Surgeon General’s Warning: This story may contain vast quantities of humor (or it may not). Humor can cause happiness and can be addicting. You should not read this story if you are over 30 or younger than 40. That means nobody!

Setting: The story opens in the Koopa’s castle in Giant Land, Monstro Castle. Iggy Koopa is pondering in the study of his quarters, musing about the most recent defeat of the Koopas. This time, Bowser, Iggy, and the rest of the Koopa Kids worked together to kidnap the Princess and conquer the Mushroom Kingdom and its surrounding areas, including the Star Path, the Vanilla Dome, and Dinosaur Land. Of course, Luigi and his crazy brother who thinks he’s a hero Mario put a stop to that, but this time, there was another super-hero. A green dinosaur often appeared out of question mark blocks and aided Mario and Luigi. He was dangerous because with his long tongue, he was able to eat most of the Koopa’s accomplices, could protect Mario or Luigi, and even gain super powers, such as fire power after eating a red shell. Bowser and the Koopa Kids had vowed that they would get their revenge. Iggy had just gotten the idea that he had heard about the dinosaur before…

Mario, played by a dummy. He is known from car safety commercials.

Iggy Koopa, played by some poor guy from off the street. It is his acting debut. Don’t blame him if he gets the script wrong (and he will).

Yoshi, played by nobody (Yoshi got sick). His lines will be in Italics and his part not acted out.

Luigi, played by a chicken. He is known for crossing some road.

Princess Peach Toadstool, played by Gruntilda the Witch from Banjo-Kazooie.

Toad, played by some Australian named Arnold S. I’ve never heard of him.

Larry Koopa, played by… ooh, give me a sec. Anyway, he’s from… it’s coming, it’s coming… I don’t remember!

Morton Koopa, played by a fish. He is known from "Friday the Thirteenth."

Wendy Koopa, played by DeeDee from Dexter’s Laboratory. I’m sure all of you have a sister like her (and if you don’t, now you do).

Roy Koopa, played by Joe Cool of the Peanuts (Charlie Brown). Hey, it don’t matter he’s a dog!

Lemmy Koopa, played by Great Guy (not Grate Guy). I’ve never seen him, but he must be from some action show on some channel.

Ludwig Koopa, played by insert name of the fattest person you know. Hey! You can do better than that. Insert name of someone fatter. Good enough. Anyway, he’s known from… well, you named him.

Susan B. Koopa, the eighth Koopaling. She will be played by DeeDee from Dexter’s Laboratory. Yes, she and Wendy both!

Mom, a.k.a. Clawdia, the Koopa mother. She will be played by Mama from Cow and Chicken.

Bagels, the Koopas dog. She will be played by herself. Yes!

Playful, the Koopas cat. He will be played by Bagels, and I don’t care that they are in the same scene together.

Wooster, the Princess’s servant. He will be played by Mr. Clean of certain cleaning commercials.

Iggy Koopa shook his green head, and then stared back at his notes. A large green dinosaur had eaten a large percentage of the Koopa Clan. Although few of Iggy’s soldiers were eaten, since they were too large, Iggy was still upset about the catastrophe.

Iggy wrote in his notes: ‘I’ve heard that there are some forms of life in the kingdom with long heritages that have gained magic powers. I think this dinosaur could be one of them. If I could learn the extent of his powers, perhaps I could defeat him… but I don’t even know his name!’

Iggy got up from his desk and went across the hall to where his brother Lemmy was playing a video game while standing on a ball. Iggy clapped his hands and then asked what game Lemmy was playing.

"It’s called Yoshi’s Island," said Lemmy. "Yay, 100 points!"

"Who’s the boss in that game?" asked Iggy.

"I don’t recall," replied Lemmy.

Iggy left the room and walked back to his room. Along the way, he passed the international "No" sign with Yoshi’s picture and name in the center.

"How will I ever find out the dinosaur’s name?" sighed Iggy.

* * * * * * * * * * *

"I want the first burger!" screamed Luigi.

"Hey, I already claimed the first burger!" stomped Mario.

"No fair, you’re always first," whined Luigi.

"Of course, I’m the best," Mario tossed carelessly.

"That’s it, you’re not getting my burger!" hissed Luigi, producing a fire flower from his pocket.

"Oh yeah?" challenged Mario, producing a super leaf from his pocket.

"Calm down!" ordered Princess Toadstool. "Mario, Luigi, everybody will get served at the same time."

"But the first burger is always the best," whined Luigi.

"And that’s why I should get it," decided Mario. "I did the most work to defeat the Koopas."

"No way!" screamed Luigi.

"I think the first burger should be thrown away," interrupted Wooster. "The first burger is always the messiest."

Mario, Luigi, Toad, the green dinosaur (not on stage), Peach, and Ludwig all stared at Wooster. Then they continued their argument.

"If I don’t get the first burger, I don’t want any at all," decided Luigi.

"Good, more for me!" Mario smiled.

"Hey, how long does a mushroom have to wait for food around here?" asked Toad. "I’m gonna become poisonous if I have to wait much longer."

"Yoshi hungry," said the green dinosaur who was obviously called Yoshi but was not on stage so the line was not said. "Have any mushroom soup?"

"Eww!" declared Toad.

‘At least it’s clean’ thought Wooster.

"Yoshi hungry!" said Yoshi again.

"I’m waiting," said Toad, tapping his foot.

"Yes, Toad, I know you’re hungry," sighed Peach.

"No, I’m not waiting for food," sighed Toad. "Yoshi is supposed to eat me after his last line."

"But Yoshi is not here!" said Luigi.

"Then you guys will have to reenact it," said Toad.

Shaking his head, Luigi picked up Toad and moved him towards where Yoshi was supposed to be while Mario turned the hose on Toad. After a while, they let Toad go.

"Yuck!" said Yoshi. He spit out the wet mushroom (or he would have). "Toad right. Is eww."

"That’s it, you’re banished!" shrieked Toad.

"Yoshi no go, Yoshi hungry."

"You can’t say no to me, I’m the Royal Mushroom Retainer!"

"Toad small, Yoshi big and hungry."

Toad jumped on Yoshi’s back, except that he landed on the ground. Luigi jumped on Mario’s back and did not fall to the ground. Yoshi is stronger than Toad, so Toad was thrown off. He jumped into the bushes near the Princess’s Castle. Mario fell down.

"I win!" declared Luigi.

"Rats," said Mario. Then he smiled. ‘The second burger is better anyway.’

"Dinner is served!" smiled Peach, as Toad escaped from the bushes. She lifted a metal cover off a plate and revealed an extra large pizza with extra everything.

"I made it for you, Mario," said Peach. "I know pizza is your favorite.

"Oh no!" moaned Wooster. "That’s the messiest food there is!"

Mario folded his arms. "I won’t eat it," he pouted. "I want a burger."

"Me too," agreed Luigi. The two brothers stood next to each other, their previous argument forgotten.

"I’m allergic to mushrooms," said Toad.

"Yoshi no allergic," said Yoshi.

Yoshi was supposed to eat the pizza, so Peach threw the pizza away. It hit the face of some luckless stage crew member.

"Well, that’s that," said Peach.

"Hey, I’m still hungry (partially italicized)!" said Mario, Luigi, Toad, Yoshi, and Wooster.

"Fine, we’ll go to a restaurant," decided Peach.

"I want Chinese," insisted Mario.

"I will only eat pizza," said Luigi.

"I’m a vegetarian," said Toad.

"I want to go to a fancy restaurant," said Wooster.

"I could go for some fast food," shrugged Peach, her stomach growling.

"Yoshi eat Koopa."

"Why don’t you eat Ludwig?" asked Toad.

"Ludwig eww too."

"I want chocolate," said Ludwig.

"What are you doing here?" asked Mario.

"I’m waiting for chocolate," said Ludwig. "You destroyed my entire stash."

"Yeah, well, you ate all of mine!" shouted Mario.

"So? I want it again."

"Well, too bad."

"That’s it. This means war!" Ludwig stomped off to his doomship and flew away, leaving the rest of the party to bicker about dinner.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Iggy watched as Ludwig’s doomship landed next to the landing pad. ‘Where would Ludwig have gone?’ Iggy wondered. He transported (walked) himself to the landing pad and caught Ludwig as he descended from the ramp of the doomship.

"Where did you come from?" Iggy asked.

"Who wants to know?" snorted Ludwig.

"Me," replied Iggy.

"Oh, okay," smiled Ludwig. "What was the question again?"

Iggy repeated the question.

"Will I get chocolate if I tell you?"

"Sure," agreed Iggy, with his fingers crossed behind his shell.

"Yeah!" cheered Ludwig. "I came from The Palace."

"What were you doing there?" asked Iggy.

"Who wants to know?"

Iggy rolled his eyes. "I don’t recall (running gag)," he said.

"Too bad," said Ludwig. "I’ll tell you anyway if you give me extra chocolate."

"Fine!" scowled Iggy.

"I was looking for chocolate," reported Ludwig. "I didn’t find any. I am very hungry."

"Iggy wants to know if you saw a green dinosaur. Iggy will give you more chocolate if you can tell me this dinosaur’s name."

"Well, since it’s you," smiled Ludwig, "the dinosaur referred to himself as Yoshi. You’re lucky you’re not Lemmy, ‘cause then I would have said #&%$#^%$*$. Now where’s my chocolate?"

"Sorry Ludwig," Iggy laughed. "I don’t have any chocolate."

"What?!" screamed Ludwig. He chased Iggy back through the castle, yelling, "#&%$#^%$*$!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Lemmy and Wendy were in Lemmy’s workroom, assembling what appeared to be junk. Wendy was telling Lemmy what to do, and Lemmy was building.

"Put the phycophillis on the frito-generator," Wendy instructed.

"Are you sure?" asked Lemmy. I thought the phycophillis went in the frito-generator."

"Of course I’m sure!" snapped Wendy.

"If you say so," shrugged Lemmy. "Except that I am the one who-"

"With my help," clarified Wendy.

"Of course," agreed Lemmy. "You know, maybe I should be reading and you should be building. I’m getting kind of tired you know."

"Hey!" snapped Wendy. "I’m the one who stole Ludwig’s heavy tools and carried them all the way here. I don’t suppose you are going to carry them back, now, are you?"

"I guess not," shrugged Lemmy. He went back to work while Wendy continued to grumble.

* * * * * * * * * *

Iggy managed to escape from Ludwig and locked the door of his room. He booted his computer and rubbed his hands with glee.

"Now that I know the dinosaur’s name, I can finally research him and find a weak spot. And I will get the reward since nobody else knows except Ludwig, and he’s stupid. Now what was the dinosaurs name again?"

Iggy searched the web until he found a site entitled "Yoshi: Diner or Dinner."

"This looks promising," smiled Iggy as he clicked on the site’s hyperlink. He waited a second for the page to load, and then began to read. He was up long into the night.

* * * * * * * * * *

"Yoshi hungry." Everybody stomped their foot to make up for the lack of Yoshi’s planned stomp.

"Yoshi already had 20 pizzas," explained Mario.

"So? Yoshi wanted Koopa."

"I wanted Chinese, and you don’t hear me complaining, do you?" comforted Mario. Everyone waited for 3 seconds. "I wanted Chinese!" Mario wailed.

"I thought my dinner was tasty," grinned Luigi, acting very smug.

Mario spit at Luigi. A fist fight was only diverted when Wooster, who was perfectly clean despite having just eaten his fair share of pizza, said, "You’re all outrageously filthy. I expect that you are all planning to bathe in the lake before entering the castle."

Everybody gasped at the thought of bathing together in the lake.

"Yoshi afraid of water." Everybody shuddered for Yoshi.

"I’m not taking my hat off in front of anyone!" shrieked Toad, horrified.

"I don’t mind taking my hat off," smiled Luigi. "My hair is the best."

"Sure, next to my hair," smiled Mario.

"No it’s not!" shrieked Luigi.

"It is so!" shrieked Mario.

Another fist fight was only diverted when Peach asked, "Is there any point for this section being in the story?"

"What mean?" asked Yoshi, while Mario and Luigi lowered their fists.

"I mean, is this section of the story in any way related to the point of this story?" clarified Peach.

"I don’t think so," said Toad.

"Is this story supposed to have a point?" asked Mario.

"Hey Mario," sneered Luigi, "Are you supposed to have a point?" Mario and Luigi finally had their fist fight.

* * * * * * * * * * *

The next day, Iggy boarded his doomship. He brought nothing but one of his old, spikeless Koopa shells and the knowledge he had discovered on the web. Iggy landed next to the castle, and hid behind a bush. This was unnecessary however because all of Peach’s lazy guests were still sleeping. They were outside the castle because Wooster locked the doors and would not let them in until they bathed in the lake.

Iggy pulled a long branch off the bush and stuck the shell on the far end of it. He angled the branch so that the shell would be next to Yoshi’s nose. Yoshi, who still wanted a Koopa, immediately woke up (except that he didn’t, the shell was near Mario’s doorknob nose). Iggy whisked away the branch and ran towards his doomship. Yoshi quickly followed (maybe), his tongue hanging out.

Iggy boarded his doomship and waited a second. Pretending that Yoshi was now on the doomship, he hit the button that caused the ramp to form a solid wall. Satisfied that Yoshi was trapped, he hit ignition and flew away.

* * * * * * * * * * *

An hour later, Mario, Luigi, and Peach woke up. They all had cricks in their necks from lying on the hard ground. After a quick survey, they found that Yoshi was nowhere to be seen (although he wouldn’t be seen anyway. He’s missing according to the script).

"I’m worried about Yoshi," worried Peach.

"Don’t worry," worried Luigi.

"Yeah, Yoshi’s probably just out chasing a Koopa," Mario rolled his eyes.

"But I’m worried," pouted Peach. "He’s just a little dinosaur."

Mario and Luigi threw their hats at Peach, had a quick argument over whose hair was better, and went back to sleep. Peach soon followed (she threw the hats back).

* * * * * * * * * * *

"Hey, it’s finished," Lemmy smiled.

"How do you know, Mr. Infected Elf?" demanded Wendy. "I have the directions here."

"There aren’t any parts left," said Lemmy. "We have to be done."

"We’re not done until I say so," hollered Wendy. She observed the room. "We’re done," she smiled.

"Great!" smiled Lemmy.

"Who are we going to get to try our mind alternator machine?" asked Wendy.

Lemmy looked at Wendy. Wendy looked at Lemmy. Lemmy produced his freeze gun. Wendy produced a fish. Lemmy giggled. Wendy stomped her shoed foot. Lemmy aimed his freeze gun again. Wendy jumped into the machine. Lemmy pressed the on switch. Wendy screamed.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Iggy landed his doomship on the landing pad of the castle. He was just about to get off the doomship when he remembered that he had nothing else to lure Yoshi with. Yoshi had, of course, finished eating Iggy’s shell a long time ago (Iggy had thrown it away into the stage crew member’s face)(running gag). Iggy would already have been lunch, but the shell he was wearing had spikes on it, and Yoshi could not eat it, and also Yoshi was not there. Iggy transported (crawled) (running gag) himself off the doomship to go search for a new bait for Yoshi. Yoshi was left all alone on the doomship. The doomship was empty.

"Yoshi hungry!" he moped.

Iggy reappeared in the castle’s dungeons. One of the nearby cells housed Ludwig, who was being punished for rough-housing with Iggy.

"Having fun, Ludwig," Iggy laughed.

"When I get out of here, you are gonna be so dead!" threatened Ludwig.

Iggy left the dungeons, wondering how a person could be more or less dead.

Iggy took the elevator up to the floor where the Koopa Kids resided. On the way to his room, he passed Wendy.

"Hi, Wendy," greeted Iggy. Iggy and Wendy were currently on good terms.

"Meow," said Wendy, as she walked by on four feet.

"You seem different, but I can’t put my claw on it," said Iggy.

Wendy purred and rubbed against Iggy.

"Whoa, Wendy! Calm down," smiled Iggy. Wondering what had caused her to act so suspiciously, he entered the room she had come out of.

Entering the room (he is entering), Iggy saw Lemmy standing in front of a machine. The machine had a large square base with an open snout at the top. Thin wisps of steam were emitting from the snout.

"What is this?" asked Iggy.

"This is my mind alternator," laughed Lemmy. "I just told Wendy’s mind to be a cat!"

"Did you get Bowser’s permission to do that," asked Iggy.

"Who wants to know (running gag)?" asked Lemmy.

"Does Bowser know that this invention exists?" pressed Iggy.

Lemmy frowned. "No. Hey, are you threatening me?" He pointed his freeze gun at Iggy. "I think I’ll turn you into a dog."

"You can’t scare me," said Iggy, boldly. He used his magic and shrunk Lemmy (although he’s small already so nobody could tell).

"You can’t do that to me," said Lemmy. "I am the author’s favorite Koopaling."

"So erase me," dared Iggy.

"That wouldn’t be funny," explained Lemmy. "Besides. He’s already decided to erase Larry. Didn’t you read the script?" Seeing that he was getting nowhere, he took his freeze gun and left.

Iggy was left alone with the mind alternator machine. "Gee, what can I do with this?" Iggy wondered…

* * * * * * * * * * *

Toad finally woke up. He quickly surveyed the area, and of course, did not see Yoshi. "Where is Yoshi?" he asked.

Immediately, Mario and Luigi jumped up, began to dance (jumped up and down), and BADLY hummed the music from Super Mario Bros. 1.

"Why are you jumping up and down?" asked Toad.

"We’re dancing!" insisted Luigi.

"You just said the name of this story," Mario explained, "so we have to do the story’s theme song and dance." Mario and Luigi finally finished and sat back down.

Toad rolled his eyes. "That was the old name of the story. It got changed. Didn’t you read the script (running gag)? But seriously, where is Yoshi?"

Mario and Luigi jumped up again and started dancing and humming.

"Come on, you guys!" Toad pouted, "What place is Yoshi in?"

"I don’t recall," said Mario.

"Don’t worry," said Luigi. "He couldn’t have been kidnapped by a Koopa, could he?"

"Yes he could!" said Larry.

"Larry!" exclaimed Peach, "how did you get here?"

"I transported (bounced) myself," said Larry, casually, "It’s the only way to travel."

Mario said "."

Luigi said, "What are you doing here?"

"I came here to tell you that my brother Iggy took Yoshi to our castle in Giant Land about an hour and a half ago," explained Larry. "You were all sleeping, and did not notice."

"How can we trust you?" demanded Luigi. "You are a cheater and a liar."

"That is not nice," scolded Mario.

"I’m telling you because if my brother Iggy succeeds in his plan, he will take over the entire Mushroom Kingdom and he won’t give me anything," said Larry. "Well, I’ll show him. Turn about is fair play! Also, this story would be stuck here if some one didn’t tell you what to do."

Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toad held a conference (about who had the best hair). Finally Luigi said, "Okay, Larry, we’ll go with you, but if we die, you’re going to hear about it!"

Larry giggled. "I’m sure I will. Anyway, the path is to your left, if you can figure out which side is your left. I’ll see you later. Bowser would kill me if he saw me traveling with you!" Larry laughed as he transported (slithered) away.

Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toad looked puzzled.

"Which way is left?" asked Mario.

* * * * * * * * * * *

An emergency siren sounded, and all of the characters rushed onto the center stage, where many of the badly made scenery props were located.

"Hey, what’s wrong?" asked Mario.

"The author was going to put a commercial break here, but the plans fell through," said Ludwig, always the no it all (not a mistake, he rarely knows anything).

"I’ll bite whoever is hindering the author!" wagged Bagels. "Me too!" agreed Playful, after Bagels had put on a pair of cat ears.

"I don’t think you want to bite a computer," said Toad.

"The author can’t post the commercial because it is on the downstairs computer and the monitor is dead," said Yoshi.

"The author decided that this scene is as funny as the commercial break, but I disagree!" said Wendy. She dropped to the floor and threw a tantrum. Then she jumped up and raced to the other side of the room. "I like this scene!" said Susan.

"I think we’ve filled enough time," decided Roy.

"Yes!" agreed Lemmy, balancing on his ball. "Let’s get on with the story."

* * * * * * * * * * *

After finally figuring out which way was left (they knew because there was a wall to their right) Mario and Luigi headed out on the Koopa bashing trail. They left Toad and Peach at the castle to bathe. Luigi bought a piggyback ride on Mario by giving him a three-month-old hamburger.

They had not been on the trail for long when suddenly they heard the loud rumbling. Luigi rolled his eyes and said, "Mario, your stomach is rumbling."

"It is not," retorted Mario, "Your stomach is rumbling. After all, you haven’t eaten in 5 minutes."

"Hey, I can go 5 minutes without eating," insisted Luigi.

Mario laughed. "Oh yeah, I’d like to see you try."

"Fine!" said Luigi, "but when I win, you gotta give me your candy money for a month."

"Good luck!" laughed Mario, "but when I win, you gotta tell me how to make your secret sauce!"

"Not the secret sauce!" stammered Luigi.

"Chicken!" taunted Mario.

"I resemble that remark," said Luigi. "Fine, candy money versus secret sauce I go five minutes without eating."

"You got yourself a bet!" smiled Mario. The brothers punched each other to seal the deal.

"I’m hungry," pouted Luigi.

Suddenly, Roy Koopa drove out of some conveniently placed nearby bushes and drove right at Mario and Luigi.

"Whoa!" cried Luigi.

"I’m not a horse," yelled Mario. "I don’t respond to ‘whoa’."

"Well obviously you do!" cracked Luigi.

While they were bickering, Roy was continuing to drive at full speed. He rammed into Mario, who fell to the ground. Luigi flew into the air and fell on Mario.

Roy laughed at his sneaky trick. "You should have seen yourselves," he laughed. "You looked like an empty headed dummy and a ripe for eating chicken!"

Mario threw Luigi to the ground and jumped up. "You can’t do that to me!" he yelled.

"I already did!" sneered Roy. "Now I’m gonna do it again!"

Roy started to charge at the fallen Luigi. Just before Luigi was crushed, he picked up a nearby rock and hurled it at Roy’s sunglasses. The rock knocked off the sunglasses and the bright sun blinded Roy.

"I can’t see!" wailed Roy. His motorcycle swerved and just missed Luigi. After a few more swerves, he ended up hitting a tree. Roy fell to the ground, dazed.

Mario and Luigi approached Roy, very pleased with themselves. Smiling, Mario said, "I’m gonna tie him up."

Luigi stared at Mario. "I was the one who beat him. I should tie him up."

Mario stomped his foot. "I want to tie him up!" he sniffled.

Luigi looked angry, but suddenly he smiled. "Hey Mario, I went 5 minutes without eating. I win!"

Mario lay down on the ground and started to cry. While Mario cried and Luigi laughed, Roy got up and drove away. Muttering to himself, he said, "This story is weird. I think the author is an infected elf (running gag)."

* * * * * * * * * * *

Iggy carried the heavy machine back to his doomship, where Yoshi was having a nap (no props were needed to show this). When he reached the doomship, he put the machine down with the mouth facing up. Then, he put a chicken leg (from Luigi) into the machine. He waited a minute and then slammed a garbage lid over the top of the machine. "Now Yoshi is mine!" sneered Iggy. He picked up the machine and started making his way back to his room.

"This scene isn’t very funny," said Iggy. "I hope the author isn’t running out of ideas."

A booming voice suddenly sounded overhead. "This scene isn’t supposed to be funny. It is supposed to break up the Mario scenes and get Yoshi into your room."

"If we argue, it can be funny," said Iggy in an offhanded manner.

"This story has too many arguments already," said the voice. "Just go back to your room now."

Iggy sighed and continued on his way.

"Yoshi hungry!"

* * * * * * * * * * *

Mario and Luigi continued down the path, Mario’s eyes very red from crying. All of a sudden, a figure swooped down from the sky and landed right in front of the two plumbers. "Now I’ve got you!" it yelled.

Mario rubbed his eyes. "Who are you?" he asked, puzzled.

The figure looked surprised. "I am Susan B. Koopa! How could you not have heard of me?"

Luigi scratched his head. "Susan B. Koopa? There is no Susan B. Koopa."

Susan laughed. "So much you know! Now I’m gonna to do some hocus pocus and send you back to earth for good.

"You don’t exist," said Mario.

"I do too exist!" stomped Susan.

"You don’t you don’t you don’t you don’t you don’t!" insisted Mario, jumping up and down.

"Mom!" cried Susan. "Do I exist?"

"Shhh!" said a voice from behind a bush. "I’m not supposed to exist either."

"But do I, Mom?" pouted Susan.

The voice sighed. "Well, to tell you the truth, no."

Susan’s eyes widened. "How can I not exist?"

"The author is an infected elf (running gag)," said the voice.

Susan sat down and cried and the plumbers walked right through her. Shaking his head, Luigi said, "This story is all not good and bad-like. Someone didn’t read the script."

"It wasn’t me," insisted Mario. "Now, who’s the next Koopa again?"

* * * * * * * * * * *

Wendy walked very dejectedly down the hallway, hoping to get back at Lemmy. Suddenly, Bagels walked in from a door on Wendy’s right. "Ooh, a stray cat!" wagged Bagels. "If I kill it, Bowser will be proud of me!"

Wendy was about to reply hotly, when suddenly Bagels raced around her, left the hallway through a door on Wendy’s left, and came back through the same door wearing black cat ears. "Ooh, a stray cat!" hissed Playful. "If I use it as a scratching post, Bowser will be mad at me!"

Bagels threw off the ears and raced around Wendy. "I found it first! Back off!"

Bagels raced around again. "You’re not the boss of me," hissed Playful.

Bagels raced around again and then struck Wendy. "Whatcha gonna do about it?" barked Bagels.

"Nobody dares defy the all mighty Playful!" spit Playful after Bagels ran around again.

Suddenly, Wendy spit (screamed in cat language). All of the running around had made her dizzy. She raced down the hallway with Bagels right behind, holding the cat ears in her left back paw.

Just before Bagels caught her, Wendy saw Iggy walking down the hall, still carrying the machine. Wendy leaped down the hall and into his arms, causing him to drop the machine. The lid fell off, and Yoshi ran out (or so the script says).

Iggy looked very angry. "Wendy, what is the meaning of this!" he yelled. But Wendy could only meow. Shaking his head, Iggy dropped Wendy to the floor, picked up the machine, and raced down the hallway. He followed the trail of Koopa Troopas that had been eaten (and thrown off stage into the stage crew member’s face).

Wendy was left alone in the dark hallway. ‘Good doggy, nice kitty!’ thought Wendy, shaking.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Mario and Luigi continued to continue down the trail. Suddenly, ominous music began to play in the background.

"Oh great, more trouble," grumbled Luigi.

"I think it’s got a cool beat," smiled Mario. He began to dance (jumped up and down) (running gag).

"You call that dancing?" challenged Luigi. He began to dance (jumped up and down higher than Mario).

While Mario and Luigi were arguing over who was the best dancer, Morton rounded a bend in the road and walked towards the dancers at a leisurely pace.

Luigi spotted him first and stopped dancing. "Hey, Morton, nice of you to finally appear in the story."

Morton snarled. "This is my second appearance in the story. I was the fish Wendy tried to fight with earlier."

"How did you get from the castle to here?" asked Mario, still dancing.

"Yeah, you couldn’t have walked, could you?" asked Luigi.

"Okay," agreed Morton.

Mario and Luigi looked at each other with a puzzled expression. "Hey!" started Luigi. "You finished an entire sentence without rambling on!"

Morton nodded. "The author decided that this story was long enough without my talking. But while we’re on the subject of talking, what happened to your Italian accent? I always liked it."

Mario and Luigi looked at each other again. "I guess the author didn’t have room for that either," concluded Luigi. Mario was still scratching his head.

"So, what are you going to do to us?" asked Mario.

"I haven’t decided," said Morton. "The script said that I was suppose to try to scare you away from Iggy’s castle. Uhh, boo?"

"If you had read the script, you would have known what to do," said Luigi.

"Sorry," pouted Morton. "Well, I guess I failed, so you can go."

"Thanks," said Mario as he and Luigi continued down the road.

* * * * * * * * * * *

"Here Yoshi, heeeereeeee Yoshi!" Iggy was still searching for Yoshi in the vast Koopa palace. Finally, he sat down on the floor. "I can’t find him anywhere!" sighed Iggy.

"Come on!" cried the booming voice Iggy had heard before. "Hasn’t anyone read my script? Yoshi is in the kitchen. Sheesh!"

"Thanks!" called Iggy. He took the elevator down to the kitchen, where he found Yoshi munching pizza-sized chocolate chip cookies (this time, the cookies were thrown at Ludwig’s face, who ate them happily). Iggy snuck up and bagged Yoshi in his machine (machined?). Leaving the room, he snagged a cookie as a "traveling snack."

Iggy arrived in his room and set down the machine. "You will not be a dinosaur for long!" he laughed, rubbing his hands with glee.

"Yoshi scared!" said Yoshi. Iggy shook the machine to make up for Yoshi’s lack of shaking.

"How did I find out that this machine is a mind alternator?" wondered Iggy.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Iggy’s castle rose into view as Mario and Luigi continued along the trail. All of a sudden, a three-sided wall appeared behind Mario and Luigi. Larry suddenly transported (flew on a rocket) himself to block the opening. "We’re trapped!" shouted Mario.

Luigi pulled out his copy of the script and flipped through it. "This wasn’t supposed to happen," he said. "We were supposed to get to the castle without any further problems so that we could get to Iggy before he pulled the switch on Lemmy and Wendy’s machine."
Larry laughed. "Looks like I’ve turned the tables. I’m going to be the Koopa that Bowser recognizes, me! I’m gonna take over the entire Mushroom Universe, and some of yours too!"

"You can’t do this!" threatened Mario.

"So erase me (running gag)!" challenged Larry.

Suddenly, a large pink eraser on the end of a humongous pencil fell from the sky. It rubbed out Larry’s body, leaving only his head.

"You won’t get away with this!" shrieked Larry. "I’ll be back!" He rolled away.

"Isn’t that Toad’s line?" asked Luigi. Mario shrugged.

Mario and Luigi continued towards the castle, and reached it without any further trouble. They entered the door and started searching for Iggy.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Iggy laughed as his hand lay on the switch. "I’m gonna turn you into a Super Koopa, strong enough to defeat any plumber!"

Suddenly, sirens went off. Iggy looked at the castle monitors and saw that he was being invaded. "Rats, phooey, and other words not fit for print!" shouted Iggy.

"What’s wrong?" asked Lemmy, who had grown back to full size.

"Look at the screen, shortie!" shouted Iggy. "Mario and Luigi have made it to my castle!"

"So?" asked Lemmy. "Why don’t you just pull the switch now?"

Iggy rolled his eyes. "That would be too easy! To prove myself, I must face those goofballs and defeat them once and for all!"

Lemmy shrugged and transported (rolled on his ball) himself away while Iggy left his room to go find Mario and Luigi.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Mario and Luigi walked down a hallway until they reached the end. "Ouch!" cried Mario as he walked into the wall.

The plumbers looked to their left and to their right. To the left was a large lava pool with a few stepping stones. Iggy was standing at the far end of the pool. To the right was an elevator. Iggy was standing inside the elevator

"Well, I guess I’m going left," said Mario.

"Wait!" shouted Luigi. "The script says that the person who goes left will fall in. If I fall in, Iggy can crack a joke about fried chicken."

"But the script says I’m supposed to go left," pouted Mario.

"Well, no one else has followed the script, so why should we?" asked Luigi. "You take the elevator."

Scowling, Mario went right as Luigi went left.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Luigi took a deep breath as he started to jump across the stepping stones. At first, it looked like he might make it, but as Luigi stepped on the last stone, it cracked under his weight and he fell into the lava.

"What a dummy!" laughed Iggy.

"No, you fool!" shouted Luigi. "I’m Luigi, not Mario."

"What?" started Iggy. "You’re supposed to be Mario."

"Sorry, I’m his better looking brother, Luigi."

"You didn’t follow the script," complained Iggy.

"Has anyone followed the script?" asked Luigi.

"I don’t recall," replied Iggy, "but it looks like I’m winning." Iggy left the room, laughing.

* * * * * * * * * * *

"Ah, welcome Luigi!" smiled Iggy as Mario walked into the elevator.

"Luigi?" yelled Mario. "Sorry, I’m his better looking brother, Mario (running gag)."

"Hey, you goofed up!" complained Iggy, "but more importantly, what’s with all these running gags?"

"I guess the author thinks they’re funny," said Mario.

"Yeah, well, forget him!" said Iggy. "Anyway, going up?" Iggy pressed one of the elevator’s buttons and the elevator began to rise.

All of a sudden, Iggy whipped out from behind his back a super sized pizza with everything on it (and I mean everything). Unable to help himself, Mario gobbled up the entire pizza.

When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, Iggy walked out casually, but Mario could not fit through the doors. Iggy laughed as the bottom of the elevator dropped out and Mario plunged to his doom.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Iggy walked into his room and began to laugh uncontrollably. "With no one else to stop me, I can’t lose!"

Iggy approached the machine and put his hand on the switch. All of a sudden (why do all these things happen so suddenly), the real Yoshi walked onto the stage.

(Cast Change: Yoshi will be played by himself, from Yoshi’s Island.)

"Yoshi here! Sorry Yoshi late."

Iggy slapped his forehead. "Late! We’re in the last scene!"

The booming voice spoke again. "Now Iggy, better late than never. Yoshi, take your place."

"Where Yoshi supposed to be?" Yoshi appeared to be very confused.

"You’re in the machine," explained Iggy. "I am about to pull the switch.

Yoshi gasped. "That not in script! Didn’t Iggy read script? Besides, Yoshi scared of machine."

Yoshi bolted forward towards Iggy. Iggy tried to jump out of the way, but did not quite make it. Yoshi bumped into the machine and conveniently landed on the switch. Screams emerged from the machine.

Iggy emerged from the machine and immediately curled himself into a semi circle and stopped moving. The machine had told Iggy’s mind to be a banana!

Yoshi ate the machine and then went to Yoshi’s Island. There he lived happily ever after, eating, sleeping, and saving the world better than Mario and Luigi ever could.

P.S. Princess Toadstool and Toad were never allowed back into the castle again.

Written, edited, copied, thought of, imagined, read, sent, and whatever else you can think of by Lemmy Koopa.

Thanks to Rare for Gruntilda, who played Princess Toadstool.

Thanks to some car company for the dummy, who played Mario.

Thanks to the cleaning company for Mr. Clean, who played Wooster.

Thanks to the Nintendo adventure books for inventing Wooster.

Thanks to Cartoon Network for DeeDee, who played Susan and Wendy, and Mama, who played Mom.

Thanks to the Peanuts and Charles Schultz for Joe Cool, who played Roy.

Thanks to whatever cartoon Great Guy, who played Lemmy, came from.

Special thanks to my sister Wendy for coming up with some of the jokes. Of course, I gave her a sense of humor.

And very special thanks to Nintendo for inventing all the characters. Without Nintendo, this story would be about a snail race. This is the one serious comment in the entire story.

Thanks to the Koopa Kids Super Mario Fort for its comment about what would have been without Nintendo.

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