Bowser Goes Back to School

By Alex

Little Lemmy's Land Qualifier

Artwork by Master Lord Roy

Bowser is working at the wood factory. That’s his occupation. But he is doing some stupid things with the wood.

Wood teacher: Now everyone, I want you all to make a log out of wood. Do not screw up. We need these logs to make a cabin. If anyone screws up, they are fired.

Bowser: Oh boy, I love playing with wood. (He cuts it very horribly and the wood teacher ends up seeing it.)

Wood teacher: BOWSER, WHAT IS THIS????

Bowser: Uh... a log?

Wood teacher: No, it's a screwed up pile of wood! You're fired! Don't ever come back here again! Why don't you go to school?

Bowser: No!!!!!!!!!!!

So then Bowser can't find a job anywhere.

Bowser: I know, I'll go back to school and learn more!

He goes to a High School.

Bowser: Well, I'm starting school all over again!

Student: Um, if you're going to start school over, you have to start at Kindergarten.

Bowser faints. He starts going crazy.

Kindergarten teacher: Hello kids, we're going to learn shapes! Bowser, what shape is this? (She holds up a circle.)

Bowser: Uh... it's a square!

Everyone laughs.

Kindergarten teacher: (Sighs.) It's a circle.  Now, anyone want cookies and juice?

Bowser: Yuck, juice goes horribly with cookies. I want milk! Milk! Milk!

Kindergarten teacher: All right, you can have milk.

Bowser: Yay! Now to pick on some kids.

Bowser pulls a girl's hair.

Bowser: Your hair looks neat, I would love to pull it!

Girl: Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Now Bowser goes to a boy's puzzle.

Boy: Yay! I finished the U.S. puzzle!

Bowser: Cool, then you don't mind if I take it apart, do you?

Boy: Wahhhhhh!!!! You ruined my puzzle!

Kindergarten teacher: That's it! Bowser, go the Principal's office, now!


Principal: Now Bowser, we feel Kindergarten is not that good, which is why we're sending you to High School!

Bowser: High School! I don't want to go! Wahhhhhhh!

Principal: Sorry, we have no choice.

So Bowser goes to a High School. His first class is Math.

Math teacher: Hello everyone, my name is Mrs. Crab.

Bowser: You're a crab? HAHAHAHAHA!

Mrs. Crab: That's not funny, now anyway..

.Bowser is chewing gum.

Mrs. Crab: Bowser, no chewing gum in class!

Bowser: But I'm hungry...

Mrs. Crab: You can wait until lunch and gum is not food! Now anyway, Bowser,what is an improper fraction?

Bowser: Uh, a fraction that acts immature.

Mrs. Crab: GRRRRRRR! Get out! Now!

Next class…

Bowser: Oh boy, I love Science!

Science teacher: Today we are going to disect a frog!

Bowser: I want to disect a live frog and now!

Science teacher: My name is Ms. Octopus.

Bowser: Haw Haw!!!!!! The octopus aint married!

Science teacher: Quiet you! Now before we disect frogs I need to show you something important.

Bowser: What, tentacles?

Science teacher: Never pour this blue liquid with this green liquid when doing a project or something bad will happen.

Bowser: Me wanna see!

Bowser runs up to the teacher, takes the liquids, and mixes them together.

Ms. Octopus: I hate my life.....


Bowser: Owwww! I'm sorry.

Ms. Octopus: Get out!

Next class…

Teacher: My name is Mr. Jellyfish.

Bowser: Geez, whats with all the ocean names?

Mr. Jellyfish: Bowser, who discovered America?

Bowser: Uhhhhhhh... Ronald McDonald! No wait! Uhhhh... Ludwig! Uhhh... I know! It was Alex Trebek! He knows everything. He discovered it uhhh... last week!

Mr. Jellyfish: No, you idiot! It could not be any simpler!

Bowser: That stupid Larry! He never told me he discovered America!

Mr. Jellyfish: Larry didn't discover America! WHO IS LARRY ANYWAY? I will tell you its first name is Christopher......

Bowser: Christy McGuire!


Bowser: It!

Mr. Jellyfish: Grrrrrrr..... OUT!

Next class…

Bowser: Oh boy, reading!

Reading teacher: My name is Mrs. Oyster, and I will be your reading teacher.

Bowser: Now this is getting serious, why are all the teachers named after sea animals?

Mrs. Oyster: (Ignoring Bowser) Now class, today we are going to read an autobiography. Bowser, can you tell us what an autobiography is?

Bowser: Uh... it's about stuff.

Mrs. Oyster: What kind of stuff?

Bowser: I'll tell you tomorrow!

Mrs. Oyster: GRRRRR! Just get out! And the book report is due next week. Here's the format! You really need it!

Bowser: Oh boy, food!

Bowser eats the paper.


Bowser: It didn't taste good! Needs ketchup!

Bowser gets a book for his book report called "A-B-C of Enemies”.

Bowser: A is for the Axem Rangers, B is for Booster, C is for Chargin' Chuck, D is for...

Mrs. Oyster takes the book.

Mrs. Oyster: This book is for 3 year olds! Go pick an advanced book your age!

Bowser: I got this story. It's called "The person who created something." Well, the word something is not in the title but I just thought you'd like to know!

Mrs. Oyster: Very well, I accept. Now don't eat the next format I give you,ok?

Bowser: Ok, I wasn't hungry anyway.

Next week...

Mrs. Oyster: Bowser, you're late!

Bowser: This week I have met so many ocean critter teachers!

Mrs. Oyster: That's not a reason why you're late.

Bowser: I'm only here because a dog chased me all the way to school and I happen to be late.

Mrs. Oyster: Well, you didn't forget your book report did you? Remember, it's due today.

Bowser: Here it is!

Mrs. Oyster: Wow, this is very impressive!

A person is sharing their report.

A student: And that is how earthworms are useful in this world.

Mrs. Oyster: Thank you, Lenny. Bowser, you're next.

Bowser: Nice report Lemmy.

Lenny: My name's Lenny, not Lemmy!

Bowser: Oops, my bad Lemmy! Anyway, here is my report! It is about the inventor who created something, and I bet you're all dying to know what he created!

2 hours later...

Bowser: And this person was just so darn great he...

Mrs. Oyster: Bowser, could you please tell us who he was and what he did?

Bowser: Ok, he created...  but first, his name is Dr. Stupid! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! He created... Cow and Chicken!

Mrs. Oyster: AHHHHHHHHH! WHAT KIND OF REPORT WAS THAT? (She yells so hard her hair comes off!)

Bowser: He also created Sailor Moon, Mr. Peanut, and my favorite cartoon. The end.

A student: What's your favorite cartoon?

Bowser: I dunno!

Mrs. Oyster: I've had enough, you get an F! No wait, you get an even worse grade, a Z-!

Bowser: Awwwwww... my favorite cartoon is The Mr. Scissors Super Show!

Another student: Huh? I never heard of the Mr. Scissors Super Show or Mr.Peanut, you made those up! Sailor Moon and Cow and Chicken are real though.

Bowser: Can I have chocolate? I'm hungry from all this talking. I'm starting to sound like Morton. I can eat anything! (He eats his report) Mmmmmm...

Mrs. Oyster: Doh! What a moron!

Our story continues as Bowser goes to Language Arts, his next class.

L.A. Teacher: Hello, I am Mr. Whale. I'll be your Language Arts teacher today.

Bowser: That's it, I'm outta here! See you tomorrow!

Mr. Whale: And where do you think you're going, young man?

Bowser: I just told you, I'm getting outta here.

Mr. Whale: Oh no you're not! Sit down and take your seat! Anyway, today weare going to learn past, present, and future tense. Now what kind of sentence is this?

He writes a sentence that says "James caught the ball.”

Mr. Whale: Bowser, can you tell us if this is a past, present, or future sentence?

Bowser: Uh...

Mr. Whale: We're waiting.

Bowser: I don't think it's past, so it's either present or future. It's future!

Mr. Whale: Wrong! It's past! PAST! Now here's another sentence.

He writes on the board a sentence that says "Mark will go to the mall with his friends."

Mr. Whale: Now what is this sentence? You said it before.

Bowser: Well, I already said future, so it's past!

Mr. Whale: NO!!!!! Here's one more.

He writes on the board a sentence that says "Joe is in his room."

Mr. Whale: I'll give you one more chance, Bowser, what is this sentence?

Bowser: Since I never said future last time, it's future!

Mr. Whale: That's it! Strike 3! You're out!

Bowser: I didn't know we were playing baseball!

Next class is Computers.

Computer Teacher: Hello, my name is Mr. Dolphin, and I'll be your computer teacher.

Bowser: I'm not even gonna say anything. Oops, I said something.

Mr. Dolphin: I am going to teach you how to use a computer. First, turn it on with the button on the right of your computer. Now wait for it to load. Ok, today we're going to learn typing. And we are going to use the game "Mario Teaches Typing”.

Bowser: What the? I hate games with Mario in them!

Mr. Dolphin: (Ignores Bowser) Now, when you see a letter, type it. When you're done, then you type words. Then sentences, and so on.


Mr. Dolphin finds Bowser on the Internet.

Bowser: Uh-oh.

Bowser tries to close it, but it's too late.

Mr. Dolphin: And what is this?

Bowser: Uh... Mario Teaches Typing?

Mr. Dolphin: No! It's the Internet! Get out if you're not gonna participate!

Next class is Gym.

Gym Teacher: I am Mr. Seahorse! I am your gym teacher and we will be playing basketball today!

Bowser: All right! Basketball!

Mr. Seahorse: I will now pick two captains. They are Paul and Pam! Both of you pick your teammates. Paul, start.

Paul: I pick... John.

Pam: I pick... Scott.

Paul: I pick... Bill.

Pam: I pick... Larry.

Paul: I pick... Tom.

Pam: I pick... Melissa!

Paul: Darn it! I have Bowser.

The game starts. The referee is about to tip off, but before he can do that,Bowser takes the ball.

Referee: Hey, get back here with that ball!

Bowser: All right! I got a slam dunk!

Referee: Just because of that Pam's team gets the ball first.

Paul: Thanks a lot, Bowser. Or should I say, moron?

Bowser: I prefer Bowser, thank you.

A few minutes later, Paul's team has the ball. The score is close. Pam's team leads 12-7.  Paul is about to make a 3 pointer, which should've gone in the basket. But guess what happens. Bowser blocks the ball and accidentally gives it to Pam's team.

Bowser: Uh-oh Spaghettios!

Paul: Why'd you do that?! You're supposed to block for the other team, not our team! Idiot...

Pam's team gets a 3 pointer. Paul's team comes back and gets two 3 pointers since Bowser was forced to sit on the bunch. The score is 15-13, and the first quarter is about to end. At the buzzer, Paul's team makes a 3 pointer so they get a 1 point lead! In the 2nd quarter, they score 10 consecutive points, making it 26-15. But then Bowser comes off the bench when someone on Paul's team gets an injury. Ok, let's go back to the story now.

Bowser: Hey, I'm starting to defend better! I just stole the ball!

Paul: I admit it, you're getting better.

While Bowser is celebrating how happy he is, the other team steals the ball and gets a 3 pointer, making it 26-18.

Paul: Forget it, I was wrong. The only thing I'm happy about is that we're still leading by 8 points.

Bowser: Get out of the way! Move it! I gotta get this shot! Out you go!

Bowser shoots a 3-pointer and gets it in, but a whistle blows, and it doesn't count. Bowser starts arguing. Paul makes him stop. Bowser is forced to sit down and cannot play for the rest of the quarter. By the end of the 3rd quarter, Paul's team is leading 62-56. Bowser comes back to the game, replacing Paul. Now why would they take out the captain? Who's gonna be captain now?

Bowser: Me! Me! Me! Arrrr matey!

Teammate: Not that kind of captain, you moron!

Bowser: Oh...

So Bowser's team does well and they score 5 more points, leading 67-56. But the best is yet to come!

Bowser: Yay! I got the ball! Ahhhhhh!

He trips and passes the ball to Pam's team by mistake and they get a 3-pointer. Because of Bowser's mistakes, Pam's team would make more 3-pointers and take a one point lead, 68-67.

Teammates: Ugh.

There are 10 seconds left and Paul's team has the ball. Paul comes back in the game and takes back the captain hat from Bowser.

Bowser: (Holding the ball) Hey! I want it back! C'mon!

There are 5 seconds left. 4, 3, 2, 1...

Paul tries to make an easy shot, but Bowser blocks it and tries to put it in, but it is too late! The ball comes out of the basket just when it's about to go in! And Pam's team wins by a point!

Paul: Face it kid, you'll never graduate!

Bowser: Never graduate? I'll show you! By the end of the year you'll be the one who has to repeat High School!

For the next two months, Bowser started getting smarter and does some other specials, which he at first did poorly in, but which he gradually got much better in. Then Bowser was smart enough to graduate.

It is now graduation day. They are singing the graduation song. But Bowser wants to sing a better song.

Bowser: (singing) I'm graddddddddduuuuuuattttttinnnnnngggg! I'mgraddddddduuuuuuattttttinnnnnggggg! I'm gradddddduuuuuatttttinnnnggggg tooooooodayyyyyyyy!

Teacher: And now I will be giving diplomas out for everyone, except Paul ‘cause he's being a big fat weenie who made fun of people.

Paul: Hey! I only made fun of Bowser! He deserved it!

Teacher: Shut up and go to summer school!

Paul: (mumbling) #@%%()(&$$$@#%&*)(*&^$

Teacher: Here are the diplomas with a bag of chips and a big Ice Cream Sundae as a reward!

Class: Huh?

Teacher: Ha ha! Just kidding!

Bowser: Hey, you remind me of Lakitu.

Teacher: That's because I am Lakitu!

Bowser: Whoa!

Lakitu: And now, the diplomas.

He throws them, and it has their name on it and it looks like Spinys. They're not real.

Bowser: Woohoo! Ow!!!! He runs out with his diploma. He accidentally drops it into a manhole!

Bowser: NO!!!!!!! MY DIPLOMA!!!!!! Luckily, a Koopa Troopa throws it back up.

Bowser: Thanks. I can't wait to go back home and tell my Koopalings this wonderful story.

A man comes to him.

Man: Do you know you never repeated 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, or 8th grade?

Bowser: Oh shut up! I have my diploma!

Man: But you also have to get a middle school diploma and an elementaryschool diploma. Do you have a college diploma?

Bowser: Um...

While he's thinking, he throws the man down the manhole.

Bowser: I will tell you again, be quiet!


All 7 Koopa Kids: Where's King Dad? We're hungry!

The End

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