Chapter 7: A New-Old...ish Threat
Wario and Waluigi land on Oho Oasis. Waluigi quickly jumps out of the sand.
Waluigi: Wow, who knew that skydiving lessons in the middle of a desert would eventually allow me to survive a horrible crash in a Bean-related place? All right, Wario, let's-a go! Wario?
Waluigi can't see Wario anywhere. In a panic, Waluigi runs all over the beach.
Waluigi: WARIOOOOOOOO!!!
Wario: WHAT?!
Waluigi: WHERE ARE YOU?
Wario: You're STANDING ON ME, BLITHERING FOOOOoooooooooooooOOOOOOooooOOOooooL!
Waluigi: What was that?
Wario: *gasp* He's on to me!
Wario turns into a Black Chest Demon and flies away.
Waluigi: This wasn't funny in even the slightest way. Well, now what?
An Oho Jee walks up to Waluigi.
Waluigi: Hello. Have you seen my idiot of a brother?
Oho Jee: No, I am your father!
Luke Skywalker: NO! IT CAN'T BE TRUE! I CAN'T BE THE OFFSPRING OF A "SPECIAL" PERSON!
Oho Jee: Trust in your feelings, you know it to be true.
Luke Skywalker: I WON'T LIVE LIKE THIS!
Luke Skywalker pulls out a remote control. An X-Wing suddenly appears and blasts him. In the middle of the blasting crater is Wario. Oh, and the X-Wing leaves.
Waluigi: WARIO! HOW'D YOU GET DOWN THERE?!
Wario: Well, I fell millions of feet into unstable sand. How do you THINK I got down here?
Waluigi: Good point.
Oho Jee: Me happy now!
Wario: I am too. I CAN BREATHE! I CAN MUG!
Wario steals everything from the Oho Jee.
Oho Jee: You stole my experience points!
Wario: Lame.
Waluigi: Agreed.
Iggy: I... Oh wait, you didn't say "I agree". Never mind then.
Iggy leaves.
Wario: Now what?
Oho Jee: Build me a lifeguard tower.
Waluigi: NO!
Thunder God and Fire God appear in a bolt of lightning and a roar of fire respectively in front of Wario and Waluigi.
Gods: YOU WILL BUILD IT FOR KING OHO JEE NOW! OR, BE FRIED BY OUR POWER!
Wario: He's the king?
Gods: WE GUESS SO. HE TOUCHED THE THUNDER AND FIRE ORBS WITHOUT PERISHING, SO WE GO WITH IT.
Waluigi: Fine...
After 10 hours of being lazy, Wario and Waluigi build a lifeguard tower. Suddenly, something washes up on the beach.
Waluigi (using binoculars): HEY! A piece of the Koopa Cruiser landed on the beach.
Waluigi takes a closer look.
Waluigi: OH MY DAD! IT'S A GUY!
Waluigi uses mouth-to-mouth recusitation on the thing that washed up. Suddenly, he comes alive!
Guy: GET OFFA ME!
Wario: Don't we know you?
Guy: I'm that Random Bowser Junior Baddie that fell into the ocean! And now, I SHALL TAKE MY REVENGE!
King Oho Jee eats Random Bowser Junior Baddie. Then, he spits him out... as another OHO JEE!
Bowser Junior Baddie: Haha! Me is me and three is R2D2!
Waluigi: Does that make any sense whatsoever?
Wario: Nope.
Waluigi: All right, just getting a reality check there...
Wario: Now what?
King Oho Jee: GET OFF MY ISLAND!
Wario: Or what?
King Oho Jee evolves into Slowbro!
Waluigi: A POKEMON?!
King Slowbro: MEGA PUNCH!
King Slowbro punches Wario and Waluigi back to the mainland. Then, he turns back into King Oho Jee. However, this has no real value, as the screen soon changes to Fawful, who is randomly wandering around Beanbean Outskirts.
Fawful: What are we in the doing of now?
Cackletta's Soul (in Fawful's headgear): GET ME A BODY!
Fawful: But all we have done in the finding of is that which is a Fighter Fly and he who is buff, like Iggy's imagination of himself, and is given the label of Rawk Hawk.
Cackletta: Yeah, I'm going to possess a sweaty guy or an insect. ANYONE GOOD?!
Fawful: No.
Bowser Jr suddenly falls from the sky.
Fawful: How about this guy?
Cackletta: HE'S SO SMALL!
Fawful: AND I AM DOING THAT WHICH IS LOSING MY PATIENCE... AND FAWFUL ALREADY HAS AS MUCH AS A VEGETARIAN BUYING A MONKEY!
Cackletta: THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
Fawful: I HAVE FURY!
Fawful injects Cackletta into Bowser Junior's body. The screen goes black, but Cackletta's idiotic trademark cackle is heard once more. Then, we see the Wario Bros. shoot through the roof of Beanbean Castle.
Queen Bean: Did you get the Beanstar?
Wario: No, but we killed Cackletta.
Queen Bean: Good enough.
Wario: Pay?
Queen Bean: Not yet.
Wario: *whine*!
Queen Bean: I'll pay double because something special is happening: P.T. PIRANHA IS VISITING THE BEANBEAN KINGDOM!
Wario Bros: OH NO, NOT HIM!
Queen Bean: Yes, but I need you two idiots to do something less important: guide Toadette through Teehee Valley to Littlefungi Town from Beanbean Airport.
Waluigi: Why?
Queen Bean: You don't know it, but Toadette is the heir to the great Toad legion, which is filthy rich! Treat her well, and we might be blessed enough to get some of that cold, hard cash!
Wario: All right then.
Queen Bean: But first, you must destroy Mom Piranha's egg, which is infesting the airport with Piranha Plants.
Wario Bros: That shouldn't be a problem.
Queen Bean: Why not?
Wario and Waluigi leave. Then, they go to Starbeans Cafe.
E. Gadd: WELCOME! Since everyone in Beanbean Castle Town died, I'M running Starbeans. How may I help you?
Waluigi: Got a weed whacker?
E. Gadd: No.
Wario Bros: Awwww!
E. Gadd: Do you got any beans?
Wario: No.
E. Gadd: Awwww!
Wario and Waluigi leave.
Wario: Well, I'm all out of ideas.
Waluigi: Who knows? Foreman Spike could've destroyed it already.
Suddenly, Dogma reappears.
Dogma: ROAR!
Wario Bros: OH NO! YOU'RE WORSE THAN P.T.!
Suddenly, Dogma just flies away and drops a note.
Wario: Huh?
Note: I have Foreman Spike, so he didn't destroy it. Hugs and kisses, Shadow the Yoshi.
Waluigi: WHAAAAA! TALKING NOTE!
Waluigi sets the note on fire.
Wario: 0.0
Waluigi: Well, to pain and misery we go!
Wario and Waluigi walk to Beanbean Airport, somehow avoiding the three stooges.
Beanies: HEY!
Or not...
Wario: Yeah, we're here to protect Toadette.
Airport Attendant: All right, let me just search you and register you.
The Airport Attendant stares into space for three minutes.
Waluigi: How long is this going to take! I mean, there isn't even anyone else here!
Attendant: Um... Two guests... Long lines yesterday... TWO HOURS!
Wario: FORGET THIS!
Wario and Waluigi walk onto the runway. Suddenly, the manager of the airport walks in.
Manager: What were you THINKING, man?
Attendant: Two hours?
Manager: If you don't do a better job, I'm making HIM employee of the month!
Manager is pointing to Scruffy.
Scruffy: Scruffy doesn't like cleaning up airline food.
Meanwhile, Wario and Waluigi are at the runway. Suddenly, Toadette's plane crashes. Toadette limps out of the debris.
Toadette: WHAT THE %$^#$ WERE YOU #%^$%^#$% IDIOTS #%&^%@ THINKING?! I MEAN, THERE'S A GIANT PIRANHA PLANT ON THE $%^$#$% RUNWAY @$%^%#^&%&*%^&#%^#$%&$&%(*^&&%$&!
Wario: Couldn't you just mulch it with your plane?
Toadette: My $^$%^&$% PILOTS ARE %&^$%*!@#$ IDIOTS! I THOUGHT YOU'D %$^^$%^# FIGURE THAT OUT $%^&^%&%#%^$%#! KILL IT NOW!
Wario: Why are you talking like Toad?
Toadette: BECAUSE I ^$@@$@% LIKE TOAD YOU %$^&$&*%^^%$@! NOW, GO AND $@%@$^$ KILL THAT @^%#@#$%@#$ NOW!
Waluigi: Fine...
Wario: Why are you agreeing?
Waluigi: We waste lines of text when we disagree, just like we are now.
Wario: Oh... There's a limit?
DAD WILLS THAT LIMIT!
Wario Bros: -_-
Wario and Waluigi walk over to Mom Piranha.
Mom Piranha: Do you nice fellows babysit?
Waluigi: Let us see your kids, and we'll reply.
Mom Piranha: WHAT! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO TAKE AWAY MY KIDS?! I'VE WATCHED THE NEWS! YOU THIEVES STEAL OUR CHILDREN AS SOON AS YOU APPLY FOR A BABYSITTING JOB! PREPARE TO BE SLOWLY DIGESTED OVER A PERIOD OF 1,000 YEARS!
Sarlacc: HEY! I DO THAT TOO!
Mom Piranha: Aren't you supossed to be in a galaxy far, far away?
Sarlacc: Oh yeah... Well, there isn't any sand, so...
Sarlacc explodes.
Mom Piranha: YOU KILLED MY ONLY FRIEND!
Waluigi: But you did with your anger!
Mom Piranha: SHUT UP AND DIE!
Wario: Oh boy...
Wario (60/60 HP)
Waluigi (55/55
HP)
VS
Mom Piranha (200/220
HP)
Mom Piranha: WHY DO I HAVE REDUCED HEALTH?!
I'm too lazy to fix my own typos.
Mom Piranha: THAT'S IT!
Mom Piranha grabs me and *gasp* Need... air! *wheeze*
Wario: Don't choke the narrator!
*wheeze* Oh, thanks Wario. Wario frees me. Then, I use "Revenge of the Narattor on the paranoid Piranha Plant" on Mom Piranha. Instant KO! Wario and Waluigi win!
Battle End
Wario: Well, that was pathetic.
Waluigi: I'm wondering... why is she called MOM Piranha?
Mom Piranha's skin opens, revealing millions of Piranha Plant seeds. They all go into the ground. Soon, Shy Away falls on the airway.
Shy Away: YAY! THE KINGDOM OF PLANTS! I THINK I'LL DO A LITTLE WATERING RIGHT HERE!
Shy Away waters the runway, and millions of Piranha Plants sprout out. They all devour Shy Away.
Shy Away: You know, I HATE PLANTS! WITH MY LAST BREATH, I CURSE ALL OF VEGETATION!
Piranha Plant: Hey... Where's mommy?
Piranha Plant 2: WE'LL KILL WHOEVER DESTROYED MOMMY!
Oh... um... WARIO AND WALUIGI DID IT!
Piranha Plants: WHAT?!
Wario Bros: WHAT?!
Piranha Plant 15,602: GET 'EM!
Wario Bros: OH NO!
Kool-Aid Guy: OH YEAH!
Piranha Plants: KOOL-AID!
Koolaid Guy: Aw snap.
The Kool-Aid Guy spills himself. Scruffy walks onto the runway of distracted Piranha Plants.
Scruffy: Scruffy's Spidey Senses say that there's a big mess. Oh, Scruffy sees weeds.
Scruffy pulls out a lawn mower.
Piranha Plants: THAT'S SUPOSSED TO SCARE US?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The lawn mower turns into a chainsaw.
Piranha Plants: AW CRUD!
Scruffy cuts down all of the Piranha Plants. Suddenly, Foreman Spike randomly falls out of the sky.
Foreman Spike: FREEDOM! AND NOW, I'M GOING TO BLOW UP THIS ENTIRE AIRPORT!
Wario Bros: Typical.
Toadette: WHAT THE $!#^$%#$^#$#^%##^?!
Foreman Spike blows the entire airport up, sending everyone but Scruffy into the air.
Scruffy: Scruffy ain't cleaning up this mess.
Wario: Will we be injured?
Slowbro appears and slaps the Wario Bros. Then, he goes back to Oho Oasis.
Waluigi: This has horible taste.
Toadette: Agreed.
Chapter 8: Toad Extermination and Bean Expiration
The Wario Bros. and Toadette land in Teehee Valley. Everyone else lands on the rock blocking the way, killing them and shattering the rock.
Toadette: Convenient, Littlefungi Town is just on the other side. NOW YOU TWO $@^$%#w^&$%# WILL TAKE ME $%^%# THERE!
Wario: And if we refuse?
Toadette: I'LL #$%@ RESORT TO %#&$%^6$%8&^%*& CANNIBALISM!
Waluigi: (Freak.)
Wario: Wait...
Wario pulls out a Nintendo Power.
Nintendo Power: I HAVE THE POWER!
Nintendo Power uses its own strategy guide and eliminates all of the monsters. The Wario Bros. and Toadette follow.
Nintendo Power: WE'RE OUT!
Trunkle eats the Nintendo Power.
Trunkle: Hehe, paper taste good.
Nintendo Power: OW! NOOOOO! HOW COULD I MISS ONE?!
Wario: Take THIS, Nintendo hater!
Trunkle: SONY FOREVER!
Wario punches Trunkle, making him shatter.
Waluigi: Which one?
Wario of course! Do you think that a giant rock monster could possibly shatter?!
Waluigi: (Idiot.)
Waluigi puts a Bob-omb into Trunkle's mouth.
Trunkle: This won't end well...
Trunkle explodes, and Wario reforms himself.
Wario: ALL HAIL DAD! I MUST GO TO THE FIRST KOOPAIN CHURCH!
Wrong definition of the word... again.
Wario: Thank DAD! I mean, did you hear what came out of my mouth?!
Toadette: WHAT THE $%^$@% DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH %^#%&^% ANYTHING?!
Two Toads come toward Toadette.
Toad 1: OH MY $^%&@$%# DAD! IT'S ^%$&^%&%^ YOSHI!
Yoshi: Yoshi like funny words!
Toadette: HOW THE $@^%$^ DID YOU GET HERE?!
Yoshi: Magic. HAHAHAHAHAHA! FUNNY WORDS GREAT! YOSHI LOVE FUNNY WORDS!
A dictionary falls out of the sky. One readthrough later...
Yoshi: Yoshi HATE funny words!
Yoshi eats all of the people in Little Fungitown, except the ones in the arcade, the hospital, and in Kamek's house.
The Dryest Bones: Wait, since when did I give Kamek a house?
DAD willed it!
The Dryest Bones: I'm arguing with myself again, aren't I?
Yeah, pretty much...
The Dryest Bones: Well, now that everything's all right...
The Dryest Bones starts chasing a squirrel.
Toadette: WHAT THE #$^%@$^% JUST HAPPENED?!
Yoshi eats Toadette.
Yoshi: That better now!
Wario Bros: FREEDOM! SWEET FREEDOM!
Yoshi: Yoshi keep going Toad hunting in town.
Yoshi goes off to do what he said.
Wario: Well, we might as well check out the town.
Waluigi: Yeah.
Wario and Waluigi check out the town, mostly stealing everything from the shops, including the coins. Eventually, they find the arcade.
Wario: You guys aren't dead?
Manager: Nope. Go ahead and play. First prize is AN INVINCISHROOM! IT MAKES YOU INVINCIBLE!
Wario: Wow... We never could have guessed.
Manager: PEOPLE WHO MAKE FUN OF ME ARE DEMONS! TASTE BEAN FEAVER, DEMONS!
Nintendo Power: How'd you know about that?
Why aren't you dead?
Nintendo Power: Oh yeah...
A mansion falls on Nintendo Power. Meanwhile, the manager is failing to hit the Wario Bros. with Invincishrooms.
Wario: So... these things kill you instead of making you invincible?
Manager: Yeah, why?
Dimentio teleports into the room.
Wario: A guy from Super Paper Mario?
I'M BORED!
Dimentio: My my my... We're a bad little boy. I've been hired by the police to kill you before I turn all evil and stuff. Ciao!
Dimentio kills the manager like what he did to Mr. L in Super Paper Mario. Then, he teleports away.
Wario: Well... that was pointless.
Waluigi: FOOD!
Wario: Why are you freaking out about food? And aren't you supossed to have a higher IQ than me? And why am I not strangling the author right now for making me say this? And what's with these stupid questions?
Waluigi: In order: my doctor said I need to eat more, even if it hurts. You just are having a temporary mental breakthrough. The author is dead... er, undead, so you can't strangle him. Finally, do not question things you cannot understand.
Wario: -_-
Suddenly, Blablanadon swoops in and takes an Invincishroom.
Blablanadon: JUST LIKE I SAID I WOULD IN CHAPTER THREE!!!
Blablanadon eats the shroom and flies away.
Waluigi: Well, now that that catastrophy is over...
Seconds later, Waluigi is in a hospital bed. Wario, Yoshi, Mr. Game & Watch, Don Patch, The Dryest Bones, a LEGO Yoda, and a chicken ceasar salad, hold the onions are surrounding him.
Wario: Other than Yoshi, WHERE'D ALL OF YOU COME FROM?
Everyone: BEEP!
Wario: I can respect that.
Don Patch and the salad explode.
Wario: Wait... Why is there NOT one doctor in this group?
The Dryest Bones and LEGO Yoda: That would be us.
Wario: HUH?
The Dryest Bones: I got a part-time job for no good reason.
LEGO Yoda: I am the real doctor.
Mr. Game & Watch: BEEP!
Wario: Interesting...
LEGO Yoda goes inside Waluigi.
The Dryest Bones: How is it?
LEGO Yoda: It's UGLY! I'm going to have to slice through some blood vessels with my LEGO lightsaber in order to make it look nicer! Oh, and he has Bean Fever.
Yoshi: What Bean Fever? And why is Yoshi even here? Yoshi should be Toad hunting!
Yoshi takes out the Jenie Destroyer 3000, but instead of Jenie, a picture of Toad's face is on it.
Yoshi: SAY ELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!
Yoshi destroys all of the Toads in the hospital.
Yoshi: That everyone.
LEGO Yoda: Well, Bean Fever is a disease that eats away at the very soul of a person. Once their will is broken, they are turned into a bean. Most people take three days to succumb, but this guy will be beanified within the hour. He probably got it from this Invincishroom that is really hot and dissolving my feet right now.
Yoshi: Any cure?
LEGO Yoda: Well, you need Crabby Grass, found in Guffawha Ruins! But... GAHHHH! MY ARM! MY BEAUTFUL... MFFFFFFFFFFFFFF... YOUR CALL HAS BEEN DISCONNECTED...
Wario: WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED?
The Dryest Bones: He probably melted. Anyway, there are scary monsters in those ruins that could easily kill you just by killing you in a killing manner. Kill.
Wario: Woah, what's with all the kill?
The Dryest Bones: I'm doing OVERKILL!
Wario: -_-
The Dryest Bones eats Mr. Game & Watch.
The Dryest Bones: BONE GATE!
A giant portal made out of various skulls appears and teleports The Dryest Bones to his happy place!
Wario: You mean Fort Francis?
Yeah...
Wario: Well, WARIO isn't scared of anything!
Yoshi: Yoshi pay you not to go!
Wario: How much? And why?
Yoshi: Yoshi like beans! And, one Dragon Coin? Which is basically 0.0000000000000000000001 Beanbean coins.
Wario: Hm... Waluigi's life or money? Waluigi... money? MONEY HONEY BUNNY! WAIT, YOU DON'T SPELL BUNNY THE SAME AS MONEY! BUT WHO CARES?
Five seconds later...
Wario: *smooch* I love you, my new Dragon Coin.
Yoshi: And Yoshi will get revenge!
Wario: Say what? MONEY!
Yoshi: AW! YOU'RE TOO SMART FOR ME!
Yoshi takes off his disguise. He's really... ANOTHER YOSHI! Shadow, actually.
Shadow: BUT NOW, THAT STICK FIGURE FOOL WILL SUFFER THE FATE OF 1,000 BURNING BEANS, AND THE CHANCE TO SEE THE INSIDE OF A BURRITO... AND MY STOMACH! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
???: YOU!
Shadow: What?
???: The Super Fist of the Nosehair: Goofy Face Attack!
??? makes a goofy face.
Shadow: Is that it... P.T. PIRANHA?
Suddenly, an explosion occurs, and Shadow is sent into the sky!
Shadow: I'LL REMEMBER THIS!
P.T.: SILENCE, NONBELIEVER!
P.T. jumps out of a window. Wario is now in the fetal position.
Wario: In my happy place... In my happy place... In my happy place...
Yoshi comes in.
Yoshi: Yoshi all done. What happen? Did Shadow come here, and then P.T. used his Goofy Face attack, and Shadow claimed vengence, and The Dryest Bones did some stupid stuff and overused the word kill? And LEGO Yoda melted?
Wario: 0.0 Yeah! How'd you know that?
Yoshi: Well, there's an explosion on the floor, a Yoshi suit in the corner, a piece of nosehair near a broken window, a few bones, the signs of Mr. Game & Watch being eaten, and Waluigi's shirt is now green on the inside. IT'S JUST SO OBVIOUS!
Wario: So... now what?
Yoshi: You save Waluigi, and Yoshi give you coins! Hello?
There is a Wario-shaped imprint in the middle of the wall, as well as tracks going toward Guffawha Ruins.
Yoshi: 0_o
Wario somehow makes it all the way to the ruins without touching a single enemy and starting a boring RPG battle. Then, he gets to the entry puzzle.
Wario: What am I supossed to do?
I DON'T KNOW! I'M TOO LAZY TO REMEMBER HOW I DID THIS!
Wario: You did this?
Um...
Wario: No, don't reply. We'll just go through more stupid diologue.
Wario lifts up a nearby statue and throws it toward the ruins. The door remains unopened. Suddenly, it grows a face.
Face: I am Doorguy the Fourth, forgotten brother of Doorguys the First, Second, and Third.
Wario: Now what?
Doorguy the Fourth: You must play my game! WARPAFOUR!
Wario, Doorguy, Monty Mole, and Terry the Talking Tomato are suddenly transported to a gameshow!
Doorguy the Fourth: And let's meet today's contestants...
Wario: HOLD UP! WHY AM I ON A GAMESHOW? HOW'D WE GET HERE? WHY ARE MONTY MOLE AND TERRY HERE? AND WHO IS TERRY THE TALKING TOMATO?
Doorguy the Fourth: To the first three questions, magic. To the last question, WE GOT A NEW PUN! WE GOT BACK THE GOVERNMENT FUNDING WE LOST FROM THE AMUSHROOM RACE!
Wario: -_-
Doorguy: Al lright, forget the intro! Let's just start asking questions! The winner gets teleported to the fabulus Guffahwa Ruins! The losers get fed to Twinklefairy!
Wario: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TWINKLEFAIRY!
A giant flying Chain Chomp comes and crushes Wario
Chain Chomp: TWINKLEFAIRY HAPPY! FAT MEAT TODAY!
Wario: *gulp*
Doorguy: First question! Why isn't the author calling me by my full name anymore?
Wario buzzes in.
Wario: Because he's stupid!
Doorguy: WRONG! Anyone else?
Terry buzzes in.
Doorguy: TALKING TOMATO!
Terry: Because he's lazy, and your name doesn't have a pun.
Doorguy: CORRECT! Next question...
Because I can't think of any more questions, we skip to 9,034,534,32 questions later.
Doorguy: Now, let's look at our current scores: Monty Mole: 57. Wario: 0. Terry the Talking Tomato: 1,368,543,157,923,719,200 + pi squared. And now, for the FINAL QUESTION! Why does Wario have no points?
Wario buzzes in.
Doorguy: WARIO!
Wario: So... tired... of... questions! IQ... fading... STUPID!
Doorguy: CORRECT! You ARE stupid! You get twice the number of Terry's points that the author is too lazy to put down! YOU WIN!
Wario faints. One second later...
Doorguy: Well, here we are, back to where we first started with your stamina fully replenished and the time not changed.
Foreman Spike comes.
Foreman Spike: By order of the Lemmy's Land "STOP GIVING ME OVERLY LONG CHAPTERS!" committee, I am hearby authorized to blow up these ruins!
Doorguy: WHAT?!
Foreman Spike blows up the ruins, and Crabbie Grass falls into Wario's hand.
Wario: Schweet!
Francis: HEY! THAT'S A TRADEMARKETED SECRET OF DIGIBUTTER.NERR!
Wario: And?
Francis: I... *sigh* never mind...
Francis goes back to giving me cake.
Wario: Well, back to Waluigi.
Wario runs to the hospital.
Wario: EAT IT, LOSER! I HAD TO USE MY BRAIN TODAY, SO IT'S COMING OFF YOUR END OF THE MONEY!
Wario stuffs the plant into Waluigi's mouth. Suddenly, Waluigi jumps out of bed.
Waluigi: WHERE'S THAT ARCADE MANAGER?! I WANNA DESTROY HIM!
Wario: You're too late, Dimentio already did.
Suddenly, a small shriek is heard.
Yoshi: SMALL SHRIEK!
Wario: Yoshi's in trouble!
Waluigi: So?
Wario: HE OWES US MONEY!
Waluigi: OH!
The Wario Bros. walk outside and see that a dumb-looking figure that remotely looks like Bowser's shell with googly-eyes is eating Yoshi.
Wario: BOWSER JUNIOR! HOW DARE YOU KIDNAP THE PERSON THAT I WAS GOING TO RIPOFF?!
Junior: Oh, Bowser Jr. No, no. I think you mean...
Junior turns around.
Junior: BOWLETTA JUNIOR!
Wario: EWWW! IT'S SO UGLY! SHIELD YOUR EYES!
Fawful flies down.
Fawful: Yes, it is quite that which is vomit-enducing. Mistress Cackletta, who Fawful hates with all his fury as a fink-rat now, has fus-ED with the prince of those that are Koopas that is being a bad ripoffs of all the other Koopalings! I HAVE FURY like a bull in a volcano that is painted red!
Bowletta Junior: And now that you did my new intro for me...
Bowletta Junior blasts Fawful with a cannon.
Bowletta Junior: If you ever want to see Yoshi's wallet again, you'll give me the Beanstar!
Waluigi: Why do you want Yoshi again?
Bowletta Junior: Check out my Meowrecorder that I stole from Francis.
Wario and Waluigi watch as Yoshi devours a Peach Bot inside Woohoo Hooniversity and contains Peach's Voice inside a Yoshi Egg that he kept hidden under his saddle.
Wario: And WHY are you taking the whole body?
Bowletta Junior: The sweat welded it to his body.
Wario: Oh...
Bowletta Junior: Now, go get the first piece that fell on the S.S. Chuckola! Oh, and here's a map to the rest of the pieces.
Wario: Wait... WHY don't you do it yourself?
Bowletta Junior: Because I don't like you! See you later, losers! EYEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!
Bowletta Junior flies away.
Wario: Well, looks like the end of the chapter.
Waluigi: Yeah...
Meowrecorder: SELF DESTRUCT ACTIVATED IN 3... 2... 4... 3.14... 17... 1 mazillion... will the owner of the white sudan, oh forget it... ZERO!
Meowrecorder explodes,
and the Wario Bros. helplessly get rocketed to the decks of the S.S. Chuckola.
Chapter 9: X-Mas Day
Wario: Owie.
Waluigi: Agreed.
Zombie Guy: HEY!
Wario and Waluigi see a Zombie Guy pick up a piece of the Beanstar.
Zombie Guy: Is this thing that broke off the hatch yours?
Wario: Um... Yes?
Zombie Guy: THEN YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!
The Zombie Guy walks into the ship.
Wario: Well, now what?
Waluigi: What do you mean now what? We follow that idiot into the ship, steal everything he's got, and destroy him!
Wario: Oh yeah...
Wario goes into the ship. Many explosions are heard. One hour later, he still hasn't come out yet.
Waluigi: What is TAKING him so long?
Waluigi walks into the ship.
Wario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Waluigi: BRO! I'M COMING!
Waluigi barges into a room where Wario, the Zombie Guy with the Beanstar, Scruffy, and the Zombie Captain are playing poker.
Waluigi: THIS is what you've been doing for the last hour?
Wario: Yeah.
Waluigi: YOU'RE SO PATHETIC!
Zombie Captain: Tell me about it. This guy has lost everything but his soul to Scruffy here.
Scruffy: Scruffy don't like doing what he does. Scruffy just does it.
Wario: All right, I bet my soul for that one coin!
Zombie with Beanstar: YEAH! THAT'S ALL IT'S WORTH!
Wario: GRRRRRR!
Waluigi: I'm not going to be around to find out what happens...
Waluigi takes the Beanstar Piece and walks out of the room.
YOU GOT A BEANSTAR PIECE! PRETTY GREEN FLASH!
The Beanstar Piece flashes really brightly in a green color.
Waluigi: GAHHHHHH!
Zombies: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Waluigi: -_-
Suddenly, a boney version of Don Patch comes and takes the Beanstar.
YOU LOST EVERYTHING! WAY TO GO, GENIUS!
Fracktail: ERROR! THAT IS MY LINE!
Fracktail eats the Beanstar piece and dives into the ocean.
Zombie Don Patch: Was that your dragon?
Waluigi: Nope...
Wario: WALUIGI! I FINALLY WON! I KEPT MY SOUL AND GOT ONE COIN AND A GIANT ROBOT DRAGON NAMED FRACKTAIL!
Zombie Don Patch: NOOOOO! YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO WORK IN MY CHOCOLATE FACTORY!
Wario Bros: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Zombie Don Patch: EAT HOT MAGMA!
Zombie Don Patch sprays red Gatoraid at the Wario Bros.
Wario Bros: Is that it?
The Gatoraid turns into crocodiles that all attack the Wario Bros, and The Dryest Bones appears.
Zombie Don Patch: BECOMING CANDY!
Zombie Don Patch turns into candy. The Dryest Bones eats him. He is now... DON ZOMBIEST BONES!
Wario Bros: That's pathetic!
The crocodiles become Pro Wrestlers.
Wario Bros: WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO US?!
Don Zombiest Bones: It was all part of my plan. I secretly used my SUPER SECRET GATORAID OF RANDOMNESS while combinding it with The Dryest Hex. Now, every time something random happens, the Gatoraid will transform into a worse beast. I call it... THE DOOMED CONFUSION STRIKE! Now...THE DRYEST HEX!
Don Zombiest Bones curses the ship with The Dryest Hex.
Pro Wrestler: Prepare for doom, as this ship will transform into a giant turkey in five seconds.
Wario Bros: WHAT?
Pro Wrestler: Two seconds...
Don Zombiest Bones: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The ship explodes. Wario and Waluigi go flying into the air, while a split up The Dryest Bones and a somehow-alive Don Patch get sent 10,000 leagues under the sea. Everyone else gets vaporized in the blast, except for Bloat, who has the Beanstar Piece since Fracktail threw it up in a deleted scene, and Scruffy, who just walks away.
Bloat: I'M STUCK IN THE WALL, BUT I HAVE A SHINY!
The Wario Bros. land in Gwarhar Lagoon.
Wario: Isn't that the SECOND time something like this has happened in the past ten minutes of writing?
Waluigi: Totally. Wait... What happened to the giant turkey?
Bloat turns into a giant turkey, still trapped inside a wall, and lands in front of the Wario Bros.
Waluigi: Oh...
Wario: OUTTA THE WAY!
Turkey: NEVA!
Dynamite falls near Wario and Waluigi.
Turkey: Aw crud...
Wario wears the dynamite like a hat, and then lights it.
Waluigi: YOU IDIOTIC, SIMPLE-MINDED FOOL!
Waluigi holds the dynamite in front of Bloat the Turkey. However, it explodes in his hand. Bloat the Turkey becomes a turkey dinner, but the Beanstar piece goes flying. Oh, and Waluigi gets fried.
Waluigi: *puff*
Wario: YUM!
Wario eats the whole thing in one bite.
Waluigi: YOU'RE AN ANIMAL!
Wario: Thank you, and have a nice day. That'll be 20 coins in my fist.
Waluigi forks over the dough to prevent getting an uppercut. However, Wario dishes it out anyway.
Wario: Let's go to the Jellyfish Sisters' house!
Waluigi: (rubbing his stomach) Why?
Wario: Because I SAID SO! And, this neat postcard said so!
Waluigi: -_-
Postcard: Well I DID!
Wario and Waluigi walk into the next area. Suddenly, three fat Jellyfish Sisters knock them down.
Sister 1: You know, if you stay there, we'll trample you.
Waluigi: And I thought Wario was the fattest thing in the universe.
Sister 2: Well, you don't have to be so mean about it!
Sister 3: Let's face it: we're fat!
Sisters: Yeah...
The sisters go off.
Wario: Remind me to hurt you when I'm not emotionally scarred.
Waluigi: Ditto.
The Wario Bros. walk up to the receptionist desk
Receptionist: That'll be 300 coins for a backrub, 1,000,000 coins for a date, and nothing for my number!
Wario Bros: Riiiiiiiiiiiight...
5 hours later...
Wario: Fried jellyfish is good, huh Waluigi?
Waluigi: We're cannibals now?
Wario: NO! We bought it from the outside store! Everyone else we threw in Barrel Volcano, remember?
Waluigi: Oh yeah...
Wario and Waluigi blow up the receptionist desk.
Foreman Spike: Aw... I WANTED TO DO THAT!
Waluigi: And now, you leave.
Foreman Spike: But... Fine...
Foreman Spike and the Wario Bro.s leave their separate ways. However, the Wario Bros' way is blocked by a Fat Koopa.
Fatty: HEY! THAT'S NOT MY NAME!
Wario: GET OUTTA OUR WAY!
Fatty: No. AND QUIT CALLING ME FATTY!
Meanwhile...
Shadow: I must destroy P.T. for helping Wario... WHERE IS HE?!
Mark: BEEP!
Shadow: What?
Mark: Sorry, our computer's down, and we're improvising. He's in Gwarhar Lagoon in a Fat Koopa suit.
Shadow: I'm not even going to ask. FIRE THE DISINTIGRATION LASER AT ALL FAT KOOPAS!
Shadow fires a cannon. Somewhere in the sky...
P.T. (in a shark suit): Pretty colors!
Back with the Wario Bros.
Giga Fatty: I TOLD YOU TO STOP IT!
Wario: *sigh* This is hopeless.
Waluigi: Dad, please pass judgement on this idiot.
Fat Koopa is destroyed in a flash of light.
Waluigi: Wrong idiot...
Wario: Really? I don't see any other idiots around here... Wait...
Waluigi: I was refering to the author.
The Dryest Bones: D'oh!
The Dryest Bones leaves.
Wario: Well, let's-a go!
Waluigi: K.
The idiotic duo walk down the path, somehow avioding all of the enemies. Eventually, they make it to a construction site where the Hand Powers would really come in handy.
Wario: What now?
Waluigi: Um...
Suddenly, the Angry Sun flies out of the sky.
Angry Sun: I'M ANGRY!
Angry Sun melts all of the construction hazards out of anger.
Cragnon: You just gotta chill, brah.
Wario: All right, this is getting strange.
Angry Sun: CRAGNONS MAKE ME ANGRY!
Angry Sun used Explosion! Cragnon is KO'ed! Angry Sun is KO'ed!
Wario: Please, quit the Pokemon stuff.
Aw... But Pearl Version...
Waluigi: SHUT UP!
The Wario Bros. just keep going until they get to the puzzle where they have to use Spin Jumps.
Wario: FIRE MISSILE ONE!
Wario throws Waluigi over to the switch.
Waluigi: Remind me why we still do this.
Wario: When I find an excuse, I will.
The idiots make it to the stone bridge area.
Wario: Wait... Why can't we just swim across?
Hermie III jumps out of the ocean. The Beanstar Piece is on top of his shell, which makes it look like a Christmas tree.
Hermie: If you even try, I will strike you down with my Santa Claws!
Wario: OH! I GET IT! IT'S A FUNNY PUN!
Hermie: Yes, yes it is. Now, GO MAKE THIS BRIDGE SO THAT YOU CAN FIGHT ME FOR THIS PIECE BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE!
Wario: -_-
Waluigi: -_-
Hermie: Well, what do you expect?
Hermie swims away.
Waluigi: Well...
Wario: LET'S-A GO!
Switch One...
Wario and Waluigi go to the right, aka, the short puzzle.
Waluigi: Hm... It seems we have to hit the switches and knock oversized cannonballs away so we can get to another switch before a timer runs out.
Wario: Or, we could do this.
Wario throws a rock the size of the first section of bridge onto the water.
Waluigi: Why don't we just keep doing that?
Wario: Don't count our blessings. Hermie or The Dryest Bones will probably mess things up if we-
The Dryest Bones: I SHALL DESTROY JUPITER!
The Dryest Bones kisses a picture of Shigeru Miyamoto.
Waluigi: I see the point.
The Wario Bros. enter another puzzle room with the fading Boo statues.
Waluigi: Well, since we can't be cheap like last time, now what?
Wario: We aren't idiots, right?
Waluigi: Well, I'm sure our two and a half brains can come up with something.
Wario: YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! I HAVE ONE HALF OF AN EXTRA BRAIN!
Waluigi: (I have two of them...) WAIT!
Waluigi looks at Wario, and hits him with a hammer. He then turns around. Wario's back hits the statue, and it moves. A switch is revealed.
Waluigi: Well, now we have to use those strange platforms using Spin Jumps to get easy access to that switch.
Hardcore M&LSS Fan: WAIT! THIS ROOM WAS IN THE RIGHT AREA!
I redecorated.
HM&LSSF: -_-
Wario: How about we do this...
Wario shoots Waluigi out of a cannon!
Waluigi: ARE YOU CRAZY?!
Wario: No, just bored.
Waluigi hits the switch. The rest of the bridge appears.
Wario: Wait, weren't there three switches?
Yes, but I hated this area so much that I forgot how it goes.
Wario: All right then.
Wario walks across the bridge. However, I lied: there still is another section of the bridge missing!
Wario: WHA!
Wario falls into the ocean. He emerges on the other side covered in red seaweed.
Waluigi: And what about me?
The Dryest Bones: Try this speedboat!
Waluigi: -_-
Waluigi easily speeds across. He walks to Hermie with Wario.
Hermie: Red shirt... Huge nose... Belly that looks like a bowl of jelly... And even a large beard...
Wario: WHAT?!
Hermie: SANTA! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!
Hermie begins hugging and kissing Wario. Then the seaweed falls off.
Hermie: Oh... MY @$%2@^%@#$!@# BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
Screen: We are experiencing technical difficulties...
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You: WHEN WILL IT END?
Screen: When we fill a full page!
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Screen: DONE!
Back with Wario and Waluigi...
Wario: Is everything all right now?
Hermie: Yeah, I think I'll live.
Waluigi: All right... WE WANT THE STAR THINGY ON TOP OF YOU!
Hermie: NEVA! I'LL NEVER PART WITH MY SHINY! ELVES! DEFEND YOUR MASTER!
Wario: Let me guess: tons of muscular, big guys, right?
Clawgrip, Nipper (Banjo-Kazooie), and a giant Sidestepper appear with elf hats.
Waluigi: As expected...
However, they suddenly transform into ants.
Hermie: ATTACK, ELVEN ANTS!
The ants throw arrows at Wario. However, he just breathes, and they all die.
Hermie: Impressive... No one has ever survived THAT!
Waluigi: Who did you face before?
Hermie: An amoeba and a plankton... Why?
Wario Bros: -_-
Hermie: But now you get a taste of THE SHANTA KLAW!
Hermie starts squeezing Wario. However...
Hermie: Gr... I can't fit my extremely large claw around you.
Wario: DID YOU JUST MAKE A HORRIBLE FAT JOKE?
Hermie: No, but he did...
Wario starts walking. A Boomerang Brother starts following him, blowing a tuba and playing "March of the Elephants".
Wario: STOP IT! I'M VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT MY WEIGHT!
Wario throws the Boomerang Brother at Hermie.
Hermie: IT'S ON NOW!
Hermie starts spinning, creating a whirlwind of sand. Suddenly, presents fly out.
Hermie: Open one... IF YOU DARE!
Wario: PRESENT!
Wario takes all of the presents and opens them. Suddenly, King Boo, Fracktail, Foreman Spike, Shadow the Yoshi, Bonetail, and Big Hairy Tree #2 burst out of the presents.
Hermie: NOW, YOU MUST FIGHT BOTH YOUR PRESENTS AND ME!
Waluigi: WARIO! YOU IDIOT!
Wario: Wait...
Wario tries to count.
Wario: Waluigi versus all of you is unfair.
Waluigi: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WALUIGI?!
Wario runs away.
Waluigi: Typical.
King Oho Jee, The Dryest Bones, P.T. Piranha, Mr. I, and a tied-up Wario appear.
Those People: WE'LL HELP YOU!
Wario: GET ME OUTTA HERE!
Waluigi: YAY!
King Oho Jee: Me angry!
King Oho Jee eats Mr. I. Mr. I fires a laser at P.T., who runs away while strangling The Dryest Bones for no reason.
Waluigi: -_-
King Oho Jee: EVOLUTION!
King Oho Jee evolves into Palkia!
Everyone: WHATTTTT?
Palkia uses Space Break! A black hole appears and warps everyone to horrible injury! Five months later...
Hermie: Now, where were we?
Palkia evolved into Count Bleck!
Hermie: THAT MAKES NO SENSE!
Count Bleck fires Bart Simpson dolls at his enemies. They all then turn into Tails dolls!
Hermie: Oh no...
The Tails dolls all take out bazookas and dynamite and blast everyone but Hermie away. Then, they beat up Hermie.
Count Bleck: ENOUGH, SPAT COUNT BLECK!
Count Bleck turns back into King Oho Jee, and the Tails dolls disappear.
Hermie: Enough! You can have the star!
Beanstar Piece: YOU GOT A BEANSTAR PIECE! PRETTY GREEN FLASH!
A giant, green flash that could easily blind anyone comes out of the Beanstar Piece.
Wario Bros: AAHHHH! OUR EYES!
Hermie: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Wario Bros: -_-
King Oho Jee: GET OFFA MY PROPERTY!
King Oho Jee evolves into a hillbilly and blasts the Wario Bros. back to the Beanbean Kingdom with a plastic shotgun. Then, he turns back to normal.
Wario: WHAT?
DAD WILLED IT!
Everyone: You're just getting more and more pathetic.
I know...