Chapter One: Requiem of Destiny
The setting sun burned crimson in the horizon as the two armies collided over the wartorn plains of Beanbean Valley. Doomships cut broad swaths of death through the Mushroom Kingdom forces and rained destruction upon the helpless villages below.
Luigi rocketed and weaved with his jetpack through the swarms of unrelenting doomships like an enraged hornet. His prized katana singing, he sliced through the Bob-omb and Bullet Bill cannons with fluid grace. Finally, upon finding the heart of one of these towering beasts, he pried open the engine panel and ripped at the wiring with feral desperation. Failure was not an option.
"Stop right there, you big palooka!"
Luigi wrenched his neck just in time to react. He backflipped across the deck of the doomship and narrowly avoided the slice of his enemy's scythe.
Luigi recovered from his tumble, and narrowed his brow. "It's... YOU. But I killed you in Delfino years ago."
Kooper grimaced, chewing on his billowing cigar. He readied his scythe and ignited his jetpack. "I thought I'd return the favor."
Luigi leapt aside as Kooper swooped past him like grim death. The emerald plumber tried desperately to ignite his jetpack, but Kooper viciously would not give him a moment's reprieve.
The doomship was already losing altitude, the engine bursting into flames from the tampered wiring. The explosion distracted Kooper just enough for Luigi to dive overboard, and tumble headlong at the speed of sound towards the rock-hard ground.
His jetpack roared to life in an instant that seemed to last a century. Unsheathing his katana, Luigi brought it up just in time to block Kooper's next attack.
The blades grinded and trembled together as Kooper and Luigi glared hatefully into one another's eyes.
"You can't run from your past forever, Luigi," Kooper snarled. "No matter what you do, it won't erase what you've done! You killed your own father!"
"SHUT UP!" Luigi roared, and slammed his elbow deep into Kooper's chest. "I WILL FULFILL THE PROPHECY!"
Kooper reeled back, winded, and was sent tumbling through the obscurity of a smiling cloud. Luigi had no more time to lose. His jetpack groaned as Luigi zoomed off at speeds beyond what the engine was designed to handle. Behind him, Kooper had regrouped with a fleet of Paragoombas, but he would not let them close in on him. His engine groaned and sparked as it was brought to the breaking point. Booster's Tower was just ahead.
"C'mon. Just a little further..."
Bullet Bills zipped by him at tremendous speeds, and narrowly missed, Luigi finally burst through the stained glass window of the highest floor of the tower. He tumbled to the ground, his arm broken and his body battered. The enemy was rapidly closing in, and he only allowed himself one moment to glimpse upon the artifact in awe before seizing it.
With a triumphant roar, Luigi proclaimed "SHIIIINE GEEEEETTT!!!" and all was bathed in a blinding, trenscending light.
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The sun shone down mercilessly upon a solitary gray Shy Guy staggering through the desert. Each step through the golden sands drove Anti Guy closer and closer to madness. But he had to proceed. The fate of the kingdoms depended on it.
The prophecy had stated that the 1-Up Hearts were to be found in the middle of Desert Land. He had started out with a band of merry Koopas on Ostros, but they had all been swallowed up by quicksand immediately after setting off. Anti Guy was left alone, with only his two chainsaws and rocket boots.
A chilling screech was suddenly heard from above. Anti Guy looked up and saw a single Albatoss. There was nothing odd about that, for Albatoss were common in this area. He thought nothing of it and continued his perilous trek.
"Water…"
Anti Guy collapsed on the hot desert sands. All hope was lost. He had failed his kingdom. He cursed the fates as he prepared himself for his certain death.
But what was that? The Shy Guy squinted his eyes to focus on the blurry image in front of him.
It was an oasis!
Anti Guy immediately got up to his feet without effort and ran fifty miles toward where the oasis was. But right when he was two inches away, five hundred grenades rained from the sky. In a massive explosion, the oasis was soon deoasised.
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!" Anti Guy looked up and saw his nemesis, Dr. The Angry Sun. Accompanying the giant ball of fire was a pack of eight hundred and four Albatoss.
"You have escaped me for the last time, Anti Guy!" Dr. The Angry Sun cackled maniacally as he sent swarm after swarm of Albatoss at the gray Shy Guy. "Now you will die, probably!"
Explosions were everywhere. Left to right. Up and down. Diagonally. Sort of to the left, but not that far. Anti Guy managed to dodge all of these with exceptional skill.
Chain Chomps began bursting out of the ground, their fangs seeking Shy Guy flesh. Anti Guy stabbed through four Chain Chomps with his chainsaw in a single thrust, cut their chains, and began swinging the Chomp heads at other Chomps, causing them to explode. Tornadoes of sand began forming and soared toward Anti Guy, but he cut the tornadoes into eighty pieces each.
Dr. The Angry Sun was mildly irritated as all of his subordinates were dispatched in eight seconds. He began firing meteors of flaming death at Anti Guy. But Anti Guy dashed up a nearby mountain and with one last burst of strength, jabbed both chainsaws in Dr. The Angry Sun's eyes.
"OWWWWWWWWWW!!!" Dr. The Angry Sun screamed horribly as his eyes were jabbed by two chainsaws. He fell down towards the earth and exploded, sending all of Desert Land aflame immediately. Anti Guy managed to dodge this with his rocket boots. As all of Desert Land horribly burned to death, Anti Guy shook his head sadly. He found the 1-Up hearts on the ground right next to him, and placed them in his robe.
"The prophecy must be fulfilled."
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It was nighttime over Diamond City, 1:25 AM to be precise. Everybody was asleep, except for one man in his office building, counting his money.
"WA HA HA!" Wario announced over his freshly counted stack of dough. "That’s a lotta money!"
Wario was very successful in his business, Wario Ware Incorporated. They'd invented a new type of video game called a microgame that was only about five seconds long! Despite the short length, most of them sold very well. Because of this, Wario was making a lot of money, and was even doing it legally.
"I’m-a the weennah!" Wario announced to himself.
Wario was not the only one stirring in Diamond City this night. Inside a nearby house, one restless boy was staring mindlessly into his double-screened, sticker-rigged LCD paradise.
9-Volt was on level 9 of Ultra Klingon Disaster Wars, and he was about to break the high score. Sweat dripped down his helmet as he carefully maneuvered through all of the obstacles, being especially careful not to come in contact with any of them, and making sure not to get hit in the process.
"Come on! Five more!" he shouted, leaning closer to the small screen. "Shoot! Turn left! Turn right! TURN LEEEEFFTT!"
9-Volt’s last life was suddenly taken by a rock on the bottom screen. 9-Volt yelled out in anger, as he was only 2 points away from beating 18-Volt’s High Score of 340,012,299,918,237,226. "This game is SO STUPID!"
Suddenly, his screen glowed a bright green color. The boy looked in awe as the light spread from out of his Nintendo Dual Screen Entertainment System Lite and engulfed the entire room.
"W-what’s going on?!" he shouted frantically.
"The prophecy… it has begun…" boomed a mysterious voice from the green light.
"Who said that?!" 9-Volt demanded. "Who are you?! AAAAAAAAAAGGHHH!!!"
The glowing ceased, and all that remained
was a Dual Screen Entertainment System.
"I’m-a rich!" Wario continued to announce.
Suddenly, he heard a knock at his door.
"WHA?!" Wario shouted, confused. He managed to pull himself away from his money and pull open the door. "Whaddya want?! I’m-a so-a busy-a!" Wario complained to the mysterious hooded figure behind the door.
What was under the hood was clearly not visible, except for two glowing green eyes. There were two angel wings on the back of the mysterious stranger, and he was carrying a suitcase.
"Wario, is it?" the figure hissed.
"YEAH," Wario shouted, angrily.
"I thought so… Hehehehe…"
"Whaddya want? What is-a that?!" Wario complained as the figure opened the suitcase.
"Wario…" it began, pulling out a magical glowing star stone. "You are the chosen one!"
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The night was dark. A silver hue shined from the moon behind the clouds as the chilling, frosty winds swept along the galleon. The creaking of the ship’s lines was the only accompanying sound to the chorus of gusty gales blowing in the seaworthy vessel’s white sails. A figure stepped onto the ship from the parked helicopter. A shark pirate looked at him, cockeyed. "You came in a HELICOPTER?!"
The figure jump-kicked from the void of green lines and head-punted the pirate in the back of the head. After snapping his neck, the figure walked into the captain’s quarters.
The captain, Jonathon Jones, sipped lightly on his translucent, sparkling rum filled with carbonation bubbles. He sneered across the table as the figure entered. "Agent Smithoshi! What sin have I committed to enjoy the disdain of your company?"
Agent Smithoshi, a sunglasses-wearing Goomba who also wore a black-gray fedora, stood in the doorway as lightning struck behind him. "Sorry I’m late, Cap’n." The Goomba’s tiny feet shuffle across the wooden floor towards the captain’s desk. "I was finishing up a boxing match."
Jones threw his glass against the wind. "What is it you want? The sooner you’re gone, the better."
Smithoshi jumped onto the desk angry and furious. "Shh! They’re here, you!"
"Who’s here?"
"The Seventeen Arch-Angels of the Prophecy!" the Goomba spat.
Jonathon Jones swallowed hard and drank his rum from his wine glass. He looked curtly out the window and bared his teeth in the soft light of the moon. "An old legend that lives on only through the lips of the sky and breath of the wind." He turned around.
Smithoshi shook his head. "Tsk, tsk, Jones. You have little faith in the matters of the judgment. Take a look."
BLAM! A golden medallion with a watch in it dropped onto the desk. The pirate shark eyed it and his face changed from angry to frightened. "So it’s true. It has finally come to be." The Goomba nodded. Jones glared at him. "Ye must fulfill the prophecy!"
Smithoshi snarled like a lion with HIV. "I WAS THE ONE WHO CAME HERE!"
Jones snatched the medallion in his hand. "And too long your stay has been. My regards to Davy Jones!"
A trapdoor beneath Agent Smithoshi opened and he plummeted toward the water. At the last second he escaped via the void of green lines. Jonathon grimaced at the golden watch and instructed his men.
"Set sail for… Lavalava Island."
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The prophecy states that given the existence as uttered forth in the public works of Fire Flower and Mushroom of a personal Star coin-coin-coin-coin with white beard star power, star power, star power, star power outside time without extension who from the heights of divine Goomba divine Koopa divine Para Troopa loves us dearly with some exceptions for reasons unknown.
But time will tell and suffers like the divine Chain Chomp with those who for reasons unknown but time will tell are plunged in torment plunged in fire whose fire flames if that continues and who can doubt it will fire the Cheep Cheep that is to say blast Mushroom Kingdom to Minus World so blue still and calm so calm with a calm which even though intermittent is better than nothing but not so fast.
And considering what is more that as a result of the labors left unfinished crowned by the Mushroomademy of Staropometry of Firey-in-Flowery of Yoshi and Piranha Plant it is established beyond all doubt all other doubt than that which clings to the labors of men that as a result of the labors unfinished of Yoshi and Piranha Plant it is established as hereinafter but not so fast.
For reasons unknown that as a result
of the public works of Fire Flower and Mushroom it is established beyond
all doubt that in vie of the labors of Bloober and Hammer Brother left
unfinished for reasons unknown of Yoshi and Piranha Plant left unfinished
it is established what man deny that men in Flowery of Yoshi and Piranha
Plant that man in Firey that man in short that man in brief in spite of
the strides of jumping and collecting 1-ups wastes and pines wastes and
pines and concurrently simultaneously what is known as the Yoshi Chronicles.
Piranha Plant grove writhed listlessly as Elvin Gadd trounced through the lashing tendrils in his enormous, mechano armor pants.
"FORWARD!" snarled E. Gadd, flailing wildly at the controls. "Find the wretch and kill him! The kingdom is at stake! All will be laid to waste if we do not stop him!"
E. Gadd's troop of murderous Ninjis followed in tow in their own stilted mecha pants. The one following up the rear stumbled and lagged behind because he was stupid.
From the brambles a cloaked figure dropped, wielding dual daggers. Silently he dropped behind the lagging Ninji and placed his knives against his throat.
"Make one noise and I kill you nine times before you hit the ground."
The Ninji said okay and they continued silently forward without a word. Then, the figure leapt into the air and jumped into the center of the group.
"I HAVE YOU NOW!" it exclaimed, and threw eighteen knives, and the Ninjis and their mechano pants all exploded.
E. Gadd veered around and gasped in shock because he was surprised. "It's YOU! The person we've been looking for!"
"Yes!" boomed the cloaked figure proudly. "You couldn't find me, because I was hiding!"
"Ah!" E. Gadd said.
"And now, when I kill you, I will have the eighth key of The Prophecy and I won't need you anymore!"
"I won't let you!" E. Gadd shouted, and drew his colt pistol only to have it knocked out of his hand by four throwing knives. "Blast!"
The figure laughed deeply under its hood. "That is no way to treat someone as powerful as me. Your time is up, Elvin!"
Suddenly, the figure threw off his cloak to reveal his true identity.
"NO! IT CAN'T BE!"
"But it is," Tuxie the Penguin said with a vicious smirk. "I have been tricking you into following me all this time so that I could take your key!"
"You have NO idea what you are doing, Tuxie! The power is too much! The Prophecy won't allow it!"
"No one will be able to stop me. I am the true chosen one. HA HA HA!"
E. Gadd felt fear in his heart from the wicked laugh. He needed to escape.
"There is no escape!" Tuxie bellowed. E. Gadd screamed.
"If you want to live, you will have to compete against me in the sport of my people. If you win, I will not kill you. If you lose, you will be killed and have to give me the key."
E. Gadd raised an eyebrow. "What sport?"
Tuxie drew out a small, blue stone, gathered magic into it, and blasted out a ray of freezing mana. With it, he created a slippery, frosty slide that veered and turned sharply all the way through the grove. "Why, only the best sport of them all!
"BUTT SLIDING!" Tuxie roared magnificently.
And so, E.Gadd and Tuxie got into position.
"Okay. One, two, three, GO!"
E. Gadd wrenched the levers and the mechano pants began sliding dangerously over the narrow stretch of ice. Tuxie slid alongside at mach 2, and the two sped down the slippery slope.
Bumping into each other, they growled and pushed and shoved and snarled at lightning speed. But then, E.Gadd leaned too far to the left and plummeted over the side. He tumbled, screaming, "NOOOOO!" as he fell into the hungry mouths of the Piranha Plants.
"BAHAHAHAHAH!" Tuxie sneered, and held up the final key. "And now the ritual can finally begin!"
*\\~//*//~\\*\\~//*-*\\~//*//~\\*\\~//*
Lightning crackled above as the two figures faced each other on the perilous and slippery rooftop of Bowser's castle. Lady Lima held her double-sided katana steady at her side, facing her former lover. "How could you?" she sobbed. "How could you betray our kingdom as well?"
The Chancellor steadied his fedora and let out a long drag from his cigar. "I can't stop myself, sweet cheeks. The power inside of me is growing. I can't control it."
"That power is darkness!" Lady Lima screamed. "The darkness will consume you whole!"
"No, it won't."
"Yes, it will!"
"No, it won't."
"But it will!"
"No, it won't. I'm very familiar with The Prophecy, honey biscuits. Big Lantern Ghost told me about the Omniblade before he was killed by Punchinello's goons."
Monty Moles with sawed off shotguns began climbing from below. A sinister chuckle could be heard from behind the two. Lady Lima turned to find Mouser, cloaked in black and brandishing a revolver with his golden hook.
"It's THE END, lovebirds."
Lady Lima clung to the Chancellor desperately. "You mustn't make this mistake! Too many of our companions have been killed because of the Chaos Door! It was never meant to be opened!"
"I won't be consumed by the darkness," the Chancellor reassured the sobbing Beanbean. "I can control it. Seriously, I won't be consumed by the darkness. Seriously."
"Enough talk," Mouser snarled as he shot eighteen bullets in the air. "You're finished!"
"Not today, Mouser!" the Chancellor shouted. "I can't die. Not yet."
With that said, the Chancellor brought Lady Lima towards him and kissed her passionately for two minutes. As they broke apart, giant bat wings sprung from the Chancellor's back and he flew through the pouring rain into the horizon.
Lady Lima stared Mouser down and brought out both of her double-sided katanas. She spit out her chewing tobacco and killed ten Monty Moles in ten blows. Then she dropkicked Mouser into a chimney.
"Ow," Mouser said.
Lady Lima then ran down the side of the castle, did a backflip, and landed in the hands of Parakarry.
"I am relieved that you are safe, Lady Lima."
"We must go retrieve the Sacred Jewel of the Dynast-Koopa, Parakarry."
"Of course, my lady. It is as you say."
Both warriors also flew into the horizon. Mouser gritted his teeth in frustration as he staggered to his feet.
"You may have escaped this time, but just you wait. Neither of the kingdoms will stand a chance against Organization Enigma."
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A red-cloaked figure scurried through the damp city streets of Bosley, a small, dank town in the southern reaches of Pipe Land. The rain was heavy, and few denizens dared to wander in the dark, wet streets.
The figure scurried into an alley and came to a door with a barely legible label reading "Bolgia 4". It knocked on the door and a pair of glowing, red eyes revealed themselves from behind a metal latch.
"What's the password?" it demanded in a low, gruff voice.
The short, mysterious figure glanced down the alley to make sure he'd not been followed. "Super Mushroom," he recited.
The alley rattled at the sound of several heavy locks being undone, and shortly after, the rusty door creaked open. The figure stepped inside the tavern and removed his cloak.
The smell of smoke and mildew emanated off the wet tavern walls. A few rough-looking Goombas, Koopas, and Podoboos glared at the stranger. He wiped a strand of wet hair from over his eye and took a seat at the bar.
"You," he said to the bartender. "I'd like a glass of milk, please."
The barkeep began to fulfill his request, but was interrupted.
"…in a dirty glass!"
The other occupants of the tavern were caught off-guard by this daring request, and some chatter began to arise among the crowd alongside some glances at the bold, green man.
"You think you're tough enough to handle that?" the barkeeper asked, raising a massive, white brow.
"Me?" the Beanbean began. "I don't care anymore…"
The barkeeper came back with a slightly smudgy mug full of milk. He slid it over to the Beanbean, who looked back at him.
"I think I know you from somewhere," he said, observing the barkeep.
The barkeeper was a large Goomba with a five ‘o clock shadow and a huge, white mustache. His pants were white with red stripes, and he had a lazy eye. The most notable feature, however, was the crown that decorated his head.
"It's been a long time, Peasley," King Goomba grunted. "What brings you to these parts?"
Peasley looked to the side for a moment, trying to figure out precisely how to word his grim news. "I came to find you, actually…"
There was an awkward silence for a few moments. Neither party could think of what to make of the awkward reunion. Peasley sipped his drink and finally spoke.
"Your Majesty," Peasley started, "I have terrible news…"
King Goomba looked worried. Peasley remained silent for several seconds and the massive Mushroom grew concerned. "What?!" he barked. "What is it?!"
Peasley looked into his murky glass of milk. "Waluigi is missing."
King Goomba bit his lip. "What are you talking about, Peasley?"
"It's true!" Peasley shouted, fighting back tears. "Nobody's heard from him in a week! DAD only knows if he's even alive anymore!"
"Not Waluigi…" King Goomba muttered, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "What did he do? WHY WALUIGI?!"
Peasley finished his milk and set down the unclean mug. He rose from his seat and turned for the door. "I thought you'd like to know…"
"This can't be happening…" King Goomba mumbled. "Is there no hope?"
Peasley swiftly turned and looked him dead in the eyes. "I'm going to look for him. I have to find him! The prophecy MUST BE FULFILLED!" he announced, banging his hand on the counter. King Goomba kicked a chair in frustration.
Peasley grabbed his cloak, revolver, and Magical Crescent Necklace his grandfather gave him just before he passed away. "I'll see you around… and I promise… I'll have him with me!"
With that, the prince started back out into the pouring rain.
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Pennington was furious. "TOAD! THIS IS THE END!" Toad felt nervous.
"I had to do it! There was no choice!" Toad screamed.
Pennington narrowed his black dots of eyes. "Sham bam bamina." Toad slumped over from the bullet fired from Pennington's gold revolver. Pennington walked over and picked up the gem. It was the Jewel of the Melancholy Perils, and Pennington had it. He looked at the sickening mauve casing that housed the swirling souls of tortured spirits, which were also of a sickening mauve tint. He went down to the secret base in the secret room of the secret painting in the secret museum in the secret Poshley Heights. There he met the priest, a cloaked figure with shining, amber eyes.
"Our Order of the Crying Fire Flower has come into possession of the Ancient Machine of Destined Agony. When we use the Jewel of Meloncholy Perils in this machine, our goal shall be accomplished," the ominous figure stated.
"Indeed, Father," Pennington replied. "With this, we can usher in the terror described in the prophecy."
"Yes, and then you and I, Pennington, we shall rule over this puny world."
Pennington's eyes sparkled an evil glow, and his chubby penguin exterior cast a demonic glow. "Yes. All according to plan."
The priest then took the vomit-inducing mauve gem and stuck in into its place among the stone gears and levers. It started churning, slowly, then faster, then even faster, then so fast it had more than the combined power of seventy-two jetpacks. The priest started cackling. The Power of the Swirling Vortex had been awakened. Pennington stood in horror. He was half-scared, half-excited, half-worried. Then the priest approached him.
"Pennington! This is the start of my great rule over this world!"
"Don't you mean our rule, Father?"
"No, Pennington. The Vortex demands a sacrifice. And you are the only one here besides myself."
Pennington was frightened. He fired eight bullets from his revolver into the priest's forehead, but his evil devoured them. He walked closer. Pennington evaded, running and running. But he couldn't escape. The priest close to nine feet tall, and Pennington was a lame two feet. There was no way he could have run away, even if he did have those seventy-two jetpacks. The priest grabbed the obese Sherlock Holmes wannabe, and he flailed as if he were about to die, because he was. Then he was launched into the vortex, and all was encompassed by mauve...