Prologue: A Bad Day
Narrator: Our story begins with Mario and Luigi judging Titanic.
Mario: Personally I thought that movie was amazing.
Luigi: Me too.
Simon: Personally I thought that movie was terrible. I’d rather take salt and lemon juice, mix it together in a blender, and pour it in my eyes, than watch 200 minutes of that again.
Luigi: Oh great, Simon Cowell is in my house! It was 194 minutes, by the way.
Luigi glares at Simon .
Mario: Hi Mr. Cowbell.
Simon: It’s Cowell. I don’t like you.
Mario: What, why?
Simon: Because you’re you!
Simon leaves.
Luigi: That was weird.
Mario: I know something weirder. Last Saturday, I watched this one really weird film that made no sense.
Mario is seen watching Richard Simmons’s Sweatin’ to the Oldies
Luigi: What film was it?
Mario: Oh, some Sweetening the Oldies People.
Luigi: You mean Sweatin’ to the Oldies?
Mario: Yeah, that’s the one. And then a couple of minutes after it ended, I got this weird phone call.
Luigi gulps.
Luigi: What weird phone call?
Mario: Oh, it was really weird. The phone call said that I would die in seven days.
Luigi: And when did you watch this video?!
Mario: Last Saturday.
Luigi: And what day is it today?
Mario: This week’s Saturday.
Luigi: Don’t you get it?
Mario: No.
Luigi: A week has passed!
Mario: So?
Luigi: THAT’S SEVEN DAYS, SHERLOCK!
Sherlock Holmes: By Jove! I think he’s got it!
Mario: I wouldn’t worry about it.
Luigi: Why not?
Mario: Because the caller said that national holidays don’t count.
Luigi: So?
Mario: Don’t you remember what Wednesday was?
Luigi: Not really?
Mario: It was Arbor Day!
Luigi: Oh yeah.
Mario: We planted a tree. And I tried to water the tree with Chocolate Milk.
Luigi: Oh yeah, you were a real moron that day.
Mario: I know. I should have watered the tree with black coffee.
Luigi slaps his head.
Luigi: Anyway I Wikipediad it.
Mario: And?
Luigi: It said that Arbor day is not one of the national holidays that counts. MARIO, YOU’RE GOING TO DIE TODAY!
Mario: No I’m not. Besides, it was just Toad. I’m going to go to the supermarket.
Mario starts to leave the Mario Brothers’ house. As he leaves his hat spontaneously combusts.
Mario: Do you smell bacon?
Mario leaves.
Luigi: Note to self, don’t expect Mario to return.
Mario: Time to cross the street.
Mario crosses the street and barely misses a fuel truck.
Mario: What a good day it is.
Larry comes up to Mario with a bottle.
Larry: Hey Mario, drink this.
Mario: Okey dokey.
Mario takes the bottle and drinks it. It’s a bottle of nail polish remover.
Mario: Yum, nail polish remover.
Larry: WHAT?! You just drank a whole bottle of nail polish remover! You should be dead!
Mario: Larry, wake up. Nail polish remover isn’t that poisonous. Trust me, I’ve had worse.
Larry: What? How?
Mario: Crazy teenage years.
Larry walks away confused.
Mario: That sure was nice of Larry to stop by. Hey look, an evil robot.
The robot lines up with Mario perfectly.
Robot: LASER BEAM!
Ms. Mowz: NO! MARIO! MY HONEY BUNCHES OF CREAMY!
Ms. Mowz jumps in the way of the laser beam, and turns into ashes. The robot walks away
Mario: Wow, thanks Ms. Mowz.
There is an awkward pause…
Mario: Have a dollar.
Mario throws a dollar on Ms. Mowz’s ashes.
Mario: I wonder what’s going to happen now.
A figure dressed in a black robe appears with a flaming sword.
Mario: Hey look, a figure dressed in a black robe appeared with a flaming sword.
Figure: I’m going to kill you!
Mario: That’s great. Hey look, a dollar!
Mario bends over and grabs the dollar from Ms. Mowz’s ashes, Mallow is standing behind Mario.
Mallow: Hi Mario.
The figure swings his fire sword and cuts Mallow’s head off, and then he disappears. Mario picks the dollar up.
Mario: YAY! MONEY!
Mario looks behind him.
Mario: Oh, hi Mallow. I see you’re trying that new headless thing. It looks good on you.
Mario walks into the grocery store. A person tries to shoot Mario with a poison dart, and kills an employee.
Mario: Hey, look!
Mario points at the employee, a dead, rotting corpse. Mario picks up a bunch of random vegetables and puts them in a cart. While he’s picking out the vegetables, a snake bites onto Mario’s arm, and holds on.
Mario: FLUFFY!
Mario walks home, having more near death experiences.
Mario: Hi Luigi.
Luigi: Surprised you’re back, Mario!
Mario: Yeah, I am.
Luigi makes dinner.
Luigi: Dinner is ready!
Luigi sets the table, as Mario sets himself in his high chair.
Mario: I want cheese!
Luigi: Now Mario…
Mario: I want CHEESE!
Luigi: Later, Mario.
Mario: I WANT CHEESE!!!
Luigi: You can have your stupid cheese after you eat your broccoli!
Mario: Fine.
Mario picks up his fork and sticks it in the broccoli, and brings it up to his face.
Mario: I can’t believe I have to eat this stupid piece of dairy product before I get my cheese!
Mario eats the piece of broccoli, but chokes on it and dies.
Luigi: Mario. Mario? MARIOOOOOOOO!!!
Chapter 1: Straight Into Limbo
Luigi calls the paramedics, who come instantly.
Luigi: Doctor Mario, what happened to Mario?
Doctor Mario: Well, let’s see…
Doctor Mario does a bunch of random tests.
Doctor Mario: Well I can see by the test that Mario, is, dead.
Luigi: HOW DID HE DIE?!
Doctor Mario: Did he eat any broccoli?
Luigi: Yes.
Doctor Mario: Well, that’s your reason.
Luigi: What?
Doctor Mario: Broccoli is one of the most deadly things in the universe. It tries to warn you with its terrible taste.
Luigi: Ah shoot!
Doctor Mario: What?
Luigi: I made him eat the broccoli. I’M A MURDERER!!!
Doctor Mario: Cops! Cops! We have a murder!
Cops come and handcuff Luigi.
Luigi: CURSE YOU, RICHARD SIMMONS!!!
The cops drag Luigi off to the police station.
Narrator: MEANWHILE…
Mario is spinning around in a circle above a vortex.
Mario: Ok, this is weird.
Mario continues to spin.
Mario: I wish I had cheese.
Deep Voice: I told you that you would die in seven days…
Mario: (cheery) Hey, is this Bob, from accounting?
Deep Voice: NO! Now Mario, are you ready to go on the greatest adventure of your life?
Mario: Aren’t I dead?
Deep Voice: SHUT UP! If you ever want to return to life again, you must prove yourself worthy.
Mario: How do I do that?
Deep Voice: You’ll find out soon enough.
A giant Richard Simmons head appears, and starts to suck in Mario.
Mario: Great! It’s Richard Simmons that got me into this mess in the first place!
Mario gets sucked up fully, and ends up face-down on the floor of a hotel room.
Mario: That was weird.
Mario is surrounded by a giant pickle in a Santa hat, a giant letter Q, and a giant ferret in the shape of a U Boat.
Mario: Though maybe not as weird as this.
Pickle: Hi Mario, welcome to Limbo!
Mario: Hi giant pickle wearing a Santa hat. Hi giant letter Q. Hi giant ferret in the shape of a U Boat.
Pickle: Call me Pickle.
The others don’t respond.
Mario: Hey Pickle, don’t any of them talk?
Pickle: Well the giant letter Q does, but he only does in Spanish. Adelantado, opinión algo.
Letter Q: Tenga un refrán realmente divertido aquí!
Mario: I’ll ignore him.
Pickle: Why?
Mario: I don’t speak Spanish. I only speak German, Dutch, Italian, English, and Portuguese, and only on even days of the week.
Pickle: Ok.
Mario: Now what about this Ferret U Boat?
Pickle: Mario, you know that Ferret U Boats can’t talk. Don’t be stupid! I mean, come on, didn’t you take Hidden Knowledge That Basically No One Knows 101?
Mario: As long as no follow up questions occur, of course.
Pickle: Anyway, we’re here to help you on your quest.
Mario: Great! And that is what again?
Pickle: Well it’s better said by The Letter Q.
The Letter Q: Usted debe conseguir el amulet y traerlo al rey del plátano.
Mario: Oh that’s great, there’s just one problem.
Pickle: What’s that?
Mario: I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH!
Pickle: Oh yeah, right. Well what he said is that you must go get the amulet and bring it to the Banana King. What he forgot to mention is that you must pass through five lands to collect five different keys to unlock the giant door, where the land of the amulet is. Then you must pass through seven lands to get to the Palace of the Banana King. The ways to the five lands, are through those five doors over there. *points to doors* But beware, I have no clue how we’ll get to the seven lands of the Banana King.
Mario: Okey dokey.
Pickle: You’ll have many things against you, and if you die, it’s your final game over, and you’ll end up in the Underwhere, and face the terror of Queen Jaydes.
Mario bursts into laughter.
Pickle: Yes, yes, I said Underwhere.
Mario regains himself.
Mario: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Anyways, I’ve been to the Underwhere, and it was pretty cool. Queen Jaydes and I were pretty cool, and we planned to go bowling!
Pickle: Yes, but that was before you deserved to die. Now that you will have fully have died, you’ll be treated like such. Just be glad that you’re given a second chance.
Mario: All right. This doesn’t sound difficult at all. Not!
Pickle: But to make it easier on you, if you want to, we can send you to the Overthere right now.
Mario: I’d rather earn my life back, and then die a very good death, such as choking on a cheese sandwich.
Pickle: Ok then. I’ll be going with you, and if we ever need them, The Letter Q and The Ferret U Boat are here for us.
Mario: Right, so I have a giant pickle wearing a Santa hat, a Spanish-speaking letter Q, and a ferret shaped like U Boat on my side, against who knows what, and I only have my life on the line. I’m not sure if I can do this.
Pickle: Come on, Mario. If it makes you feel any better, we all believe in you! And I’m sure your friends and family would.
The heads of Luigi, Princess Peach, Toad, Bowser, Yoshi, Toadinator, and Richard Simmons surround Mario. So does the number 27.
Luigi: I believe in you, Bro.
Princess Peach: You the man!
Toad: There are only two people I believe could pull this off: McGiver, and yourself.
Bowser: Come on, I need somebody to throw me into lava, I’m too lazy to do it myself.
Yoshi: Mario Yibbly Yahoo Majigger! (Mario go kick some butt!)
Toadinator: (emotionless) I’m forced to support you, so um, go, go, Mario. Yay.
Richard Simmons: If I can do it, so can you!
27: 27!
Mario: All right guys, I’ll do it, for you. But seriously though, is Richard Simmons going to appear all the time?
Pickle: Well since he’s the one who led to your death, yes, yes he will. Just be glad it’s Richard Simmons, and not Hitler or Britney Spears.
Mario: I guess you’re right. Always look on the bright side of life! Or um, Limbo! Now shall we go, Pickle?
Pickle: Oh yes, let’s!
Mario: Wait one second.
Pickle: What?
Mario: Can I call you something other than Pickle?
Pickle: Ok.
Mario: Like what?
Pickle: Oh um, I don’t know, call me Ezekiel.
Mario: Okey dokey.
Pickle: Now let’s go!
Narrator: As our heroes head off for the first door, two thoughts cross Mario’s mind: will he be able to survive, and how wacky of an adventure will this be? And our heroes will soon learn that the afterlife is more random than 25 episodes of Sesame Street… or not.
To Be Continued...
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