Chapter 2: Woman, Thou Art Loosed! (or Gloam Valley. Jerks.)
Chapter 2-1
Peach: Phew! I thought he got me there for a second! SUCKER!
Peach turns her face, and unfortunately due to the laws of randomness and nature, Dimentio got to kiss Peach on the cheek.
Dimentio: I win. Ah ha ha.
Dimentio disappears.
Peach: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU EVIL MIDGET!
Mario: Ha ha-
Peach: SHUT IT!
Mario: Ok. Psycho...
Thoreau: I say, Princess! Why ya gots to be like dat?
Tippi: Don't ever use slang again, Thoreau.
Thoreau: But why? I wanna be "hip" and "cool".
Mario: Then watch TV, ya knucklehead!
Thoreau: What's a TV?
Suddenly, everything and everybody stops and gasps at Thoreau.
Random Koopa Troopa: HE'S EVIL! EVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Random Cheep Cheep: GET HIM!
A random angry, supersticious mob then begins to chase Thoreau out of Gloam Valley, and a giant Jeep driven by Kolorado squashes them all.
Kolorado: Smashing! This shall be my best adventure yet!
Ghost of Thoreau: I say... WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!
Kolorado: Crikey! Look at that giant floating British gorilla hand!
Ghost of Thoreau: What, no commas- HEY!
Peach: (whispering) C'mon, let's leave these idiots.
Mario: (whispering) Okay.
So they leave the two idiots arguing and go to the area Lock is in.
Mario: Yo-
Lock kills Mario, making him lose a life. Then he notices Peach.
Lock: Hey baby, wanna go get a so- GRACK!
Peach: THAT'S FOR KILLING MY IDIOT! I'M SUPPOSED TO KILL HIM, NOT YOU!
Lock: Can't... breathe...
He dies.
Peach: Ugly wimp.
Peach exits the area, steals Lock's wallet, and throws him at that ! Switch over the horizon. He hits it, and a door appears. In the next room...
Peach: Ooo! Shiney cracker!
Tippi: You mean Mega St-
Mario: SHUT UP! It is TOO a shiny cracker!
Tippi: Mario? I thought you was dead!
Mario: Debug mode, baby! Now shut up.
Peach grabs the Mega Star, and turns into 8-Bit Peach. Then, in 10 seconds, she smashes everything in the area, Toadsworth, some mall, and Nova Scotia.
Tippi: WHAT?! LIES!
Tippi reads the nwespaper. Again.
Tippi: Oh.
Peach turns back to normal.
Peach: That was fun!
Mario: Can I ride on your shoulder next time?
Peach: Sure!
Mario: Yays!
Tippi: ... Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaks...
Peach hits Tippi with a flyswatter.
Peach: Let's go!
Mario: Yayness!
With the power of their random happy randomness, Boomer appears next to them.
Tippi: Ok, this is getting stupid.
Boomer: BOOM! I LIKE BOOM! YOU LIKE BOOM! I WILL EAT YOUR CAT!
Everyone Else: ...
So they clear the rest of the stage successfully. Oh, and Mario eats a Cherbil in his happiness.
Mario: Bubbly...
Chapter 2-2
Peach: I feel sad! I miss Bowser sooooooo much!
Peach begins to cry.
Mario:... Yup. Super Princess Peach returns.
In response, Peach throws a rock in Mario's face.
Mario: Tingly!
Tippi: Oh geez... Oh NO-
Mario: ASCUBASUWATCHITTFWAH!
Tippi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Peach hits Tippi with flyswatter.
Peach: SHUT UP!
Ghost of Thoreau: 'Ello! You-
Mario: *GASP* IT'S THAT EVIL DEMON PIXL WHO DOESN'T HAVE A TV! QUICK! INTO THAT OMINOUS-LOOKING EVIL POSSESSED MANSION!
They all run into Merlee's Mansion, leaving Thoreau behind.
Ghost of Thoreau: -left your sock.
Sock: Meow!
Ghost of Thoreau: !
Inside, the party run over the Gnips at 80 miles per hour. They bust through the door-
Mimi: Hi-
-rau over Mimi-
Mimi: Ouch!
-and run into the Gnaw, which eats them.
Mimi: YES!
Then, Boomer explodes, giving him indigestion. Then, the Gnaw explodes, along with the lock and chains.
Mimi: Oh shoot.
Spiky Goomba wearing a sombero and riding a toy horsey: BANG BANG BANG! YEE-HAW! I'M A-
Mimi slaps the Spiky Goomba wearing a sombero and riding a toy horsey.
Mimi: SHADDAP WINSTON!
Winston: Owies!
Oh, and Mario and Co. hit the Star Block. Boring.
Chapter 2-3
Mimi: YOU ATE MY VASE!
Mario and Boomer: Yeah, so?
Mimi: One million Rubees, NOW!
Peach: Wait. Did you say Rolex? Because I ain't buying you no expensive watch-
Mimi: NO, RUBEE-
Tippi: Rupees?
Mimi: NO-
Mario: WORKMAN'S COMP!
Boomer: I WILL EAT YOUR CAT!
Mimi: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Mimi explodes.
Peach: Woah. DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!
Then a giant, wooden chest randomly falls from the ceiling.
Peach: YAY!
Slim: I'M FREE!
Tippi: What the? But we didn't open the chest-
They see a hole in the back of the chest made by Slim's flamethrower.
Tippi: -yet.
Peach: Cool! Gimme!
Slim: Sure, pard!
Slim gives Peach the flamethrower.
Peach: Yay!
Tippi: Can we go now-
Peach and Slim: SHUT UP!
So (somehow) they go and hit the Star Block. Yawn. Where's the action? The excitement? The drama? The money? WHERE DID THEY ALL GOOOOOOO?! *sobs*
...
*sniff* I'm sorry.
Chapter 2-4
Peach: Oh great. A basement. Well it can't get any worse...
Suddenly, an apparition of Merlee appears.
Merlee: Beautiful, mysterious Merlee! Mistress of the house, it's me! So glad it's you I see and not that ugly UPS deliveryman...
Peach: Oh great. That stupid sandwich HAD to come back and haunt me-
???: LUIGI TO THE RESCUE!
Luigi swings in on a vine from nowhere, wearing a green, leafy tunic with socks, and sucks up Merlee with his handheld Poltergust 3000.
Luigi: Another fine job, done by Luigi-san!
Peach: 0_0 Are those LEA-
Luigi does a Tarzan yell, then swings back to where he came from.
Peach: Michigan?
Whatever.
Tippi: Ok...
They continue successfully through the stage until...
Mario: *GASP* It's Wonderwoman!
Merlee: I'm not Wonderman you see! You insolent... clod... thing!
Mario: Can we please have our precious Jolly Rancher?
Merlee: I HATE Jolly Ranchers! So does Lee, and Jeff Pancers!
Mario: I know you are, but what am I?
Merlee: ENOUGH!
"Merlee" turns into Mimi.
Mimi: I'm SICK of your stupidity! No wonder O'Chunks hates you so!
Mario: But I gave him a girlfriend!
Mimi: Ok...
Boomer: I ATE YOUR CAT!
Mimi: *GASP* LILA! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
10 days later...
Mimi: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU MUST DIE!
Mimi turned into her spider form, obviously.
Mimi:Mimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimi...
Boomer: *girly scream*
Peach: RUN!
After running for 5 minutes in the basement...
Mario: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!
Peach: Can't you wait?!
Mario: BUT I GOTS TO GO NOW!
Peach: NO YOU WON'T! That's what you get for eating a Cherbil! And thanks a lot, Boomer!
Boomer: Dude, I was JOKING! I didn't even KNOW she had a cat!
Ghost of Thoreau: It was in your sock!
Boomer: Whuzza? Huh? Pass the peas like we used to- *GASP* Thoreau, my MAN! Why you all foggy n' stuff?
Ghost of Thoreau: Long story-
Mario: BATHROOM AHOY!
After passing an Atomic Boo that says "Hang in there, baby!" to random passersby, they make it to the bathrooms. Mario, being the impatient idiot he is, goes into the girls' bathroom, fourth stall.
Peach: Well, at least we won't run into any more-
A loud fart can be heard from this here bathroom all the way to Sub-con, and Mario fies from the bathroom stall and hit the wall face-first.
Peach: -trouble.
Merlee: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! YOUR FRIEND IS SO GROSS!
Peach: WHADDYA ME- Oh. MARIO, THAT'S DISGUSTING!
Mario: SHUT UP! I don't know what you're talking about.
Peach: Oh, you KNOW what I'm talking about!
Mario: BRING IT!
Mario and Peach begin to fight, SSBM style. Oh, and Mimi randomly falls from the ceiling.
Mimi: Owies!
Boomer: GO MARIO! WHOOOO!
Slim: PEACH! PEACH! YEAH!
Merlee: CHA CHA CHA! MAUL PARASOL!
Mimi: Ok. WHAT is going on here?!
Ghost of Thoreau: I say! These young chaps are going at each other like dogs!
Mimi: Ok... And what is that SMELL?!
Merlee secretly tells Mimi what secretly happened in a very... secret way.
Mimi: Oh, that's GROSS! HA! Stinks to be you! Er... GO PEACH or somethin'... Nah, I'm done here.
Mimi leaves, Mario and Peach KO each other, and Boomer and Slim are playing cards.
Slim: Go fish!
Boomer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Boomer explodes.
Tippi: ... Give me the Pure Heart, and we'll NEVER speak of this again.
Merlee: Agreed.
Merlee gives Tippi and Co. the Pure Heart! END OF CHAPTER 2! At *plane explodes*...
Luigi: My face hurts.
Two Goombas step on his face.
Luigi: Now it hurts even more.
Bub (1st Goomba): *GASP* Gary! Look! An authentic Italian plumber doormat!
Gary (2nd Goomba): Cool! I always wanted one of those!
Bub: Oog. I think I gotta-
Luigi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Luigi jumps up and throws them through the door. They keep rolling down many flights of stairs into many rooms until they reach the foyer (AKA the really long hallway.) There, they go into the closet next to the door they just exited, pulled out two automatic mopping machines (one for the Goombas, the other one for Luigi), and race down the hallway on a river of soapy froth-
All 3 Idiots: IT'S LIKE SLIDING ON ICE-CREAMMMMMMMMMMM-
-into the wall. *SMACK*
All 3 Idiots: Ow...
Then the two machines slide out of control and blow up the front door from existence. Way to go, genius.
Bub: GARY YOU IDIOT!
Gary: WHAT I DO?!
Bub: YOU MADE THE FRONT DOOR BLOW UP FROM EXISTENCE!
Gary: WHAT?! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! And how do you even KNOW it's the front door?!
Bub points to a sign with his foot that says "Front door of *smudged here*".
Gary: Oh.
All three random escapees turn to see two Koopas and a Hammer Bro bowing down to Gary.
Koopas and Hammer Bro: Chosen one... Chosen one...
Bub: *GASP* I KNEW IT!
Luigi and Gary: Knew what?
Bub: I knew it all along! Gary is the leader of the lost evil tribe of the Cannibals of Awesomeness *breakdances* and EVIL! HE'S GONNA EAT US ALL! *points to Nastasia* AND THAT'S HIS EVIL YET TOTALLY HOT WIFE!
Nastasia: Er... yeah... Idiots...
Luigi: OMG, what are we gonna do?
Bub: Ok, here's the plan: I join Gary's tribe of the evil Cannabals of Awesomeness *breakdances* and EVIL, and try to destroy you. You, of course, will run. Then you'll run some more, hit a wall, fart, and we'll destroy you!
Luigi: Hey, that's a GREAT plan. In fact, it's the sweetest plan I ever heard in my entire li- HEY! WHY YOUS-
Unfortunately, Luigi is tackled, pinned down, and dragged into the Great Darkness.
Private Koopa: DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!
Nastasia slaps him.
Nastasia: Shut up. You ain't on the schedule.
Private Koopa: OW! Awwwww... Yes Mommy...
At Flipside...
Merlon: (listening to blue iPod Nano) Now walk it-
Mario and Co. fall on Merlon.
Merlon: OU-OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Yo! Why you all in my space, dawg?
Mario: We're... back... FINLAND CRACKERS!
Mario faints.
Merlon: Sweeeeeeeeet. Another Pure Heart! Ya know, we should go-
Suddenly, everything rumbles, and the Void grows larger.
Merlon: ... Dag. You guys gots to go.
Peach: But-
Merlon somehow teleports them to the next Heart Pillar.
Peach: Ugh. At this rate we'll never know what the Light Prognosticus says! We've been blindly stumbling through this adventure! I need a sense of direction, ya dig?
Mario: ... Must you be a magnet for trouble? Can't we just, ya know, go with the fl-
Peach slaps Mario.
Mario: OW! WHAT WAS THAT FO-
Peach: SHUT UP!
They put in the Pure Heart, special effects happen, and they arrive back to the top of Flipside Tower.
Mario: Er, let's go-
Peach drags Mario through the yellow door. BUT! Will Thoreau come back to life? What is Kolorado doing in this story? Did Boomer really eat Mimi's cat? Why does Boomer have a sock if he has no feet? Will Peach and Bowser reunite? Why did Luigi go back to *bus passes by* if he wanted to escape from there? Will the front door return? Will Gary's tribe of the Cannibals of Awesomeness *breakdances* and EVIL takeover Canada?
Gary: Pain...
... Maybe not. See the answers (or not) in Chapter 3 of Stupid Paper Mario!