Chapter Eleven: Final Eclipse of the Seventh Moon
"Ha ha!" Mail Toad laughed as he threw the Frisbee to O'Chunks.
"Ha ha!" O'Chunks bellowed, and threw the Frisbee back. Craw-Daddy looked on with contentment. They were having so much fun. It was another beautiful, wonderful day in Gritzy Desert until Kooper showed up and skewered Mail Toad through the face with his Vortex Scythe.
"AHHHHH!" said Mail Toad as he died. "AHHHH!!!"
"LEAPIN' LINGUINI!" bellowed Craw-Daddy in surprise.
"MAIL-TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAADD!" O'Chunks sobbed, because Mail Toad was his best friend and he was really sad about that.
Craw-Daddy grit his teeth angrily, and pulled out his gundamium tomahawk, "Kooper! This is the last straw! What is your problem, you fat, dumb punk?!"
We watch a FMV of Kooper sneering, and bending down to pick up the Frisbee from Mail Toad.
"Just as The Prophecy foretells the opening of the Chaos Door, you must confront the destiny that is in front fo you so that you can find your fate."
"Yeah, I KNOW!" Craw-Daddy said irritably.
Kooper's nightmare-colored eyes glinted, and he cut the ignition of his Chaos Scythe. The music got really intense as he stood there glaring silently.
"PLAY BALL!" Reeling back his arm, he flung the Frisbee so hard it spun at Mach 7 speed and sliced O'Chunks in half in slow motion really fast.
"Grahhh!" O'Chunks protested. "GRAAAAAAHHH!" He exploded into blood and evil lightning. The Frisbee continued to spin forward and destroyed a mountain 90,000 miles away.
Kooper caught the Frisbee again and held it to O'Chunks’s neck.
"If you want your friend to live, you will go to the Flopside Pit of 1,000 Trials, and there you will kill The Chosen One in accordance with The Prophecy."
"GRUH! DON'T DO IT, CRAW-DADDY! I DON'T MATTER! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! LISTEN TO ME INSTEAD!!!"
Craw-Daddy looked really sad at O'Chunks, and shed two single tears for him because he knew what he had to do.
"Okay."
Kooper frowned, "Okay what?"
"I said okay."
"What does that mean?"
The FMV ends here.
"What?"
"Are you going to go do it?"
"No! He just told me not to, are you dumb?! He said don't!"
"Oh." Kooper killed O'Chunks in an extremely violent manner.
"O'CHUNKS!" cried Craw-daddy really loudly as he cried. It was really, really sad because they were best friends.
Kooper punched Craw-daddy in the face and broke his eye, "JUST GO TO FLOPSIDE!"
Craw-daddy rubbed his eye in pain, starting to get scared.
"I SAID DO IT!"
"Okay! Fine! Whatever! Geez!"
Kooper followed Craw-Daddy to the car to make sure he would go to the tournament, and got into the passenger seat and they both buckled up. Kooper glared at him and made sure he was driving to Flopside the whole way and not to Beanbean Valley.
Craw-Daddy knew he had to escape. But he couldn't because Kooper was making it really hard. Flopside was the most dangerous place he could possibly go and Craw-Daddy knew his power level wasn't strong enough without the Galaxy Driver. But unless he survived, the entire Floro-Sapien race would be killed.
Once again, he was powerless without the Galaxy Driver. Somewhere, Belome was laughing.
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Goompa and his fellows hade found "the Land of the Chosen Ones", which is so beautiful. UNTIL LAKILESTER CAME.
"AWOOOOOOGA!!! LAKILESTER UNLEASHED!!!"
Lakilester was a werewolf. He howled and ran down the hill at super speed, and then ran back up because Goompa and his fellows were on top of the hill. He showed his fangs because he was a werewolf and howled again.
"HAND OVER THE ETERNITY SCALES, GOOMPA!" Lakilester shrieked, spit dripping from his mouth onto his really nice shirt. Goompa sneered and pulled out his grenade-sword.
"Do you really want to do this?" Goompa asked as he took the grenade off the sword and tossed it to the side. "I have a grenade-sword, you know."
Lakilester knew the fearsome power behind the grenade-sword. After all, Chanterelle had taught him all about its power. But Chanterelle was dead. There was no bringing her back from being dead. For real, this time.
"This is for Chanterelle," Lakilester growled, fighting back tears. "She was so hot. AND YOU KILLED HER! SHE HAD EYES LIKE ICE CREAM! HOW COULD YOU KILL HER?!"
"I… I didn't."
"AND GOOMBA KING!" Lakilester screamed. "YOU KILLED HIM TOO!"
"Actually, I'm, uh, I'm still alive!" Goomba King piped up from behind Goompa.
"HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND AND I LOVED HIM SO MUCH!" Lakilester sobbed. "AND HE HAD REALLY NICE-SMELLING HAIR!"
"Awkward!"
"But now I'm back, Goompa," Lakilester snarled. The werewolf rage was inside him and it cut into his heart like the pain of eternal sorrow. "And this time, I'm unleashed. Lakilester unleashed."
"Really now?"
"Yeah."
"Okay."
Lakilester began to transform as he continued speaking. "This is what I received for fulfilling the Dark Contract with the Dark Brotherhood with the Dark Fountain Pen: werewolf powers. That's what I received."
"The Dark Fountain Pen?" Goompa gasped. He twirled his sword around and accidentally stabbed Goomba King in both eyes, but it was okay because now he could wear two very cool eye-patches. "I've only heard of it once before… in the Prophecy."
"Don't you DARE say Chanterelle's name!"
"Um… Wait, what?"
This was the last straw. Lakilester breathed his werewolf laser breath and began carving up Goompa's fellows. Goompa groaned and punched Lakilester in the face.
"CHANTERELLE!" Lakilester screamed as he tripped and fell on flaming lightning spikes. "I'M SORRY I COULDN'T AVENGE YOU!!!"
"Will you SHUT UP about Chanterelle?! I don't even know who that IS!"
Lakilester grit his teeth really hard and accidentally bit his lip. "OW!" he said. But he managed to withstand the agony and looked up with werewolf fury. In front of him was the one who had taken his love, who was Chanterelle. This was serious business.
"LAKILESTER UNLEASHED!" he shrieked as he got up and fell on some more spikes. All of his body parts were stabbed by spikes. Goompa merely rolled his eyes and began to walk away.
"Wait, WAIT! COME BACK!"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" Goompa bellowed. "I HAVE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE!"
"LAKILESTER UNLEASHED!"
"STOP SAYING THAT!"
Lakilester gathered all of his remaining werewolf strength. Now it was really time for Lakilester unleashed. He had to win for Chanterelle, Goomba King, and the glory of the Chaos Door. He prepared all of his spirit energy for the greatest werewolf laser breath attack he could manage. THIS WOULD BE HIS FINAL ATTACK
Mouser shot Lakilester in the head and killed him. He then turned and shot Goomba King, severely wounding him. Then he turned to Goompa.
"Hey, Goompa!"
"Hello, Mouser!"
Mouser gave Goompa a hearty, one-handed pistol wink and walked down the road. Goompa waved heartily while Goomba King writhed blindly in a pool of his own blood.
But where was Jimmy T?
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"ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT!" shouted Dr. Crygor, banging his gavel to silence the noisy courtroom. Naval Piranha wouldn't shut up even though he did that, but he continued anyway. "The man before us stands accused of murder in the first degree of Smithy. Defense, how do you plead?"
18-Volt looked dead into the cryptic face of the twisted judge. He knew Crygor would do everything in his power to get him imprisoned, but he didn't want that to happen because prison is not a cool place to be. "Not guilty, Your Honor."
"What?" said Crygor.
"Not guilty," said 18-Volt.
"Oh, whatever," Crygor said. "Prosecution, your opening statement?"
Hermie III rose from his bench and stood before the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen, before you stands a guilty man. We have so much proof against him, it's not even funny. In his anger and confusion, he murdered a poor and innocent bad guy, and it's up to you to make sure he pays the full price for it. Thank you." He shuffled over to his bench. He's a hermit crab.
"This isn't looking good!" 18-Volt said nervously.
"Don't worry," Hoot the Owl said reassuringly. "I believe in you, and you should believe in yourself. Unless you did it, which you probably did because they have a bunch of evidence. But I believe in you anyway,"
"Defense, your opening statement?" Crygor demanded.
"Of course, Your Honor." Hoot snickered, standing up. "Ladies and gentlemen, 18-Volt didn't kill anyone. Why would he do that? That's stupid."
Chatter erupted from the jury. They seemed to agree with him.
"Order! Order!" Crygor said. He fired a laser at Donkey Kong, which killed him instantly. The court fell silent once again. "I've gone over this case thoroughly, and I think I'm ready to make my verdict already… unless the defense feels they have a solid case."
"Oh… er…" Hoot muttered nervously. He turned to 18-Volt for an answer.
"Yes!" he said, angrily.
"Your Honor," Hoot began, "this is impossible! I… I'm not ready! I was never ready for this!" He began crying.
"Defense, compose yourself!" Crygor shouted at 18-Volt.
"I have to confess… The Seventeen Trials of Delfino… I cheated on every one of them! I'm not ready to be a lawyer!" Hoot flew hastily into a glass pane window and smashed through it, flying to freedom.
"…" said 18-Volt.
"Well, I guess that settles it," chuckled Crygor, looking up at the window. "The defense has failed to present a proper argument, so I'll have to declare the verdict…"
…
"OBJECTION!!"
Everyone in the audience gasped and looked towards the source of the outcry. It was 18-Volt, pointing at Crygor, his face radiating with rage and anger.
"What the?" Crygor said. "You're not a lawyer, you can't object."
Everyone laughed at 18-Volt because he wasn't a lawyer and couldn't object. He was so embarrassed that he turned red.
"Then I declare the defense… GUILTY!" shouted Crygor.
"STOP THE TRIAL!" Frogfucius roared, plowing through the wall on a motorcycle and wielding the Burning Crossbow. "TAKE THIS, YOU TRAITOR!" he shouted, firing eighty-nine bolts randomly into the audience. Eighteen people were struck by bolts and died, four people died from the flames that ensued after the shots, and seven people weren't near any of it but died anyway.
"Argh!" said Crygor, jumping into his escape pirate ship and taking Hermie III with him. "You won't be so lucky next time! We have the Prophecy on our side!"
"I KNOW!!!" Frogfucius said, shooting the Hammer Bros. in the face and killing them execution-style.
"Here! Take this!" Crygor laughed, throwing a piece of paper at Frogfucius. It hit him in the face and he fell down.
"What is it?" Boshi said, walking up to Frogfucius.
"It's a piece of the map…" he growled. "Belome is watching us…"
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"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU HUSSY!"
"NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST, YOU SLUTTY LADY!"
Princess Peach Toadstool and Chaos Valentina sky rocketed at each other with light speed, both with their bloody broadswords drawn for battle. They collided and–
Okay. Maybe I started too soon. Allow me to explain:
You see this is a sentence. In a paragraph. In a story, categorized as a fan fiction, fan fiction being fictional stories written by fans of a particular series. This one happens to be specializing in the fandom of a video game series, namely, Super Mario Bros.
Super Mario Bros. was created in 1985 by the Nintendo corporation. Previously Mario starred in a video game called Donkey Kong. This was a primitive form of the popular “platforming” style of video games. In this game, Mario became the star with his brother Luigi as they tried to kill turtles. That might have actually been Mario Bros. But then they went on to Super Mario Bros, where the two became super heroes fighting against the forces of evil.
The series went on to fame and fortune. It became so popular, in fact, that fans of the games made their own stories called fan fiction. And now we've covered that.
Back to our story, Princess Toadstool and Chaos Valentina COLLIDED in an explosive frenzy of violence! Their swords swung and slashed off important pieces of skin.
"Ugh, you witch!" Toadstool screamed, her cheek bleeding.
Chaos Valentina giggled between her teeth. "Please, you should see how many knives to the face I've taken. It takes pain to look this beautiful."
Princess Toadstool threw her sword at Chaos Valentina; it cut the strap of her elegant gown ever so slightly as to tantalize the eye but keep the censors at bay.
The THREE LITTLE PIGS watched anxiously. "WOO, cat fight!"
Chaos Valentina shot a bolt of lightning with her magic at Princess Toadstool. Peach deflected it with her humble servant Toad. Toad absorbed the blast and exploded into spores with the sound that a squeak toy makes.
Wooster shook his head disapprovingly, and mopped the floor amidst the battlefield. "Can't you guys just get along?"
"No! Don't you see? She works for the armies of chaos!" Chaos Valentina screeched.
"You liar! There is no armies of chaos!" Princess yells.
"Is that so?" Chaos Valentina eyed the princess up and down. She floated into the air and pulled out a toy: it was the GENO FIGURINE. "THEN WHAT IS THIS?!"
Peach swallowed hard. Her eyes turned to Wooster and the Three Little Pigs. "What, that's just a Geno doll."
"WRONG, YOU IGNORANT SLUT!" Chaos Valentina threw the doll at Peach. "It's a CHAOS GENO DOLL!"
The Three Little Pigs ran away. Wooster followed them, trying to keep the castle clean. They were very messy pigs.
"Please, stop! What do you want from me?" Princess Toadstool cried.
"I want you to die."
Chaos Valentina floated down and pointed her longest finger at Peach. A burst of air shot out and tore off Peach's dress and then her skin.
But Peach didn't die… because underneath her skin and clothes we see that she was wearing a disguise, because she was really-
"CHAOS PRINCESS TOADSTOOL!" Chaos Valentina proclaimed.
Chaos Peach looked exactly the same as the regular Peach but wore her hair in a part to make her hair look Emo.
"So you found me out. I suppose I should commend you on your detective skills," Chaos Peach said.
"Elementary, my dear Watson," Chaos Valentina explained rather scholarly. "Now, where is the REAL Princess?"
Chaos Peach pulled out her Chaos Whip, rainbow electricity coursing through it. "Somewhere dark in a land you'll never find her!"
"Dark Land!" Chaos Valentina exclaimed.
"What? No! She's not there!" Chaos Peach hurled the Chaos Whip and wrapped it around Chaos Valentina. It started to suck her energy away and back into Chaos Peach. "Mmm, your energy is so delicious."
The Three Little Pigs poked their heads through the window. "That's pretty hot."
Chaos Valentina fell to her knees, veins in her forehead and her skin becoming cold and clammy. "You won't get away with this. The savior will find you."
Chaos Peach smiled at Chaos Valentina as liquid spewed from her lips. "The savior is already dead. I killed him myself."
Chaos Valentina spoke her final words. "No… There is another... according to the Prophecy."
Chaos Peach sucked up the rest of Chaos Valentina and increased her energy. The Mushroom guards ran into the chamber, armed with spears. Chaos Peach hurled a blast to the ceiling and the sunlight poured through.
"Stop! In the name of Mushroom Law!"
"You mangy filth, you'll never stop us. The Chaos Door is Ajar, and soon to be smashed completely open! Especially since I now have the Golden Gumdrop Key." Chaos Peach twirled the Golden Gumdrop Key on her longest finger.
And Chaos Peach ballroom danced out the castle ceiling's new skylight and disappeared in a lightning bolt.
Wooster entered the room with his mop and started to clean up the mess with an angry frown. "Women!"