Chapter 7: Reunited and it feels so bad... (The Underwhere, dimwit!)
Mario: What the- WE'RE BACK WHERE WE STARTED!
Tippi: AND I DON'T WANNA DIE!
Mario: SHUT UP!
Luigi: Ok, for real now. Let's go to Queen Jaded or whatever and ask her where the Pure Heart is! Simple, no?
Mario: Pfffth. Sure, if you want to do it the non-actiony way. Just follow the Yellow Brick Road!
Luigi: Ok... Again...
On their way to Queen Jaydes, Mario explains everything to Luigi so he won't feel lost on the adventure. Well... Everything except Mr. L, of course...
Luigi: So we need one more, right?
Mario: Yup!
Luigi: GOOD, SO I CAN GO HOME AND WATCH THE SIMPSONS AND EAT ICE CREAM! WOOHOO!
Mario: Nuh-huh, I wanna watch Futurama! You get the TV all the time anyways!
Luigi: Do not!
Mario: Do too.
Luigi: Do not!
Mario: Do too.
Luigi: Do not-
Jaydes: HEY! KEEP IT DOWN! I'm TRYING to prepare for my salsa-dancing class over here!
Luigi: But you don't have any feet-
Suddenly, a black thunderbolt hits Luigi.
Luigi: Pain...
Mario: Ya see? You never-
Luigi: SHUT UP!
Mario: Thank you for completing my sentence.
Jaydes: What the... Hey! It's you two again! You died THAT quick?
Mario: NO! That Pure Heart sent us down here! Are you hiding the Pure Heart by any chance?
Jaydes: Er, I don't deal with magical artifacts; Grambi does.
Mario: You mean the guy the auto-repairman wants to beat up?
Jaydes: HEY! That only happened twice!
Then Luvbi appears, with a rolling backpack in hand.
Luvbi: MOOOOOOOOOOM! I'M READY!
Tippi: ... Wow, she's loud.
Luvbi: So the "Heroes" return! Man, you guys REEK at gaming!
Luigi: DO NOT-
Jaydes: *GASP* I JUST HAD A REVELATION!
Slim: You did? So you finally realized that bananas are a good source of protein-
Jaydes: NO! You two and your fairies-
Tippi: Pixls-
Jaydes: WHATEVA! You guys shall escort my daughter to her father's house in the Overthere! So A, you can find the Pure Heart and save all worlds, and B, my daughter shall be safe! Sweet deal, no?
Luvbi: But MOOOOOOOOOM, they smell like old cheese!
Jaydes: No honey, you're standing next to Damien.
Luvbi turns around and sees Damien, a D-Man who DOES smell like old cheese.
Luvbi: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww, you smell!
Damien: Ewwwwwwwwwwww, a girl!
Mario: Ok...
Luigi: Don't worry, we'll get her safe AND save all worlds!
Jaydes: Awesomeness. LUVBI, TIME TO GO!
Luvbi: But MOOOOOOOOM, I can do it myself! That's how I got down here!
Jaydes: Sure. AFTER you learn karate.
Luvbi: Oh C'MONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN-
Jaydes: You can verbally abuse them.
Luvbi: YAY!
Mario Bros: Aw crud...
Luvbi: QUIT WHINING AND MOVE IT, MAGGOTS!
And so, after Jaydes creates a door for them, they enter the door and hit the Star Block, ending the subchapter.
Chapter 7-2
Tippi: So. This is Underwhere Road.
Luvbi: YEAH DUMMY, IT IS, SO SHUT UP!
Mario: SHEESH! What's with the yelling?!
Luvbi: I DON'T KNOW! Now, we must follow the road! AND DON'T GET DISTRACTED BY MY CUTENESS! Hee hee hee!
Tippi: You? Cute? C'mon...
Luvbi: HA! Jealous. Deep down, you know you believe in true love, and I see you like one of those guys! That's fine with me, but-
Tippi: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Luvbi: Uh... Am I missing something here?
Tippi: DUH! Hit the red one on the head hard enough, and he'll turn into a dummy! And the green one was- WAS- an evil geek who forgot he tried to stop our quest!
Luigi: Again, WHO is Mr. L-
Luvbi: I see. Nevermind then. Well, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?! MOVE IT!
And so, after chatting with the D-Man next to the door, they enter the door to the Underwhere Road.
Mario: Dude. Cheapest darkness effects EVER.
Luigi: Well, duh! Nintendo's on a budget thanks to your latest stupid stunt! What did you expect?
Mario: I swear, Luigi, I'm gonna-
BAM!
Luigi: Ha ha, you ran into a wall!
Mario: Pain...
And so it continues: bumping into walls, a Dark Boo annoying them to death, and an Underhand who loves to tickle people. Until...
Mario: FINALLY! A door!
Mario tries to open it, but fails.
Mario: Oh C'MON-
Tippi: Lemme try...
Tippi uses her pointing power of funky disconess *busts a funky move* to examine the door.
Tippi: But I don't disco-
???: Did someone say DISCO?!
Suddenly, the door comes alive.
Talking Door: Dude, I LOVE to disco! If I wasn't a door, I would have the awesomest AND funkiest afro EVAR! The name's Dorguy the First, by the way.
Mario: Whatevs. Can we go now?
Dorguy the First: Nope! Ya gotta answer three questions first!
Mario: Man, we'll NEVER get home and watch TV-
Dorguy the First: FIRST QUESTION! This one guy went to the store. Pencils cost 81 cents, and apples are $1.23. If his total is $124.60, how many apples and pencils did he buy, how much is the extra two notebooks, and who is the most powerful person in the Underwhere?
A. Hades
C. Jadyes
B. Jaydes
D. Batman
Luigi: B!
Dorguy the First: CORRECT! Wait, wha? I thought Batman was the most powerful... Aww... But anyways, QUESTION TWO! I can't think of a trick question, so what's my name?
A. Dorguy the First
C. Barry Orlando
B. Doorguy the First
D. Dorguy the Second
Mario looks up at the big text message in the sky.
Mario: A.
Dorguy the First: Ok, that was SO cheating. But people do it all the time anyways, so... QUESTION 3! There was a pretty girl named Rosette Applebaum. She also had a pretty sister named Isabella Applebaum. One day, the Applebaum sisters went to eat apples and food at Applebee's. After eating apples at Applebee's, they played under the apple trees in Apple Park. They eventually slipped on the apples and fell on their faces, disfiguring them and making them ugly freaks for life, but that's a different story. Now, how many times did I say apple?
A. 5
C. 10
B. 4
D. One billion
Mario Bros: ... C.
Dorguy the First: ... Ok, fine. You can pass. Cheaters...
Dorguy the First swings open, letting the Heroes through. In the next room...
Mario: Dude, we gotta get past. Can we-
Luvbi: GIVE US THE KEY NOW!
D-Man #1: AHH! Yelling little girls! SAVE ME, ELEPHANT MAN!
D-Man #1 runs away to... somewhere.
Mario: Ok... But seriously. Where's the key?
D'Man #2: Ya gotta fight the monster first! This guy's been frying people like fishsticks! Normally, I would rejoice 'cause I like fishsticks, but YEESH...
Slim: A giant monster that turns people into fishsticks? COOL.
Mario: BOR-ING. But I'll kill him anyway, 'cause I need the experience.
D-Man #2: Whatever.
So they let him through the door.
D-Man #3: ... I hate him.
D-Man #2: You hate everybody... Freak...
D-Man #3 punches D-Man #2. Meanwhile...
Mario: Great. More cruddy darkness.
Luvbi (outside door): QUIT YOUR WHINING, SOLDIER, AND HURRY UP!
Mario: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
Luigi: Why don't I have an important line yet...?
So they walk, until...
???: ROAR!
Luigi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I WANNA GO HOME! HUG ME, MOMMY!
Mario: GET OFF OF ME, WIMP! SUCK IT UP!
Luckily, the torches magically light up, revealing the monster, who is-
Luigi: GRENDEL?!
Mario: NO! It's BOWSER, you dummy! You SERIOUSLY need to stop reading...
Of course, there is Bowser, stomping around and eating a chocolate Pop-Tart.
Bowser: ARGH! MAN! This is the WORST adventure EVER! I can't find my wife, my awesome castle got destroyed, these annoying enemies in all these dimensions are making me tired, AND I can't escape! Well, at least I still have you, Poppy...
Luigi: Hi Bowser!
Bowser: *GASP* Poppy! YOU CAN TALK?!
Luigi: Uhh...
Bowser: My Pop-Tart can TALK! Now my situation seems MUCH brighter! I'm sorry for eating you, my dearest!
Luigi: Okay...
Mario: HEY! IDIOT! Look BEHIND you!
Bowser: Anything for you, sweetie!
And Bowser turns to see...
Bowser: Yo! It's the Super Stupid Bros! Wassap?
Mario: C'mon Bowser, it's time to go! We gotta take some loud-mouthed, Karate-hating brat back to the Overthere, AND find the Pure Heart, AND find-
Bowser: PEACH! OHMIGOSH! I TOTALLY forgot about my hot Kung-Fu wife! That stupid, frilly clown must've kidnapped her! Again... WHY DO MOST OF THE BAD GUYS I COME ACROSS TRY TO KIDNAP MY WIFE?! Sir Grodus paid for that, AND NOW, SO SHALL HE!
Mario: ... Well, THAT was easy.
Bowser: Poppy, we're through!
Bowser eats the rest of the Pop-Tart in one gulp.
Bowser: Ok soldiers, MOVE IT! We have a princess to escort AND a princess to save!
So they go back into the main hall.
D-Man #1: *GASP* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S THE FISHSTICK MONSTER!
Bowser: FISHSTICK monster? Dude...
D-Man #1: Here, take this key and leave us alone!
Mario: Whatever.
The Heroes got the key! In the next room...
Bowser: ACK! Cheap darkness effects! IT BURNS!
Mario: Then light up the torches, you dummy!
Bowser: I KNOW that! I was TESTING you!
Mario and Luigi: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...
Bowser: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
So Bowser lights up a torch, and they begin their long and painful climb up that platform path, lighting up torches as they go.
Luvbi: MOVE FASTER, YOU MAGGOTS!
Luigi: But our legs hurt-
Luvbi: SO?!
Mario: But-
Bowser: Yeah, SO?! C'mon, you're a MAN! You can DO this!
Mario: We should've left him-
Bowser: WHAT?!
Mario: Er...
Random Dry Bones: Hi!
Bowser kicks that random Dry Bones off the platform.
Random Dry Bones: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
SMASH!
Random Dry Bones: Ow...
Mario: NICE one.
Bowser: Ha ha, stinks to be him!
Eventually, they make it to another door. Mario tries to open it, but to no avail.
Mario: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... NOT AGAIN!
Bowser: OOH! I know!
Bowser walks up to the door, flexes his muscles and raises his hands.
Bowser: OPEN, SESAME!
...
Bowser: ... Well, that's all I got.
Door: Crud! How did you know the door-awakening code for people who don't have disco-pointing powers?
Tippi: But my powers aren't disco-related-
Door: Whatevs. I'm Dorguy the Second. You gotta answer five questions if ya wanna pass. And if you played Brain Age, this should be a cakewalk.
Bowser: Brain... Age? But doesn't that age your brain?
Dorguy the Second: ... Moving on...
Luvbi: HEY! We have NO time for thinking! These old dudes and this yelling turtle have to save all worlds, and by the looks of it, they don't have much time! SO SHUT UP AND LET US THROUGH!
Dorguy the Second: Oh yeah? Prove it!
One reading of this Fun Fic later...
Dorguy the Second: I... see... For the sake of all things sugary and caramel, you may pass.
Mario: (to Luvbi) Convincing!
Luvbi: Yeah, sure, whatever, ya hairy maggot. NOW MOVE IT!
Behind Dorguy the Second...
Mario: A PINK door?!
Bowser: OOH! Maybe my lovely wife is behind there, safe and sound!
Luigi: Or a nice old lady who will bake us cookies!
Luvbi: ... You guys are true idiots, aren't you? Look around you, if you will; THAT door is out of place, therefore it's a-
Her sentence is cut short, as she realizes that the Heroes have entered the pink door.
Luvbi: ... Trap.
Meanwhile...
Mario: LE GASP! Beldam! Marilyn! Vivian! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!
Luigi: Uh, Bro?
Mario: WHAT?!
Luigi points to the door, because at that moment the Shadow Sirens do, indeed, rise from the shadows.
Beldam: Bye Hagra! Thanks for the secret technique!
Hagra: Thanks for that nifty new trick you taught me!
Vivian: HI MARIO!
Beldam: Huh? HEY! It's him again!
Marilyn: Yo!
Mario: Uhhh... Hi?
Beldam: Oh, excuse him for that comment towards you three. He's currently in "Smart and Scarcastic" mode, but he can turn dumb and innocent with a hard bump on the noggin!
Mario: HEY-
Beldam: SHUT UP, OR YOU'LL BE PUNISHED!
Vivian: Ha ha!
Beldam: YOU TOO!
Vivian: Ok, ok! Yeesh...
The Shadow Sirens leave.
Luigi: So... Do you have a key or somethin? Cause we have important universe-saving to do...
Hagra: Yes I do! But I need my diet book back first!
Luigi: But you're already skinn-
Suddenly, Luigi turns into a newt.
Hagra: Never insult a woman! NEVER.
Luigi: Again... Why me?
Mario: 'Cause you never shut up! (to Hagra) You mean this book?
Mario hands her... The Diet Book!
Hagra: Yeah! How did you get it?
Mario: Oh, I stole it and was going to sell it on E-Bay.
Hagra: Okay... Here's the key then! Have fun saving us all!
Mario: Whatevs. BOWSER, LET'S GO!
Bowser, obviously, is stuffing himself with cookies Hagitha baked for him.
Bowser: YUMMY! They're just like my grandma, times three! I could live here forever...
Mario walks up and drags Bowser out the door.
Bowser: BUT I WANNA STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY...
Mario: ... Peach.
Bowser: *GASP* I'M COMING, HONEY!
In the next room...
Bowser: Ok, green dude, you gotta get us up there!
Mario: Uh, Bowser...
Bowser: Yeah?
Mario: HE GOT TURNED INTO A NEWT, REMEMBER?!
Bowser: Oh yeah...
And so (somehow), they get to Dorguy the Third. And again, the point IS they got to Dorguy the Third; it doesn't matter HOW they did it.
Dorguy the Third: Yo.
Mario and Bowser: Yo.
Luigi: Uhhhh... Yo?
Dorguy the Third: Since I'm in a bad mood today, I'll give you a hard trial.
Mario: ... I hate you already.
Dorguy the Third: Can I get a little... UNDERCHOMP!
Suddenly, three Chain Chomps, red, blue, and yellow, burst from the floor, snapping and snarling.
Bowser: ... Crudstickers.
Mario: *wrinkles nose in disgust* CRUDstickers?
Suddenly, the red Underchomp lunges foward... and eats Luigi.
Luigi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Bowser: Uhh... This is a very uncomfortable situation...
Mario: I don't care.
Luvbi: You're a horrible brother, you know that?
Mario: Whatever.
Then suddenly, the Underchomp explodes. Why? 'Cause Luigi is now back to normal, and that was one explodin' re-transformation.
Luigi: My head...
Dorguy the Third: I hate my life...
And so they get through, and hit the Star Block.
Chapter 7-3
Bowser: MAN! TWO subchapters and STILL no hot Kung-Fu wife! I'm SERIOUSLY believing that creepy clown kidnapped her...
Luvbi: Hot Kung-Fu wife? Creepy clown? Explain, please.
Bowser: OK, lemme explain. The hot Kung-Fu wife is MY wife AND our voice of reason, AND her name is Princess Peach! She's one of our bestest friends... even though she's angry most of the time. But for some crazy reason, everyone wants to kidnap her! VIKINGS are ok. ALIENS is a bit far-fetched. But when it comes down to the homicidal circus clown, THAT'S CROSSING THE LINE! I've forgiven her past captors, but MAN, he ain't getting none of that! 'Cause I KNOW he killed me so he can have her all to himself-
Mario: Uh, he killed her too-
Bowser: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Luvbi: I see...
Bowser: I KNEW it! TOLD you evil clowns LOVE to kill anyone within a fifty-mile radius! First there was Marx from Kirby Superstar. Next was that Reala guy from NiGHTS; third was Rudy the Clown, fourth was that clown dude from WarioWorld, AND NOW HIM?!
Mario: I guess so...
Bowser: ARGH! And most of them wear purple! An evil color, purple is!
Mario: Now you're sounding like Fawful... But are we there yet?
Luvbi: Well, this is the Overthere Stair! The clouds are numbered, so we won't get lost!
The Heroes look up.
Luigi: ... We're gonna get hurt, this is going to take forever, AND we're gonna get lost.
Luvbi: Wimps.
So Luvbi ;eaves.
Tippi: OK, I hardly talks in the last subchapter, so I suggest Luigi help us up.
Luigi: Oh geez...
And so, let's fast forward to the part where they find Peach. Why? 'Cause basically, their journey involves a lot of falling, ranting, Beepboxer smashing, collecting Blue Apples, and at one point, airplane-dodging.
Mario: My head... Hey! It's-
Bowser: MY HOT KUNG-FU WIFE! PEACH, I'M HERE, HONEY!
And lo and behold, there is Peach, sleeping against a tree and wearing her regular princess dress. Bowser runs towards her at light speed, and somehow doesn't run into the tree.
Luigi: Hi Peach! It's time to save all worlds! Wake up!
Peach: Zzz...
Luigi: Uh, Peach! Wake up!
Peach: ... Zzz...
Luigi: ... Peach?
Peach: Pan...CAKES... Zzz...
Luigi: ... Oh, this is bad.
Mario: Ooh! I know!
Just like in Chapter 1, Mario begins gnawing in her fingernails. But it doesn't work.
Mario: CRUD! It worked last time...
Bowser: PEACH! HELP! THE KOOL-AID MAN IS ENSLAVING ALL OF MAN-KIND! DO SOMETHING!
Peach: ... Oh, BOOT-tables... Zzz...
Bowser: ... Well, sleep-talking counts as doing something, right?
Luvbi appears, mad obviously.
Luvbi: WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET, MAGGOTS?! I'm trying to convince mom on my cell phone to make me take ballet lessons instead of karate lessons, AND I CAN'T HEAR HER!
Mario: So?
Luvbi smacks Mario.
Mario: Ow...
Luvbi: Uh... You DO know that she ate a Golden Apple, right?
The Heroes (except Peach, obviously): Wha?
Luvbi: Totally ripping off Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and another VERY important story, this apple makes her sleep for 100 years-
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Luvbi: SHUT UP! And to wake her, you need the taboo fruit-
Bowser: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS-
Luvbi: -but I don't know what color apple it is.
Tippi: ... It's like Chapter 4-2 all over again, huh?
Mario: Yeah, only NOT a musical.
Bowser picks up Peach, and slings her over his back.
Bowser: C'mon, we have no time to lose! Let's go apple picking!
Luvbi: FINE! I've never liked you anyways!
Luvbi kicks the Golden Apple off the cloud in anger, then storms off.
Mario: Okay...
And so, exiting the room and saving their game, they get to Cloud 46, and enter the door.
Mario: Hey! Some Red Apples!
Bowser knocks the apples off the tree, and Mario picks up one for luck. Bowser stuffs one in Peach's mouth, and she-
Bowser: WHOO! VIC-TO-RY! DO THE HUSTLE!
-turns giant, then turns back to normal, still asleep.
Bowser: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...
Exiting the room, they get to the top of this area. On Cloud 49 Mario flips, and finds a secret room.
Mario: Yellow Apples might work, 'cause it's close to the golden color! Right?
Bowser stuffs a Yellow Apple in Peach's mouth. She wakes up-
Bowser: YEAH! I'M DA KING! ALL IS RIGHT AGAIN!
Peach: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
...and grows a mustache.
Peach: *GASP*AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I LOOK LIKE MY EX-BEST FRIEND!
Mario: YOU MEAN ME?!
Peach: No, some foreign chick named Helga.
Mario: Oh.
Bowser: *GASP* You evil apples! YOU BROKE MY WIFE! EXPIRE!
While Bowser is "attacking" the tree, Peach falls back asleep, and loses the mustache.
Peach: Zzz...
Bowser: Well, at least she's beautiful again...
After leaving this room, they go into the next area. They enter the door on their left, and Mario flips to find-
Mario: Pink Apples. Peach likes pink, therefore it's good. Right?
Mario grabs one, flips, and feeds it to Peach. Peach... well...
Bowser: YEAH?!
...turns into a peach. The fruit. Literally.
Bowser: FOR REAL?! C'MONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN...
Luckily, she turns back to normal.
Bowser: Ok, I'm losing patience. WHERE IS IT?!
After exiting the door...
Bowser: HEY, LOOK!
He points towards a sign on Cloud 52, a cruddy sign, with a message sloppily written in rainbow paint. The sign says "RaInBoO FrOOt HithER. DiS Is NOT A trAp."
Tippi: Uh... Bowser... It looks like a trap-
Bowser: SEEMS like one, but in reality, it hides the fruit to wake my wife! Plus, rainbow is ALWAYS a good color. Right?!
Mario: Whatever. (Stupid...)
While Bowser drops Peach in excitement and enters Cloud 52. Mario and Co. picked up Peach and enter the secret door on Cloud 53.
Luigi: She's heavier than I thought...
Mario: It's the muscle. Black Apple, eh? Let's see...
Mario gives Peach a Black Apple, and... SHE EXPLODES!
Mario and Luigi: WHAT?!
Just messin' with ya! SHE WAKES UP!
Peach: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! What DID I eat?! Or is that what we're supposed to taste when we come back to life...
Luigi: Peach! HI!
Peach: My Bros! AND LUIGI'S SANE AGAIN!
Luigi: Uhh...
Mario: He doesn't remember.
Peach: Oh. Well that's better, I guess... Where's Bowser?
Mario: I bet I know where he is...
So, they leave the room and find Bowser, badly beaten, lying near the "RaInBoO FrOOt" sign.
Bowser: Pain...
Tippi: TOLD you it was a trap.
Peach: Hi-
Bowser hugs Peach as hard as he can.
Bowser: MY HOT KUNG-FU WIFE! WE'RE TOGETHER AGAIN AT LAST, MY DEAREST!
Peach: Can't... breathe...
Luvbi appears... again.
Luvbi: HEY! You guys are SLACKING OFF! I just got a call from my mom, and she's worried SICK!
Bowser: So? I FOUND MY WIFE!
Peach: WE'RE NOT MARRIED! Heh, I miss saying that...
Luvbi: ... I sense a divorce.
Bowser:*GASP* YOU EVIL PROPHETIC-BUTTERFLY-WANNABE-
Tippi: HEY! IDIOTS! Time to go!
Slim: Good times, pard... Gooooood times...
And so, let's fast forward again to the temple of Skellobitsm, because their journey there is no different from their last one, except a helicopter follows after the plane.
Bowser: Okay... Those blades hurt...
Skellobit #1: Hey! It's the idiot! GET HIM!
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Talking Cloud: Hi! I'm Cyrus! I wanna be a big cloud someday!
Peach: Aww! That's so cute...
Mario: What-EVER.
Peach punches Mario.
Peach: SHUT UP! IT'S CUTE AND YOU KNOW IT! Heh, missed saying that too...
Luigi: Here, have a Red Apple!
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOO, that's my lucky charm!
Luigi: Please. Everytime you have a "lucky charm" something bad ALWAYS happens! Remember last time?
FLASHBACK- 20 DAYS AGO
Mario: Dude! Check out this eight-leaf clover! I'm lucky for life!
Luigi: Uh, Mario...
Mario: Yeah?
Luigi: That's one of E. GADD'S MUTANT EXPERIMENTS FROM HIS TOXIC LAB!
Mario: WHAT?!
Suddenly, the eight-leaf clover tries to eat Mario's brain.
Mario: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
END FLASHBACK
Mario: Ok, fine... AND DON'T BRING IT UP AGAIN!
Mario gives the Red Apple to Cyrus, and he grows! BIG.
Cyrus: YAY! Now to be a professional golf player!
Luigi: Ok...
And so, after saving Bowser from the Skellobits, they jump on Cyrus, fly into space-
The Heroes: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
-and fall back down, landing on the top of the Overthere Stair.
The Heroes: AGAIN! AGAIN!
Tippi: AHEM!
The Heroes: Oh yeah...
And so, they enter the door. After ridiculing the chessy sign, they jump over the gap and hit the Star Block. It's good to be back together again!
Chapter 7-4
Luvbi: YOU IDIOTS, YOU TOOK FOREVER!
Mario: ... WHY must we start a subchapter with yelling?
Luvbi: Well, you would be mad too if you found out that skeleton dudes took over the local Burger King!
Bowser: EGAD! Those FIENDS! Let's go, soldiers, we don't have any time to waste!
And so, they get to the door marked A in the official SPM Nintendo Power Player's Guide.
Random Nimbi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP! THEY'RE POKING ME TO DEATH!
Skellobit #1: Nuh-huh? There's a bug on your back! And I -ugh- keep -dang- missing! ARGH! I HATE BUGS!
Bowser: And I like Pop-Tarts! YAY!
Skellobit #1: OK...
Skellobit #2: Dude, it's that stupid turtle Mickey and his crew beat up!
Skellobit #1: Huh?
Skellobit #2: You know... He made an experiment about how many dummies will fall for his trap in the Overthere Stair, AND he taped it all and put it on the Internet!
Skellobit #1: Oh yeah...
Bowser: *GASP* EXPIRE!
Bowser destroys the Skellobits with fire breath; their ashes fly away on the wind.
Random Nimbi: Thanks! Here's a random key!
He gave them a key, then leaves.
Bowser: ... Random.
So, leaving the room, they enter the locked door. They save their game, and go to the rightmost cloud.
Random Girl Nimbi: Wahhh! My boyfriend's a statue now!
Bowser melts the ice.
Random Girl Nimbi: ... And now, he's not. NOVBI, GET BACK TO WORK! You've been slouching around ever since those skeletons invaded, and that is NOT an excuse to take a break from your job!
Novbi: Ok, ok! Sheesh, Fallbi. It's not like the world is ending or someth-
Fallbi slaps Novbi.
Fallbi: YES IT IS, YOU UNOBSERVANT COW! Have you NOT noticed that purple void-thing in the sky near the temple?!
Novbi: Uhhhhh...
Fallbi: Grrrrrrrrrr-ness...
Luigi: Uhhh... Can you help us upstairs?
Novbi: Kay.
Fallbi: SAY IT PROPERLY!
Novbi: OK! (sarcastically) Yes sir, thou shalt!
Fallbi slaps Novbi.
Fallbi: HORRIBLE SHAKESPERE!
Novbi: OW!
And so, the Heroes get up on the upper cloud and escape the wrath of the dysfunctional couple. Bowser unthaws the two Nimbis outside the door, and all the Nimbis in the next room.
Peach: I think this adventure is changing Bowser's ways...
Peach sees Bowser shaking some Nimbi to death.
Bowser: WHERE IS THAT BURGER KING?!
Peach: ... Nevermind.
Some Nimbi: WHOO! I'M FREE!
Luvbi: Yeah, sure, whatever, Whibbi. Now, TAKE ME TO MY FATHER NOW!
Whibbi: Sorry, but-
Luvbi: WHAT?!
Whibbi: ... But the bridge's destroyed due to the attack. We can only rebuild it with the three orbs, but they're powerful objects; they are NOT to be played with.
Mario: All this JUST to make a bridge?
Whibbi: Uh... Yeah?
Mario: ... Ok, I'm DONE with the quests! Here, lemme enlighten you... YOU CAN FLY ACROSS!
Whibbi: ... Oh yeah...
Luvbi: You IDIOT! WHY didn't you think of that BEFORE?!
Whibbi: Uhhhh...
Luvbi: And for the flightless people, you could make some cloud platforms to the temple! You are SO fired when I tell Father...
So since they don't have any platforms, they carry the Heroes across: 10 Nimbis hold Mario, 6 hold Luigi, 5 hold Peach, and 40 hold Bowser.
Some Nimbi: My arms hurt-
Bowser: Oh please, SUCK IT UP!
Behind the door...
Spiky Skellobit: Hey! It's the idiot!
Bowser: WILL YOU STOP THAT-
???: Ah, Dyllan, my childhood rival! We meet again!
Dyllan: Ack! Rebbi! I've should've known...
Rebbi: Yes! It is I, Rebbi! KUNG-FU MASTA!
The Heroes: COOL.
Tippi: What is with you guys and Kung-Fu?
While they are explaining why they like Kung-Fu, the two childhood rivals are taunting one another.
Rebbi: SO! Where's your army?
Dylan: RIGHT HERE!
Many Skellobits appear, guarding the temple.
Rebbi: So? HERE'S MY ARMY!
Many Nimbis appear, wearing white and/or cream Kung-Fu robes.
Dyllan: Bathrobes? (sarcastically) Wow. I'm SO scared-
Suddenly, the Nimbis pull out nunchucks, kunai, katanas, shuriken, you name it.
Dyllan: ... Crud.
Rebbi: ATTACK!
Nimbis: YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Dyllan: NO MERCY!
Skellobits: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Dyllan: ... COWARDS!
Mario and Co. enter the temple, while the Nimbis beat the crud outta of the Skellobits.
Grambi: Luvbi, my sweet daughter! Have you come to save me?
Luvbi: NO! WHY can't I be a ballerina, Dad?! GRACEBI is a ballerina, and everyone LOVES her!
Grambi: ... Again... WHY IS MY DAUGHTER A BRAT?!
BOOM!
Icy Dragon: I am Bonechill! FEAR MY MINTY BREATH!
Bowser: Minty? Dude, SPEARmint is better!
Bonechill: Nuh-huh! Plain ol' mint is best!
Bowser: No, spearmint!
Bonechill: Mint!
Bowser: Spearmint!
Bonechill: Mint!
Bowser: Spearmint!
Bonechill: Mint!
Bowser: Spearmint-
Certain Death: JUICY FRUIT!
The Heroes: AW CRUD, IT'S THE LOSER AGAIN!
Certain Death: SILENCE! I may have failed in Chapter 5, but I will NOT fail again! Right, Bonechill?
Bonechill: ... BLECK DID NOT HIRE YOU!
Certain Death: DID TOO! I know the mission: Step one: Invade the Overthere. Step two: Takeover the local Burger King. Step three: Destroy all interlopers. Step four: Get the Pure Heart. Step five: Enslave the Nimbi and pick up a Snickers bar for yourself. Easy, no?
Peach: (to Grambi) Where IS the Pure Heart anyways?
Bonechill: Well, duh! It's the brat!
Bowser: Luvbi ATE the Pure Heart?
Bonechill: NO! She IS the Pure Heart!
Luvbi: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Due to the force of her yell, the only block supporting the temple falls, and the whole temple follows. Luckily, since Bonehill is made of bendable wire, he is crushed under the debris along with Certain Death.
Bonechill and Certain Death: Ow...
Bowser pushes them both off the cloud. Oh, and they are yelling like mad.
Bowser: Good riddance!
Jaydes is seen running up the temple stairs, wearing a purple salsa dress.
Jaydes: HONEY, ARE YOU OK?!
Luvbi: Mom, why didn't you tell me I'm actually a Pure Heart that has to save all worlds?
Jaydes: (to Grambi) ... I TOLD you this would happen if she looked more like you! She could've been a beautiful Shayde by the name of Shella, but NOOOOOOOOOOOO... YOU RIGGED THE COIN TOSS!
Grambi: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I DIDN'T eat your cupcake, by the way.
Jaydes: GOOD!
Luvbi: MOOOOOOOM!
Jaydes: Well, honey, the reason why we didn't tell you is because we thought it would make you sad and stuff.
Luvbi: ... Are you KIDDING?! Now I can't WAIT to go to school! Ha! Gracebi's gonna be SO jealous when she hears about-
Unfortunately, at this moment, Luvbi instantly turns into a Pure Heart.
Grambi: ... She's gone.
Jaydes: And I already feel lonely!
Grambi: ... WHOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now I can spend my cash on MY needs instead of bratty children! FREEDOM AT LA-
Jaydes kicks Grambi, and he falls over in pain.
Jaydes: SHUT IT! Man, even when old, you STILL won't shut up... (to the Heroes) Be careful with our Luvbi, ya hear?
The Heroes: YES MA'AM!
And so, she hands over the FINAL Pure Heart! MARIO AND CO. GOT A PURE HEART! END OF CHAPTER 7!
At *waves crashing onto the shore*
Nastasia: Uh, Count? They got all the Pure Hearts...
Too bad Bleck is too busy walking a Pink Yoshi Kid wearing a pig suit onto the ceiling to listen.
Bleck: (singing) Spider Pig, Spider Pig, does whatever a Spider Pig does!
Pink Yoshi Kid: BUT I'M NOT A PIG-
Bleck: SHUT UP! ARE TOO!
Nastasia: Guys?
Mimi: Has anyone seen Lila? I CAN'T FIND HER ANYWHERE!
Dimentio: I knew it. You didn't read the ENTIRE letter, did you?
Mimi: No, my bestest friend, no I haven't!
O'Chunks: Bestest... FRIENDS? Are yeh... yeh... MAD?!
Dimentio: SHHH! You're not supposed to talk! You wanna heal in time to stop the Heroes again, correct?
O'Chunks: Uhh-
Dimentio: THEN SHUT UP OR I'LL PUSH YOU OUT THE WINDOW, WHEELCHAIR BOY!
Nastasia: Guys...
O'Chunks: Well, if yeh didn't jam that weird-plant thing in meh noggin, that defective operation AND that Donkey Kong-related incident could've been avoided! But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... At least you could've put me in a PROPER hospital!
Dimentio: And that COULD'VE happened, IF you didn't destroy our ONLY ACCESS TO CABLE!
O'Chunks: WILL YEH QUIT BRINGING THAT UP-
Nastasia: THE HEROES GOT ALL THE PURE HEARTS, FATHEADS!
Everyone Else: ... Crud.
Nastasia: Ok, so here's the plan, K? You three shall guard three main areas of the castle: the entrance, the foyer, and the interior. O'Chunks, since you're the weakest in your current state, you'll be guarding the entrance.
O'Chunks: But how I'm gonna fight in a wheelchair-
Nastasia: SHUT UP! Mimi, you're guarding the foyer.
Mimi: I don't care. I WANT MY CAT BACK-
Nastasia: And Dimentio, since you're the strongest, crafties, and just plain most annoying, you'll guard the interior. Any questions?
Silence fills the room... Then, a familiar sound echoes through the room... Mew!
Mimi: *GASP* LILA! IS THAT YOU?!
Bleck: I KNEW it! Mimi! THE PIT-FLOOR-THING ATE YOUR CAT!
Dimentio: DANG IT! For the last time... WE HAVE A FLOO-MEW!
Mimi: What was that?
Dimentio: I SAID, WE HAVE A FL-MEW!
Mimi: ... Oh no. Oh NO-
Dimentio: *nervous laughter* Aha ha ha ha ha...ha...ha...ha?
Mimi: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... LILA, ATTACK!
Dimentio: Huh? What she's gonna-
THE NEXT SCENE HAS BEEN EDITED OUT FOR EXTREME... UH... GORYNESS. YEAH. THINK ABOUT IT: SHARP CAT NAILS PLUS VULNERABLE INSIDES PLUS THE CAT'S DESIRE TO ESCAPE EQUALS-
Dimentio: PAIN... But the hole in my chest looks cool though!
Mimi: ARGH! WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!
Dimentio: Why were YOU born a freak- OW!
Nastasia: OK, ENOUGH TOMFOOLERY, K?! Get into position, people!
Dimentio: But I'm dying-
Nastasia: THE MEDIC'S ON THE WAY, K?! DON'T RUSH ME!
Dimentio: Ok, ok! Sheesh...
Everyone leaves except Dimentio and Bleck.
Dimentio: Hey, before I forget... Do you know a guy named Blumiere?
Bleck: Uh... I know the name, but WHERE did I hear it?
Dimentio: Oh, ok. ACK!
Dimentio faints from, of course, blood loss.
Bleck: Ooo... Pokey!
Bleck begins to poke at his own minion, just to pass the time. Idiot. But back at Flipside...
Bowser: WOOHOO! WE GOT THE LAST PURE HEART! EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!
And so, strangely, they all begin to dance. Then Merlon appears.
Merlon: Yo! YOU'RE PARTYING WITHOUT ME?!
Bowser begins waving the last Pure Heart in Merlon's face.
Bowser: FINAL P.H, BABY! Look at it! LOOK AT IT!
Merlon: *GASP* Dude! WE SO ROCK!
Bowser: I KNOW!
Merlon: There's no time to waste! TO THE LAST HEART PILLAR WITH YE!
And so, for the very last time... Merlon sends the Heroes to the final Heart Pillar with magic. They put it in, special effects happen, and they are teleported back to-
Mario: Flopside Tower?
Peach: Uh, hello! Final chapter! DUH.
Mario: Oh yeah...
Norlem appears.
Norlem: YO MON'! I can't BELIEVE you! It was like just yesterday you were novice adventurers... *sniff*
Bowser: Yeah yeah yeah. But we CAN win!
Merlon: And you WILL!
Norlem: What the- MERLON! HEY MON'!
Merlon: Norlem my homie, WASSAP?!
Norlem: Are you all ready to WIN, mon'?!
The Heroes: YEAH!
Merlon: Even Merlon-Bot 3000 came to say goodbye!
Merlon-Bot 3000: Good luck, agents.
Tippi: ...
Merlon: Tippi, if all this is too much for you, you can stay behind. They made it through Chapter 3 without you, remember?
Tippi: They BARELY made it. And since you brought up that horrible memory, making me believe that they're going to fail, I'll go.
Merlon: EXCELLENT! GOOD LUCK, AGENTS!
Norlem: BE SAFE, MON'!
Merlon-Bot 3000 explodes from the sheer emotion of it all.
The Heroes: BYE!
And so, they enter the giant black door. Which Bro will get the TV first? Why does Damien stink? Will Tippi unleash the full potiental of her disco-pointing powers? Why D-Man #3 is so MEAN? Why were the Shadow Sirens visiting the hags? Is the Kool-Aid Man REALLY evil? Who's Helga? What happened to the Golden Apple? Will Fallbi and Novbi stay together? HA! Doubt it. Why is Whibbi so IDIOTIC? Will the local Burger King be saved? What happened to Certain Death? Will the Pink Yoshi Kid escape? Will Bleck EVER figure out he HAS a floor, and will he quit poking Dimentio to death? And most importantly, WILL THE HEROES SUCCEED?
Bowser: But I wanna do the dramatic speech!
Mario: No, I'LL do the dramatic speech!
Luigi: No, ME!
Bowser and Mario: SHUT UP, MR. L!
Luigi: WILL YOU QUIT CALLING ME THAT-
Peach slaps them all in one fell swoop.
Peach: SHUT UP! I'LL DO IT!
... We're SO doomed. But keep your eyes peeled for the final chapter of Stupid Paper Mario!
To Be Continued...
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