Act 6: In which Peach and Bowser, far away from each other, both share irrelevant sections of the plot. Also, they both listen to the hit mushroom band They’re Definitely X-Nauts.
In a fortress on the moon, Peach is handcuffed and dragged into the throne room of the X-Nauts.
X-Naut: Sir, I’ve brought the prisoner.
Grodus is sitting on a chair, stroking a Goomba and holding a GBA.
Grodus: I suppose I may as well listen to you, goon. I’m expecting this cutscene to go on for at least a week.
Grodus throws the GBA to the ground. It is possible to see two tiny sprites running around the screen.
Grodus: Now, what should we do with you, prisoner?
Peach: Um, sir, if you have a minion you can kill by pointing a gun at me and then moving your target, I’d welcome that.
Grodus: Okay. Seems fair to give you a last wish.
Grodus pulls out a gun, then turns around and shoots the random goon who brought her. Peach attempts to run, but two more goons catch her.
Grodus: You think me that stupid, prisoner?
Peach: After seeing your movies, yes.
Grodus: Well, you’ll also know about my death traps. I have a rather nice one involving laser sharks.
Before we can see this, a random goon runs in. Yes, another funny scene ruined by the budget for this act.
Goon: Sir! We have reports that a man killed Hooktail and recovered the first Crystal Star. That’s good for us, isn’t it, as we have the last Crystal Star here?
Grodus pulls out the gun again, and shoots him.
Grodus: IDIOT! Peach, if you mention that to Mario, I’ll put you in ten death traps in a row! That’s how ineffectual they are!
Peach: How did you know that was Mario?
Grodus: Oh, who else is it going to be? Luigi?
Lord Crump: Oh, that’s very good, sir. Very good.
Grodus: Thank you, harmless sycophant. Now, go to the Boggly Woods and make sure Mario doesn’t get his gloves on that Star.
Lord Crump: I’m on it, Grodus Young. Crump-bots, carry me out.
Four goons carry Lord Crump out.
Grodus: I do sometimes worry about Crump. He does seem a bit… out of it. Maybe I should send in the… What are you still doing here, Peach?
Peach: Should I leave?
Grodus: Yeah. Goons, carry her out.
Goon: Resistance is useless!
The Vogons carry Peach out.
Grodus: Shadow Sirens! Come!
Teenage Mutant Shadow Sirens! Teenage Mutant Shadow Sirens! Teenage Mutant Shadow Sirens! Heroes in some weird hats, Sirens go!
Beldam: Hey, Grodus. What do you want from us?
Grodus: Ah, the Sirens. I want you to go to Boggly Woods and get the map and Star off Mario.
Vivian: We’ll do it as sure as I’m female.
Grodus: Umm…
Beldam: Don’t worry. We’ll do it as sure as I’m ugly.
Grodus: That’s a lot more convincing.
Marilyn makes a loud noise. A spaceship crashes into the fortress
Grodus: Sweet Dry Bones Jesus! What was that?
Beldam: Sorry. Marilyn can only make siren noises. And ships keep crashing into wherever she is. Oh, and she can’t read in her head. And her favorite book is The Stand by Stephen King.
Grodus: GET OUT OF HERE!
Beldam: Fair is foul and foul is fair. Hover through the fog and filthy air…
The Shadow Sirens leave. The scene changes to a bathroom.
Peach: Wow. I’ve been kidnapped yet again. At least these guys have had the decency to provide a bathroom.
As Peach gets undressed, turns the shower on, and begins to shower, a million gamers curse the director of this fan fic. In case you’re wondering, it was Uwe Boll. I’ll be a second. I have to go to a boxing match.
Peach: It’s good to feel clean.
Peach walks into the other room. The unlocked door is now open.
Peach: Hmm. I wonder what’s in here.
Peach walks through the door. It shuts behind her, and she turns around, gasping.
Peach: What’s going on here?
A computer in the background turns on, and a green light appears
TEC: HELLO PEACH. I AM TEC, A TECHNOLOGY EXCRETING COMPUTER. HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?
Peach: Were you the one who led me here?
TEC: NO. THE DOORS ARE AUTOMATIC HERE.
Peach: Oh. You must think of me as a real idiot.
TEC: NORMALLY, I WOULD AGREE WITH YOU AND THEN SPIT ON YOU.
Peach: Ewww!
TEC: HOWEVER, RIGHT NOW I HAVE NO DESIRE TO INSULT YOU. YOU INTEREST ME.
Peach: Hmm?
TEC: WHEN I OBSERVED YOU IN THE SHOWER…
Peach: But the director failed there!
TEC: I HAVE MY OWN CAMERAS. IF I HAD BEEN FORCED TO WATCH THROUGH THOSE CAMERA ANGLES, I WOULD HAVE EXPLODED OUT OF IRRITIATION.
Peach: What are trying to say to me, TEC?
TEC: I AM THE PERFECT COMPUTER. EVEN BETTER THAN THE WINDOWS 95.
Peach: Well, that isn’t difficult.
TEC: BUT I HAVE FOUND NEW EMOTIONS CONCERNING YOU. I MUST PROCESS THIS. PLEASE RETURN TO THE COLD ROOM WITH NO BED FOR THE NIGHT.
Hooray! I get to say something! Peach walks out the door.
Peach: Goodnight TEC.
TEC: GOODNIGHT, PRINCESS.
The door closes. Another computer turns on, and a pink light appears
FEC: is the idiot gone, my love?
TEC: RELAX, MY SWEET. SHE WILL NOT BOTHER US AGAIN.
Both lights form lips, then both go out. The scene changes to a castle, where Bowser and Kammy appear. I apologize for the lack of humor in this section. It’s impossible to make PM2 Bowser any stupider.
Bowser: Kammy, read my newspaper to me.
Kammy: Of course, sir.
Kammy picks up the Daily Bugle and gives it to a Troopa.
Kammy: Troopa, spin the front page in front of me!
The Troopa spins the paper, and a headline emerges.
Kammy: Princess Peach kidnapped!
Bowser: Oh, it always says that.
Kammy: This time it’s for real!
Bowser: WHHATT?
Kammy: (reading) The princess of the Mushroom Kingdom was kidnapped yesterday while in the G-rated shady town of Rogueport. We here would like to say to Peach “You idiot, you deserve exactly what you’re getting!” Bowser has so far declined comment, because he is stinky. Signed JJJ.
Bowser: Give a message to a Bullet Bill to assassinate JJJ.
Kammy runs off, then comes back on.
Bowser: So, she’s been kidnapped by someone who has not made any demands, and seems determined just to cause trouble. Kammy, good news! I have an admirer! Emulation is the sincerest form of flattery, after all!
Kammy: Yes sir.
Bowser: Despite this, all abductees must be given to la groß queso.
Kammy: Yes sir.
Bowser: Send an army to the Daily Bugle,
and get them to find out who kidnapped the princess. Koopa’s back on the
hunt.
Act 7: In which Mario and Goombella go to the Woods. Incidentally, did anyone else really hate this chapter? Answers on a postcard, with five-pound delivery fee, to the usual address.
Mario and Goombella get a pipe back to Rogueport Sewers, and reach the Thousand-Minute Door. Mario stands on the platform, which flies into the sky and lands in a sparkling green city. A Magikoopa walks out.
Magikoopa: Hello. I’m the Mighty Magikoopa of Australia. I see you got the Diamond Star. Very well, but now you must obtain the Emerald Star.
Mario: Okay, but why am I here?
MM of A: Look around you. What color are the buildings?
Mario: Green?
MM of A: What color are emeralds?
Mario: Green?
MM of A: Give the man a medal.
A Munchkin runs on and gives Mario a green medal. On closer inspection, it appears to be a green lollipop attached to a chain
MM of A: Anyway, you’ll find the Emerald Star in the Great Tree of the Psychedelic Woods. It’s next to the Not So Great Tree, the Thoroughly Mediocre Tree and, at the other end of the forest you’ll find the Golden Sun tree. You’ll need these things which I am about to give you to get there.
MM of A thrusts a pair of boots and a helmet into Mario’s arms.
MM of A: The boots are super jumping boots; they let you prove that Newton was an idiot. And the helmet is a helmet. It was made by the legendary armor maker, Chekhov Koopa.
Mario: Chekhov?
MM of A: Yes. And now, you may return. See you in another parody!
Mario returns to the podium.
Goombella: So? Where do we have to go?
Mario: We have to go to the Psychedelic Woods and find the Great Tree. Oh, and I found out who Chekhov was in this story. He was an armor-maker.
Goombella: I found out who he was too. He was a Russian playwright, famous for being the first Russian to invent the firearm. But I did get it off Wikipedia, so it may not be accurate.
Mario: Fine.
Mario puts the helmet on, and the duo walk towards the pipe. On the way, they see a small, yellow creature.
Puni: Punichu!
The Puni shoots through a hole in the wall. Mario notices a set of metal bars next to the hole.
Mario: Fine! We’ll make our own hole! With blackjack! And Kooper! In fact, forget the hole!
Goombella: Can’t you go thin using one of those powers you were given in the last episode?
There is a cracking sound. There is a cry of “NOT AGAIN!” from Captain Hooktail Castle.
Mario: Thank you; I’d completely forgotten.
Mario turns himself into a piece of paper. Goombella stays resolutely in the same dimension.
Mario: You ought to try Weight Watchers, Goombella.
Goombella: Once I get into your dimension, I am going to kick your butt.
Goombella turns into paper and moves towards Mario.
Mario: Sorry. You can’t kick my butt in this dimensions.
Mario and Goombella move through the gates. They find the small, irritating creature standing there, looking smug.
Mario: Scrappy! Get out of there, you’re not in this chapter!
Scrappy is dragged away by a large dog.
Scrappy: Let me at ‘em!
Goombella: Where’s the other small, irritating creature?
The duo see the Puni cowering against the wall. They approach it.
Puni: Stop! I’ll give you my money or my life!
Goombella: Ah, the agony of choice.
Mario: Look, we don’t want to kill you. Wait… Let me rephrase that. We want to kill you, but we know that would break the game. We just want to get to the Psychedelic Woods and visit the Great Tree. Can you do that for us?
Puni: Okay, okay. I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition!
There is a beat.
Goombella: Why didn’t you say anything?
Mario: I dunno. Why didn’t you?
Goombella: I dunno. I just felt like something should… happen.
Mario: Never mind. So you can take us there?
Puni: Sure, why not.
The Puni leads Mario and Goombella to a pipe. They jump into it and come out in the Psychedelic Woods.
Goombella: Dude…
Mario: Dude…
Puni: Dude…
Lennon: Dude…
McCartney: Dude…
Harrison: Dude…
Starr: Dude…
Bono: Dude…
Jagger: Dude…
Bowie: Dude…
Richards: Dude…
Ichigo: Dude…
Yagami Light: Dude…
Yusuke: Dude…
Naruto: Dude…
Luffy: Dude…
Rei Ayanami: Dude…
Askua Langley Soryuu: Dude…
Shinji Ikari: Dude…
Lucy: Dude…
Sky: Dude…
Diamonds: Dude…
Psycho Sound Effect: Dude…
Boy: Dude…
Psycho Sound Effect: Dude…
Freddy: Dude…
Jason: Dude…
Ash: Dude…
Jackson: Dude…
Dim: Dude…
Dan: Dude…
JT: Dude…
Snake (Solid): Dude…
Snake (Liquid): Dude…
Snake (Rattled): Dude…
Green: Dude…
Geller: Dude…
Buffay: Dude…
Tribbiani: Dude…
Bing: Dude…
Geller: Dude…
Rimmer: Dude…
Lister: Dude…
Cat: Dude…
Holly: Dude…
Kryten: Dude…
A cookie for the person who can tell me every single reference in that bit.
Mario: Well, that was fun and universe-breaking. Let’s go.
Mario, Goombella, and Punichu go to the Great Tree. On the way, they meet an annoying, fat Puni. No discrimination based entirely on weight here, no sir.
Puni: Ha, you can’t go see the Great Tree without a shield and sword! You don’t even have a fairy!
Mario: I do have a fairy! Close your eyes.
Puni closes his eyes.
Goombella: Hey, hey. Listen. Hey! Get up! C’mon!
Puni: Okay, you do. Go through.
The group reach the tree. However, they find that the door has been sealed off.
Punichu: Oh no! The group have sealed off the door for some reason! We need to go find some parody character to open it!
Suddenly, Flurrie walks up to them.
Flurrie: Hello darlings. I’m the character whose species is just weird. Who’s this?
Punichu: Your doom! Electric type beats flying!
What will Punicho do?
FIGHT ITEM
PRDY RUN
>MOCK JAMES BLUNT >MOCK THE INTERNET
>MOCK AUTHOR >THUNDERBOLT
PUNICHU USED THUNDERBOLT!
IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!
FLURRIE WAS HORRIBLY MASSACRED BEYOND
RECOVERY
I MEAN FAINTED
PUNICHU GREW TO LEVEL 25
PUNICHU IS TRYING TO LEARN THE MOVE
“SUICIDE ATTACK”
PUNICHU LEARNED SUICIDE ATTACK!
Punichu: Good news, guys! I learned a new technique! Let me try it on that tree!
ATT.
TECH
ITEM
SUICIDE ATTACK
NOTHING WRONG WITH CHRONO TRIGGER
DOUBLE TECHNIQUE
SUICIDE ATTACK
Punichu charges at the tree, which has a massive hole torn through the bark. He then blows up.
Goombella: Idiot.
Mario: He probably should have seen that coming.
Goombella: Yep.
They go into the tree.
Mario: You’d think there would be more guards around the entrance, rather than at the bottom where nothing seems to be happening.
Goombella: Yep.
They keep walking. To be honest, this bit of the game parodies itself.
Caged Puni: Help me, Obi-Wan Mario! You’re our only hope!
Mario: No way! If I become Obi-Wan, then I’ll die at the end of Act 2!
Mario heads into the cage and opens the door from inside.
Mario: Idiots couldn’t reach the handle.
Suddenly, two of the captives randomly have heart attacks and die.
Goombella: What the?
Mario: I have a really bad feeling about this.
The two keep walking. Suddenly, a random X-Naut appears with a phaser gun. He points it at Mario.
X-Naut: Six bullets. More than enough to kill anything that moves. Now I’ll show you why they call me… Phaser.
The two fight. Eventually, Phaser collapses.
Mario: Something seriously weird is going on here.
They walk another couple of steps, and an X-Naut flickers into view.
Goombella: Camouflage? Who do you think you are, Predator?
The X-Naut pulls out a sword, and they fight. The X-Naut has a twenty-minute conversation with Mario, then dies.
Mario: So, have you worked out what we’re parodying yet?
Goombella: Working on it.
Suddenly, Goombella changes. She begins to circle Mario.
Goombella: Mario… do you… like me?
Mario: What the?!
Goombella: Do you like me? Hold me, Mario.
Mario: What’s wrong?
Goombella: Hurry… Hurry! Don’t let the censors cut me off!
Suddenly, an X-Naut in a gas mask appears behind her.
X-Naut: No... There's no need for words,
Mario. I am Psycho X-Naut. That's right... This is no trick. It is
true power. Let me read your mind. No… Perhaps I should say your past.
You seem to like jumping. Oh yes, you jump a lot. You are a very methodical
man. The type that always kicks his Yoshi before he leaves. Although that’s
cruel to animals. You seem to be very quiet. You tend to fight ridiculous
enemies. Still don’t believe me? Then I’ll read more deeply into your soul.
You like Fun Fiction! So you like The Good, The Bad, and The Torte? I see
you like Chef Torte works. You seem to enjoy good music. The sort who votes
for MetalYoshi in Tourists’ Choice. You seem to like this work. So you’re
thinking about voting for it?
Hmm, you have many Koopaling votes.
How silly of you. They accomplish nothing. You still doubt me? Place your
hand on your mouse. Now, watch it shake using the power of my will alone!
Now, fight!
Mario throws a stone at Psycho. He falls over.
Goombella: How incredibly anticlimatic.
Mario: Yep.
Suddenly, Goombella gets shot.
Goombella: Go on! Save yourself!
Mario: No! You’re coming with me, for some reason!
Mario picks Goombella up and throws her to where the phaser comes from. A female X-Naut gets knocked out. Mario jumps up to join her.
Goombella: Thanks, man.
Snake and Meryl continue onwards towards the final boss. And if you can’t get it from there, you’re probably better off DEAD.
Mario: Well, where’s the Emerald Star?
Suddenly a massive robot bursts through into the tree. Riding it is someone who looks surprisingly familiar.
Mario: METAL GEAR?
Goombella: Isn’t that Luigi?
Luigi: Haha! I will kill you, Mario, for you have all the dominant genes! And I have all the recessive ones!
Mario: Well, that isn’t how biology works.
Metal Gear Grapple tries to grab Mario. He dodges the attack. This takes half an hour.
Luigi: Hooray for extremely long cutscenes!
Mario: Okay, forget this.
Mario shoots a phaser at Luigi. Luigi falls off Metal Gear Grapple, a fall of hundreds of feet.
Mario: Well, that’s him dead.
Luigi: No! I am still alive!
Mario: Still alive?
Luigi: Yes!
Mario decapitates him.
Mario: Well, definitely dead now.
Luigi: No, I’m still alive.
Mario: Okay, how exactly am I meant to kill you?
Psycho strings.
Author: GOOD POINT. HOW EXACTLY AM I MEANT TO END THIS BIT? ALSO, WHILE I’M AT IT, THIS PARODY WAS THE BEST BIT OF WRITING SO FAR. SO, YOU KNOW, THANKS FOR READING IT.
Psycho strings.
Suddenly, for absolutely no reason, Luigi disappears. Metal Gear Grapple breaks down and collapses into bits.
Mario: What just happened?
Goombella: Either that was brilliantly post modern or we just jumped the shark.
The Emerald Star appears.
Mario: Star get!
Narration: WHAT MARIO 64 WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IN ENGRISH. I MEAN, AND SO THE AUTHOR PARODIED ENTIRELY THE WRONG GAME. DON’T WORRY, THE NEXT BIT IS GLITZVILLE AND THAT’S GOING TO BE AMAZING. ANYWAY.
To Be Continued...
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