Chapter 8: Memories: Worse than Home Videos (Castle Bleck, you dolt!)
Mario: Well, here we are.
Everyone Else: Yeah.
Mario: Castle Bleck.
Everyone Else: Yeah.
Mario: And yet, I feel like we're forgetting something...
Bowser: You mean our dignity and bravery?
Peach: No, silly! We gotta thank the readers for staying with us to the very end! Duh!
Everyone: INDEED! THANK YOU!
Mario: And now, with that duty off our chest... CHARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGE!
With a war cry, the Heroes run towards the castle... then crash into a wall.
The Heroes: Ow...
Luigi: Okay. That's SO cheating for the people who CAN'T flip!
Mario: Shut up, jealous. FLIP!
Mario flips, and enters the castle.
Luigi: HEY! This is the hall where me, Bub, and Gary slid on the bubbling froth-like ice cream, and Gary blew the front door out of existance! Good times... Though wasn't the hall longer last time?
They safely cross the hall, and enter the door. In the next room...
Boomerang Bro #1: *GASP* The Heroes are here! QUICK! INTIATE PLAN 9 ALPHA-DELTA!
Boomerang Bro #2: Wha? We can't hear you over the music, man!
Boomerang Bro #1: WHAT?! I SAID the Heroes are here! INTIATE PLAN 9 ALPHA-DELTA!
Boomerang Bro. #3: We-ugh-CAN'T! We're-snap-in-WOOT-the-Yeah!-ZONE, BABY!
Boomerang Bro #1: YOU CAN PLAY DDR LATER! C'MON!
Boomerang Bros. #2 and 3: NEVER!
While they are arguing, the Heroes slip past them. They are about to enter the door in the middle of the staircase when-
Peach: NOW I remember! This isn't the right door! That door leads to the drawbridge, where I escaped!
Bowser: And how did you escape, my dearest?
Peach: Uhh... The Sugar Plum Fairy?
Bowser: I KNEW she existed! Now Wario owes me five coins!
A faraway "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" can be heard. But anyways, they go through the door on top of the staircase.
Peach: And this is the hall whre that stupid epic battle in Chapter 1 took place! The key should be up there, in the room I was KO'd in...
Luigi: Eek! Floating eyeballs!
Mister I and Red I: Meanie! EXPIRE!
So, thanks to Luigi, they enter the door above the floating eyeballs.
Mister I and Red I: HEY-
And Luigi helps them scale the right wall, Peach floats them across the gap, and they enter the pipe.
Soopa Striker #1: Hey! There's the green guy whose soccer team won the match against Waluigi! YOU MADE US LOSE THE BET! EXPIRE!
Bowser burns all those soccer-obessed Koopas into dust and ashes. They get the key and return to the main hall, where they enter the locked door. Then, Bowser stops and smelled something.
Bowser: WOAH! I smell it! It's... IT'S...
Mario: Your stench?
Bowser: NO! IT'S A TWINKIE! MINE, MINE, MINE!
Bowser blazes through the halls, destroying Magikoopas and Dull Bones as he goes. He runs into a Gawbus though, and loses 4 HP.
Bowser: Owies! No fair!
So they uses Mario's flip to sneak past into the next area. The Bros. and Bowser begin to destroy all the Fire Bros. and that one Koopatrol, while Peach and Tippi observe something.
Peach: ... That orange picture frame SO doesn't match the theme.
Tippi: Exactly!
In the next room...
Mario: Hey! It's like that puzzle in the Palace of Shadow! Does anyone know the order?
Peach: If that TACKY orange picture frame wasn't there, we WOULD'VE remembered!
Mario: How can you get distracted by a picture frame? C'MON...
Peach punches Mario.
Peach: SHUT UP! It's not our fault that the tackiness of that frame drew us in!
Mario: OW! Ok, ok! Sheesh...
Barry: I saw it! It's unlit, lit, lit, unlit, lit!
Mario: *GASP* You ACTUALLY said another line!
Barry: So?
Mario: Sooo... Er... Never mind.
And so, after solving the puzzle, a set of stairs appears. They get to the top, Mario flips, and they enter the door.
O'Chunks: Well, well! It's teh Heroes!
Mario: Hey, look at Monkey Boy! What happened to you, Monkey Boy?
O'Chunks: Long story. But I can still fight yeh'!
Bowser: Dude, can I have your Twinkie?
O'Chunks: No.
In response, Bowser pushes O'Chunks's wheelchair over, and steals his Twinkie.
O'Chunks: Ow.
Bowser: I WIN!
O'Chunks: No fair! Yeh' cheater!
Bowser: So?
O'Chunks trips Bowser, who falls and drops his Twinkie. Then the two begin wrestling each other, and for a recent brain surgery patient, O'Chunks is doing pretty well. Then the ceiling rumbles... and begins to fall.
The Mario Bros, Bowser, Boomer, and Slim: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
O'Chunks: SHUT UP! See, I'm holding teh ceiling fer yeh'! Wimps.
Bowser: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... I'M NOT A WIMP!
And... Bowser begins to hold up the ceiling too!
Bowser: I can SO hold this ceiling longer than you!
O'Chunks: Oh yeah?
Bowser: YEAH!
Mario: Stupid.
Bowser kicks Mario.
Bowser: SHUT UP AND MOVE IT, SOLDIER!
Mario: Whatevs.
Peach: Be careful, sweetie!
So the Mario Bros. and Peach leave.
Bowser: She... She ACTUALLY called me SWEETIE! *clasps hands together* I FEEL SO ALIVE!
O'Chunks: EY'! KEEP YEH' HANDS ON TEH CEILING OR-
BOOM!
Mario: ... Idiot.
Peach: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now I'm gonna miss saying "WE'RE NOT MARRIED!" again! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mario: At least we have one less kidnapper to deal with...
Peach viciously beats up Mario.
Mario: ... I'll NEVER understand you.
And so, they hit the Star Block.
Chapter 8-2
Luigi: Ok, for real now. We've gotta hurry up! These great rumbles are scaring me!
Mario: EVERYTHING scares you, Luigi-
Luigi: ONLY IN DARK, SCARY PLACES!
Peach: I miss Bowser... And now, I don't care. ONWARD!
The Heroes charge through the hall of Zoing-Oings and Cursyas with success, and enter the next door to find-
The Heroes: MERLON?!
Merlon: Hello Heroes! How's your adventure so far?
Mario: ... Ok...
Merlon: Good! Then if you wanna get to Count Bleck safely, hit this blue block!
Mario: ... Dude, you're SO not Merlon. 'Cause first of all, he would say "dude" and do the STUPIDEST things. Second, he would be practicing for the local DDR competiton with Norlem right about now!
Merlon: Er... Well... LOOK! A SEAGULL!
Mario: (sarcastically) Wow.
Merlon: ... With teeth?
The Heroes: WHERE?!
"Merlon" then takes out a slingshot and slings a peeble (Pebblina?!) towards the block, activating the trap, and the Heroes fall.
The Heroes: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
BOOM!
The Heroes: Ow...
"Merlon" reveals "himself" to be Mimi.
Mimi: Ha! SUCKERS! AND I HAVE MY CAT!
Mario (faraway): So?
Mimi: ARGH! Do you care for ANYTHING?!
Mario (faraway): Maybe, maybe not.
Mimi: UGH! He's like a mini verson of an EX-FRIEND I KNOW. How annoying...
Mimi leaves.
Luigi: So...
Mario: There's no time to waste! We've gotta catch up to her so I can ridicule her cat!
Peach: Gosh, Mario. Only you...
So Mario flips, uses Boomer to blow a hole in the wall, exits, and flips.
Mario: This is going to be an aggravating puzzle...
So they enter the leftmost door. Mario flips and runs towards the red switch. Easy, right? WRONG. Red Magiblots throw inky blots at him, poke him, and give him a wedgie. Mario hits the red switch and escapes before he can lose more HP.
Peach: Care Bear underwear? NICE. (Weenie...)
Luigi: Heh heh heh... What she said. (Loser...)
Mario: I'm SO not doing that again... (And I'm chafing! Ow!)
In the rightmost door, Carrie helps them cross the spikes safely, and Mario hits the switch. They exit the room, and enter the pipe.
Mario: Hey! Check it out! Spider-Gal led us to some treasure here!
Luigi: Spider-Gal?
Mario: In time, Luigi. In time...
So after opening all the chests, Mario flips and falls down a hole, then unlocks the door with the key he found. In the next room...
Peach: Hey! A janitor's closet! Let's spice it up a little!
And so, after grabbing various janitorial items, they speed through the hall and (duh) attack the enemies with mops and stuff. Randomness, no?
Mario: Whatevs. What's with the Shrooms on the strings?
Slim: Traps, pard! That Spider-Gal uses them to lure her worst workers to their doom with these!
Mario: Please. Like any of us would fall for-
Mario's sentence is cut off as he sees Luigi hanging on the third string, eating the Mushroom on it.
Mario: ...that.
Luigi: ... What? I was hun-
The rope suddenly snaps, and Luigi fell into a pit.
Mario: ... That's a deep pit. LET'S GO!
Peach kicks Mario down the same pit.
Peach: Whining loser!
Peach chops the lock off the door (she's a blackbelt, remember?) and enters it.
Peach: Breaking and entering, baby!
Merlee: Hi... er, Hero! My favorite number is zero!
Peach: Kay...
Merlee: Which one of these beasts is hardest for you to make deceased? Is it:
A. Goomba C. Ultra Shroom
B. Clubba D. Batman
Tippi: ... What IS it with Batman?
Merlee: Uh, randomness?
Peach: C!
Merlee: Next, which one of these three most rattles your knees? Is it:
A. Fuzzies C. Thunder
Rage
B. Hammer Bros. D. A
Maraichi Band
Peach: Uh... That's FOUR choices-
Merlee: YEAH, SO?!
Peach: Well, in that case, D.
Merlee: And finally, which of these makes you wanna scream? Is it:
A. Skellobit C. Mistake
B. Francis D. Mariah
Carey
Peach: ... MARIAH CAREY?! Who's SCARED of Mariah Carey?! That girl can SING! Someone has to be SERIOUSLY outta their minds to be scared!
Merlee: (mumbling) My ex-best friend...
Peach: Huh?
Merlee: Uhh...
Slim: C! I wanna see a mistake!
Peach: Ok...
Merlee: Okay! Bye!
She leaves.
Peach and Tippi: ... Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird...
Sooo... In the first room, Peach eats the Ultra Shroom and regains 50 HP. In the second room, Peach and the Pixls dance to the awesome Mexican beat that is the Mariachi Band, but due to Tippi's nagging, they don't stay for long. In the third room, there is a room filled with Mistakes.
Slim: The FOOD? Awww! I thought when she said "Mistake", she meant LABORATORY mistakes made by the government, which means we had to fight brain-eating zombies!
Tippi: ... Ok, no more TV for you.
Slim: *GASP* THEY TOOK OVER HER BRAIN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Tippi: *sigh*
After crossing the room, they enter the door.
Merlee: ARGH! You passed ALL THREE TRIALS?!
Peach: Duh!
Merlee: SILENCE! YOU LIED!
Mario: Uh, no. Didn't you hear Luigi's high-pitched screaming?
Peach: ACK! My Bros! How didja make it back here?
Mario: Debug mode, remember?
Peach: Oh yeah...
Merlee: So HE was the one making that annoying sound! I thought it was the radio again! Now, to destroy you!
"Merlee" reveals herself to be, of course, Mimi.
Boomer:*GASP* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE US ALONE?!
Mimi: Mimimimimimimimimimimimimimi! Beacuse I won't until you're destroyed, meanie!
Mario: Ok. And now, to ridicule your cat.
Mimi: Huh?
Mario: ... I got nothin'.
Luigi: (sarcastically) Wow.
Mario: SHUT UP-
Mimi: SILENCE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, PLUM!
Peach: It's PEACH! And HOW'S it MY fault-
Mimi: I don't know! But enough of this! TRUE MIMI, COME FORTH!
And, of course, Mimi turns into her spider form.
Luigi: *GASP* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Mario hits Luigi.
Mario: SHUT UP!
Peach: I'll handle her! You two, GO!
Mario Bros: Kay.
So they lave.
Peach: ... They ACTUALLY left?! I WAS KIDDING! Jerks...
Mimi: Mimimimimimimimimimi! DIE!
BOSS BATTLE!
Peach: 50/50 HP
Vs.
Mimi: Six legs
Peach: Six legs? Weird...
Mimi begins to shoot Rubees at Peach. With the help of Thoreau, Peach picks one up and hits Mimi with it in the face. Then she jumps on Mimi's head, and she loses a leg.
Mimi: OW! WHY YOU-
Mimi runs to the end of the room, and prepares herself for a buzzsaw attack. Peach uses her umbrella to protect herself, and when Mimi begins to recover from that attack, Peach jumps on her head again, and she loses another leg. Then Mimi shoots out several more Rubees, and one hits Peach in the head.
Peach: OW! The pain...
Mimi begins to crawl on the ceiling, dropping Rubees as she goes. When she returns to the ground, Peach throws a Rubee at her, and jumps on her head. Mimi tries the buzzsaw attack again, only to have Peach jump on her head afterwards. She tries shooting Rubees at Peach again, and you know the drill...
Mimi: ARGH! NO FAIR!
STATUS CHECK
Peach: 47/50 HP
Mimi: One leg
Mimi: Aww... C'MOOOOOOOOOOOON...
While Mimi is whining, Peach throws another Rubee at her, and jumps on her head. Obviously... PEACH WINS! And Mimi turns back to normal.
Peah: YES! TOLD you Kung-Fu chicks are all-powerful!
Mimi: Kung-Fu? Pffth! Karate is better!
Peach: *GASP* HOW DARE YOU-
Suddenly, the castle rumbles very violently, and... the floor disappears.
Mimi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Peach: SHUT UP! I'm saving us both, 'cause we're too young to die!
Mimi: But my precious Lila! I MUST SAVE HER!
Peach: Are you MAD?! You'll DIE if I let go!
Mimi: I can FLY, you know...
Peach: Oh yeah...
Peach drops Mimi.
Mimi: Wait... I'M TOO WEAK TO FLY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Peach: Poor girl... Now to get up.
Peach tries to hoist herself up. Unfortunately, the floors were mopped recently, so her hand slips. She loses her grip and falls.
Peach: CURSE YOU JANITOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR...
Mario: ... The princess is gone.
Luigi and Tippi: Yeah.
Mario: ... WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We don't hafta save her anymore!
Luigi: YES! I can taste those Friday nights again...
Tippi: ... You guys are jerks.
Mario Bros: Whatevs.
So they hit the Star Block.
Chapter 8-3
Mario: LE GASP! Skeleton dudes!
Luigi: What are we gonna do?
Tippi: Well-
Mario: Ooh! I know!
Mario flips; so do the skeleton dudes.
Mario: Crud. Now we gotta do it the hard way...
So they cross the hall the hard way. Along the way, they try the Slow Flower and the Speed Flower, and... well...
Mario:...We're NEVER grabbing those flowers again.
Luigi and Tippi: Agreed.
In the next room, they defeat the incoming Hogarithm, and enter the door. But...
Mario: WE'RE BACK WHERE WE STARTED!
They go through the door several more times, but alas...
Mario: Unless there's a secret code, WE'LL NEVER SAVE THE WORLDS-
Tippi: HEY IDIOTS! LOOK up there!
They looked up to see-
Luigi: Another path?
Mario: JUST like our original aventure! Remember?
Luigi: Yeah... AND I HATED THOSE ROOMS!
Mario: Aww, you're just sore 'cause you had trouble with those rooms in Bowser's seventh castle.
Luigi: AND THE PIRANHA PLANTS DIDN'T HELP EITHER!
Mario: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
After getting up there and defeating the Sobarribad, they enter the door.
Luigi: What's with the mirrors?
Mario: Whoever has these many mirrors MUST be vain.
Tippi: Guys?
Luigi: Or... he or she is very beautiful to the human eye, but when the mirrors reflect, their hidiousness is revealed!
Mario: Woah! Solid theory there, Luigi!
Tippi: Guys...
Mario: But we must press on! AND GET OFF OF ME!
Luigi: Sorry.
So they begin to cross the hall.
Tippi: GU- Hey! They're actually focusing now! Sweet...
Mario: HEY! It's the Circus Freak!
Tippi: ... Or not...
Luigi: The WHO?
Dimentio: Well, well, well... The man whose mustache dances upon his lip has arrived! AND Mr. L!
Luigi: The man whose mustache dances upon his lip? Sounds like an inane Kung-Fu name...
Dimentio: And you rhymed! We're gonna kill you for that...
Luigi: What-
To their dismay, TWO more(?!) Dimentios appear in the nearby mirrors, and begin to throw starbursts at them.
Luigi: The candy?
One hits Luigi in the face. Does THAT answer your question?
Luigi: NO-
Whatevs. So the Heroes find refuge in a "mirror", which leads to a secret room.
Mario: Check it out! A key!
Back in the hall, they avoid more starbursts, and get through the door safely.
Luigi: Ok, for real now. WHO WAS THAT GUY?!
Mario: Uhhhh... Peach told me that he wrote a letter to Spider-Gal in pink ink. In CURSIVE writing, mind you. AND he gave himself a nickname: Di-Di.
Luigi: Di-Di? WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?!
Boomer: Girly?
Luigi: EXACTLY!
Mario: He must be one of those sensitive types the girls LOVE to come to when the Alpha-Male dumps them or somethin'.
Luigi: True... Enlighten me.
They enter the door under the staircase, and while Luigi is solving the puzzle, Mario enlightens Luigi on the Alpha-Male and the Beta-Male.
Luigi: So you're saying that the Alpha-Male is -OW!- rich and good-looking, but is actually cold, heartless, and greedy?
Mario: Yup!
Luigi: ... That is SO you.
Mario punches Luigi in the nose. In the next room...
Luigi: And the Beta-Male is the average sweet, funny, and sincere guy?
Mario: Yes, you stupid, geeky Beta-Male.
Random Red Magiblot: Ha ha!
Mario: SILENCE! You DARE interrupt the process of enlightenment?!
Random Red Magiblot: Enlightenment? OOH! Enlighten me! Enlighten me!
Silence...
Mario: ... I got nothin'. Ponder this, and return tomorrow, young grasshopper.
Random Red Magiblot: Ok! I got nothin'... Hmmm....
While he is distracted, the Heroes enter the next door after hitting the right block.
Luigi: Mario, that wasn't even a haiku.
Mario: So?
After hitting another block, they enter the new door and hit more blocks in order. They get the key, go back to the main hall, and enter the locked door.
Random Skellobit: Yo.
Mario (obviously) destroys the Skellobit. They enter the door...
Luigi: NOT ANOTHER ONE! WHY does this section of the castle have everything I HATE?!
Mario: 'Cause the Circus Freak knows how to yank your chain. You know, mess with your mind. And you two hated each other anyways...
Luigi: WHAT?!
Mario: Uhh... LOOK! SALVATION!
Mario holds up... THE SPM PLAYER'S GUIDE FROM CHAPTER 4!
Mario: I stole it from Bowser.
Luigi: Oh.
And so, with the power of the stolen guidebook, they successfully make it through the room.
Mario: Successfully?! THAT SPIKY SKELLOBIT STABBED ME IN THE BACK!
That Spiky Skellobit: Ha ha!
In the next room...
Luigi: AHHH! MORE mirrors!
Mario walks in front of several mirrors, but nothing happens.
Luigi: Phew!
Suddenly, a Dimentio clone bursts through a nearby mirror and lands face-first.
Luigi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WALL DEMON!
In his panic, Luigi slips and falls, losing 1 HP.
Mario: Dork.
Dimentio Clone: Yo homie, wassup?
Mario: ... Okay, I'm scared.
Hip-Hop Dimentio Clone: Here, take this here key and run wit' it, kay? The Man STILL haven't paid my cash back, and I'm SERIOUSLY ticked off.
Mario: Uhh... Thanks?
Hip-Hop Dimentio Clone: Ya better go. I got a BRAWL to win!
So after edging off in an uneasy manner, the Bros. cross the hall, save their game, and enter the locked door. And guess who is there?
Luigi: David Bowie?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA NO! IT'S-
Dimentio: So you finally made it, like a failing student FINALLY passing their weakest subject!
Luigi: ... Ok, the comparison is scaring me.
Dimentio: AND I DON'T CARE. Catch me if you can, suckers! Aha ha ha! Ciao!
Dimentio leaves, leaving behind a blue block.
Luigi: Ok, I CAN'T believe I'm saying this, but... Let's go!
Mario: Or here's a better idea.
Mario walks towards the door.
Mario: LET'S GO, LUIGI!
Luigi: But we gotta chase him!
Mario: But Luigi-
Luigi: QUIT COMMANDING ME, YOU EVIL ALPHA-MALE, YOU! I HAVE FREE WILL!
Mario: ... O-kay...
Luigi hits the block, and disappears.
Tippi: Aw great, we lost another one.
Mario: Yeah. Too bad he didn't know the door was unlocked! Score one for the Alpha-Males! WHOO!
Mario enters the door, and hits the (DEJAGASPETH!) FINAL Star Block!
Chapter 8-4
Mario: OMG, THE FINAL SUBCHAPTER! I think I'm gonna cry!
Dottie: Of sadness, 'cause you'll miss us and wish this adventure hadn't ended so soon?
Mario: NO! Of JOY, 'cause I'm one subchapter away from TV heaven!
Tippi: And I just had a revelation! I now realize that the idiotic Count Bleck is actually my idiotic boyfriend, Blumiere!
Mario: ... I'm SO pretending you just didn't say that...
So Mario runs towards the end of the hall and enters the door. In the room, Tippi uses her pointing powers of funky disconess *busts a funky move* to find a hidden door, which they also enter.
Tippi: Man... With all this disconess, I guess I was a disco diva in my past life before I was a Pixl- HEY! Wait up!
Mario begins crossing the hall by jumping across rising and falling platforms. At one point, he has to flip to get across. In the next room...
Mario: Just like Bowser's Castle, baby. This will be easy!
Er... Due to the extreme black and white decor, Parabuzzies, and Tippi's constant naggimg, Mario has a unpleasant trip across, only to find-
Mario: A LOCKED door?!
Tippi: Yeah, genius! It has a padlock on it, yes?
Mario: I hate it when you get smart-
Tippi: And I hate your stalling! MOVE!
So Mario goes back to the platform in the middle of the hall, and enters the pipe. Combined with his flipping power and Dottie's shrinking power, they get the key, go back to the main hall, and unlock the door.
Mario: Ew, what smells like wet mammoth?
Mega Muth #1: HEY! WE DO NOT STINK!
Mega Muth #2: *GASP* Comrades! That's one of those infernal humans who contributed to our extinction!
All Mega Muths: *GASP* EXPIRE!
Mario: ... Crud.
And so, Mario has quite a hard time navigating this hall.
Mario: Almost... THERE...
He has 5 HP left, by the way. So it totally stinks when a Mega Muth hits him when he is in front of the door. But lo and behold, that Life Shroom he found has revived him!
Mario: RUN IF YA WANNA LIVE!
So, STILL with 5 HP, they enter the next room, which turns out to be-
Mario: A MAZE?! I'm SO gonna die...
But he doesn't! His determination for his TV vacation spurs him on, and with the SPM Player's Guide, he safely makes it!
Mario: That's right, 'cause I'm the king!
WHAT-EVER. So in that final room, he grabs an Ultra Shroom, saves his game, and enters the door to... COUNT BLECK'S LAIR!
Private Koopa: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!
Uh, thanks.
Private Koopa: No prob.
Mario: HEY! Can you get back to ME?!
Bleck: AHH! Nastasia! Did you just hear that?! The pit TALKED to Blecky!
Nastasia: K, Bleck, for real now. Throughout this ENTIRE story, we've tried and tried again to point out the obvious. And I'm gonna say it again, K? YOU HAVE A FLOOR!
Bleck: DO NOT!
Nastasia pushes Bleck off his platform, and leaves in a huff.
Bleck: YOU HAVE BETRAYED BLECK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
*SMACK TIMES TEN*
Bleck: Ow...
Mario: Yo.
Bleck: Uh... Yo?
Mario: NOW do you believe you have a floor?
Bleck: Yeah, sure, whatever, floor demon.
Tippi: Blumiere! Quit fooling around!
Bleck: ... Honey? Is that you?
Tippi: Yes!
Bleck: Is it honestly, truly you?
Tippi: YES!
Bleck: Are you SURE? 'Cause one time, da Bleckster thought Bleck saw you in the kitchen, but it was Mimi who shapeshifted into Scarlett Johanson.
Tippi: ... I'm SO gonna hit you.
Bleck: Why? You DID kinda look like her: blond hair, light brown/hazel eyes... So beautiful you were, and still are...
Tippi: Awwwwww...
Mario: BLEECH! I HATE lovey-dovey scenes...
Tippi: BUT THAT WAS MY SISTER!
Bleck: ... Oops...
Mario: (like Nelson) Ha ha!
Bleck: SHUT UP! They COULD be twins! It was SO long ago...
Tippi: NO, it WASN'T! It happened at the end of Sping Break! We're STILL in college, REMEMBER?! And how can you forget my long, stick-straight, shimmering raven hair, my blue-green eyes, my peachy skin?! AND you know I love to wear dresses the colors of the rainbow with matching glittering heels! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN MY GLAM LOOKS?!
Mario: Spring Break? And when did THAT end?
Tippi: Oh, about... three days ago.
Bleck: Three DAYS ago?
Mario: Three days. Well, I can't blame you. When I had to ride the Excess Express, a LOTTA stuff happened in three days! So I can relate...
Bowser: Yo.
Mario: ACK! WHAT THE-
Peach: Hi Mario!
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY MUST YOU LIVE?!
Peach: Well, if I hadn't used my parasol along with my training, I WOULDN'T be here, loser!
Bowser: Yeah! Me and Chunky Monkey fell through a secret passageway! That hurt, though...
Luigi: And I finally caught that guy at a 7-Eleven in space!
Paech: Uh, no. HE KO'd you, and was about to dispose of you by letting you drift towards the sun, and I SAVED you by kicking his butt.
Luigi: WAH! WHY must you tell the truth-
Mario: Whatevs. You found your girlfriend. Can you save us all now?
Bleck: Uhhh-
???: BLECK! LOOK OUT!
Suddenly, in slo-mo, Nastasia dives in front of Bleck and saves him from a suprise attack. Uhh... Is she dead?
Dimentio: Don't know, don't care. The important thing is, I MISSED!
Bleck: *GASP* YOU TRIED TO KILL THE AWESOMELY-AWESOME COUNT BLECK?!
Dimentio: No... I was aiming for HIM!
Dimentio points accusingly at Mario. Oh joy.
Mario: WHAT'D I DO?!
Dimentio: Your sarcasm sickens me, like food poisoning from O'Chunks's pitiful attempts at dinner!
Mario: Your FACE sickens-
Too bad he can't finish the sentence, due to a starburst in the face.
Mario: ... OW...
Dimentio: Remember, I'm LETHAL. Aha ha h-
Suddenly, the Ghost of Nastasia rips off Dimentio's mask... face... thing... to reveal-
The Heroes: *GASP* THE LOSER!
Ghost of Nastasia: Just as I expected! The real Dimentio was sent to the hospital 'cause of that cat attack, remember? He can't heal severe damages THAT fast...
Mario: CAT attack? Can you explain after this final battle-
Certain Death: SILENCE! I'm SICK of losing to you, Mario! IT'S REVENGE TIME!
Mario: Geez, your whining sounds familiar. Who ARE you?
Certain Death: Uhh... THAT IS NOT IMPORTANT!
So obviously, a curious and annoyed Mario rips of the olive green cloak of certain Death, to reveal the TRUE villain! And that guy is...
... ... ...
Bowser: ... An acorn?
???: NO, YOU IDIOT! IT'S ME, GOOMBARIO!
Mario: Ohh, the neglected guy.
Goombario: I'm SICK of being treated like nothing! Ever since Paper Mario- No- JOINING you, my life has gone downhill! Even my PARENTS and GRANDPARENTS don't want to be seen in public with me! I'M the FIRST Paper Mario partner; where's the honor for THAT?! And-
Bleck: He's boring Bleck. LET'S GET MARRIED!
Tippi: Did you get the milk I asked for?
Bleck: Uhh... C.B. put it somewhere- AHA!
Bleck pulls a carton of milk from his hat.
Tippi: THEN LET'S GET MARRIED!
Bleck: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
So while Bleck creates a door in joy, Goombario is still ranting.
Goombario: -And I SO wish that Apple Kid didn't write his parody of Paper Mario; that's the MAIN reason I want revenge! 'Cause of that STUPID adventure!
Mario: STUPID? Uh, no. I correct you. That was one AWESOME adventure, and you know it.
Goombario: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THAT'S IT!
Mario: Oh please. This is gonna be SO easy...
Uh, no. Ya see, after Paper Mario, Goombario went... away. Yes, away to far and distant lands to learn the Art of the Soldier, to create poisons and explosives, AND powerful magic. So... yeah. Mario gets served. AGAIN.
Mario: Shut up...
Meanwhile...
Mimi: Hi, Count!
Bleck: WHAT THE- How didja survive?
Mimi: Mimimimimimimimi! We'll tell you eventually! O'Chunks fell asleep from all the excitement over there... And I found my Lila-Puddykins!
Lila: Mew!
Peach: Whatevs. We don't have much time! You two, get married, NOW!
Mimi: ANOTHER wedding?! OOH! OOH! I'm the flower girl!
Suddenly, Mario flies into the room and crashes into the wall. Hard.
Mario: Tingly!
And Goombario flips in, with more energy than usual. Strange...
Goombario: YAH!
Peach: *GASP* THE ART OF THE SOLDIER! I can spot that anywhere...
Goombario: Oh, WHATEVER! That heart-thing gave me extra energy! AND I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL AND RULE ALL WORLDS! MUHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA-
Suddenly, a giant purple-black beam of energy wipes out Goombario, and... dare I say it... turns him into ash! He begins to drift away on the wind.
Ashes of Goombario: I'LL GET YOU AGAIN SOMEDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY...
Ghost of Nastasia: Ok, for real now. WHAT WAS THAT?!
And their savior turns out to be-
Mario: EEK! HELP! A mummy's standing on me and is going to eat my eyebrows alive-
Dimentio: SHUT UP! These casts are somewhat lumpy, it's hard to walk around with crutches and a hole in your chest, and my toe itches! Stupid paramedics... They HAD to accidentally drop me out of a window!
Mario: Sounds fun! BLEECHPANAPHONERNETTING!
Dimentio: Wha-?
Tippi: HEY! Marry us NOW!
Dimentio: Kay. And that means you guys owe me. So can I take over all worlds for my reward?
Peach: ... Do that, and you can kiss your pretty face goodbye.
Dimentio: Dang. Oh well...
So everyone gets into their places.
Dimentio: Sooo... We're gathered here today, on the most glorious... well, WORST of days, 'cause I'M supposed to be smiting Great Britain into the ground right now, but forget about that... Do you, Bleck, take Tippi to be your wife?
Bleck: Yes!
Dimentio: May you two be generally hospitible to each other... And please, try not to showcase your marraige issues on Maury OR Jerry Springer.
Bleck: HEY!
Dimentio: Do you, Tippi, take Bleck to be your-
Tippi: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just say it!
Dimentio: (And SHE'S the smart one....) I CAN'T believe I'm saying this, but... By the power of all that's good and right *gag*, I now pronounce you husband and wife. ACK! WHY did I just SAY that?! They're gonna be divorced by next week anyways...
Suddenly, the eight Pure Hearts appear! They begin to circle the Chaos Heart, and then... BAM! The Chaos Heart is destroyed, the dimensions begin to rebuild themselves, and the Heroes along with Bleck's minions reappear on top of Flipside Tower.
Luigi: ... Well, THAT was quick.
Mario: And those Pure Hearts made me smart and sarcastic again! WHOO!
Mimi: Hey! Where's the Count?
Dimentio: Did he die in the blast? I hope so...
Peach smites (or punches) Dimentio in the nose.
Dimentio: MY FACE-
Peach: SHUT UP!
Merlon appears.
Merlon: DUDE! YOU FLIPPIN' SAVED US ALL!
Everyone Else (except O'Chunks): So?
Merlon: Where's Tippi?
Mario: No idea.
Merlon: Oh, ok. PARTY TIME! TO SAFFRON'S!
Nearly Everyone Else: YEAH!
Peach: SAFFRON'S? Uh... I don't think that's a good idea...
And so, the Heroes and the Minions (they drag O'Chunks) go to Sweet Smiles for a wild party. Too bad Saffron doesn't care and still kicks them out. But then, they continue the party at Norlem's, so it wasn't SUCH a big deal. SO! WHAT happened to the people in this story? Well...
Mario Bros: None of them got the TV, after they lost it to Peach in a SSBM match. They fixed their sink, though.
Peach: Back ruling the Mushroom Kingdom, angry as ever. But then again, she's a bit happier after she found out that Bleck wasn't a licensed pastor. To commerate that, she's throwing a house party next Friday; everybody and anybody is invited. Including you!
Bowser: Is sad that he was never really married to Peach. But then again, he's way too busy getting ready for Peach's party next week.
Bleck and Tippi: Happlily living somewhere... Though I DID see them on Jerry Spinger once...
Nastasia: Misses Bleck and his stupidity deeply, to the point that she sings a dirge about it everyday. Afterwards, she doesn't care, 'cause she's focused on becoming a big-shot lawyer. She uses the anger usually reserved for Bleck and Co. in her career, so technically she's a MEAN big-shot lawyer.
O'Chunks: Eventually healed, and is trying to attract Nastasia's attention. Too bad her frustration is taken out on him daily. But he won't give up!
Mimi: Is now Merlee's ACTUAL handmaid. She's starting a new clothing line called Cutie Pie, and throws parties while Merlee is away. Her life was peachy... until she figured out who was behind her rival clothing line, and Merlee came home early one day. Oh, and Lila's missing. AGAIN.
Dimentio: Eventually healed, and is raising cash for his next attempt at universal domination: selling henchmen (clones of himself), a clothing line (to basically annoy Mimi), and his own signature purfume, Demented, which strangely smells like grapes and rotten melon with a twist of butter and melon.
The Pixls: Living with Merlon.
Merlon and Norlem: Are training for the local DDR competition.
Bestovious: Is trying to become a hero. But he's not good at it...
Melumina: Beat Morton in a speech to the death contest, as revenge for bring locked away and not appearing in the story. Well, she's ALREADY dead, so isn't that cheating?
Merlee: Running a House of Charms in Flopside. She and Merluvlee are STILL trying to outdo each other, to the point of sabotage.
Goombario: Is in the Underwhere, trying to plot revenge.
You: Is either shocked, amused, or annoyed by this Fun Fic's ending. If you're shocked, everything that tastes sweet to you shall taste sour. If you're amused, be wary, for your neighbor shall try to scam you three times. And if you're annoyed, may your relatives annoy you til' you snap!
And everyone else? I DON'T CARE! THIS marks the end of an era. And in a magical forest far away (Forest of Illusion?), Blumiere and Timpani are riding off into the sunset, with a familiar guy...
Blumiere and Timpani: (singing): Spider Pig... Spider Pig... Does whatever a Spider Pig does!
Pink Yoshi Kid: For the last time, I'M NOT A PIG!
Blumiere: Are too.
The Pink Yoshi Kid throws the couple off his back and begins to beat up Blumiere.
Blumiere: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE PAIN!
Timpani: DON'T WORRY, HONEY! I'LL SAVE YOU!
And so, Timpani beats the crud outta the Pink Yoshi Kid, and ties him to a tree. As she carried her Blumiere off into the sunset, he asked...
Blumiere: Are you SURE you're Timpani? 'Cause I remember her bangs stopped at her eyelashes, and yours stop an inch above your eyelashes...
Timpani punches Blumiere.
Blumiere: Ow.
The End
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