO A MONSTER, OR WORSE: A ROCK! WAAAHHHHH!!!
Waluigi randomly throws the key into the air. Miraculously, it hits Wario's head and jumps right into the keyhole.
Team Head: YES!
Wario: OH, THAT'S IT, KEY, YOU'RE GOING DOWN!
Through nothing that can be described as less than an idiotic temper tantrum, Wario throws the key into the castle moat. A minute later, Larry is strangling Wario while Iggy is swimming for the key.
Iggy: Hm... I wonder where that key could be.
Suddenly, Iggy spots a light from the key. He swims toward it... only to find it trapped between two black bricks.
Iggy: DARN IT!
Iggy has to resurface for air just as Petey and Boomer get there. Well, Petey's carrying Boomer since his lower legs no longer work, but you get the point.
Petey: Hm?
One read-through later...
Boomer: ALL RIGHT! WE WILL SURVIVE!
Iggy: NOT QUITE!
Petey and Boomer turn to see Iggy in the moat.
Boomer: Whatda you doing in there?
Iggy: The Idiot Bros. threw the key in between two black bricks, and I CAN'T GET IT OUT!
Petey: Hm...
Petey walks over to Larry and Wario.
Larry: You need anything?
Petey: May I borrow your idiot?
Larry: Help yourself.
Petey throws Wario into the moat. Wario's fatness breaks open the black block, causing the lightweight key to float to the surface. Iggy picks it up and unlocks the castle.
Iggy: ALL RIGHT! WE'RE-
Suddenly, everyone in the race tramples Iggy in order to get inside the castle.
Iggy: ...in?
As Iggy slowly removes himself from the floor, everyone gazes around at the ugly castle.
Larry: Daisy's was much better.
Waluigi: DAISY IS MUCH SCARIER THAN PEACH! BECAUSE SHE HAS ROBOTS! WAAAHHHH!!!
Boomer: Where to first?
Everyone Else: BOB-OMB BATTLEFIELD! DUH!
All of the teams storm off toward Bob-omb Battlefield. However, Boomer holds Petey's shorts, stopping him from going.
Petey: WHAT GIVES?!
Boomer: I have a better idea.
Teams Head and Garlic - Bob-omb Battlefield
Both teams land in the raging battlefield.
Wario: I still hate that Piranha Plant... Say, where is he?
Larry: I'm pretty sure he bailed.
Wario: AND I HATE YOU TOO, LARRY!
As Wario starts strangling Larry, Iggy tries to converse with Waluigi.
Iggy: A ROCK!
Waluigi: WHERE?! WAAAHHHH!!!
Waluigi runs past Koopa the Quick.
Koopa T. Quick: Oh, that's it. IT'S ON, STICK MAN!
Koopa tries to race Waluigi. However, the purple one is easily to the top of the mountain by the time that Koopa T. Quick gets up that slope that only HE can run. Unfortunately, someone else is on the mountaintop.
Big Bob-omb: HOW DARE YOU ENTER THE KING'S RING?! PREPARE FOR A KNOCKOUT!
Big Bob-omb, mysteriously, is wearing boxing gloves. Suddenly, gloves appear on Waluigi.
Waluigi: OH YEAH! BOXING IS THE ULTIMATE SPORT! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!
Big Bob-omb: You mean you're not scared?
Waluigi: OH UNDERWHERE, NO! BOXING IS MY ULTIMATE PASSTIME! LET'S SEE YOU LOSE!
Big Bob-omb and Waluigi throw simotaneous punches while the Rocky III theme plays in the background.
Meanwhile...
Iggy: So it's settled. I'll get the Red Coins, while Larry gets the floating platform thing's coin.
Larry: And you'll free the Chain Chomp, isn't that right, tough guy?
Wario: WAH HAH HAH! WARIO IS THE GREATEST!
Wario goes up to the Chain Chomp.
Chain Chomp: GAROOOOOO!
Wario: Ah shut up.
Wario just sits on the post, freeing the Chain Chomp. The Chomp tries to eat Wario, but then realizes that it's free. It then takes down a gate holding a few character coins (as I have so aptly named the Star substitutes), and jumps out of the level.
Wario: WAH HAH HAH! Wario is great!
Wario picks up his and Waluigi's character coin. Suddenly, he feels inclined to give the peace sign toward no one in particular. A second later, Wario is out of the level.
Wario: That... was wierd.
Petey and Boomer - Elsewhere
Team Muddy is outside in Peach's Courtyard.
Petey: How are you sure this will work?
Boomer: Trust me...
Petey: But the courtyard didn't become possessed until Mario beat Bowser that first time!
Boomer: DON'T DOUBT ME! They'll be here.
Petey: Why?
Boomer: It's night.
Indeed, it is nightime outside. Suddenly, several Boos, including one slightly larger than the rest, appear outisde.
Boomer: TAKE DOWN THE BIG ONE!
Petey doesn't just take down the big one, he hardens it with mud, thrashes it, and then eats it whole. He then does the same to the rest of the Boos.
Boomer: YOU FOOL! Now how are we going to get-
Suddenly, Petey disappears. In his place is a little toy haunted mansion.
Boomer: Oh, I guess that answers that question.
Boomer suddenly shrinks down to microscopic size and enters the mansion.
Team Muddy - Big Boo's Haunt
Petey and Boomer are in front of a large mansion that isn't quite as large or fearsome as Luigi's.
Boomer: All right, I'll take the odd shack, you'll tackle the mansion.
Petey: I HAVE A BETTER IDEA!
Petey flies up to the mansion's balcony, where a Big Boo is.
Big Boo: GAAHH!!! HOW'D YOU GET HERE SO FAST?!
Petey: I can fly.
Big Boo: Oh... DIE!!!
Petey subdues this ghost the same way he did with the rest in the courtyard. However, instead of eating it, he smashes it into a lot of pieces. Suddenly, a character coin with Petey and Boomer on it appears.
Petey: No other ones?
Ghostly Voice: They'll get theirs when they're ready.
Petey: Fair enough.
Petey takes the coin and disappears. Five seconds later, he reappears in front of the mansion.
Petey: Well, that was anticlimactic.
Boomer - The Shack
Boomer has taken the elevator down to the Merry-Go-Round level. The awesome music is playing around at double the volume, giving Boomer a headache.
Boomer: TOO MUCH NOISE!
Suddenly, three Boos come out from hiding in paintings around the Merry-go-Round and begin chasing Boomer around the room. However, Boomer is getting nowhere, because he's too slow to run the Merry-go-Round backwards, and the picture that shoots flames is right behind him.
Boomer: THIS IS SO... ANNOYING!
Boomer suddenly jumps high into the air, just as the Boos lunge at him. For some reason, they all perish due to the flames from the evil Boo picture. Suddenly, a Boomer and Petey character coin appears in the middle.
Ghastly Voice: The others will get what's coming to them...
Boomer grabs the coin and disappears. Five seconds later, he's back in front of the mansion.
Boomer: Yep, seriously anticlimactic.
Teams Head and Garlic - Bob-omb Battlefield
As Koopa T. Quick gets all the way up the mountain, he sees that Waluigi has lit Big Bob-omb's fuse. Both are black-and-blue in the face.
Koopa T. Quick: HOLY QUIXOTIC QUIZMO!
Waluigi: Lame.. .AND THAT'S SO SCARY! WAAAHHH!!!
Waluigi knocks into Koopa T. Quick, causing the Koopa to slide into his shell.
Big Bob-omb and Koopa: Oh fudgecakes.
Small Explosion
Iggy: Wha? It wasn't big?
Suddenly, character coins for Iggy, Larry, Wario, and Waluigi rain down from the mountaintop. There are two for each team.
Waluigi: IT'S JUST SO SCARY!
Waluigi hides behind the coin, causing him to teleport next to Wario, who is shaking down one of those Toads in the castle walls.
Wario: WHERE ARE ALL OF THE-A COINS WITH MY FACE ON THEM?!
Toad: HONESTLY! I DON'T KNOW!
Wario slams the Toad into the floor. Meanwhile, he sees that Waluigi has been struck by fear and is hiding between two more character coins.
Wario: ALL RIGHT! WAY TO GO, IDIOT!
Wario walks out of the room with his belongings (and Waluigi), and places one of his coins into a door. It magically opens, revealing Whomp's Fortress.
Wario: LET'S-A GO!
Team Head - Bob-omb Battlefield
After a few minutes of trying, Iggy and Larry have retrieved their three coins.
Larry: This level is getting boring.
Iggy takes the easy coin from the Island in the Sky. Larry then takes the red coins that Iggy forgot to get, making their coin total five.
Larry: ALL RIGHT! THIS IS GETTING DUMB! LET'S GO TO SOME OTHER PLACE!
Iggy and Larry exit the level and see the door to Whomp's Fortress open.
Larry: Should we?
Iggy: Nah! Let's try Cool, Cool Mountain.
The Koopalings unlock the Cool, Cool Mountain door and start playing.
Iggy: All right, I'll take the slide.
Larry: And I'll take the dumb pengiun.
Larry snatches up a small pengiun while Iggy jumps into some random house with a giant ice slide inside. After a lot of time looking for the teleporter, Larry finds it and goes down to Mama Pengiun.
Mama Penguin: THAT'S NOT MY BABY! IT'S UGLY!
Larry shrugs and takes the other penguin baby on top of another house.
Mama Penguin: THAT BABY IS EVEN UGLIER!
Larry: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME!
Suddenly, a Goomba hits Larry in the back of the head with its foot.
Larry: Oh, it's go time.
Mama Penguin: MY BABY!
Mama Penguin begins hugging the Goomba like a child.
Larry: But... but...
Mama Penguin: We have a far-extended family. TAKE THIS COIN AS A TOKEN OF MY GRATITUDE.
Larry is about to grab the coin from Mama Penguin, when Iggy emerges from another house with a snowcone, bucket of sludge, and bacon greese all over himself.
Iggy: I don't want to talk about it...
Larry: O-o-okay...
Both take their coins and finish the level.
Team Muddy - Peach's Castle
Eventually, Petey and Boomer have sucked every last Character Coin out of Big Boo's Haunt, even the one earned by collecting 100 Coins.
Petey: How many coins does it take to get into the Dark World?
Boomer: Eight...
Petey: GREAT! WE'RE SHORT A POP!
Boomer: Wait... Whomp's Fortress is open. And so is Cool, Cool Mountain...
Petey: And your point?
Boomer: Well, the Idiot Bros. probably got lucky with Waluigi being scared of a rock and beating Koopa T. Quick or something, and just spent their money as soon as they could. Meanwhile, the Koopalings probably spent their coins wisely and entered Cool, Cool Mountain to get some coins unchallenged, then take back the Wario Bros' scraps.
Petey: AND YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT JUST FROM TWO OPEN DOORS?!
Boomer: Yes. This is why I suggest we deposit all of our coins into the slot and wait. Then, we'll raid the two levels as the idiots fight for the key to the downstairs. At that point, we'll ambush them and have most of the worlds all to ourselves!
Petey: GENIUS!
Boomer inserts all of his and Petey’s coins into a slot next to a door with a large star on it. They then use their remaining coin to hide in the room with the secret slide inside.
Petey: You do the slide.
35 seconds later, Boomer is back with another coin.
Boomer: And now we play the waiting game.
Team Garlic - Whomp's Fortress
Wario and Waluigi have got about four character coins just by shaking down that dumb owl in the tree, specifically, the one in the sky, the one collected from red coins, the "blasting to the star" coin, and the 100 coins. Eventually, Wario drags Waluigi to King Whomp.
King Whomp: OOR! KING WHOMP SMASH YOU LIKE SODA COOLER!
Wario: Wow, a cooler from a can. That's really pathetic.
King Whomp completely crushes Wario into a pancake.
Wario: ... Ouch...
King Whomp: ME CRUSH YOU WORSE THAN SODA COOLER!
Of course, King Whomp completely fails at actually crushing Wario more than one time. Eventually, Waluigi gets scared enough and runs over King Whomp three times, breaking him. One of those idiotic coins with the Wario Bros' faces on them jumps out.
Wario: GRAB IT!
Of course, Waluigi is too scared that King Whomp was made out of rocks to move.
Wario: Oh for the love of...
Waluigi: NO, WARIO! DON'T BE A HERO! IT'S TOO SCARY! THE COIN WILL EAT YOU ALIVE! WHICH IS MEGA SCARY! WAAAHHHH!!!
Wario rolls his eyes and grabs Waluigi as he teleports back to Peach's Castle.
Wario: All right, so that's... SEVEN?! Aw man! Now we have to go through more trouble!
However, when Wario looks at the Star Door, he sees the number "1" on it.
Wario: WAH HAH HAH! IDIOTS!
Wario jams one Character Coin in the slot. Suddenly, the door opens mechanically, revealing a picture of Peach.
Waluigi: THAT PICTURE IS SO SCARY! I KNOW IT'S GOING TO TRANSFORM INTO SOMETHING THAT'LL WANT TO DESTROY ME!
However, Waluigi is right. The closer they get, the more the picture looks like Ronald McDonald.
Waluigi: WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
But then the picture changes into Bowser and Waluigi suddenly falls down a dark pit that appears magically in the floor. Wario jumps down anyway.
Team Head - Cool Cool Mountain
Iggy: HOW DO WE BEAT THAT GUY WITHOUT THE SHORTCUT?!
Iggy and Larry are beating their heads against an ice wall, wondering how they can beat the giant penguin in a sledding competition. However, their tonuges eventually droop out, causing them to stick.
Larry: Aw poot.
Team Muddy - Peach's Castle
Boomer: All right, now that the Dumb Bros. are out, we should be able to collect what we need.
Petey and Boomer go to Bob-omb Battlefield, where they collect the four coins already freed up for them by the other teams. Petey is easily able to fly through several coin rings, earning yet another character coin. Boomer, meanwhile, quickly collects all of the red coins by swinging his boomerang close to them, making it bring the coins back to him. While Boomer is doing this, Petey quickly roars through the level, collecting 100 coins in a matter of minutes.
Boomer: Well, that's everything from this level.
Petey and Boomer, with their superior skills, are able to blast through Whomp's Fortress as well. In fact, they have an even easier time there than Bob-omb Battlefield, since Petey can fly and just bribe the Piranha Plants to get him Stars on the ground. This gives them a grand total of 14 coins.
Petey: Should we risk Cool, Cool Mountain?
Boomer: Nah, let's just work on the ambush.
Team Garlic - Bowser in the Dark World
Wario and Waluigi are at the section where Lil' Sparkies rotate around crystals.
Waluigi: THEY LOOK SO FRIGHTENING! IT'S METAL, ROCK, SHINY, AND ELECTRICITY ALL IN ONE! IT'S LIKE THAT ELECTRICIAN WHO WANTED ME TO PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL! WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Wario: Oh, for the love of...
Wario picks up Waluigi and uses him as a shield against pretty much everything in the level. Eventually (after many, many, MANY tries), the Wario Bros. get to the area with the seesaw bridges.
Waluigi: WAAHHHH!!! I FELL OFF A SEESAW AND HURT MY HEAD! THEY'RE MEAN! WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Wario sighs and throws Waluigi across. However, he himself can't get across because whatever side of the seesaw he's on sinks down instantly, causing him to fall.
Wario: FORGET IT!
Eventually, Wario uses the Corkscrew Conk (from Wario World... he basically launches himself like a cannonball) across every platform. However, he conks his head on a platform that Waluigi was cowering on. This causes Waluigi to shoot up into the air. Wario then advances to the warp pipe with the boss past it.
Wario: Hm... Fireballs... Electric... Fury... I... Have?
Suddenly, Waluigi falls from the sky and knocks Wario into the pipe, where two fan-favorites greet them.
Cackletta: EYEHEHEHEHEHE! You idiots have made the mistake of messing with ME!
Fawful: EYEHEHEHEHEHEHE! Yes, you are the fools of foolishness that have brains of the size of that of a pea! Indeed, your things labeled deaths will be of the swift and painful variety, like execution by lethal injection while being electrocuted.
Wario: -_-
Fawful: I HAVE FURY! FEEL THE WRATH OF US, THE TEAM LABELED TEAM FURY, WHICH WAS DISCARDED LIKE A USELESS HAND IN A GAME OF THAT WHICH IS POKER!
Cackletta begins the battle by shooting off several lightning bolts, all of which hurt Waluigi. The taller two then begin running, trying to predict each others' next move. Well, Cackletta is anyway, Waluigi's probably just running. Eventually, Cackletta gets exhausted and falls to the ground.
Cackletta: FAWFUL! I'VE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP!
However, Fawful is in his own battle right now, too distracted to help his boss. Fawful suddenly takes out a laser from his coat and begins firing it rapidly, laughing in that high-pitched tone everyone loves. However, he is missing horribly, too insane to notice that his shots are actually hitting one of the bombs. Eventually, the bomb can't take much more and...
KA-BOMB!
Waluigi, who was running right in front of the bomb, is blasted right onto Cackletta. The sheer force, not to mention Waluigi's now-flaming clothes, knocks both unconscious.
Fawful: GRRR! FAWFUL TOOK OUT HIS OWN BOSS, LIKE A TRAITOROUS TRAITOR DESCRIBED WITH A METAPHOR AS A SNAKE! I SHALL SPREAD MY VENGEANCE FOR MYSELF AND YOU AS A DRESSING ON A SANDWICH! THE SANDWICH OF YOUR DOOOOM!!!
Wario: Dude... Shut… up.
Fawful: If that is in your wishness, have you readiness for THIS?!
Fawful suddenly takes off his robe, revealing his pink underwear that creeps me out.
Wario: So you're, what, a girl or something?
Fawful: NO, THE GREAT FAWFUL IS NOT IN THE SPECIFIED GENDER THAT HAS TWO OF THOSE WHICH ARE CHOMOSOMES OF THE X VARIETY! I AM JUST MUCH MORE OF THE GREATERNESS THAN YOU WHEN IN MY SUIT OF POWER! IT IS THE BATTERY TO MY GAMEBOY OF VICTORY!
Wario: So... are you a girl or not?
Fawful: COMMENCE DOING THE SHUTTING IN THE UP DIRECTION!
Wario: Up doesn't have a door.
Fawful: CEASE YOUR BICKERING OF THAT ON AN ANNOYING LEVEL! MY FURY HAS BEEN PUSHED TO THE MAXIMUM STAGE OF "DANGEROUSLY CHEESY"!!!
Wario: OH! You're the dumb mascot for a Cheesy Nibblums commercial... All right.
Fawful: YOU GIVE ME SO MUCH... FURY! I HAVE NEVER BECOME TRANSFORMED INTO THE LEVEL OF INFURIATION THAT I HAVE PEAKED AND FALLEN TO AT THE TIME WHICH IS NOW! SNACK ON MY WRATH!
Fawful charges right at Wario. However, all Wario has to do is step out of the way. Before Fawful notices that he missed Wario completely, BAM! He rams right into a bomb and joins the corpse pile in the middle of the arena. Wario walks over.
Wario: This wasn't really a battle, mostly it was just me just insulting you.
Fawful: Ah, but wouldn't the viewers of spacyness by this point in time at this story of infinate longness rather see me, Fawful, and yourself the fat one known as Wario, arguing in a pointless battle of those that are wits?
Wario: True... Was there an insult in there that I missed?
Fawful: To you, I say no. Here, take this key that sparkles like a majestic cup of the glass variety.
Fawful hands Wario a key with his face on it.
Wario: Do you think you could've made a key less ugly?
Fawful: YOU GIVE ME SO MUCH FURY!
Fawful throws Waluigi at Wario. Suddenly, they both warp out.
Fawful: Those idiots of unlimited idoicy are those who I hate at the level of the most! AND MY RIVER OF TEARS FROM MY DEFEAT WILL BE DRUNKEN FROM MY NEXT CHALISE OF VICTORY!
Teams Garlic and Head - Peach's Castle
Eventually, Iggy and Larry get their tongues off of the ice wall (through a very painful process that cannot be described) and end up with five coins from that level. Suddenly, Wario and Waluigi emerge from the star door, their Fawful Key in hand.
Iggy: YOU GOT THE KEY?!
Larry: FAWFUL WAS A BOSS?!
Waluigi: I DIDN'T SAY THE WORD "SCARED" THAT ENTIRE TIME?! THAT'S SO SCARY! WAAAHH!!!
Wario: Uh... Yeah. Let's go downstairs.
The two teams try to go down the stairs to the locked door. However, they find out something...
Wario: I CAN'T MOVE!
Larry: ME NEITHER!
Waluigi: WAAAHHH!!!
Their feet are stuck to the floor by some sort of "icky paint-like goop". Suddenly, Petey flies down in front of them, snatching up the key along the way. Boomer comes out of Petey's mouth.
Boomer: I SAID I WANTED TO RIDE ON YOUR BACK!
Petey: Well SOOOOOORRRRRRY!!!
Petey unlocks the door and enters some of the new levels. Boomer picks a different level to go into.
Wario: So... Any ideas on how we get out?
Larry: Uh... FIREBALL!
Larry makes the goo harden with his fireballs, then breaks it. Iggy does the same with himself, then with Wario and Waluigi.
Wario: WHYYYYYYY?!
Iggy: Whatya mean? We just saved you!
Wario: No, I mean why'd you free him?
Iggy: Oh...
All of the teams head off toward different levels, except for the Wario Bros, since Waluigi needs constant monitoring.
The Dryest Bones - Bowser in the Sky
The Dryest Bones is with all of the other teams (completely alive, free, and not harmed) near a HUGE mat. Everyone is watching teams' progress via a screen held up by a few Sky Meows.
Kamek: Well, this group seems like a bunch of losers. Though that Boomerang Brother is getting crafty...
Bowser: Nope! They're all losers!
The Dryest Bones: THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG! It's been, like, eleventy-bazillion minutes and this race STILL isn't finished. SOMEONE EDIT THE TAPE AND MAKE IT LIKE A MUSIC VIDEO!
Petey is running through Lethal Lava Land. Suddenly, a Mr. I rolls up right next to him and gives him a good zap in the leaves. However, Petey quickly disposes of the eyeball by tossing it into lava. Eventually, Petey gets to the area with the Bowser puzzle, which he easily clears by flying. While he's at it, he snatches everything in the volcano, and cheats on the rolling log problem, too. However, once he gets to Big Bully, he realizes that they are exactly the same height. Both get into a contest of which can look bigger than the other. However, Big Bully takes this to his advantage, and knocks Petey into the lava.
Meanwhile, Boomer is trying to catch the MIPS rabbit in the castle corridors. However, the faster Boomer runs, the faster MIPS goes. Obviously, a rabbit is much faster than a turtle, so MIPS is able to slip away every last time. Eventually, Boomer corners the rabbit next to a wall. Suddenly, two Hot Feet jump out of the castle's torches and begin distracting Boomer, giving MIPS the chance to escape. Eventually, Boomer is set on fire, and tries to go to the pool that warps him to Hazy Maze Cave, but stops after he sees a Toad. He starts strangling the Toad, and the Mushroomer gives the Boomerang Brother a character coin. However, just as Boomer picks up the coin, Toad chases him out of the room with a large spear. Boomer is then cornered against the wall by the Hot Feet and that dumb bunny.
In Shifting Sand Land, the Wario Bros. aren't having much luck. Waluigi, scared that the pyramid is made of rock, has ducked into a large sand dune, which is dangerously close to falling into a pit of quicksand. Klepto the condor has stolen Wario's hat, though Wario was able to steal the dumb condor's character coin. Suddenly, the sand dune with Waluigi inside it breaks, and the idiot starts to run randomly around the stage. Fortunately for him (or unfortunately, depending on how much you like him), he runs right to the top of the pyramid and snags that CC (character coin, since I'm getting lazy), as well as steal the regular coins from the pillars, causing the top of the pyramid to break open. However, Wario is trying to deal with the Toy Box Maze at this point, so fighting Eyerok currently seems out of the question.
Somehow, Iggy has snuck his way into Dire, Dire Docks without paying the fee for the door. However, the gateway to the docks won't move, so Bowser's Lava World remains off-limits. Anyway, Iggy is having difficulty with several clams. Eventually, he gets the combination of clams to open right, and a CC appears. However, one of the clams suddenly grabs him with its tongue (that it apparently has) and launches Iggy into the whirlpool, making the CC disappear as Iggy loses. When Iggy tries to go down again, he forgets about the clams and heads straight for the Bowser submarine. But, for some reason, the sub is loaded with Torpedo Teds, one of which nails Iggy right out of the Bowser Sub's pool...and back into the whirlpool.
Larry has finally adjusted to the long jumping required to pass the first section of Hazy Maze Cave. He then proceeds into the large room with all of the metal bar platforms. Before he can get to some red coins on top, a Scuttle Bug hits Larry with a large spiderweb, causing him to tumble down to the ground. Then, a group of angry Goombas cause the tied-up Larry to fall down into the toxic maze.
Back in Lethal Lava Land, Petey has finally given up on trying to look bigger than the Big Bully, and knocks him out with one flick of his gigantic cranium. He then goes to a large rock (after collecting Big's CC, of course) and fends off several more Bullies. After about three minutes of fighting (or Petey moving his head around, if you would like to call it that), he is able to grab the CC and exit the level with six new coins.
Meanwhile, Wario has finally got out of the Toy Box maze. However, a disturbed Eyerok lands in front of him. Though Wario could normally handle it, suddenly, another Eyerok lands right behind him. Both then grab him and throw him into the instantly-lethal quicksand, where he slowly sinks beneath the eroded stone. Hearing that sand is made out of rock, Waluigi faints right in.
Iggy does... stuff... Yeah, he's still not going anywhere.
Larry finally breaks free after having two near-death experiences. He eventually leaves the toxic maze altogether, but not before visiting a special area and a large dinosaur.
Eventually, all teams meet back up at the Star Door. With their combined coins, they (somehow) cause the portal to Dire, Dire Docks to slip down further into a hallway, causing the portal to the lava sea to appear. They all play Rock-Paper-Scissors to decide who goes in, but Petey eventually loses (since all he can choose is Paper). Iggy is then chosen to go with the Piranha Plant loser.
Iggy and Petey struggle to get through Bowser's Fire Sea. At first, Petey is easily able to subdue the Bullies and other opposition. However, the path gets more tretcherous as soon as mesh platforms begin to sink into the fiery liquid. Both Petey and Iggy get lava baths. However, when Petey shoots up into the air, he realizes something: the level is completely vertical! After saving Iggy from turning into Iggy Bones or something similar, the Piranha Plant dunks himself and Iggy into several giant, blue rings at the top of the level. Then, they meet some familiar faces.
Enter Team OOR! The combination of Whomp and Thwomp was thought of highly by The Dryest Bones, but the team was scrapped in order to make way for Giant Dry Bones and Boolossus, not to mention to still have a creative way to do to Whompings. However, these rock creatures like to play hardball. Both are in the giant, Goomba-stomping pants-things from Mario Party 4, equipped with Poison Shroom launchers. Petey tries his best to goop up the floor and make the robots slip, but to no avail as Whomp adds on some skates for them to slide around on. Iggy then makes a desperate dive toward the weaker block creature, hoping that he'll shatter. However, Whomp just does a quick backhand to the rainbow haired one's face to send him falling. Meanwhile, Petey is dealing with devilish odds against the suped-up robot of Thwomp, who actually has even more things equipped than Whomp does. Thwomp reveals another one of his "secret weapons": a back hatch filled with Bob-ombs. Petey easily dodges the bombs, but is no match for a carefully-shot Poison Mushroom by Whomp. The poisoned Piranha goes tumbling into the bombs, causing a large explosion.
However, this explosion would be the rock monsters' own undoing, as suddenly, a huge chunk of the platform breaks lose. Iggy struggles, and eventually raises Petey back to ground level. However, the weight is comletely off on Whomp and Thwomp's side, causing them to tilt back toward two bombs. Even worse: they can't walk forward due to Petey's goop track. Though Thwomp can levitate, Whomp isn't exactly blessed with that ability, and... BOOM! Whomp explodes in a rainstorm of rocks. At this point, Thwomp is very scared of his foes and just hands Iggy the key to the upper levels. As Iggy poses for the camera as he gets the key, Petey falls into the lava.
After a bit of Petey VS Iggy action, all three teams unlock the upper levels of the castle. After their respective levels are decided, the teams nod and speed off.
Having little luck apart, Iggy and Larry decide to take on the mysterious Snowman's Land. Though they have great success at melting several ice cubes to get a CC, things soon start to get hairy. Trying to get 100 coins, Iggy gets himself trapped inside a Moneybags that simply refuses to let him out. Meanwhile, Larry's feet have difficulty with the odd traction on Chill Bully's platform. The slipping and sliding bully easily knocks Larry into the freezing cold water, immobolizing both Koopalings.
Petey has decided to tackle Tall, Tall Mountain, which is surprisingly easy. Not only does Petey get nearly every Star but one, but he does it all within five minutes! Of course, him flying to the top of the mountain, being extremely fearsome to an Ukiki, and his natural ability to get plant life to do his dirty work for him (not to mention a Fly Guy) might have something to do with his easy victory. However, just as Petey is getting his final coin (all the way off on that Mushroom), a huge gust of wind blows, sending Petey tumbling down the side of the mountain. His falling continues for several minutes, so let's check in on everyone's favorite losers...
Yes, the Wario Bros. have decided to venture into the wild world of Tiny-Huge Island. As always, Waluigi's fear causes him to destroy every last one of Koopa T. Quick's records, yet makes him an easy victim for the Giant Piranha Plants. It takes a lot of Wario muscle - and a weedwhacker - to get the skinny plumber and free up another CC. But, once Wario starts tackling on the harder areas of the island, he is soon devoured by Bubba, that hungry, hungry fish. Meanwhile, Waluigi has somehow broken into the Giant Wiggler's lair, and is failing to tussle with the insect in an extremely pathetic manner. Eventually, Wario frees himself from the fish, but he soon finds himself crushed underneath a Big Steely cannonball.
Finally, Boomer has decided to tackle the water-changing horror of Wet-Dry World. While Boomer is extremely talented at hitting switches, he is not so talented at swimming. In fact, he is an easy target for the Skeeters in the water to strike. In addition, he consistantly hits the Lil' Sparkies. Eventually, Boomer is able to row himself out of the water and jumps into the air high on a Skeeter. However, he is easily caught by a Chuckster, who throws Boomer to a Heave-Ho. Both just juggle the Boomerang Brother for what seems like an eternity.
After a few – all right - a LOT of hours, Petey and Wario (who cleared his level and gave up out of boredom, respectively) finally rescue everyone else from severe fates. After Petey and Wario collect most of the other coins, all of the teams crowd together at what is to be the last Star Door.
Wario: ALL RIGHT! WE HAVE ENOUGH!
Waluigi: WAHHH!!! BUT ENOUGH IS NEVER ENOUGH! THEN WE'LL GAMBLE AND LOSE IT ALL! AND THAT'S ONE OF THE SCARIEST THINGS! WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Petey: All right... Let's put in the coins.
Everyone puts in their respective character coins. Inside the room is a giant clock... and Lord Crump.
Wario: Well guys, it's been real, but...
Suddenly, Wario pulls the red carpet lining Peach's Castle completely out of the floor. He then rolls his opposition into the carpet and shoves them down the stairs.
Lord Crump: I'm just here to tell you that Bowser in the Sky is no longer guarded by Endless Stairs, and that the Star Door over there does not cost any character coins to get through.
Wario: THEN FORGET THIS!
Wario drops every last coin he ever got (even those that aren't character coins, due to his ignorance) and runs up the Not Endless Stairs with Waluigi. However, he trips on a step, causing him to fall back down. Meanwhile, the other two teams have freed themselves and are in the room with Lord Crump
Lord Crump: GRAVITIZE!
Suddenly, Petey is surrounded by a huge, shocking forcefield. It then disappears suddenly.
Petey: WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!
Lord Crump: That would be a HUGE advantage for this final leg. You no longer can fly.
Petey: HEY! I wasn't even going to think about that!
Boomer: But I was!
Lord Crump: The Endless Stairs are no longer endless. JUST GO!
Iggy: What about Rainbow Ride and Tick-Tock Clock?
Lord Crump: We've gone over 120 pages by now just for this leg. Do you THINK I care?
Larry: No...
It is now a mad scramble for the level "Bowser in the Sky". Wario and Waluigi have already entered and are quite far ahead as Teams Muddy and Head enter the pipe.
All Teams - Bowser in the Sky (The Final Sprint)
Larry: Fitting... All of our hard work ends up with a final footrace through the most difficult things Super Mario 64 has to offer.
A Whomp falls on Iggy.
Larry: And Whomps.
Whomp: A Whomp, actually. Whomp the only Whomp here!
Petey: Well... See ya!
Boomer and Petey start dashing through the level. However, they suddenly approach a bridge with a curvy shape. Though Boomer can dash straight through it with no difficulty, Petey is having a lot of trouble without his flying ability.
Petey: THE DANG BRIDGE WON'T LET ME GET ACROSS!
However, Iggy and Larry are easily able to traverse the bridge. They then run right up a slope.
Larry: PIECE OF... WOAH!
WHAM! Larry trips over a Goomba, then a wall, and then out of the sky. However, he eventually, works his way back up to Iggy.
Larry: So *huff* much *puff* running!
Iggy: What happened to you?
Larry: I fell *wheeze* right outside *puff* Peach's Castle! I *huff* RAN HERE!
Iggy: Oh...
Larry and Iggy try to get further in the level. However, they are suddenly stopped by a Piranha Plant latching his roots onto their feet.
Iggy: I am having the WORST luck with you things today!
A few seconds later, Petey and Boomer run up to the plant.
Petey: Unit 235, you're getting a raise!
Piranha Plant: THANK YOU, SIR!
Boomer jumps onto a large, wooden teeter-totter a little further down than the plant. However, when Petey jumps on the wooden piece, it launches Boomer high into the air. He then gets his head stuck in some piece of land high up in the level.
Petey: Aw poot.
Petey just keeps going on a ferris wheel-type thing, jumping off to an area where (somehow) Whomp has gotten back on a really small bridge. Meanwhile, Iggy and Larry have escaped the Piranha Plant using some distracting plant food. Iggy and Larry get past the trampoline and join the Ferris wheel. Iggy is about to jump toward Whomp when Larry stops him.
Larry: THERE'S A SHORTCUT!
At the peak of its rise, Larry and Iggy backflip from the Ferris wheel and onto a platform, bypassing the Whomp portion of the level. However, as they turn back, they spot...
Team Head: THE WARIO BROS?!
Team Garlic is, indeed, trapped underneath a large Chuckya. However, Wario eventually is able to use Waluigi in his Wild-Swing-Ding attack and shake off the giant Chuckya, with Petey in close persuit. All five then make it to a huge, metal U-turn into another section of the level.
Wario: WAH HAH HAH! TIME TO CHEAT!
Wario dashes ahead of the pack with Waluigi in hand by summoning his large Wario Chopper (his motorcycle from Super Smash Bros. Brawl). The evil biker suddenly lays down a Bob-omb and, BOOM! A large section of the metal platform explodes, preventing access to the upper curve of the U-Turn.
Waluigi: This is madness! AND THAT'S SO SCARY! WAAAHHHH!!!
However, Wario broke up the track right at a flamethrower, which is still blowing.
Iggy: We can still pull this off.
Using their extreme acrobatics, Iggy and Larry jump on top of the flamethrower and then right behind the Wario Bros.
Wario: YOU CHEATING LOSERS!
Larry: You're one to speak.
Meanwhile, Petey is completely stumped on how to get over without his flying powers.
Petey: Tornado's too random.. Goop isn't strong enough to make a bridge... Flamethrower will destroy a Piranha Plant...
Petey turns around to see everyone on a platform at exactly the same level as he is.
Everyone: YOU MEAN I COULD'VE JUST JUMPED FROM THERE IN ORDER TO GET OVER HERE?!
Waluigi: WAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Petey lunges toward the platform that Iggy, Larry, Wario, and Waluigi are on. However, all four have already boarded the next part of the level: a moving platform. Without it, it's impossible to progress through the level. And it has already moved out of Petey's jumping range as he gets to the platform.
Petey: DARN IT! THIS'LL COST ME THE RACE! CURSE YOU, LORD CRUMP!
On the moving platform, Larry, Wario, and Iggy are battling for supremacy (not to mention the chance to knock the opposition out). However, everyone but Iggy and Waluigi are too distracted to notice a small, rocky platform at foot height, causing some serious stubbed toes. Things are peaceful until the platform suddenly breaks down and falls... in front of another platform. It then appears right next to Petey.
Petey: ALL RIGHT! I MIGHT NOT LOSE!
Teams Garlic and Head are battling on two rotating platforms surrounded by Bob-ombs. Wario delivers a quick uppercut to Larry. However, this just sends him higher into the level. Iggy just runs to a nearby pole and follows Larry's example.
Wario: Note to self: Never EVER use attacks that help my enemies!
Wario uses Waluigi as hiking gear to scale up a pole. Iggy and Larry are way out in front.
Iggy: See you... WOAH!
Yet another Goomba trips up Team Head. This time, Iggy takes the fall. However, he only falls to the moving platform, which Petey hasn't quite gotten off yet.
Petey: OH COME ON!
Iggy then jumps off of Petey's head to get back to the rotating platforms. However, by this time, the Wario Bros. have got to a small pole.
Wario: WAH HAH HAH!
Wario tries to jump on the pole. However, he fails miserably and hits his head on a moving metal platform. Waluigi gets knocked out by it, and Wario can only watch helplessly as Iggy and Larry dash straight past him
Larry: NICE KNOWING YOU!
However, a large mob of Bob-ombs block Team Head's path. And, like absolutely nothing anyone could've expected...
Iggy: YES! NOTHING HAPPENS!
The Bob-ombs are actually Rob-ombs! They all explode anyway, causing Iggy and Larry to fly high into the air. Wario and Waluigi, after many tries with the pole, get up to the final stretch: a small, temple-like area surrounded by Goombas. Behind the temple is a gigantic mat where a warp pipe to the final Bowser battle in Super Mario 64 would normally be, where The Dryest Bones, Francis, Donkey Kong, Lord Crump, an extra camera Lakitu, the tourists who thought of challenges this leg, and the (somehow intact) teams that were eliminated before stand. Some of them are much more enthusiastic than others about seeing Team Garlic run through the temple area.
Wario: WAH HAH HAH! WE'RE...
However, before Wario can say that he and Waluigi are winners, the statues in the temple area begin blowing gusts of wind. Though this is no problem for Wario, Waluigi has tons of troubles. Suddenly, a rabbit's foot, a 4-leaf clover, a monkey's paw, salt from his left shoulder, a horseshoe, and his boxers come flying out of his clothes.
Waluigi: WAAAH!!! EVERYTHING THAT PREVENTED MY INSTANT DEATH! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! LIFE IS TOO REAL AND SCARY!!! WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
Wario: Well... LET'S FINISH!
Wario gets all the way through the temple with Waluigi in his hands.
The Dryest Bones: NO! NO! NOOOOOO!!! TEAM GARLIC, YOU ARE...
FWAM!
The Dryest Bones: CRUSHED UNDER A METEOR BEFORE YOU REACHED THE MAT! HAHA! YES!
Francis: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Indeed, a meteor has struck the Wario Bros, knocking them out just before they got to the mat. Meanwhile, Petey has got to the temple area by a miricle.
Petey: Oh well, without Boomer I'll... WAIT, WHAT'S THAT?!
Voice: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
WHAM! Iggy and Larry fall from the sky right in front of Petey.
Petey: YOU!
Iggy: LET'S FINISH!
Iggy and Larry dart through the temple area, Petey in toe. Suddenly, the Koopalings turn to attack, and...
CHOMP! OW! WHAM! RIP! BOOM! CRUMBLE! WHISH!
The Dryest Bones: IN ONE OF THE MOST SPECTACULAR UNSEEN FINISHES EVER, THE WINNERS OF THE AMUSHROOM RACE... WILL BE REVEALED AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL MESSAGE!
Start Commercials
Shroobsworth: Come and work at Shroob Co! We have lightning-fast jobs with great pay and quick retirement!
A Shroob is seen lasering someone to death.
Wart: I AM THE GREAT KING WART! HAHAHA!
Dimentio: Watch the spinning screen of hypnosis... while magical gamma rays place Floro Sprouts inside your brains... All right. HAIL DIMENTIO! LET WRATH HAPPEN TO THE MAN IN GREEN AND THE FALSE RED ONE! Also, you get dental benefits after they're dead!
End Commercial
The Dryest Bones: As I was saying, the winners of the Amushroom Race, and two million coins...
Lord Crump: TWO million?!
The Dryest Bones: Well, I did say at the start it was TWO million. Plus, with all the Underwhere I've put teams through, I feel I owe it to the best... or luckiest... team to reward their infinite efforts.
Lord Crump: Carry on then.
The Dryest Bones: The winners are... TEAM MUDDY! PETEY PIRANHA AND "BOOMER" THE BOOMERANG BROTHER, YOU ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!!
Petey Piranha and Boomer begin getting into cool poses as the Mario Party-esque fireworks, stars, and other special effects appear behind them. While this happens, a small gust of wind causes the Wario Bros' fingers to blow onto the mat.
The Dryest Bones: TEAM GARLIC EARNS SECOND PLACE!
After a lot of sad music and limping, Iggy and Larry walk up to the mat.
Iggy: Ung... What happened?
Larry: Did we... win?
The Dryest Bones: Actually, Team Head, you came in third.
Team Head: WHAT?! HOW?!
Everyone: HOW DID PETEY AND BOOMER WIN?!
The Dryest Bones: Lakitu, play back the final replay.
Lakitu plays back a replay that will be remembered in infamy forever. As Iggy and Larry go to beat up Petey, they're suddenly stuck in the ground. They turn around, revealing a Koopa's hand shackling them to the ground. This is, of course, Boomer, who was trapped inside the rock due to Petey's faulty teetering. He then bites the Koopalings for good measure. Petey then rams into the Koopalings, sending them flying into pillars and knocking them out. Petey then yanks Boomer right out of the ground, causing most of the platform to crumble. The two then run over the meteor hiding Wario and Waluigi's bad luck (and their bodies), and land right on the map.
Team Head: WHAT?!
Mario: I'm-a Mario!
Luigi: I'm so ashamed.
Bowser: EVERYONE KILL MARIO!
Everyone behind The Dryest Bones except for Francis and Donkey Kong are fighting. Petey and Boomer are also fighting Iggy and Larry. Of course, Wario and Waluigi are trapped underneath what Waluigi fears most: a rock.
The Dryest Bones: Due to this extremely long leg's... er... longness, I have decided to host one of those Survivor-esque aftershow reunion things. Join us next week for the final discussion and overall closing of The Amushroom Race! Until then, this is The Dryest Bones, and you are pretty crazy for reading this much! Oh, and I'm even crazier. I mean, uh, keep on racing, folks!
To Be Continued...
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