Chapter Whatever Comes After That: The Few-Minute Showdown
Mario comes out of the room he was in before.
Mario: Yeah! We got all of the Crystal Stars!
Fat Head: Now we have to beat Grodus and save Peach!
Mario: Hey, that wasn't part of the deal!
Mario heads down to Sublevel 4.
Fat Head: Shouldn't we be leaving?
Mario: Shouldn't you shut up?
Mario heads into TEC's room.
TEC: Hello. I am TEC, the computer that helped Peach.
Mario: Your point?
TEC: I can let you use the teleporter.
Mario: Your point?
TEC: ... To get out of here.
Mario: Your point?
TEC: Listen, I'm dying, okay?!
Mario: Okay, geez!
TEC: Now, use the teleporter. And tell Peach…
Visions of Peach flash in his head, er… data, er... whatever.
TEC: Tell… tell her… tell her that-
Mario: Get on with it!
TEC: Tell her... hi.
TEC powers down for good.
Mario: Stupid soap operas.
Fat Head: What's that mean, when you sing in the shower?
Mario: Probably.
Mario heads to the teleporter and teleports to Plit.
Mario: Thank goodness, that place smelled.
The X-Naut Fortress blows up.
Mario: Cool!
Mario goes outside and sees Frankly.
Mario: What are you doing here?
Frankly: I was going to check on you to make sure you open the door so I can attack- er congratulate you!
Mario: Hm… Okay!
Frankly: I just saw a guy with a cape head into the door.
Mario: But how did he do that without the Crystal Stars?
Fat Head: My vote's on Gameshark.
Mario: I bet Action Replay.
Fat Head: You're on!
They head to The Thousand-Year Door.
Mario: Usually the author just cuts away, but now we can actually be seen opening the door.
They open the door and go inside.
Mario: Oh come on! You know, I changed my mind. I want to go back!
Mario heads back but the door slams shut.
Mario: Something's telling me that's a bad thing.
Mario and Fat Head go into a room with a long set of stairs.
Mario: Come on, let's go! CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…
FIVE HOURS LATER:
Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…
EIGHT HOURS LATER:
Mario: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…
ELEVEN HOURS LATER:
Mario: aaa…aaa…aaa…arge.
They finally make it to the bottom.
Mario: Took long enough.
They go into a room with a staircase leading down with Bombshell Bills.
Mario: Oh, come- Wait, I have an idea so stupid that it might just get us all killed!
He jumps down to the door.
Mario: Wow, that was easy.
They head into a room with apparently nothing.
Mario: Okay, don't do anything stupid and be careful so you don't-
Fat Head: WHEEE!
He runs as fast as he can and gets stabbed by spikes.
Fat Head: Ah, that tickles.
A feather falls on him.
Fat Head: AAAAH!!! The pain! It burns! Burns!
He explodes.
Mario: Uh oh. I liked that guy.
He swaps to Flurrie.
Mario: Oh great, now I'm stuck with some stupid girl!
Flurrie: What?!
Mario: I mean, uh… Nice hair.
Flurrie: Oh, well it is nice, isn't it?
Mario gets past the spikes just to enter a room covered in flames.
Mario: Meh, no biggie.
Flurrie: Careful.
Mario: Oh relax, I'm always-
He touches a flame.
Mario: HOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOT!!!
Flurrie: You're always hot? Well, whatever.
She blows the flames away.
Mario: Yay! I got rid of the flames!
Flurrie: What are you talking about? I blew them out!
Mario: Okay, so maybe you helped a little.
Flurrie: A little?! I did everything.
Mario: Shut up!
Mario goes forward and encounters a Phantom Ember.
Phantom Ember: OoOoOoOoOo!
Mario: …
Phantom Ember: Hello?
Mario: …
Phantom Ember: Aren't I scary?
Mario: …
Pahntom Ember: Hello…?
Flurrie: …
Mario: .
Phantom Ember: …
Flurrie: …
Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!! A ghost!
He screams so loud that it explodes.
Mario: Well that was successful.
Mario walks to the next room, which has a bunch of Dry Bones.
Mario: ... Eww.
Flurrie: I'll pay you ten dollars to eat the skull!
Mario: Twenty!
Flurrie: Fifteen!
Mario: It's a deal!
CENSORED! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Mario: Ung. I don't feel so good.
Flurrie: Just shut up!
They go up to a Dark Bones.
Dark Bones: You… will... not… pass!
Mario: Yes… I… will!
Dark Bones: Well… uh... Shut… up!
He summons a bunch of Dry Bones.
Dark Bones: You… can't… catch... me!
He bumps into Mario by accident.
RPG BATTLE:
Mario: 75/75 HP
Flurrie: 20/20
HP
Vs.
Dark Bones: 999/999
HP
Four Dry Bones:
99/99 HP each
Mario: Hey! That's no fair!
Dark Bones: So?
Mario: Wait, I have an idea!
He cut all the 9s in half.
Mario: 75/75 HP
Flurrie: 20/20
HP
VS.
Dark Bones: 000/000
HP
Four Dry Bones:
00/00 HP each
Dark Bones: Aaw, you're no fun!
They all blow up.
Mario: Well that was lame.
Mario gets the key and heads through a door into a hallway that seems to go on forever.
Mario: This is taking longer than that Yugioh card battle.
FLASHBACK:
Mario: Okay I made my move. Your turn.
Yugi: (How can I defeat something of such power? Even with that card I still cannot-)
Mario: Just shut up and make your move!
FLASHBACK OVER:
Mario: Yep, those were the good old days.
Flurrie: We use flashbacks?
Mario: Shut up! You're more stupid than that guy at the beach!
FLASHBACK:
Ice Cream Man: Ice cream! Get your ice cream here!
Mario: … You're stupid!
FLASHBACK OVER:
Flurrie: … Okay.
Mario goes into another room.
Mario: This looks easy.
Mario goes to the top door to end up in the previous room.
Mario: Oh, let's try the bottom door.
Mario takes the bottom door and ends up in the same room.
Mario: What the- x_x 0__o 0.0 ROFL!
Flurrie: Um, what was that?
Mario: Well, do you know a way to get out?
Flurrie: Well…
Flurrie blows away a candle and they advance to a large room with a huge tower in the middle.
Mario: Wow! I'm really good at this stuff!
Flurrie: *sigh*
Mario: Well, this room doesn't seem important, so I'll just go in the next door.
Flurrie: Will you stop making this up as you go?
Mario: I dunno.
Mario walks through a hallway, and another, and another, and another-
Marrio: Stop it! This has been a running gag this whole chapter and I don't like it!
Actually, there are only four hallways.
Mario: Oh, sorry.
He enters the next room.
Voice: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAR!
Flurrie: Was that your stomach?
Mario: No.
An insanely loud noise is heard, ten times worse than that roar.
Mario: That was my stomach!
Flurrie: Oh, so what did that first one come from?
Mario: Well, maybe that huge dragon over there.
Gloomtail: ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAR! HALT, INTRUDERS!
Mario: Does that mean we're being rude?
Flurrie: No, I think it means he's going to kill us. Oh @#$%^*!
Gloomtail: YOU DESTROYED HOOKTAIL?!
Mario: I didn't say that.
Gloomtail: WELL, UH, SHUT UP! ANYWAY, YOU KILLED MY LITTLE SISTER?!
Mario: Hooktail's a girl?! Excuse me, I need to, uh… throw up.
Mario goes in the bathroom and comes out shortly after.
Mario: Aah, I feel much better!
Gloomtail: NOW I WILL DESTROY YOU!
Mario: Please be quiet.
Gloomtail: CHARGE!!!
He charges but Mario avoids him and jumps on his head and hammers his eyeballs.
Gloomtail: AAAH! I'M BLIND! I CAN'T SEE A THING! FEELING WEAKER... BODY TREMBLING… IS THAT… A LIGHT? WELL HOW SHOULD I KNOW, I'M BLIND! MUST… GO... TO... LIGHT!
Mario: Whiny baby!
Flurrie: Why are you shining a flashlight in his face?
Mario: Just for fun. Now to get him out of here.
Mario takes that cardboard pie he got in Chapter Three.
Mario: Well who would've known this could actually have a use?
He throws it like a Frisbee.
Gloomtail: OOH! FRISBEE! FRISBEE!
He chases it like a dog.
Flurrie: Wait, if he can't see the cardboard, how can he chase it?
A star key falls on Mario's head. The screen shows Mario's brain and apparently the gears seem to turn and rotate backwards.
Flurrie: What was that?
Mario: It appears to be a star-shaped key of everlasting power that is used to activate a complicated mechanism and open the path to where the treasure lies.
Flurrie: 0__o
Mario: Come on, let's get going.
They go back to the huge room with the tower.
Flurrie: So uh… Now what?
Mario: The process of solving this puzzle is quite simple. Observe.
Mario takes the Chomp heads off of the pipes and hits the two switches to build two boating platforms.
Flurrie: ... I think I like this Mario much better.
Mario heads into the tower and something falls on his head.
Flurrie: Mario?
Mario: Yeah, what just happened?
Flurrie: I think we have to solve the riddles in here.
Mario: No problem! I'm great at riddles!
Flurrie: What's 2+2?
Mario: Uh…
Flurrie: Oh great, he's an idiot now.
Mario: I think I've heard it before.
Flurrie: Then what's the answer?
Mario: Well, I'm pretty forgetful. But I'm still good at riddles.
Flurrie: Well then figure it out!
Mario: Figure what out?
Flurrie: 2+2!
Mario: Yeah, what about it?
Flurrie: Solve it!
Mario: Solve what?
Flurrie: The riddle!
Mario: What riddle?
Flurrie: Just try to figure out the riddles.
Mario: Okay, okay!
ROOM 1:
Sign: Beyond,
beyond, beyond...
Complete All
Seven...
Before, before...
Mario: Um… Yeah, I'll skip that one.
ROOM 2:
Sign: Four stones,
twin stones...
Master of Shadow
and Dark...
Two are one,
one is two...
Mario: That one too.
ROOM 3:
Sign: All you
see isn't all there be...
Stones Have Power
of Stars...
Touch it to pass
through it.
Mario: I'll solve an easier one to try to warm up my brain a bit.
ROOM 4:
Sign: The unseen
may yet be felt...
So That We, the
Grat Ones...
Be it here? Be
it there?
Mario: Maybe the easy ones are on the second floor.
ROOM 5:
Sign: Let fall
the weakest...
And That the
Skies Lie...
And build to
the strongest...
Mario: Um… These might be harder than I thought.
ROOM 6
Sign: Four stones,
twin stones...
Master of Shadow
and Dark...
Two are one,
one is two...
Mario: What the? That's the exact same sign as Room 2! What did Nintendo do, cut our budget or something?
Mario turns into a red square with poorly drawn arms.
Mario: Come on, to the next room.
ROOM 7:
Sign: Straight
on, straight onward...
We Know the Stars
Spurn Us...
Destroy all in
your path...
Mario: Okay then.
Mario destroys the sign.
ROOM 8:
Sign: The shy
one hides his shape...
But the Stars
Bring Balance.
The shy one hides
his face...
Mario: Oh forget this!
Mario walks up to a room with a giant sphere.
Mario: ... Woah.
Flurrie: Well I guess this is where we put that star.
They put the star key in and eight keyholes come out.
Mario: Oh come on! Nobody told us we had to solve all those riddles!
Flurrie: Well, now what?
Mario pulls out a credit card.
Flurrie: Oh come on, you can't pick the lock.
Mario: Well actually I was just going to order some pizza, but yeah, I guess that's a good idea too.
He picks all the locks and the machine starts moving.
Flurrie: Hey, wait a second! A guy who can't even clean his plate can pick a lock with a credit card?
Mario: Actually, all you had to do was turn them around.
A huge earthquake happens and stairs form in the hallway leading to Gloomtail.
Mario: That wasn't me either.
They go outside and find the Shadow Sirens and… Frankly?!
Mario: What the @#$%^*?! This must be one of those twilight thingies with that zone place! Wait, a second, it's wit-
Witchy: Stop it! Hey, my name's Beldam!
Beldumb: My name's not spelled that way!
Not Spelled That Way: Oh, never mind!
Mario: So uh… Why is Frankly here?
Frankly transforms into Doopliss.
Doopliss: Ha! I was the Frankly that led you to The Thousand-Year Door this chapter!
Mario: Hm… It figures that Frankly would never say something serious. Well, you're outnumbered! It's three against seven! Ha! It's a good thing I can't count!
Flurrie: Just because you say we have seven doesn't mean we do!
Five more people suddenly appear.
Flurrie: Wow, it actually worked.
Random Guy: Actually, we're on Hebasha's side.
Prof. Nutterdude: It's Beldam!
Flurrie: Uh oh.
They all start beating Mario.
Mario: OW!!! OW!!! OW!!!
HOURS LATER:
Doopliss: Hey, get me a soda, will ya?
Beebopa: Why should I? The world doesn't revolve around you! And I'm Beldam!
Doopliss: Oh yeah?
Doopliss transforms into the sun.
Doopliss: What do you think of that? Huh? Huh?
The five people, Marilyn, and Madame Cantaloupe all melt, but Mario and Flurrie don't.
Mario: Wait what's under that sheet?
He takes off Doopliss's sheet, and he's…
Mario: A rock?!
Yeah, I named him Sam.
Sam: *silence*
He's not that talkative, but he's helpful!
Mario: Yeah right.
They go down the stairs and find a circle with a mouth and eyes.
Mario: What in the world is going on here?
Circle: Nintendo wasted our budget.
Mario: On what?
Circle: This explosion.
A pointless explosion with incredible detail happens and then goes away.
Mario: Well that was stupid.
He tries to blow it up with a pathetic explosion caused by a crayon.
Circle: No! Do you have any idea how much money you just wasted?!
Mario: What do you mean?
Everyone turns into stick figures and the circle turns into a stick.
Mario: Whatever.
Mario kills the stick and everyone turns back to normal.
Mario: What happened?
Nintendo robbed someone for the money?
Mario: Who?
He sees his broken piggy bank on the floor.
Mario: No! Mr. Oinkie!!!
They come into a room with a gap and a switch.
Mario: Hm. *looks at the switch* I got it!
He throws the switch at the wall and a pile of rubble makes a path.
Mario: Come on!
Flurrie: Okay.
She gets squished by a piece of rubble.
Mario: This is gonna cost me.
He takes Goombella out.
Goombella: Hey.
Mario: Come on!
They go into a bunch of other rooms.
Mario: I'm bored. Ooh! A Ferris wheel!
Goombella: It's not working.
Mario: Dang it!
He kicks it and it starts working.
Mario: Yay!
He starts riding on it.
Mario: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- I'm bored!
He hops off and goes into a room with narrow edges.
Mario: Careful… Careful… Ah, forget this!
He runs to the other end.
Mario: Wow. It's amazing I didn't fall!
A trapdoor opens and Mario falls in it.
Mario: Dang it!
He has to do it again and goes through the door into a room with an airplane panel, but it explodes.
Mario: Well, looks like we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way.
He does a dramatically slow jump and the football theme plays and Mario somehow makes it to the door.
Mario: Ah, here we go!
He finds out it's locked.
Mario: @#$%^*!
He does another dramatic jump and goes into a room.
Mario: Why is everything so complicated?
He grabs the key right next to him.
Mario: Well, back to the door!
He does another jump but completely misses.
Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
He jumps up and tries to unlock the door.
Mario: This is the wrong key! Forget this!
Mario throws the lock away and enters an empty room.
Mario: What is the point of these?
Goombella: It probably leads to a huge boss.
Mario: Shut up! You're more annoying than that guy at the beach!
FLASHBACK:
Ice Cream Man: Ice cream! Get your ice cream here!
Mario: ... You're annoying!
FLASHBACK OVER:
Goombella: That's the same as your last flashback except using annoying instead of stupid.
Mario: How can you tell?
Goombella: Just because I was in your pocket doesn't mean I couldn't hear you.
Mario: Oh.
They go into the next empty room.
Mario: You've got to be kidding me!
Grodus: Gack! Ack! Ack! Ack!
Mario: *gasp* It's... uh, who are you?
Grodus: I'm Grodus! Ruler of the X-Nauts!
Mario: And?
Grodus: I let you collect the Crystal Stars and then I take them from you!
Mario: That's your plan?
Grodus: Yeah, why, something wrong?
Mario: You missed a part.
Grodus: Really? What?
Mario: The part where I kick your butt.
He takes out the Diamond Star and whacks him over the head with it.
Grodus: Ow! That's not funny!
Mario: Yeah it is, and watch this.
He takes out the other six and hits him with them.
Mario: Hah! You want Crystal Stars? Here they are, you @#$%^*!
Grodus: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop!
Mario: How did you get here anyway?
Grodus: Action Replay.
Mario: Yeah! I knew it! Wait until I tell Fat Head! Oh wait, he's dead.
Grodus: As I previously said, go no further!
He shows Peach in an energy bubble.
Grodus: Step further and she will breathe no more!
Mario: You mean you'll make everyone on Plit not have to breathe to live so we can live healthy even in poisonous gas and learn much more than is currently known to mankind, such as more about sea life and space?
Grodus: Uh, no, that means I'll kill her.
Mario: Oh. Well, I was close.
Grodus: Silence!
He strikes Mario with lightning.
Grodus: Ooh, that was fun, let's do it again!
He keeps striking him with electricity.
Grodus: Yay! Let's do it agai-
He gets squished by Bowser.
Bowser: Ugh… What happened?
Mario: Bowser!
Bowser: Mario!
Kammy: Mario!
Bowser: Peach!
Kammy: Peach!
Bowser: Stop copying me!
Kammy: Bowser!
Mario: He's on your side.
Bowser: *holds up a hamster cage* Fudgie! Hey... Where is he?
Mario takes out that skeleton of a hamster from the beginning of Chapter Three.
Mario: Is this what you're looking for?
Bowser: ... Fudgie? You meanie! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Meanwhile Lemmy is checking this submission with Bowser next to him again for some reason.
Bowser: Oh come on! When will this guy stop?
Lemmy: When will you raise my allowance?
Bowser: Well, I might not have given you a raise, but you know I care for the five of you little what'stheirnames, right?
Lemmy: There are seven of us.
Bowser: Grr… Just go to your room!
Lemmy: I'm in my room.
Bowser: Well, then… uh… Shut up!
BACK IN THE PARODY:
Kammy: Don't worry. When I was little, I had a pet cheese and it got lost. But, I'm over it now.
Mario takes out the moldy cheese from the beginning of Chapter Three.
Kammy: Why you little-
Bowser: Well anyway, time to take the princess, the treasure, and that dollar she owes me!
He gets squished by Sam. See, told you he helps.
Mario: Be quiet!
Mario heads down an incredibly long staircase.
Mario: This is taking longer than that guy on the beach.
FLASHBACK:
Ice Cream Man: Ice cream! Get your ice cream here!
Mario: … You're long!
FLASHBACK OVER:
Goombella: That doesn't make any sense.
Mario: Shut up!
They go into a room with a coffin.
Grodus: Now… to release the Shadow Queen!
A huge, demonic beast comes out with… a magazine.
Shadow Queen: Oh, sorry. Being in a coffin for a millennium is pretty boring so I brought a few magazines and a GameCube! And guess what, I just beat Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door!
She looks at Mario.
Shadow Queen: … Oh @#$%^*!
Grodus: Yeah, yeah, just possess Peach and get on with it.
She strikes him with lightning.
Shadow Queen: Don't command me! I don't want to follow your stupid advice! I'll make my own decisions!
She possesses Peach.
Mario: Is this bad?
She possesses her to make… the Goth Babe!
Mario: What the? Goth Babe?!
Warning: This next battle is skipped because it's too hot!
Mario: Wait a second, who's typing this?
The screen shows Francis in front of a keyboard.
Francis: So now I should-
Super Troopa comes onscreen.
Super Troopa: Hey, what are you doing?
He pushes him off and starts typing.
Shadow Queen: Ha! Nothing can stop me now!
The Crystal Stars rise to the sky.
Mario: Yay!
…but get hit by a plane.
Mario: Aww.
…but the light from them goes into the Shadow Queen.
Shadow Queen: AAAAH! Light!
Mario: Afraid of light, eh?
He shines a flashlight on her.
Mario: Hah!
Shadow Queen: AAAAH!
It runs out of batteries.
Mario: Whoops.
Gloomtail runs by.
Gloomtail: DID I JUST SEE THE LIGHT? DID I? DID I? HOW CAN I SEE IT IF I'M BLIND?
He runs over the Shadow Queen.
Shadow Queen: Ow!
Mario: Come on, where's some batteries?
He reaches into his pocket and throws everything in there including his remaining partners at the Shadow Queen.
Goombella: Did you just kill all of our partners except for me?
Mario: ... Perhaps.
Shadow Queen: That does it! You're dead!
Mario: Wait! If you don't attack I'll give you pie.
Shadow Queen: No! I hate pie!
Mario: You… hate… pie?!
He beats her up with his hammer.
Mario: DIE! DIE! DIE!
Shadow Queen: OW! OW! OW!
Mario: DIE! DIE!
Shadow Queen: OW! OW!
Mario: DIE!
Shadow Queen: OW!
Mario: DIE!
Shadow Queen: OW!
Mario: DIE!
Shadow Queen: Ooh, a penny! I mean, uh... OW!
He beats her into black mist.
Mario: But what about Peach?
The mist forms into Peach.
Peach: Mario, you saved me! Strange, I thought Geico would save me first.
Mario: Don't worry. I took care of him.
It shows the Geico lizard tied up in a chair in some garage.
Peach: Oh, thank you, Mario. Now where's the pie?
Mario: What pie?
Peach: How could you save me without pie?!
She takes out scissors.
Mario: AAH! No! Don't do tha-
*SNIP*
Super Troopa: And Mario died so everyone lived happily ever after! The End.
It shows that the whole thing was just Super Troopa reading a book to Kindergarteners.
Super Troopa: Hey, that's strange. The story just happens to end right before they run out of pages! These guys must be like, professionals, or something!
Kindergartener: … You're creepy.
Teacher: Listen, story time is only supposed to be ten minutes, and just because it's volunteer story time doesn't mean you can run in and waste our time with this. You just wasted a whole day of learning with that story!
Kindergarteners: … YAY!!!
Teacher: You're still in big trouble.
Super Troopa: Uh…
He jumps out the window.
Teacher: Wait until he finds out this is the fifth story.
The teacher walks up to the camera.
Teacher: Yeah, you can just shut this off now.
Credits:
Based on: Nintendo's Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
Characters: Most characters copyright Nintendo. Fred Fredburger and Goo property of Cartoon Network. Fat Man and Boat Man copyright me.
Jokes: Mostly mine, some from other things.
If you're mad at me for including people such as Michael Jackson, Nicole Richie, and other celebrities, I do not mean to be offensive, plus I never really insulted them or made fun of them.
Special Thanks: Me, for writing this; my parents for buying this for me; Nintendo for making such a great game; and most importantly, you. Thank you for using your time to read this whole thing. And if you didn't read the whole thing and just skipped to this area, get reading, cheaters!
Anyway, if you had as much fun reading this as I did writing this, then you would be sitting complaining about butt sores from sitting on the chair too long, exhausted fingers from typing, and a huge headache from looking at the computer screen too long. Nah, just kidding, I had a fun time writing this and I'll be writing more soon.
The End
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