CHAPTER 8: CHASE TO PEACH’S PLACE
Peach is in her room with Twink.
Peach: I’M HUNGRY! HUNGRY, HUNGRY, HUNGRY, HUNGRY!
Twink: (Good thing this is the last Peach mini-chapter.)
Bowser bursts into the room.
Bowser: Mario and Luigi are sure to come! I want you to watch! Guards!
Two Koopatrols tie her up in rope.
Bowser: And if she escapes one more time, heads will roll!
Koopatrol: But she already killed most of the guards.
Bowser: Oh… Hey! What’s this?
You’ve got mail! Uh, I mean, “You’ve got Sneaky Parasol!”
Bowser: Okay. Hey! No Star Kids allowed!
He punches Twink out the window. Twink then falls to the ground. Down there, Gourmet Guy wakes up. Man, he’s durable. However, Twink lands on him, and knocks him out.
Bowser: Come on, gang.
Bowser, the Koopatrols, and Peach (still tied up, but able to walk on her own) walk out of the room, real slowly, and wearing sunglasses and leather jackets… Mario was right in Chapter 5. Plit really did go down hill when P.T. became an author.
P.T.: Hey!
Meanwhile…
The Mario Bros. are back at Shooting Star Summit. They walk into a beam of light. Suddenly, they’re on the spiral path of stars.
Embers: Die!
Mario uses Quake Hammer, and it removes some of the stars that make up the path. The Embers fall down that hole and land on Gourmet Guy. But…
Koopatrol: Die!
A Koopatrol shell flies from behind the Bros, hitting the back of Luigi’s head and knocking him on his face.
Koopatrol: It is I, Koopatrol that landed on Gourmet Guy’s head!
Fanfare starts.
Koopatrol that landed on Gourmet Guy’s head: Remember me from the Peach mini-chapter where she used the Sneaky Parasol?
Mario: No.
Koopatrol that landed on Gourmet Guy’s head: Die!
Mario takes off K.T.L.O.G.G.H.’s helmet, and lodges it in his face, spike first.
K.T.L.O.G.G.H.: AAAAAUUUUURRRGHHHHHHCCK!
Luigi: “AAAAAUUUUURRRGHHHHHHCCK”? No one says that.
K.T.L.O.G.G.H.: Silence, nonbeliever!
He dies, and Luigi kicks him over the edge. Meanwhile…
Gourmet Guy: Wow. No matter how many things happened, I’m still here!
K.T.L.O.G.G.H. lands on Gourmet Guy’s head, shell spikes first.
Gourmet Guy: This is ridiculous.
Gourmet Guy dies. In Star Haven, the Bros. enter the Star Spirit Palace.
Mamar: AAAAHHHHH!!!
Bros: AAAAHHHHH!!!
Mamar: Can’t a Star Spirit clip coupons in the privacy of her own home?
Luigi: Doesn’t that usually happen in the bathroom, instead of the entrance room?
Mamar: Silence, nonbeliever!
Mario: Just let us get to Bowser’s and we’ll leave!
Mamar: Fair enough. OTHERS!
The other Star Spirits appear.
Star Spirits: ULTIMATE POWER!
You’ve seen these guys blast the Bros. away before, but this is their most powerful (and painful) version. This sends them into the Clown Copter garage of the castle.
Luigi: Hey! The music finally goes with the location!
They continue, until they see an empty hallway.
Luigi: Hmm?
Mario: What happened? Where are all the guards?
P.T.: Except for those two in the final mini-chapter, all the guards are dead. Peach killed them.
Mario: But the chapter will be too easy now!
P.T.: Don’t worry. I’m sure something will happen!
They make their way to the first Bowser door.
Door: Do you want to get to the other side?
Mario Bros: Yes.
Door: Okay. But first-
The whole floor opens … except for the part where the Bros. are standing.
Door: Why does this keep happening in P.T.’s FFs?
Luigi: Shiny!
Mario: Luigi! No!
Luigi falls down the hole, and Mario follows, like a sheep.
Door: Ha! No one can resist something shiny! … Now if only that was intended…
Meanwhile, the Bros. are in a dungeon with all the people from the party in the Prologue.
Mario: Wow. I haven’t seen you guys in ages!
Random Toad: Yeah. Hey, why not take a nap to refill your stats?
Mario: Okay!
The Bros. take a nap. When they awaken…
Luigi: AHHHH! OUR STUFF IS GONE!
The Toad that told them to take a nap is shifting his eyes, nervously… The first seven words in that last sentence all started with T.
Mario: You! Did you see who did it?
Guard: Halt! Who are you?
Luigi: AHHH! It’s the dumb guard from the Prologue! He seems to have survived! Run for your life!
Luigi runs so fast, he breaks through the wall, and finds himself in a lava-filled room.
Mario: Hey Luigi! I just killed the guard AND the guy that stole our stuff!
Luigi: Okay. How do we get across?
Mario: I don’t know… Wait, yes I do!
Mario tosses Luigi into a certain room…
Magikoopa: Okay. So whatever you do, don’t hit that switch.
Koopatrol #1: Why?
Koopatrol #2: Yeah, why?
Koopatrol #3: Yeah, why?
Koopatrol #2: I just said that. Die!
The get into a fight, which pushes them over the edge, into the lava.
Luigi, Magikoopa, and Koopatrol #1: …
Luigi: Say, how are you here? I thought Peach killed the guards!
Magikoopa: Magikoopas weren’t in the castle, so Peach didn’t kill us.
Koopatrol #1: And I had a 1-Up Mushroom.
Luigi pushes them into the lava, and presses the switch. The lava hardens and cools. Mario and Luigi meet up, and enter a dark area.
Mario: Why does Bowser have such a dark cave area?
Luigi: Why does Peach know how to kill minions?
Mario: …
They continue, and meet some Bony Beetles.
Bony Beetles: Die!
Mario: Let me guess.
Luigi: You’re alive, because you weren’t in the castle?
Mario: I said to let me guess!
Mario hammers him, then hammers the Bony Beetles over the edge.
After an hour of tripping, stubbing their toes on rocks, and falling over the edge, they reach a room. Mario pushes a rock out of the way. They enter the new path, and eventually…
Door: You’re back! Well, you still can’t enter.
Meanwhile, there is a fridge nearby. Lemmy is eating ice cream from the container, when P.T. grabs him and uses him as a battering ram to break down the door.
Lemmy: OUCH! Why did you do that?! The trilogy is over!
P.T.: Silence, nonbeliever!
Mario Bros. and Lemmy: …
Mario and Luigi go through the door, and reach a save block.
Save Block: Die!
The block leaps at them, but Luigi shocks it to death with Thunderhand. They go on some more, and reach another prison.
Prisoners: Free us!
Mario Bros: NO!
They leave. Eventually, they see a Spiky Goomba.
Spiky Goomba: Buy stuff.
Mario: You don’t want to sell us stuff.
S. G.: I don’t want to sell you stuff.
Mario: This is not the store you are looking for.
S. G.: Actually, I own this-
Mario: You’d much rather be at home, watching TV.
S. G.: Hmmm… TV. Can I have some snacks and some friends over?
Mario: The answer is yes. But you have to take out the trash first.
S. G.: Aw, I always have to take out the trash!
He leaves. Mario and Luigi take the items, and leave.
Luigi: Why haven’t you used that on any other enemies?
Mario: They’re all too dumb. Plus, we’re running out of jokes.
Luigi: Ah.
Fred Fredburger: Yes!
P.T.: Hey! Get out of here! This isn’t LM3! I thought I sold you back to Pokemaniac Joe!
Fred: Yes!
P.T.: Die!
Fred: Yes!
P.T. throws Fred out the window. Back with You-know-who…
Gourmet Guy: Why does stuff keep landing on me?
Fred lands on Gourmet Guy.
Gourmet Guy: OH, COME ON! THAT’S IT!
Gourmet warps into the room the Bros. are in.
Gourmet: Die!
P.T. pulls out a light saber, and chops the fat Shy Guy in half.
Mario Bros: 0.0
P.T.: What? He’s too recurring!
Mario: Well, it looks like we’ve just managed to waste a full page.
Luigi: Yeah. Now what?
They soon reach another kind of room.
Luigi: Ooh! What does this chain do?
He pulls it, water flows.
Luigi: OOOH! ANOTHER CHAIN! MUST PULL IT!
Mario: But-
Luigi: Let me pull it, or die!
Mario: OH COME ON! NOW EVEN MY BROTHER IS THREATENING ME?!
Luigi swims over to another chain, and pulls it. More water flows. Soon, they reach a room with lots of Bombshell Bills.
Mario: Wow. Peach missed a lot of monsters.
Luigi: Now what?
Mario: FREE COOKIES FOR ANYONE THAT DIES!
Bombshell Bills and B. Bill Blasters: COOKIE!
They all explode.
Luigi: …
Now they meet an army of Dry Bones.
Mario: And I’m assuming you weren’t in the castle, either?
Dry Bones #1: Actually, we WERE. We’re the remains.
Dry Bones #2: Die!
They all charge towards the Bros. Eventually, the Brothers die.
The End
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Mario Bros: WHAT ON PLIT KIND OF ENDING WAS THAT?!
P.T.: Oops. HEY! WRITER! WHAT’S GOING ON?
In a special booth…
Shrooby: Oops.
He presses a button. The story restarts. The Bros. have defeated the Dry Bones. Now, they reach a second door.
Second Door: Answer the questions correctly! What is your name?
Mario: Mario Mario, and Luigi Mario.
Door: What is your quest?
Mario: To get to the other side, to leave the castle, to get to Peach’s castle, to save her, and to finish our two-man Rock-‘em-sock-‘em Robots tournement.
Door: What is your favorite color?
Mario: Red. And his is green.
Door: What is the laiden velocity of a swallow?
Mario: African, or European?
Door: I don’t know! … AHHHHH!!!
The door is flung into the volcano from Chapter 5.
Luigi: That was convenient.
They reach a bridge with Magikoopas.
Magikoopas: Die!
Mario and Luigi each push one over the bridge. They reach a room with block platforms, but the Bros. just bash through. Then, they reach a room with two exits.
Luigi: OH NO! It’s that repeating room!
Mario: Never fear! I stole this from P.T.!
He pulls out a strategy guide for the game.
Luigi: Why was he reading that?
Mario: How do you think he remembered which rooms went where, and stuff?
Luigi: Ah.
So they go through the top, bottom, bottom, top, bottom, and top exits that all go to the right. They then reach Peach… Hey! That rhymes!
Peach: Hi!
Mario: We know you’re not real.
“Peach”: D’oh!
Peach transforms into Doopliss.
Mario: Doopliss?
Doopliss: Yeah, P.T. thought he’d mix things up a little, by replacing the generic Duplighost with a well-known one, me.
E-Man: Give me that! You don’t know where it’s been.
E-Man takes Doopliss back to his studio.
Mario Bros: …
They continue, until they see a THIRD door!
Mario: How many of you are there?!
Door: Silence, nonbeliever! If you want to beat me, then you’ll have to beat… TH3 K00P4 8R0Z!
Mario Bros: Huh?
Door: Oh, sorry. I was speaking in l33t. I meant to say… THE KOOPA BROS!
Mario: NOOO!!!
Luigi: Not those guys again! Why them? They’re incompetent!
Door: They’re basically the only boss that didn’t die.
Red: Here come the Koopa Bros!
The Koopa Bros. appear.
P.T.: Yay!
Mario: What are you so happy about?
P.T.: They’re my favorite boss in this game!
Mario: …
Black: Finally! Someone appreciates us!
Yellow: Oh yeah!
Green: Look at the picture I drew!
He holds out the same picture from Chapter 1. The only difference is that he added a stick figure with an Afro.
Green: It’s my imaginary friend!
Suddenly, a stick figure with an Afro appears.
Imaginary Friend: Die!
The quintet heads for the Bros, when Jr. Troopa appears.
Jr: DIE!
Jr. knocks out the Koopa Bros.
Door: Oh my DAD! A baby bested the beloved brothers!
Luigi: Lame.
Luigi takes his brother’s hammer, and repeatedly hammers Jr. with both of them. Jr. faints. Suddenly…
Policemen from Chapter 3: Halt! Luigi Mario, you’re under arrest for beating up an infant, in multiple chapters!
Luigi: Uh, they did it!
He points to the Koopa Bros. and Green’s imaginary friend.
Policemen: Die!
He arrests them, and they all jump out the window. Down there…
Gourmet Guy: If one more thing lands on my head…
The police, the Koopa Bros, the imaginary friend, and Jr. Troopa (pushed by Luigi) land on Gourmet Guy, who dies for the billionth time.
Mario: Well?
Door: Well, I guess you can go.
He opens, and
the Bros. are able to leave the castle.
CHAPTER 9: FINAL BATTLE
The Bros. leave Bowser’s castle, and find themselves in front of Peach’s. They also push the Clubba over the edge. Needless to say, it lands on you know who. When they enter the castle, they see that it’s deserted.
Luigi: What happened to the guards?
Mario: They all went to Bowser’s castle, or died.
They go, and see a Toad near a bed in one room.
Toad: Don’t take a nap. I’m nap-intolerant.
The Bros. take a nap, and the Toad explodes. They go on, and soon reach the room where they previously fought Bowser. Bowser meets them.
Bowser: Hello. Can you beat, MY STAR ROD?
He pulls it out and becomes invincible. Luigi realizes something.
Luigi: This story is based off of Paper Mario!
Then he realizes something that wasn’t obvious to everyone with an IQ higher than –50.
Luigi: We forgot to get the Star Beam!
Luckily, Bowser approaches the Bros, when suddenly he stops glowing.
Bowser: Huh?
He’s too close to the Bros. The Star Rod got unplugged from its socket.
Bowser: You win this round!
He runs away.
Mario Bros: …
The Bros. follow him. Eventually, they find some super arena.
Bowser: I’ve prepared this arena just for you two!
Mario: You mean you’re giving it to us?
Bowser: No… Or at least not this one.
Mario Bros: …
Bowser: Now…
He pulls out the Star Rod, and glows.
Bowser: I GOT EXTENSION CORDS!
The Bros. pull the plug.
Bowser: At least I still got batteries!
He puts the batteries in, and wipes the floor with the Bros.
Peach: Oh no! … I’m STILL hungry!
Twink: How are you STILL hungry?! And how do I keep coming back?!
Kammy: Die!
She shoots a block. It hurts Twink. He’s about to fight back, when Peach uses martial art skills to knock her off her broom. She pins Kammy down.
Twink: 1-2-3! Peach wins!
Peach: Good! … I’m hungry.
Twink tosses her at Bowser, knocking the batteries out of the Star Rod. The batteries then land on Gourmet Guy.
Bowser: Uh oh.
The Mario Bros. use every last one of their Bros. Attacks, and then some. Bowser faints.
Bowser: OWIE!
Kammy: Uh, sir? Your castle and this arena are about to explode.
Bowser: Why?
Kammy: Because I designed the arena so that if you lose, it and the castle will explode.
Bowser: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!
Kammy: BECAUSE I WAS BORED!
The arena and
castle explode. Peach’s castle (with the Bros. and princess somehow in
it) plummets to the ground. It lands on Gourmet Guy.
EPILOGUE: THE END IS HERE! FINALLY!
The three of them exit the castle. Twink comes along.
Twink: Well, I guess my work here is do- AAAHHHHH!!!
Peach eats Twink.
Mario Bros: …
Peach: What? Hey! I’m not hungry anymore!
The Bros. go back to their house and finish their tournament. So here is what happened to everyone…
Mario: Mario won the tournament, and 39 cents.
Luigi: Luigi lost the tournament, and started getting drunk on Poison Mushrooms. He eventually died, so when this was remade, it was made without Luigi.
Peach: Peach continued to eat, until she was taken to the ranch where “The Biggest Loser” is held. Last we heard, she had eaten the hosts and other contestants. No one has heard from her since.
Twink: Twink eventually got destroyed by Peach’s stomach acid.
Bowser: Dead.
Kammy: Dead.
Jr. Troopa: Dead.
Koopa Bros: Arrested.
Tutankoopa: Dead.
Tubba Blubba: Dead.
General Guy: Dead.
Lava Piranha: Dead.
Huff ‘N Puff: Dead.
Crystal King: Crystal King is still a frozen puddle. No one has heard from him since Chapter 7.
Naval Piranha: Dead.
Petey Piranha: Went to college with Wooster.
Gourmet Guy: Started wearing a helmet. But that didn’t help.
Party Members: Dead.
P.T.: Continued to write The Quest.
You: Dead, because you exploded after reading this dumb story.
Narrator: Dead.
Later… Wait, I thought I was dead.
P.T.: (to narrator) Silence, nonbeliever! (to someone else) So, what do you think?
Nintendo: Well, I guess. But we have to make some alterations.
P.T.: Okay.
Months later, after P.T. finished Paper Mario…
P.T.: Hey! This isn’t how I wrote it! Die!
He goes to maim Nintendo, but he trips, falls down a cliff, and lands on Gourmet Guy.
Gourmet: Good thing this is the end of the story.
Gourmey Guy dies.
The End
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